Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Collector (Review)

The Collector

The Collector (2009)

Directed by Marcus Dunstan

I never liked Saw. My main gripe was it was told in flashbacks that destroyed the suspense. So all that was left was seeing how somebody died or lived through the trap.

Mind you I still watch the Saw movies even though I despise them. Why? Because it's like a bad TV show you've already watched a couple of episodes and you feel like you gotta keep watching just to see what they do next.

So going into The Collector, I expected more of the same. More traps, more flashbacks and an unstoppable killer. Well what do you know? There were traps, no flashbacks and we got an unstoppable killer.

Sigh.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

To review this in a regular way would give me a headache, so instead you get some Q&A. Deal with it.

1.) Jigsaw can be hired for house calls now? The bad economy hit him hard. So what's the deal?

OK, it's not Jigsaw but it's Jigsaw's cousin who likes Home Depot alot. Dude where's a black lucha libre mask and he likes collecting people. Yes horror minions, this dude collects people. I guess he thinks they'll go up in value in a few years.

2.) So who's our final guy? I'm betting he's Asian because Asians make good final guys.

Hmm I don't see Asian Final Guys in the slasher handbook. But no it's a regular white dude. Seems this guy needs to help his wife and uses is burglar skills to rip off some rich guy's safe. But Collector Man hits the same house. Oh fuck for non Asian Final Guy.

3.) I hear Madeline Zima plays a goody two shoes, God fearing, very devout virgin in this flick?


She plays a chain smoking slut. What did you expect?

4.) Do we get to see her boobs?

Yup. They're real and they're spectacular.

5.) I wanna discuss the traps. They seem like real traps that can be put together in a few minutes without any real skills. I mean a table from IKEA is harder to put together than these elaborate traps...right?

Hahahaha. Holy fuckin cow jaded viewers. The biggest logic issues (besides Collector Man's tendency to collect people) has gotta be how he puts these traps together. Let's go through the list shall we in a WTF list?
  • He boards up all the windows with wood planks with razors attached to them (WTF!?! This would take at least 3 hours and a crew of 3...c'mon now)
  • He puts nail heads on the steps (WTF!?! That's a lot of hammering)
  • Acid on the floor in a room (WTF?!? Wouldn't the acid burn through the wood?)
  • Like 20 Bear traps on the floor (WTF?!? Bear traps are heavy and take a long time to prensap into place)
  • A scissors trap that results on a death by nails on a wall (WTF?!? Now this takes some serious levers and pulley systems...who is this guy? MacGyver?)
  • Another trap which pulls a victim by the feet (WTF?!? More wires and pulley systems. Does he have MIT students helping him out?)
  • Fish hooks in the shower (WTF?!? I mean seriously..this is some tedious type shit)
  • Various other traps that would require a crew of 25, working 24/7 and take at least 3 months to set up
6.) So do people who seem like douchebags die? I like seeing death by douchebaggery.

Yeah some rich people get zilched so thats always a plus. A few sporadic others die.

7.) I'm a proud card carrying member of the More Gore in Gore Movies Association of America. Should I watch this? Also, can you not tell my mom that I'm a member of the MGIGMAMA.

If you love the gore, you'll see the following: Some intestinal fortitude spewage, tongue trauma, nail trauma, bear trap trauma and death by dog neck trauma, lip trauma, teeth trauma

8.) Do any little kids spew any vulgarities?

Umm no dude. This isn't Kick-Ass.

9.) So is this Collector Man as badass as Jigsaw, Jason, Freddy or Michael?

It's like this dude saw too many Saw movies and wanted to be a slasher in real life. You know a Unabomber intellect but gothy. I suspect this guy has severe mental problems and he is from Bulgaria. Also, he's fuckin fat.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

You know how these movies go. When you think you've won, shit comes out of nowhere to mess up your day. I blame inept cops and terrorists.

WTF Moment

How the fuck did he put all these traps together in like 20 minutes?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well if you're a fan of those Jigsaw traps, I guess you'll like this flick. It's got some serious wicked ones which is why it gets half a rating more than it should get. The obvious logic questions in all these Saw and The Collector type movies has gotta be this:
  1. How the hell can they afford to make all these traps?
  2. Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?
Well I checked, there is no such site. Sigh.

Rating:
1/2


The Trailer


11 comments:

  1. thank you, i believe the visual part of any movie sell is the greatest... until the movie.
    i loved the first saw movie for it's change it up script, but like jurassic park... it's dinosaurs for the rest
    of the sequels. now i am not saying the killer in saw was the same, just as you said... who is next factor.

    the collector's art from posters to photo stills, makes me want to see it either way... alas i love stupid or
    bad movies. i feel someone gave them the cash to produce such crap or some movie executive says hey how about this
    the public will love it. and once again... it all isn't crap.
    iZombie

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  2. I hated this film for the sole reason that it was a vehicle for setting itself up for a series of sequels a la Saw. It was both presumptuous and arrogant.

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  3. Could never get into Torture porn for same reasons exploitation flicks have me in a love/hate relationship: Too violent, too manipulative, too pointless.

    Let's see filmmakers have fun with the horror genre! Gore alone wasn't why Re-animator was so brilliant!

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  4. I had just read a decent review on this one for once too.. Now Im second guessing the $1.00's worth of Netflix monthly fees its going to cost me to rent this one

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  5. Brainless horror, but who cares! The traps were okay (at best), the boobs were awesome and the "bad guy" was totally random. At least it was fun. Pretty forgettable film, tho.

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  6. Yeah I can't really say this was bad...very mindless as everybody was saying. I mean its definitely forgettable at best.

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  7. It sucked except for Zima's topless scene.

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  8. the most annoying thing about this movie is that they never explain y the collector collects people... lame!!!

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  9. I really liked this movies, though you can only enjoy it if you don't read too much into it... How did set up all those traps??? I hated the ending though

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  10. Not bad, aside from the sequel baiting ending and some of the more ridiculous bits. Still, better than most of the SAWs.

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  11. well the sequel is coming out this week and like you mentioned jaded, almost feel some weird pull to finish out a series just to see what might happen. Although the trailer for The Collection didn't seem too shabby. But it'll be like all the Saws, Final Destinations, and Paranormal activities: could have just ended with the first and be done.

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