A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake Trailer Thoughts)

OK, you've all seen the trailer by now. What?!? You haven't? Have you been stuck in South Dakota again? Jeezus. OK, for your viewing pleasure, I've posted it below.


A Nightmare on Elm Street in HD



OK let's start to shred this one with random thoughts shall we?

0:21

Where the hell is he running too? Head to the boiler room pronto!

0:22

Damn, Freddy Kreuger is fast for a child molester.

0:29

We get our first "Hey, It's That Guy". Clancy Brown (Sgt Zim from Starship Troopers and other That Guy roles) is the lead parent mob dude.

0:32

Hmm maybe Freddy never actually did molest or kill those kids (Freddy Kreuger FAIL)

0:41

Ahh the green and red colors that don't run...that rocked

0:47

Michael Bay. Sigh

0:50

Yeah it's the jump roping kids. Sing it!!!

0:55

This is our new Nancy? She's got the girl next door look but I'd rather just stare at Megan Fox

0:57

It's gratuitous internet wallpaper! 1024x768 please.

0:59

From Wall Street to Elm Street

1:02

1..2...Freddy is coming for you...wait was that just sung by Taylor Swift? I don't want to interrupt but that song was better in the original Nightmare on Elm Street

1:05

Blackboards are screaming

1:10

Well they just stole that scene shot for shot with the hand in the tub. There should be a disclaimer at the bottom stating "Property of Wes Craven"

1:12

So John Connor is our new boyfriend Jesse? You aint know Johnny Depp son.

1:15

Really? A car cigarette lighter? Seriously, all you needed to do is drink some Red Bull.

1:16-1:45

Gratuitous quick shot, tightly edited glimpses and death scenes we've seen already in 1984.

1:47

I no like the new font

1:48-1:53

Rorschach? How'd you end up in this? Get Ozymandias now!
I've got no problem with the voice...I mean it's not like they're gonna dub in Englund or some shit.

1:53

Down goes the blonde bimbo

1:54

What the fuck is up with our new Freddy Kreuger's face? He's barely got 1st degree burnage here. I'm looking for 6th degrees at least, maybe some decaying tissue and skin falling off, a few blood vessels oozing out. Freddy Kreuger face FAIL.

For high res still and photos from the trailer, head over to Bloody Disgusting's gallery of Freddy.

Overall, they are going back to basics. I am NOT a fan of funny Freddy. I loved when Wes Craven returned Freddy back to his evil of evil in New Nightmare. The first film is so iconic, scary and creative, it's hard to remake this classic.

The teen fodder are MTV award nominees waiting to happen (best death scene anyone) but we'll see how Jackie Earle Haley plays the legend. Because the entire film will depend on whether or not he can pull off what Robert Englund built up. Sorry, you can't overlook that shit. Anybody can don the hockey mask but fuckin Freddy talks....and that's the difference when you put on the red and green, the fedora and the glove.

So to sum it up, I feel blah, ooooohhhh, ugh, wow and hmmm.

OK, I need to know I'm not going crazy. What do you guys think?

Related jadedviewer.com links: The Thread: What was the worst of Freddy Kreuger's demises?

Categories: a nightmare on elm street, a nightmare on elm street remake trailer, freddy kreuger, freddy kreuger death scenes, nightmare on elm street, worst freddy kreuger demise

Dollhouse "Vows" (TV Review)

I'm back reviewing Dollhouse for UGO.com. Who knew this series would be back but I'll be reviewing each episode this season as well. Joss Whedon has promised this season would be less Mission-y so I'm ever hopeful we'll get to see what was promised in the unaired Epitaph One.

You can check out my full review of the season premiere "Vows" by heading to UGO.

Categories: dichen lachman, dollhouse, dollhouse review, eliza dushku, joss whedon, liza lapira

The Paranormal Activity Effect

I watched the trailer for Paranormal Activity months and months ago and it looked good. I just didn't think it was going to get a wide release and I would eventually see it on DVD shelves and Netflix this year. But what this little movie has done via its midnight madness success is probably going to alter the way all indie horror movies operate.

The long journey of this movie 10 years after of the Blair Witch Project revolutionized the shaky cam horror genre is spooky as the movie (which I haven't seen yet like most of horror fans in America). Internet buzz is high (just like BWP), midnight screenings are out of control and the pro and the anti fans of Paranormal Activity are shooting their 2 cents about what they think.

The fact that there are crowd reports during these screenings says it all. It's very similar to the feel the Blair Watch Project had in 1999. I remember when I saw that in the theater, with an overly psyched up and hyped up crowd. Some left feeling utterly disappointed and others like myself felt it was creative and groundbreaking. After watching it again a few months ago, I realized that it wasn't the spookiness and bumps in the night that made it scary but the fact that Heather, Josh and Mike we're decent, funny loveable hipsters that made me care about the fucked up predicament they were in.

Some of the comments and reviews are in. A few have deemed it unscary and overhyped others as the new trailer suggests are jumping out of their seats. I mean check out that trailer.

I first commented that I thought all these people were actors "acting scared" as I mean it's a freakin showing in Hollywood, CA. Really? People clutching each other and jumping out of their seats? Screaming? Shrieking? Puh-lease.





