The Cabin in the Woods (Review)

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Directed by Drew Goddard
Written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon

The Cabin in the Woods was suppose to come out on February 5th 2010. It didn't. The poster and trailer were released December of last year. We had to wait 2+ years for this to come out. As a hoarder and fanboy of all that is Whedon, I was getting annoyed and was losing any hope that this movie was ever going to be released. They delayed it to 3D it. Joss and Drew cried foul. Would we ever see this???

And yes we all would. But as April 13th approached, I knew Cabin would be my must see movie of the year. I was having Whedon withdrawal and even though he was giving us Avengers, it was mainstream Joss. With CITW, we were getting vintage Joss. Teamed with Drew Goddard (a Buffy/Angel alum writer/director) we were going to get the answer to that age old question...

"What would happen if Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard) wrote a horror movie?"

And beyond my wildest expectations, The Cabin in the Woods is the best horror movie of 2012. To go even further, it probably is the best horror comedy of the last 10 years. My fellow jaded viewers, CITW is better than Scream (sorry Wes) and all its bastard children. Tucker and Dale vs Evil hinted towards a meta aware horror comedy but CITW goes lights years beyond that.

Simply and concisely summarized, Cabin is a meta self aware revolutionary horror comedy that takes those structured horror cliches, be it the stereotypical characters, the irrational choices, the set direction and the mythos and goes all man behind the curtain on it. Joss and Drew go all Wizard of Oz-ing on the horror genre and it's so brilliant, so awesome and so fucking clever you will leave the theater in a state of pure happy happy joy joy bliss and understand why #CabinintheWoodsisEPIC was trending on Twitter.

It's a horror reference machine, sending you cameos, trends and cliches a mile a minute and it asks you to get it. Do you get it? Do you understand the parody of what you're seeing? You don't? Then go ask somebody. Go watch the Universal classics, the slasher franchises, the Kubrick masterpiece. Then you'll understand why Cabin is going to spawn it's own genre and some bastard children of it's own.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Of course, the movie is about 5 friends who go to a cabin in the woods. But in the opening scene (in classic Whedon fashion) the twist which is SUPPOSE to be in the middle of the film is the one that starts you off. Any way of plot points and spoilers will ruin the movie for you so I will now not mention much of it (like CTK @ Planet of Terror did in his review). What I will do is answer my standard Q&A when I review a slasher film (because I'm jack full of spaz tuna) and also go in a bonus round, let's cyberchat in the comments. Go, go gadget Q&A!

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check...and it has so much more that I'm getting giddy and a horror boner talking about it.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Rated R motherfucker. They're real and they're spectacular.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. A blonde bimbo slut, a stoner "fool", the dumb jock, the smart guy and your standard prepackaged final "virgin" girl. Oh how you will howl with laughter at Fran Kranz's performance as Marty, the stoner. He spews Whedon-logue as good as Xander Harris.

4.) No Plot?

It's really a trick question as of course there is a plot and it's fuckin awesome. When you drank a can of New Coke, you know it's just a version of the original formula. Oh how I love the original formula. Classic Coke with a twist of sassy.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. You will yell out in delight and make a mess in your pants. You will see a lot of fanboy O faces.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. There are LOL scenes of WTF by the various "things". The blood and splatter are top notch. Lots of everything I said above with a point that may impale your brain. Hint hint.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends the hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Wow. Joss get out of my head. This describes our stoner Marty to a tee. Though the legend is more of the "Here is what the fuck is going on" to his friends and the audience. Marty is using is sight beyond sight. That's the real power of weed.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. The Whedonesque dialogue complete with Buffy speak is as always fuckin brilliant. Sure, "teenagers" are spewing dialogue written by 30 and 40 somethings but it has always worked when done by the Whedon players. The jokes are spot on timely and hilariously LOL. The play on words and reverse logic make it all the more fun. It's dialogue and conversation that is probably written in a conventional way and then Whedon-ized to make it funny. Remember, Joss actually talks like this.

9.) Gratuitous cameos of horror legends (a famous man of the box, classic Universal monsters, Kubrick tweens) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. SPOILER ALERT!!! This link here will give you all the info you need.

9a.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check. But it's the final girl we see at the end playing "Le Director" that you'll be cheering for.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

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The Cabin in the Woods will be remembered as a game changer in the world of horror. It's a horror movie within the making of a horror movie. The Whedon elements are pure mythological magic, where he introduces something new to an audience that has long forgotten or chosen to forget why we all love the horror genre.

Goddard and Whedon break down into the slasher formula and ask the questions we've all asked before, during and after the movie. We've always questioned character motivations, absurd coincidences, elaborate backstory and heroic save the day moments but never has it been put in a movie so brilliantly and with such style and and LOL zingers.

A new generation of millennials has now been introduced us to the topsy turvy world of Hellmouth 101.

Nude-ipedia

A spectacular pair of mangoes

Gore-ipedia

Mucho slaughter via slasher weaponry
Mucho victim fodder via various slasher methodology

WTF moment

SPOILER ALERT!!! (scroll over to see)
----> (I'll never see unicorns the same again)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Cabin in the Woods is clearly the film to beat as best horror movie of 2012. So many Buffy/Angel/Dollhouse alum I was oozing Whedonesque Fanboy-isms like a motherfucker. Everybody go see this movie. NOW. Drop what you're doing and see it now. Why are you still reading this?

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, buffy the vampire slayer, cabin in the woods, dollhouse, joss whedon, vampires, whedonesque, zombies

Jean Claude Van Damme is back (sorta) in Dragon Eyes (Trailer)

The logo of this blog will always be loved here at the jaded viewer. And as such, I've always kept you up to date on what's been going on with our favorite Belgian action star. From his last movie, Assassination Games (see review here) to his reality show, I'm always keeping tabs on the Muscles from Brussels. So having discovered the trailer for his latest movie (nope not The Expendables 2) I figured you all needed to know what's the what with JCVD.

Here is the trailer for Dragon Eyes which also stars world class martial artist Cung Lee. Seems JCVD is making Cung Lee do all the work as he plays mentor Tiano. Here be the plot:

In St. Jude, drug dealers and corrupt cops have destroyed an urban neighborhood. But newcomer, Hong, has the fighting skills and moral vision to save this town from itself.

