The Tournament (Review)

The Tournament

The Tournament (2009)

Directed by Scott Mann

I hyped up this movie a year ago and when the trailer came out, I hyped it up some more. So when I won this film shockingly from Fangoria I couldn't believe my luck. I dig a good horror movie, but over the top action flicks are where I get my kicks from.

The movie has a clever premise (see below) and had an all star cast and the trailer had shit blowing up, could it live up to the hype?

Fuck yeah it did.

The assassins just don't kill each other, they fuck each other up beyond recognition. In this new age of action flicks (as Rambo illustrated beautifully) it's not just capping yr ass, it's obliterating the enemy. The Tournament is an apex in action porn, where guns are blazing, body counts are mounting and parkour and martial arts are needed to win and be called the greatest assassin ever.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Every 7 years in an unsuspecting town (this time its some town in the UK), The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 30 of the world’s deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1 (which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag). The Tournament is set up by a group of sick high stake billionaires who watch the mayhem unfold via CCTV and bet on its outcome.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I love how I don't have to talk about plot at all in this flick.

Let's look at our players shall we? Here are the notables. Place your bets on who you think will win!

• Joshua Harlow (Ving Rhames): Reigning champion he's as bad as Marsellus Wallace and cold blooded as they come. His wife's been killed and he's looking for revenge.
• Lai Lai Zheng (Kelly Hu): Lethal assassin from Asia. She doesn't kill the innocents but has her own motivations to win the tourney.
• Miles Slade (Ian Somerhalder): Ruthless Texan who is as fucked up as they come. He'll kill women, children and a dog and his shotgun is his weapon of choice
• Anton Bogart (Sebastien Foucan): Frenchmen whose got awesome Parkour skills (Foucan invented the damn thing) and he can double gun shoot with the best of em.
  
• Yuri Petrov (Scott Adkins): Demolition expert and all around badass.
• Father Joseph MacAvoy (Robert Carlyle): Father Joe gets pulled into the tourney after swallowing a tracking device designed for the assassins. Also he's a drunk and not a very good priest.
  
• 25 other assassins that die in an awesome montage

The action scenes are top notch. I mean when a cow airgun is used to blow somebody's head off in the first 5 minutes, I got hooked. And we don't see no off screen BS. Nope, we see Scanners like head explosion. Good times.

The other scenes are pure unfortunate timing kills that are set up cleverly. Hu's Zheng is pure, stereotypical kung fu treachery as she anihilates the other opponents. Foucan's Bogart is a joy to watch as in one scene he parkours after Zheng whose driving a police car with Father Joe in tow. But probably the bloodiest and sickest of all the scenes is when half a dozen or so of the assassins converge at a titty bar and all hell breaks loose.

The surprise here is Somerhalder's Slade who is utterly evil. He didn't just kill the other assassins but murders a bunch of innocent bystanders and some lovely well figured strippers. Look at what the Island did to him! A pure gun battle that was an outright orgy of unrelenting violence. Sliced arms, fingers and decaps. All over the top, slightly cartoony and Grand Theft auto bloody. If you don't like the video game violence, go play some Wii.

With the assassins all having 24 hours to kill each other before their tracking devices turn them into human grenades, we see some good matchups of our notables. Zheng vs Bogart, Zheng vs Petrov, Zheng vs Slade and Zheng vs Harlow. Inserted is also a montage of assassin on assassin violence so we can get the count to 2.

As this all happens, Powers is the man who orchestrates this tournament so a group of diverse rich guys can bet on the action. Some subplot is thrown in with something about Powers and Harlow but it really isn't important.

What you should know is this. The Tournament is zany, double barrel funness with never ending action. Sure there's some conversations, but that's like set up to get to the action scenes. In its 90 minutes, it lives up to its premise of what would happen when 30 assassins destroy a small little town. If you've played Call of Duty, MWF2 or Grand Theft Auto multi player you know what to expect. I've never seen a movie where video game violence is excellently captured in a film.

Well now I have.

I placed my bets on Zheng because I actually met Kelly Hu at a Chiller convention in Jersey. She was really nice and signed my cover of Maxim. Plus she was super hot. Did I win? Her odds were 25:1. Harlow's was 2:1. What do you think?

Gore-ipedia

Head explosions
Body explosions
Shotgun blast carnage
Finger decaps
Hand decaps
Bullet wound carnage
All sorts of assassin on assassin violence

Nude-ipedia

Is this the flick we see Kelly Hu naked? Nope sorry, these aren't the boobs your looking for.
Stripper boobage

WTF moment

Miles Slade's last stand

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I thoroughly enjoyed The Tournament. It's a movie where you don't have to think, you gasp in awe of the awesome carnage and you commend a movie that takes a clever premise and takes it to the extreme. It's action porn at its finest. I am so happy to see a film that went no holds barred and jacked it up. My only gripes were the Father Joe storyline (where he's an innocent caught up in the chaos), Rhames being Rhames and the ending. It's a little convoluted at times where they could have cut out some of this waste.

