Triple Threat (Review)

Triple Threat 

Directed by Jesse V Johnson

At one point on this site I was going to replace the Van Damme spin kicks rating system with Tony Jaa elbows to the head. I was digging Ong Bak and all the Jaa muy thai action paloozas he was making. I figured the system should evolve.

Then The Raid: Redemption came out and Iko Uwais was bashing heads and taking on one million thugs to 1 and that would mean an update to the rating logo. I'm keeping it JVCD spin kicks for now because he's fighting MS-13.

Triple Threat has been described as The Expendables of martial action stars. The roster is insane. Tony Jaa, Iko Uwais, Tiger Chen, Scott Adkins, Michael Jai White and JeeJa Yanin.


Could the hype live up to the movie?

You betcha.


Boring Plot-O-Matic

A hit contract is taken out on a billionaires daughter intent on bringing down a major crime syndicate. A down and out team of mercenaries must take on a group of professional assassins and stop them before they kill their target.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Triple Threat is the action equivalent of the Golden State Warriors vs Houston Rockets. A flick with serious star power that's going to racked up a mountain of action points on a massive scale. Just like seeing a Steph Curry vs James Harden match up, the movie delivers you 1 on 1 and 1 on 2 match ups of the world's biggest martial arts action stars fighting against each other.

Do you wanna see Chen vs Iko? How about Adkins vs Jaa? MJW vs Iko? Iko vs Yanin? You're going to see these and more. The dream match ups are made and they deliver. It's a ballet of choreographed punches and kicks, suped up chase scenes and the carnage of the best vs the best. You almost have to feel sorry for the redshirts and low level henchmen and security who tried to stop all of them.

There are some catch our breath parts that break up the action craziness. Chen, Jaa and Celina Jade, the daughter with the contract on her head have some light hearted moments. On the other side, MJW, Adkins and Iko play mercenary antagonists with a twist. These scenes are mostly filler as you wait for the final showdowns.

The most underrated star in the mix is Adkins. He's been in a shitload of action movies and we all know who he is but somehow he still gets over looked even in a sick ensemble like this one. He holds in own as be battles Jaa, Chen and Uwais. Adkins plays an evil mercenary to a tee and elevates the other all stars during their 1 on 1s. It's why Triple Threat reaches critical awesomeness.

As much as the flick delivers its triple threat, a part of me really wanted to see one of the 3 good guys be on the opposite end. What would a Jaa vs Uwais extended action scene look like? You get a glimpse of that in an earlier scene but the WWE definition of a triple threat match is 3 guys fighting each other. Oh what could have been.

My only other gripe is all the random gun violence that seemed uneccessary. You have the top action stars on the fuckin planet and they are shooting at each other with AR-15s. Why would you not take advantage of this?

WTF moment

JeeJa's demise

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Triple Threat delivers all the elbows to the head, upside down spin kicks and martial arts goodness you want. Instead of Jaa or Uwais battling easily dispatched henchmen, seeing the biggest action stars of today battle each other is a sight to behold.

You'll get your Triple Threat team up and honestly they were never in trouble. They won in a clean sweep.

Rating

3 Spinkicks

Trailer

Categories: action cinema, chocolate thai action, Iko Uwais, Jean Claude Van Damme, JeeJa Yanin, ong bak, the raid redemption, tony jaa

Spinkick these Trailers: The latest Jean Claude Van Damme Movie trailers

For a blog with Frank Dux as it's logo and him spinkicking the shit out Chung Li as it's rating system, sometimes my focus wanes into horror movies then from the icon on my site. But I've kept tabs on the Muscles from Brussels, letting you know about Dragon Eyes and his other projects. I've seen Expendables 2 and Assassination Games.

But JCVD has been on a role since EX2. And I'm here to lay out the trailer frenzy he's been on. Below you'll find all the latest trailers for all his upcoming movies and my thoughts on them.

 Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)


The Jaded Viewer says: It isn't a JCVD film unless you have Scott Adkins in it. Adkins joins JCVD's Luc Deverauxas JCVD continues his villainy roles. I have no idea why JCVD's face is all painted white. Maybe he's going to star in Japanese kabuki theater. Also Dolph has died at least 20 times already.

6 Bullets (2012)


The Jaded Viewer says: Well somebody had to knock off and copy the Taken formula and make a straight to DVD film. Why not Jean Claude? Van Damme has been killing Albanians and Romanians for like the last decade. This looks pretty awesome, I saw spinkicks, gun play and JCVD firing a bazooka. All he needs is one classic line and I'm sold.

 U.F.O. (2013)


The Jaded Viewer says: Well this bit of sci fi action seems to be designed to give Bianca Bree (aka Bianca Van Varenberg) JCVD's daughter a lead in her own film. She's got the looks (amazingly she's kinda hot)  and her cameos in the other Van Damme flicks were OK. It's good dear old dad is there to wield a shotgun to give us Van Damme die hards a reason to go see this British flick. It also stars Pierce Bronan's son!

Welcome to the Jungle (2013)




The Jaded Viewer says: No trailer as of yet but check out these hilarious clips of Van Damme in this comedy. Bianca is also in this as well so if we get to see her in a bikini, I'm going to get Dim Mak-ed. Jean Claude plays Storm Rothchild, an unhinged team building coach. It's like the movie Severance but with a funny crazy wacky Van Damme. It also stars Kristen Schaal and the asian guy in the latest Wendys commercial.

So who's psyched for these films? Only me? 2013 is going to be the year of the Van Damme!

