Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Review)

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Directed by Uwe Boll

I don't think I've seen a Uwe Boll movie since Postal.

Avoiding Uwe Boll movies isn't to hard. But Brendan Fletcher (a Boll regular) reminds us that the reason Uwe Boll's names keep popping up on the Interwebs is because websites give him the free coverage he knows he'll get if he keeps making fucked up movies. For every Auschwitz he makes, he does make a Bloodrayne 3.

So I'm as guilty as everybody else when I review this 3rd installment of Bloodrayne. I try to go in and hope it's tolerable but it's inevitable that this flick was doomed from the start.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place.

In between the lovely Natassia Malthe as Rayne slices and dices, has lesbian sex then in one of the most WTF moments ever has sex with a resistance fighter in the back of a Nazi truck where they are prisoners headed to their execution. Read that sentence again. Got it? Now that's Uwe Boll making sure we get ample boobage no matter what the situation.

I don't have to lecture you on the Uwe Boll movie game to film process. It's pretty shitty all around. So here are some pics and clips to save you 70 minutes of your time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rayne fights against the Nazis in Europe during World War II, encountering Ekart Brand, a Nazi leader whose target is to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood in an attempt to transform him into a dhampir and attain immortality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK you probably want to see Natassia Malthe naked because as well as killing Nazis and Nazi vampires she still has time to get some lesbo sex and fuck in the back of a Nazi trunk. So this be your exit to see her boobage. See am I not thinking of your best interests?

Let's check out some pics.

There isn't any way I could maintain eye contact with Rayne

These aren't your Indiana Jones Nazis

I don't know why she's wearing that leather hat thing either

Sometimes you gotta kill Nazi vampires in a bikini

Here's some clips. I'll set them up for you.

Here's Rayne distracting the soldiers with her cleavage. It works every time.

Lots of voice over dialogue just to see her cleavage.



She just had lesbian sex 2 minutes before this action scene.



Here's the trailer.



Nude-ipedia

Natassia Malthe gets naked for all of us

Gore-ipedia

Lots of standard slice and dice, decaps and vamps turning into ooze

WTF moment

Really? A sex scene in the back of a moving Nazi truck where your like 5 min away from being executed?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ummm I liked Kristinna Loken better.

Rating:

Categories: 2011 horror movies, action cinema, bloodrayne, german horror, german splatter, gratuitous nudity, nazis, nudity, stop uwe boll, uwe boll, vampires, world war 2

Uwe Boll Rampage (Trailer)

OK don't all hate me at once. But I'll admit, I thought Postal wasn't half bad. I know it's the "cool" thing to hate on the Uwe Boll. And indeed, all his movies based on video games sucked like a newborn on her mommy's boobies. But before I bash the German goremeister, I have made it a point to actually see the flick before I trash it.

And I've seen House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne and Dungeon Seed (and yes they all have sucked). I haven't seen Tunnel Rats, Far Cry and Stoic as of yet. Just because everybody says it sucks doesn't mean I'm joining the damn bandwagon. I'm going to be the fuckin triangle in the square hole and think otherwise.

So after watching the trailer for Rampage, it actually looks pretty fucked up (like happy good fucked up). It actually reminded me of a movie by Boll's special effects master Olaf Ittenbach called Poison (watch the trailer here)

Here be the plot.

A man with a thirst for revenge builds a full body armor from Kevlar and goes on a killing spree.

Check out the trailer below. Rampage will premiere at the Fantasic Fest in Texas.





Thanks to Arrow in the Head and Fangoria for the heads up.

Categories: 2009 fantastic fest, guns, postal, rampage, rampage trailer, shooting massacres, stop uwe boll, uwe boll

Postal (Review)

Postal

Postal (2007)

Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll has been called a lot of stuff. People are determined to stop him.

The but in the context of the bizarro world of Boll films, I have to admit, Postal was actually fuckin tolerable.

Filled with such John Waters disgust and offensive material that puts South Park to shame, it's a parody of controversial insanity.

Who wants to make a good movie really when you could just show kids getting shot to death?

And we should all go to hell when we all laugh at that right?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In the ironically named city of Paradise, a recently laid-off loser teams up with his cult-leading uncle to steal a peculiar bounty of riches from their local amusement park; somehow, the recently arrived Taliban have a similar focus, but a far more sinister intent.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

A real review would be giving Uwe Boll my precious time and internet blog space. Instead, I'll cut to the chase and list all the fucked up shit in the movie. I mean, that's really what you wanted to read about right?

Actually funny shit.....

1.) Opening fucked up 9/11 scene and "virgin controversy"
2.) Hot, scantily clad naked hotties
3.) Random "postal" shootout massacres
4.) Crotchy dolls
5.) Little Germany amusement park
6.) Multiple kids getting their asses shot
7.) The cops fucked up activities

Just vulgar, dumb or fucked up shit.....

1.) Dave Foley's dick
2.) Fat woman porn
3.) Verne Troyer being a fuckin dumb ass
4.) Taliban and Osama Bin Laden parodies
5.) Insane, really over the top shootouts
6.) Uwe Boll cameo
7.) The cops fucked up activities
8.) The entire movie

This movie was actually 100 minutes. Seriously, that's 1 hour and 40 minutes I had to endure of a Uwe Boll film. But, for the first time I wasn't trying to rip my eyeballs apart. Yeah its fuckin offensive and vulgar and outright ridiculous, but I'd rather be watching this than some actual attempt of Uwe trying to turn Grand Theft Auto into a movie.

We still have to stop you Uwe. You really must stop making movies.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Gunshot wounds (multiple)
Suicide Bomber splatter
A alot of gunshot trauma

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Very hot naked hippie cult hotties show off their boobies

WTF moment

Child-a-cide

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Stop making movies Uwe. We know your movies are funded by Nazi gold. So why don't you just remake Women of the SS or some shit. It can star Kristanna Loken because we really need to see her naked.

You've got the power to get her to be naked onscreen.

Get to work Uwe.

Rating:
The Trailer





Tags:
postal, postal review , uwe boll , stop uwe boll, olaf ittenbach, paradise city, violent shit, video game movies, postal trailer, 2008 horror movies,

Categories: gratuitous nudity, osama bin laden, postal, postal dude, postal review, shooting massacres, stop uwe boll, uwe boll, video game movies