But all in all, a solid flick and you won't be disappointed. Here's hoping we don't have to wait 7 years for another Tournament to take place.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Categories: kelly hu, robert carlyle, the tourament, the tournament official trailer, the tournament trailer, UK horror, ving rhames

Forgotten Horror Hottie: Alexa Davalos

Her Horror/SciFi Resume: TV Series Angel, The Chronicles of Riddick, The Mist, Clash of the Titans

Other Notable Films: Defiance

The Jaded Viewer says: My first glimpse of Alexa Davalos was on Angel where she played the hottie electroshock vixen with a heart Gwen Raiden. She also appeared with Vin "I grunt alot" Diesel in The Chronicles of Riddick. Her only horror movie was The Mist.

I think she's gonna jump all mainstreamy when she appears as Andromeda in Clash of the Titans. Before she becomes farthest from a forgotten hottie, here are some pics below for you to enjoy her yumminess.

Must be a wind tunnel near by

I try to look hot even in a post apocalyptic world

Yummy coffee and Alexa

For more info head over to Alexa Davalos fan site.

Categories: alexa davalos, forgotten horror hottie, the mist

Award Cooties are the best!

Well I'm infected again...WOOHOO! Awards month is still not over thanks to Chuck @ Zombies DON'T Run. He's given award cooties to 10 more horror blogs and yours truly is one of them!

This award is awesome coming from Chuck. So thanks again...we will proudly sneeze this award on to two other horror blogs.

Well I'm giving this award to Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central..... hahahahah...... PSYCHE!!!!

Oh they're not horror blogs, well according to Total Film they are. Nice job schmucks.

According to the rules I can only give this to 2 other horror bloggers. Also once you get it you can't pass it on. The infection stops HERE so as to quarantine this new awards strain. Well ahhhh chooooooo! You're infected........

• Mike and Chris @ All Things Horror
  
• B-Movie Becky @ The Horror Effect

You are now 2009 All-Scares Bloggers! Congrats!

Categories: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

The WTF List: Avatar Edition

So on a cold, frigid day last week I went to see the overly hyped, groundbreaking behemoth that is Avatar. What can you say that hasn't been said already? I dug the Real D awesomeness but the story was equivalent to a high school film club pitching potential Star Trek episode ideas.

Insano Steve said it best. It's the same rehashed story they use for every other movie. Dumb, stoopid guy has to join group and learn their ways. Meets girl. Likes girl. Gets in fight with girl's pseudo BF (he's a douche) and pseudo BF makes fun of guy. Girl sees this. He wins girl. Big fight ensues. He has to choose old culture or new culture. He chooses new culture. The End.

But damn those effects are spec-fuckin-tacular. So without further ado, it's the WTF list: Avatar Edition! Spoilers Ahoy.

1.) Really? 5 3D previews in a row? Jeezus...those piranhas look fake
2.) I haven't even put on my Real D glasses and I have a headache already
3.) Well, color me impressed. The virtual displays look holodecky
4.) Damn, these be tall motherfuckers
5.) Have we not learned from our mistakes? Guess not. USA! USA! USA!
6.) I am mesmerized by colorful, spinning bugs
7.) Dude! I see Na'vi boobage!
8.) So are there like Samoan, fat Na'vi?
9.) This is reminding me of the time Sigourney Weaver tried saving Gorillas in the Mist
10.) These rhino-elephant creatures are very awe-ish. So is the rainbow plant life.
11.) Giovanni Ribisi is the best overacting actor of our generation
12.) Dude, it's like Top Gun but with dragony creatures. Maverick this is Goose...
13.) Holy Shit! They gonna do it!!! They gonna hook up their tentacles, use a condom bro
14.) The whole Native American angle is a bit overused...couldn't we just give them some whiskey and wait a few generations (oh snap! He just didn't say that)
15.) Ewoks vs Empire all over again...and yet somehow we all believe this is plausible
16.) Great job USA, you blew up a tree. Pat yourself on the back.
17.) So is Jake Sully....Obama or am I reading too much in to this. You the chosen one!
18.) Well this be my first 3D action flick and I'm loving every minute of it
19.) Damn, America can't even win a war in a movie, we suck
20.) I now have a slight headache but I'll admit Avatar is very breathtaking visually

21.) FYI. Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top is visually yumminess

If I have to give this a spinkick rating it be 3. I mean the last 3D flick I saw was My Bloody Valentine and the gimmick use of this format in that flick was slightly entertaining.

But James Cameron seems like the guy to be the chosen one to lead us into this new tech. I mean he made tall, blue smurfs look and feel "real". And you gotta give him his props. But that's the thing. Even the Star Wars fans know Lucas can't write or pen any sensible dialogue and Cameron seems to suffer from "Dialogue and plot may be regurgitated but this shit be in 3D!".

Avatar is simply visual eye candy that has pushed the envelope that we will now all be watching movies in funny sunglasses for the foreseeable future. Sigh.