Categories: action cinema, comedy action, dolph lundgren, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, scott adkins, the expendables 2, van damme

The WTF List: The Expendables 2

It's all about the Van Damme. Insano Steve and I saw The Expendables 2 first day it came out and clearly I was here for the Van Damme show. I openly rooted for Jean Claude. When he first came on screen, I applauded and howled my ass off. Oh man did he try to act. Some monologue about respect, uranium and fighting like a man.

The other jabronis gave a big cheer to that punk Texas Ranger. I was spinkicking my way to happiness when Jean Villain made his appearance on the screen. The Expendables 2 is more of the same old murder death kills by our gang of happy go lucky mercenaries but what part 1 lacked in a bad guy is made up into pure unadulterated awesomeness with Van Damme.

Onto the WTF List (pretty much Jean Claude edition)

1.) They kill all of Mongolia
2.) Cue Arnold cameo
3.) Cue Bruce cameo
4.) Holy shit, JCVD's got his own Bulgarian gang!
5.) Have you noticed all action movies now are filmed in Bulgaria? Bulgaria, where life is cheap, sets can be built by slave labor and the extras playing soldiers actually died while filming
6.) Scott Adkins is now forever is JCVD's action BFF 
7.) OMG...yeah you saw JCVD spinkick a knife into Chris Hemsworth!!! Fuck yeah!
8.) Van Damme's acting is like hearing two squirrels fuck. It's horrible, makes no sense and he clearly he has no idea what he's actually saying. But it's funny as fuck.
9.) Dolph is actually playing himself...just an FYI
10.) I mean Jean Villain just wants to be a rich as fuck motherfucker. At least he's only using men for the slave labor
11.) This is an actual line: "I have people who are willing to pay ten billion dollars for that plutonium in the mine. Three days." (really 10 billion dollars for plutonium? Couldn't you trick some Libyans by giving them pinball machine parts?)
12.) I'll admit, the Chuck Norris joke was funny.
13.) The Arnold/Bruce ambiguously alpha male duo was solid
14.) Stallone vs Van Damme: I counted 2 spinkicks from JCVD. Where was the Dim Mak? Make him say "matte" JCVD!
14a.) Every Stallone fight scene resembles the final scene from Demolition Man
15.) Van Damme kinda dies like a pussy
16.) Something guns, something punching, something pa pa pa power!
17.) The Couture ear jokes were corny
18.) Hot asian chick should have been played by Jamie Chung. Every hot asian chick should be played by Jamie Chung
19.) At least Statham got to throw some knives
20.) Next super team: Jackie Chan, Scott Speedman and Michael Dudikoff

What did you all think of The Expendables 2?

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, arnold schwarenegger, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, spinkicks, stallone, sylvester stallone, the expendables, van damme

Jean Claude Van Damme is back (sorta) in Dragon Eyes (Trailer)

The logo of this blog will always be loved here at the jaded viewer. And as such, I've always kept you up to date on what's been going on with our favorite Belgian action star. From his last movie, Assassination Games (see review here) to his reality show, I'm always keeping tabs on the Muscles from Brussels. So having discovered the trailer for his latest movie (nope not The Expendables 2) I figured you all needed to know what's the what with JCVD.

Here is the trailer for Dragon Eyes which also stars world class martial artist Cung Lee. Seems JCVD is making Cung Lee do all the work as he plays mentor Tiano. Here be the plot:

In St. Jude, drug dealers and corrupt cops have destroyed an urban neighborhood. But newcomer, Hong, has the fighting skills and moral vision to save this town from itself.

As we all wait for The Expendables 2 (oddly JCVD plays "Jean Vilain") Really? How original!
He's got a few other films lined up. "Welcome to the Jungle" is a comedy starring his two kids (yup they're back) and he sports one hell of a porno-ey mustache.

Jean Claude says Hi from Puerto Rico.



And his final film is completely out of left field. We got into sci fi territory and he will be in a movie called U.F.O. Here be the plot.

Five young people realise one fine morning they are robbed of functioning mobile phones, radio and electricity. While they try to escape this situation on foot, they happen to see a huge flying saucer. Soon the civilisation as we know it starts to break down and the five friends find themselves in the middle of an anarchic turmoil.

You gotta admit, he's really hitting all the different genres and it all might turn out to be awesome. If I get to see a spinkick, that'll make my day.

Dim mak!

Categories: action cinema, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, kung fu, martial arts, van damme

The Raid Redemption (Review)

The Raid: Redemption

The Raid: Redemption (2012)

Directed by Gareth Evans

After seeing The Raid, I tweeted this:

@TheRaidUS is the equivalent of seeing a 100 car pile up, head on collisions and fiery mushroom cloud explosions. It's fuckin awesome

It's rare to see an action movie that says, fuck the characters and the plot! We're not going to waste time developing our characters or explaining the plot. Instead, we're going to give you non stop action for well over 100 minutes and it's going to be some of the most insane stuff you have seen in a while.

Remember when you first mesmerized by Tony Jaa in Ong Bak? Well The Raid is Ong Bak on fuckin steroids and fully armed with nuclear explosives. It's bar none the best action movie I've seen in the past decade.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The plot is simple. SWAT Team are told they have to take out a ruthless crime lord in an old tenement building. The building is heavily guarded by 1-800 Henchmen and house lowlifes, thugs, addicts and pieces of shit. It also has a few good Samaritans who our remaining cops will meet later. All you need to know is humans with lady parts are at a minimum. You're going to see glorious violence in a Just Dance choreography that is pure awesomeness.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I said it would revolutionize the action movie and I wasn't wrong. You may not know the name Iko Uwais but you will after seeing The Raid. Move over Tony Jaa, your 15 minutes are up. I first saw Uwais in Merantau, Gareth Evans first flick featuring Silat Harimau the Indonesian martial art. I'll admit, it had some stellar action scenes but it was full of boring drab plot and story and had staged action scenes that seem to appear out of nowhere.

