Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Strangers (Review)

The Strangers

The Strangers (2008)

Directed by Bryan Bertino

This version of yuppie torture-core is brought to you by Rogue Pictures.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

What you should have been watching if you wanted some yuppie torture was Ils (aka Them) which I ranked #5 on my Top 10 horror movies of 2007.

A French horror flick that had more jumpy scares and eerieness then the Strangers.

Yes the mood and the darkness set up the horror to come, but I was overly bored. Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are just spazzy young white couple who I could give 2 shits about. The psychopaths are made to be wicked smart, like they went to the Yale of serial killer school, working the triangle offense and always being 20 steps ahead of our yuppies.

That to me is why it failed. I like my killers a little flawed. I always root for them to kill without mercy, you know take no fuckin prisoners.

But I expect them to fuck up. Give the victims a fighting chance. That's the cat and mouse game of a solid horror film. Sometimes the mouse gets away, sometimes the cat shreds the mouse up.

Didn't you all at one point wanted to see Tom totally fuck up Jerry by stabbing him repeatedly?

It all ended the same, but you really never knew did ya?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young couple staying in an isolated vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's first say Liv and Scott are both a bunch of pussies. After a botched up marriage proposal by James (Speedman) him and Kristen (Tyler) slowly get spooked by our three headed menace. We get the "stay here and hide" speech one too many times. You know Speedman is not as tough as he looks (hey this aint Underworld dude) and it's highly unlikely Liv Tyler is gonna go all Buffy here.

And then we see glimpses of our killers.

Dollface, Man in the Mask and Pin Up Girl.

These are our killers folks.

Really? Wow I was practically wetting myself when they were doing the following.

Oooooohhhh you got their phone!
That's so fuckin scary.

Oooooohhhhhh you crashed into their car with a fuckin Ford.
Why don't they just commit suicide?

Ooooooohhhh you made Speedman accidentally kill his friend.
I'm shitting bricks.

Ooooohhhhhh you smashed a radio.
You get the Jason Voorhees medal of valor.

Ooooohhhhhhh your masks are fuckin scary.
Awesome 99 cents store totally on clearance bargains!

Oooooohhhh you stab our yuppies in the stomach while their tied up.

While I did admire the level of style this film has, and the killers motive of "Because you were home" is vague and utterly pointless, it still loses mucho horror points.

Remember, I'm the jaded viewer and I've seen the films you've copied from. Yeah this was written before Them but it wasn't written before fuckin Funny Games, Michael Haneke's ultra violent home invasion masterpiece (and I'm talking about the original, not the Watts/Roth American remake).

So yes, we must compare to the best home invasion horror film ever. And it doesn't even come close to the sicko fucked upness of Funny Games.

Alas, Halloween is coming up and your probably going to be looking for "scary movie". I've just listed 2 movies that you should rent or put to the top of your Netlfix queue.

If you really need your fix of yuppie toture-core, I'd bet my bloody OJ knife on those.


Shotgun to the head
Knife to the stomach

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some 10 secs of Liv Tyler soaking in the tub

WTF moment

Our killers unmask (though you don't see their faces)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I just read they are making part 2. Really? Seriously?

Some horror fans love this flick, some hate it. I'm in that Facebook group of "I hate this movie".
It's good enough for 1 spinkick. It's damn lucky to get even that.

I've got high standards for the home invasion movie. If you can't live up to it, don't even try.


The Trailer

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  1. While I agree that Them is a better film, I still enjoyed The Stangers.
    I definitely thought it was better than the original Funny Games!! [I never saw the re-make because I despised the original] :-)

  2. WTF????? just got back from moscow, pa and wanted to get a few laughs...but by the end of the movie i was only interested to see how many carats kristen's engagement ring was..