Categories: 3d, avatar, my bloody valentine 3D, the wtf list

Awards are like gremlins, just add water to get more of em!

Well it looks like awards mania isn't done yet. It's like that damn H1N1, spreading like a 3rd graders toy collection. Well color me infected because I've gotten 2 more awards from some super awesome bloggers.

First up is the fantastically Frightening award as first seen on Day of the Woman. This one was bestowed on me by Andre @ The Horror Digest. You can check out the blurb about moi by click on the link here.....no here......ok this is the right link.

We usually disagree on some flicks but we both agree Rumer Willis looks like a Yeti.

I'm sure the other horrorsphere members will get this award so I'm passing this boobilicious award to some other cool under the radar bloggers that would appreciate some gratuitous partial nudity...

• The M'hael @ The Horror Club: Horror reviews with pictures of hotties in next to nothing
• Lurple @ Lurple: Obscure film reviews are the norm here and they are skewered into yumminess
• Jason aka The BoneBreaker @ The Mad Ravings of an Entertainment Junkie: Jason had one of the most awesome horror blogs out there before he went on hiatus. Here's hoping he comes back and starts blogging again
• Tower Farm: I LOL during all their picture reviews. Good times.
• Mike @ The Horror Geek: A professional horror journalist, I first read Mike's work at IGN. I head over to his site for all the news of the day

Well I've been following new blogs left and right after checking out these awards on other sites. That's the best thing of spreading this damn virus.

Finally, The Basement of Ghoulish Decadence has given the jaded viewer the Shit Eatin' Palance Award.

The only way to say thank you is by remaking 2 Girls, 1 Cup in 3D and starring Lindsay Lohan as "the cup". But if Jack Palance were alive today, he's say "Fuck you! Shit taste good"

So thanks Jayson at the Basement of Ghoulish Decadence for this award and I hope to one day tell James Cameron that this is the next evolution of 3D and he's guaranteed to make at least $3 from this epic viral video.

Categories: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Dollhouse "Getting Closer (TV Review)

If you've been an avid reader of this blog, you know I've been reviewing Dollhouse for UGO.com. Well that's sadly coming to a close as the series is down to 2 more episodes after this one. It's funny that now, Dollhouse is getting uber awesome, packing in characters that I adore and plot twists that have you scratching your head and high fiving at the same time, its all coming to an end.

I NEED MY WHEDON!!! HE IS MY MASTER NOW!!

So over the next few weeks, I'm going in depth-y and will splurge my thoughts, theories and overall excitement for Dollhouse.

You can read my latest review over at UGO.com for the episode "Getting Closer".

P.S. I had a nerdgasm when Amy Acker, Eliza Dushku, Summer Glau, Dichen Lachman and Liza Lapira all appeared in this episode. Yummy.

Categories: dichen lachman, dollhouse, dollhouse quotes, eliza dushku, joss whedon, liza lapira

Best Horror Movies of the Decade (Compilation from the horrorsphere)

Well with my compilation of sites and blogs who put up Best of... and Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009, seems other horror sites put up best horror movies of the decade (2000-2009). I'm like a wiki to all that is lists and I like aggregating things for everyone to make it easier.

So below you will find links to all your favorite sites and blogs that wrote up a Best Horror Movies of thee 2000s decade list.

Now keep saying nice things about me. I like that.

About.com
The Auteurs
AMC Horror Hacker
AMC Horror Hacker (Foreign Movies)
Arrow in the Head
Associated Content
Basement of Ghoulish Decadence
Bloody Disgusting
Bloody Good Horror
A Journey Through Cinematic Heaven and Hell
The Cinema Snob
Cinemaroll
Day of the Woman
Deadly Movies
Dinner with Max Jenke
Dollar Bin Horror
Dread Central
DreaminDemon
The Dust Bowl
Examiner.com
Exploding Heads
Fandomania
Fatally Yours
Film-Book.com
Film School Rejects
Gore Girl's Dungeon
The Great Geek Manual
HorrorBid
Horror Fatale
Horror Movie A Day
HorrorMovieFans.com
The Horror Section
HollyWire
MovieDriver
MovieSet
MovieWeb
No Room in Hell
OhNoTheyDidnt
Pajiba
Paradise of Horror
Reelz Channel
Screamstress
Shock Til You Drop

Spooky Brew
The Top 13
TotallyTop10

Unreality

The Worst Horror Movies of the Decade

The Vault of Horror

25 Best Kill Scenes of the Decade

Freddy in Space

Did I miss any sites? If so, let me know in the comments and I'll add them in.

Categories: Best Movies of 2009, Best Movies of the decade, links from the horrorsphere, top 10 horror movies of 2006, top 10 horror movies of 2007, top 10 horror movies of 2008, top 10 horror movies of 2009

Awards-O-Matic @ the jaded viewer!

WOW! It seems people actually read this thing. Yay me! Well, the jaded viewer got some praise from the horror blogosphere last week and after my post last week about how far the site has come in 3 years, it's finally resulted in some nominations for some neat-o awards for the site.

