Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives (Review)

Ticked-off Trannies with Knives

Ticked-off Trannies with Knives (2010)

Directed by Israel Luna

Well ain't that a title huh?

It's quite odd that I review a movie that coincides with certain coincidental current events. Recently at Rutgers University a man committed suicide after he was webcamed by his roommate having relations with another man.

Because of this there has been quite a news buzz on the plight of gay men and women who've been victimized by society at large. GLAAD and other groups have gotten more exposure because of these horrific events.

So its timely that Israel Luna's movie comes out during this climate. It's a pure revenge throwback circa the 70s and 80s that's quite literally over the top. The top of what? Who the hell knows?

During its run at the Tribeca Film Festival, it made waves with GLAAD protesting its portrayal of its transgender vixens. I'll be the first to admit, I have no idea why they thought so after watching the movie. Of course I'm not gonna think every "tranny" is a knife wielding, man hating diva. But you'd think from the backlash, that's what GLAAD thinks will happen.

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives is glamorized exploitation trash with a "Hey Girl" attitude. It's a little catty at times (probably had jokes I didn't get) and its only until the last 20 minutes do we get the title being accurately portrayed. But exploitation comes in all forms and this one is as odd as it comes.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Revenge takes balls, and no one knows it better than the ladies of "Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives", Israel Luna's over-the-top tale of sisterhood and cold-blooded, high-heeled vengeance. When the innocent and likable Bubbles Cliquot shows up for her nightly stage performance with a black eye, her transgender sisters suspect foul play from her latest boy toy.

In an attempt to get Bubbles back to her bubbly self, the girls take her out for a relaxed night of cocktails at a local gay bar. After a few drinks, the ladies' troubles seem far away, and Bubble's friends Emma Grashun and Rachel Slurr convince her to join them for a triple date with a pair of charming boys. Sadly, not even three tough-as-nails vixens could be prepared for the ambush that comes next. It turns out the blind date is set up by Boner, the baseball-bat-wielding, tranny-hating rapist who gave Bubbles her shiner.

After luring them into an abandoned warehouse, Boner and his two beefy minions unleash all their hatred on the unsuspecting ladies, leaving them bashed and bruised, but not broken. After waking from her coma, Bubbles enlists the aid of her friends- the sharp-tongued Rachel and the fiercely protective Pinky La'Trimm - to bring her attackers to bloody justice. The ladies get in touch with their inner Zen before arming up with an assortment of bladed weapons and dressing in their finest dominatrix gear (if their knives don't kill, their looks surely will). Not even a man as psychotic as Boner could imagine the well crafted and ingeniously planned bloodbath that ensues.

The moral of the story: Hell hath no fury like a tranny scorned.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Holy trannies that's a hellalong synopsis. Obviously the flick follows the same formula as the rape revenge flicks you've all seen before. Girl meet guy, guy hurts girl, girl recruits her crew equipped with knives to kill guy. Nothing new here.

But let me say this. Most of America is not familiar with transgender people and I am part of this group. I've never seen "trannies" on the big screen before and oddly it was a little mesmerizing. Was this common in the 70s during the Times Square days?

With all due respect, I am totally ignorant of the transgender world. Men dressed as women? I wasn't sure if I was getting the jokes as I watched. Nutshelling the flick it went like this:

• First 30....Getting to know your trannies
• Next 30....Homophobic, racist alpha males fuck up the trannies
• Final 30....Trannies fuck up Homophobic, racist alpha males

The blending of the movie had some grindhousey moments. The movie had missing reels, staticky static and a few disclaimers. It makes the movie feel grimey Times Square-ish and Israel Luna definitely did his homework to give it that feel.

The torture and the revenge are amped up with low budget gore and splatter. Full knife arsenals are on display as are the most diva like outfits worn by our revenge bent heroines.The ending is clever, oozing of irony and mucho sexual innuendo.

I can't say I uber dug the film but it did keep me slightly entertained. The cast is a little amateurish at times with Krystal Summers as Bubbles having the bulk of the one-liners and screen time. The movie drags at times filled with quirky one liners which I found un-funny and the montagy Mr. Miyagi interlude seemed out of place. Sometime the movie would play as straightforward revenge and then go straight into camp. It was a pure tone pacing weirdness.

But Kelexis Davenport as Pinky La Trimm a hulky black mama has gotta be the standout. How far these characters are from real life transgender Americans, I do not know. But stereotypical characters steroided up are always fun to watch no matter what orientation, race or gender you are.

So should you slice and dice your way to seeing Ticked-Off Trannies? It's got a few WTF moments in that anti-political correctness sorta way. Back in the 70s, nobody fuckin cared out what the hell was on the screen. Africans were portrayed as savages, Asians as tribal and cannibals and rednecks were portrayed as well.... rednecks.

What Trannies does is fuel the exploitation fire of making you view a world you'd never thought you'd ever see. Throw in some cleavage and gore and a few WTF moments it'll have you smiling at the end. I mean this isn't Boys Don't Cry or Brokeback Mountain here. Jeez.

I mean honestly who can really get a message out of a movie with a title like that?


Gore-ipedia

Knife trauma
Slice and Dice

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Umm trannies with knives?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The film was shot entirely in Dallas/FT Worth and Austin, Texas.

The movie will be in theaters in both NYC (starting 10/15) and LA (starting 10/22. It comes out on DVD 11/9. Here's the info on the LA screening.

