Blood Manor (Review) (NYC Haunted House 2011)

Like a blockbuster summer movie, there are certain haunted houses you need to go to. As one of the most famous haunted houses in NYC, Blood Manor has gotten its reputation as the ultimate BOO! haunted house and it's well earned (see my past reviews from 2009 and 2010). It's full of elaborate, breathtaking sets, actors full of mischief and high tech wizardry. Year after year, Jimmy Lorenzo, Jim Faro and Mike Rodriguez amplify the experience of Blood Manor by tweaking the scare-o-meter and hiring a next generation of actors (half of them are new this year) who can appear stealthy but also get in your face.

What's also new is their location. Previously on 29th St, they are now in a new home on 163 Varick Street (in Soho). The new place has more space for the large crowds and lines as well as more space to unveil their colorful and creepy rooms. You cannot gauge what it takes to make Blood Manor happen. I attended on the 2nd night after they opened and the lines were extremely long already. But Blood Manor makes sure you won't get bored on line. A few lunatics that have escaped from the asylum keep the crowd entertained. Their costumes ranged from a cute girl from a Tim Burton film, a deranged carnie and a tall creature stalking on stilts. They also have a various acts of the freaky variety in a makeshift stage near the entrance. It helps pass the time as you wait.

I got to go backstage and behind the scenes and the level of makeup and costumes is overwhelming. Every actor is dressed in sleek outfits and their makeup is the equivalent of big budget movies. The level of organization to get this show up and running is carefully crafted and one can imagine the timing needed for it all.

With my friend "S" in tow and having met a fellow writer also covering haunted houses, the experience of Blood Manor is clearly one you have to create yourself. By that I mean here are some suggestions of the things you can do to get the best out of it.

• Take your time in each room. The sets are there to be admired and if you rush, you are going to miss the level of detail that Blood Manor has put into it. Each room is carefully crafted for maximum creepy. There are even some in-jokes and if you carefully explore your surroundings the scares will be amplified.
• Interact with the actors. Sure they're going to come out of nowhere to scare you but when they talk to you, you can talk to them. I usually answer their questions, insert a joke of my own and have a few comebacks as well. They will respond in kind and it makes each room more fun.
• You don't necessarily have to be in front to be the one that gets the BOO! Sometimes being in the back of the pack will pack a punch with the scary. By being in the back you'll get to admire the rooms more and not be rushed to go to the next room.
  
• Talk to the strangers in line with you and in your group. You're all here for the same thing and the more you know about who you're going with, the more fun it will be.

The Rooms

A new twist starts off your journey as darkness plays a role as you enter Blood Manor. The rooms seem to be more claustrophobic this time around and the sets seem closer than ever before. You'll be greeted by such ghostly characters as a bride and groom and demons from the netherworld. What struck me this time around were the animatronics. They popped out at just the perfect times and telling the difference between what was a living breathing actor from a high tech contraption was part of the surprise.

Your favorites are back as Freddy Kreuger and Leatherface make appearances. At times it seemed Freddy was stalking me from room to room. The most memorable rooms were clearly the "Boiler Room" with a poor victim caged by a malevolent psycho and the "Cabaret of Death". Scantily clad dancers from hell used stripper poles and they were targeting the men. I was asked by a demon pimp if I wanted to take these she-devils home. I asked how much and was told "my soul" (that's way to much for me).

The new gimmicks involved a Wall Crawler who makes full use of his access to scare you and I believe a wolf jungle room as well as a zombie apocalypse that mashes into the mix. I've always liked the Frankenstein room as the bride always puts on a deathly good show. But the highlight as it was last year is the 3D. It's back again but this time it's longer and has a new ending. It's one of the more visually stimulating things one can do and never gets old.

Because Blood Manor is the most popular of the NYC Haunted Houses, the lines are painfully long. The investment of a R.I.P. (VIP) ticket will speed up the process. I've always said, the pacing of Blood Manor has to be addressed. Sometimes if you're too fast, you don't get to enjoy the perks of interacting with the actors and admiring the rooms. You'll sometimes (depending on how scared you are) bump into the group that went ahead of you. If you're to slow, the group behind you catches up. A balance has to be found so that each visitor can get the most out of BM.
With that, you want to actually get scared and with groups of 6, it might be too much humanity as the rooms are that much tighter. I would recommend groups of 4. The problem is they have to get everybody into the haunted house as fast as possible with crowds this large which is understandable. Hopefully they can work the logistics better as Halloween approaches.