As we all wait for The Expendables 2 (oddly JCVD plays "Jean Vilain") Really? How original!
He's got a few other films lined up. "Welcome to the Jungle" is a comedy starring his two kids (yup they're back) and he sports one hell of a porno-ey mustache.

Jean Claude says Hi from Puerto Rico.



And his final film is completely out of left field. We got into sci fi territory and he will be in a movie called U.F.O. Here be the plot.

Five young people realise one fine morning they are robbed of functioning mobile phones, radio and electricity. While they try to escape this situation on foot, they happen to see a huge flying saucer. Soon the civilisation as we know it starts to break down and the five friends find themselves in the middle of an anarchic turmoil.

You gotta admit, he's really hitting all the different genres and it all might turn out to be awesome. If I get to see a spinkick, that'll make my day.

Dim mak!

Categories: action cinema, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, kung fu, martial arts, van damme

The Raid Redemption (Review)

The Raid: Redemption

The Raid: Redemption (2012)

Directed by Gareth Evans

After seeing The Raid, I tweeted this:

@TheRaidUS is the equivalent of seeing a 100 car pile up, head on collisions and fiery mushroom cloud explosions. It's fuckin awesome

It's rare to see an action movie that says, fuck the characters and the plot! We're not going to waste time developing our characters or explaining the plot. Instead, we're going to give you non stop action for well over 100 minutes and it's going to be some of the most insane stuff you have seen in a while.

Remember when you first mesmerized by Tony Jaa in Ong Bak? Well The Raid is Ong Bak on fuckin steroids and fully armed with nuclear explosives. It's bar none the best action movie I've seen in the past decade.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The plot is simple. SWAT Team are told they have to take out a ruthless crime lord in an old tenement building. The building is heavily guarded by 1-800 Henchmen and house lowlifes, thugs, addicts and pieces of shit. It also has a few good Samaritans who our remaining cops will meet later. All you need to know is humans with lady parts are at a minimum. You're going to see glorious violence in a Just Dance choreography that is pure awesomeness.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I said it would revolutionize the action movie and I wasn't wrong. You may not know the name Iko Uwais but you will after seeing The Raid. Move over Tony Jaa, your 15 minutes are up. I first saw Uwais in Merantau, Gareth Evans first flick featuring Silat Harimau the Indonesian martial art. I'll admit, it had some stellar action scenes but it was full of boring drab plot and story and had staged action scenes that seem to appear out of nowhere.

But The Raid is floor after floor of non stop Silat in closed quarters, rooms with many breakable objects and ferocity of throwing your enemy against the wall numerous times. Uwais is a skilled tactician playing our hero cop and the synchronized ballet of Silat on Silat violence via endless henchmen are a sight you won't fuckin forget.

The man who steals the show however is Yayan Ruhian who plays Mad Dog. Dude is like the Nate Robinson of the film. He's barely 5'8 from the looks of it but his Silat skills are fuckin stellar. In the penultimate scene, he battles Uwais and his "partner" in well over 15 minutes display of kicks, blocks, punches, blocks and gallery of lightning quick Silat-o-pedia of moves.

And don't get me started by the point blank violence. Holy fuckin shit. Here are things I've never seen before:

• Execution of 4 men via point blank gunshots to the head (and one via hammer)
• Silat battle ending in multiple gunshots to the face
• Machete wielding fight scene
• Rude Awakening neck breakers

I mean check this scene out.

This is a badass flick that destroys all semblance of what action porn should be. It defies the genre by be unrelenting and ferocious. It doesn't apologize, it says FUCK YOU and gives you more of what you want. It has moments of pure suspense and anxiety then delivers one screaming kick after the other.

The Raid Redemption is the one action movie you need to see this year. Gone is Thai action. Indonesia is the king of action and Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais are sitting on the throne.

Nude-ipedia

Puhlease.

Gore-ipedia

Mucho gun trauma
Mucho broken bones trauma
Mucho head, arms, legs trauma

WTF moment

Uwais takes on EVERYBODY!!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Raid is out now in limited theaters. It's a must see, no ifs or ands about it. It's the pinnacle of the modern day action flick. It's why it's getting a release here. The Raid may have been overshadowed by that movie with kids killing kids, but leave it up to the adults to give us grown up violence.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: action cinema, bloody violence, crime thriller, gore, guns, indonesia action movie, kung fu, martial arts, merantau, merantau trailer, splatter, the raid redemption

EXCLUSIVE: FEARnet has a new reality show The Fear Club and I'm in it!!!

I've been giddy for a week now as I've wanted to share with you my big news. As you all know FEARnet is about to premiere Holliston, their new scripted original series starring Adam Green and Joe Lynch. But what you don't know is they are about to announce a new show called The Fear Club and I've been cast as one of the contestants in the pilot episode!

It's unfuckinbelievable! I'm crazy excited. I'm going to have to brush up on my horror trivia and knowledge in the next few weeks. I think I'll be able to handle everything they throw at me but foremost I wanna represent the horror blogosphere! Fuck yeah. I don't want to be one of those retarded reality contestants that's dumb as shit. I wanna show they picked someone who knows what's the what. Horror blogosphere.....represent!

Here's the press release so you know what the deal is. It should be released in the next few days.

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Cable's premiere horror destination, FEARnet television breaks into the reality TV genre with “The Fear Club”. 3 lucky horror fans every week will have the opportunity to test their knowledge, skills and love of horror movies in a competition that will push them to their limits.

“The Fear Club,” FEARnet’s first original reality show will visit famous horror movie landmarks and real haunted locations where contestants will have to perform stunts, answer trivia and face their worst fears. Executive Producer George Hitchens describes it as “The Amazing Race” meets "Fear Factor”. "We're going to put these diehard horror fans in situations they've never been in before" says Hitchens.

The series will feature 3 horror fans plucked from across America and sent to famous horror movie landmarks as well as real life locations known for their paranormal activity. After a series of tasks, trivia questions and a final stunt, the last survivor will win a cash reward and be featured as a FEARnet blogger on FEARnet.com.