OPENS OCT. 22, 2010
LAEMMLE'S SUNSET 5 THEATRE
8000 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, California 90046
(323) 848-3500
TRT: 90 minutes

Purchase tickets at: http://www.laemmle.com/viewtheatre.php?thid=2

Rating:


Check out the trailer below!

Categories: 70s grindhouse movies, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, independent cinema, indepentent horror, rape, rape and revenge films

Black Dynamite: Animated Series (First Look Pictures)

"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only matched by your zest of kung-fu treachery"

With lines like that, it was no doubt Black Dynamite got 4 out of 4 spinkicks. But I didn't know we'd see our Black as Spades hero again until recently. Then Scott Sanders dropped me a line to let me know that the new animated Black Dynamite series is coming to Adult Swim in 2011. Kick ass!

Sure we're going to see a toned down version of our hero but Black Dynamite fits in perfectly. Here's some of the vitals.

First from the comic book.

Released by indie publisher Ape Entertainment with a story by Michael Jai White, Byron Minns, and myself, the one-shot Black Dynamite: Slave Island follows our hero as he seeks to put an end to a mysterious island… where an insidious 19th century legacy of The Man still exists.

Info about the animated series.

As well, we are hard at work on Black Dynamite: The Animated Series for [adult swim]. The show is Executive Produced by Carl Jones (The Boondocks) and will take BLACK DYNAMITE to a new level.

The first stop to see exclusive pictures, comics and footage? New York Comic Con. Here's the screening info.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Screening of BLACK DYNAMITE
Saturday, October 9
8:00 PM
Hosted by Ape Entertainment and Ars Nova

BLACK DYNAMITE Panel
Saturday, October 9
Immediately preceding the BLACK DYNAMITE Screening

Featuring Scott Sanders, Adrian Younge and Andre Torres (Wax Poetics)

**SNEAK PEEK**: First look at clips from the upcoming Black Dynamite: The Animated Series on [adult swim]

All attendees will receive their very own Black Dynamite: Slave Island preview book, written by Brian Ash (The Boondocks), with inks by Jun LoFamia and featuring a special edition sketch cover by Ed Laroche.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now check out these exclusive pictures from the new animated series! Fight Smack in the Orphanage!

Categories: adult swim, black dynamite, black dynamite review, black dynamite trailer, blaxploitation

NYC Haunted House - Nightmare: Superstitions (Review)

October is the time everyone gets into the world of horror. With Halloween cementing the end of the month, the orange and black will be draped in every corner store with the goal of making you buy bags of Snicker bars. Before you stuff yourself with chocolate munchies, you should get your scare on. If you live in the city or in the tri-state area or even if you are a tourist visiting, NYC has plenty of scare to get you into the Halloween mood.

One of the best haunted houses in America is Tim Haskell's Nightmare which is located in Greenwich Village. This year's edition: Superstitions. Can you overcome your fear of broken mirrors, sidewalk cracks, opening up umbrella indoors and others? As I wrote in my initial post, I find these all intriguing. I finally got a chance to visit Nightmare: Superstitions and having been to last year's entitled Nightmare: Vampires, I have to say, this year's version is bigger, badder and way more fun.

Nightmare: Superstitions is an interactive experience full of pure, unrelenting dementia. You will come away feeling like you have racked up a million years of bad luck, but had fun doing it.

For me, that's the whole point of Halloween. You're suppose to dress up and NOT be you for the night. With Nightmare: Superstitions, you will be forced to break those ingrained beliefs and myths you've dreaded since childhood. It's not as easy as you think.

With all haunted house reviews, I don't want to give anything away that might take away from the experience. A haunted house scares should be spontaneous and shocking. But if your reading this, I'll try to give you some of the things to expect.

The Disclaimer.....

Even the most hardened alpha male and the gothiest goth chick will have a great time at Nightmare: Superstitions. It's an equal opportunity scare-o-thon. I went with my 2 female cousins and my cousin's husband and what I noticed is we Gen X-ers don't get easily scared these days. Sure, we jump at the unseen actor who sneaks up on you Ninja style but as a jaded viewer we have become desensitized to the scare game.

That's not to say I didn't get scared as my family did. But because I had attended last year's version, I had a Nostradamus psychic ability to know where the scares would come from. But rookies beware, if this is your first haunted house and your first Nightmare, the actors seem to have a 6th sense of who are the noobs and who are the veterans.

Generation Y and Z are prime fodder and the performers know it. They smell the fear and ghost a scream when you least expect it but they will go after the manliest man as they do the tweeniest girl. The scare factor is amped up 10 fold from last year and I saw it in the faces of my cousins and hilariously from the strangers in my tour group. The scares became the least of my concern as my main objective was to see the stellar performances of these actors as well as the stunning sets they had created this year.

The Story.....

The thing that separates Nightmare from other haunted houses is they're not there to just scare you, they want you to actively participate in the story. This year's edition takes full advantage of the superstitions theme. After starting off in a "Funhouse" with the scariest clowns and filled with Gullermo Del Toro inspired creatures, you step into the Bloomingdale Mental Center where according to our head nurse, the mental patients have voluntarily admitted themselves because they broke a superstition.

Your job as a visitor to this insane asylum is to break these superstitions and suffer the consequences so they can be free of their endless torture.