Blood Manor is probably the perfect haunt for that group scare. I even saw a maybe 10-13 year old kid so even the whole family can get its chills on. Lots of discounts can be found online and if your a tween, teenager or full grown adult, there is something for everyone at Blood Manor. Remember my suggestions and you'll have a Halloween-tastic time.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter
• Blood Manor is located at 163 Varick Street (Soho) Subway: 1 Train to Houston St or C/E to Spring St.
• General Admission tickets are $25 online, $35 at the door and R.I.P. tickets are $40
• Blood Manor runs until 11/5/11.
• Special Thanks to Jim Faro, Jimmy Rodriguez and BullsEye PR for their time!
• See more backstage photos of Blood Manor at the jaded viewer Facebook page!
  

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Did you go to Blood Manor? Leave your thoughts and comments here!

Categories: 3d, blood manor, blood manor review, halloween, happy halloween, haunted house, new york city, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, nyc horror

The Awesome Gimmicks of William Castle

With the resurgence of overly expensive 3-D, I thought it'd be fun to talk about the pre-3D gimmicks of one William Castle. Castle directed many notable horror films with circus-y gimmicks that amplified the experiences for certain audiences.

For you vets, there is no need to explain the brilliance of Castle's gimmicks, but noobs...read on. All of gimmicks listed are from Wikipedia.


1.) "Insured by Death by Fright"

Macabre (1958): A certificate for a $1,000 life insurance policy from Lloyd's of London was given to each customer in case he/she should die of fright during the film





2.) "Emergo"

House on Haunted Hill (1959): Filmed in "Emergo". An inflatable glow in the dark skeleton attached to a wire floated over the audience during the final moments of some showings of the film to parallel the action on the screen when a skeleton arose from a vat of acid and pursued the villainous wife of Vincent Price.[4] The gimmick did not always instill fright; sometimes the skeleton became a target for some audience members who hurled candy boxes, soda cups or any other objects at hand at the skeleton





3.) "Percepto"

The Tingler (1959): Filmed in "Percepto". In the film a docile creature that lives in the spinal cord is activated by fright, and can only be destroyed by screaming. In the film's finale one of the creatures removed from the spine of a mute woman killed by it when she was unable to scream is let loose in a movie theatre. Some seats in theatres showing the Tingler were equipped with larger versions of the hand-held joy buzzers attached to the underside of the seats. When the Tingler in the film attacked the audience the buzzers were activated as a voice encouraged the real audience to "Scream - scream for your lives."





4.) "Illusion-O"

13 Ghosts (1960): Filmed in "Illusion-O". A hand held ghost viewer/remover with strips of red and blue cellophane was given out to use during certain segments of the film. By looking through either the red or blue cellophane the audience was able to either see or remove the ghosts if they were too frightening





5.) "Fright Break"

Homicidal (1961): This film contained a "Fright break" with a 45 second timer overlaid over the film's climax as the heroine approached a house harboring a sadistic killer. A voiceover advised the audience of the time remaining in which they could leave the theatre and receive a full refund if they were too frightened to see the remainder of the film. To ensure the more wily patrons did not simply stay for a second showing and leave during the finale Castle had different color tickets printed for each show.[8] In a trailer for the film, Castle explained the use of the Coward's Certificate and admonished the viewer to not reveal the ending of the film to friends, "or they will kill you. If they don't, I will."





6.) "The Punishment Poll"

Mr. Sardonicus (1961): In this gothic tale set in 1880 London a baron's face is frozen into a permanent grotesque hideous smile after digging up his father's grave to retrieve a lottery ticket left in the pocket of his father's jacket. The audiences were allowed to vote in a "punishment poll" during the climax of the film - Castle himself appears on screen to explain to the audience their options. Each member of the audience was given a card with a glow in the dark thumb they could hold either up or down to decide if Mr. Sardonicus would be cured or die during the end of the film. Supposedly, no audience ever offered mercy so the alternate ending was never screened.





Castle had other gimmicks but these seemed to be the best of the bunch. Castle's filmography is filled with a variety of films ranging from horror to drama. But he is ever known as the PT Barnum of movies.

