Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#20-11)

Everybody has been posting their Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010! Sorry for taking so long to get this live but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed out on a few sleepers this year.

Like last year, I've extended this to 20 films. In this list of #11-20, you'll be surprised to find has many of the movies that can be found on the horrorsphere's Top 10 lists. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2009, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2010 as coming out in 2010
• It's a mix of indie horror and theatrical releases
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Black Swan, Let Me In, Shutter Island, Paranormal Activity 2, After.Life and a few other indie horror films that ended up on some Top 10s
  
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 12, Canada=2, UK=1, Finland =1, Australia=1, Serbia=1, Netherlands=1, Spain=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=1, 3 spinkicks= 16, 2 1/2 spinkicks=3 (I did not give any horror movie 4 spinkicks this year)
• Honorable Mentions: The Crazies, Daybreakers, Berdella, Dawning
  
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.

So what did 2010 offer us in the world of horror?

• The horror mockumentary makes an appearance numerous times
• Shaky cam/Shot on video flicks haven't jumped the shark yet
• 3D Horror was everywhere and sucked in most cases
  
• The Human Centipede was the most talked about hype movie that bordered on mainstreeminess
• An unrated horror movie is too much for Hollywood theaters to handle
• The number one movie on my list is again not from the USA
  

Let's get to the list! Here is #20 to #11.

20.) Kill Theory
(2 and 1/2 spinkicks)

Kill Theory is not great but compared to the others, it's pretty solid. The premise is an intriguing one. The movie poses the question: What would you do to survive if given the choice to either kill your friends in order to live.

The answer plays out as slightly cliched and is executed in the most extreme way possible. And somehow it came out five by five.

Kill Theory is not a perfect movie, but director Chris Moore takes the Saw 101 approach and spins in some Battle Royale intrigue and a few goretastic moments. The premise is sound and execution is slightly above average.

When you're flipping through your Netflix or your local DVD store, this is the After Dark Horrorfest movie you want to be on the lookout for.

19.) Daybreakers
(2 and 1/2 spinkicks)

I didn't really review this movie but I'll admit, I liked the concept. It's not a perfect movie by any means but the setup was so intriguing I clearly got caught up by a world dominated by vampires.

Seeing this new world where everybody is a vampire has gotta be the best dystopia I've seen in recent years. You would think the vampires would have thought ahead of what would happen.

The movie forgettably succumbs to a long drawn out battle but seeing the technology for a post vampiric world was why it ends up on this list.

There was so much they could have done and they only did the most adequate amount. But it's definitely a sight to behold.


18.) Death of the Dead
(3 spinkicks)

Death of the Dead is a campy horror kung fu comedy, comparable to seeing a YouTube video of a dude getting kicked in the groin. Think Karate Kid meets Troma and throw in a little bit of Scary Movie and some Zucker Brothers. Mix in a blender and you got Death of the Dead.

Death of the Dead is chock full of sight gags, toilet humor and self aware jokes that it had me laughing at all this kung fu foolery. It's also smart enough to not be those movies where you parody the latest popular movie (sorry Twilight fans). What it does is take 2 genres, the karate action movie and the zombie movie and mixes in the cliches from both to make a comedy that cleverly mocks the mockery.

This is the only horror comedy I have on my list. And it should be proud to be here.


17.) Rare Exports
(3 spinkicks)

Rare Exports is that rare holiday gem that makes you feel the holiday spirit. I mentioned Rare Exports and the viral shorts that gave birth to this feature a while ago. Having seen the shorts, I'll admit it took away from the film a bit for me.

Not since Gremlins has a Christmas themed mild horror film put a smile on my face. Rare Exports takes the traditional little boy staple, dashes in a far away land and throws in a few naked but angry Santas to turn in one of the most entertaining holiday movies this year.

Rare Exports gladly twists your red cheeked, white beard, jolly fat man into the most menacing threat on the other side of the Atlantic. Blending fairy tale into a bizarro Christmas tale, Rare Exports gives you that feeling of being a kid on Christmas morning. What more would you want?


16.) Frozen
(2 and 1/2 spinkicks)

What the hell right? Why is Frozen all the way down on a Top 20 list? I know what you're thinking. It should be waaaay higher. But here's the deal for me regarding Frozen.

I absolutely loved the premise of what would you do if you were trapped on a ski lift and there was no hope of rescue. The movie shows some of these theories play out and a few others that seem quite preposterous. Like the movie its ultimately compared to, Open Water (a movie I also thought was average at best) the best part of the movie is not seeing the suffering or the panic on the faces of our would be survivors, it's coming up with ways we think we could survive the same ordeal.

It's a mixed bag of nuts for me. I liked the premise, the escape attempts and *gasp* even the characters. What I didn't like were the other obstacles that nature threw their way that seemed outright ridiculous.
Which is why it ends up as #16.


15.) Sella Turcica
(3 spinkicks)

August Underground this is not. Sella Turcica is the latest film from Toe Tag Pictures.

