New York, New Yuck (NYC Movies from the Exploitation Era)

Oh New York, New York. The city so nice they named it twice (well you know they did that because they knew somebody was gonna steal the first name). My hometown is the greatest city in the world. But it wasn't always the Disney-fied, tourist filled haven we have today. I remember walking the fucked up Times Square and being offered drugs for sale at 2pm in the afternoon. Oh those were the days.

Mind you this is not me reminiscing about the 70s grindhouse Times Square, this was even in the late 80s and early 90s. I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation in one of the last grindhouse theaters near the Crossroads of the World. About a dozen people packed a theater that should have been shut down. But I digress.

I love my city but the movies during the Exploitation Era made it seemed we were fuckin Detroit. And at times, they were deadly accurate. So here are 10 movies (not necessarily in fucked up order) that showed the seedier, dirtier and grimier side of NYC back in the day.

When are ya gonna come and visit?



10.) Maniac Cop

Fictional NYC is...filled with a maniac cop who kills innocent people.

Reality NYC is...filled with a maniac cops who kill innocent people. OK maybe not all the time but if your color is off white or brown you may get maimed. See ya later if you're black. The NYPD have hiccups every now and then which is why we got Rev. Al Sharpton holding a press conference and march every 10 minutes.




9.) C.H.U.D.

Fictional NYC is...filled with cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers who kill and eat people. Need I really say more?

Reality NYC is...inhabited by rats the size of footballs and insects that rival SyFy cheesiness. I'm serious about the rats as during the summer months they will show up on the train platform and wait for the 7 train while checking their Facebook on their iPhone 4. These are some of the smartest, mutant rats you will ever see.






8.) Q The Winged Serpent

Fictional NYC is...a giant serpent monster that lay its egg in the Chrysler tower and start terrorizing New Yorkers. It also likes grabbing sunbathers and window washers.

Reality NYC is... the NYPD is ill equip to handle a giant monster serpent who is under the control of a deranged madman. Sure they can stop a bomb threat or two in the middle of Times Square but let loose a ravenous monster and we're all fucked.





7.) Escape from New York

Fictional NYC is...a maximum security federal penal colony where gangs, criminals and the unwanted live in chaos.

Reality NYC is...we call this place the Bronx.





6.) The Warriors

Fictional NYC is...over run with gangs who pretty much own every piece of real estate in all 5 boroughs in NYC.

Reality NYC is...oh NYC still has gangs but they are all in the bad bad places we direct tourists to when they're lost. "You're looking for Rockefeller Center?" asks a tourist. "Oh thats in Bed Stuy, you should go at night" directs a disgruntled New Yorker. "...and be sure to wear red"





5.) Combat Shock

Fictional NYC is...deteriorating and completely falling apart. We ignore our returning vets who have shell shock, we can't get them jobs because of the economy and the streets have been taken over by drug dealers, pimps and prostitutes. Oh and all the babies are deformed freaks.

Reality NYC is...ditto. except for the deformed babies. Hmm then again, I'm sure there are deformed babies somewhere that we don't know about.





4.) Street Trash

Fictional NYC is...the homeless and the despair will drink anything to forget their troubles. NYC is where life is cheaper than a bottle of Viper

Reality NYC is...the new place where the homeless and the despair congregate is called "Williamsburg". The new drink of choice is "Pabst Blue Ribbon aka PBR" and we call these people "hipsters". You can identify these hipsters with scruffy beards, sports jackets with t-shirts and smoking Clove cigarettes and playing kickball. They are highly toxic.




3.) Ms. 45

Fictional NYC is...filled with drug dealers, pimps and gangs that prey on mute women and rape them....repeatedly. Oh yeah, vigilantism is totally legal so get your vengeance on!

Reality NYC is...now just filled with women who all look like the Sex and the City meets Hannah Montana. The women who have been scorned or fucked up get revenge by getting into flame wars on Facebook or deleting their boyfriend's WOW account. Also, somehow the ex boyfriend's comic book collection ends up on Craigslist. Wow, that's just fucked up brutal.




2.) Driller Killer

Fictional NYC is...a psychotic dude goes around killing people with a drill.

Reality NYC is...this is what most New Yorkers want to do to tourists who block pedestrian traffic.




1.) Maniac

Fictional NYC is...a mad man is on the loose and killing people all around the city.

Reality NYC is...seriously, you don't want to come here. I think I wanna move now.



When's the last time you were in NYC? Do you like our tourist friendly, Nickelodeon city now? Did you visit the city when it was a haven for debauchery and filth? Are you totally fuckin scared of NYC???

If you know of any other NYC grindhouse/exploitation movies, share em by leaving a comment below.

I *HEART* NY.