Maybe I'm wrong. I'll have to see it for myself.

Even the director Oren Peli is shocked by the response of the movie.





So what's the effect? Well indie horror cinema has been trying to capture the Blair Witch in a bottle for some time now. Dominic Perez's Evil Things is in the same vain and it's quite good at getting the scares with the shaky cam feel. Rec (not Quarantine) took the shaky cam into a zombie infested apartment building and has spawned Rec 2. The real question will come on how Paramount Pictures responds. Will they give this film a wider release?

Duh of course they will.

The midnight box office has been insane and the crowds massive (I mean see Bloody Disgusting's LA riot). But my bold prediction is this. I think we'll see big studios use the midnight show as a barometer for indie horror movies they sign deals with. Dimension has their Dimension Extreme, Lions Gate has Ghosthouse Underground, etc. I think what we'll see is test screenings for indie horror movies that would have eventually ended up straight to DVD. I mean this won't happen for all horror straight to DVDs but I think the big studios will see what the hype is for a particular movie and if they see it causing chaos, it'll be in a few major cities and the return of the midnight show will make a triumphant return.

And then we'll start calling this the Paranormal Activity Effect and thus it will replace the BWP as a verb for the revolution of the shaky cam horror genre.

Categories: 2009 horror movies, blair witch project, ghost stories, midnight movie, paranormal activity, paranormal activity trailer, the blair witch project

Capitalism: A Love Story (Trailer)

Like him or not, Michael Moore's films are filled with documentary humor, crash the party footage and ideas that make you think. Whatever your politics are, it's always good to see the 2 sides of the coin. I'll tell ya straight out, I like his movies. Yes, they are biased, probably completely one sided and geared towards the left. But there is truth in even the most one sided films.

Roger and Me, Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 911, Sicko. All have elements of truthiness.
Even sometimes I decide to see a movie that my right side of the brain enjoys.

Check out the trailer below. It opens today in NYC and LA. Oct 2nd everywhere else.

Categories: capitalism a love story, documentary, michael moore

EntertainingEvil.com is entertainingly evil

Well my horror cohort Evil Adam has launched a new site dedicated to movies, comics and the etc of pop culture. He's the same Evil Adam who help expose the director who posted rave review comments of the Wild Man of the Navidad review I wrote.

Evil Adam is scathing, blazing and always going to make fun of the people you like. I promise you'll be LOLing on his op eds and blistering heckles of all things pop. I mean he's up to like 7 posts and he's already ridiculed that Twatlight writer about her pending movie. Head over to Entertaining Evil for the latest in movie and geek culture. Or he'll skull fuck your cousin with the speech impediment.

Categories: entertaining evil, evil adam, the wild man of the navidad

The Human Centipede (Stills)

It's not often I hear of a movie that just makes me drop my cookies and milk on the kitchen floor. But seeing the pics and reading the bizarro plot of Tom Six's The Human Centipede, you too will swallow your gum by accident.

Is this the start of biotorture horror?

This plot is completely ooomphy. Right?

Two pretty American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in his terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy "the human centipede".

Yay. Sick fuckin yay. You can thank the Netherlands and UK for this. Seems Six is echoing Miike and Cronenberg in this insanity, only a trailer and the horror community approval will tell if this is cult yay or cult nay.

Still no trailer yet but some glorious high def pics below for you to throw up on. The Human Centipede has been screening at film festivals all over and will also premiere at LA's Screamfest and Fantastic Fest in Austin.

What a lucky Japanese dude!

Stop staring at my ass!

I hope he didn't eat Taco Bell

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 fantastic fest, 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror movies, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, tom six

NYC Haunted House - Nightmare: Vampires

UPDATE!!

**READ MY REVIEW OF NIGHTMARES: VAMPIRES**

Wow. That pictures worth a 1001 words. The first one that comes in my head is gushy.

Straight from the jaded viewer mailbox is something I was aware of but never actually went to. Every Halloween I hear of live walkthrough haunted houses in NYC where people go through a damn spooky ride where you get touched, see some crazy artistic yet mesmerizing scenery and get a total blend of gothic nights and scares.

This brings us to Timothy Haskell's Haunted House called Nightmare. This years theme is the ever popular Vampires. Though they seem far from the Twilight and Vampire Diaries and more of the bloodysucker and ripped throats. Yay.

From what I read and seen, Nightmare is an experience like no other. Truly psychological and bent on tapping into your worst fears, it seems like this year they are trying to make each and every participant feel like they are Lestat or Dracula's victims. I'm going to go this year and report back on this interactive scare-a-thon.

If you live in or around NYC, it seems like it's worth the effort. I'm sure as we get closer to Halloween, everybody will think of ways to get scared or scare others. Shouldn't we just have professionals do this for us?

Here's some videos to give you the heebee jeebees.









And some yummy, messy photos.





The house opens on September 25th and runs thru November 7th. It's located at the NOHO Event Center on 623 Broadway at Houston (enter on Mercer Street). Tickets are $30 (advance) or $35 at the door. More info here.

For more info head over to the official site. For some behind the scenes stuff, check out Timothy Haskell's blog at iscareyou.com.

