Showing posts with label german horror. Show all posts
Showing posts with label german horror. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (Review)

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Directed by Uwe Boll

I don't think I've seen a Uwe Boll movie since Postal.

Avoiding Uwe Boll movies isn't to hard. But Brendan Fletcher (a Boll regular) reminds us that the reason Uwe Boll's names keep popping up on the Interwebs is because websites give him the free coverage he knows he'll get if he keeps making fucked up movies. For every Auschwitz he makes, he does make a Bloodrayne 3.

So I'm as guilty as everybody else when I review this 3rd installment of Bloodrayne. I try to go in and hope it's tolerable but it's inevitable that this flick was doomed from the start.

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich is the equivalent of seeing a monkey throw its own feces at a tiger. It's kinda goofy and totally outrageous. You're hoping to see the tiger just rip the monkey to shreds. But all we get is more feces thrown all over the place. Yup...there's shit all over the place.

In between the lovely Natassia Malthe as Rayne slices and dices, has lesbian sex then in one of the most WTF moments ever has sex with a resistance fighter in the back of a Nazi truck where they are prisoners headed to their execution. Read that sentence again. Got it? Now that's Uwe Boll making sure we get ample boobage no matter what the situation.

I don't have to lecture you on the Uwe Boll movie game to film process. It's pretty shitty all around. So here are some pics and clips to save you 70 minutes of your time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Rayne fights against the Nazis in Europe during World War II, encountering Ekart Brand, a Nazi leader whose target is to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood in an attempt to transform him into a dhampir and attain immortality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK you probably want to see Natassia Malthe naked because as well as killing Nazis and Nazi vampires she still has time to get some lesbo sex and fuck in the back of a Nazi trunk. So this be your exit to see her boobage. See am I not thinking of your best interests?

Let's check out some pics.

There isn't any way I could maintain eye contact with Rayne

These aren't your Indiana Jones Nazis

I don't know why she's wearing that leather hat thing either

Sometimes you gotta kill Nazi vampires in a bikini

Here's some clips. I'll set them up for you.

Here's Rayne distracting the soldiers with her cleavage. It works every time.



Lots of voice over dialogue just to see her cleavage.



She just had lesbian sex 2 minutes before this action scene.



Here's the trailer.



Nude-ipedia

Natassia Malthe gets naked for all of us

Gore-ipedia

Lots of standard slice and dice, decaps and vamps turning into ooze

WTF moment


Really? A sex scene in the back of a moving Nazi truck where your like 5 min away from being executed?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ummm I liked Kristinna Loken better.

Rating:

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Karl the Butcher is back! (Violent Shit 4 Trailer)

If this is the first time you've heard the name Andreas Schnaas, well I'm here to educate you my gorehound minions. Schnaas is the director of the infamous Violent Shit Trilogy. Let me take you to a time when horror bootleg VHS tapes at horror conventions were the norm and 3 German directors redefined the low budget splatter film.

With Schnaas was Jorg Buttgereit (Nekromantik and Nekromantik 2) and Olaf Ittenbach (Premutos, Burning Moon). The only way to see their films was to trade on the internet or go to a horror fest and buy a badly dubbed VHS copy. These 3 left their mark in the gorehound hall of fame. Mind you their movies had no plot, their films badly subtitled and had no budget, but that was made up for in the buckets of blood, gore and guts they put on the screen.

So Schnaas who last made a Troma distributed film called Nikos the Impaler is back to his roots with Violent Shit 4.0: Karl the Butcher vs Axe. Who the fuck is Axe? I have no idea but from the trailer I noticed a few things:
  • NYC seems kinda apocalypticized
  • Egypt too
  • Umm lots of people are kinda dead
  • Metal Masks from 1989 look the same in 2010
  • Karl knows kung fu?!?!
  • Gratuitous nudity!
  • Arterial spraying! (looks like Schnaas got $5 extra dollars this time around)
  • Karl is gonna knock some heads this time around (PUN SO INTENDED!)
Check out the trailer below. Thanks to Cinema Suicide and The Horror Geek for the heads up.





Here are my mini reviews of all three movies for the record. I wrote these circa 2002.

1.) Violent Shit

Andreas Schnaas is a cult horror icon throughout the underground horror community. Everybody has heard of the Violent Shit Trilogy. Holy splatter and guts Batman! This is utter torture in the worse way.

Shot on video trash, VS is an exercise of guerrilla film making. A plot is non existent, but Karl the Butcher, our delusional and insane serial killer armed with a butcher's knife goes frolicking around the back, waaaay back German woods hacking up victims who just happen to be there.

The gore is very artificial but in a comical sorta way. Arms get cut off, heads get beheaded, intestines fall out, victims get cut in 2. It's a total ripoff of FT13th but Karl the Butcher has its moments and Violent Shit is fuckin violent shit.