3-D may be the gimmick of today but the past was indeed the golden age of gimmicky cinema.

Which William Castle gimmick is your favorite?

Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, movie gimmicks, william castle

Piranha 3D (Review)

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D (2010)

Directed by Alexandre Aja

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve who "copped a feel" from a 3D boob]

After the disaster that was 'My Bloody Valentine 3D', I was totally over the whole 3D craze. But as usually is the case with me, I never learn.

Reading all the great reviews for 'Pirahna 3D', really got me excited. So hyped up in fact, I made it a point to see it while it was still in theaters, in order to experience it in all of it's 3 dimensional glory.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's break this down to easily digestible morsels of awesomeness.

Plot: Spring breakers descend upon Lake Havasu for their annual drunken debauchery. Hot on the trail is a sleazy 'Girls Gone Wild'-like movie producer (played by the awful Jerry O'Connell). Jerry is led around by a local teenager who knows the area. A recent seismic event has awakened a prehistoric form of super piranha in the lake. Much much teenage death and dismemberment ensues.

Could prehistoric piranha possibly be living in a subterranean lake underneath Lake Havasu? Um, probably not. But those teenagers must die, and this is the reason.

3D: Let's just get this out of the way. The 3D helps a little bit but definitely nothing dramatic. Some of the gore looks different with the help of the 3 dimensions, but I don't really think I would have enjoyed this any less in 2D.

Gore: Now this is where this movie excels. The surreal ending when the full scale piranha attack comes is unforgettable. The entire student body screaming in pain as half eaten bodies are dragged to shore and the entire lake literally overflows with blood, reminds me of why I watch horror in the first place. Good times.

Here's my Top 5 favorite kills from the movie (SPOILER ALERT:)

5.) The annoying Eli Roth is rescued out of the water onto a boat. But whoops, Eli forgot the lower half of his body in the water! That's gotta hurt.

4.) A wire that holds up the stage that the strippers dance on snaps. This broken wire proceeds to snap back and slice a buxom co-ed completely in half (right between the cleavage!) Best large breasted kill in the movie.

3.) One of the 'Girls Gone Wild' ends up underneath the boat. One enterprising piranha decides to swim into her vagina and literally eats it's way out of her, exiting through her mouth. Superb creativity.

2.) Probably everrybody else's favorite kill is poor Jerry O'Connell getting brutally eaten alive, and most painfully, losing his penis in the struggle. The 2 pirahna subsequently fighting over his severed member definitely provides a good laugh.

1.) My personal favorite doesn't directly involve the piranha and is not even a confirmed death. A co-ed struggling to swim to shore gets her hair caught in the outboard motor of a boat. The motor continues to run, pulling her hair so hard that it pulls off her entire face! This is as good as it gets people!

T&A: So much tit. So much ass. In 3D. Give credit to the director for getting well endowed females to bare all here. Piranha 3D definitely delivered on the nudity. This was the first movie I've seen with model, Kelly Brook. It was well worth the wait. She plays another Girl Gone Wild. And yes, she gets naked.

WTF moment

Paying $16.50

The Insano Steve's Final Prognosis

In conclusion, hey a 3D horror movie can be good after all. As long as it is good as a 2D movie first. Don't be fooled just by the 3D part. Although, something must be done about the pricing. $16.50 for a 3D movie makes these things hard to recommend.

But in the end, if you know what to expect here (a fun gore-filled teenage t&a slaughter fest), well then Piranha 3D delivers on that. Whether that means I'll go see Piranha 4D (or whatever they call the sequel), that remains to be seen, .....

Rating:
Check out the trailer below!





Ving Rhames slaughters fishies



Piranha 3D Chew on this
Uploaded by teasertrailer. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

NSFW Wild Wild Girls Trailer (or I love boobies)

Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, gore, gratuitous nudity, piranha 3d, piranha 3d trailer, porn stars, splatter, ving rhames

This is the only reason they are remaking Deadly Friend in 3D

Have you seen Wes Craven's Deadly Friend? Probably not. And you're not alone. I've seen it but it's been a while since I remembered while it's memorable. Well of course! It's the infamous basketball death scene which sticks out like Shaquille O'Neal at a little people convention. I posted the basketball scene a while back and now with news that Deadly Friend will be remade in 3D (which I freakin Nostradmused that would happen), the basketball scene is the #1 reason why its going to be in 3D.