Stay tuned for more announcements to come. For more information, head to FEARnet.com.

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I've been told that one of the contestants is from Los Angeles and works as a special effects designer. The other is from Austin and is a college student. My bio is I am a freelance writer for various movie and TV websites.

I was sent an e-mail from FEARnet as it looks like they were scoping out horror bloggers specifically. I had to fill out a questionnaire and film myself in a 15 minute video describing why I'd make a good contestant. After a phone interview, I went to a casting call in NYC, answered a few questions, did some role playing and met the producers and staff. A few days ago I got a call that I was cast.

Crazy right? I don't know what to expect but I'm going to be sure to let you know how it all plays out. I'll be tweeting and updating the jaded viewer Facebook page when they fly me out to wherever I'll be going. I've got a big contract I gotta read up and sign their waiver forms. I think I really should read the fine print just to make sure they don't bury me alive or some shit.

I'm not a fan of claustrophobia. Make sure to watch when it premieres!

















***The Fine Print***

Did you read that entire post? You did? Wow that's awesome. Isn't this going to be awesome? Are you going to watch? No? Fuck you. But you should know one thing. April Fool's!!!! Hahahahaha. ! Did I fool you? C'mon you should have known what today is. Thanks for playing!

Categories: fearnet, jadedviewer.com, reality tv satire, the jaded viewer, tv shows

5 Semi Unknown Actresses about to blow the fuck up

Well I needed an excuse to post pictures of Katrina Bowden. So I decided to make up this post. You probably know who all these actresses are but Ms. Moretz has been making the news since the Carrie announcement and some people didn't know she was Hit Girl in Kick Ass. It would be easy to feature Jennifer Lawrence but you know me, I dig the actresses that are semi under the radar. Clearly these actresses need more exposure so here you go.



5.) Olivia Thirlby: Yup, you've seen her in Juno, but she was in The Darkest Hour and in the Dredd remake. I clearly see her doing the indie thing but a path similar to Amanda Seyfried isn't out of the question.



4.) Jamie Chung: She did the horror thing with Sorority Row but hit the mainstream radar with Hangover 2 and Sucker Punch. She's going to go all dramatic in Eden but I can't wait to see her star with JGL in Premium Rush. Oh yeah she's in Shimizu's 7500. Her hotness is bound to turn heads but I see performance gold as well.


3.) Katrina Bowden: Sure she's been on 30 Rock, but it was her performance in Tucker and Dale vs Evil that made me notice Katrina Bowden. She's in American Reunion as well and we hit the jackpot because we all know she's in Piranha 3DD. That means there is 100% confirmation she will be in a bikini.


2.) Juno Temple: She's probably the most relative unknown of the 5, but she's been in a lot of shit according to her IMDB. Most notably she was in Year One and The Three Musketeers. But I noticed her in Gregg Araki's Kaboom where she goes all grunty and nakedy. But her upcoming slate is full of awesomeness. She's in The Dark Knight Rises (heard of it?), Killer Joe, Lovelace and a werewolf lesbian film called Jack and Diane with Jena Malone. God damn yay.


1.) Chloe Grace Moretz: Clearly not unknown to genre fans, Chloe Moretz was our dear Hit Girl in Kick Ass. Her filmography is extensive and she technically broke out as Abby in Let Me In. But at only 15, she's damn versatile as an actress taking roles in crime dramas like Texas Killing Fields. Obviously Hugo was fuckin huge as well but I'm curious as hell to see her in Dark Shadows.

Clearly she is our new Carrie and that will make her skyrocket into the filmdom stratosphere.

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Who's on your radar actor or actress wise? What possible indie horror scream queens might be lurking as the new Jamie Lee Curtis? Chime in!

Categories: beautiful women, chloe moretz, horror hotties, jaime chung, juno, juno temple, katrina bowden, let me in, olivia thirlby, piranha 3d, sucker punch, tucker and dale vs evil

10 Hipsterish Things Some Horror Fans Say and Do

I wrote on my Facebook page:

Everybody should calm down and stop being elitist horror fans for a sec because you saw Battle Royale. How about the fans who READ the book? They're more hipster than the ppl who saw the movie. But they better not make a film about Ennis Preacher or I'm gonna bust heads....

Well don't I sound all fuckin hipserish right??? It got me thinking that we horror fans say and do some hipsterish things (sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't). Oh I do them too, don't get me wrong. But when you think of horror fans in their late 20s, early 30s and older there is a level between these age gaps that have them acting like the vile Williamsburg scum we all despise. We are all guilty. Girls, that dark eyeliner is horror hipster-nista. Dudes, that beard you're growing? Alpha hipster. Here are few of the things I notice. I'm gonna get shit from this I know. Fuck.

1.) Anything made in the 70s and 80s is a fuckin cult classic

Remember, millennials think Scream is a cult classic and that was made in the 90s.

2.) We tell noobs to see the originals before the remakes

Sure Hollywood bastardizes the originals but some of our "originals" are remakes too.

3.) We're too good to see a movie based on a bestseller because we saw a cult movie based on a cult best seller

What could I be talking about?

4.) We all wear ironic horror t-shirts with humorish text or 80s slasher nostalgia

Yup I own a few of these Fright Rags.

5.) We constantly refer to Cannibal Holocaust and Blair Witch Project as the best found footage flicks. Everything else sucks.

Many of you will disagree with this. I just want another cannibal movie.

6.) We rage when Hollywood skull fucks our childhood by remaking horror movies, yet we go en masse and see these shitty movies

How ironic right?

7.) We all have horror blogs

I just called myself a horror hipster douche bag. I'm a sonnavabitch.

8.) We tell noobs that we've seen obscure, foreign, hard to find, banned video nasty films.

Most of these are on Amazon.com.

9.) We also say the French, Japanese, Chinese, Canadian, British, German make the best horror flicks these days.

We don't watch any of these because we hate subtitles.

10.) We've all met Kane Hodder, Ken Foree and Tiffany Shepis at some horror convention.

And we've all made that our Facebook profile photo.

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Guilty as charged? What other shunning the mainstream things have horror fans done they may not be aware of? Now I'm going to watch Addio Zio Tom because you never heard of it.