Each room you entered had a crazed maniac and a superstition to be broken. The LOL part is nobody knows who in the group will have the honor of breaking the superstition. Sometimes it's thrusted upon you, other times you could volunteer. Sure, seeing somebody else open an umbrella indoors, you get an uneasy feeling but when you actually do it yourself, it's a little different.

I am a little superstitious but I was willing to break every one I encountered. The two I participated in was the old backward chopsticks folklore and reciting "Bloody Mary" 3 times in a mirror. The latter was quite fun.

You will need to walk under ladders, step on cracks and encounter rabbits. Mind you these are all done in an hyper surreal horror-core sorta way. These aren't your grandma's superstitions. They're introduced to you with vigor and insanity by the performers.

One room we encountered was the most talked about after the tour. I won't give anything away but it gives new meaning to birthday.

The Performers....

The actors are again top notch this year. Playing mental patients has gotta be tons of fun and they really do seem to give it their all. I can empathize they have to do this every 10 minutes but it seems the energy is there. Hell, one day I might give it a try.

From hot Haley Quinn like loonies to some gore-tastic mental dudes, they engage each of the people in the group and make sure to get the most vulnerable their just due. It's these little things that make Nightmare: Superstitions fun. The actors make you feel like you're part of a warped ARG (alternate reality game) and to me, I totally dug this. I felt like I was in a interactive live action video game, one where you had to perform a task in order to get to the next level.

The actors will make sure you get to the next level, but make you overcome these taboo superstitions in order to do so.

The Sets.....

As always, I was impressed by the sets with the funhouse intro being as bizarre as advertised. The attention to detail is very impressive as well. If you go, make sure you look around each room and just appreciate the level of design and effort that was involved. Little in-jokes and ha ha's are everywhere if you look hard enough.

Pay attention to signs and pictures and even the floor for the little things that make you feel like your at the most f*cked up crazy house you've ever been in. One of the rooms was so disorienting I walked right into a mirror! The design is almost integral as the actors are. And you never know, that motionless set piece might not be motionless as you think.

The Scares......

Scary is an almost relative term. Hardcore vets can sense where the scare will come from but you still are put on edge when you go through each room. That's the most exhilarating part of any haunted house...who goes into the room first. Standing in the center sucks. In order to get the full effect of a scare...you have to set yourself up for it.

Witnessing other people jump out of their socks is funny. But if you get scared, it's that feeling of "BOO!" that gets the heart pumping and the adrenaline jacked. It's not everyday you get the fear emotion on overdrive.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Thoughts.......

My cousins all agreed as did I. They had fun in the 30-40 minutes experience of Nightmare: Superstitions. I brought them this year because I realized everybody should experience this once. Old or young, Halloween is nostalgia for all of us and the haunted house is a staple to all that is uber fun about the holiday.

Tim Haskell has proved again that digging deep into our common mythos and fears is what will scare us the most. Now I gotta flip a coin. I hope it comes up heads.

Vitals

NIGHTMARE: SUPERSTITIONS is located at NOHO Event Center, 623 Broadway at Houston (enter on Mercer Street). Tickets cost $30 in advance and $35 at the door. VIP tickets are $60 and a Super VIP is $100.

Be sure to follow @NightmareNYC on Twitter and check out the official Facebook page for inside deals and discounts.

Also check out Tim Haskell's blog @ IScareYou.com

If you've been to Nightmare: Superstitions, share your experience, good or bad by leaving a comment.

Categories: haunted house, nightmare superstitions, nyc haunted house, superstitions

A Jaded Viewer Experiment: Share a Picture of your local movie theater!

That's my local theater. I'm not kidding. The movie theater I most go to is the AMC 25 in Times Square. I actually didn't take the picture above but it's such a better picture than something I could take.

But after going to Austin, TX and seeing the exterior of the Alamo Drafthouse I got intrigued of what everybody else's movie theaters look like. Sure we all don't live in a city and some of us live all over the world, I figured it'd be nice to share pictures of what your local movie theater looked like.

Is it a Loews? AMC? Regal? Is it located in a mall? A suburban parking lot? Or is it a mom and pop operation?

More so, what do the movie theaters look like in Europe specifically in England and France. I know I have some UK jaded viewers out there. Are your movie theaters owned by megaconglomerate corporations like in good ole America? How about in Australia or Japan? What does a Chinese or Filipino movie theater look like?

I'm also a little curious as to what kind of food you all have in different countries. The typical American movie cuisine consists of over sized popcorn, nachos grande and Raisinets...yes this is why we're totally fuckin fat.

Do they serve sushi in a Japanese movie theater? Wine in France? Please excuse my ignorance...I seriously am dumb about this shit.

So here's the experiment. Take a picture of your movie theater (exterior or interior...or whatever you want) and send it to me by either:

• E-mailing me at jadedviewers at yahoo dot com (I'll make another post of all the pics from all the one's I received)
  
• Sharing your picture on the jaded viewer Facebook page
• Tweeting me a pic of your movie theater (and I'll retweet to the rest of the jaded viewer followers) @jadedviewer
• Leaving a comment on this post to a place where you uploaded your pic

I'll try to gather everybody's pictures and organize it into something interesting to check out. I'm looking forward to what you all send in. And I will actually take a picture of a few local movie theaters around me and let you know what the movie theaters in NYC look like.

It's not as cool as you think.