Sella Turcica takes the cliched overused soldier's homecoming story and adds a horror element that redefines trauma in a whole new way. This is the evolution of Toe Tag we are seeing and I like where they are going. It may take a while to get going but somehow I have to admit I was liking each of the characters. They reminded me of a friend's hometown, each of the people resembling real people, not the cardboard MTV cutouts we always see in horror movies.

It's an uneasy feeling to go from Lifetime movie of the week to gorehound delight in a span of 100 or so minutes. But that's what happens in Sella Turcica and while we all know it won't end well, you know your going to be shell shocked instead of post traumatized.


14.) Burning Bright
(3 spinkicks)

Burning Bright has been on a lot of Top 10s and after seeing this flick I know why. Such a simple premise but it works on all cylinders. A teenage girl and her autistic brother are trapped in a house with A TIGER!!!!!!!!!!! during a hurricane. It's preposterous but its awesome at the same time.

It turns into a cat and mouse affair and we get some scenes of heightened suspense and tension. The house is traveled well and our final girl does all she can to outsmart the tiger.

But the tiger goes all tiger and is damn smart himself.

Who knew a movie about a killer tiger could give me a horror happy?



13.) Splice
(4 spinkicks)

Insano Steve gave this 4 spinkicks and I would give it high marks as well.

I've missed DNA resequencing films and Splice shows why they are so much fun to watch.

Via Insano Steve.

See Splice. Seriously, see Splice! This was a super fun movie to watch. At first, I had hoped this would be a semi-realistic look at the dangers of gene manipulation.

As it turns out, it was just a B-movie, but a thoroughly enjoyable one. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it yet, go see Splice!


12.) The Taint
(3 spinkicks)

The Taint is the next evolution of the Troma movie. I think Troma has lost touch with it's extreeminess but directors Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson have spawned a new genre of low budget horror comedy. The American WTF movie. That's what The Taint is. It's got a mild plot, some easily identifiable characters and lots of WTF. I've never seen so much WTF in my movie viewing history. That and a lot of penis. Yes folks, this movie has more penis shots than a Playgirl pictorial.

I've seen some indie budget horror coms that fall in line with The Taint. But the others never had the amount of gore and splatter this flick has. In the same vain as Black Devil Doll, Isle of the Damned, Hanger, Gutterballs and John Waters flicks it's 110% offensive and 200% fucked up fun.

Running at an unbelievable 70 minutes, you'll need to take a long cold shower after seeing this filthy filth. If you have a wife or GF, send them to movies to see a rom com because they may "Bobbit" you if they catch you watching The Taint.


11.) The Horseman
(3 spinkicks)

It's been a while since I've seen a straight balls hurtin revenge movie. I still believe Chan-wook Park's Oldboy is the standard though Kill Bill puts out the ultraviolence pretty solidly as well. But that's the past.

Welcome to Australia's version of revenge.

And as the old adage goes, if you see one uber violent revenge movie this year....well let it be The Horseman.

Steven Kastrissio's The Horseman is a climax of alpha male Fight Club fists of fury meets a dish best served cold. The journey we take with Christian, our grief stricken father whose daughter was snuffed by a porn/snuff ring is suspenseful and filled with clashing of pure poetic violence.

Check your guns and katanas at the door. No need for that wimpy shit here. Christian uses a variety of elaborate torture weapons from knives, hammers and pliers to exact his blood fury. So what do we end up with?

A soon to be classic revenge movie that is no holds barred one of the best the genre has to offer.

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CLICK HERE FOR #10-1!!!!

The Jaded Viewer Related Linkage

• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010
• Top 5 Action Movies of 2010

Categories: Best Horror Movies of 2010, burning bright, death of the dead, exploitation, frozen, grindhouse, indie horror, rare exports, sella turcica, splice, the taint, top 10 horror movies of 2010

What is the worst apocalypse for humanity? (The Results)

A few months back I posted my Top 10 Worst Apocalypses. My #1 choice of the most horrible apocalypse to inflict humanity was a zombie armageddon. It looks like you all agreed as out of 199 votes, a zombie apocalypse won convincingly with 25% of the vote. Coming in second was Virus (16%) and Nuclear at (14%).

From the looks of it nobody is scared of vampires (cuz they twinkle?) and robots. I was sure robots would be a little higher as I got them at #4 on my list. And nobody is really scared of alien slavemasters either.

I got some interesting comments as well you can check out here. If we run out of oil, you'll be begging for some zombies instead.

Thanks to everybody who voted. New poll will be coming soon!

Categories: alien bugs, aliens, ebola virus, fast moving zombies, post apocalyptic, robots, vampires, worst case scenario, zombies

Sella Turcica (Review)

Sella Turcica

Sella Turcica (2010)

Directed by Fred Vogel

"Then of course, came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it shell shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha."

-George Carlin

The words from George Carlin still ring true today. I've seen some HBO docs about post traumatic stress disorder and the soldiers who come back are never the same. But they're not as bad as Brad Roback, our main protogaonist in Sella Turcica, Toe Tag's latest film. Fred Vogel and his crew are of course responsible for the infamous August Underground trilogy, but gorehounds should delight they are evolving into more linear films with vibrant characters and a story driven films.