I'll planning on going in the next few weeks so I'll let you know what's the what's what and I'm sure I'll let the right one in.

UPDATED AS OF 10/1!!

**READ MY REVIEW OF NIGHTMARES: VAMPIRES!!**

Categories: nightmare vampires, nyc haunted house, nyc horror

The Winner of the Final Destination Friday Giveaway is.....

.......Tom! He picked #437 which was the closest number to the one I chose was #415.

Congrats Tom on winning this DVD. Please send me an e-mail (jadedviewers at yahoo dot com) so we can exchange information.

Thank you all for participating in the Final Destination Friday Giveaway. I'm going to hold more contests in the future. Also, thanks to Johnny from Freddy in Space for promoting this on Win Free Horror Shit!

I've always got stuff to giveaway, I just have to think of creative ways to make it fun.

Thanks again!

Categories: 2008 horror dvd, final destination, final destination 3, free DVD, giveaway, horror giveaway, sweeps, sweepstakes, the final destination

The WTF List: Inglourious Basterds

I'm a big Quentin Tarantino fan. I just appreciate the fact that his movies are combinations of different grindhouse subgenres (crime thriller, kung fu mania, spaghetti western, war machine, etc.) The argument for the anti Tarantino fans is that he "steals" from other movies. To this I say, all films steal from other sources be it other movies or novels or TV or whatever.

So Inglourious Basterds is a mix of spaghetti western and that 70s-80s war machine shootapalooza (the soundtrack had that old 70s war music feel). And it works even as a "what if" alternate timeline flick. Movies are suppose to take you to a place which warps the real world. Where the impossible becomes possible. And I love those "What if the South won the civil war?" premises that sci fi authors like Harry Turtledove have created. Or what if we Germany did take over the world. And QT says what would happen if we had some Jewish soldiers slaughter dem Nazi bastards and try to take down Hitler.

What we get is just pure, relentless awesomeness. So much pure war brutality and harmonic dialogue that you've come to expect from Tarantino.

So let's get to the WTF list shall we? (spoilers obviously)

1.) The fact the switch from French to English is commented on
2.) Jew Bear
3.) The guy who played Hitler is hilarious
4.) QT's dialogue machine is very much butchered in the fact that most of it is done in French or German and it just doesn't feel the same
5.) STIGLITZ!!! (the Vincent character of IB)
6.) It's Ryan from the Office
7.) Was that Austin Powers undercover?
8.) So Eddie Murphy was potentially gonna play the black guy? (see IMDB trivia)
9.) I-talians
10.) People you thought would live, didn't. You're never safe in a QT flick
11.) Poor Wilhelm (he screamed)
12.) A Mexican standoff never gets old
13.) The scalping is so gore-ific
14.) The branding is painfully knife-tastic
15.) Hans Landa is probably one of the best villains....ever
16.) Pipe vs Pipe
17.) "You don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement."
18.) The bumrush to kill Hitler by Donowitz and Ulmer
19.) The slaughter in the theater
20.) Hitler's bullet ridden body bulleted again and again and again

21.) My random rant. Having seen this flick with mostly jabronis and a few geeks, you knew that the obvious fact that QT had to visually point out the Nazi authority baddies is brilliant. Goebbels, Goering... Not many know of the famous SS Nazis and 2nd in command other than Hitler.

I've seen all of Tarantino's movies and if I had to put a quick ranking it would go like this.

1.) Pulp Fiction
2.) Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2
3.) Inglourious Basterds
4.) Reservoir Dogs
5.) Jackie Brown
6.) Death Proof

Inglourious Basterds is a great flick, thru and thru written for the intellectuals, the fan boys and the masses. I mean it's rather talky, but the dialogue always builds up to a payoff and boy the payoffs just scream yay. I'm going to have to watch this again.

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 grindhouse movies, inglourious basterds review, Kill Bill, pulp, quentin tarantino, the wtf list

Incest Death Squad (DVD Release)

Can you believe it? I was speechless when Cory Udler, director of Incest Death Squad told me that my quote of a review of the trailer was on the cover of the DVD. I downloaded the cover art (see above) and there you see it right on the damn cover.

"Are you going to hell if you see this movie? Probably so."

-jadedviewer.com

That was just freakin mega awesome. After watching the trailer, it's exactly how I felt. I mean incestploitation has gotta probably gotta be the last frontier of the exploitation genre (Sick Girl is a pseudo member too). But Incest Death Squad, filled with its blatant, in your face title and mindless annihilation of sinners by a brother and sister in love has gotta be breaking the fuckedupness boundaries.

I still haven't seen the flick, but I'm sure I'm going to get a copy soon so a real review is to come. My running gag here is if any of my quotes ever appeared on a DVD box, I would shut down the site. Rest assured that the site is still going to be up and running as this was a quote from a trailer review and NOT a quote from my reviews (yay for technicalities)

In the meantime, check out very quotable trailers by clicking here.