First up, the Kreativ Blogger Award (yup that's how its spelled)

Thanks to....

Matt @ Chuck Norris Ate My Baby
Chuck @ Zombies DON'T Run
Rev. Phanton @ Midnight Confessions
Hayes @ Hayes Hudson's House of Horror
Cortez the Killer @ Planet of Terror
B-Movie Becky @ The Horror Effect
Aleata Illusion @ Gore Gore Dancer

Lastly, the One Lovely Blog Award



Thanks to....

Chuck @ Zombies DON'T Run
Sarah @ Scare Sarah
Hayes @ Hayes Hudson's House of Horror
Cortez the Killer @ Planet of Terror
Chris @ All Things Horror

**********************************************************************

Seems I have to follow some rules for the Kreativ Blogger Award and return the favor. They are as follows:

1.) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2.) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3.) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4.) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5.) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6.) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7.) Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

OK here we go.....

1.) Done!

2.) Done!

3.) Done!

4.) Well this should be educational.

• I was a college radio station DJ for 3 years and would play punk rock and talk about myself in the 3rd person. I even got a cult following of tweens from a small upstate NY town.
• I was walking in the East Village in NYC and almost stepped on Famke Janssen's dog
• I worked at a video store while in college and worked in its "adult" section. I can now no longer look at porn the same way again.
• Years ago, Insano Steve and I drove to at least 5 different video stores across a hundred miles looking for Cannibal Ferox (we eventually found it in a video store next to a farm)
• I work for a video game/movie website doing tech related stuff
• I love Man vs Food and competitive eating
  
• I am a die hard Mets fan, bleeding orange and blue

5.) Well it seems the blogs I want to nominate have already been nominated. So I'm just gonna give my thoughts on how I feel about everybodys blog....screw the rules!

All Things Horror: Mike and Chris's opinions are always dead on and in sync with mine. One day I want to go to one of their screenings!

Basement of Ghoulish Decadence: Jayson's got a awesome collection and he shares them with all of us. Solid blog and eerily we got the same taste in flicks

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby: Matt can kill two stones with one bird. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a CNAMBtatorship.

Dollar Bin Horror: From my little quote: Dollar Bin Horror digs into the used bin of films and books that have gone the way of the dinosaur, repackages them into small morsels of insightful funnyness and keeps you posted on all things horror. And it's free to read!

Entertaining Evil: Rene spews his venom at all things pop culture. Dude curses more than me.

Freddy in Space: We all know Johnny and FIS. I gather horror inspiration every time I read his posts.

Full Moon Reviews: Fred's reviews are hil-freakin-larious. His Things I Learned from... are clever and creative. Good times.

Horror Dose: The rookie on the block. Chris's blog is right up my alley, short and to the point.

The Horror Digest: Andre's "Way to Go Moments..." keep making me comeback to the site over and over again. One of the best in the business.

Hayes Hudson's House of Horror: Hayes is a rookie but he's got my rookie of the year vote. Good stuff coming out from the House of Horror.

The Horror Effect: B-Movie Becky's reviews are hilarious and damn informative. Her reviews of the entire Nightmare on Elm Street series were muy bueno awesome.

Midnight Confessions: A brother in sleaze and exploitation flicks. We both keep the genre alive!

Planet of Terror: Well I won my first contest over at Planet of Terror. But Cortez the Killer sheds light to the good, the bad and the ugly of horror and its always unbiased and opinionated.

Scare Sarah: I don't know anybody from the UK. But Sarah's blog gives us an unAmerican perspective which is refreshing. Fantastic insights ranging from flicks to books.

Zombies DON'T Run: You never know what you'll get when Chuck puts up a post. It's like a grab bag of horror goodness.

Those are just a few of my little bloggity blog reviews of the horror blogosphere. Every blog on the right hand nav bar is awesome. Different spectives on horror.

If I missed anybody, don't worry. I'll write up something for you on the next award viralness that comes out.

Thanks you all for your support! Now I return you to your regularly scheduled program.....

Categories: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Best Horror Movies of 2009 (Compilation from the Interweb)

Well it's that time again where I make your life easier by compiling the top 10 (or best of) lists of every major film and horror site, horror blog and online magazine out there on the interwebs. I do this because I also like to see how it compares with my own list and because you deserve one place where you can go to instead of Googling for it.

About 70 or so lists are below (damn that's a hell-a-lot)

I haven't tallied all of them but checking on most of them, you'll see the same movies on the list though a lot of different #1's. Obviously, Drag Me To Hell, Orphan, Zombieland, Trick R Treat and Grace are among the ones on many people's lists.

Also, some movies that are sorta 2008-ish appear on many lists. A few have movies not widely released and some of the lists are Best Films of 2009 (not just horror).

However, most of these are horror lists and they are interesting to read. So sit back, grab a Capri Sun and munch on some leftover Christmas cookies and check out these sites below.