But The Raid is floor after floor of non stop Silat in closed quarters, rooms with many breakable objects and ferocity of throwing your enemy against the wall numerous times. Uwais is a skilled tactician playing our hero cop and the synchronized ballet of Silat on Silat violence via endless henchmen are a sight you won't fuckin forget.

The man who steals the show however is Yayan Ruhian who plays Mad Dog. Dude is like the Nate Robinson of the film. He's barely 5'8 from the looks of it but his Silat skills are fuckin stellar. In the penultimate scene, he battles Uwais and his "partner" in well over 15 minutes display of kicks, blocks, punches, blocks and gallery of lightning quick Silat-o-pedia of moves.

And don't get me started by the point blank violence. Holy fuckin shit. Here are things I've never seen before:

• Execution of 4 men via point blank gunshots to the head (and one via hammer)
• Silat battle ending in multiple gunshots to the face
• Machete wielding fight scene
• Rude Awakening neck breakers

I mean check this scene out.

This is a badass flick that destroys all semblance of what action porn should be. It defies the genre by be unrelenting and ferocious. It doesn't apologize, it says FUCK YOU and gives you more of what you want. It has moments of pure suspense and anxiety then delivers one screaming kick after the other.

The Raid Redemption is the one action movie you need to see this year. Gone is Thai action. Indonesia is the king of action and Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais are sitting on the throne.

Nude-ipedia

Puhlease.

Gore-ipedia

Mucho gun trauma
Mucho broken bones trauma
Mucho head, arms, legs trauma

WTF moment

Uwais takes on EVERYBODY!!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Raid is out now in limited theaters. It's a must see, no ifs or ands about it. It's the pinnacle of the modern day action flick. It's why it's getting a release here. The Raid may have been overshadowed by that movie with kids killing kids, but leave it up to the adults to give us grown up violence.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: action cinema, bloody violence, crime thriller, gore, guns, indonesia action movie, kung fu, martial arts, merantau, merantau trailer, splatter, the raid redemption

The Raid will revolutionize the modern action movie

After watching the umpteenth trailer and clips of The Raid: Redemption, you just get the feeling this shits going to be fuckin awesome. Sure we can all get hyped by The Expendables 2, but I get the eerie feeling Gareth Evans Indonesian action flick is going to get rewashed, rebooted and remade in that repackaged American way.

Haven't seen the trailer? Check it out.




Remember when Ong Bak came out and it fuckin exploded in your brain? I think Thailand may get dethroned by Indonesian's action stunt teams. I mean look at these scene below. Holy fuckin cow.



There is nothing like seeing some dude gets his head blown up point blank. Plus there a few more scenes of just pure WTF. "Silat", the Indonesian martial arts style seems like it's replacing muy thai for pure action awesomness.

My friends who know me, know I'm a stickler to see original flicks before the remakes. I'm pretty sure they got The Rock and Will Smith lined up for some pussy PG-13 American bullshit.
Sorry Tony Jaa, your ass got replaced.

Is The Raid going to revolutionize the action film? What do you think?

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, cops, crime thriller, indonesia action movie, merantau, muay thai, silat, thai movies

Assassination Games (Review)

Assassination Games

Assassination Game (2011)

Directed by Ernie Barbarash

With the hype that Jean Claude Van Damme has received with being cast as a villain in The Expendables 2, one wondered why it took so long for JCVD to make the decision to join the all star cast. Was it because he didn't want to do action porn? Was he so adamant that the movie be "character action" as he always points out? Did he NOT want to play the villain?

Well I don't think the villain is the problem. Because after watching Assassination Games (formerly Weapon) there is a bit of grey in his character of Vincent. Van Damme plays an elite assassin who seems to be a cold blooded, ruthless uncaring SOB. But with any other JCVD flick, his character evolves and picks the good guy side. This side is includes ultimate good guy played by Scott Adkins as Flint and without a doubt adds the SUPER POW! to JCVD's POW. Now starring in his 3rd Van Damme flick, he kicks ass and is rightly in The Expendables 2 as well.

Assassination Games is a solid Van Damme flick that blends in a bit of The Professional with that Stallone/Banderas clunker Assassins. Think of Van Damme as Leon teamed up with Adkins playing the stereotypical Statham character. It's an awesome team up, one where the world's best assassins face off then in typical movie form team up to kill the Big Bad.

Van Damme is respectively solid and the action scenes are executed with precision. Without carrying the entire movie on his shoulders, Van Damme seems to play well with others adding a buddy cop like feel to the flick. Sure the bad guy, subplots and shoot em ups could have been better but Assassination Games plays out like a stealthy Max Payne FPS that makes me proud to be a Van Damme fan.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Brazil (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is a contract killer, willing to take any job if the price is right. Flint (Scott Adkins) left the assassin game when a ruthless drug dealer’s brutal attack left his wife in a coma. When a contract is put out on the same coldblooded drug dealer, both Brazil and Flint want him dead – one for the money, the other for revenge. With crooked Interpol agents and vicious members of the criminal underworld hot on their trail, these two assassins reluctantly join forces to quickly take out their target before they themselves are terminated.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

After watching a bit of Van Damme's reality show, I saw a few scenes of this film being shot. What you'll notice first is that with every Van Damme flick, he still strives to make the best quality action movie in the business. Bulgaria is the setting of choice and Van Damme's kids get juicy parts. Kris Van Varenberg shows up playing a corrupt Interpol agent while Bianca Van Varenberg plays a comatose wife of Flint.