Below is from the official PR release of the DVD:

Cory J. Udler's Wisconsin shot tale of an incestuous brother and sister who kill tourists in the name of God has announced a release date for the DVD. Incest Death Squad (Shalenn Productions) will be available on DVD October 6th, 2009 from the film's official website www.incestdeathsquad.com. The film will also be available on pay per download sites and various locations across the country.

The film was shot from March 2009 through June 2009 and stars Tom Lodewyck (The Legend Trip, Pickman's Muse, Carniverous), Carmela Wiese, Greg Johnson and Melissa (Horrid) Murphy. It also boasts many horror celebrities including Troma president Lloyd Kaufman, Elske (Jessica Rabid) McCain, Scarlet Salem, George (Night of the Living Dead) Kosana and Sean Cain. 80's Hair Metal giants Britny Fox also make a cameo appearance in the film and lend their hit "Girlschool" to the film's soundtrack.

The DVD will include the feature, deleted scenes, interviews, behind the scenes footage, trailers and the online "rants" of Johnson's "Jeb Wayne" character.

Incest Death Squad will be making its world premiere October 2nd as the kickoff to the Madison Horror Film Festival at Market Square Theatres, 6604 Odana Road in Madison, at 9pm. Tickets to the premiere at $6.00 and are available at www.madisonhorror.com. Tickets for the screening are over half sold out.

"I thought long and hard about waiting on distribution", Udler says, "but at the end of the day, after we were turned down by the one company I thought was the perfect fit, I decided to just take it on myself. I don't want to sit on this film for another year waiting for someone to hand me a distribution deal. The film has a great following already and people want to see it."

Udler is distributing the film himself through the website and various local and nationwide outlets, none of which are huge chain stores.

"We are getting into smaller head shops and indy record stores, weird places where people who love good grindhouse film action can find the film. You're not going to find this at Best Buy and Blockbuster."

Udler is taking pre-orders for the DVD now at www.incestdeathsquad.com. The DVD sells for $10.00 with $2.00 for shipping and handling. The pre-orders being taken now will not be shipped out until October 6th, but as Udler says, "The DVD will be available at the screening in Madison on the 2nd and throughout that weekend. It'll be a good thing for fans, considering all of the film's stars will be there along with Elske (McCain) and Scarlet (Salem), a great opportunity to get everyone's autograph and then sell it for triple the price on Ebay."

Udler can be contacted at CoryJUdler@yahoo.com or at (920) 350 0014. He is available for interviews and appearances upon request.

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 grindhouse movies, 70s grindhouse movies, exploitation, exploitation film, fangoria, grindhouse, incest death squad, incest death squad trailer, troma films

Black Devil Doll (Book Review)

Black Devil Doll (Book Review)

"Black Devil Doll" Novel

Directed by Jonathan Lewis (movie)
Written by Stephen Romano

Read my review of the movie.

Read my review of the DVD.

OK to complete the trifecta, below is a brief review of the book. Yes, there is a novelization of the most infamous, modern day cult classic and it adds more flavor to an already awesome movie.

If you've already seen the movie, lets just list what's been extended in the novel.

1.) More backstory of Mubia Abuj Jama
2.) More backstory of the ho's (all of em..you know its your standard prostitute/whore descriptions)
3.) The novel's POV is from a Professor Julian Krantz (Jama's white intellectual bitch)
4.) More backstory of White T
5.) More story about how Jama's life in hell and how he came to be in the Black Devil doll
6.) 18 pages of the final shootout between Heather and the Black Devil Doll (hehehehe)
7.) More backstory of cops and drug dealers on the streets of Oakland
8.) More Black Devil thought monologues
9.) A new extended ending! (with a twist!)
10.) Extended Oakland Fried Chicken scene

There's more and more in these 150 or so pages. It's still got that twisted fuck up feel and it's quite hilarious. Romano keeps the same fuckupness in the book as whats in the movie and goes more deeper and thrusts some grime and dirt into his style.

It was odd watching the movie, then reading a book about it but it still worked. If you're looking to extend your blaxploitation yumminess, the novel doesn't disappoint.

Plus we get what's to come on the very last page. Yay.

Categories: black devil doll, black devil doll book, black devil doll review, black devil doll uncensored unrated trailer, blaxploitation, jonathan lewis, rotten cotton, shawn lewis

The Expendables (Bootleg Trailer)

I have no idea how long this clip on YouTube will be up so watch the bootleg trailer of The Expendables as fast as you fuckin can before Lionsgate takes it down.

This is REAL. It's a teaser from the Venice Film Festival.

Categories: jason statham, jet li, stallone, the expendables, the expendables trailer

Assault Girls (Trailer)

Screw Legion! The Japanese have their own versions of angels vs demons and it may out legion, Legion. Directed by Mamoru Oshii who gave us Ghost in a Shell and Sky Crawlers, we may have our first international feud in this heaven vs hell subgenre of scifi/horror.

Check out the teaser below.





Compared to Legion (Red Band trailer below), which do you think will be more megapocalyptic? Hey, you know for a fact, Tyrese will shoot a gun in Legion.

Categories: assault girls, assault girls teaser trailer, japanese, japanese anime, japanese exploitation, japanese gore, legion red band trailer

Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme's Films

Well after the slight success of my Top 10 Villains from Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies, I figured I should topple the filmography of our beloved jaded viewer hero Jean Claude Van Damme. This list was little harder to compile from Arnold's because, well JCVD baddies are not as memorable as Ahnuld's.

