Oh sure you know the Abraham Lincoln legend.The Vampire Hunter president. 44 presidents and he gets all the fame for staking vamps and preventing an apocalypse. But let's not forget these other lesser known legendary presidents who battled the supernatural from the Oval Office.
5.) John Adams/Johny Quincy Adams: Leprechaun Hunters
Father and son took on the menace of killer leprechauns who looked to bankrupt America.
4.) Benjamin Harrison: Troll Hunter
Post civil war president Harrison took a rag tag group of former Union and Confederates soldiers and battled trolls in Colorado
3.) Chester A. Arthur: Sea Monster Hunter
Arthur made new steel war ships in order to battle the ongoing threat of sea monsters threatening the east coast of the US....and he did it victoriously.
2.) Harry S. Truman: Nazi Zombie Hunter
After WWII, Truman had to battle the new threat. Nazi zombies. Defeating a zombie SS army by zombie Hitler, Truman made sure the Nazis were gone for good.
1.) John F. Kennedy: Succubi Killer
Kennedy had to battle the evil but beautiful succubi in all it's forms, seducing them as they seduced him. If it were not for Kennedy, the queen of the succubi, Marilyn would have destroyed us all.
Are you now educated by these other presidential American heroes? Good. See Lincoln wasn't the only one.
Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.
But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.
Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.
I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich. Awesome Review-O-Matic
I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.
Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.
2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?
I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:
"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"
Would you believe him?
3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?
Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to www.nazioccultforbeginners.com.
4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?
Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.
He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him
As for powers, he's got:
He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
He's got killer nails
He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!
It's not as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.
5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.
Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.
6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?
Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover). 7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?
What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.
8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?
Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?
9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?
You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.
10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?
Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.
There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?
There is one helluva bad movie. WTF moment
Horse-acide
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.
It wasn't too long ago I was blogging about Nazi zombies.
After the flick was getting mega hype from Sundance film festival, you knew this was gonna be one of those horror films that just gets it. It wasn't trying to appeal to the PG-13 millenials so Hollywood could $ca ching. Dead Snow was appealing to the horror-sphere and won the Nazi zombie race against Worst Case Scenario and others.
Wirkola's previous film was a Norwegian parody of Kill Bill so what we get with our Nazi zombies are some ha ha moments that seem right for a flick about an undead German army fighting against a group of medical student hipsters.
I missed seeing it at NYC Fangoria Weekend of Horrors.Well I'm glad the IFC picked it up for VOD and DVD distribution.
It's a horror film that's self aware. It knows it's premise and makes note of it. It's also follows the standard formula to a tee. Dead Snow makes no allusions of not being a horror comedy. Wanna see younglings get slaughtered my blood hungry, ravenous zombies? You got it!
The twist is we're seeing Nazi zombies in the mountains of Norway running in the snow.
And that's so completely nutty, you have to applaud this snowy D-day of destruction.
Boring Plot-O-Matic The plot of the film is set around a group of Norwegian medical students who go away for an Easter vacation in a cabin up in the mountains. Unfortunately, the area they are staying in was used by the Nazis in the German occupation of Norway during World War II. The Germans raped and pillaged the locals and stole all their gold, until the locals chased the Germans up the mountains, where they supposedly froze to death. The medical students find a box of gold in the cabin they are staying in, which had belonged to the Germans. As a result, zombie Germans come back to reclaim their gold, with deadly results.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
We are going to use the "what makes a good slasher movie" list for Dead Snow. Just because, if I do a regular review it will probably be boring whereas answering my own questions is funtastic!
Does Dead Snow achieve everything on this list?
1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?
Let's replace slasher with a shitload of zombies.
We get the meanest, great makeup FX of full fledge SS Nazi zombies complete with WWII gear and some decomposing Skeletor corpse faces. These are top notch looking zombies. And the fact that they are semi self aware, 3% intelligent and run after our snow mobiling yipsters is a testament to their army training.
2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?
We get our standard sex scene in a frigid outhouse. And you know the rule. If you get some, you get dead.
3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?
Oh man. They so die such awesome over the top deaths. It's not a spoiler in a sense that you know that most of these people have to get bloodified and slaughtered so us gorehounds can rejoice. So lets meet our would be victims!