So I pose the question: Can one scene warrant a 3D Hollywood remake?

You be the judge. Watch it below.




I mean that scene is awesome right? Did Hollywood actually do what I think it did?

Did they see this one scene on YouTube and some exec was like: "Holy Eli Roth! That scene is fuckin the shit! Let's remake this movie immediately!!!!"

Umm, that's exactly what they did.

The only reason why Deadly Friend was remotely interesting was the uber hotness of Kristy Swanson and our 80s obsession with everything robotic. I mean we all know about Chopping Mall right?

Even the premise is completely ridiculous.

Paul is a new kid in town with a robot named "BB". He befriends Samantha and the three of them have a lot of good times together. That is, until Samantha's abusive father throws her down some stairs and kills her. In an effort to save her life, Paul implants BB's computer brain into Samantha's human brain

So what else could they steal from the original and make it burst from the screen? How about glass through the stomach? You want that shit in 3D don't you???




That not enough? How about one of the Sam killing her dad? (FF >> 3:55) See that shovel throw (its going to be awesome in 3D!!) , wrist snapping in 3D (soo cool!), strangulation comin right atcha!





And of course the ending is ripe for some 3D-ness.




This is movie has so many potential 3D moments, I can't believe they didn't think of doing this sooner (umm that was all sarcasm my horror minions)

I am 100% sure the basketball scene is why we're getting this entire movie in 3D. The movie is about killer robot!!! A Yellow killer robot!

It's not going to be too long until they remake Night of the Comet and Chopping Mall as well. It's scary when I'm too psychic for my own good.

Categories: 1980 cult classic, 1980s horror, 3d, 3d horror movies, 80s horror, deadly friend, robots, Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

My 12 cents on the Piranha 3D Teaser Trailer

So the Piranha 3D Teaser is out. If you haven't seen, you can watch it below. Insano Steve and I talked yesterday on remakes and his thoughts were Hollywood should make remakes on bad movies and not GOOD movies. I agree.

Remake Phantasm or Leprechaun or some other crappy movie. But leave the Elm Streets alone.
In any case, Piranha is one that I guess should be remade because....

a.) Nobody saw the original
b.) You can showcase Spring break boobage
c.) Hire decent actors playing rubbery stereotypical characters
d.) See mother fuckin piranhas in a mother fuckin lake

OK here be the trailer.





OK let's start to shred this one with random thoughts shall we?

0:00-0:20

Fake James Cameron 3D PSA is a nice touch. You didn't fool me!

0:23

Boobs!!!

0:24

Is Lake Victoria right by Amity Island?

0:27

Trampoline bouncy boobs!!!

0:30

Gratuitous Eli Roth cameo. Where's your heterosexual lifemate Quentin?

0:32

Cheerleader boobies!!!

0:35

Gratuitous Kawasaki motorcycle product placement

0:39

Why is their an old hag in Spring Break? Die bitch die!!

0:46

Elizabeth Shue is still looking hawt...but nobody is going to listen to you unless you show your boobs.

0:47

Ving Rhames. You ain't know Samuel L.

0:48

Is that a Richard Dreyfus cameo? Dude the lake you want is down the road.

0:55

That's some mutant fuckin piranha...I think its got a laser beams attached to its head

1:02

Listen to Doc Brown...he's smart!!

1:07

Jet ski vs boat (its no zombie vs shark)

1:16

HA ha! I knew those piranha had laser beams attached to their heads. They just caused a boat to explode!

1:22

This shits going to be awesome in 2D!!! Umm I mean 3D!

Thoughts on this one? Please share. I hope the sequel has ill-tempered mutated sea bass. They're more deadly than this weak piranha bullshit.

Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, eli roth, piranha 3d, piranha 3d trailer, ving rhames

Last Call (The First Interactive horror movie in theaters...wait say what?)

Well you probably all heard about this little gimmicky horror movie from the coverage last week. If you didn't head over to Dread Central or Horror Squad for more info.

Basically 13th Street Films (a company based out of Germany) is promoting the first interactive horror film where a theater-goer gets a call from the protagonist and he or she helps the final girl make decisions in the movie in real time.