AG establishes itself with a stealthy opening as Van Damme performs a hit. Juxtaposed is Flint, a now retired assassin who cares for his wife who brutally attacked by what I believe is an evil weapons dealer Polo. Soon Polo has a price on his head and both JCVD and Adkins get in each other's way. There's a subplot involving Flint's former partner and Van Damme meets a hooker who tries to break the stone cold Vincent. None of this is oddly necessary, but it wasn't boring either.

Vincent is a prototypical assassin as we find out. An apartment that's not as it seems, he plays the violin, gets paid only in diamonds and has a pet turtle. We don't get a clear idea why Vincent is like this but I liked the mystery. Director Ernie Barbarash could have put in flashbacks, thank the action gods he didn't. Flint does get a flashback. Seems Polo gangraped his wife and put her in a coma?!? (hmm I have no idea how that could have happeped). Now he wants bloody revenge and Polo's bollocks.

The action scenes are actually super gory. Lots of sliced throats and ears. Gun shots galore are littered throughout AG. Sliced up bodies, gun shot riddled corpses and Adkins provides the spinkicks and out of nowhere punches. Also littered are lots of conversations with double talk, schemes and backstabbing. As we headed to the final confrontation, I was expecting a level of shit just hit the fan but what I got was more straightforward, budget constrained vengeance.

Sure it's another lone hitman movie, the generic action flicks that Jason Statham and his Transporter/Crank/The Mechanic/Killer Elite fold of movies we all love. But this one has Van Damme and it has Adkins and somehow it held my interest for the entire duration. Sure the bad guy and his goons were just assassination fodder, the killing of innocents for motivation and the quick witted banter between the 2 stars was a bit funny. But I like to think of this as a webisode of The Expendables 2. It's just a taste of what TWO FUCKIN HUGE ACTION STARS together can get done.

Now cue this motherfuckin song.

Nude-ipedia

Some Eastern European hooker boobies

Gore-ipedia

Like I said, some sliced throats, ear decaps and gunshots galore

WTF moment

High tech wizardry helps kick ass

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Assassination Games is now out on DVD, on Video in Demand and is also on iTunes. The DVD includes Deleted Scenes and commentary with Van Damme and Adkins. Scott Adkins fans are like early JCVD fans. Sometimes you HAVE to watch everything he's in because it's just fuckin mandatory. Van Damme fans, you won't be disappointed. Assassination Games is better than his previous action efforts.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer.

Categories: action cinema, assassins, bloody violence, character action, extreme violence, guns, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, scott adkins, the expendables, van damme

3 Pairs of Arnold Schwarzenegger Films that are Unintentionally Connected

During Hurricane Irene, I bummed around the web looking for inspiration for a new feature. Shit, I had a few hours to burn before the hurricane-apocalypse (which turned out to be a dud). Remembering old conversations Insano Steve and I had and giving a quick glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger's filmography, one can find many instances where Arnold's films tend to blend together. [light bulb appears over head!]

Sure Arnold has made a ton of film series (The Terminator trilogy and the Conan series) but if you really think about it, some of his films are unintentionally connected. Sure I've made Arnold lists in the past (see Top 10 Villains from Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies) but bear with me as I try to connect 3 pairs of Arnold flicks and explain how they fit together.


3.) The 6th Day/The Running Man

How are they connected? The Running Man is a sequel to The 6th Day

Explain that shit: The 6th Day takes place in 2015 and if you've seen it, it's about a man named Adam Gibson who finds out somebody has cloned him and the clone has infiltrated his job and family. Gibson with the help of his clone obliterates the mad scientist and his goons and the Gibson clone decides to go out on his own to Argentina to start another branch of the charter helicopter business.

But what if the clone decided not to go to Argentina?

The Running Man is actually the Gibson clone (he's changed his name to Ben Richards because he doesn't want to be known as Gibson 2.0) and his adventures on a reality show gone amok. Oddly enough it takes place in 2017 and Richards is an ex Military pilot (ahem ahem). The two worlds are eerily similar with mad game shows, cloned pet commercials and violent football games.

Surely this can't be a coincidence right?

2.) True Lies/Eraser

How are they connected? True Lies is a sequel to Eraser

Explain that shit: Eraser was about a US Marshal (John Kruger) who "erases" the identity of a corporate whistle blower but ends up protecting her from the evil James Caan. It's clear Mr. Kruger does his job well and deserves a promotion. He's good with secrets, coming up with multiple identities for himself and his clients. So isn't it likely he got promoted because of his awesome reputation to The Omega Sector, a US terrorism task force.

True Lies continues the adventures of "The Eraser" as he uses his expert erasing skills to change John Kruger to Harry Tasker, international man of mystery. It's clearly in the same universe and not out of the realm of possibility that The Eraser erased his own identity to lead a double life.

1.) Commando/Predator

How are they connected? Commando is the sequel to Predator

Explain that shit: Insano Steve initially came up with this one and it's kinda fuckin scary how it could work. Dutch is the leader of an elite military special forces group and well yada yada yada... you know the rest. Everybody gets killed, the predator blows himself up and Arnold escapes from the island.

It's pretty traumatizing for our boy Dutch. Your best friends have been killed, you've encountered an alien life form and you barely survived. Clearly, you would want to tell people about your story about how the men under your command performed bravely against an extraterrestrial.