Categories: jaded viewer productions, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, movie theater experience, the jaded viewer

The 5 Hottest Actresses named "Jaime" in Entertainment

Sometimes you gotta break the monotony of horror-core posts with a feature that puts a smile on every alpha male's face (sorry girls, I'm pandering to my skewed male demographic). So after watching the 2MM plus YouTube views of a certain body wash "balls" commercial, I realized there were a lot of hotties with the first name Jaime or Jamie. You wouldn't think off hand there would be, but compiling 5 actresses or models was pretty easy.

So I've listed a Top 5 of the hottest actresses with that name in entertainment. No no, no need to thank me. I'm here to to put what all you red blooded male Americans are all thinking on the interwebs.

Onwards to the list!

5.) Jamie-Lyn Sigler

Where you've seen her: Meadow Soprano is all grown up but still can't park correctly. Let's forgive her for that already ok?



4.) Jaime Bergman

Where you've seen her: I remember seeing Jaime Bergman on an episode of Angel (where she met her now husband David Boreanaz) but she's been a Playboy Playmate and has had a variety of appearances on TV and movies.


3.) Jamie Chung

Where you've seen her: Former MTV Real World reality star, Jamie Chung is now infiltrating Hollywood with her Asian hotness. She was in Samurai Girl and Dragonball Evolution and now will star in Sucker Punch and Premium Rush.


2.) Jaime King

Where you've seen her: Horror wise, she was in My Bloody Valentine 3D (not looking smokin hot), They Wait and stars in the remake of Mother's Day. She's also been in tons of TV shows, Sin City and a new TV show called My Generation.

1.) Jaime Pressly

Where you've seen her: If you haven't seen a naked picture of Jaime Pressly, you're not looking hard enough. She starred in a string of Skinemax flicks and teen comedies before making it big in hits like My Name is Earl and that Axe commercial I was talking about. Now she plays the hottest white trash characters I've ever seen.

Jaime Pressly is the obvious #1 bar none.

*********************************

Did I miss any others? Maybe, so if you wanna chime in on a few other Jaimes, let me know. I think the next version will be hottest "Jena's". I've got a few names on that one too.

Categories: beautiful women, gratuitous nudity, horror hotties, jaime chung, jaime king, jaime king naked, jaime king shower scene, jaime pressly, naked women, nudity

Your Random Jean Claude Van Damme Movie Update

From time to time, I like to check in on the man who makes up the jaded viewer's rating system. Sure he turned down The Expendables but JCVD who last appeared in the aptly titled JCVD and Universal Soldier: Regeneration is still making movies....in Europe.

But after checking IMDB, its nice to see JCVD is making a new movie with Scott Adkins called Weapon (they actually fought one on one in The Shepherd: Border Patrol). Adkins is an action talent with serious awesome fight skills (think Van Damme circa Bloodsport).

So what's this about?

Rival assassins Jean Claude Van Damme & Scott Adkins — each of whom are masters of their respective weapons — form an uneasy alliance in their mission to take down a DEA-backed drug cartel.

Ahhhhhhhhh. Damn those DEA backed drug cartels! I wonder what JCVD's master weapon is. Ninja stars? Katana? Whip? AK47? Breadsticks?

Weapon is going to be a family affair as JCVD's daughter Bianca and his son Kristopher also star. A Facebook page for the movie has appeared as well some behind the scene photos. Sure I'm a little psyched but I'm not holding my breath. The Eagle Path STILL hasn't come out yet (this is the film he made when he turned down The Expendables...sigh)

I mean how hard is it to get distribution when he already has a built in audience? Could it be his fanbase has diminished? Are Van Damme fans watching MMA fights instead? Could it be that Insano Steve and I the only Van Damme fans left in the world?

Hello?
Anybody else a Van Damme fan?
Hello?
Bueller?

Categories: action cinema, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, scott adkins, van damme

The Sky Has Fallen (Review)

The Sky Has Fallen

The Sky Has Fallen (2009)

Directed by Doug Roos

Indie horror is where ingenuity and creativity still lives. What filmmakers have to do when they have a limited budget is quite amazing. Think Sam Raimi with Evil Dead.

Doug Roos makes the most out of what he's got with The Sky Has Fallen. A simple wilderness setting, practical makeup and splatter effects, 2 main characters and a boatload of dialogue.

It's a testament to the indie spirit of making YOUR movie the way you want which is what Doug Roos and his team did. As for the movie, it is what it is as well.

The Sky Has Fallen is post apocalyptic, diseased ravaged mutant zombie movie with elements of The Road and Versus thrown in. It reminded me of Ink, a childhood fantasy movie come to life with its HD-ishiness and its dreamy special effects. But at the end of the day, it suffers from the limitations of being low budget. Everything I mentioned from the boring woods to the heavy dialogue makes it at times a yawnfest.

But the back to basics effects are a saving grace and the ambition to make a different kind of zombie movie makes The Sky Has Fallen something interesting to watch.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Within a couple of hours, a new disease wipes out almost all of mankind. Trying to avoid infection, people flee to remote locations, but they start seeing mysterious black figures, carrying away the dead and experimenting on them. Now, Lance and Rachel, two survivors determined to fight back, must kill the leader of these creatures before the rest of humanity disappears.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The first thing you'll notice is the movie is shot in tight closeups. As Roos mentions on the special features of the DVD, it's done this way because wider shots didn't come out all too well. But I have to argue we need a few long shots when watching a film because even the casual viewer gets vertigo watching something close up as our eyes are just not use to watching close ups all the time.