About.com (DTV)
About.com (Theatrical)
All Things Horror (Mike)
All Things Horror (Chris)
AMC Horror Hacker
ArticlesBase
Arrow in the Head

Awkward Press
Bloody Disgusting (Mr. Disgusting)
Bloody Disgusting (DH)
Bloody Disgusting (BC) (Horror Movie A Day)
Bloody Disgusting (RD)
Blood Disgusting (Tex)
Box Office Guru (in terms of $$$)
Buried.com
Chuck Norris Ate My Baby
Day of the Woman
Dead Lantern (Matt)
Divine Exploitation

Dollar Bin Horror
Dread Central (all lists)
DVD Spin Doctor
eSplatter
Examiner.com
Exploding Heads
Exploitation Nation
Evil on Two Legs
Fatally Yours

FEARNet
Fear of the Dark Online
Film.com
Film-Book.com
Film School Rejects
Fort Worth Weekly
Freddy in Space
Fun Enclave
The Horror Club (#1-5)
The Horror Club (#6-10)
Horror Dose
The Horror Geek (via Horror Squad)
Horror Movie A Day
HorrorScope
The Horror Section
HorrorMovies.ca (BTK)
HorrorMovies.ca (Deadhorse)
HorrorMovies.ca (Deadmanwalkin)
HorrorMovies.ca (Dustin)
HorrorMovies.ca (Justin)
HorrorMovies.ca (Meh)
Horrormovies.ca (GoldenSimatar)
HorrorMovies.ca (PoppaScotch)
Horror Squad (Brad)
Horror Squad (Peter)
Horror Yearbook
IGN
ILoveHorror.net
The Jaded Viewer (#1-10)
The Jaded Viewer (#11-20)
Kindertrauma
Majestic 51
Midnight Confessions
MoviesOnline.ca
Movie Cynics
Movie Reviews 360
Paradise of Horror
Rama's Screen
Rough Cut Reviews
Scars Magazine
Seattle PI
Shock Til You Drop (JA)
Shock Til You Drop (Rotten)
Shock Til You Drop (PD)
Shock Til You Drop (RD)
Spike.com
Sound on Sight
Suvudu

TopTenReviews
WFMU
Wild Side Cinema

WorldNewsBlog

Zombies are Magic

Did I miss any sites that should be on this list? Do you have a "Best of" or Top 10 list of 2009 you want added in? Leave a comment and I'll add it in.

And you can check out my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 as well. It's the one with the big ass font in the middle of that list.

Categories: Best Horror Movies of 2009, top 10 horror movies of 2009, top 10 underground cult movies of 2009

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#1-10)

Well here it is. My Top Horror Movies of 2009! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed a few sleepers and some hidden gems.

So this year's edition is a "fat as Texas" edition. I'm not just posting a top 10 list but adding #11-20 as well. If you missed #11-20 click here. This list from #11-20 you'll be surprised to find has many of the movies that can be found on the horrorsphere's Top 10 lists. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2008, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2009 as coming out in 2009.
  
• It's a mix of STV, indie horror and box office elephants.
  
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Anti Christ, Cold Prey, Infestation, 36 Pasos, Jennifer's Body, The Last House on the Left, Rec 2, The Descent 2 and countless others
• 3 films that almost made the list that now get the Honorable Mentions tag: The Burrowers (2 spinkicks), Carriers (2 and half spinkicks), Bad Biology (2 and half spinkicks)
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 13, UK=1, France =1, Korea =1, Canada=2, Norway=1, Sweden=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and a 1/2 spinkicks= 2, 3 spinkicks=10, 2 spinkicks and a half=1, 2 spinkicks=4
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.
• 4 spinkicks didn't necessarily guarantee you a higher place on the list.
  

So what did 2009 offer us in the world of horror?

• Shaky cam/POV horror makes a comeback that nobody saw coming
• All of Hollywood's remakes sucked and all were big giant turds
• The whispering killer kid movies stormed into the mainstream and excelled
• Zombie movies still packed a punch but vampire movies ruled the horror universe
• Long awaited movies made their much awaited DVD premieres
• My #1 movie is again not from the USA

Let's get to the list! Here is #10 to #1.

10.) Zombieland (3 spinkicks)

Zombieland is the only big blockbuster box office elephant in the top 10 and its one of the best zombie comedy movies to come out since Shaun of the Dead.

The "rules", Woody, the Bill Murray cameo and the zombie kill carnage are all top notch and so much fun.

To think this could have been a TV series is unbelievable as it works so perfectly as a movie. My favorite rules were "Double Tap" and "Enjoy the Little Things"

And there were a ton of little things in Zombieland that I highly enjoyed.

Read the full review here.


9.) Header (3 spinkicks and half)

Header was released by Synapse on DVD in 2009 which is why it qualifies as 2009. But why is a movie you've never heard of ranked #9 on my list?

Because of the title. What the hell is a header?

I can't tell you or it would ruin the entire movie. Let's just say Header is filled with a redneck Hatfields and McCoys war, moonshine and some of the most fucked up shit I've ever seen.

