Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Dard Divorce (Review)

Dard Divorce

Dard Divorce (2007)

Directed by Olaf Ittenbach

Before Uwe Boll made the words German + Director + Movie = an untouchable, horrible combination, there were a few awesome German directors that revolutionized the gore/splatter films of the 80s and 90s.

The trio of Jorg Buttgereit, Andreas Schnaas and Olaf Ittenbach were the masters of German horror.

Buttgereit is now irrelevant, Schnaas is still around having teamed with Troma for Nikos the Impaler but it's Olaf Ittenbach who has made the straight to DVD gorefest his playground. Call it gore-emax.

Since Ittenbach's gore masterpiece Premutos, he's regurgitated some awesome gore-a-paloozas but always with bad acting, a stupid plot and horrible editing and sound mixing. Mind you he's been the special effects guy for most of Boll's films so if he's been getting advice from Uwe, it's been SARS like. So infectious that it makes most of Ittenbach's films almost unwatchable.

I said almost.

Because you can't discount the gore factor. I've said it before, just like nudity, gore alone can't save a movie, no matter how good the splatter is.

Gratuitous nudity, splatter and gore and plot/acting/ending all have to be in sync for a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 ain't gonna cut it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What started with a routine divorce between Natalie Stein and her husband Tim, will soon take a turn into the unexpected and evolve into scenes of torture, bloodshed and slaughter.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you said to me what if Olaf Ittenbach made a torture porn movie I would have been fuckin excited. The torture and gore would be over the top and unbelievably bloody and realistic.

The only problem with Ittenbach doing torture porn is there is no plot in torture porn. The fact Ittenbach writes horrible scripts makes it more aggravating. He also casts people who can't act. I mean really can't act. I think he puts in his FX crew as actors. I'm serious.

C'mon Olaf, there's gotta be Nazi gold money to hire some real actors.

Natalie (played by Olaf's wife, Martina) is our main goody two shoes. Her German accent is so thick, one can barely understand the Germ-glish that she's trying to dialogue out. Why narrate a movie when we can barely understand it. It sounded like a McD's drive thru.

Ittenbach's plot is all over the place. It tries to be all Rashomon with some Pulp Fiction thrown in regarding some missing cocaine and a million dollars. But really, this is torture porn so let's just descrube the gore/splatter torture scenes.

1.) Pimp Hitman vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Repeated punches to the face
-Finger slicing
-Toe slicing
-Glass shrapnel dicing

Flashback highlights include:

-Chainsaw child-a-cide (extra awesomeness!)

2.) Daniel vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Daniel goes full frontal and dismembers a body
-Head decaps
-Arms and Legs decaps
-Torso decaps
-Ankle decaps
-Head decaps (via torture)
-Ocular trauma
-Hammer arm trauma
-Needle in the eye trauma
-Multiple OJ like stabbings

Flashback highlights include:

-Gunshot blast to the head (extra awesomeness!)
-Knife in the mouth
-Knife stabbings (x100)
-Meat cleaver to the neck
-Throat slicing
-Meat pounder to the face
-Intenstines gushing

That flashback is one of the best scenes in the movie, so check it out below.

You good? Is that enough? No need for a gore-ipedia for this review. Towards the end, the backround music got really loud and actually fucked up the dialogue that you could barely hear whats the actors were saying.

Seriously Olaf, WHAT THE FUCK??? The twist ending was outright predictable as we get a full reveal of whose pulling the strings but the fucked up sound editing made it so you couldn't even listen to whats being said.

The shitty plot, the horrible acting were bad enough. But fucked up sound editing? That's where I draw the fuckin line.

You can't argue with the gore. But you can argue with everything else. For your career Olaf, stop listening to Uwe Boll. And stop writing your own shit. And get some actors. Is that too much to ask?




  1. What's sad is that even after watching the clip I can't remember if I've actually seen this or not. I think I might have (I could have been drunk...) because it looks familiar, but a lot of Olaf's shit looks familiar to me.

  2. i agree with the sound throughout the movie and especially the ending, WHAT THE FUCK Olaf!!?

  3. ....This was the worst, pathetic piece of...movie i have ever seen, and i've seen it all.....Actingwise 0/10, Storywise 0/10, Plot -0/10, GFX 1/10, Sound -0/10 for the effort....Why did I watch Olaf's shit anyway....i know he sucks in everything he does.....
    Did you look at the expression on the faces of the mother and kids??? What the f*ck was up with that?? They didn't even try!! I want my money and 80+ minutes back!!!

  4. Sound editor needs the sack