Well we here at the jaded viewer got a world exclusive! I got to interview Mr. Jason Voorhees of Crystal Lake. In the brief transcript of the interview below, you'll get insight into the man, the icon and the legend of Jason. Here he lets loose on a variety of topics ranging from his favorite kill to his secret crushes of his favorite final girls.
It's got some juicy gossips for you TMZ-ish horror fans. Check out the interview below!
The Jaded Viewer: Thanks Mr. Voorhees for taking some time out of your busy schedule to talk to us. We only saw you a year ago and you looked a little sluggish with your latest performance. Some critics hammered you on your diminishing killing abilities. What do you have to say to these naysayers?
Jason Voorhees:
TJV: Interesting. You do have a point there. I never thought about that. So fans of your work want to know what your best kill was. Got any favorites?
JV: [heavy breathing]
TJV: Wow, fascinating. That wasn't on many top 10 lists that I know of. OK let's switch gears and talk about who was your greatest foe. Which final girl gave you the most trouble?
JV:
TJV: Now that's a shocker! Did the other counselors know about you two?
JV:
TJV: Yeah I totally agree. Most girls have a difficult time getting over the "killing thing". You'd think that be part of the package. So are you two still friends?
JV:
TJV: Ummm with the machete huh? Breakups can be bad. We know all about your mom. It's been well documented. But I wanna know about your dad. Can you tell our viewers who your dad was and what was he like?
JV: [deep heavy breathing]
TJV: That's unbelievable. Do you think that contributed to who you are today?
JV:
TJV: Wow. I mean that's something nobody knows about you at all. I'm sure people now know who the real Jason Voorhees is because of that little fact. Anything else you want our viewers to know?
JV:
TJV: Will do Mr. Voorhees. Thanks again for taking the time to talk to us today. Good luck in your future killings and I hope you continued success.
JV:
***********************************************
What do you think about these shocking revelations by Jason Voorhees? Does it change your perception of the iconic slasher? Do you think he'll survive this public ordeal? How will his fellow slashers react to this news? Chime in and let your voice be known!
I enjoy seeing white teens get slaughtered by unkillable slashers as the next horror fan but we'd hope Jason Voorhees and his alum would be equal opportunity slashers. The Friday the 13th series proved that even the token black guy (or girl) in the movie got some good shots in before they were ultimately slaughtered.
But one man, Julius Gaw gave Jason Voorhees a run for his money in Friday the 13th Part VIII Jason takes Manhattan.
So in honor of Black History month, let's honor the flipside of African Americans in horror movies by giving mad props to Julius. He wasn't the hero but if he'd just taken some HGH, he could have had the stamina to say "I knocked Jason Voorhees the fuck out!!"
So for that effort, we salute you Julius. And this is this week's A Not So Good Moment in Black Horror Movie history.
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. Definitely, not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
It's been a while since I put up a Horror Continuum post. I just haven't had time to search for links to keep you updated on what's the what in the horrorverse.
So as it's Friday and we all want to be in a good mood for the weekend, today's edition is all videos. So below you will find some classic horror spoofs, parodies and other viral vids from the interweb. Enjoy!
The uber hot Megan Fox has a special PSA for high schoolers....
If you have any links to other funny horror related videos, share them with everyone. After another work week, we all need some ha ha's as we head to the weekend. Put em in the comments and share. Because sharing is caring.
There are 2 ways of viewing this reimagining of the Friday the 13th series. One way is to look at it fresh without the 30 somewhat years of history.
The kids in the theatre where me and Insano Steve watched this flick were part of this group. Millenials, tweens, Generation Y and Zers. These pseudo horror fans have grown up post Scream, watching horror remake after remake and think these movies are the best thing since Ghostface killed his first virgin victim.
The other way to watch the movie is knowing the legend, the history and having watched the 12 other films (probably non consecutively as nobody probably ever did, I didn't). I remember watching Part 6, then Part 8 (I was excited to seeing Jason in my hometown) then watching the original and all the rest on VHS.
I had to watch this movie with the full on Jason Voorhees baggage. It's hard for true horror fans to watch this without it. Jason is part of our childhood, like He-Man or Optimus Prime and Freddy. He's for most of us the unstoppable slasher we all love.
And so the remake or reimagining is something that if done well, can serve its purpose. Reintroduce the king of slashers to a new audience. The fact that it broke the box office record for a horror film, I guess we can say it did its job. People seem to like that Jason is back killing teenagers and slashing it up 80s style.
I am not one of those people.