Header is the best underground horror movie of the 21st century. If you decide to cowboy up and watch Header, you are a fuckin sicko. A disturbed, fucked up individual.

And in doing so, you will be initiated into the elite club of having seen one of the most fucked up films ever made. Welcome to the club.

Read the full review here.

8.) Laid to Rest (3 spinkicks)

Our new slasher on the block Chromeskull will be remembered for his style, his knife and his damn sicko looking mask.

Laid to Rest is the best techno slasher movie of the 21st century. If Hatchet was old school American horror, Laid to Rest is new school American horror.

What Robert Hall has created here is purely an homage to all the slashers films that have come before. It's also a pure millennium based slasher film that is so sly and witty and full of top notch splatter and gore we all need to give him a standing O.

Laid to Rest should be seen if you call yourself a horror fan. It's easily one of the best horror movies of 2009.

Read the full review here.

7.) Pontypool (3 spinkicks)

Pontypool has been making many Top 10 lists and I'm adding it to mine.

Pontypool was a totally different type of pretzel I've never seen before.

It's an actually intelligent virus turning the masses into a bunch of crazies type movie that can be perceived in many ways. Is it a satire of censorship? A commentary on geopoliticalisms? Or is it just a suspense driven horror film to scare the crap out of you.

Well, it's all 3 and so much more.

You'll dread you speak the English language.

Read the full review here.

6.) Let the Right One In (3 spinkicks)

I had said I wanted to put this on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008, but I kinda watched it too late. As technically we all saw this on DVD in 2009, it cements itself here at #6.

Dump more praise on the Let the Right One In bandwagon.

A movie about a 12 year old girl engulfed in vampire lore is so full of innocence and dramatic despair that it's more emotional and more touching then seeing some vampire teens whining about their iPods.

More importantly, this movie is about loneliness and the connections we have in our lives.Plus seeing a 12 year old vamp suck blood seems kinda sick and awesome at the same time.

Read the full review here.

5.) Trick R Treat (4 spinkicks)

A top 10 list is not complete without having Trick R Treat on it right?

One of the best anthologies to come out in a while, this creative and unique Halloween themed campfire tales was the perfect movie to see on October 31st.

Trick 'R Treat is the best Halloween movie since Halloween. For an anthology collection, it ranks right up there with Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt.

You wonder why nobody makes movies like these anymore. I'm going all Nostradamus here but I think TRT will spawn more anthology horror movies and either that's a good thing or a poisoned candy apple.

And who can forget our new "what the hell is he?" rookie slasher of the year: Sam. One of the most scariest WTF killers to come on the horrorverse in quite a long time.

Trick R Treat was hyped and lived it up. BOO!

Read the full review here.

4.) Black Devil Doll (4 spinkicks)

The moment after I saw Black Devil Doll, it was guaranteed a spot on my Top 10 list. Think blaxsploitation, slasher flick, Skinemax and comedy all thrown into a blender and your waxing your carrot while waiting.

That's Black Devil Doll.

Black Devil Doll is the apex of all modern day blaxploitation movies, filled with sleazy humor, tons of nudity and splatter happy gore. Harking back to the old grimy and sticky Times Square grindhouse days, Black Devil Doll is a tour de force of debauchery, insanity and nudity.

And it has a Muthafuckin Puppet!

Read the full review here.

3.) Deadgirl (3 and a half spinkicks)

Deadgirl is like a depraved, warped up horror version of Stand by Me. Think an indie film with a horror element Romero-ed into it. Such is the beauty and the chill sicko-ness of Deadgirl, definitely one of the top 10 horror movies of 2009.

I've seen films where as I'm watching I feel really ashamed to be seeing this. Deadgirl so disturbing yet highly provocative that at the end you feel dirty, kinda ugh and your definitely not Jersey Shore fist pumping in the air. But when a movie like this comes along, you have to give it a standing O.

Read the full review here.




2.) Thirst (4 spinkicks)

I watched Thirst at the end of the year. It was one of those "its on a lot of Best of lists" so before I lock down my list, I needed to see this. And what did it do?

It knocked some good movies out of the Top 10 and flew up to #2. Now that says a lot doesn't it?

Chan-wook Park's Thirst is more than a vampire movie it's a morality tale of how absolute power can corrupt absolutely. It has so many layers, that each of the 3 separate acts could have been turned into their own movie.

Chan-wook Park established himself with his Vengeance Trilogy. Those movies revolutionized the action genre. With Thirst he's done it again. The horror genre will never be the same.

Read the full review here.

1.) Martyrs (3 spinkicks)

Yup. Another French movie is #1 on my list for the 2nd year in a row. Lo and behold the fuckedupness that is Martyrs. It's the most controversial, I loved it-I hated it, film of 2009. From every voice in the horror world, nobody can stop talking about this film.

I came down on the "I absolutely LOVED it" side. Why?
Martyrs has sort of created a new subgenre of horror. Uber-surreal torture-core.