But the military decides to force you to retire and keep quiet about the aliens in Guatemala so you build a life, bang a Norwegian hooker, have a daughter and end up changing your name to John Matrix. I always thought Bennet killed Matrix's wife. In any case John and Jenny Matrix will live happily ever after...that is until General Kirby fuckin shows up.

That's when you start leaving bodies piled up and killing entire armies.

Somehow everything catches up to our boy Dutch/Matrix. Still suffering from post traumatic alien disorder, Dutch/Matrix deals with it the only way he knows how: obliterating Val Verde from top to bottom.

All for his little girl.

*****************************************************************

Can you think of any other connections in Arnold flicks? I've been thinking Kindergarten Cop is a prequel to End of Days (Lovable John Kimble has a tumor, quits the police force and battles Satan) but that might be stretching it a bit.

Are there any other films you know of that might be unintentional sequels or prequels to each other? Sound off fellow jaded viewers.

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, arnold schwarenegger, commando, predator, predators, the expendables, the running man, true lies

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Review)

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Directed by Uwe Boll

I don't think I've seen a Uwe Boll movie since Postal.

Avoiding Uwe Boll movies isn't to hard. But Brendan Fletcher (a Boll regular) reminds us that the reason Uwe Boll's names keep popping up on the Interwebs is because websites give him the free coverage he knows he'll get if he keeps making fucked up movies. For every Auschwitz he makes, he does make a Bloodrayne 3.

So I'm as guilty as everybody else when I review this 3rd installment of Bloodrayne. I try to go in and hope it's tolerable but it's inevitable that this flick was doomed from the start.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place.

In between the lovely Natassia Malthe as Rayne slices and dices, has lesbian sex then in one of the most WTF moments ever has sex with a resistance fighter in the back of a Nazi truck where they are prisoners headed to their execution. Read that sentence again. Got it? Now that's Uwe Boll making sure we get ample boobage no matter what the situation.

I don't have to lecture you on the Uwe Boll movie game to film process. It's pretty shitty all around. So here are some pics and clips to save you 70 minutes of your time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rayne fights against the Nazis in Europe during World War II, encountering Ekart Brand, a Nazi leader whose target is to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood in an attempt to transform him into a dhampir and attain immortality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK you probably want to see Natassia Malthe naked because as well as killing Nazis and Nazi vampires she still has time to get some lesbo sex and fuck in the back of a Nazi trunk. So this be your exit to see her boobage. See am I not thinking of your best interests?

Let's check out some pics.

There isn't any way I could maintain eye contact with Rayne

These aren't your Indiana Jones Nazis

I don't know why she's wearing that leather hat thing either

Sometimes you gotta kill Nazi vampires in a bikini

Here's some clips. I'll set them up for you.

Here's Rayne distracting the soldiers with her cleavage. It works every time.

Lots of voice over dialogue just to see her cleavage.



She just had lesbian sex 2 minutes before this action scene.



Here's the trailer.



Nude-ipedia

Natassia Malthe gets naked for all of us

Gore-ipedia

Lots of standard slice and dice, decaps and vamps turning into ooze

WTF moment

Really? A sex scene in the back of a moving Nazi truck where your like 5 min away from being executed?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ummm I liked Kristinna Loken better.

Rating:

Categories: 2011 horror movies, action cinema, bloodrayne, german horror, german splatter, gratuitous nudity, nazis, nudity, stop uwe boll, uwe boll, vampires, world war 2

Ip Man 2 (Review)

Ip Man 2

Ip Man 2 (2010)

Directed by Wilson Yip

[this review brought to you by guest writer Camiele White who was a former apprentice of Beatrix Kiddo]

After 20 years of consciously watching film (the first five don’t count, for obvious reasons), my favourite films seem to always be Martial Arts related. When my brother came to me with a film he dubbed “the greatest action film of all time”, I had my doubts, particularly because I hadn’t seen a large variety of action films that were both adrenaline pumping and artistic works of brilliance. However, my brother has yet to steer me wrong, so I gave it a chance. It was the moment I welcomed Ip Man into my life.

After having seen the first film, I was thirsty, no RAVENOUS for more! Without becoming overcome with emotion, I’ll simply say Ip Man 2 didn’t fail to deliver. It was one of those films that you see once in your life, once in an existential dilemma about the worth of your own life --yeah, it was that deep for me.

Barring my overdramatic infatuation with the film, it actually opened my eyes to a universal truth --Americans don’t know shit! I consider myself incredibly open-minded. That being said, there’s so much about Asian cinema that I’m missing that it’s almost embarrassing. That point was driven home with a stake the size of Montreal when I had the pleasure of experiencing the Ip Man series for the first time.

Ip Man tells the story of the legendary Yip Man, known commonly as Ip Man, one of the most venerated masters of Chinese Martial Arts and the undisputed master of Wing Chun. Most renowned for becoming the teacher of, arguably, the greatest Chinese martial artist of all time, Bruce Lee, Ip Man was a quiet nobleman who had a keen and organic understanding of the movement of the human body. The first film shows his struggle to effectively carry an entire nation on his shoulders during the second Sino-Japanese War. As with most films based on historical fact, the directors take a few liberties with the facts in order to heighten the dramatic effect; however, those moments are few and far between. What I experienced was nothing short of miraculous.

Ip Man 2 picks up where its predecessor left of: after winning a battle against Miura (portrayed by Ikeuchi Hiroyuki), a ruthless Japanese general and respectable martial artist in his own right, Ip Man is shot by a shady lieutenant with a sizeable chip on his shoulders who spits on the self-respect and tradition of the Chinese folk (let’s just say the man had one hell of a Napoleon Complex). After his shooting, the Chinese people, who are barricaded behind wooden spiked fences, force their way through and help Ip Man and his family escape their home of Foshan.