2.) Violent Shit 2: Mother Hold My Hand

The best movie of the trilogy. Looky here! An opening title sequence. Classic splatter. No holds barred dismemberment's, intestines, yada yada yada.

3.) Violent Shit 3: Infantry of Doom AKA Zombie Doom

We conclude with Zombie Doom. Schnaas, you would have hoped by now would have had a budget to make a decent flick but alas he tries to intermix some American movies he must have seen (bad move Andreas!) and add some goofy humor.

Basic plot: Karl Sr and Jr. are reunited and have started a cult. Members train and of course if fail are unfortunately dismembered and killed. A former member (let's call him Chinese guy) and 2 castaways land who unfortunately land on the wrong island must survive Karl Jr's game...humans are hunted for sport. (you so original Schnaas!)

Cult members die, splatter galore, dismemberment's, disfigurements, tit impaling, head impaling, gutted stomachs. You got the picture? A little letdown from Part 2 but it's got the goodies.

So what do you all think?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blood Creek (Review)

Blood Creek (aka Town Creek)

Blood Creek (2009)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.

But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.

Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.

I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.

1.) West Virginia has Nazi zombies?

Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.

2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?

I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:

"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"

Would you believe him?

3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?

Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to www.nazioccultforbeginners.com.

4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?

Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.
  • He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
  • He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
  • He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him
As for powers, he's got:
  • He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
  • He's got killer nails
  • He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!
It's not as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.

5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.

Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.

6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?

Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover).

7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?

What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.

8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?

Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?

9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?

You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.

There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?

There is one helluva bad movie.

WTF moment


Horse-acide

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.

Let me remind you of two words: Batman nipples.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.



Thursday, May 28, 2009

Unrated (Trailer)

I'd have to say my college years represented the golden era of when I watched horror movies religiously. I would scour the interweb looking for the most fucked up goriest horror movies ever made.

So it's pretty fitting that I'd came across German goremeister Andreas Schnaas' Violent Shit trilogy and got hooked by the amounts of gore and splatter a little indie movie could hold.

Schnaas has made a few others, most notably Nikos the Impaler and his newest horror opus Don't Wake the Dead.

But in his new movie he joins with a new German horror auteur Timo Rose to co-direct a splatter film the likes we've all haven't seen before.

So what happens when these 2 join forces?

We get Unrated.

From the looks of the trailer, we're going to get some fucked up slashers as well as supple amounts of gratuitous nudity. Good times.

Slashers with names like "Death Trooper", "Templar", "Succubus", "HellHound", "Melting Man", "Fat Zombie", "Slice Face" and "Ragnator".

I can't wait for this. Kudos for the heads up and trailer from Fangoria.

Check out the trailer below.



Thursday, January 15, 2009

Captain Berlin vs Hitler (Trailer)


Oh where have you been Jorg?

Jorg Buttgereit hasn't made a movie in 16 years. 16 FRAKIN YEARS.

He directed an episode of Lexx 10 years ago according to IMDB and has directed a couple of documentaries. But no feature.

But that's about to end.

Insano Steve checked out his IMDB page and he discovered a new flick!!!

Captain Berlin vs. Hitler

WTF!!! AWESOME!!!

We're going to get to see:

Captain Berlin vs Nazi She-Wolf Dr. Ilse Von Blitzen!

Captain Berlin vs Dracula!!

and

Captain Berlin vs Hitler!!! (headless and robotic it seems)

The new trailer is below. Check it out.





If that doesn't get you psyched, I don't know what will.

If you need a remedial class on the Buttgereit library, check out my reviews of Nekromantik, Nekromantik 2, Der Todesking and Schramm.


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Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dard Divorce (Review)

Dard Divorce

Dard Divorce (2007)

Directed by Olaf Ittenbach

Before Uwe Boll made the words German + Director + Movie = an untouchable, horrible combination, there were a few awesome German directors that revolutionized the gore/splatter films of the 80s and 90s.

The trio of Jorg Buttgereit, Andreas Schnaas and Olaf Ittenbach were the masters of German horror.

Buttgereit is now irrelevant, Schnaas is still around having teamed with Troma for Nikos the Impaler but it's Olaf Ittenbach who has made the straight to DVD gorefest his playground. Call it gore-emax.

Since Ittenbach's gore masterpiece Premutos, he's regurgitated some awesome gore-a-paloozas but always with bad acting, a stupid plot and horrible editing and sound mixing. Mind you he's been the special effects guy for most of Boll's films so if he's been getting advice from Uwe, it's been SARS like. So infectious that it makes most of Ittenbach's films almost unwatchable.

I said almost.

Because you can't discount the gore factor. I've said it before, just like nudity, gore alone can't save a movie, no matter how good the splatter is.