Also there is the fact that I am biased for theatrical JCVD films compared to straight to DVD JCVD. But I pushed onward and came up with the list below. Each of these uber villains are defeated in a climactic battle of spinkicks, punches and HGH fueled mega battles which makes all these super evil doers much more memorable.

On to the list!

Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme Movies


10.) Bison

From: Street Fighter

Van Damme played Guile as we know and it's hard to take him seriously playing the Joe with his UN centric accent.

But the late Raul Julia, complete in the video game Bison costume is pretty hilarious as the meglomaniacal Bison. He spews out awful dialogue and gets his ass whupped by the scissor spinkicks of Guile.

Remember this is the movie where the hot Aussie singer Kylie Minogue plays Cammy!

Check out the final battle scene.



9.) Garrotte

From: Replicant

JCVD has made alot of movies where he plays an evil or asshole version of himself. So you have to rank Garrotte, a serial killer with Ray Ban sunglasses, long hair and a leather coat as the greatest "twin" JCVD has played as a villain. Garrotte kills women and kids and sets them on fire. Damn.

Replicant was the first of many STV Van Damme flicks and it's an actual good film.

The final battle scene as the replicant battles his original evil self is awesome.

Check out the final battle scene.


8.) Senator Aaron McComb

From: Timecop

Ahh the evil politician. The senator goes to great lengths to manipulate the space/time continuum so he can become President of the US. Sen. McComb bribes and kills and manipulates everybody in the Time Enforcement Commission but when he threatens Sloane, that's when Max Walker draws the line.

His death is by far one of the best in any JCVD films as Walker tells the Senator:

"Same matter can't occupy same space"

See the result by heading here. (3:48 in)


7.) Emil Fouchon

From: Hard Target

Should Emil Fouchon be ranked higher? Maybe. He's more eviler than many of the others on this list as he kills homeless war veterans for sport. He even looks cooler with doves flying and in double gun wielding slo mo action scenes.

He's a downright, evil douchebag but thanks to Chance, he doesn't stand a -...I was about to make a bad pun. Sorry.

"Hunting season is over"

Check out all the action scenes here.




6.) Himself

From: JCVD

Ahh yes. The old WTF spot on this list. I threw a curveball with this one right?

Well in JCVD he recites a solid 7 min speech about his utter self destruction from women, drugs and his character. This results in his outcast from the Hollywood system and the rise of straight to DVD, filmed in Bulgaria Van Damme.

And you can't deny the fact that he, himself was his biggest enemy in JCVD. Not the bank robbers or the media or the cops.

Check out the monologue here.


5.) The Sandman

From: Death Warrant

A psycho if there ever was one. He is the muscle behind the illegal human organ harvesting at one Harrison Penitentiary.

"Welcome to hell!"

Though its hard to believe the other prisoners just allowed him to leave after killing the Sandman.

The final battle scene is awesome.

4.) Cynthia/Atilla

From: Lionheart

Well it's a co #4 on this one. Cynthia is the evil bitch behind the illegal human fighting tournaments and Atilla is the ringer they bring in to take down Lionheart.

We're an equal opportunity villain lister here at the jaded viewer, so Cynthia's evil multi millionaire human cock fighting investment can't be ignored.

Because Leo couldn't "choke a bitch", he had to go all spinkicky on Atila on a tennis court.

See the end right here.


3.) Andrew Scott/GR13

From: Universal Soldier

You knew Dolph was gonna be on this list. And as Andrew Scott aka GR13, he's one of the most sympathetic characters as shit, he's fuckin dead and got reanimated.

But then he goes all postal and and seeks retribution.

Soldiers who go all rampagy get ranked high here and as he's a professional soldier with high tech weaponry, he's more bad ass than anybody on this list.

"Are we having fun yet?"

Check out the trailer.



2.) Tong Po

From: Kickboxer

Tong Po goes for the movie juggular as he paralyzes Kurt Sloane's brother Eric. Don't mess with fuckin family. Of course this leads to an awesome 80s training montage and a final epic, to the death fight scene. A couple of spinkicks later, Tong Po is knocked the fuck out.

But why is Tong Po ranked so high? Because he actually KILLED Kurt and Eric Sloane at the beginning of Kickboxer 2!!!!

(well off screen of course).

That fact alone jumps him to #2 as he technically won.

Watch the trailer.

1.) Chong Li

From: Bloodsport

Chong Li was the obvious choice for the #1 Van Damme villain. He threatens Dux, comatoses Ray Jackson, kills one of the fighter and *gasp* dishonors the Kokoruki elders and their traditions. And he fuckin cheats.

The resume speaks for himself.

And the final fight is an epic Van Damme action sequence for the ages. You just can't top it.

Chong Li is cocky, egotistical and brutal. What more do you want? And I think he played a North Korean.

Hey the brick didn't hit back but Dux made you say uncle. So there.

Here are the Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport.

This list has some good evil villains from Van Damme movies too but the rankings are way off in my opinion. But it includes a couple of characters I have left off.