In the opening scene, we see Ip Man, portrayed by the highly underrated (and the second most incredible Chinese actor I’ve ever seen), Donnie Yen, attempting to find a place to open his Martial Arts school. He finds an abandoned roof annexed to a plant nursery, used solely to hang laundry. As is the case in many traditional Martial Arts films, a cocky young challenger waltzes through the doors to flex his muscle and see what all the fuss is about this Ip Man. Boy, did he learn a thing or twelve. Without blinking an eye, Master Ip devours this man with all the grace and poise of an elegant dancer. Thus setting the pace for the rest of the film.

On top of all the craziness surrounding the territorial nature of Martial Arts, Master Ip’s wife, Cheung Wing-sing (played by the ever-gorgeous Lynn Hung) is pregnant with another child and trying her best to save as much money as possible as her husband waits for students. Then when the British Invasion hits the Chinese shores, all hell breaks loose.

As tends to be the trend, the Brits have an itching for some Imperialism and decide to spread their European power to China. With a snarky (and poorly acted) British event promoter exploiting the beauty of Chinese Martial Arts to make some quick cash, the film alludes early on to an imminent clash between a British boxer and Master Ip. The fight is, of course, set up with an early casualty of nationalism --Master Hung, a renowned teacher of Hung Gar. He’s killed by the British boxing star, Taylor “The Twister” Milos, when Master Hung becomes outraged with his blatant insults of Chinese culture and challenges him in the ring.

Vengeance and national honour is on the line as Master Ip prepares to fight Twister and obliterate the misconception of most of the Western world of the 50s that Chinese culture is a commodity in place to entertain the masses.

As the plot twists and escalates in overt social commentary, two aspects that always remain effortless are the dramatic poise and natural beauty of the surroundings. The film is a testament to the grace inherent in true Martial Arts. It’s a film that’s completely full of pride and dignity. As with the other films that fill the top spots of my all time favourites, Ip Man and Ip Man 2 are true cinematic marvels that have enough action to keep one riveted, but is never crass or over the top, simply dramatic and sophisticated, portraying true life at its most intense.

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Camiele White suffers from too much film information. In order to remedy her psychosis she’s decided to write about it. Right now, she’s trying something a bit different and writes about Theatrical Costumes. If you want to engage in a little conversation (at your own risk) she can be reached at cmlewhite at gmail [dot] com.

Check out the trailer below.

Categories: action cinema, china, hong kong, kung fu, martial arts

BKO: Bangkok Knockout (Review)

BKO: Bangkok Knockout

BKO: Bangkok Knockout (2010)

Directed by Panna Rittikrai

[part of the NYAFF 2011]

What's the definition of action porn?

It's BKO: Bangkok Knockout which is without a doubt, the best action movie of 2011 (premiering in NYC at the NYAFF 2011). This is to be expected from Panna Rittikrai, legendary director of Born to Fight and fight coordinator for Ong Bak and Chocolate. He's made Tony Jaa ad Jeeja Yanin household names when it comes to action cinema.

BKO raises the bar of Thai action films so high, it's going to be hard to top it unless we get a sequel. The level of stunts, choreographed fight scenes and adrenaline pumping action sequences is so over the top and so off the charts it's a testament to Rittikrai's fight team's talent and threshold for pain.

One must dismiss the bad acting, the ridiculous cartooney plot and bodily harm logic when it comes to BKO. Like porn, these are only set ups to get to the money shot. And the money shots come shooting faster, harder and longer than anything I've ever see come out. (Sorry the puns write themselves).

BKO is an orgy and ballet of violence set to a soundtrack. You won't know the names of the characters or care if the bad guys get their comeuppance. Seriously, it's not important. As long as you were mesmerized by the punches, kicks, double kicks, double punches and the synchronized attacks, BKO has done it's job.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rittkrai is a legend in Thai action cinema. The director of Born to Fight and fight coordinator for such classics as Ong Bak and Chocolate, he was the star of many action films in the 70s and 80s, and is famously a mentor to some of the top action superstars working today, including Tony Jaa (Ong Bak), Dan Chupong (Dynamite Warrior) and Jija Yanin (Chocolate). BKO features a range of martial art disciplines. A group of 'fight club' pals whose styles vary from Muay Thai and Capoeira to Kung Fu and Tai Chi must fight for their lives when one of their friends is kidnapped.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I was going to give a breakdown of each fight scenes but there are like 30 of them. In any case, the range of fighting styles is on display going from Muay Thai, Kung Fu, Capoeira and free running. But before we talk about the fights, let's get that pesky plot out of the way.

THE PLOT

So basically a Thai stunt team wins a contest to go to Hollywood to work for an American businessman. But in reality it's all a ploy to have the evil stunt team try to kick their ass. In between this crazy Wile E. Coyote plot is a group of gamblers led by the evil American business dude who are betting on who wins each fight.

And that's not all folks. We've got some kooky love triangle, twists and betrayals and a boat load of revenge themes that rear their ugly heads as this crazy movie chugs along. The movie has tons of comedy in it to which somehow feels screwbally and probably is designed for a Thai audience. Oh and there is indeed an appearance from a lady boy fighter.

THE FIGHTS

But at the end of the day, you're here to see the sex....err I mean action scenes. And there are plenty of em. Taking place in an abandoned warehouse that seems to go on for like freakin forever, you've got gangbangs, double teams and threesomes. Seriously, I'm talking about the action.