Our main protags, Lance and Rachel have suffered horrific hardships as this disease has ravaged mankind. Seems we don't just get no eyes no mouth zombies, we also get mutated, black cloaked demon like creatures as the disease evolves. As Lance and Rachel go all Fellowship of the Ring determined to kill the leader of this new mutation, they encounter other survivors including a priest and a dad and his kids.

However, the encounters all are with the black cloaked figures, zombie creatures and the leader who now invades their dreams. The movie seems like it's more of a horror fantasy rather than a straight "according to Hoyle" zombie film. Evolving demons are the main adversary and they are on a mission to make all of humanity suffer.

Most of the scenes are conversations between Lance and Rachel discussing a variety of their past lives and the budding romance between the 2. The 2 actors do a good job with their performances but the dialogue could have been more interesting. If it had, I'd have praised it for being better than your run of the mill zombie movie. But it's unfortunately not.

But the breakthrough performance here is the effects. The zombie makeup is quite extraordinary as closeups of the horde are so disgustingly awesome. Sure you get your blood splatter on a tree effect, (it's the most reliable camera trick). Top notch makeup and effects here.

The action scenes are all tight shots of gun shot penetration and slice and dice woundage. Splatter and gore are shown sporadically. It's a good effect but I got kind of bored by it. I don't need tons of splatter even in zombie movie. A couple of wide shots I believe could have worked here.

I know this is a big gripe but 70% of the movie is done with tight shots and closeups and it gave me a headache. I'm sure there was a way to shoot it with a few wider shots without it looking cheap.

Overall, the movie has a few interesting moments and does keep you guessing in its 70 minute run time. You sense Doug Roos had a complete vision in his mind but due to the challenge of low budget film making, he had to shoot and compromise with what he needed to do instead of what he wanted to do.

I've seen worse post apocalyptic zombie movies and I've seen better. The Sky Has Fallen is ambition meets reality. Sometimes reality wins.

Gore-ipedia

Close up splatter (inc. sword trauma and gun shots)

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

The makeup effects

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Sky Has Fallen has won many awards and needs your help in getting distribution and marketing. You can go to the links below to support the film.

• The Official Site
• Blood Sprayer Support Page

Rating:
Check out the trailer below!

Categories: indepentent horror, indie film, indie horror, low budget horror, zombies

Rare Exports (The Full Short Films and Trailer)

By now, you've probably seen the trailer for the upcoming film Rare Exports. I've posted it below if you missed it. Suffice it to say, this is a Christmas tale with a very unique spin that put a smile to my face.

What you may not know (hell I didn't know and both the shorts below went crazy viral years ago) is Jalmari Helander (who hails from Finland) actually made an 8 minute and 11 minute short before he made this movie. Done in a documentary style National Geographic video, its your intro into this world of this rare and exclusive Christmas import.

Sure, we may be over 3 months away from Christmas, but you can never not be in the mood for some holiday cheer. Check out the shorts below.

"The Hunt"




"Safety Instructions"




Well this year, we'll see a full movie on these shorts. From the reviews its getting, everybody thinks its awesome. I can't believe I totally missed these hilarious yet poignant shorts from 2003 and 2005. I'm glad I'm now caught up because Rare Exports is going to be one of the most classic, inventive and LOL awesome films to come out of Europe.

Check out the fully extended trailer for the upcoming movie below.



What are your thoughts on the shorts and upcoming movie? Let me know!

Categories: christmas, independent cinema, santa claus, short, short film, the shortround

Hello fellow interweber! You've reached the jaded viewer's "About Me" page !

You've been Dim Maked!!!

Welcome to my About Me page fellow time traveler! I figured I should write one as I use a very old Blogger template as you can see and can't actually make pages using the new Blogger. One day I'll redesign the entire blog, but for now it is what it is.

Being the lazy fuck I am, I'm going to just repost the Mr. Horrorblogosphere entry I wrote for Zombies DON'T Run. That entry sums up everything I wanted to say about me and the site. So here be a Q&A you can enjoy between the jaded viewer and the jaded viewer. Why you would want to read this is beyond me.

Sorry no pictures you crazy stalkers.

Q: Who the fuck is the jaded viewer?

A: The simple answer is I'm Jeff and I'm from NYC and I dig the bosoms and the horror genre. The complicated answer is I'm the jaded viewer, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.

The jaded viewer, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless in a world of criminals who operate above the law. When I'm not battling my bizarro self, I work a steady Internet related job, enjoy the perks of living in the greatest city in the world and eat mucho nachos.

Q: What are some of your favorite horror films?

A: My favorite horror film of all time is Romero's Dawn of the Dead because you know that one has zombies. I also have an international tint and dig the Takashi Miike (Ichi the Killer is stellar) and the arterial spraying gorefests of Japan. I respect the classics (Exorcist, The Shining, etc) but I adore the original NOES, Carpenter's Halloween and Friday the 13th Part 3 (yes part 3). Recent favorites have slanted French but Hatchet, The Descent and Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon have been standouts.

Q: What are some of your least favorite horror films?

A: I can't stand the remakes of almost anything Hollywood puts out. That's not to say I won't see them, but I dislike the fact they think they can nostalgia me to spend $10 in a theater to see something I can Netflix.

Q: Blogging can be fun as well as drama filled, so why do you keep doing it?