It's a twisblended hybrid of the Argentoism, pure unrelenting grindy torture-core and horror taken to a transcendent level.

That's not to say I didn't have my gripes. It's almost pointless at times until you get to the end and figure what the whole thing is about. For 100 minutes, if you take the visceral challenge, you may have been a martyr yourself.

The ending is an absolute marathon to watch but when you see the finish line and finally realize what the whole thing was about, you begin to think back on everything you just witnessed. Some have said it's absolutely pointless, I beg to differ.

The definition of Martyr is "to witness". And after seeing this movie, you feel like Anna in the movie. It's a transcendent horror movie, one that makes us endure the most horrific scenes I've ever seen and than drops a bombshell and says it's all for the better good.

To witness Martyrs is to challenge yourself and to think about the endless possibilities of existence. And for that experience, it's my #1 horror movie of 2009.

the jaded viewer related linkage:

• Top Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20)
• The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009
• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#10-1)
• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#20-11)

****************************************************

OK, I know you horror minions have your 2 cents. So go ahead and let me have it. Throw that smelly poop at me or if on the off chance you partially agreed on some of my picks, send me that love. Chime in and let me know what you think.

This list of the Top 20 Horror Movies of 2009 also is an opportunity to see the movies you may have missed that made many of the best of 2009 within the horror community. We all missed a few flicks here and there. I hope you all give all of these movies a chance and then come back and let me know what's the what.

Next up: The Best Horror Movies of 2009 (A compilation from the horrorsphere)




Tags:
Top 10 horror movies of 2009, best horror movies 2009 , top slasher movies 2009 , 2009 horror movies

Categories: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, black devil doll review, martyrs review, the jaded viewer, top 10 horror movies of 2009, top 20 horror movies of 2009

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20)

Well here it is. My Top Horror Movies of 2009! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed a few sleepers and some hidden gems.

So this year's edition is a "fat as Texas" edition. I'm not just posting a top 10 list but adding #11-20 as well. This list of #11-20 you'll be surprised to find has many of the movies that can be found on the horrorsphere's Top 10 lists. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2008, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2009 as coming out in 2009
  
• It's a mix of STV, indie horror and box office elephants
  
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Anti Christ, Cold Prey, Infestation, 36 Pasos, Jennifer's Body, The Last House on the Left, Rec 2, The Descent 2 and countless others
• 3 films that almost made the list that now get the Honorable Mentions tag: The Burrowers (2 spinkicks), Carriers (2 and half spinkicks), Bad Biology (2 and half spinkicks)
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 13, UK=1, France =1, Korea =1, Canada=2, Norway=1, Sweden=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and a 1/2 spinkicks= 2, 3 spinkicks=10, 2 spinkicks and a half=1, 2 spinkicks=4
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.
  

So what did 2009 offer us in the world of horror?

• Shaky cam/POV horror makes a comeback that nobody saw coming
• All of Hollywood's remakes sucked and all were big giant turds
• The whispering killer kid movies stormed into the mainstream and excelled
• Zombie movies still packed a punch but vampire movies ruled the horror universe
• Long awaited movies made their much awaited DVD premieres
• My #1 movie is again not from the USA

Let's get to the list! Here is #20 to #11.

20.) The Hills Run Red (2 spinkicks)

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

Read the full review here.


19.) Grace (2 spinkicks)

Grace is on many Top 10 lists this year. Can you believe I have this as #19?

Before you start throwing dirty diapers at me, I liked some moments in the film but as I wrote:

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme...

Read the full review.



18.) Evil Things (2 spinkicks and a half)

Overshadowed by Paranormal Activity, Rec and others, Evil Things takes the shaky cam and blends in some home invasion.

Finally, the movie is making the rounds on the horror blogosphere and getting the praise it deserves.

Read the full review here.



17.) The House of the Devil (2 spinkicks)

The House of the Devil is another one of those movies that's way up top on many best of lists. I loved the 80s nostalgia throwback machine but hated the slow burn.

I was not a fan of devil worshipping movies to begin with so I couldn't enjoy this as much as the rest of the horrorverse.

That isn't to say I didn't find moments of suspense and WTF craziness in The House of the Devil. It teases you with creepy moments and visual candy.

A very decent movie from Ti West that should be applauded just for the fact that it didn't adhere to all the conventions of 2009 horror.

Read the full review here.

16.) Drag Me To Hell (2 spinkicks)

Sam Raimi's return to horror was overhyped to say the least. Drag Me To Hell is vintage Raimi, no doubt and others have deemed this as one of the best this year.

No argument by me. I enjoyed seeing Deadite like goofiness and ocular trauma splattered with that Raimi-ness.

But why do I have this dismally at #16? Well I had a problem with the main character Christine. She was not the heroine I was expecting and played victim throughout.

It's basically Evil Dead lite. And I was wishing for the epic good vs evil Raimi horror of old.

Read the full review here.