There is a killer fight scene in a caged off area that's pure awesomeness with aerial kicks I've never seen before. A boy lady?!? takes on one of our good guys ending in a slo mo water fighting sequence. We also get a masked man with an ax sustain high levels of Ryu and Ken kicking ending in a flaming ax.

And get this! They added a Fast and Furious killer car to the mix as our heroes dodge being run over. In all of this somehow our hero Pom or Pod, I forget his name has to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend.

Even more fighting with metal bars, a sequence of free running (aka parkour) and our hero battling his arch nemesis tops it all off. And at some point, you're going "That's it right?" They can't possibly top that Matrix like finishing move can they?

But they keep going.

The beauty of these action sequences is that they've taken tons of hard work to get it right. I'm pretty sure everything filmed was of the non CGI variety (fuck you Hollywood...this is how fight scenes are done). I applaud our heroes and their level of talent but I also have to applaud the henchmen getting their ass kicked. It's teamwork that makes all these fight sequences work. Sure the masked evil stunt team is waiting to get kicked but their absorbing the most damage. The editing that also has to be done was pretty solid. But to see that the timing has to be just right and the punches and kicks have to be measured carefully is quite a sight. This is what makes a Rittikrai movie legendary.

And they did keep going. The ending is an orgy and I seriously mean orgy of violence. Fights are taking place all over the warehouse and eventually we even get some gun play. A sequence below a moving truck is insanely awesome as is a juxtaposed fight scene between 2 of our other heroes versus motorcycle bad guys.

BKO: Bangkok Knockout is not going to win best acting awards but it wins the award I'm about to make up. The Jaded Viewer Action WTF holy kick orgy of violence Award for 2011 goes to BKO. If Ong Bak 2 and 3 have left you feeling like Tony Jaa has lost his touch, BKO will make it all better.

Action porn is back and it's better than ever.

Gore-ipedia

Not so much

Nude-ipedia

It's action porn, not real porn

WTF moment

Large metal mask wearing flaming ax guy

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

NYAFF 2011 film festival opens on 7/1. I've created a list of films to check out at this year's festival. BKO: Bangkok Knockout screens on July 2nd at 12:15 pm and also has a showing on July 9th at midnight.

Head over to the official site for more info.

I'm going to give this 3 spinkicks. The bad acting, ridiculous plot and my biggest gripe.....there were no outtakes at the end! I always look forward to seeing the outtakes as I appreciate what the stunt team goes through.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Facebook Page

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: action cinema, chocolate thai action, comedy action, JeeJa Yanin, karate, kung fu, muay thai, nyaff 2011, ong bak, thai movies

Underbelly Blues (Trailer)

Looking for a heist comedy? Well I got you covered. Well more specifically Philip Messerer has got you covered. His latest film is called Underbelly Blues and from the trailer, it's got the zaniest characters I've seen in a while.

After checking out his breakthrough film: Thicker than Water (review here) which was a revelation of vampire ingenuity warranting 3 spinkicks from yours truly, he's switched genres and he's going pulp crime fiction!

So what's this film all about?

The plot of Underbelly Blues follows a mysterious briefcase as it exchanges hands amongst the colorful denizens of the underworld. These include a corrupt cop, a sleazy strip club owner, a pair of lesbian strippers, an ex-military gun-for-hire who suffers from O.C.D. and has a penchant for creative torture, a Jewish pawnshop owner and his dominatrix mother, a British sophisticate who cooks crystal meth, a pair of surfer pot dealers, a legally blind albino gangster, a 7 foot tall, 400 lb neo-nazi, a sexual deviant redneck, a wild-eyed Mexican named Take It Easy, and a brilliant 'brain' called The Architect.

All of these characters are connected through a series of bizarre coincidences which inevitably lead to the downfall of corporate America as the rivalry between two soft drink companies goes out of control.

Well I gotta admit, this sounds damn fun right?

Now check out the trailer. You can also head over to the official site for more info.

Categories: action cinema, crime thriller, independent cinema, indie film, indie horror, Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1, underbelly blues

Top 5 Action Movies of 2010

Ahh, the first list of many to come for yours truly, the jaded viewer. Actually, this is a Top 5 Action Movies I SAW in 2010. I can already hear I left out this movie and that movie. So I just had to clarify. This is all solid mainstreamy flicks that were filled with alpha male artillery shells and explosions galore.

And one that had me toppling over....seriously for real (pun so intended).

Click on the title to read my full review. Well on to the list!


5.) The Tournament

The moment I saw the premise of The Tournament I was like this is an awesome idea. Throw in the poor town that has to hold a tournament of the world's best assassins and you got all hell breaks loose.

Starring Ving Rhames, Kelly Hu and other familiars you'll be rocking and rolling through this mish mosh of guns and sniping and car chases.

The assassins just don't kill each other, they fuck each other up beyond recognition. In this new age of action flicks (as Rambo illustrated beautifully) it's not just capping yr ass, it's obliterating the enemy.

The Tournament is an apex in action porn, where guns are blazing, body counts are mounting and parkour and martial arts are needed to win and be called the greatest assassin ever.

4.) The Expendables

The Expendables was the most hyped up action movie of the year. The Big Three was suppose to turn every alpha male action fan into drooling idiots.

The movie wasn't perfect but it showed we can check the egos and put an all star cast of action heroes and still make a good action flick.

I mean the plot is a little contrived and Stallone a little slow but Jason Statham steals the show and is probably the air apparent of the action movie (umm he's not in any Disney movies that I know of)

Seeing Jet Li and Dolph and Stone Cold and Terry Crews reminded me of the original Predators. Just massive huge men kicking and annihilating entire countries.