Gratuitous nudity, splatter and gore and plot/acting/ending all have to be in sync for a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 ain't gonna cut it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What started with a routine divorce between Natalie Stein and her husband Tim, will soon take a turn into the unexpected and evolve into scenes of torture, bloodshed and slaughter.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you said to me what if Olaf Ittenbach made a torture porn movie I would have been fuckin excited. The torture and gore would be over the top and unbelievably bloody and realistic.

The only problem with Ittenbach doing torture porn is there is no plot in torture porn. The fact Ittenbach writes horrible scripts makes it more aggravating. He also casts people who can't act. I mean really can't act. I think he puts in his FX crew as actors. I'm serious.

C'mon Olaf, there's gotta be Nazi gold money to hire some real actors.

Natalie (played by Olaf's wife, Martina) is our main goody two shoes. Her German accent is so thick, one can barely understand the Germ-glish that she's trying to dialogue out. Why narrate a movie when we can barely understand it. It sounded like a McD's drive thru.

Ittenbach's plot is all over the place. It tries to be all Rashomon with some Pulp Fiction thrown in regarding some missing cocaine and a million dollars. But really, this is torture porn so let's just descrube the gore/splatter torture scenes.

1.) Pimp Hitman vs Natalie

Highlights include:


-Repeated punches to the face
-Finger slicing
-Toe slicing
-Glass shrapnel dicing

Flashback highlights include:

-Chainsaw child-a-cide (extra awesomeness!)

2.) Daniel vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Daniel goes full frontal and dismembers a body
-Head decaps
-Arms and Legs decaps
-Torso decaps
-Ankle decaps
-Head decaps (via torture)
-Ocular trauma
-Hammer arm trauma
-Needle in the eye trauma
-Multiple OJ like stabbings

Flashback highlights include:

-Gunshot blast to the head (extra awesomeness!)
-Knife in the mouth
-Knife stabbings (x100)
-Meat cleaver to the neck
-Throat slicing
-Meat pounder to the face
-Intenstines gushing

That flashback is one of the best scenes in the movie, so check it out below.





You good? Is that enough? No need for a gore-ipedia for this review. Towards the end, the backround music got really loud and actually fucked up the dialogue that you could barely hear whats the actors were saying.

Seriously Olaf, WHAT THE FUCK??? The twist ending was outright predictable as we get a full reveal of whose pulling the strings but the fucked up sound editing made it so you couldn't even listen to whats being said.

The shitty plot, the horrible acting were bad enough. But fucked up sound editing? That's where I draw the fuckin line.

You can't argue with the gore. But you can argue with everything else. For your career Olaf, stop listening to Uwe Boll. And stop writing your own shit. And get some actors. Is that too much to ask?


Rating:

1/2


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Barricade (Trailer)

With all the talk of Stopping Uwe Boll from making movies, there was a time when German underground horror was envied and praised.

Andreas Schnass, Jorg Buttgereit, Olaf Ittenbach are horror directors that have given us classic splatter movies.

Ittenbach's Premutos boasts a higher body count and more gore than Peter Jackson's Brain Dead.

Schnaas's Violent Shit series gave birth to German horror.

Buttgereit's infamous Nekromantik is what all necro-horror is judged by.

The latest director to join this list is Timo Rose whose Mutation trilogy is a classic modern day gore-tastic horror series.

Check out the latest trailer for his new German cannibal movie Barricade.





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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Nekromantik 2 (Review)

Nekromantik 2
Nekromantik 2 (1991)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

The inevitable sequel is always determined if its better than the original. In the case of Nekromantik, it kinda is.

Buttgereit (still in classic art house mode) wiggles in David Lynchian imagery, classical music and corpse fucking.

And he does it so damn well.

The movie begins with the ending of the 1st movie in all its climactic, volcano glory.




The story (or lack therof) introduces Monika, a Rob loving necro herself who digs up poor Rob (our sick and depraved hero from part 1) and lets it be known that all Germans are into this sort of stuff.

Mind you, you'd think that riggo mortus would be an issue but logistics be damned!

Monika (played by Monika M. how original!) takes a bath with Rob (sorta like Bert and Ernie in those rub a dub tub scenes and only if Ernie was a rotting corpse and we all know Bert is evil)

She cuts off Rob's penis and stuffs it into the fridge (you make the joke).

Then Monika meets Mark (who voices pornos) and he discovers Monika's hobbies are little offbeat. But Monika is determined to make things work in her twisted world and in the shocking ending, we see her devious plan come to fruition.

The ending alone is by far the most clever yet perverted sickest shit I've ever seen. And as you may or may not want to know, let's spoil it for you nevertheless.

How do you solve your corpse fucking problem and your love of alivey flesh?

Well...


As Monika's ruse unfolds, she and Mark get down and dirty but alas poor Mark has no idea what's in store. Monika hacksaws his head most grusomely and replaces it with Rob.