Read this:

The first interactive horror movie in the world where the audience is able to communicate with the protagonist. A film controlled by a member of the audience, thus blurring the boundaries between game and film. Language recognition software transforms the participant's answers via mobile phone into specific instructions. A specially developed software then processes these commands and launches an appropriate follow-up scene.

The dialogue between the movie's main actress and an audience member leads to a different film - and outcome - every time: sometimes with a happy end, sometimes with a more gruesome one. To participate in the adventure, audience members submit their mobile phone numbers to a speed dial code when they buy their tickets.

The moment the female protagonist takes out her phone to call someone who might be able to help her, the film's controlling software contacts one of the submitted mobile phone numbers. Once the viewer picks up, he hears the actress's voice - who tells him she would be lost without him. He has to help her escape by choosing a path through the old, rundown sanatorium.

Furthermore, he also decides whether she should help other victims to flee the scene - and every single choice shapes her fate: it's a matter of life and death.

OK, got all that? Now check out the trailer.




Hmmmm interesting in that "this is sooo gonna be abused" sorta way. It's not the first to do a choose your own adventure sorta thing. Interactive DVDs have been out for a while...hell even porn DVDs have "various interactivity". This prompts a few questions.

Sure, I think Germans would follow the instructions to the tee. Maybe even the Brits, Aussies and Canadians too would participate in an orderly way. But give an American the option to fuck up would be victim in a horror movie and it can only turn out completely fucked up. I think it would turn out to be a disaster where we'd get some jabroni mess up the movie for everybody else. We'd get exchanges like this.

Final Girl: "Go up or down?"
American jabroni phone counterpart: "Take off your top and let me see your titties"

Final Girl: "Help or flee"
American jabroni phone counterpart: "Fuck him, get the fuck out of their girl and run for your life! Get me 6 pack of Bud if you can."

See? We can't get anything nice. It would turn into a complete mockery. Imagine the douchebag asshole getting chosen or Ms. Joanna Moviegoer making all the wrong decisions. You'd get tons of people yelling at you what to do. It would be mad chaos I tell you. People running around in the theater and the worst thing that would come out of this would be......

Everybody's phone would turned on during the movie!!!!

Can you imagine?

OK maybe I'm being a little down on us Americans but you know how it is. Even during a regular horror movie, people be yelling shit at the screen. And what happens if your suggestions after the movie in a bad way? Can it actually do that? Can you get her killed? Wouldn't you want that outcome instead of a daring escape?

So this leads to whether or not your advice actually affects the story in anyway. How many different outcomes could their be in such a interactive movie? Lots of questions on this.

You gotta love horror genre because it's a pure testing ground for all that is movie gimmicks. Like William Castle's "Percepto" vision where seats "tingled" while watching The Tingler or the advent of 3-D which turned that invention into mainstreaminess, horror is the testing ground of these ideas. Horror movies always embraced the 3D where the other genres (other than sci-fi) thought it had no real value.

So, horror minions....could this actually work? What do you all think?

Categories: 13th street films, 2010 horror movies, 3d, 3d horror movies, interactive horror movie, last call

The WTF List: Avatar Edition

So on a cold, frigid day last week I went to see the overly hyped, groundbreaking behemoth that is Avatar. What can you say that hasn't been said already? I dug the Real D awesomeness but the story was equivalent to a high school film club pitching potential Star Trek episode ideas.

Insano Steve said it best. It's the same rehashed story they use for every other movie. Dumb, stoopid guy has to join group and learn their ways. Meets girl. Likes girl. Gets in fight with girl's pseudo BF (he's a douche) and pseudo BF makes fun of guy. Girl sees this. He wins girl. Big fight ensues. He has to choose old culture or new culture. He chooses new culture. The End.

But damn those effects are spec-fuckin-tacular. So without further ado, it's the WTF list: Avatar Edition! Spoilers Ahoy.