Next up, sidekicks edition. Stay tuned!

Categories: bloodsport, JCVD, JCVD review, Jean Claude Van Damme, universal soldier 3, van damme

A Final Destination Friday Giveaway (EXTENDED!)

We are going to extend our first ever contest here at the jaded viewer. I think I will extend this until September 18th. I'll announce the winner on 9/21. This is to give everybody an opportunity to join in and have a chance to pick their number and win this DVD. Remember all you have to do is a pick a number from 1 to 500. That's it. Comment now!

CLICK HERE TO ENTER THE FINAL DESTINATION FRIDAY GIVEAWAY!!!

**UPDATE**
I meant to end this on 9/17 (Thursday) rather than 9/18. Oops my bad. Deadline is 9/17 at midnight! There is still time to enter!

Categories: 2008 horror dvd, final destination, final destination 3, free DVD, giveaway, horror giveaway, sweeps, sweepstakes, the final destination

Fight Smack in the Orphanage!!!

I received a press packet from an organization calling itself FSITO or Fight Smack in the Orphanage. Included in this packet of awesome stuff was:

• A letter detailing their goals and history
• That awesome t-shirt above
• 2 Fight Smack stickers
• An awesome syringe pen
• A Fight Smack in the Orphanage DVD with 3 different PSAs
  

FSITO is devoted to stopping smack and carrying out "smack-downs" in areas where there is a smack epidemic.

As their info page tells us:

In 1973, feminist writer/child advocate Gloria Grey published her seminal best-seller We Are A Gentle Angry People: The Rise of Orphan Smack Addiction in the Latter Half of the Twentieth Century. Though it was often filled with inaccuracies, misconceptions, factual errors, and plagiarized portions of unpublished Jacqueline Suzanne novels, it managed to catch of eye of community leader, Marion Barry - the godfather of the anti-Smack movement of the early 70s.

Though unlikely partners, Gray and Barry joined forces to lay the groundwork of what was to become Fight Smack in the Orphanage (FSITO) by organizing the first citywide “Smack-down” in Los Angeles in 1974. Later that year, with help from several government grants and the proceeds of Ms. Gray’s lucrative mail order macramé business, they opened the first FSITO Rehabilitation Center on Crenshaw Boulevard in L.A.
Over the next thirty years, more than one-hundred FSITO Centers opened their doors in locations all across the United States and Guam. These centers are no longer just places that kids can get clean, but symbols of hope that inspire the entire community. Some also offer Pilates.

Sadly, the battle is not over. There are still thousands of Smack-addicted orphans on the streets looking for their next fix.

FSITO refuses to give up. We know that with your help and support we can fight Smack and save the orphans.

See how this is affecting your local communicating by watching these PSAs.













Look at all these kids FSITO has helped! The people who have helped can tell you straight out it's changed their lives. Damn! That's some crazy shit!

Fuck health care! We gotta fight smack before all the kids are hooked by all those malevolent addicting drugs. Go here to help.


Because as the FSITO motto says: Because Orphans Don't Have Parents.














**WTF was that all about?**

If you haven't guessed it, FSITO is promo, viral happiness for Black Dynamite, the blaxploitation badass masterpiece that comes out October 16th. You can check out the trailer here. And more viral videos complete with a vintage Anaconda Malt Liquor ad as well.

Thanks to the PR people from Black Dynamite for sending these awesome promo materials.

I'll be posting more Black Dynamite viral shenanigans as we get em. Shut yo mouth!

**End WTF was that all about?**

Categories: black dynamite, black dynamite clip, black dynamite red band trailer, black dynamite trailer

Patient X (Teaser Trailer)

Filipino + Horror = Filipino horror?!?

Japan, Thailand, South Korea, Indonesia and Taiwan have all put their horror movies on the map. It's just amazing that this new generation of horror has come from a few small Asian countries in recent years. Their footprint for new extreme core horror and cultural horror has gotten noticed across the great Pacific. One country still hasn't caught up.

The Philippines does not have that reputation as of yet. However, Yam Laranas is hoping to change all that. He has already directed the box office smash Sigaw and the Hollywood remake The Echo.

The thing about Filipino horror is that it's mostly about ghosts and folklore. Most of the country actually believes in ghosts and mythical creatures. So their horror movies revolve around the sights and sounds of the unseen making carefully constructed, slow burn jump scare horror. You're not going to see torture porn coming out of these islands.

So Laranas's new movie, Patient X gets its story from the most infamous of Filipino legends the Aswang. The plot is below.

After twenty years, local police captures the murderer of the older brother of a young boy. Now a doctor, he must go back to his old town and face the murderers himself. He then discovers that the murderers are Aswangs (folkloric Filipino vampire-like creatures) and they pose a deadly threat not only to him but also for the entire town.

The teaser is below.





Thanks to Twitch and the official Yam Laranas blog for the info.

Categories: filipino horror, patient x, patient x teaser trailer

Black Devil Doll (DVD Review)

Black Devil Doll

Black Devil Doll (2009)

Directed by Jonathan Lewis
Written by Shawn Lewis/Mitch Mayes

As I've already reviewed the movie, this is a review of the DVD that comes out on October 27th.

