Piranha 3D (Review)

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D (2010)

Directed by Alexandre Aja

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve who "copped a feel" from a 3D boob]

After the disaster that was 'My Bloody Valentine 3D', I was totally over the whole 3D craze. But as usually is the case with me, I never learn.

Reading all the great reviews for 'Pirahna 3D', really got me excited. So hyped up in fact, I made it a point to see it while it was still in theaters, in order to experience it in all of it's 3 dimensional glory.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's break this down to easily digestible morsels of awesomeness.

Plot: Spring breakers descend upon Lake Havasu for their annual drunken debauchery. Hot on the trail is a sleazy 'Girls Gone Wild'-like movie producer (played by the awful Jerry O'Connell). Jerry is led around by a local teenager who knows the area. A recent seismic event has awakened a prehistoric form of super piranha in the lake. Much much teenage death and dismemberment ensues.

Could prehistoric piranha possibly be living in a subterranean lake underneath Lake Havasu? Um, probably not. But those teenagers must die, and this is the reason.

3D: Let's just get this out of the way. The 3D helps a little bit but definitely nothing dramatic. Some of the gore looks different with the help of the 3 dimensions, but I don't really think I would have enjoyed this any less in 2D.

Gore: Now this is where this movie excels. The surreal ending when the full scale piranha attack comes is unforgettable. The entire student body screaming in pain as half eaten bodies are dragged to shore and the entire lake literally overflows with blood, reminds me of why I watch horror in the first place. Good times.

Here's my Top 5 favorite kills from the movie (SPOILER ALERT:)

5.) The annoying Eli Roth is rescued out of the water onto a boat. But whoops, Eli forgot the lower half of his body in the water! That's gotta hurt.

4.) A wire that holds up the stage that the strippers dance on snaps. This broken wire proceeds to snap back and slice a buxom co-ed completely in half (right between the cleavage!) Best large breasted kill in the movie.

3.) One of the 'Girls Gone Wild' ends up underneath the boat. One enterprising piranha decides to swim into her vagina and literally eats it's way out of her, exiting through her mouth. Superb creativity.

2.) Probably everrybody else's favorite kill is poor Jerry O'Connell getting brutally eaten alive, and most painfully, losing his penis in the struggle. The 2 pirahna subsequently fighting over his severed member definitely provides a good laugh.

1.) My personal favorite doesn't directly involve the piranha and is not even a confirmed death. A co-ed struggling to swim to shore gets her hair caught in the outboard motor of a boat. The motor continues to run, pulling her hair so hard that it pulls off her entire face! This is as good as it gets people!

T&A: So much tit. So much ass. In 3D. Give credit to the director for getting well endowed females to bare all here. Piranha 3D definitely delivered on the nudity. This was the first movie I've seen with model, Kelly Brook. It was well worth the wait. She plays another Girl Gone Wild. And yes, she gets naked.

WTF moment

Paying $16.50

The Insano Steve's Final Prognosis

In conclusion, hey a 3D horror movie can be good after all. As long as it is good as a 2D movie first. Don't be fooled just by the 3D part. Although, something must be done about the pricing. $16.50 for a 3D movie makes these things hard to recommend.

But in the end, if you know what to expect here (a fun gore-filled teenage t&a slaughter fest), well then Piranha 3D delivers on that. Whether that means I'll go see Piranha 4D (or whatever they call the sequel), that remains to be seen, .....

Rating:
Check out the trailer below!





Ving Rhames slaughters fishies



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Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, gore, gratuitous nudity, piranha 3d, piranha 3d trailer, porn stars, splatter, ving rhames

My 12 cents on the Piranha 3D Teaser Trailer

So the Piranha 3D Teaser is out. If you haven't seen, you can watch it below. Insano Steve and I talked yesterday on remakes and his thoughts were Hollywood should make remakes on bad movies and not GOOD movies. I agree.

Remake Phantasm or Leprechaun or some other crappy movie. But leave the Elm Streets alone.
In any case, Piranha is one that I guess should be remade because....

a.) Nobody saw the original
b.) You can showcase Spring break boobage
c.) Hire decent actors playing rubbery stereotypical characters
d.) See mother fuckin piranhas in a mother fuckin lake

OK here be the trailer.





OK let's start to shred this one with random thoughts shall we?

0:00-0:20

Fake James Cameron 3D PSA is a nice touch. You didn't fool me!

