Friday, December 26, 2008

Return to Sleepaway Camp (Review)

Return to Sleepaway Camp

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

Directed by Robert Hiltzik

How do you create a sequel to a 80s slasher movie that actually sucked but is only remembered because of the ending?

You know the one. The one with the girl penis and the gratuitous green tint.

You create a horror time warp slasher flick with cheese. That's the best way to describe Return to Sleepaway Camp.

It's a 21 st century Sleepaway but done in a throwback 80s sorta way. We are seeing grindhouse flicks being remade for millenials. Think of this as a 80s slasher flick for Gen Xers who remember Angela and her penis. But somehow it also wants the love of the horror remake Gen Y millenial fans.

Wow tall fuckin order.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

It's summer camp as usual at Camp Manabe where the kids torment each other for fun while the underpaid camp staff provides as little supervision as possible. Greedy camp owner Frank and junior partner Ronnie do their best to keep everyone in line, but something sinister is about to put a slash in the roster.

When campers and staff mysteriously begin disappearing and turning into gruesome corpses, paranoid Ronnie can't shake the memory of a series of grisly murders that took place at Camp Arawak, where he worked two decades earlier. Has a ghost from the past come back to haunt him?

As the paranoia worsens, Ronnie's list of possible killers starts growing just like the body count. Everyone becomes a suspect from vicious kids to shady members of the camp staff, and even former Camp Arawak camper Ricky who mysteriously works nearby.

Who is knocking off these victims and why? Only one thing is for certain, something is carving a bloody new trail at Sleepaway Camp where kids can be so mean and surviving this summer is gonna be a real killer!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's make this review simple.

Does the cruel acts perpetrated on our picked on, fat ass, nerdy, smelly victim Ronnie justify each of the corresponding, overelaborate, CGI a plenty kill scenes?

Ronnie is our poor victim. He's picked on by almost everybody. The camp staff, counselors and of course the campers.

Let's go examine this carefully shall we? (this is no particular order and with my bad one line quips)

Cruelaity #1

Alan (a staff member) ridicules and belittles Ronnie at every moment.

The Comeback Kill

Alan becomes the unfortunate victim of penis fishing as his wanker is ripped off by some fishing line attached to a jeep. (that's gonna be some bait!)

Cruelaity #2

Bella (a fat Queen Latifah camper) spitballs, makes fun of and teases Ronnie.

The Comeback Kill

She gets holey as she is killed by a bed of nails. (Holey Cow! get it?)

Cruelaity #3

Mickey (the cook) throws eggs at Ronnie.

The Comeback Kill

Mickey gets medievaled and his head is boiled in some cooking oil. (Would you like fries with that?)

Cruelaity #4

Michael (Ronnie's stepbrother) threatens and teases Ronnie and later starts beating the shit out of him with a mallet.

The Comeback Kill

Skinned alive (booyah!)

Cruelaity #6

Weed (the resident stoner) and other campers trick Ronnie into smoking a joint filled with dried cow manure, then proceed to call him Blowjob at every waking moment.

The Comeback Kill

Weed has a hose attached to a gasoline pump and ingests a stomach full of gas then smokes up a joint which flames him alive. (Light it up motherfucker!)

Cruelaity #7

TC (our resident asshole camper) gives Ronnie a wedgie, tricks him to be naked on stage in front of the camp and has the entire boy camp paintball him into oblivion.

The Comeback Kill

TC gets impaled in the eye by a wooden pole (There is no "eye" in team!)

Cruelaity #8

Frank (the new owner) does nothing to stop Ronnie's torment.

The Comeback Kill

Frank has a birdcage locked on his head. The killer open up the bird cage, places 2 rats inside and locks it. The rats then eat through his head and exit through his intestines. (You dirty rat!)

So if thought my puns were bad, this movie is just as bad. But thats the thing. The kills are 80s funny, the teasing and torment are there to justify the stupid kills.

The 80s were filled with really bad slasher flicks, Friday the 13th knockoffs and ridiculous slashers that had way too much time coming up with elaborate death kills. Return to Sleepaway Camp, for all its crapiness, is cheesy enough to honor this 80s slasher knockoff genre.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

See above

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

One blonde girl had big boobies but you see nada

WTF moment

Where is my out of leftfield ending??? Fuckin negative zero.And it wasn't even that subtle.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Felissa Rose makes a sorta cameo. So does Isaac Hayes (in his last movie ever) And original director Hiltzik is back honoring is now infamous classic. As I do own the entire Sleepaway camp series (yes, there was a Part II and III), I'm partial to this sorta cheesiness. I don't know why.

Camp movies fall victim to the colorful teenage stereotypes and like Jason Voorhees, they all have a innocent victim that becomes prey to the cruel kids and their wickedness.

We all can't become unstoppable killing machines like Jason, but we can get get our slashing done in some other way. And that's why this was actually watchable...sorta.

Most people say this flick sucks but does it suck more than let's say when a certain Platinum Dunes company rapes my horror childhood and remakes fuckin everything?

Even my beloved Jason.

At least the original director and cast came back for this one. That may not being saying much, but hey, it's the effort that counts.


The Trailer

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1 comment:

  1. Not being a fan of the series (I only saw this one and the 1st one) I actually enjoyed this one, for what it was - your review was dead-on!