1.) Really? 5 3D previews in a row? Jeezus...those piranhas look fake
2.) I haven't even put on my Real D glasses and I have a headache already
3.) Well, color me impressed. The virtual displays look holodecky
4.) Damn, these be tall motherfuckers
5.) Have we not learned from our mistakes? Guess not. USA! USA! USA!
6.) I am mesmerized by colorful, spinning bugs
7.) Dude! I see Na'vi boobage!
8.) So are there like Samoan, fat Na'vi?
9.) This is reminding me of the time Sigourney Weaver tried saving Gorillas in the Mist
10.) These rhino-elephant creatures are very awe-ish. So is the rainbow plant life.
11.) Giovanni Ribisi is the best overacting actor of our generation
12.) Dude, it's like Top Gun but with dragony creatures. Maverick this is Goose...
13.) Holy Shit! They gonna do it!!! They gonna hook up their tentacles, use a condom bro
14.) The whole Native American angle is a bit overused...couldn't we just give them some whiskey and wait a few generations (oh snap! He just didn't say that)
15.) Ewoks vs Empire all over again...and yet somehow we all believe this is plausible
16.) Great job USA, you blew up a tree. Pat yourself on the back.
17.) So is Jake Sully....Obama or am I reading too much in to this. You the chosen one!
18.) Well this be my first 3D action flick and I'm loving every minute of it
19.) Damn, America can't even win a war in a movie, we suck
20.) I now have a slight headache but I'll admit Avatar is very breathtaking visually

21.) FYI. Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top is visually yumminess

If I have to give this a spinkick rating it be 3. I mean the last 3D flick I saw was My Bloody Valentine and the gimmick use of this format in that flick was slightly entertaining.

But James Cameron seems like the guy to be the chosen one to lead us into this new tech. I mean he made tall, blue smurfs look and feel "real". And you gotta give him his props. But that's the thing. Even the Star Wars fans know Lucas can't write or pen any sensible dialogue and Cameron seems to suffer from "Dialogue and plot may be regurgitated but this shit be in 3D!".

Avatar is simply visual eye candy that has pushed the envelope that we will now all be watching movies in funny sunglasses for the foreseeable future. Sigh.

Categories: 3d, avatar, my bloody valentine 3D, the wtf list

My Bloody Valentine 3D (Review)

My Bloody Valentine 3D

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Directed by Patrick Lussier

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who threw his 3D glasses at the screen at the end of the movie]

So, last week I saw "My Bloody Valentine" (in amazing 3D!). The thing is, I should know better, and I really do know better.

But I just can't help it. I'm hype's bitch.

The deal was the jaded viewer and I would go see either "Notorious" or this shit, whichever one got better reviews. Surprisingy, Valentine won 58% to 53%.

This movie was selling out theatres, which is quite rare for horror. However, that is actually a bad sign. Any horror movie that can cross over and appeal to mainstream viewers is likely gonna be cheezy and dumb, with all those WB-type actors. But hey man, .... this shit's in 3D!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

"Plot": 10 years ago, the usual ignorant teens are getting drunk in a mine, when some psycho miner kills a bunch of them and leaves the rest scarred for life. The cops kill psycho, but the town's kinda small and shitty so they never got over it.

One of the surviving teens, Tom, freaks out, and leaves town. The "actor" who plays Tom is just awful. Anyhow, 10 years later (hey, that's present day!), Tom comes back to the shit-town, to try to hook up with his old girlfriend, who's now married to the douchebag sheriff.

But alas, as soon as Tom returns, people start getting killed again, miner-style.

Did the psycho rise from the dead? Could the killer be Tom or the douche sheriff? Maybe the black deputy is the killer? Has the killer EVER been a black guy? Is Tom the worst fucking actor I've ever seen? Will we get to see tits in 3D?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's take a look at the only three (3D!) things to know about this movie:

1.) T&A (aka Nud-ipedia)

First off, in a slasher movie like this, no amount of T&A is 'gratuitious'. Quite to the contrary, it is in fact essential to the movie's success. Here, we get a mildly attractive blonde who is buck naked her entire time on screen (top and bottom!), which is quite funny when you think of it. Alas, she is the only 3 dimensional breasts we get to see.

The problem I had here was, if you were going to promise the audience 3D tits, you really want them to be a spectacular pair. Instead, we get a B cup. You would think they could find something better bouncing around Hollywood. Besides that, nobody else got naked.

The douchebag sheriff's mistress, Megan, is pretty hot but she is unfortunately clothed throughout. The survivor girl, Jaime King (who is famous though I'm not sure why), is 30 years old, and she looks it. And as we all know by now, the survivor girl is never hot, and she never gets naked. Though I get the feeling she probably could've played the hot slut girl 5-10 years ago.

Thankfully, there are no scenes of man ass in this, which has become a disturbing trend in recent films. What I don't understand is, why it's always gotta be a survivor girl?