It is without a doubt, a complete bastardization of the entire series in my opinion. Yeah, I know I should just try to take it for what it is, a melding of 4 movies and adding a little MTV soundtrack for the iPod masses.
I should say the kills were cool or Jason was menacing and smart and its a great homage to the series.
Fuck that.
I don't care. The remake messed with an iconic slasher and jumped the shark on what made Jason great. It's like the director and writers pissed on the entire series.
If this and Zombie's Halloween are what were going to expect in the near future, please have Jason just stab me in the throat with his rusty machete.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
Searching for his missing sister, Clay heads up to the eerie woods of legendary Crystal Lake, where he stumbles on the creaky remains of rotting old cabins that lie in wait behind moss-covered trees. And that's not the only thing hiding behind the brush.
Against the advice of police and caution from the locals, Clay pursues what few leads he has and, with Jenna's help, he meets a group of college kids up for an all-thrills weekend. But they are about to find much more than they bargained for. Little do they know, they've entered the domain of Jason Voorhees, armed with razor-sharp machete.
When Clay's sister Whitney and her friends disappear into the thick forests surrounding Crystal Lake, Clay comes desperately looking for clues as to what could have happened and where she could be. Despite advice from town police, Clay searches throughout the area and slowly begins to suspect that something just is not right about this town.
With the assistance of teens Jenna and Trent, who are spending the weekend at the lake with their thrill-seeking friends, Clay begins to learn the dark secrets of Crystal Lake, its infamous abandoned camp, and its most terrifying local legend... Jason Voorhees.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
As I've said before after reviewing Jason X and Final Chapter the thing about the Fthe13th films is you have to grade them on a curve. They should include the following:
1.) Jason Voorhees (or his mom) 2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths 3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity! 4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made
So we'll go ahead and use this criteria to review our reboot. 1.) Jason Voorhees (or his mom)
OK. Straight out I don't like this Jason. Jason Voorhees is an inbred, redneck, bad swimmer momma's boy bent on killing anybody who comes to Crystal Lake. This Jason is a little too clever. It's like we got a Jason MacGuyver or something.
Here's my problems in total random order.
a.) We see him running
WTF?!?!? You never see the slasher run. EVER!!! He ALWAYS runs off screen to get ahead of the would be victim. That's why Jason would always be breathing heavily. Yeah I know he ran in Part 3 but its unfuckinbelievable they messed this shit up. It's in the fuckin slasher handbook.
b.) What's up with the fuckin tunnels under Crystal Lake?
Is this how Jason gets from point A to point B so fuckin fast? How so drug mule of you Jason. I'm completely speechless.
c.) Jason never ever takes fuckin hostages/prisoners
Dude. Jason would never leave a victim alive. Period. But you know what he does in this flick? He keeps Whitney alive because he may or may not think she's her mother.
Remember, it was only until the last sec that Ginny put on the sweater to confuse Jason in Part 2.
So that scene from the trailer where he's about to machete her. That didn't happen?
Fuck you Nispel. d.) Jason acts like "The Wolf"
The wolf I refer to is Harvy Keitel's character in Pulp Fiction. He's the guy who cleans up the mess Jules and Vincent have made in the car. Here we see Jason picking up his victims and cleaning up the carnage he's made. Part of Jason Voorhees persona from the series is he would arrange his victims and hide them so when our final girl would see if her friends were still alive, all she would see were nicely arranged slashed up dead bodies.
Cleaning up the victims should really happen off screen. It's like I was watching Jason the Janitor.
e.) Jason and his clever fuckin traps
So Jason is fuckin smart in this one. Jason sharpens his machete (this didn't appear in the movie BTW) uses bear traps, wired bell alarms and positions his victims as bait. He also seems to be all Commando-ish, sneaky, stealthy and more uber human (I think he was using the cream and not the HGH).
Nispel gave us a Leatherfacey-ish Jason don't ya think? It's like he fused Hills Have Eyes mutants into Jason's persona.
Sorry dude. That fuckin sucked. Jason is smart to an extent. He don't need no fuckin traps. He sneaks up on you and kills you. That's it. Fuckin amateurs.
2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths
OK. With my low expectations going in, I was hoping I'd get some clever, goreific kills that were in the awesome Voorhees style. I mean, these new movies don't scare anymore but they do as Insano Steve has said raised the gore bar.
But this was a snooze fest in 13 boring kills.
Let's go through them shall we?