Categories: cannibal holocaust, hipsters, hipsters dying, hollywood remake, horror blog, horror remakes, the blair witch project, the jaded viewer, tiffany shepis

EXCLUSIVE! The Client List TV Plot Summaries Revealed!

When I first noticed Jennifer Love Hewitt's BOOBS were starring in "The Client List" I knew I had to write up a post on this awesomeness that would be unleashed on cable television. The poster, production photos and sneak peak videos were such a tease on the male American audience. So many questions came to mind. Would J-Love's boobs be able to give a star performance? Would we be able to accept them on the screen every time? Would we see them bounce? Were they still perfect like they were when she twirled around in I Know What You Did Last Summer?

These critical questions were answered with a resounding YES!

It was the best made for TV movie starring a pair of boobs...well ever (check out my review made of live tweets HERE!). But now, the gods of cleavage have gifted us again. Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs will return and star in The Client List: the TV show!!! Yes my fellow boob hounds, we are going to get to enjoy J-Love in various states of undress, meet a unknowing husband and kids and see some Forever Alone sleazy johns week after week!

So what's this series all about? Let's go over the plot first.

Everyone’s got something to hide and Riley Parks is no exception. Jennifer Love Hewitt plays Riley, a single mother, living in a small Texas town and leading a shocking double life. Her secret would send shockwaves through the community and possibly land her in jail if it was ever exposed. Riley’s taken a job at a seemingly traditional day spa, but soon realizes that the parlor offers a little more than just massage therapy. It’s not the happy ending she was expecting but it does open her eyes to a world she’s never seen before. The series follows Riley balancing these two worlds - one that revolves around her kids and family - and the other that revolves around the massage parlor and it’s special clientele. These two worlds couldn’t be farther apart, yet she’s totally comfortable in both. Keeping them separate … now that’s the tricky part as she discovers she’s not the only one with secrets.

You totally didn't read that didn't you?

OK check out this music video/teaser. This will get your tent pole up.





Now check out this behind the scenes footage. One promo has J-Love's boobs popping out during an interview. This ain't your momma's Lifetime.



I think you all need a break. Here's a picture for you to look at.

Put those tissues down. You done? Now check this craziness out. Our main character, Riley Parks has a Twitter account!

The bio reads:

Hi, I'm Riley Parks. Just a small town girl who LOVES karaoke, a good margarita and my two kids Katie & Travis. (Beaumont, TX)

Isn't that cute?

But you've all been waiting for that big exclusive right? Well here you go. I've received the plot summaries of the first 10 episodes of The Client List! You haven't seen anything yet as these future episodes are steamier than a Turkish bathhouse.

1.) Episode 1: "Pilot"

Riley Parks starts her first day as a masseuse but has quickly realizes things aren't as they seem. As she works up the courage to "satisfy" her first customer, she accidentally pulls the wrong muscle. To make matters worse, she has to pick up her son from Little League during the incident leaving the client worse for wear.

2.) Episode 2: "Slippery when Wet"

An Olympic gold medalist swimmer comes into the spa looking for more than a massage from Selena, a fellow masseuse. Unfortunately she has trouble satisfying his every need (marijuana, sub sandwiches) and asks Riley for help. Riley, who has at the same time having bedroom troubles with her husband Colin, agrees. However, she asks for a favor from Selena that will have everybody seeing threes.

3.) Episode 3: "Happy Beginnings"

Riley encounters a customer who is willing to give her a bonus if she performs "characters" for his pleasure. These include being a psychic, a horror scream queen, the popular teen girl and Audrey Hepburn. Riley agrees and soon starts lavishing her family with gifts making husband Colin and her mother suspicious. Soon both husband and mother start tailing Riley across town and wonder why she's buying a Wonder Woman outfit. How will Riley explain her odd purchases and who actually is following who?

4.) Episode 4: "Riley does Beaumont"

Riley encounters a few customers including her nephew who is obsessed with cyberporn. Meanwhile, Riley's daughter is being cyberbullied by unknown students. As she tries to juggle these family issues, the spa gets a case of the paranormal that is scaring everyone. Who can talk to these ghosts and make them see the light?

5.) Episode 5: "The Massage Oils of War"

When a rival massage parlor opens across the street, the ladies of the day spa start checking out the competition. Riley and Jolene (a fellow coworker) convince one of their clients to "spy" on the new place and start to realize he isn't the only one not coming back to the spa. As tensions mount between owners, it's up to Riley and her crew to make sure the up and coming parlor know a full blown explosion is just and the corner if they don't stop stealing their customers.

Are you looking forward to seeing The Client List? Sound off. I'll be live tweeting and reviewing it when it airs. The Client List premieres on Lifetime on April 8th. Check out the official site more info.

Categories: gratuitous nudity, hookers, jennifer love hewitt, lifetime, nudity, skinemax, the client list

The Summer of Massacre (Review)

The Summer of Massacre

The Summer of Massacre (2011)

Directed by Joe Castro

Well that sucked.

Back in the day, I would search out for the most fucked up, goriest, splattered fill horror movies out in the underground. I soon stumbled upon German splatter like Ittenbach's Burning Moon or Schnaas Violent Shit trilogy. I would get excited when I'd get my hands on this type of movie because I'd see unrated gore and splatter in all it's 8th generation dubbed glory.

Those movies did it old school. Old school tubes, animal intestines and red faux blood to create those effects. Sure they were balloons filled with red dye and such but it looked awesome. Well those days are long gone unfortunately.

Today we get shit like The Summer of Massacre. A movie whose sole premise is that it holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the Highest Body Count in a slasher film at 155. To get this record it fills 1 hour and 37 minutes with HORRIBLY BAD CGI KILLS. And I don't mean these were Romero like CGI, I mean this is MS Paint bad CGI. It's the equivalent of super transposed 16 bit Genesis graphics on top of the movie. Atari had better graphics than this film.

It's technically an anthology with self contained stories about a mad killer on the loose, some grotesque handicapped kid, killer father back from the dead to torment his son, camp kids killed by mutant firemen and serial killers with a nuke. It's not as cool as it sounds. Bad acting, bad makeup effects, bad stories and utterly fuckin shitty CGI kills. Sliced necks, ankles, necks, etc. Bullet would deaths. A whole level of stupid gross shit. I could list shit but honestly I don't even remember. This is pretty much the worst horror movie I've seen in the last 10 years. And trust me, I've seen a lot of bad ones.

