Monday, January 12, 2009

Perkins 14 (Review)

Perkins 14

Perkins 14 (2009)

Directed by Craig Singer

**Opening Disclaimer**

It took me a total of 7 hours to watch Perkins 14. Yes, you read that right....7 FUCKIN HOURS!!!

Fuck you AMC theatres!

Let me tell you about my experience watching Perkins 14 which in a nutshell turned out to be the single worst movie theatre going experience I've ever evaaaaaaaaaaar had.

The AMC on 11th and 3rd in NYC is the only theatre showing all the After Dark movies. The times are staggered, and me and Insano Steve were forced to view a 11:45am showing.

Mind you that's a little early for me to go see horror. I like to watch my horror late at night, sometimes intoxicated, but mostly when my brain needs to go all relaxo.

The time aside, it also happened to be snowing and freezing in NYC which added to the difficult mode of seeing this hyped up flick.

But I support indie horror and I would trudge on and give this film a chance.

Then all hell broke loose.

Here is a log of what happened.

11:25am (EST): Insano Steve and me check out the crowd around theatre for this goddamn early show. I say "I think most of these people are in the movie". He says "No way".

Turns out I'm right as the director, Craig Singer, crew and some of the actors (Mihaela Mihut,Michal Graves and others) are attending the viewing.

That made this actually cool.

11:35am: Trailers start up......but upside down. Plus the audio seems to be going all Satanic verse backwards. Wow that was weird.

11:45am: Movie starts up. People applaud. I'm getting psyched.

11:55am: 10 minutes into the movie it starts showing up UPSIDE DOWN AGAIN!!!!! And I'm viewing a scene 20 minutes into the future. And the audio is all backwards fucked up again.


They stop the movie and everybody groans. People are talking and a few of the actors are talking about their scenes. I listen in. It's like DVD commentary live.

AMC says they are working on it. They say it should be ready in 5 minutes which was 30 minutes ago.

12:15pm: Still no movie

12:45pm: Uhh no movie.

1:15pm: Fuckity fuck. Where the hell is the movie? Fix this shit already.

1:45pm: They tell us a projectionist is coming in to fix this. Something to do with cassettes and reels. WA WA WA WA (Peanuts adult voice)

2:15pm: They tell us the movie is all fucked up. They are going to need a few hours to fix and they tell us to come back at 5pm. People are angry. I'm about to explode. It's been more than a hour and they still haven't gotten this shit fixed.

- - - - Thought bubble - - - -
I got a threshold for the abuse that I will take. Now, right now, I'm a fuckin' race car, right, and you got me the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a race car in the fuckin' red. That's all. I could blow.
- - - - End Thought bubble - - - -

2:30pm: IS and I go eat lunch at a Cajun place. I have chicken fried steak. It's yummy. We discuss Man vs Food. It's an enlightening conversation.

4:00pm: We go to our favorite video store which I find out is moving to a new location. 30% discount on porn and all the other movies. Everything is still expensive.

5:00pm: We return and wait for the second viewing to start. Theatre is kinda empty. A few people I saw earlier have come back. The rest have totally bailed.

5:10pm: Some guy in the front row is snoring.....really loudly. Somebody should wake him up. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wake up!!!!

5:15pm: Movie starts up right where we got cut off. Cool, we shouldn't have any problems now......
6:08pm: FUCKITY FUCKERS!!!!! The movie is upside down again!!!!!???!?? You gotta be fuckin kidding me. They did it again??? Fuck you.

6:12pm: People are pissed. A guy flicks and curses at the projectionist. I want to find the manager and yell colorful profanities. They chime in that it will be fixed in 15 minutes which was 30 minutes ago. I am never going to an AMC theatre again.

7:00pm-ish: Movie ends. Credits roll. Thank goodness.

7:12pm: I find a manager and withhold the inner green Hulk monster in me. I demand I get compensation for this utter horrible experience. Manager seems snippy but finally caves and gives Insano Steve and I free passes.

7:13pm: We get the fuck out of Dodge as quick as fuckin possible.

You still there?

OK, my bad let me go on to the review which I will try to be objective about even though all that shit happened.

**The Actual Review**

Perkins 14 I thought was going to be the best of the 8 movies in this year's After DarkHorrorfest. It's hype is legendary as it proclaimed this was: a film invented, written, cast, voted for, chosen and created by YOU.

The film was developed by Writers submitted story ideas, audition tapes were uploaded and the cast and winning story were chosen. Webisodes were aired on the site and YouTube to give you a peek into the production. All gimmicky devices to make sure you were informed of YOUR movie.

The plot was the most inventive it seemed and the poster chosen was a throwback to the glory grindhouse days.

So with all this, Perkins 14 had a lot to live up to. Did it do it?

Well it is what it is. A decent horror movie, with some grey characters, good amounts of gore and splatter and some suspense thrown in.