Their other flick, The Redsin Tower is supernatural with gory overtones but here they blend the best of both worlds making us actually CARE about these characters while supplying us with the awesome splatter effects they are known for.

Sella Turcica takes the cliched overused soldier's homecoming story and adds a horror element that redefines trauma in a whole new way. This is the evolution of Toe Tag we are seeing and I like where they are going. It may take a while to get going but somehow I have to admit I was liking each of the characters. They reminded me of a friend's hometown, each of the people resembling real people, not the cardboard MTV cutouts we always see in horror movies.

It's an uneasy feeling to go from Lifetime movie of the week to gorehound delight in a span of 100 or so minutes. But that's what happens in Sella Turcica and while we all know it won't end well, you know your going to be shell shocked instead of post traumatized.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Sgt. Bradley Roback (Damien A. Maruscak) returns home from active duty after a mysterious accident leaves him paralyzed. Awaiting his return, his mother, Karmen (Camille Keaton), and younger sister, Ashley (Jade Risser), remain unaware of the details of the accident and severity of Brad‘s condition. Once he arrives, though he looks sickly, his family members are pleased to see him alive and don’t bring attention to his ill appearance. Over the next twenty-six hours Brad’s condition terribly worsens, barreling down to a gruesome conclusion that will change the family forever.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The cast may not look like that average American family you see in movies but they show a realness of the probable American family. Backyard wrestlers, tatoo artists, single parenthood are clearly written from what we know and not from what we see. Our characters are all likeable and some are designed to be annoying as hell. So whose who to meet our war hero Brad?

• Our mom, our single parent who tries to keep the family together
• Ashley, Brad's sister a dance student who cares deeply for her war torn bro
• Bruce, Brad's bro a tattoo artist with a wife and kid of his own
• Gavyn, Ashley's BF and aspiring DJ
• We meet Bruce's wife and a few friends as minors as well

Everybody expresses concern for Brad (he looks eerily messed up, white as a ghost with veiny splotches) and he recounts a few war stories with one concerning a monkey which seemed eerie. It's the drawn out pacing that could get irritating for some but I found each of the characters oddly mesmerizing. Ashley gives an impromptu dance and bro's share beers. The conversations are clearly emphasizing character development. I began to like Ashley and mom and Bruce but hated annoying Gavyn (as it was probably designed for the viewer)

As the movie progresses Brad falls apart ala the Brundle in The Fly. Bleeding ears, oozing from every orifice and he loses taste for all food. It's a slow deterioration and the effects are to be applauded. If there is one thing you can count on with Toe Tag it's the non CGI effects and makeup.

This leads to a frenzy conclusion where Brad descends into an infected zombie monster and starts your kills. And the kills are fuckin top notch. Beheadings, ripped mouths and a poor dog are on display for you gore addicted cinephiles. Buckets of blood are on display and carnage to the max and when it did, I was chanting "Toe Tag! Toe Tag!" in my head.

It's clear Vogel and his team are making a statement about the effects of war on our soldiers. We get different POV about pro and anti war and the psychological effects of seeing human fatalities on a large scale. The government is painted as a vague evil which hints on an explanation but I found it not necessary.

Watching Sella Turcia (which is a less know medical condition consisting of tumors from the pituitary gland) your watching the heavy toll of war. Damien Maruscak does a great job as Brad and his recounting of war stories makes you feel like you were there. Some soldiers come home with physical trauma which is a hardship in itself. But the mental trauma is clearly more horrible it seems. Sella Turcica explores both and then amplifies the physical with an ending that will give you the heebeejeebees.

My few gripes about the film is that at times it delves into film fodder. Some conversations could have been clearly removed and some were too much character development. Gavyn is the token black guy and comes off as the only asshole though he says what's on most of our minds. I also would have intercut Brad falling apart earlier for some suspense. But those are only a few snags for a film that was made for about $20k.

It's one of the top 20 movies I've seen this year. It may not be as infamous as Toe Tag's previous, but it may probably be the best all around flick they've ever put out.

Gore-ipedia

Dog trauma
Fulci inspired trauma
Beheading
Ripped throats

Nude-ipedia

A tastefully done sex scene (umm what the hell was that Toe Tag?)

WTF moment

Brad's head says hi

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If your a fan of Toe Tag, you need to see probably their best coherent film to date. It hits on all cylinders from characters, to plot, to gore effects and to theme. I'm looking forward to what they do next and as an indie horror fan, you should to.

The Vitals

• The official site
  
• Order the DVD, click here.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Categories: august underground, combat shock, fred vogel, gore, sella turcica, splatter, toe tag pictures

Burning Bright (Review)

Burning Bright

Burning Bright (2010)

Directed by Carlos Brooks

[this review brought to you by guest writer Dylan Duarte, who has a pet lion named Prancing Leo]

Burning Bright is about, at its core, a young woman named Kelly Taylor. Kelly plans to attend college soon, and already has her funding secure, but her mother's untimely death leaves her in charge of her autistic little brother Tom. Her stepfather John offers to look after him, but Kelly trusts him as far as she can throw him. But even after refusing his offer, he still manages to muck things up.

