Blood Creek (Review)
Blood Creek (2009)
Directed by Joel Schumacher
Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.
But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.
Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.
I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.
A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich.
I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.
1.) West Virginia has Nazi zombies?
Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.
2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?
I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:
"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"
Would you believe him?
3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?
Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to www.nazioccultforbeginners.com.
4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?
Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.
- He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
- He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
- He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him
- He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
- He's got killer nails
- He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!
5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.
Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.
6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?
Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover).
7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?
What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.
8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?
Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?
9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?
You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.
10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?
Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.
There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?
There is one helluva bad movie.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.
Let me remind you of two words: Batman nipples.
Check out the trailer below.