I just can't stand movies who use CGI in their horror these days. I'm an old school guy with a throwback to the grind mentality. I'm pretty sure it's necessary at times but I like seeing the vicious realism of trauma. It's what I grew up watching and I appreciate the effort by the filmmakers when they go this route.

The Summer of Massacre is a crappy induced diarrhea mess of a film. I'd rather have my eyes gouged by hot pokers than see this film again. I'd rather be eaten alive by cannibals and shown by beating heart than see this film again. I'd rather have all my arms and legs chopped off and placed in a wooden box buried alive than see this film again.

The scary part is all those scenes are going to probably be in the sequel in really fuckin bad CGI.

Sonnuva-fuck.

Rating:
0 spinkicks

Check out the trailer below.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, breaking glass pictures, gore, indie horror, splatter, splatter gore, splatterpunk, top gore movies, underground horror

El monstro del mar! (Review)

El monstro del mar!

El monstro del mar! (2012)

Directed by Stuart Simpson

Did you ever want to see the Suicide Girls take on a sea monster?

Well Australia has got you covered. Because in Stuart Simpson's El monstro del mar (translated to Monster of the Sea) you'll just see that. And that's pretty much it.

Monstro goes into the way back time machine to give us a throwback to B-movie monsterpalooza where a quiet seaside town goes under attack by 3 hot Aussie vixen pussycat kill kill killers as they battle a tentacle rape octupi.

The movie starts off as From Dusk til Dawn style as our 3 tatted up, goth femme fatales lay a Venus fly trap for some man fodder. They party hard, booze it up and sniff those lines. They meet a young girl (another Aussie hottie) and her grandfather but secrets lay deep in this beach town. Soon locals are slaughtered and much blood is lost.

The CGI monster is slightly above your SyFy original movie but the buckets of blood and gore is unrelenting. Kudos to Simpson and his team for going all out. But hell the tentacles are pure laughable as are the death scenes. It's definitely intentionally "bad", with ridiculous carnage of serpent arms vs man.

But do I buy into the "it's so bad, it's good" formula? Well too a point I do. I'm all for seeing our 3 whores from hell Beretta, Blondie and the hottest of all Snowball go swimming and acting badass but without a real story or any interesting scenes of fun, it also becomes outright boring. It's fairly predictable and generic as they come.

If you want to see Aussie Suicide girls battle sea monsters, this will be your favorite movie. I liked the eye candy and the fairly cheesy monster mash gore. But clearly it's the same as watching a Skinemax action movie. Pick your poison.

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, australian horror, breaking glass pictures, exploitation, exploitation film, grindhouse, indie film, indie horror, monster movie, suicide girl

The Shortround: Thieves (Review)

In this edition of The Shortround, we go all sci fi. JG Barnes, director of Thieves sent me his short to check out. I figured, let's break the monotony and check out a sci-fi short. Here be the nuts and bolts.

One scene. One Room. A nice long chat simmers between a cold and precise Agent (Kelly Kirstein) and a brilliant yet fanatical terrorist (Sheldon Simmons). This man harbors the key to saving lives or the tool of ultimate vanity. But what exactly is it? As the veil slowly burns, the truth unfolds.

the jaded viewer says: Well to call Thieves a short would be a stretch. It's more of an excerpt from a proposed feature movie. Barnes short, done on a $300 budget is to be admired as the set, the surveillance POV and the acting is all solid. But thrown into the mix of an interrogation between a replicant? and a revolutionary is intentional dialogue of ideas of what it means to be human and how we can easily lose our identity with our tech. Cyberpunk is ever evident but one can get easily lost in the spewing of back and forth questions and answers. Sure budget limitations aside, one can forgo action or CGI, but if the conversation is confusing, it's headed towards disaster.

It's hard to gauge Thieves. We haven't had a decent cyberpunk film in such a long time (Johnny Pneumonic anyone?). I love the ideas of data transfer, a dystopian universe and a revolution against an evil corporation/government entity but I'm not sure where Thieves will go if made into a feature. Lots of interesting parallels to our modern world can be explored, one you hope may be touched on at some point.

Look out for Thieves as it makes a run on the festival circuit.

Check out the trailer below.

Categories: sci-fi, short, short film, the shortround

The Raid will revolutionize the modern action movie

After watching the umpteenth trailer and clips of The Raid: Redemption, you just get the feeling this shits going to be fuckin awesome. Sure we can all get hyped by The Expendables 2, but I get the eerie feeling Gareth Evans Indonesian action flick is going to get rewashed, rebooted and remade in that repackaged American way.

Haven't seen the trailer? Check it out.




Remember when Ong Bak came out and it fuckin exploded in your brain? I think Thailand may get dethroned by Indonesian's action stunt teams. I mean look at these scene below. Holy fuckin cow.



There is nothing like seeing some dude gets his head blown up point blank. Plus there a few more scenes of just pure WTF. "Silat", the Indonesian martial arts style seems like it's replacing muy thai for pure action awesomness.

My friends who know me, know I'm a stickler to see original flicks before the remakes. I'm pretty sure they got The Rock and Will Smith lined up for some pussy PG-13 American bullshit.
Sorry Tony Jaa, your ass got replaced.

Is The Raid going to revolutionize the action film? What do you think?

Categories: 80s action, action cinema, cops, crime thriller, indonesia action movie, merantau, muay thai, silat, thai movies

Bxx: Haunted - The Revolution of Web Horror?

You know what I forgot to do? I was suppose report back on what I thought of Kill Cam, an interactive horror story that I checked out over a few weeks. It was interesting to say the least. The live web cam turned into a webcam orgy of bored Australian nerds. The story did have a twist but was kind of predictable. To say the least it tried to hard but it did have it's moments. It also didn't go viral like I thought it would within the horror universe.

But you know what Kill Cam was missing?