Kelly attempts to enroll her brother in a special school, but when John uses all of the tuition money to buy a tiger for some new safari venture that he's cooked up, Tom's application is denied. However, these things quickly become trivial. A hurricane is coming, so John has all of the windows and the doors of the house boarded up from the outside. The house, which should be safe and secure, then becomes a death trap when the tiger gets loose and Kelly and Tom are trapped inside with it.

The movie kicks off with John (Garrett Dillahunt) purchasing the tiger from a man named Howie (Meat Loaf), though I'm not sure if we ever learn his name in the movie. But his name isn't important, at least not nearly as important as the tiger that he's handing over, a tiger that he can only describe as "evil." John jumps at the chance to acquire such a vicious attraction for his safari. The entire transaction, coupled with the impending hurricane, conveys a certain sense of doom. You know that tiger is going to be the death of somebody and the shady roadside deal is ideal for setting the tone.

Admittedly, it took me a little while to get into the movie, but once it got its claws in me (har har), I was absolutely riveted. I can remember the exact moment it happened.

Kelly was down in the laundry room, looking for a way out of the house. As she attempts to push the board off of a window, the tiger starts to break through the door behind her. Not able to get out the window and only seconds away from being lunch, she desperately clambers up inside the laundry chute, where she has to push against the sides with all her might to keep from falling. She looks down and sees the tiger pass beneath her. I'll stop there, I'm getting chills thinking about it.

From that moment on, I was hooked in a way that only the best nail biters can hook me.

The premise of the movie sounds a little silly: a young girl and her autistic brother are trapped inside a house with a tiger during a hurricane. It sounds like too much at once, but it all comes together perfectly, making for an engaging 90 minutes.

A movie like Burning Bright relies on its ability to generate tension, which it does masterfully, keeping you on the edge of your seat. The ending may be a bit disappointing in its predictability, but it does nothing to spoil the truly frighting experience that is Burning Bright.

"Our guest writer, Dylan Duarte, is a horror buff and writer who writes about Halloween costumes. He can be reached at dylnduarte at gmail.com."



Rating:

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, animals, burning bright

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010

Everybody has their worst of 2010 lists. Seriously, so much crappy flicks seem to have come out this year. I can't really make a worst of list because I actually didn't see these horrible films. Sure it would have been fun to butcher and make fun of these flicks, but why torture myself. I'm not a sadist.

In any case, I did see some UGH, SIGH and OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! flicks and I've pulled the best quotey quotables from those reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of 2010 that made me smash a few walls with my head. The jaded viewer exits 2010 with a LOL. Enjoy!

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"But at the end of the day, it's a low budget bait and switch propaganda shockfest that says I'm blood drenched insanity when its more of an 70 minute death metal music video instead."

-from The Back Room Review

"It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on."

-from Bitch Slap Review

"I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face."

-from Blood Creek Review

"Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button!"

-from The Box Review

"The acting is a little cheesy....How do you make up for this? Add boobs!"

-from Brainjacked Review

"The boobs make their first appearance. They're real and they're spectacular!"

"Jeez jlove's [Jennifer Love Hewitt] cleavage are weapons of mass erections"

"These are the hottest massage therapists ever."

"Omg its a montage of jlove boobs in lingere...this is unfreakinbelievable"

"Jlove's boobs are hooked on coke....omg the cops just busted in! (Pun so intended)"

"Only 30 days in jail for whoring...way to go jloves boobs!"

-from The Client List starring Jennifer Love Hewitt Live Tweet

"Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?"

-from The Collector Review

"Holy hamburger phone! Juno is alive!!....The girl we wanted to die is alive and she's now freakin an expert crawler assassin."

-from The Descent 2 Review

"Yes, I'm actually calling Dread a diet version of Martyrs."

-from Dread Review

"The title is indeed indicative of what you get. Couldn't somebody just give our bunny a carrot?"

-from Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! Review

"The best way to describe The Final is its Saw 90210. In a typical suburban high school, a group of self aware misfits and outcasted teens devise a plan (based on horror movies, oh how self aware!) to take revenge on the jocks, popular douchbags and mean girls. Inviting them to a costume party, the partygoers are drugged and when they wake up are cuffed and chained together. Suffice it say, our teen outcasts are gonna get medieval"

-from The Final Review

"How could a movie that consisted of hot girls in tank tops with bouncy cleavage and two horror titans, Bill Moseley and Tony Todd end up a worthless pile of crap? The Graves is completely clichéd, annoying, repetitive and cheesy. And that's me being nice."

-from The Graves Review

"It's your typical Hollywood fare, but you know...more Koreany."

-from Tidal Wave Review

"What we do have here is a slow burn, drawn out psychological drama that is amped with so many clichés it could be labeled “GENERIC SUSPENSE FILM” by the Dharma Initiative. After Dark is famous for adding these types of films to its lineup and passing them off as “international horror”. Sigh."