Good times.


3.) Machete

They say Danny Trejo has played a killer in 62 movies. He's played a rapist in 25 movies. And he's played a killer who is a rapist in 19 movies. Talk about being typecast.

But that's all over now for Danny Trejo. He is Machete and boy can he fuck up people badly as a good guy as he does a bad guy. Machete is mega-tastic and hits on all cylinders. As a grindhouse/exploitation film, as an action film and as a comedy. It even works as Skinemax!

It's bar none one of the best movies this year. Full of the Times Square grindyness I adore it has so many WTF moments you can't help but fuckin applaud. Robert Rodriguez takes the Tarantino formula into exteeeminess, pure of adrenaline knife slaughter, side Jessica Alba boobage and a stoned out Lindsay Lohan.

I will never think of intestines the same way again.


2.) Inception

Inception is probably the best movie of the summer blockbusters. It's made like a bajillion dollars already and the critics are dry humping this movie.

Sure not your traditional "action movie" but it did have your standard heist plot colored in within dreams. Car chases, shootouts and mind tripping layers and you got an action cinema for the mind.

It's a thinking man's movie filled with ideas and layers and more layers. But at its core, Inception is original and different. So many movies these days are remakes, sequels or stories from other mediums.

Christopher Nolan wrote the story over 8 years or so and though it draws from what's been done before, it's cleverly unique. Don't call it The Matrix meets something.
I hate when critics do that.


1.) Kick-Ass

This is one of the best movies of 2010.

Kick Ass kicks so much fuckin ass, I wanted to put on some spandex, fight crime and spew witty vulgarities with my 11 yr old female cousin dressed as Hit Girl. Which brings us to why Kick Ass is awesome-tastic.

It's not the titular character that blows you away (though he does have his hilarious moments) but it's Hit Girl, the potty mouth pre-pubescent tween daughter of Big Daddy (Nic Cage doing his best Adam West impersonation) that steals the show. Chloe Moretz is so fantastic as Hit Girl you sincerely believe she loves ice cream sundaes and switchblades and can assassinate an army of mafiosos with a blink of an eye.

Never has a little girl been so lethal with guns, yo yo string MacGyver devices and a blade.

Kick-Ass turned the superhero genre upside down and had fun doing it. You won't see anything like it again...until Kick-Ass 2.

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I only saw a handful of action movies this year. I did miss a few. So let me know what was your favorite action movie of 2010.

Categories: action cinema, comedy action, inception, kick-ass, machete, the expendables, the tourament

Bangkok Knockout (Trailer)

OMG. You so have to watch the trailer below of the new movie from action choreographer Panna Rittikrai. He is the man responsible for those insane action stunts, muy thai fights and crazy battles from Ong Bak to many other action stunts.

His stunt team is now world renown and with Tony Jaa off at a monastery (seriously, I'm not kidding), there are quite a few budding action stars that want to make a name for themselves. But they're all going to make an audition in Bangkok Knockout which looks fuckin awesome.

Watch it now.

You done?

Wait did I just see the following:

• A dude jump over a burning car?
• A burning dude smash through a wall?
• A dude get by a car going 100 mph?
• A couple of dudes getting run over by a car?
• A guy get run over by a motorcycle?
• A fight scene take place at the bottom of a moving truck?
• Flying backwards kicks?
• Evil American warlord?
• A dude avoiding a car by spinning?
• A flying knee kick to the throat?
• A backward scissors kick?
• Simultaneous leap frog kicks?
• Flying bike kicks?

Bangkok Knockout comes out in Thailand on December 10, 2010.Magnolia Pictures has picked up the film for US distribution. No stateside release date announced yet.

OK what do you think? Are you freakin excited? Well I am. This looks awesome.

Categories: action cinema, chocolate thai action, JeeJa Yanin, muay thai, ong bak, Prachya Pinkaew, thai movies, tony jaa

Who should be in the Action Hall of Fame? (The Results)

The results are in!

I asked you all who should be in the Action Hall of Fame and you left some great comments. I got some great feedback and a few others chimed in via the poll and comments.

Jackie Chan is your winner! As you can see in the poll below he garnered 51 out of 182 votes.

Coming in second was my man Jean Claude Van Damme followed by Jason Statham in 3rd. Jackie Chan is most deserving to be in the Hall with the likes of Schwarenegger, Willis and Stallone. His action resume is freakin stellar on both sides of the ocean.

I got some great comments on why Jackie Chan came in first. See below.

Alyssa wrote:

"Jackie Chan is the shit.. no one compares, and he is an amaizing person who made worldwide people entertained with his sick ass moves!"

JustinH wrote:

"jackie chan without a doubt, forget his american movies, what he has done for world cinema throughout the late 70's until now has been incredible. The amount of pain doing them death defying stunts and brilliant fight choreography are untouched. Also he's a director,producer,writer,stunt chor,fight chor,singer,editor, everything. he is the ultimate action hero."

Rabid Fox wrote:

"Begrudgingly, I must tip my hat to Jackie Chan. I enjoy so few of his movies, but there's no doubt that the guy's filmography is prolific. And the guy does so many of his own stunts, I have found the end credits to his movies where they show the mishaps of stunt work to be more enjoyable than the actual film."

Thanks to all who voted and I'll be coming up with a new poll soon!

Congrats Jackie Chan! You deserve it!

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, arnold schwarenegger, Jean Claude Van Damme, steven seagal, sylvester stallone, the expendables