A: I keep asking the same question. I started the blog for a way for others to see the LOL reviews by Insano Steve and I. It's evolved into a place where I can hopefully give a few ha ha's to some like minded minions who enjoy the horror. You may not see it, but I get a happy when somebody comments on something I wrote and it makes them think, laugh or makes them fuming mad. A great philosopher once said and I quote:

"The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."

I couldn't agree more.

Q: Who's your favorite female lead in horror and why?

A: I'm going to go with Rose McGowan with Eliza Dushku a close second. Why Rose McGowan? Well #1, she's like uber hot in that Suicide Girls sorta way. She hasn't been in many horror movies, but her role in Planet Terror was bar none super duper awesome. She also played awesome victim fodder in Scream and was a top notch nihilist in Doom Generation. I got this wrong didn't I?

Q: What do you look for in a woman? Is liking horror movies required?

A: The first thing I look for is their feet. No, I don't have a Tarantino like feet fetish, I look at what kind of shoes a girl is wearing. I dig a girl who can sport some Chuck Taylors and look good in them. Sure, I'd like a woman who isn't squeamish when watching defenseless teens get slaughtered by a masked unstoppable killer but its not a requirement. If you can hold a conversation, talk like Diablo Cody or Joss Whedon it doesn't matter if you look like Buffy or Willow (but she has to love the Whedon).

Q: Who is your biggest inspiration?

A: Sure, you'd like me to say its my parents, another blogger, a famous movie director or some horror movie that imprinted the horror on me. But I'd have to go with my local video store in the neighborhood I grew up in. Thank you bored and indifferent video store clerk for renting R rated horror movies to young tween me. If it were not for his blatant disregard of store policy, I would never have gotten my horror fix at an impressionable young age.

But I get my inspiration from most of the horror blogosphere (just can't name one site) as all these bloggers know the pulse of the horror universe.

Q: How would you best describe your blog?

A: The Jaded Viewer is a spinkick into the world of horror, splatter, cult, grindhouse, indie and exploitation films.You'll get funny reviews, WTF Lists, lists of pure randomness, horror hotties, profiles of indie shorts,community threads and possibly some trailers you haven't seen yet. Did I mention my rating system is based on Van Damme spinkicks? Also, I have a running joke where if a quote from a review I’ve written appears on the back of a DVD box, I will immediately terminate the blog.

If you want to send me gifts, screeners or M&Ms, you can reach me at jadedviewers at yahoo dot com

Look I even won some awards from the blogosphere!

Awards-O-Matic

Categories: jaded viewer productions, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Haunted House NYC: Nightmare: Superstitions Opens September 24th!

*****UPDATE*****

Read My Full Review of Nightmare Superstitions!

Sure it's over a month away from Halloween, but that doesn't mean you can't get your scare on. Because NYC's best haunted house is planning on making you feel really uncomfortable as you break every superstition you hold dear in Timothy Haskell's latest incarnation of his Nightmare series of live action haunted houses.

This year, it's Nightmare: Superstitions.

So what's this one about? Let's go straight to the official site.

Visitors to NIGHTMARE: SUPERSTITIONS enter a surreal insane asylum. The patients have voluntarily admitted themselves, seeking protection from the danger they perceive is awaiting them because they broke a superstition. They feel they’re safe behind padded walls, and that they can be set free if NIGHTMARE patrons break these superstitions and accept bad luck themselves. They have to…it's the only way out!

FUN HOUSE, a smaller, equally demented haunted attraction, is the second component of this year’s NIGHTMARE. Here, the inmates are truly running the asylum in a twisted carnival-style event that visitors walk through before they experience the main attraction.

NIGHTMARE: SUPERSTITIONS runs from September 24 through November 6.

Yes, it’s scary.

As you know, I went to last year's version which was about Vampires and I had an awesome time describing it as follows:

"An uber sensory overload that heightens your hearing, vision, smell, touch and taste. You will scream, shout, laugh and be utterly mesmerized. Believe me, it's not for the faint of heart."

I can't wait to see what's in store for this year. So what are the superstitions you'll have to face beside the insane mental patients scaring the bejesus out of you? Well Tim Haskell has revealed all 13 in the video below.





Think you can endure these superstitions? Care to challenge these curses? Brave enough to challenge these myths? Well here is your first one. Click on the video below!





So what superstitions are you scared of the most? Do you really believe in any? Could you endure 13 of em?

If you're in the NYC area, I think we all might have to try our luck. Nightmare: Superstitions opens up this Friday, September 24th!

Check out the below for more information:

• The Official Site
• Facebook Page
• Twitter Page
• YouTube Page
  
• Tim Haskell's Blog: I Scare You
  

Categories: haunted house, nightmare vampires, nightmare vampires review, nyc haunted house, Scariest Movie Locales, superstitions

Who should be in the Action Hero Hall of Fame?

After watching The Expendables, I was disappointed in the fact that assembling a bunch of heavy duty action stars didn't just equal super uber awesomeness. We saw the "Big Three" in one scene for the first time. It's a given if there was an Action Star Hall of Fame, these 3 names would be the first ones inducted.

Arnold Schwarenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis have the stats, cred and films to make their induction a foregone conclusion. I'd even throw in posthumously Bruce Lee and maybe even Chuck Norris and Jet Li in there.

But as of today, who else could get the votes to join these guys?