To read my full review motherfucka go here.

Thanks to Shawn Lewis, the producer of Black Devil Doll for sending me an advanced copy, I can tell you that the DVD kicks motherfuckin ass.

First, don't pirate or torrent independent horror cinema DVDs like the opening cartoon says. Just don't ok?

Why? Because you will miss out on the DVD insulting you. Holy shit! I'm not shitting you. It said to get my lazy ass and press play. Fuckin brillant!

So what's in this motherfucker?

• You get the movie (unrated, uncut and uncensored)

Extras include the following:

• Black Devil Doll Commentary
• Cast Commentary (includes H. Murphy, N. Talonz, Precious Cox, E. Branick and Martin Boone)
• Crew Commentary (Director Shawn Lewis, Producer Shawn Lewis and cowriter Mitchell Mayes)
  
• Technical Commentary (DOP, Editor and Production Designer)
• Audience reaction track from the BDD premiere at the New Beverly in Hollwood, CA
  
• Fan Commentary (hardcore Black Devil Doll fans)
• Photo gallery includes production and publicity photos (set to some cheesy elevator music)
• Trailers
• Videos of the Hollywood premiere, convention clip intro and a Netherworld Videozine interview (which has a funny interview with the Black Devil Doll himself!)
  
• Awesome animation cartoons from the movie including "Obama meets the KKK"
  

Black Devil Doll Commentary

OMG. This is the first extra I decided to watch because shit! it's Black Devil Doll commentary. Hilarious. BDD talks about titties, makes fun of the cast and drinks heavily throughout the commentary. He also talks about every violation he did to his costar Heather Murphy and her "bleached asshole". WTF! HAHAHA!

He starts to bitch about not being paid by the producers but gets distracted easily by all the scenes. There's even some quips about Michael Jackson and stunt doubles. Lot of the awesome off color, insanely raunchy and funnytastic rants from the Black Devil Doll you'd expect. It's almost as good as the movie.

I haven't listened to all the commentaries but I except the Lewis Brothers and Osteen one to be quite hilarious as well.

Videos

Great video extras of the premiere and an interview with Netherworld Videozine with Netherworld Videozine's Glenn "Diablo" MacNeil. Just funny shit through and through.

Other Extras Shit

As I said before, all the little animations are awesome. Obama meets the KKK is a good chuckle as well as the pirate bootlegging one.

You also get a nice poster/booklet and an intro from Professor Julian Krantz, who describes the importance of the cultural impact and importance of "Black Devil Doll".

It's one great DVD that the whole family can enjoy. Black Devil Doll, so far is the best movie of 2009. It's everything you'd hope it could be, would be and more. And here's the best part. We are going to get a sequel. Black Devil Doll 2 is coming. You just have to look up at night and see the beauty of space and Uranus.

Here's the official PR release from the BDD official site.

You can FINALLY pre-order your Black Devil Doll DVD’s! Pre-Order now while the PRICE IS LOW! Only $18.95 each, 1st class shipping INCLUDED in the price!

The Black Devil Doll DVD’s will be shipping to you on October 20th 2009 first class mail! Credit Cards will not be charged until October 19th.

And the Black Devil Doll Soundtrack CD’s, Autographed Novels, Shirts, Posters, and other shit are ready for sale too! Get your ass to the site, click on SHOP ONLINE, and Order Now!

The official site: http://www.blackdevildoll.com

Other Newz:

-Be sure to pick up the latest issue of Rue Morgue Magazine. Issue number #93 features a great article on Black Devil Doll from The Gore-Met!

-Rotten Cotton was just updated! Order some new shirts so daddy can eat! Just click on NEWZ for the details: http://www.rottencotton.com

-Our partners in FILTH, Box Office Spectaculars, to release ‘SCUM OF THE EARTH’! Box Office Spectaculars is preparing a special edition DVD release of SCUM OF THE EARTH, the notorious redneck exploitation hit from cult horror director S.F. Brownrigg (DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT).
More details here: http://hardfeelings.wordpress.com/
The trailer here: http://www.grindhousereleasing.com/scum_tlr_lg.html

-Brawlin’ Broads 2 is coming soon! Make sure you check out http://www.theboonebrothers.com/ for their kick-ass weekly booze-fueled podcast and news on Brawlin’ Broads DVD’s!

-Please join our Facebook Group and follow us on Twitter!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=204426665572&ref=nf
http://twitter.com/blackdevildoll

Categories: black devil doll, black devil doll review, black devil doll trailer, black devil doll uncensored unrated trailer, blaxploitation, jonathan lewis, shawn lewis

The Horrror Continuum (Bored Edition)

It's always nice to start the 3 day weekend with a picture of Ms. Megan Fox. Admit it.
You're going to see Jennifer's Body. Not because of Diablo Cody and her Whedonesque like dialtribes, or because it's threatening to have gore and demon splatter. But Megan Fox gets naked in it.

C'mon now. We're paying $10-12 to see some top notch, grade boobage.

Same thing with Sorority Row. That story is utter crap but just the hint of nudity will get the jabronis and tweens into the megaplexes.