Star power. A creative genius that had the imagination, funds and scope to make interactive horror on the web a real reality. That's when I stumbled upon Daniel Knauf's Bxx Haunted. Knauf is the creative mastermind behind HBO's Carnivale, Spartacus and Supernatural. So what's Bxx: Haunted? Well it's a non linear interactive movie which after watching the video below, I'm kind of intrigued.

Like a Choose Your Own Adventure tale, you get to choose which characters you want to follow, investigate rooms and check in on cams throughout an house. The story goes that a group of paranormal investigators become trapped in a house that's gone a little Poltergeisty. The Box Narrative is an interesting new way of storytelling and dammit, I'm pretty psyched. 6 characters in one house for 48 hours and we can take any path we want to reveal the narrative.

We're the filmmaker so to speak.

I'm all for new ways to watch horror and this is definitely the most creative gimmick I've seen in a while.

Sign up now as the first 5,000 people get an invitation and then it closes!

Full access will be available online 11:26 PM PST Friday 2/24 by invite only. Check out the teaser with Knauf and the trailers below. Also follow on Twitter.

The Box-Narrative from Daniel Knauf on Vimeo.

Bxx:HAUNTED Teaser #1 from Daniel Knauf on Vimeo.

Bxx: HAUNTED Teaser #2 from Daniel Knauf on Vimeo.

What do you think of this? Do you think this will work as a format to tell a story? Share your thoughts!

Categories: 2012 horror movies, interactive horror movie, web series

The Linsanity Of The Walking Dead

So I've gotten caught up with Linsanity, the rise of the New York Knicks Jeremy Lin from obscure "Rudy" to superstar savior. An Asian American playing NBA ball at the highest level is rare to say the least so it's pretty awesome to see him breakout and truly be a top notch baller.

But you know what else is rare?

Asians Americans on TV. Yup, look at any TV show and Asian Americans barely register. Sure they only make up 5% of the population but the representation is almost non existent unless they know kung fu. Stereotypes aside, I loved the fact Glenn's first appearance on The Walking Dead was not one of victim but savior. He saved Rick in Atlanta and showed he was a resourceful and was courageous kid in an apocalypse. I had high hopes that Glenn would grow to be a main character that was impactful in some way.

But slowly the stereotypes creeped in. He wasn't invited to the big missions, seemed to hang out with Dale alot, was used as bait, used as comic relief and was shy and awkward with the farmer's daughter. If he was written this way in the comic I do not know but as I watch The Walking Dead, I really hoped that we just underestimated him. That Glenn as a minor bench warmer was only temporary. I was hoping Glennsanity was just around the corner.

I mean there are some signs right?

He scored and saved the hot girl (got some!), killed a few walkers in spectacular fashion and discovered the barn. I think he could play an intricate part in the story. He's got the skills, the know how and the zombie IQ to kick ass and lead this team to victory (hmm I'm getting my Lin and Glenn's confused I think)

Glenn could actually make our Walking Dead outcasts better. He's unselfish (he went on the pharmacy run, the bait thing, searched for Sophia, etc.) As we get sick of the soap opera storylines, Glenn could probably add some much added pizazz and fun to the show. How much more Rick (he's like the Amare Stoudamire of the group), Shane (Yup, he's Melo) and Lori (D'Antoni) can we take?

I've already compared the Walking Dead to Lost but the others resemble other Knicks. Daryl is Shumpert, Andrea is Chandler, Dale is Jarred Jeffries. Well I could go on. Glenn is the kid every Walking Dead fanatic/nerd/geek roots for. He's the young kid who seems to be overlooked, never gets the chance to voice his opinion in major decisions but somehow scored the hottie. He's the guy we relate to. He cares more about the team (err I mean rag tag group of survivors) that he'd be willing to sacrifice having grunt relations with Maggie.

He's the underdog that has the potential to be awesome, to make the show better than it is now. This needs to happen. We deserve it.

We need Glennsanity.

Categories: fast moving zombies, glennsanity, jeremy lin, linsanity, the walking dead, tv shows, walking dead, white girl with asian guy

The Jaded Viewer would like a cameo.....please?

I'll admit it. I've reviewed a ton of indie horror movies and sometimes its truly gratifying to have a filmmaker, writer or director thank you for giving such a good review or promoting a film. Though I love writing this blog and supporting indie horror I also do love getting free shit. I don't get paid for the site (I run no ads). But a part of me longs to get an e-mail that says:

"Hey Jaded Viewer, do you wanna have a cameo in our film?"

Fuck yeah I do. Every horror blogger would love to be asked that. Hell, I don't want even speaking lines. I'd like to just be in the background pretending to hold a conversation with a hot girl speaking gibberish. Of course, it would be kinda cool to "die" in a horror movie. I mean that would be the awesomest cameo wouldn't it?

All horror bloggers blog for the love of horror but the perks are pretty fun to. We've all probably met our fair share of celebs, filmmakers and stars. Hell when Eli Roth tweeted back to me one time, I was thrilled! But I wouldn't mind being slaughtered by a rich psychotic douchebag either.

Clearly, I have no acting experience whatsover. I 'm not part of any guild or organization for acting but I'm sure not all indie actors might be either. I can say I was once a zombie in a college short film but I've never actually seen the short and I only did it to hang out with a cute girl. The funny thing is I entered that Walking Dead sweeps where you could have been flown to Atlanta to have a zombie cameo. I entered that contest like a zillion times. That would have been the dream cameo.

So I'm putting this out there. If you're filming an indie film or indie horror, I'd love to make a cameo in your film playing any part. You need me to be a cadaver? I'm there. You need a homeless looking guy? I'm your man. You need a delivery guy? I'm always on time.

Horror bloggers and fans, if you could have a cameo in a horror film, which filmmaker or director would you want to be in?

And seriously...I'm an awesome zombie. I've got my staggered walk and echo moans down pat. We all need the jaded viewer zombie.

Make it happen.

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, indie horror, the jaded viewer

The Shortround: The Code (Review)

Lots of new Shortround posts this week. Here's another one where you can actually watch for yourself. From Mark Blitch comes The Code, a horror comedy short that part Buffy part Shaun of the Dead.

The tagline says it all: Put it on your Google Calendar

Watch the short below and then read my review.