It's a credit to the indie horror scene on how this movie was created and made. The movie itself on the other hand is nothing short of mediocre. And mediocrity may actual be failure when you hype up the movie this much.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (from the official site)

Years ago on a calm, dark night, Dwayne Hopper's life was shattered when his young son Kyle was abducted from his bedroom and disappeared without a trace. Kyle was the the final victim in a string of fourteen local disappearances. Dwayne, his wife Janine and daughter Daisy were forced to abandon hope that he would one day be found.

10 years later...Dwayne remains on the police force, but his family life has crumbled around him. Janine has lost faith in her husband just as Daisy has lost faith in her parents. One fateful night, Dwayne's suspicions are aroused when he notices striking similarities between a current inmate (Perkins), and the purported culprit behind the abductions.

Upon investigation, Dwayne discovers proof of Perkins' guilt during a tense search of the suspect's basement. In a fit of rage, Dwayne kills Perkins, but unbeknownst to him, the fourteen missing victims are very much alive. During captivity, they were dehumanized and trained to kill at random. Perkins' murder ignites a wave of carnage which sweeps across the entire town, with Dwayne's own son as one of the marauding psychopaths.

The Hopper family winds up taking refuge in a barricaded police station - but no walls are able to keep pure evil from breaking through. Dwayne and his family are caught up in a terrifying struggle for survival which pits them against a horde of brainwashed, bloodthirsty, "creatures." Who will survive the night?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Perkins 14 has a interesting premise but it seems it went about it the wrong way. It's your typical kinetic alive brainwashed zombies attacking our brave hero cop and his family. What it should have been was a movie about each of the 14 people who were kidnapped and what Perkins did to them. How do you turn a normal kid into a bloody thirsty monster? Doesn't that sound waaay better?

Dwayne Hopper (Patrick O'Kane) is our hero cop and he has a wife (Mihaela Mihut) and daughter Daisy (Shayla Beesley). Each of these characters has some arcs in the movie as Dwayne investigates Perkins, his wife seems to be having an affair and the daughter wants to fuck this musician.

The movie starts up slow, with the first half teetering on character development. As Hopper interrogates Perkins, we finally get motive on why Perkins did what he did. But he is executed which to me didn't make sense.

Why would you kill off Perkins in the middle of the movie? He's the main adversary. Seemed anti climactic to just bullet in the brain him. There's always a super evil killer boss and his minions. The second half just had minions.

That's a major plot hiccup.

But the second half of the movie picks up speed and we get some awesome carnage by both Hopper and the 14. In one scene, an ocular trauma by Hopper's wife Janine has her taking a piece of glass ans sticking it into the eye of of 1 of the 14 psychopaths.

A few of the kill scenes are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.

We also get lots of running and chasing, mostly in the pitch black dark. It's really hard to watch darkness unless it's on BluRay. I know, I know....darkness adds the scary. But if you can't even see the scary, um it's not gonna be scary.

The movie goes editing crazy, with some quick cuts and dissolves and fades. It was an arsenal on the eyes and sort of took away from a more suspenseful approach.

I wasn't expecting the ending I got which was a downer. Downer endings are better endings in my book anyway.

Perkins 14 was at best a grindhouse horror flick with the potential-ality to be something really good. But it's greatest strength will always be the way it was created, with the horror fans participating in its production. It's a first in our Web 2.0 world to make a horror movie this way and it's a credit to all involved.

Perkins 14 knocked on the door but didn't have the "oooooomph" to push it down.

That's too bad.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Ocular trauma
Bullet in the brain
Intenstinal munchies
Finger nail scratching
Slicing and dicing
Random bloodletting and gore

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)


WTF moment

The second time the fuckin movie fucked up and went all upside down.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Do you want me to say go check out Perkins 14 this week? Maybe it's better than say Butterfly Effect or it could be worse than Dying Breed. I really don't know.

It's a run of the mill horror movie, not PG-13 and has a few choice cuts of bloody goodness.

If that's good enough, see it. If it's not, you got 7 others to choose from.

Pick wisely.


The Trailer

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  1. WOW - I came on here to check out your top 10 horror films of '08, and I got this horrific story instead - you win, hands down, for worst theatrical experience ever! [plus I'm sure the cast/crew weren't too happy about how things went down]


  2. Yeah the cast and crew were apologizing to all of us. I mean this was the actors and crew's first chance to see their film on the big screen and AMC theater just destroyed that.

    The film itself was ok. But it's hard to separate the film from what I went through.

  3. Your theater story seems better than the film. Damn. I was looking forward to this film with the interesting plot and all.

  4. This movie was crap. The director needs to learn that a movie isn't fucking MTV.

    And downer endings are better endings? How about "decent endings are better endings?" Always wanting a downer ending is what makes horror shit any more. No movie can just have an ending, it's always gotta be a sequel setup.

  5. Anony - I agree. But as for the ending, a downer ending doesn't necessarily mean a sequel set up. Laid to Rest has a downer ending for me and it works.

  6. You are obviously clueless.