Goreipedia
Slit throats (x2) Stab in the stomach Sleeping bag pyro burning death Bear trapped foot trauma and machete thru the head Sliced and dice in a tent Pulled into the ground Impalement into a truck Screwdriver in the neck Strangulation and antler impalement Axe in his back Arrow in the head Ocular trauma Sword trauma Machete thru the head
Possibly the ocular trauma was slightly cool. Everything else was plain awful. I've seen more gore and splatter in a porn flick.
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
Ahh yes. It wouldn't be a Friday without gratuitous nudity. We get some oiled up breasts. Some tent fucking. Some bouncing C cups from a hot blonde when jerk douchebag jock frat boy gets some action. We get some water skiing B cups from a blonde. I think that's it.
Good T&A. The keyword here is gratuitous. And it's enough to wax the carrot.
4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made
How Jason will ultimately die is something that I think is the hardest ending to write. In the past, he's been macheted in the shoulder, macheted in the head in 3D, macheted in the head and stabbed repeatedly, noosed in the bottom of Crystal Lake and propelled to death, pychiced powered and drowned, washed away in sewer water (!?!), knifed in the stomach by a "special knife", burned to death in Earth's atmosphere (!!??!!), and Freddy gloved to death (sorta).
So how would they kill Jason in this one?
Well if you've watched the flick, you know it's kinda lame. How he's died in the past was pretty bad to say the least but I really thought they'd make his death scene memorable in the reboot. I mean think about it. This is how he dies?
And you could see the foreshadowing a mile away.
As for the ending ending. You could also see that shit coming from 10 miles away. Fuck you for the gratuitous homage.
WTF moment
Jason admiring himself in the mirror after getting his mask
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I'm going to be generous. For all my gripes, I was slightly entertained. This will get a spinkick and half. The 1 full spinkick for seeing Jason back in the theatre and the half for the decent T&A.
I did try to get my MST3K in which also helped.
Insano Steve and I had a bet going mid movie on who would die first, token Asian guy or token black guy. I took black guy. Well you know who won that bet.
We also started yelling absurdities at the screen. "Oh shit! That was Freddy's glove!" and "Yo Michael Myers would have never done that".
The reboot is what it is. Something the masses can drink without having seen the franchise. It's like eating mild Buffalo wings, instead of getting the fiery hot apocalyptic wings.
As much as I wanted to see Jason back on the screen, I almost didn't want to as I knew I would never like what they were going to do.
But this Friday the 13th is not for me. It's not for the Generation X gorehounds and splatter fans and the rest of us who grew up with a Friday every 2 or 3 years during the 80s and 90s.
This Friday the 13th is for the YouTubers, the tweens and the millenials.
Platinum Dunes will never make a film for me. I'm no longer the targeted demographic.
My Friday the 13th, my Jason Voorhees is dead. Killed off screen and sent to Hell.
It's Friday the 13th. Today the overhyped reimagining is released. I should be reviewing that soon. But alot of fans weapon up when you bring up the question which Friday is the best. Part 2? Part 6? Original?
I have always thought Part 3 is the best. It's classic, taking the legend in the first 2 and adding more.
The thing about the Fthe13th films is you have to grade them on a curve. They should include the following:
1.) Jason Voorhees (or his mom) 2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths 3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity! 4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made
Lets begin with #1. This is Jason in his purest form. He's not a zombie yet. He's a pissed off, inbred, disfigured redneck momma's boy bent on killing anybody who comes to Crystal Lake.
#2 is fulfilled from some of the scenes below. Stab mouths, pitchfork to the neck, ocular trauma, shower scene and standing on your hands jackass deaths, slashed throats, hot poker through the stomach and pure machete carnage.
Ahh #3. Good amount, just enough to get what you need.
And finally #4, that ending that homages the original. Jason gets noosed (or so you think!) then hatcheted in the head (like Harry Potter, he keeps the hatchet scar throughout the series), but still keeps on truckin. His body lays motionless in the last final shot.....
So on to the list. The Jaded Viewer's Top 5 Scenes in Friday the 13th: Part 3
5.) 3D Opening Credits and Gratuitous Yo Yo (tie)
Why it kicks ass: The credits are as 3D ocean of coolness. And as most of Part 3 has gratuitous 3D (popcorn, stoners etc) , it's the yo yo that seems the most gratuitous in the entire movie.
Opening Credits
Gratuitous Yo Yo
4.) Jason unmasks and becomes the unkillable slasher we all love
Why it kicks ass: We finally get a nice clean shot of an unmasked Jason. He survives the hanging, grabs his trademark machete, kills the biker brotha and then gets HATCHETED right in the head by final girl Chris.