The Code - watch more funny videos

the jaded viewer says: At 6 minutes, The Code cleverly polishes it's Buffy dialogue and Shaun of the Dead references while throwing in cameos chock full of horror icons. It's funny and knows the stereotypical horror cliches it parodies. I like the cliched opening of a douchebag alpha male with the supposed dumb blonde though I was 100% sure she was a Buffy in disguise.

The vampire, chainsaw slasher and Bigfoot were solid surprises but Taylor Brandt as zombie Shaun steals the show with his loyalty for Google Calendar. Obvious reference aside, it made me LOL and the makeup and FX won ton of awards at the Splatterfest Festival in Houston.

Good job by all those involved and I'm happy you all were able to see it as well.

Check out the links below for more info.

Film - http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/65eu
IMDB - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2059297/
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Code/246951718683504
Metal Sandwhich Films: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Metal-Sandwich-Films/190463734328735

Categories: buffy the vampire slayer, comedy, horror comedy, horror short, short, short film, slashers, the shortround, vampires, zombie comedy, zombies

How Do You Write A Joe Scherman Song? (Trailer)

I've been seeing a lot of promos and posters all over NYC for NBC's new show Smash. I'll admit, this is not my sort of bag, but when jaded viewer friend Christina Rose dropped me a line informed me that Gary King's indie musical How Do You Write A Joe Scherman Song? is soon to be released I had to take a quick glance at the trailer (which is below).

Here be the plot:

Joe (Joe Schermann) dreams of hitting it big on Broadway. After landing an opportunity to write for an Off-Broadway musical, he is forced to cast either the love of his life Evey (Christina Rose) or his newly discovered muse Summer (Debbie Williams). The realities of show business prove to Joe that writing is easy, living is hard.

Christina is a brilliant actress (she was brilliant in Death of the Dead (see review here and interview here) and I'm sure she's going to show off all her talents: her beauty, singing and acting in this little slice of NYC indie film.

Here's more info via the Press Release:

HOW DO YOU WRITE A JOE SCHERMANN SONG is an original feature film musical written and directed by Gary King; music and lyrics by Joe Schermann; and original score by Ken Lampl. It stars the singer/songwriter of the same name Joe Schermann, Christina Rose (of Broadway's GREASE, Deadheads, & previously worked with King on "Death of the Dead"), Mark DiConzo ("New York Lately"), Debbie Williams, Jenn Dees ("What's Up Lovely") and Darly Ray Carliles (Jaradoa Theater). The incredible dance sequences in the film were choreographed by Mark DiConzo and Christina Rose. The indie film was funded primarily through crowdfunding (Kickstarter) which has led to a global fan base long before the film's release. Marcus Wolf and Edward A. Bishop of Flicker Dreams Productions served as executive producers.

Film festival screening announcements coming soon.

Check out the trailer.

HOW DO YOU WRITE A JOE SCHERMANN SONG - Official Trailer from Gary King on Vimeo.

For more info check out these links:

• Official Site
• Facebook Page
• Christina Rose Official Site
• Christina Rose Twitter Page
  

Categories: broadway, christina rose, independent cinema, indie film, musical

The Shortround: Familiar (Review)

The Shortround returns with another Fatal Pictures short film by producer Zach Green and director Richard Powell. I previously reviewed their short Worm which was dastardly disturbing. In Familiar, we get what made Worm mesmerizing and also a bucket of splatter.

Here be the plot.

Through a series of tragic events a middle aged man grows to suspect the negative impulses plaguing his mind may not be his own.

the jaded viewer says: In Familiar, we follow John Dodd, twin brother to Geoffrey Dodd who we saw in Worm. He has a American Beauty like life, with a wife and daughter living the suburban dream (or nightmare). Like his brother, we get to hear his inner most thoughts and he's longing for escape from his mid life hell. Dinners are eaten, sleep is dreadful and all John wants is to escape after his daughter goes on to college.

But John believes his wife is the cartoon ball and chain and is plotting to keep him locked to this living hell. Soon a big development has him taking drastic measures to ensure his escape but that nagging voice in his head is more than what it seems. As Familiar concludes into some self inflicted open surgery, John must battle the inner demon living inside of him.

Familiar is the type of short that packs an emotional punch in it's 20 minute run time then most Hollywood dramas. The lack of dialogue other than an inner monologue by Robert Nolan is paced to a point where it slowly grows over time. It clearly is American Beauty meets Cronenberg madness. Powell works the inner monologue with methodical timing and inserts conversational emotions with each scene between the characters.

I would say it lacks in the fact that an eerie conclusion is used as an ending where possibly a reunion between John and his wife might have been more fitting. Clearly the WTF-ness of it all makes it 10 times more terrifying. Nolan's performance is top notch and shows he can drive a short with just his face.

Green and Powell are a hell of an exciting duo in indie film and there is no doubt a feature is on it's way. If Familiar is the type of work we can look forward to, I can't wait.

The Vitals

• Official Site
• Facebook Page

Check out the teaser trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, horror short, short, short film, the shortround

ABC's The River (TV Review)

I was able check out ABC's new show The River a little early. You've probably seen the commercials and the marquee branding that it comes from Paranormal Activity director Oren Peli. Having watched the pilot, I gotta admit it's probably the best pilot I've ever seen since Lost.

It really grabs you from the opening scene and you get seriously mesmerized by it all. Sometimes in pilots, they think they need to establish characters so you all know who is who. The River touches on a few character developments but doesn't get bogged down in the details. It knows it'll get into that in later episodes.

What The River does well is jump right into the shit you wanna see. So what's that exactly?

A Steve Irwin (but American) like TV explorer and wildlife guru and his family were stars of a hit weekly TV show where they discovered new species and got into the adventures (you know Swiss Family Robinson style I guess). Years later, dear old dad seems to have gone missing and his wife, his son and a new TV crew go searching for the long lost star explorer. They're joined by a hot blonde (there is always a hottie and who also lost her dad in the last expedition), a few TV producers and camera guys and a South American guide with his daughter and it's bon voyage into the Amazon.