And did you see that Whiteout trailer with Kate Beckinsale? I definitely saw Kate Beckinsale in a gratuitous naked shower scene...in Antartica?

Face it. Sex sells and hell I'll pin up Fairuza Balk pictures as I please.

On to the continuum!

On the last episode of the jaded viewer....

Assassins vs Assassins vs a priest!

Lindy Booth is hawt! Check out the clip below from Wrong Turn where umm well she kinda dies.





5 Horror Movies that warped my fragile little mind

Insano Steve wants to here your fuckin opinion about his Top 10 Black Films of the 1990s!

..and finally all you need to do is a pick a number from 1 to 500 and you could win Final Destination 3!!!

The interweb.....

I found this Rue Morgue list of the supposed The Top 150 Most Violent Movies Ever!

10 Coolest Tarantino characters...really?

The guys who made Crank made Gamer...

I have a few more but I'm getting bored and tired. Got any good links? Comment and share with everyone.

Enjoy the 3 day weekend!

Categories: 10 Best Black Films Of The 1990s, 5 types of moviegoers who watch horror movies, fairuza balk, jennifer's body, lindy booth, megan fox, the horror continuum, the tournament official trailer

Black (Trailer)

As I eagerly wait for promo materials for Black Dynamite, I'm getting into a jive motherfucka mood by reading the novelization of Black Devil Doll (book review to come soon!) and by watching a French blaxploitation trailer called Black.

Yup. I did say French blaxploitation.

Directed by Pierre Laffargue and starring MC Jean Gab'1 (he was in District B-13) it's got all the elements of The Man, stolen diamonds and our star Black, who is one tough motherfucker.

Here be the plot.

When his Parisian armored car holdup goes horribly awry, our protagonist Black needs to go on the lam. News from his cousin in Senegal about a stash of uncut diamonds in a poorly guarded bank in Dakar hatches the plan to go on a working vacation that involves a little sightseeing and a lot of mayhem.

Check out the trailer below.

Categories: Black Caesar, black devil doll, black devil doll review, black dynamite, black dynamite clip, black dynamite red band trailer, black trailer, blaxploitation, french film

The Thread: Land vs Diary (...of the Dead)

With the pending release of Survival of the Dead, we will have now seen George A. Romero's version of the Star Wars trilogy, but with zombies. Nobody questions the original trilogy (Night, Dawn and Day) are the pinnacle by which all zombie movies are judged. Dawn alone is one of the best horror movies of all time. But what of this new trilogy? Do we horror fans turn into geeky fan boy bashers when it comes to Romero's new take on his creation?

Think about how this so closely resembles that "other" trilogy.

The new zombie movies had:

1.) Big name actors (more so in Land than in Diary)
2.) Tons of CGI effects (CGI zombies, gore and splatter)
3.) Gimmicky film device (SOV, hand held camera shakiness)
4.) Special effects and big budget excess (both flicks)
5.) Lots of references to the previous films (both flicks)

And Land (2005), Diary (2007) and Survival of (2009) have all come out 2 years after each other.

So let's get into the thread of the week. Which film did you like better or do you think was better? Which one sucked monkey balls?


Land of the Dead or Diary of the Dead?

Will Survival of the Dead be better or worse than these 2 previous films?

the jaded viewer says: OK, the hype Land of the Dead receive was insane back in 2005. I mean it was Romero's first zombie flick since Day. And though it had its flaws, I dug it. I dug the characters, the setting and the zombies. And the satire is in plain sight no matter how obvious. It's about classism, the rich vs the poor, the haves and the have-nots. The fact the status quo somehow remained intact in the middle of a post apocalyptic world.

My gripes for Diary of the Dead can be found in my review. To sum it up I had problems with the 1st person camera thingy, the characters sucked, lack of splatter and gore and the nerve of George to explain to me about what he was satirizing in a voiceover.

Winner: Land of the Dead!

OK now it's your turn. Which movie did you think was better? And what are your thoughts of Survival? Will it be better? worse? the same?

Categories: dawn of the dead remake, diary of the dead, george romero, land of the dead, the thread, zombies, zombies pov

Forgotten Horror Hottie: Fairuza Balk

Her Horror Resume: The Craft, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Masters of Horror: "Pick Me Up"

Other Notable Films: American History X, The Waterboy

The Jaded Viewer says: My first glimpse of Fairuza Balk was in The Craft. (A very forgettable witch gone awry movie that also starred Neve Campbell.) But her leathered up, Hot Topic, nose ringed gothy look was so super duper hot, I began to follow every movie she was in.

Unfortunately, she didn't make a lot of horror afterwards and instead ended up as a cat on the bad remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau and played Adam Sandler's Bayou girlfriend in the Waterboy. She did star in an episode of Masters of Horror as a super vixen hitchiker which was mega cool.

You'd think a hot girl with mesmerizing blue eyes, voluptuous, Angelina Jolie lips and a killer body would be in more shit. So while we wait for her next film, let's stare at the picures below.

That shirt is perfect

She's so punk rock

B/W photos make her look 100x hotter

A gothy wiccan whose nuts!

Categories: fairuza balk, forgotten horror hottie, the craft