What better way to get best of both worlds. Alas her dilemma is solved and for the audience, gore and sexhounds rejoice.

Nekromantik 2 goes on a whole new direction this time. Buttgereit doesn't go for shock value (well yeah he does but in its in his nature you know?). This time around, Jorg goes for what the title is all about. NEKRO + ROMANTIK. Get it?

Monika's love for both the stiff corpse that is Rob and the satisfaction of sexual desire is perfectly molded into one during the climatic final scene.

So let's just get this straight here. It's one fucked up movie. Buttgereit dresses part 2 in his sick blood spurting, seal dissecting package but at the end of the day, its still a movie about fucking a corpse.

The FX are still top notch (for its day) and Rob's sickly, greenish vomit inducing corpse is the star. Buttgereit giddyups into territory nobody else goes to and his sequel delivers the goods.

Nekromantik 2 is splatter-necro-core at its best. And for Buttgereit, the fact that he single handidly created a new sub sub genre, deserves around a round of decomposing applause.




Rating:



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Monday, October 29, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Nekromantik (Review)

Nekromantik
Nekromantik (1987)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

**Warning: Some of this film may be seen as grossly offensive and should not be shown to minors!!!**

-from the trailer of "Nekromantik"

"DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING"

I remember vividly when my friend and I decided to irrevocably change the way we watch horror movies. As we were super splatter-philes already, we decided to take the plunge into the world of sick and twisted underground horror.

We knew what the movie was about. Sick, perverted necrophilia. But it's reputation was undisputed. It was banned in many countries, even it's own. It's director was German and was being arrested for indecent content for showing it in various German film festivals.

So in the late 90's, after many months of hype among the both of us we went to a seemingly innocent Queens video store and there lay Nekromantik. It's box cover slightly deterioriated. The images in the back of the box very disturbing. The plot summary vague and overhyped. We quickly brought the box to the counter and rented the damn thing. In it's VHS glory (not rewound) it was ready for viewing.

Holy fuckin shit.

Plot summary: (from your IMDB super store)

A street sweeper who cleans up after grisly accidents brings home a full corpse for him and his wife to enjoy sexually, but is dismayed to see that his wife prefers the corpse over him

Yeah. If you can call that a plot. The thing about Nekoromantik is that it's filmed so grainy and staticky (thank's to Jorg's Super 8) you swear you were watching this at one of the old grindhouses in Times Square. And that's why this was the #1 bootlegged film of all time (according to various sources I made up).

The opening scene catapults you into glorious splatter as our man Rob, cleans up after a grisly car accident between some oversexed Germans. He brings the eyes of the corpse home to his wife Betty and we get to enjoy their lovely oh so lovely necrophilia fetish (that's fucking dead bodies). It seems Rob loves collecting body parts (I mean who doesn't?)

Later, some dude who is picking apples (?) is killed and his body is dumped in a lake which leads to Joe's Streetcleaning Agency picking up the corpse. Rob decides that a whole corpse is just what's needed for his entire collection.

The pinnacle scene involves Rob, Betty and Mr. Corpse enjoying the most twisted threeway you've ever seen.


Jorg films this all artsy farsty avante garde Fellini-ish cinema. He intertwines random styilized shots, then shows us some sick perverted corpse fucking. The piano music is all mellow, classical and somewhat mesmerizing. You fall into a trance while watching Betty prop up a a broom handle where the corpse's johnson was and then put a condom on it.

Yeah I know. I can't believe I just wrote that too.

It's as sick as advertised. Later, Rob loses his job and Betty leaves him and takes the corpse with her. Rob's psychosis and depression leads to murder, which leads to rape, which then leads to...well you get the picture.

The final scene finds Rob, totally distraught and looking to fulfill the void left by his wife and his need that is corpse fucking. The climax (pun sooooooo intentionally intended) is outright shocking.

So wtf, see it below.







If you somehow got through that, mucho kudos. Nekromantik is by far Jorg's best movie. He's got themes in it (some critics even say its about the AIDS epidemic), but you really shouldn't be trying to concern yourself with that, I mean seriously.

After viewing it for the first time back then, it did what it intended to do. Shock and Awe. 80 minutes of sick, disturbed imagery and the subject matter nobody dares talk about.

Added listlessly are scenes of a rabbit being skinned (for real!), decapitations, blood soaked baths, wrist cutting and lack of dialogue.

It's to be seen to be believed.

Jorg Buttgereit's Nekromantik is the apex of where all movies about necrophilia splatter flicks are judged (I mean the only other movie in this category is its freakin sequel)

It's so sick and twisted you feel ashamed to have watched it. But never has a movie made me spew out (pun again sooooo totally intended) such vile and happiness. The fact that it warranted a sequel says it all.

The Trailer:






Rating:


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