-from Hidden Review

"However, at the end of the day the movie is a wicked slow slow slow burn. It takes so long to get to the nitty gritty that no Red Bulls were helping to keep me awake."

-from The House of the Devil Review

"Manhater is a supernatural pseudo rape and revenge movie pure and simple. Have I ever seen a supernatural women scorn revenge film? Nope. This is what makes it different and also interesting to watch. It's not without its flaws in story, sometimes laughable FX and stiff actors. But hey, it's got a porn star on the cover and its got gore and that gets at least a half a spinkick in my book."

-from Manhater Review

"So who is this girl on the cover? Her name is Aya, some mystical assassin with kick ass sword skills that by pressing "X" alot with "square" enables her to slaughter the attacking zombie hordes. "

-from OneChanbara Review

"OK so we got a Ruskie, a Yakuza, an ex Con, token blood diamond slavemaster, Israeli sniper hottie, Eric from That 70s Show and Brody. Odds token black guy dies first. 2:1."

-from Predators Review

"The one thing I’ll say about The Reeds is, well it had actual planty like reeds. As for the movie itself, it’s a muddy boggy creek. In other words, a complete mess."

-from The Reeds Review

"Temptation has hot British chicks with red contact lenses and plastic dollar bin fangs."

-from Temptation Review

"I had to watch this over the course of 3 days as I was getting bored every 20 minutes. That's how irritating this film was. I mean seriously, the film had one death in the entire thing. ONE!"

-from TMA aka Darkness Review

"Thora birch is looking oldish and she's on an american wrestling team? And they are in bratislava! E europe is like the w virginia of europe"

-from Train Live Tweet

...........And finally the best quotables from the WORST HORROR MOVIE OF THE YEAR comes from the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake.

"Wow, New Freddy killed a dog. You so badass New Freddy."

"Why does this Joy Division wearing t-shirt motherfucker look like the douche from Twilight?"

"Micronapping is the "new twist" in this. It's blending reality and dream world. I was micronapping while watching this flick. I also took a shit while watching this flick."

"Also, they had a mirror scare/false alarm cliche in here as well. Jeezus you fucks are lazy."

"I hate remakes. I hate Platinum Dunes. I hate New Freddy. I hate New Nancy. I hate micro-naps. I hate this movie."

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What's your worst horror movie of 2010? Got any quotey quotables you want to add from some not so good movies this year? Comment away!

Happy New Year to all you jaded viewers!!!

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, a nightmare on elm street, worst movies of 2009, worst movies of 2010

The WTF List: The Last Exorcism (Review)

I decided to go with a WTF List instead of a regular review because I know most horror fans have seen this movie already. I'll admit, the promotion for this flick had me scratching my head. I figured it was a Blair Witch meets The Exorcist ripoff. Sure it had Eli Roth's name attached to but I figured it could wait.

Well the wait is over.

The Last Exorcism is one of the best horror movies of 2010 by far. Not because it had elements of Paranormal Activity or exorcism scares, but because somehow the mockumentary feels as real as real could be. Evangelism is clearly a scary thought in general, but when you you see how real the fakery can be and how people will believe in "the show", that's what's truly scary. The Last Exorcism amplifies this horror wise but the foundation is not without a chill to the bone factor as well.

The shot on video POV should have jumped the shark here but didn't. It reminded me of Lake Mungo, which is on my top 10 list as well. When done well these fake docs somehow get the jumpy jumping. It's a smart mock and I liked the mockery of religion. Sure it got a little cliched towards the end though it ended cleverly, it's a haunting feeling nevertheless.

On to the list!

1.) Our scammy Reverend is clearly an anti Father Merrin.
2.) Religion is really magic and banana nut cake.
3.) Cotton is clearly a vampire slayer
4.) You may be part Sweetzer and not even know it.
5.) I'm 100% sure a crystal meth tweekers killed those animals...or Chupacabra
6.) Nell looks like she drank too much Four Loko
7.) All magic has fishline in some way or another
8.) The camera guy actually does a decent job of pointing the camera to where I WANT him to point the camera
9.) But he keeps doing damn reaction shots..STOP IT!
10.) I tell ya, any girl wearing Doc Martens becomes 10x more hotter

11.) Jump scare, BOO scare, dark scare, BOO scare
12.) Sorry I don't bend that way
13.) The lack of CGI is giving me a happy
14.) You don't wanna hear it, but I think America has an incest problem
15.) The film likes to play with your belief vs science struggle. If you're acting crazy, your freakin crazy. For 90% of the movie you feel she's just mental. And that 10% makes you think. Though 9% of me still think's she's looney.
16.) Nothing ever good comes out of a bonfire and people dressed in cloaks and funny hats
17.) I'm one of those people that gets dizzy when the POV goes into nauseous mode
18.) Poor Cotton. He should have called the Vatican 911.
19.) Well he'll never be ahead of a corporation
20.) They don't even try to go all found footage. Imagine this was on A&E or Bio and portrayed as real. 40% of Americans would BELIEVE THIS IS REAL. Seriously...right?