Filmed with that Paranormal Activity style of shaky cam footage (via the cameramen), surveillance shots, old archived footage and traditional TV style, it all works on all those different levels. Soon these rag tag group locates a beacon that is suppose to be from Dr. Emmet Cole, our intrepid adventurer and they locate and search an abandoned boat of the long lost crew. But then shit starts hitting the fan.

Magical unseen forces are wreaking havoc, weird footage of dad doing Amazonian things and a glimpsed at story from the natives is told. A few scenes had me going WTF. But it's the pure awesomeness of Peli and his sight beyond sight that makes The River standout. We get a mythos in the pilot, a few blurry attacks and a good ole WTF death scene. Awesome.

Sure it's basically Paranormal Activity meets Lost. The characters all seem to echo a bit of shadiness and our "Jack" character is now called Lincoln Cole. But all in all, something seems not right and the mystery really does hook you. The dragonflies are all quirky and the mysterious entity that "seeks blood" isn't just shutting doors or flickering lights but outright attacking the castaways.

The River looks promising and I'm going to definitely check out series. There is already so much good horror TV shows probably on your plate but I'm banking on the natives and the river to slaughter and cannibalize this millennial version of the SS Minnow.

Good times.

The River premieres on February 7th 2012 (Tuesday) on ABC.

Categories: cinema verite, paranormal activity, pov horror, reality tv satire, the river, tv shows

Ferocious Planet (Review)

Ferocious Planet

Ferocious Planet (TV 2011)

Directed by Billy O'Brien

[this review is from The Jaded Viewer 2 DVD Giveaway Winner Kim K. She suffered through these awful flicks like a real soldier and for that I'm giving her a honorary jaded viewer gold star of awesomeness]

I was warned - these movies won’t be making any "best of" lists. Watching them was a test of will. I have a short attention span. I'm rating them not by spinkicks, but by how many failed attempts it took me to actually sit down with the movie long enough to watch until the end.

"Ferocious Planet"

Alien movies, even when done well, are not typically the subgenre I reach for first. Plus, I tend toward thinking that any film with the word ‘Ferocious’ in the title is bound to be lame. But you can't judge a film by it's cover right?

Okay... maybe you can.

This movie begins with two scientists giving a demonstration to a group of politicians, military and fellow scientists on their groundbreaking technology whose purpose quickly becomes unimportant as once activated, the entire lab rips out of our dimension and into one inhabited only by dinosaur-like aliens. The scientists spend the remainder of the movie trying to fix their machine so that the group can make it back home. The politicians & military men prance around the jungle exploring, in hopes of securing fame and fortune. You can probably guess which group was (marginally) more successful.

There were funny moments, though most of them were likely unintentional. This movie had a feel of Jurassic Park-meets-Predator tweaked for a scifi original. The CGI was cartoonish, but in the context of this movie, it works well enough. The concept was ridiculous from the get-go, so I say run with that. The movie doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously either, which I respect, so if you’re going to watch, make it a drinking game:

• Drink every time someone gets killed
  
  -Twice if it’s not the person you expect
  -Three times if killed in almost identical manner to the previous character
  
  
• Drink for every cut-to-commercial edit
  
  
• Drink whenever someone says “that’s impossible,” “we’ve hit a snag,” or “we have a problem”
  
  
• Drink for every time gunshots don’t work.
  
  -Twice when characters use them anyway.
  
  
• Drink anytime someone mentions self preservation
  
  
• Drink for breathless running through the forest.
  

There is one kind of funny, ironic twist in the final five minutes that I appreciated, but not enough to make watching the entire movie worthwhile.

I give this film: 4 failed attempts.

No nudity in either flick and minimal gore, I’m afraid.

And there you go. Now may I request you send me a copy of “Martyrs” or “The Woman” as consolation for playing? ;)

[Totally, Kim. My Top 10 Horror Movies of 2011 List is at your disposal. You can pick any film you want :-) ]

Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, alternate reality, dinosaurs, ferocious planet, sci-fi, scifi channel, syfy movie, time travel, tv shows

Could the Jaded Viewer outsmart (or die horribly) against these infamous slasher icons?

I was watching an episode of Tosh.0 and Daniel Tosh started naming celebrities he thought he could beat up. It's pretty funny video and it got me thinking, if I were a final guy trapped in a horror movie, which top horror slashers could I outsmart?

Based upon my educational level, my vast knowledge of horror trivia, tactics and experience, I think I could do well against certain slashers and pretty much get sliced early on against others. So below you'll find a list of slashers and whether or not I could outsmart them and escape scot fuckin free.

I want you fellow jaded viewers and my horror blogger alumni to try this experiment as well. List a bunch of slashers and think really hard if you could come out a winner. Don't be asshole/douche and think you could really get away from all of them. Share your lists and we'll all pretend to be smart motherfuckers!

Here's mine!

1.) Jason Voorhees

the jaded viewer says: Fuck yeah I could outsmart Jason. I'm not that freakin clumsy, won't trip running away in the woods and I'm pretty sure I'm in decently physically fit cardio wise. Jason waits for you to board yourself up in a house or cabin in the woods. Fuck that shit.

I'm running all night, even in the dead of night until I reach pavement of a highway. I'll bring a water bottle with me.

2.) Freddy Kreuger

the jaded viewer says: When I dream, I'm totally not in control. I don't know how to dream properly (lucid dreaming or whatever it's called) and I'd totally get Inception killed by the son of 1000 maniacs.

3.) Michael Myers

the jaded viewer says: The king of slashers and the smartest maniac on the planet. Michael was calculated, methodical and damn clever. I wouldn't last 10 minutes if I was hanging out in front of the Haddonfield 7-Eleven.

4.) Jigsaw

the jaded viewer says: Fuck y'all. If I need to hack my arm off I'm doing it to live. But knowing Jigsaw, his traps always have a damn twist so my likely survival probably hovers around 20%.

5.) Chucky

the jaded viewer says: He's a fuckin doll. Outsmart Chucky? Hell I could actually kick his ass. I'll show him who's the Good Guy.

Name a slasher in the comments and in my follow up to this post, I'll let you know if I could win or die a horrific death. If you have a horror blog, choose a few slashers and ask yourself if you could beat these icons of horror.

Categories: 80s slasher horror, jadedviewer.com, slasher films, slashers, the jaded viewer