3.) Mrs Voorhees gets her revenge
Why it kicks ass: An homage to the original you saw coming a mile away. It's a dream sequence but its fuckin fitting.
2.) 3D Ocular Trauma
Why it kicks ass: This is the best 3D effect in the entire movie. Actually it's best scene in the entire movie. Jason squeezes Rick's head popping out his eyeball in glorious 3D. One of the best ocular trauma's of all time.
1.) He gets the hockey mask
Why it kicks ass: It's a historical moment. We see Jason in the hockey mask for the first time after killing clown ass Shelly. He shoots Vera with a spear gun, drops the spear gun non chalantly and walks away. Fuckin perfect.
(Here's a complete video of all the kills from Part 3 as an extra bonus)
I hear the remake has a few scenes honoring Parts 1-4 with the spear gun being the most prominent. Will this version be better than Part 3?
I don't fuckin think so. Part 3 works on so many levels.It's awesome in 2D and becomes more awesomer in 3D. There is no Corey Feldman, or fake Jason or psychic girl, or Uber Jason or Jason body jumping. Part 3 is Jason Voorhees in his purest form. Unstoppable killer, king of all slashers.
Now that's something you can't remake, reimagine or ever copy.
As we gear up for the reboot, I'll admit I think Part 3 is the best of the series. I'll explain why later on this week.
But for now, lets stop hyping up the reimagining and look fondly on the 138 confirmed (or semi confirmed as lots of shit happens offscreen) kills of Mr. Jason Voorhees.
This dude did a good job of excluding Part 1 and Part 5. Kudos dude, you know your shit.
Do you remember the scene above? It was in Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D. Jason squeezes some poor schmuck's head and his eyeball goes flying out in 3D gooeyness.
I believe Part 3 is one of the best of the series. He gets his mask, the kills are all set up to be in gratuitous 3D and we get the "last scare" ending. Good times.
So as a horror automaton, I too will have to venture and watch My Bloody Valentine: 3D.
I keep hearing that the movie sucks but its "fun". Whatever that means.
So I'll let you know how it goes as the hype has hit me likes a bad case of SARS.
A possible review to come (if I feel like it)
I love the vintage 3D trailer with all the 3D kill scenes all blended in. This trailer is eerily similar to the remake one. Weird.
I wouldn't be a horror site if I didn't cover the big news of the day, right? So here's my obligatory post of the Friday the 13th remake, slated to be released on February 13th, 2009.
Yahoo Movies got the jump yesterday and has the full trailer online. Check it out by going here.
The new poster is also up as you can see above.
I totally dig the new Jason Voorhees. He does look menacing and from the trailer seems a wee bit smarter than your average slasher redneck. It may just be me, but pre-zombied Jason is the best (Part III to me is the best of em all).
I'd rank em as Voorhees, Myers, Kreuger.
The trailer is flashy, but very spoiler ridden. Did we really need 13 "almost" kills? Fuck you for doing that. As long as Jason's screen time is limited (I know thats blasphemous to say) this would probably work better as the early movies made it a point to show only 10-15 minutes of Jason.
And of course we need to follow our basic F13th model work flow. It should be as follows:
2 totally awesome kills ("Oh that was fuckin awesome") 4-5 decent kills ("Wow, that must have hurt") 2 he was killed offscreen kills ("That's where that blowtorch ended up") 3 machete kills ("Jason totally went all Kill Bill with his machete")
5.) Spooky music 6.) Stereotypical cardboard cutouts of teenagers 7.) The local who warns the teens of impending danger 8.) Jason unmasked 9.) Jason gets killed by final girl 10.) A total WTF ending
That's all I'm asking for. Thoughts about the trailer? the remake?
[It's a retro review by the jaded viewer. I originally posted this review after buying the box set. Films 1-8. The memories all came pouring back. Fangoria covers and lunch box sets. And so I decided to make a list. The ultimate super duper mega crazy best to worst list. Starting from the worst movie of the franchise to the best, I'll go into why each film was either really good or really terrible. I of course never finished the list only.]
Jason Voorhees + Space = What the fuck?
The fact that he's in space is a little much isn't it? The year 2455? This is our future?
Oh boy.
Well what can you say? It doesn't get much worse than this. Our beloved slasher of slashers gets stuck in a sci fi movie. It's like Aliens but without any aliens.
As always let's go briefly over the plot.