The Last Exorcism is so bumping another flick from my Top 10 list. Dammit. I now have like 3 cinema verite flicks on my top 10. Somehow this feels wrong. But you gotta give credit to where it's due. The Last Exorcism is scamtastic heavenly fun.

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, cinema verite, devil worshipping, documentary, faux documentary, mockumentary, pov horror, the last exorcism

Exam (Review)

Exam

Exam (2010)

Directed by Stuart Hazeldine

Exam is not a horror flick but more of a psychological thriller. The easy comparison is to say its one of those trapped in one room with some offbeat characters type movie. Like Cube, The Killing Room and others it takes that one setting gimmick and milks it for all its worth.

I have to say I liked it.

When you have one of these one room movies, your characters have to be very interesting. And we get a mish mash of characters from the angry Brit to the muttering Frenchman.

The movie is like the Apprentice but with a more insanity and yet somewhat futuristic feel. The candidates try to decipher what the question may be and do everything they can to solve the final test riddle.

I'm not describing it well so you can read the plot below.

Eight talented candidates have reached the final stage of selection to join the ranks of a mysterious and powerful corporation. Entering a windowless room, where an armed guard keeps watch, they are given 80 minutes to answer one simple question.

The invigilator outlines three very specific rules that they must obey – and if they don't, they will be disqualified:

1. They must not speak to the invigilator or the guard.
2. They must not spoil their papers.
3. They must not leave the room.

The invigilator starts the clock and leaves.The candidates turn over their question papers, only to find that they are completely blank.

Tensions rise as the clock counts down to zero, and each candidate must decide how far they are prepared to go to win the ultimate job.

So who are these candidates?

We got a conniving Brit, a brotha, a Middle Eastern looking dude, a hot blonde, a brunette psych major, an Asian hottie and a muttering Frenchman.

Suffice it to say the Brit takes charge and starts to try to figure out what the question and answer is. Lots of bickering and info is exchanged between all the parties and they try several different methods to see if their papers hold the question.

But suffice it to say, it's filled with lots of old reliable reality show cliche antics, characters and double and triple twists. Exam makes you pay attention to every syllable each character utters, makes you notice the room they are in and has some high tense suspense scenes that leave you on edge.

It's like a stage play in form and creates a mythos pretty quickly. Good solid flick that had me go "Ah Ha!"at the end. Sometimes it's those type of flicks that you need to break the monotony of a horror-thon.

Rating:
1/2

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, british horror, independent cinema, indepentent horror, the killing room, thriller

Top 5 Action Movies of 2010

Ahh, the first list of many to come for yours truly, the jaded viewer. Actually, this is a Top 5 Action Movies I SAW in 2010. I can already hear I left out this movie and that movie. So I just had to clarify. This is all solid mainstreamy flicks that were filled with alpha male artillery shells and explosions galore.

And one that had me toppling over....seriously for real (pun so intended).

Click on the title to read my full review. Well on to the list!


5.) The Tournament

The moment I saw the premise of The Tournament I was like this is an awesome idea. Throw in the poor town that has to hold a tournament of the world's best assassins and you got all hell breaks loose.

Starring Ving Rhames, Kelly Hu and other familiars you'll be rocking and rolling through this mish mosh of guns and sniping and car chases.

The assassins just don't kill each other, they fuck each other up beyond recognition. In this new age of action flicks (as Rambo illustrated beautifully) it's not just capping yr ass, it's obliterating the enemy.

The Tournament is an apex in action porn, where guns are blazing, body counts are mounting and parkour and martial arts are needed to win and be called the greatest assassin ever.

4.) The Expendables

The Expendables was the most hyped up action movie of the year. The Big Three was suppose to turn every alpha male action fan into drooling idiots.

The movie wasn't perfect but it showed we can check the egos and put an all star cast of action heroes and still make a good action flick.

I mean the plot is a little contrived and Stallone a little slow but Jason Statham steals the show and is probably the air apparent of the action movie (umm he's not in any Disney movies that I know of)

Seeing Jet Li and Dolph and Stone Cold and Terry Crews reminded me of the original Predators. Just massive huge men kicking and annihilating entire countries.

Good times.


3.) Machete

They say Danny Trejo has played a killer in 62 movies. He's played a rapist in 25 movies. And he's played a killer who is a rapist in 19 movies. Talk about being typecast.

But that's all over now for Danny Trejo. He is Machete and boy can he fuck up people badly as a good guy as he does a bad guy. Machete is mega-tastic and hits on all cylinders. As a grindhouse/exploitation film, as an action film and as a comedy. It even works as Skinemax!

It's bar none one of the best movies this year. Full of the Times Square grindyness I adore it has so many WTF moments you can't help but fuckin applaud. Robert Rodriguez takes the Tarantino formula into exteeeminess, pure of adrenaline knife slaughter, side Jessica Alba boobage and a stoned out Lindsay Lohan.

I will never think of intestines the same way again.


2.) Inception

Inception is probably the best movie of the summer blockbusters. It's made like a bajillion dollars already and the critics are dry humping this movie.

Sure not your traditional "action movie" but it did have your standard heist plot colored in within dreams. Car chases, shootouts and mind tripping layers and you got an action cinema for the mind.