1.) Vegard (our X-games extreme sporter) 2.) Roy (our horny horndog) 3.) Erlend (our resident horror movie geek) 4.) Martin (our doctor who is scared of blood) 5.) Liv (our hot blonde) 6.) Hanna (GF of Martin, pseudo final girl) 7.) Chris (hot chick, mostly fodder)
Erlend is the first to make the observation that a bunch of good looking Norwegians are headed to the scary cabin in the mountains where evil will probably ensue. It's clever enough to make a reference to their situation is a horror staple and his Braindead t-shirt at least homages the great old school Peter Jackson. 4.) No Plot?
Check.
5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"
Check. I was rather impressed by some of the gore and splatter. See below.
6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem
Check. Dead Snow combined gallons of blood, intenstines, gore, splatter and CGI blood splatter and *Gasp!* made it work.
Here is your Gore-ipedia.
1.) Ocular trauma with special head brain explosion 2.) Head decaps (x infinity!) 3.) Gratuitous intenstine trauma 4.) Chainsaw arm surgery 5.) Body rippage 6.) Sliced throats 5.) Zombie ocular trauma 6.) Zombie Arm trauma 7.) Zombie shotgun trauma 8.) Zombie intensine trauma ...suffice it to say the zombies get chainsawed, scythed, knifed and obliterated in various splatter happy ways.
And there's like an never ending army, so there's solid carnage throughout.
7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes) Geeky leader does take charge. And we get our mysterious old man who describes the spooky legend (see the plot above)
8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)
Check. Very Evil Dead and Brain Dead-y
9.) Final girl goes all final girly?
Final man?!?!?
10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
You betcha! Nude-ipedia
Nada
WTF moment Nazi Zombies working together to rip the arms and limbs of one of the hipsters
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
That scene of Nazi zombies coming out of the snow and the one where they are fuckin Usain Bolting is fuckin priceless.
Dead Snow will inevitably be compared to Evil Dead and Brain Dead (both films they reference and homage). It's got the ill timed humor working well (and even though it was subtitled, it worked, see the subtitled version and not the dubbed one). It's funny and makes you know it.
Let's get straight to the point. Dead Snow is one of the best horror movies of 2009. The movie takes a while to get revved up, with the first 30 minutes full of quick scares but the characters are not overtly annoying and do enough to make sure when they get dead, you have a good time watching their demise.
But as the first movie to put Nazi zombies in the snow on screen, Dead Snow hits all the right targets, makes you laugh and is just like storming Normandy.
All we see is tons of carnage, slaughter and splatter.
But you can't look away. And honestly, you don't want to because it's too fuckin awesome to watch.
I know I'm a little late on this one, but alas I've been hyping up Nazi zombies for some time here. Worst Case Scenario (a movie that seems like it will never be made) had an awesometastic trailer featuring underwater Nazi zombie ghouls.
But Dead Snow, recently announced as part of the lineup for the Sundance Film Festival looks like it's going to be a a uber revolution of zombie horror.
Nazis and zombies is a natural fit in the evil, fucked up sorta way. And its fitting, some Norwegian X-Gamer teenagers get slaughtered by SS decomposing corpses.
The trailer really is quite intriguing. Check it out below.
I noticed:
1.) A Braindead and Indiana Jones references 2.) The local who warns the teens of impending danger 3.) Gratuitous nudity and sex 4.) Fast moving zombies (well fuck, I mean they are dead Nazis) 5.) Total gratuitous Evil Dead/Sam Raimi homage 6.) CGI blood 7.) An actually funny one liner
That scene of Nazi zombies coming out of the snow and the one where they are fuckin Usain Bolting is fuckin priceless.
Perusing the trailers on other horror sites is part of the deal when running the jaded viewer. I only post trailers I find interesting.
So you won't see trailers for Saw V or some other Hollywood crap.
What you will see is the promotional teaser trailers for Gorehound Canned Film's Worst Case Scenario. Seems like the $$$ they we're getting from our pussy American companies fell thru, but I think they're now geared up and ready to go.
Yay for our Euro splatter counterparts across the pond.
The plot is making us gorehounds salivate....
This horror movie centers on the common friction between neighboring countries. It's a global phenomenon, and even in peaceful Western Europe you will find old grudges. If you dig deep enough.
In the final of the World Championship soccer games Holland and Germany are going to war. An American on a personal quest antagonizes a group of hooligans that chase him to a North Sea island. There awaits an opponent in a league of its own.
Aquatic Nazi Ghoul Zombies.
Nuff said.
Actually, that's not all. We get some awesome promo trailers!
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