Well, I'm going to put a poll in the right nav bar with the nominees below. You can go ahead and vote who you think should be in the HOF. But first here are 4 that can make a case for getting in.

I know there are probably some write in votes, so if you have somebody in mind leave em in the comments. Also, I'm not forgetting about our favorite action heroines. We'll get to that one at a later date.


1.) Jean Claude Van Damme

Why he should get in: Bloodsport is the pinnacle of full contact tournament movies. Throw in Univeral Soldier and one of my hidden gems Lionheart and he has a resume of uber action.

Best Movie: Bloodsport

Why he should NOT get in: Early success led to a later straight to dvd crapfest. Van Damme's insistence on "character action" has led to most of his movies ending up in the dollar bin and an absence from any American theatrical releases.


2.) Steven Seagal

Why he should get in: Seagal's 90s movies were "I beat em up and I don't even get hurt at all" slaughterfests. An American turned Japanese who seemed to create a new kind of action hero. He's stayed relevant with a few name flicks with the last being Machete.

Best Movie: Under Siege

Why he should NOT get in: Seagal also ended up in the dollar bin with bad straight to dvd snoozefests. Action stars usually get beaten up and redeem themselves at the end. Seagal never ever got a scratch on him. Where's the action in that?



3.) Will Smith

Why he should get in: The Fresh Prince is the most bankable Hollywood action star. His movies gross obscene amounts of money, he's got the humor, the brawn and the kick ass attitude.

Best Movie: Independence Day

Why he should NOT get in: He's tried to move away from the action cinema and gone towards more dramatic roles. His action resume is shorter than the others on this list.


4.) Jackie Chan

Why he should get in: He made the kung fu/comedy action movie popular again and took action scenes to another level. Nobody can duplicate these scenes of insane martial arts with funny ha ha's. Chan's action resume is insane.

Best Movie: Police Story

Why he should NOT get in: His first stint into American action cinema didn't go well and his latest movies have lacked the "oooomphh" of his early work. Those Rush Hour movies were kinda ugh no?

***************************************

OK, now it's your turn. I know you have others you want to nominate and you should. So go ahead and chime in. Who else should be on this list?

Now out of these random 4 action stars, who DESERVES to be in the Action Hero Hall of Fame with the other 3??? Oh BTW, explain why they should be in there.

[Cue gunfire into gas tank and big explosion]

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, arnold schwarenegger, Jean Claude Van Damme, sylvester stallone

From Black Devil Doll director Jonathan Lewis comes "The Black Box"! (Trailer)

I have my favorite indie horror directors and I usually keep track of what they're up to. But yesterday, I recently found out what Jonathan Lewis (director of Black Devil Doll) had been working on. Can you say a horror anthology movie?

With The Black Box, we are going to get 4 stories wrapped around a little boy watching his favorite horror TV show.

Here be the plot.

Eight year old Bobby is a strange boy. Between spying on his teenage sister's sexual exploits, and peeping at his prostitute mother in the nude. Bobby loves to watch the midnight horror shows. But when the host of Bobby's favorite horror show begins speaking to Him directly, and the people in his life dreadfully appear to him on television, the lines of reality and fiction start to blur!!

So what are the 4 mini flicks in The Black Box? See below.

• "Freddie and the Goblins" segment by Scott Dawson & David Sherbrook
• "Wax Off" segment by Buz Danger Wallick (starring Joe Pilato)
• "Thirsty" segment by Andrew Kasch (starring Tiffany Shepis, Joe Lynch andMichael Bailey Smith)
• "Mister Video"segment by Jonathan Lewis & Jerry Franck.

To check out a trailer or preview of the segments above, head over to the video section on the Facebook page for The Black Box.

Now that we got all that out of the way, you can finally check out the trailer below.



The big news is that THE BLACK BOX world premiere will take place at The New Beverly Cinema (that be in Los Angeles) on Friday night October 29th 2010 at Midnight!

You can buy tickets here.

I'll admit, I've watched the trailer a few times now and it looks bloody awesome. With Lewis teamed up with Infested Films, this horror anthology might make Creepshow look like a Disney film. Trick R Treat? That was so 2009.

The Black Box might make us all start talking to the TV.

For more info head over to the Facebook page and become a follower on Twitter!

Categories: anthology, black devil doll, exploitation, exploitation film, gore, grindhouse, indie horror, jonathan lewis, kung fu, splatter, the black box

Spring Break Massacre (Review)

Spring Break Massacre

Spring Break Massacre (2008)

Directed by Michael Hoffman

According to IMDB Trivia, Spring Break Massacre was filmed in only 6 days and with one camera.

Welcome to the world of low budget horror.

With the Hollywood reboot of Piranha 3D, not only has Hollywood tried to reboot grindhouse films, but they're even trying to bring back those 80s campy horror films. You know the ones...gratuitous nudity, ridiculous dialogue and tons of carnage and blood.

So it wasn't long that we'd see more 80s horror rebooted. With Spring Break Massacre, director Michael Hoffman reboots the slumber party/spring break genre , indie horror style. You have to give him credit, for a movie shot in 6 days, one camera, limited funds and a multi cast and crew, the movie came out looking pretty solid.

But it's still plagued by a hiccupy screenplay, flashbacks upon flashbacks and cameos that seem gratuitous as the nudity.