It's a thinking man's movie filled with ideas and layers and more layers. But at its core, Inception is original and different. So many movies these days are remakes, sequels or stories from other mediums.

Christopher Nolan wrote the story over 8 years or so and though it draws from what's been done before, it's cleverly unique. Don't call it The Matrix meets something.
I hate when critics do that.


1.) Kick-Ass

This is one of the best movies of 2010.

Kick Ass kicks so much fuckin ass, I wanted to put on some spandex, fight crime and spew witty vulgarities with my 11 yr old female cousin dressed as Hit Girl. Which brings us to why Kick Ass is awesome-tastic.

It's not the titular character that blows you away (though he does have his hilarious moments) but it's Hit Girl, the potty mouth pre-pubescent tween daughter of Big Daddy (Nic Cage doing his best Adam West impersonation) that steals the show. Chloe Moretz is so fantastic as Hit Girl you sincerely believe she loves ice cream sundaes and switchblades and can assassinate an army of mafiosos with a blink of an eye.

Never has a little girl been so lethal with guns, yo yo string MacGyver devices and a blade.

Kick-Ass turned the superhero genre upside down and had fun doing it. You won't see anything like it again...until Kick-Ass 2.

***************************************************************

I only saw a handful of action movies this year. I did miss a few. So let me know what was your favorite action movie of 2010.

Categories: action cinema, comedy action, inception, kick-ass, machete, the expendables, the tourament

Watch The Taint for for Free via The Jaded Viewer!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Jaded Viewers. I hope you all have a good holiday today and a Happy New Year as well.

I'd like to thank you all for your continued support and thank the viewers who keep coming back to the jaded viewer. Now, I want to hear from you. Leave a comment, ask a question via FormSpring or send me an e-mail. I want to hear from you.

I'm not just a blogger, I want to be your blogging friend.

So I leave you with two gifts today. Your Jaded Viewer Santa gives you the Rare Exports short featuring those pre-packaged Santas.




And from The Jaded Viewer and director Drew Bolduc, here is an opportunity to watch The Taint in its entirety! This is will be only available for free Christmas Day. I've said it before, The Taint is one of the best movies this year. Check out my review!




I hope you enjoy your gifts! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Categories: christmas, happy holidays, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Insano Steve’s One Sentence Reviews-O-Matic (Japanese Militant Edition)

I'm introducing a new feature. This one is Insano Steve's one sentence review o matics. I tasked Insano Steve to review every movie in his DVD collection but instead he gave one sentence reviews (lazy bastard).

They're still hilarious when broken down into different editions. This will definitely be a reoccuring segement on the jaded viewer. This week's edition: Japanese Militant Edition! Enjoy.

• Kichiku - Militant Japanese students fuck and kill each other. yes, in that order, you sicko. has some graphic hari kari scenes! very underrated.
• Fudoh: The New Generation - a girl shoots poison darts out of her vagina. otherwise, it's the usual Miike manga inspired madness
• Female Convict Scorpion: Jailhouse 41 - Japanese grindhouse movie. a female in prison escapes to kill again. features random stabbings in Tokyo streets. awesome movie!
• Battle Royale series - part 1 was great. part 2 sucked. the idea's been copied to death. i own both movies....on vcd!
• Female Inquisitor - a Japanese "interrogation company" uses rape and torture to acquire sensitive information from targets. with all parties involved having big breasts.
  

Categories: battle royale, battle royale review, insano steve, japanese, japanese exploitation, japanese horror, takashi miike, ultraviolent japanese action movie

Triangle (Review)

Triangle

Triangle (2010)

Directed by Christopher Smith

It's that time of year where I look at every body's Top 10 lists and watch the one's I think may make mine. So I saw that Triangle was on one of these lists and I gave it a shot.

It's no square.

Triangle delivers everything you want from a horror movie. Heightened Hitchcockian suspense, twizzler twists and turns and there is blood by the pint. For a movie created out of the UK/Australia that boasts a group of Aussies doing their best American accents, it delivers on everything you want in a horror thriller.

Your mind will trip out from the amount of WTF is in this film. So much head turning plot twists you may need to drink some Four Loko to get it all straight. It all comes full triangle and by the end you checking IMDB message boards and trivia to find out what's the what.

Well I did.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Jess sets sail on a yacht with a group of friends, she cannot shake the feeling that there is something wrong. Her suspicions are realized when the yacht hits a storm and the group is forced to board a passing ocean liner to get to safety, a ship Jess is convinced she's been on before. The ship appears deserted, the clock on board has stopped, but they are not alone... Someone is intent on hunting them down, one by one. And Jess unknowingly holds the key to end the terror.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This review won't be that long because if I explained what's going on it would give away tons of good stuff. Like all movies like Inception, Sixth Sense, The Others you have to pay close attention to get the clues sprinkled throughout. But the film gets into the creamy filling quite quickly. Jess (Melissa George) and her friends go yachting, big storm, encounter strange ship. Spooky strange things happen on the ship.