Why no survivor dude?

If a slasher stalked another dude, would that make him gay? Are there gay slasher films? Some kinda psycho-social symbolism I'm missing here.

2) Gore (aka Goreipedia)

This flick delivers some decent kills. The psycho miner guy uses his ax/pick thing to fuck up the towns folk pretty good. A little variety in killing tools would've been nice, but I suspect they were trying to franchise this series and the weapon had to be really branded (a sequel is shamelessly hinted at).

There's a bunch of evisceration as you'd expect, a loose eyeball, and your standard decapitations. My favorite death was some guy getting his face ripped off by the jaw. Kudos to the bucket of blood thrown against a wall (so 1980s!). Good balance of quantity and quality in kills, although nothing truly special, considering how high the gore bar's been raised these days.

What's pretty silly is the killer in this movie, appears to be around 6 foot 8, and 260 pounds. He runs about about 4.3 40 yard dash (all off camera, mind you) and is strong enough to cut through solid bone with ease. He's like the Lebron James of slashers.

The movie never really explains why psycho dude always wears a gas mask. Does he have emphysema? Is he horribly disfigured? Mutant?

And, does he live in the mine when he's not killing? What does he eat? He must eat the victims afterward, right? There can't be any food source inside the mine, ....

3) 3D

This is why I wanted to see this. In every other way, this movie is another dime-a-dozen crap horror film. But the 3D really suckered everybody in (me included).

At first, it feels real trippy seeing the 3 dimensions. But it starts to feel really gimmicky quick. For instance, some dude is walking in the foreground and there's shit in the background, and they appear on different planes of your vision. Pretty cool but kinda pointless. You just wait for the kills and see how they utilize the trick.

Also, after a while I got used to the 3D and it loses it's novelty. They had to slow down the action for you to notice the 3D effect too.

By the end, it started giving me a headache. And it's not like the 3D is that amazing. I was kinda expecting the stuff to literally fly out of the screen like in the commercial. I had read that the 3D gore would 'kick my ass', and the 3D nudity was so good, I could "cop a feel". Shit would change my life.

Not quite.

Nope, more like the 3D stuff sorta hovered a foot over the screen, nothing more.

My life remains unchanged.

WTF moment

Some dude in the theatre actually ducked when psycho miner threw his axe. I was like "cmon dude, you gotta be kidding." Guy was very likely on drugs though.

Insano Steve's Final Prognosis

In the end, it just don't add up to much. Some people actually clapped at the end of the movie!

Really? Clapping? For "My Bloody Valentine 3D?" Like they just saw "Shawshank Redemption" or something.

Maybe my expectations were too high for shit like this. It did have some fun moments. But what can I say, I've seen movies suck in 2D. I've seen movies suck in HD. Now I've seen them suck in 3D. And the shit was $14.25. If only "Notorious" was filmed in 3D, hmmm, .....

Rating:
(2 spinkicks that look like 3 spinkicks from a distance)

The Trailer




Tags:
My Bloody Valentine 3D, My Bloody Valentine 3D review , 3d horror movies , jaime king, , jaime king naked, , 3D, , horror remake, my bloody valentine,

Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, jaime king, jaime king naked, my bloody valentine 3D, my bloody valentine 3D review, my bloody valentine 3D trailer

3D Eyeballs are FRAKIN cool

Do you remember the scene above? It was in Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D. Jason squeezes some poor schmuck's head and his eyeball goes flying out in 3D gooeyness.

C'mon, you know it. It's the fuckin most memorable scene in Part 3. Besides the harpoon, the flaming iron, the yo yo and the stick.

I believe Part 3 is one of the best of the series. He gets his mask, the kills are all set up to be in gratuitous 3D and we get the "last scare" ending. Good times.

So as a horror automaton, I too will have to venture and watch My Bloody Valentine: 3D.

I keep hearing that the movie sucks but its "fun". Whatever that means.

So I'll let you know how it goes as the hype has hit me likes a bad case of SARS.

A possible review to come (if I feel like it)

I love the vintage 3D trailer with all the 3D kill scenes all blended in. This trailer is eerily similar to the remake one. Weird.

Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, 3d scenes in friday the 13th part 3, friday the 13th, friday the 13th part 3, friday the 13th remake, jason voohees, my bloody valentine 3D