But aside from that, Spring Break Massacre loads up on everything you want from a movie that's called Spring Break Massacre. There's spring break, there is a massacre and their are tons of awesome top only nudity that puts a smile in every alpha male's face. Throw in some generic kills and you got a indie throwback that should make every horror fan sigh after paying $16 for some 3D flick.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A sleepover party during spring-break turns deadly for six beautiful sorority co-eds. Stanley Peterson, convicted serial killer, has escaped from maximum security prison. It's up to the college cuties to unravel the mystery of their assailant before the night is over.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If your reading this review, all you wanna know is the following:

• How much nudity is in the film?
• Are there any good scenes of splatter and gore?
• Does this movie have a crazy slasher or twist ending that makes you go WTF?
  

The quick answers are yes, yeah and yes on both. C'mon now don't stop reading just yet. Don't you want to know a little more?

First let me say the "spring break" in Spring Break Massacre is a little misleading. Sure it takes place during spring break but if you're thinking the beer and wet t-shirt contests from Piranha 3D, these aren't the boobies you're looking for. Instead we go from lakeside spring break montages in a small Illinois town to a horror slumber party genre flick in a few short scenes.

CAMEO-PALOOZA!

So when we're not hanging out with our oversexed, drugged up white coeds, we meet the local sheriff (Reggie Bannister from Phantasm) and his deputy Hendricks (Linnea Quigley). Part of every spring break/slumber party movie is to chill with the police and show how inept they are and we get that feeling from the cameos from our stars. My gripe here is we spend too much time with our local law enforcement. It's good to have the horror star power of the past, but short cameos work best.

I LOVE ME SOME BOOBIES

See? I knew you'd keep reading if I wrote that. Let's be real. Sometimes indie horror movies will not get the best looking actors and actresses. But Spring Break Massacre really felt like a real throwback. The guys look like jock-o-douchebags and the girls, wowsers. Holy fuckin hawtness. These girls were actually hot (aside from a pimple faced Asian and a chubby chubster). And they get totally nude (OK boobies nude but they are all real and spectacular)

You rarely see this in low low low budget horror (I'm thinking this isn't as low budget as I think it is). The standout is our lead Heather (Sarah Minnic) who is gives a Jaime Pressly like performance of hot blonde meets funny facial expressions. The other girls all follow your usual sorority stereotypes as we have: "the smoker", "the lesbian", "the hot brunette", "the other hot blonde" and "the virgin".

Before we can get to our kills, we get our campy camp humor. This is illustrated in a scene where the guys fantasize what the girls are doing at their girls only slumber party. These lead to dream sequences that were LOL. But we just don't get a few sporadic random boobage. Other scenes of aborted skinny dipping and a lesbian shower scene are added in. If there is one thing Spring Break Massacre did well, it was making sure gratuitous nudity was used gratuitously.

IS THAT A KNI-.....OWWWWWWWWWWWWW

So a lot of red herring killers are touted in front of us. Who is the mysterious killer? Is it the wrongly accused escaped convict? A "To Catch a Predator" creepy neighbor? Or is it one of our spring break bunch? Hoffman throws in many probables to get us confused. This is repeated as we see our creepy neighbor (Bob Farster) show up to scare the girls and act all perverty.

Most of what we see is after carnage kills. Bodies littering the house and a few quick cuts to death. It's not until the end does it go all splater-palooza. Some of the kills are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.

I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON

A few of the weirdness from Spring Break Massacre comes in the use of grainy black and white flashbacks that are intertwined in the film. As the twist is revealed and motive is explained we even get full flashbacks of scenes we've already seen!

The biggest problem is the bulk of the movie is told in a flashback. We see one of our characters in the aftermath of the massacre pretty much showing that she survives. I hated this. Why do this? It takes out the fun of "who will survive" aspect of a horror film. Saw did this and that's why I disliked the first flick.

When our killer is finally revealed it doesn't make sense. I can "get it" that it's not suppose to make sense because all those spring break/slumber party/sorority house/summer camp horror movie killers never made sense and always had odd motives for why they killed. We get a full explanation of why the slasher kills in SBM. I just didn't like it.

Spring Break Massacre is a throwback to the glory days of 80s camp horror. Most of us today don't appreciate this genre if we're not wearing funny glasses. But I appreciate this subgenre of horror and I know Michael Hoffman does to. In every scene, you know Hoffman is parodying the Roger Corman labeled spring break movies but also making one for today.

The formula for these movies is pretty simple. Tits, slaughtered teens, a crazy slasher and then more tits. Spring Break Massacre is exactly that, nothing more and nothing less. And at least it didn't cost me $16 fuckin dollars.

Gore-ipedia

Gunshot wounds
Knife trauma
Head bashing
After carnage bodies

Nude-ipedia

Lots and lots and lots.

WTF moment

The final line in the movie.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I appreciated this indie effort to reboot this genre. If you want to see what Michael Hoffman can do with actually funds, you can support him by "liking" the Facebook page. It seems they are about to get started on the reimagining/sequel to this film.

Kudos to Hoffman and his team. I'm looking forward to see what a bigger budget will bring.

Want to see what the fuss (and boobies) are all about?

Also check out the official site. Also you can buy the DVD at Amazon.com, Best Buy or Blockbuster. It's also on Netflix. Support indie horror dammit!

Rating:
Check out the trailer below!

Categories: 80s slasher horror, gratuitous nudity, nudity, slasher films, slashers, spring break massacre, straight to dvd