SLIGHT SPOILERS below...

So we get into weird time travel mode and things get kooky doubly as they investigate the ship. Our crew gets bloodied and shot at and everything seems to revolve around Jess. The best comparison to Triangle is the low budget brilliant Timecrimes which I never reviewed because my head hurt after watching that awesomeness. I would say Triangle is a horror version of Timecrimes.
END SLIGHT SPOILERS

The performance of Melissa George is solid. She plays her part well evolving her character into different iterations. The rest of the cast are just stand ins to the reveals we see. Smith who directed the uber awesome Severance cleverly employs the stand by suspense techniques with Kubrick's The Shining and Hitchcock flicks. There's talk of mythology scattered throughout as the film creates its own. Sure there may be BIG plotholes and logic questions. Even I started questioning if our main hottie Jess did this or that, her dilemma would get resolved but I decided to go with it. When your watching a fantastico time triangle, you just have to shut down the old cerebral CPU.

The funny thing about Triangle is when you think it's over, it keeps hitting you with more crazy WTF.

Suffice it to say Triangle is the one flick I've seen this year that had me Wikipedia-ing, Googling and IMDB-ing after I saw it. I enjoyed the film but wanted to understand it completely. There is always one film a year that makes my Top 10 list that has me hitting the message boards to get some answers. That makes you think minutes, hours, days and months after you've seen it. I like seeing those films (though in small quantities).

Triangle tries to out clever you and it succeeds. You want a horror thriller to challenge you, make you really try hard to find out what's going on. As the ending approached I had my theories and I kinda knew what was going to happen. You can see the cliche coming but it's all good. You want to see THAT ENDING. The one you feel is coming.

Triangle does just that. It's definitely going to make my Top 10 List for 2010.

It's that time of year where I look at every body's Top 10 lists and watch the one's I think may make mine. So I saw that Triangle was on one of these lists and I gave it a shot.

It's no square.

Oh oh. Fuck me.

Gore-ipedia

Shotgun trauma
Head trauma
Slice and dice

Nude-ipedia

Melissa George for an hour and change is in a tight white tank top and Daisy Dukes. Yum.

WTF moment

A pile of dead bodies....say what?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

One of the year's best horror films you never heard of. Its out on DVD and probably on Netflix as well. One of the year's best....ARGHHHHH I better stop writing now.

The Vitals

• Buy it at Amazon
  

Rating:

Categories: 2010 horror dvd, 2010 horror movies, melissa george, severance, time travel, timecrimes, triangle, twilight zone

The WTF List: The Crazies (Review)

The Crazies I've noticed has ended up on a lot of Top 10 lists of late. Because I'm always late I figured needed to see this to see what's the what. So what's the what? It was OK. A decent horror remake that actually lives up to the original by making it modern and believable. I'm not sure this movie is making the Top 10 of my list but it was filled with some good moments and a few moments of utter panic.

The Crazies gets a WTF List because you've all seen it already and I drank some tainted water.

On to the list!

1.) Wow, Iowa looks demographically correct. I didn't spot one minority in the entire flick. Hollywood went believable in this one.
2.) I like my crazy in small morsels of childacide
3.) If you've got a bonesaw in a movie...it has to be good
4.) Never humanize the gas mask wearing army... I like my military vague and scary
5.) That is Radha Mitchell as the hot blonde doctor...I forget sometimes my Pitch Black cast members at times
6.) One thing you can count on is redneck hunters will kill for sport whether or not they are infected or not
7.) Pitchforks aren't utilized in enough horror movies...somebody bring us the pitchfork slasher!
8.) If you got a flamethrower in a film, you've won points on my scorecard.
9.) I thought Iowans were good citizens and did everything the government told them...you know like dying.
10.) Oh mama, what a carwash scene. This is your WTF Moment and it's a helluva scene. Note to self - go to bikini car washes only
11.) Everybody turns crazy eventually...that's why you have to be friends with people who already crazy....because they turn normal...or more crazy. I'm not sure which.
12.) So if the wife gives birth will the baby be crazy too? I wanna see crazy baby in its own movie.
13.) Knife through the hand trauma through the neck trauma was pretty good trauma
14.) I realized I would be screwed during some sort of mass population apocalypse. I have no hand to hand combat skills, no firearms and I can't run really fast. But the one skill I do have is that I can mooch on people that do have those things.
15.) I've been to Des Moines, Iowa. That's the most middle of America I've ever been to.
16.) If your acting crazy in New York, we'd give you our loose change.
17.) There has gotta be better containment procedures than killing everybody. You know, maybe give them 20 Advils...or better yet 3 Aleves.
18.) A bomb being detonated in Iowa wouldn't prevent me from not going to work the next morning...that fallout is like a million miles away
19.) They should have had the same character in Romero's Crazies where they had the crazy scientist.
20.) Was it better than the remake? Ehhhhh it was OK. But with DADT now repealed I think we'll have a less eviler army, don't you?

Now, I'm going to drink my bottle of Fiji water. I doubt its tainted.

Categories: 2010 horror movies, george romero, horror remakes, the crazies