Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Last House in the Woods (Review)

The Last House in the Woods

The Last House in the Woods (2006)
aka Il Bosco Fuori

Directed by Gabriele Albanesi

Why can't it be the first house in the woods? How about the second to last house?

Ahhh yes, those exploitation crazy Italians love rebooting the old grindhouse slashers flicks of old like it was the 70s and 80s.

Can somebody tell them its the 21 st century?

My first impression was it had the feel of the late great Bruno Mattei's cheesy, Ed Wood-ish amateur splatter film, but the last 30 minutes sent this flick to a decent 2 spinkick average fart.

It doesn't do anything totally different. It's your basic jocktards attacking a couple, a mysterious couple saves them but they're actually more fucked up than the jocktards. Lots of gratuitous running and escaping, lots of gore and a somewhat surreal ending.

It's not rocket science.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

There are some lines that must never be crossed... beyond them all... is The Last House in the Woods.

[oops thats the tag line]

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The version I watched was dubbed so it felt weird listening to conversations in Italglish. Aurora and Rino are a couple out of love when they encounter some thuggy thugs. Luckily they are saved by a couple who suspiciously were there just in time.

They take them to their house and Aurora soon discovers that you should NEVER EVER go to the fuckin backwoods of Italy.

Well let me list the generic shit that we get to see.

1.) Deranged murderous couple
2.) Redneck, inbred, mutant sons
3.) Evil thugs playing evil thugs who become good thugs (?)
4.) Final Girl
5.) Arm decaps and some shades of bloody slaughter

So why would this get 2 spinkicks? I have no idea. The throwback to Italian sleaze repackaged is something I sometimes can't resist. The couple has a mutant, vampire son they need to feed. Oops spoiler...sorry. Like it mattered. So they decide to feed the younglings in love.

The thugs fill the kill quotient and die in gruesome ways. We get final girl running and running and everybody who dies, deserves it.

But its the vivid image of the opening scene clashing with the ending that blew my mind. OK spoilers ye mate. Vampire boy's new little 8-10 yr old brother was a survivor that the family took in which they mutant-ized so he fit in. So how did they accomplish this?

By fuckin cutting off his arms and legs and sitting him on a pedestal.


Not a good movie, but a nice 21 st century pre owned homage to mega sleaze of old. That equals decency in my book.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Vehicular trauma
Arm and Leg cannibalism
Arm chainsawing
Leg chainsawing
Stomach chainsaw and intenstines spewing
Boil pussing
Multiple stabbings
Throat slicing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Negative Zero

WTF moment

The armless and legless little boy sitting on a candle lit pedestal

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This was brought to the States from Ghosthouse, which usually is solid in their selections. Hell even I got convinced I would see a Last House on the Left ripoff. Oops. Not so fast bubba.

Can't say I hated it. Can't say it was good. But as they say, a sucker is born every minute.


Check out the trailer.

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  1. I just saw the trailer to this [I'm currently watching DANCE OF THE DEAD and it was before the film]. It looked like THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT meets THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE meets THE HILLS HAVE EYES. And they say originality is dead? Hah!

    Great review. I'll check this out and bore myself with this one at some point.

  2. I think Dance of the Dead is next on my list. Even Italians can ripoff and make remakes too.