0:23

Boobs!!!

0:24

Is Lake Victoria right by Amity Island?

0:27

Trampoline bouncy boobs!!!

0:30

Gratuitous Eli Roth cameo. Where's your heterosexual lifemate Quentin?

0:32

Cheerleader boobies!!!

0:35

Gratuitous Kawasaki motorcycle product placement

0:39

Why is their an old hag in Spring Break? Die bitch die!!

0:46

Elizabeth Shue is still looking hawt...but nobody is going to listen to you unless you show your boobs.

0:47

Ving Rhames. You ain't know Samuel L.

0:48

Is that a Richard Dreyfus cameo? Dude the lake you want is down the road.

0:55

That's some mutant fuckin piranha...I think its got a laser beams attached to its head

1:02

Listen to Doc Brown...he's smart!!

1:07

Jet ski vs boat (its no zombie vs shark)

1:16

HA ha! I knew those piranha had laser beams attached to their heads. They just caused a boat to explode!

1:22

This shits going to be awesome in 2D!!! Umm I mean 3D!

Thoughts on this one? Please share. I hope the sequel has ill-tempered mutated sea bass. They're more deadly than this weak piranha bullshit.

Categories: 3d, 3d horror movies, eli roth, piranha 3d, piranha 3d trailer, ving rhames

The Tournament (Review)

The Tournament

The Tournament (2009)

Directed by Scott Mann

I hyped up this movie a year ago and when the trailer came out, I hyped it up some more. So when I won this film shockingly from Fangoria I couldn't believe my luck. I dig a good horror movie, but over the top action flicks are where I get my kicks from.

The movie has a clever premise (see below) and had an all star cast and the trailer had shit blowing up, could it live up to the hype?

Fuck yeah it did.

The assassins just don't kill each other, they fuck each other up beyond recognition. In this new age of action flicks (as Rambo illustrated beautifully) it's not just capping yr ass, it's obliterating the enemy. The Tournament is an apex in action porn, where guns are blazing, body counts are mounting and parkour and martial arts are needed to win and be called the greatest assassin ever.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Every 7 years in an unsuspecting town (this time its some town in the UK), The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 30 of the world’s deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1 (which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag). The Tournament is set up by a group of sick high stake billionaires who watch the mayhem unfold via CCTV and bet on its outcome.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I love how I don't have to talk about plot at all in this flick.

Let's look at our players shall we? Here are the notables. Place your bets on who you think will win!

• Joshua Harlow (Ving Rhames): Reigning champion he's as bad as Marsellus Wallace and cold blooded as they come. His wife's been killed and he's looking for revenge.
• Lai Lai Zheng (Kelly Hu): Lethal assassin from Asia. She doesn't kill the innocents but has her own motivations to win the tourney.
• Miles Slade (Ian Somerhalder): Ruthless Texan who is as fucked up as they come. He'll kill women, children and a dog and his shotgun is his weapon of choice
• Anton Bogart (Sebastien Foucan): Frenchmen whose got awesome Parkour skills (Foucan invented the damn thing) and he can double gun shoot with the best of em.
  
• Yuri Petrov (Scott Adkins): Demolition expert and all around badass.
• Father Joseph MacAvoy (Robert Carlyle): Father Joe gets pulled into the tourney after swallowing a tracking device designed for the assassins. Also he's a drunk and not a very good priest.
  
• 25 other assassins that die in an awesome montage

The action scenes are top notch. I mean when a cow airgun is used to blow somebody's head off in the first 5 minutes, I got hooked. And we don't see no off screen BS. Nope, we see Scanners like head explosion. Good times.

The other scenes are pure unfortunate timing kills that are set up cleverly. Hu's Zheng is pure, stereotypical kung fu treachery as she anihilates the other opponents. Foucan's Bogart is a joy to watch as in one scene he parkours after Zheng whose driving a police car with Father Joe in tow. But probably the bloodiest and sickest of all the scenes is when half a dozen or so of the assassins converge at a titty bar and all hell breaks loose.

The surprise here is Somerhalder's Slade who is utterly evil. He didn't just kill the other assassins but murders a bunch of innocent bystanders and some lovely well figured strippers. Look at what the Island did to him! A pure gun battle that was an outright orgy of unrelenting violence. Sliced arms, fingers and decaps. All over the top, slightly cartoony and Grand Theft auto bloody. If you don't like the video game violence, go play some Wii.

