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Wicked Lake (Review)

Wicked Lake

Wicked Lake (2008)

Directed by Zach Passero

I can actually sum up my review in 5 words.

Skinemax version of the Craft.

Any red blooded American male wants to see nympho witches go all lesbo and suck blood. It's part of our DNA. But like porn, it's those nagging scenes of "plot" that seem to get in the way. Get to the gratuitous boobies already.

What exactly is Wicked Lake? A rape and revenge movie? A horror skinmax movie? A supernatural, Jess Franco Vampyros Lesobos reboot?

The acting is atrocious. The dialogue is like scratching on a blackboard. The rednecks play out like uber parodies of rednecks and the cops are more inept than a Gordon Lewis blood movie.

Put it together you have 2/3 full of beautiful hot looking succubi going all killy, and 1/3 Deliverance gone wrong.

Sorry, that's just not even going to get 2 spinkicks in my book.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

WICKED LAKE is a supernatural tale about four mysterious, attractive girls venture on a road trip for a relaxing weekend getaway. Unbeknownst to them, two clans of deranged male misfits follow them to their secluded, picturesque lakeside cabin in the mountains. The girls appear to be easy prey for the predatory perverts until the fateful stroke of midnight when all hell, literally, breaks loose!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Lets have fun with this review shall we? If we could compare to a skinemax movie lets see if it fits all the cliches that does.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #1

Opening scene of gratuitous nudity over the opening credits

WICKED LAKE VERSION

The opening scene is of a hot girl posing naked for a bunch of art students in a class.

MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #2

Introduction of cheesy characters (possibly parodies of Hollywood genres) with C or D level actors and actresses (always 2/3 pornstars 1/3 skinemax veterans)

WICKED LAKE VERSION

We are introduced to Caleb, our gay "good" bad guy and his redneck, horny inbred redneck family. We are also introduced to our lesbian foursome. Mary our tushy brunette, Helen our hot girl next door, Jill our Amy Winehouse lookalike and Ilene our hippy model.

MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #3

A scene of gratuitous nudity with lesbians making out in a music video montage

WICKED LAKE VERSION

A scene of gratuitous nudity with lesbians making out in a music video montage MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #4

Set up of couples going on vacation at a hypersexed resort, getting massages and skinny dipping in the pool.

WICKED LAKE VERSION

Set up of 4 carefree girls going to a cabin by the lake, going skinny dipping and encountering some horny males

MATCH?: YES!! (SORTA)

SKINEMAX CLICHE #5


Scene of a nympho woman teaching an inexperienced woman how to please her man

WICKED LAKE VERSION

Rednecks force the 4 coeds to suck the flute, resulting in gratuitous rock smashing and death

MATCH?:
NO....wow that's not even close.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #6

The cop investigating the murder at a brothel gets seduced by the very friendly staff

WICKED LAKE VERSION

The 4 succubi/vampyros lesbos exact their revenge on our hillybillies by going all butchery. This includes:

1.) John Bobbit-ed
2.) Brain eating a straw blood drinking
3.) Arms and legs cut off (not shown because that would have required real CGI and money)
4.) Throat biting
5.) Beheadings with microwave explosion
6.) Gratuitous dental work
7.) Shotgun blast to the head
8.) Gunshot blast to the balls

MATCH?: NO....hmm. I thought that one would be similar.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #7

The final scene is usually where our original uptight couple now becomes unhibited and lets it all loose and we get 10 minutes of simulated sex

WICKED LAKE VERSION

More of the naked girls in the lake as the credits roll

MATCH?: Close enough

So as you see, 5 out of 7 times, it fell in line with a skinemax version. Just because you can drop in a Angela Bettis cameo doesn't mean it makes your film a horror movie. You can't argue a movie where there is total full frontal and boobage that is right in your face. What you can argue is that when you try to add horror elements and it comes out all huh? what? eh?, you've really haven't done your homework.

I enjoy blooded splatter and soaked hot looking lesbians as much as anybody, but c'mon now. We horror fans deserve more than that don't we?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

1.) John Bobbit-ed
2.) Brain eating a straw blood drinking
3.) Arms and legs cut off (not shown because that would have required real CGI and money)
4.) Throat biting
5.) Beheadings with microwave explosion
6.) Gratuitous dental work
7.) Shotgun blast to the head
8.) Gunshot blast to the balls

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

1.) Art model boobies
2.) Lesbian montage makout nudity
3.) Skinny dipping and naked sun tanning nudity
4.) Full frontal nudity by Amy Winehouse look a like
5.) More skinny dipping

WTF moment

The 5 minute lesbian makeout session

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

As I said, I just can't give this 2 spinkicks. Nudity alone doesn't warrant a average rating. Nudity and a solid plot, lots of gore and splatter. That's the holy fuckin trinity of a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 gets you 1 and half spinkicks.

Maybe Passero's next flick will be a little better. Shit, if you wanted to provide a soundtrack to Ministry's latest album, a music video would have sufficed. But 90 minutes of this was a little overkill.

Rating:

1/2


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hahahahaha - I enjoyed your 'spin' on this review! :-)

Well said!

J

Wicked Lake. Whats so wicked?

I just watched because Al Jourgensen was in it. I could stop after the first stage, but the "WTF am I watching" side won. Your review is just perfect.

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