Plot-O-Rama
Jason has been locked up within the Camp Crystal Lake research facility. The military wants to discover Jason's regeneration secrets (umm its an evil heart dude plus druids!). But Jason as always escapes and goes all killy. Rowan played by the hot (oh so hot!) Lexa Doig, cryogenically freezes Jason before she gets frozen herself. Fast forward to the future and some Canadian teenagers are on all field trip to Old Earth. (I guess we live on New Earth). Jason defrosts and goes on to kill most of the kids on the ship while the kids try to fend him off.
So let's go through the more interesting moments and the people in the flick, shall we?
Jason's sci fi slaughterhouse farm (See below)
1.) Rowan (aka Lexa Doig) the research scientist with beautiful cleavage 2.) Black soldier who more than likely will try to kick some ass and save the day 3.) Hot girl in very revealing futuristic clothing 4.) Nerd guy 5.) Hot Android (I'd like to also point out Lexa Doig and the android are both on Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda) 6.) Teacher who is as an asshole
Various moments that made me chuckle or heave
1.) Jason on a spaceship (please shoot me now) 2.) "He just wanted his machete back!" 3.) FX helps Jason kill more realistically 4.) Hologram scene of the "old Crystal Lake", Jason then proceeds to kill campers by pounding cute white and filipina chicks trapped in their sleeping bags ("We love premarital sex!") 5.) Jason hears two teenagers having sex like 12 decks up, then proceeds to kill them. 6.) Uber Jason (am i dead yet? if not, please put 3 bullets in my head)
OK let's go through the 4 pieces of criteria in which all 4 are totally fucked up by this movie.
1.) Jason Voorhees
At this point in Jason Voorhees career, he's completely a supernatural zombie devoid of any human related genetics. Fuck. He still has his slasher charm but it's really running on empty. So why does this fail? Two words:
Uber Jason!!!
C'mon. Fuckin Uber Jason. So after android girl blows the shit out of Jason by using her ray gun semi automatic weapons, Jason is regenerated by nano technology and is now half metal half Robocop. He's got this dumb looking mask and is now breathing more heavily. He has fuckin body armor and somehow this machete has also turned into an uber machete. I mean talk about bastardizing our beloved slasher of slashers. This is like a punch in the stomach of all that is sacred within Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is a man wearing a hockey mask who drowned and likes to kill teenagers who have sex and smoke pot. He is not Robo Slasher.
2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths
A decent scene was Jason cryogenically freezing a girl face and then smashing it into pieces. Some soldier gets impaled on some large drill (FX baby!). Overall the gore has been totally toned down. Except for the virtual girls getting killed, all the deaths were pretty [yawn]. Too many of the kills were dominated by FX. Damn the special effects!
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
Nada. Let's see what Skinemax moments we had. Some gratuitous Lexa Doig cleavage. Some Canadian girl cleavage. Virtual girls show some boobies. That's it. The nudity has to be totally gratuitous you know? Like gratuitous shower scene, gratuitous breast shot as they dress, gratuitous skinny dipping and gratuitous nerd seeing hot girl naked. Jason X just didn't deliver the goods.
4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made
So Jason dies as the remaining crew escape to a ship that was trying to pick them up. Uber Jason, believed to have blown up with the ship "Grendel" is still alive and as he floats towards the rescuing ship he is richoched by the black soldier dude and floated towards new Earth's atmosphere where Jason and the soldier burn up.
We see Jason's uber mask in a new lake on New Earth as two teenagers, unknown to them make out.
ARGHHHHH!HOOOOKA! Sorry I just threw up. We're not even on Earth anymore. We're on some distant alternate dimension planet. Oh my freakin goodness. This is just plain dumb. The Recap
First of all, this is a sci fi movie. We aren't even in Crytal Lake anymore. I mean this is just waaaaay off target. I don't even know if this even qualifies. It's just hard to sit through because you don't even know what to make of this. Jason is just making an ass of himself. I mean pretend of the Alien in Alien became an Uber Alien?
We can only flush this turd down the toilet and hope the Canadians don't take our beloved horror and make this crap again.
I'd like to say for the record tha this flick had its moments. After the 13th viewing, it's actually grown on me. But 99.99% of this flick is pretty much garbage. I'm judging by standards of the franchise and this took the franchise waaaaaay down. Sorta like Part 5.
Well we here at the jaded viewer got a world exclusive! I got to interview Mr. Jason Voorhees of Crystal Lake. In the brief transcript of the interview below, you'll get insight into the man, the icon and the legend of Jason. Here he lets loose on a variety of topics ranging from his favorite kill to his secret crushes of his favorite final girls.
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
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