With the assassins all having 24 hours to kill each other before their tracking devices turn them into human grenades, we see some good matchups of our notables. Zheng vs Bogart, Zheng vs Petrov, Zheng vs Slade and Zheng vs Harlow. Inserted is also a montage of assassin on assassin violence so we can get the count to 2.

As this all happens, Powers is the man who orchestrates this tournament so a group of diverse rich guys can bet on the action. Some subplot is thrown in with something about Powers and Harlow but it really isn't important.

What you should know is this. The Tournament is zany, double barrel funness with never ending action. Sure there's some conversations, but that's like set up to get to the action scenes. In its 90 minutes, it lives up to its premise of what would happen when 30 assassins destroy a small little town. If you've played Call of Duty, MWF2 or Grand Theft Auto multi player you know what to expect. I've never seen a movie where video game violence is excellently captured in a film.

Well now I have.

I placed my bets on Zheng because I actually met Kelly Hu at a Chiller convention in Jersey. She was really nice and signed my cover of Maxim. Plus she was super hot. Did I win? Her odds were 25:1. Harlow's was 2:1. What do you think?

Gore-ipedia

Head explosions
Body explosions
Shotgun blast carnage
Finger decaps
Hand decaps
Bullet wound carnage
All sorts of assassin on assassin violence

Nude-ipedia

Is this the flick we see Kelly Hu naked? Nope sorry, these aren't the boobs your looking for.
Stripper boobage

WTF moment

Miles Slade's last stand

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I thoroughly enjoyed The Tournament. It's a movie where you don't have to think, you gasp in awe of the awesome carnage and you commend a movie that takes a clever premise and takes it to the extreme. It's action porn at its finest. I am so happy to see a film that went no holds barred and jacked it up. My only gripes were the Father Joe storyline (where he's an innocent caught up in the chaos), Rhames being Rhames and the ending. It's a little convoluted at times where they could have cut out some of this waste.

But all in all, a solid flick and you won't be disappointed. Here's hoping we don't have to wait 7 years for another Tournament to take place.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: kelly hu, robert carlyle, the tourament, the tournament official trailer, the tournament trailer, UK horror, ving rhames

The Tournament (Official Full Trailer)

I posted a test trailer for The Tournament in May, 2008. It's been removed obviously by now but it looked fuckin awesome. So it's odd that over a year later, we finally get to see the official trailer for this seemingly awesome action fest.

So what all the hype-o-palooza all about?

Here's the plot.

Every 7 years in an unsuspecting town, The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 30 of the world’s deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1 (which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag). The Tournament is set up by a group of sick high stake billionaires who watch the mayhem unfold via CCTV and bet on its outcome.

We're not talking no name actors here. It's some top notch A list mofo's as your fucked up assassins.

Ian Somerhalder, Kelly Hu,Robert Carlyle, Scott Adkins, Ving Rhames ...

Thanks to Twitch, the final official trailer is now online. Check it out below.





Check out the official site for some stills and other goodies. The movie is to be released sometime this year.

It looks like non stop action with a demented twist. Like Surviving the Game with pros. Or Thirst but with assassins. The UK are actionmeisters when it comes to this shit so hopefully this will get a theatrical release.

Thoughts?

Tags:
the tournament, the tournament trailer , battle royale , uk action, kelly hu, ving rhames, robert caryle, gratuitous nudity, assassins tournament, 2009 action movies,

Categories: action cinema, assassins, kelly hu, robert carlyle, scott adkins, the tourament, the tournament official trailer, the tournament trailer, ving rhames

The Tournament (Trailer)

It's like the Kumite but with guns!

The plot has me salivating....

Every ten years in an unsuspecting town, The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 40 of the world’s deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1, which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag. All fights are monitored 24 hrs a day on redirected CCTV cameras and broadcast secretly to a ring of high stake billionaire gamblers.

Movie stars some big names:

Ian Somerhalder , Kelly Hu ,Robert Carlyle , Scott Adkins , Ving Rhames ...

Check out the trailer, IMDB and the official site!



Tags:
the tournament, the tournament trailer , battle royale , uk action, kelly hu, ving rhames, robert caryle, gratuitous nudity, assassins tournament, 2008 action movies,

Categories: assassins, battle royale, kelly hu, robert carlyle, the tourament, the tournament trailer, ving rhames