Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Bitch Slap (Review)

Bitch Slap

Bitch Slap(2009)

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Bitch Slap was one of my most anticipated exploitation movies of 2009. I mean the trailers oozed of gratuitous sex, violence and boobies. So without a doubt in my mind, I knew I needed to see this pronto. Well it took me a while but I finally got to see this throwback to all that is grindhouse and exploitation of old.

Bitch Slap is an homage to those genres, ripe with T&A and some serious amounts of bitch slapping. You're not going to be intellectually stimulated by the film (though if you got the XY chromosome you'll be stimulated in another way). Let's make this simple and do the math here.

Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!

So a typical review would be pointless here. So I'm going to just answer the questions you have in your perverted little mind.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK, I know my reviews tend to be long drawn out paragraphs. So for mass consumption intellect, here is a very easy to read Q&A review, one even George W. Bush could understand.

1.) Oh for the love of all that is nipples, just tell me already does any of the hot looking stars in the film get naked???

Sadly, no. Our 3 sexy vixens, Hel (Erin Cummings), Camero (America Olivo) and Trixie, the "Perfect 10" (Julia Voth) keep most of their clothes on (the few they are actually wearing).

In other words, these aren't the nipples you're looking for.

2.) I heard there is serious amounts of lesbianism, women on women sex, lots of boobie groping and even a montage of the 3 splashing water on each other in a climaxing slo mo. So it's a family movie right?

Oh most definitely. Yup, lots of Baywatch slo mo (director Rick Jacobsen is a Baywatch alum) of our trio acting uber slutty with closeups of their yummy parts. This all hits an apex when the 3 have a water fight dumping pails of water on their perfect looking bodies....ummm I'll be right back......

OK I'm back. There's also a hot scene of Trixie and Hel going all L Word on each other. Man oh man, I think I have my new favorite hottie in Julie Voth.

3.) I could just go and surf for porn or even watch some Skinemax for some hot chicks. So why should I watch this shit?

Well, because what porn and Skinemax don't have is serious amounts of bitch slapping and chick on chick violence. Fight choreographer Zoe Bell (from Tarantino's Death Proof) has designed the ultimate kick ass scenes for you to enjoy.

Not since Nada vs Frank in They Live has their been an uber fight scene that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes. And we just don't get one fight, we get 2!

4.) So who' s the big bad in all of this?

Plenty of enemies get the call including Road Warrior reject Hot Wire, his own GoGo Yubari Kinki and a mysterious Keyser Soze ultimate super villain of legend, Pinky.

5.) What the fuck dude? I heard there are a bunch of flashbacks to explain the plot in this. Can you explain because I get dizzy when that happens.

So to get to why they are in the middle of the desert searching for the diamonds, everybody's back story is told in flashbacks ranging from 6 months, to 3 days to 3 weeks. The flashbacks tell how everybody met and are quite the hoot.

Camaro in a convent taking advantage of nuns, Trixie is a stripper who using her assets to get the info she needs and Hel's got some government contacts and isn't who she says she is. Lots of hilarity ensues and its all kooky crazy.

6.) I heard there are a few cameos from people I know. Is Taylor Swift in this and if so, is she naked?

Sorry, I don't want to interrupt but Julie Voth got better boobs then you do. Yup, there are cameos. Kevin Sorbo makes a cameo as does Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. If you watched Xena, Renee O'Connor makes an appearance as well as does Zoe Bell herself.

Also the midget prostitute from Total Recall (I shit you not)

7.) Can you check again if any of the stars got naked in this? C'mon maybe you missed a nipple slip.

Sorry no dude. But America Olivo got naked in Friday the 13th, so go watch that. On second thought, don't.

8.) I heard that the women in this movie are strong, powerful female characters who are not just beautiful but are also intelligent and evoke some feminist message about empowerment. Is this true?

**Wipes drool** Yeah sure. Whatever you say.

9.) So there's a twist right?

Yeah, even a monkey with a computer could figure out this twist.

10.) Is their enough to warrant a sequel so that I can see Julie Voth again?

Yup. Most definitely. We all want that.

If you have anymore questions, leave em in the comments below. Bitch Slap is total mindless B-movie fun. Sure it's like a strip club, all tease but no show (or touching in a sense) but it is very arousing and very stimulating.

Lots of punches to the face, high powered assault rifles, yo-yo's with razors attached to them and solid bitch slapping. It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on.

But the thing about Bitch Slap is it actually feels like its a better quality of Skinemax. The 3 stars are decent actresses and make the laughable movie into something actually tolerable.

The best way to describe it is when your skimming through a copy of Maxim sometimes there's an article on some ex Green Beret special ops guy who killed like an army all by himself and you stop looking at the pics to read the article. Good article, awesome pictures.

WTF Moment

Gratuitous slo-mo water fight....Yes!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Bitch Slap had a limited run in the theaters and comes out on DVD March 2. It's one of those movies that the trailer made look so freakin awesome. Does it live up to the hype? Sorta. I mean it's got the best cleavage closeups I've seen in a while. Remember dude.

Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!

Check out the official site for a high def trailer.


Check out the trailer below.

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  1. i am in for this, i love bad films... i liked speed racer, dragonball, norbit, zombieland, etc.
    this going to be a mindless screw turn, as you have said... yes...
    isn't the lead baddie played by the same dude who was the hercules sidekick, you may
    have mentioned it...
    will i be seeing this, me and my zombie say "hellz yeah"...
    thanks for your thoughts!

  2. "Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!"

    That's exactly what I'm looking for! Seriously, though, I've been longing to see this movie since I first saw the trailer. I know it's not going to be Citizen Kane (or some other movie I haven't seen that people always compare other movies to), but, well...

    "Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!"



  3. In it to win it. At first, after watching the trailer, that it appeared that it was trying too hard. Definitely giving it a shot now. Great review.

  4. For most of the movie I felt a bit disappointed myself. Not sure exactly why, maybe it was the budget. But for a movie relying so heavily on the T&A factor, I felt more could've been done to make the ladies look hotter. But then, its probably a matter of taste in that regard. On the other hand, the last half an hour somewhat redeemed the movie for me, as the twists were quite over-the-top convoluted and a lot of fun.

  5. I really think there was something missing from this movie. I can't put my finger on it, but it felt a little too shallow even for an exploitation flick. It was sort of like Michael Bay directed a skinemax movie, then somebody edited it for network television.

  6. Can't argue with the Skinemax argument. I'd like to think it was a little better than those parody ripoffs...maybe because the chicks were hotter? Not sure.

    The only girl I thought was uber hot was Trixie (Julie Voth). I think we all agree America Olivo's body is hotter than her face.

  7. jaded viewer, i posted some of your request... enjoy let me know what you think...
    michael bay directs skinamax... ha, that is the funniest poop i heard so far today.

  8. I think this one could end up being a great guilty pleasure movie for me, should I ever get a chance to see it. The whole premise sounds fantastic on a tawdry level. Great review.

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