Categories: abel ferrara, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, maniac, ms. 45, q the winged serpent, street trash, the chuds

Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

With all the horror remake hell that's invaded screens of late, who knows what the fuck Hollywood will remake in the near future. Remember, Hollywood DOES NOT come up with new ideas anymore. They are actually like the New York Yankees. They either do the following (or sometimes they do both):

1.) Remake an old, crappy, 80s horror movies (similar to the NYY buying old, has been players and overpaying them)

2.) Remake an independent, foreign or surprise film that has gained a cult following (similar to the NYY scavaging for players in the minor leagues)

It's sad but true. So after libraring thru the 80s horror movies of old, below are the Top 5 I think Hollywood would pick the rights up to and remake because they actually think these would be sellable and profitable movies to the millenials and Gen Y generation.

If I've Nostradumsed any of these, I'd like Hollywood to cut me my check.

On to the list!

Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

5.) Q The Winged Serpent

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Because after the success of Cloverfield, people want to see monsters attacking Manhattan

In Q, NYC is being terrorized by a giant lizard. A photographer is the only one who knows where Q's nest is.

I mean you could do this on a meager budget and shoot it POV style ala Cloverfield.

Millenials love monster movies and if there are teenagers running around being eaten you can bank on Hollywood trying to cash in.

The Trailer





4.) Night of the Creeps

Why Hollywood would remake this:

With the success of creepy crawlie and zombie movies, this combines both.

I mean the tagline reads: The good news is your date is here. The bad news is...he's dead.

This is ripe for Hollywood to exploit.

Teenagers, the prom, a small town, the inept cops and sluggy like creatures turning people into brainwashed zombies. This is a proven formula for success.

Throw in some jokes and you've got American Pie meets Slither.

Hollywood is probably salivating to remake this.

The Trailer





3.) Deadly Friend

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Well they are already remaking Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street. So why wouldn't they just rape his other movies too.

I mean this would have a nerd kid, a hot next door neighbor and a girl who becomes an unstoppable, killer robo-coppy killing machine.

The original starred Kristy Swanson as Samantha, the dead neighbor who comes back to life through microchip technology (Intel inside!)

They could easily turn this into a PG-13 borefest.

This movie had an awesome death scene by way of a basketball which you can check out here.

The Trailer






2.) Chopping Mall

Why Hollywood would remake this:

I don't think Hollywood would remake this. But then again they remade My Bloody FUCKIN Valentine so who the fuck knows anymore.

But if they can remake Dawn of the Dead, why can't they have 8 teenagers in a mall getting slaughtered by killer robot mall security??

I'm sure Hollywood can easily PG-13 this little turd and cast Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens to be dual final girls.

When Terminator Salvation puts the spark in killer AI and cyborgs, Hollywood will want to get the rights to any films where a machine goes on a murderous frenzy.

The Trailer






1.) Night of the Comet

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Valley Girls+Apocalypse = FUN and Ca Ching!

Take any pseudo reality stars and have them fight a horde of flesh eating zombies will inevitably give Hollyood the appetite to remake Night of the Comet.

It takes place in Los Angeles and it could have a bunch of Valley Girl, Clueless and Buffy-isms so we can all start talking..like...you know...like this...it would be totally...like cool.

And instead of the Native American guy, it could be Tyrese firing a gun.

This has all the elements of remake-hood. Sci fi, horror and comedy. Chances of this happening 3 to 1.
The Trailer





Other films they may infect:

The Howling
The Gate
Near Dark
CHUD
The Wraith

I'm so sick of the pillaging Hollywood has done to my horror movie childhood. I even sometimes get brainwashed and see the damn things. Friday the 13th, Halloween and even My Bloody Valentine.

So it wouldn't surprise me if any of the movies on this list were remade.

Did I miss any others that you think should be on this list? Let me know.




Tags:
Top 5 80s Horror Movies, night of the comet , american horror , night of the creeps, horror remake, hollywood remake, deadly friend, 80s horror,

Categories: 80's horror, chopping mall, deadly friend, hollywood remake, horror remakes, q the winged serpent, Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

Rewind: Q: The Winged Serpent (Review)

Q: The Winged Serpent

Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

Directed by Larry Cohen

[It's a mini rewind review here at the jadedviewer.com. These were orignally posted on Netflix before they banned me. Enjoy!]

I was figuring this to be a cheesy B-movie, Godzilla/King Kong like movie...but it didn't have any cheese.

I can appreciate a film where you can MST3K it but this was so bad I was writhing in pain while viewing it. I think it might have had to do with how I can't tolerate David Carradine and how the serpent had like 10% of screen time!

Instead I had to endure a dumb plot revolving around a totally unlikeable character. Larry Cohen made It's Alive and some other B-movie flicks. At least those had good, cheese.

Rating:

The Trailer:

Tags:
q the winged serpent, q the winged serpent review , larry cohen , david carradine, monster movies, b movies, 1980s horror, bloody violence, nyc horror, chrysler building,

Categories: 1980s horror, b movies, cheesy, chrysler building, david carradine, larry cohen, netlfix, nyc horror, q, q the winged serpent, q the winged serpent review trailer