15.) End of the Line (3 spinkicks)

Haven't heard of End of the Line? Most of America hasn't either. This little Canadian flick was released on DVD this year and blew me away by making the horror movie on a train work...and work well.

Basically it's religious cult going all homicidal on a train and the survivors trying to stay alive.

Somehow, I just dug it though it gets a little weird towards the end.

It's a sleeper movie of 2009 that should get its props.

Read the full review here.



14.) Paranormal Activity (3 spinkicks)

Paranormal Activity is one of the movies bumped from the Top 10. Everytime I would see another awesome movie, PA got knocked down a few steps. But it really did amp up the shot on video/POV horror film just like the Blair Witch Project did.

It's those night vision, sleep moments that are creepy and scary as hell. Simply said, I wrote:

Paranormal Activity is a very creepy and scary movie that follows the shaky cam/found footage formula to a tee. It doesn't live up to the hype, but it does get very close. The movie relies on ingrained fear of the unknown and tosses some sound effects, shadow and bizarre creepiness and an ending that people won't forget.

Read the full review here.

13.) The Children (3 spinkicks)

The second best killer kid movie of 2009. The Children is appearing on many lists and deservedly so. The best part is that the virus that has turned them into serial tots is never explained adding more to the mystery.

The adults play like victim fodder for a change and there are plenty of WTF moments.

The theme that plays throughout is the moral dilemma of the act of killing a kid to defend yourself or to save a loved one.

Those who are brave enough to watch The Children, you will never see a playground the same way again.

Read the full review here.


12.) Dead Snow (3 spinkicks)

It's Nazi Zombies!!!!!

I've been waiting for a Nazi zombie film for such a long time and Dead Snow is horror comedy that doesn't shy away from giving awesome LOLs and Kool Aid blood arterial spraying on white snow.

Blood, splatter, self aware Norwegian horror characters and chainsaws.

What more do you need for a good horror comedy?

Read the full review here.




11.) Orphan (3 spinkicks)

Orphan should be part of the Top 10 but I had to make the tough decision of who should be excluded. And Orphan was wedged into the #11 spot. I think this movie is on every top 10 list I've seen so far...but sadly not on mine.

Isabelle Fuhrma's performance is one of the best of the year, the scenes of Esther carnage are brutally sadistic (for a Hollywood movie) and the "twist" (one I predicted early on) still is one of the most clever explanations used in a horror movie in a long time.

Definitely the best killer kid movie this year and one of the biggest surprises in the box office elephant department.

Read the full review here.

jaded viewer related linkage:

Continue on to the Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 #1-10........

• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#10-1)
• Check out The Jaded Viewer's Top 10 Horror Movies of 2010 (#20-11)

Tags:
Top 10 horror movies of 2009, best horror movies 2009 , top slasher movies 2009 , 2009 horror movies

Categories: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, top 10 horror movies of 2009

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009

I didn't see many of the considered worst movies of 2009. I realized that it would be a waste of money and I would go home with a serious headache if I had to endure 90 minutes of crap. So I didn't see Halloween 2, The Unborn and countless others.

I did go see a few of the Hollywood remakes and straight to DVD crap that came out and so I compiled a list of quotes of the worst movies of 2009 I did see. My advice to you is to avoid these movies at all costs. Sometimes the cover art looks good, possibly a hot chick on the cover looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, but in reality its 90 minutes of a girl looking at herself in the mirror.

Enjoy these LOLs quotes from the worst movies of 2009!

"Think of Against the Dark as the poor, bastard cousin of I am Legend. It's like 28 Days Later but with horrible acting, reusable vampire stuntmen and stuntwomen and Seagal barely lifting his sword in any action scenes."

-from Against the Dark Review

"These wasps don't have any creativity in them. All they came up with were sudden attacks in a house or an attack in the farmland which is lame. These motherfuckin wasps should be attacking teenagers while they are having sex. Or better yet stinging in unison some newborn or some 105 yr old grandma whose bolting on her walker."

-from Black Swarm Review


"She's so distraught by her mommy's death, she starts seeing hot blondes in Victoria Secret lingere. I wish that would happen to me when I'm sad."

-from Born Review

"Well she pushed the button which of course had to happen or there wouldn't be a movie right? I mean what would happen if she didn't? Would we watch a flick where Cameron Diaz went to work, has to choose b/w 2 different guys and hilarity ensues (like all her chick flick movies)"

-from The Box Review

3.) Your leg is now completely broken and you can have your wife do one of two things...

Send her to get help all alone and leave you to probably die a slow and painful death. Turn to page 76.

Have her amputate your leg with a rusty knife (yeah it's going to hurt a fuckin lot). Turn to page 54.

-from The Canyon Review

"I did mention the CGI was hilariously bad right? There are two scenes that make this milk coming out of your nose funny.....The other scene is a supposed explosion of a cabin. The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera."

-from Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten Review

"So as our 3 really dumb Brit chicks accept an offer from some rich, young Brit dudes to go aboard their yacht and do drugs, you can see this is going to Natalie Holloway into really bad fuckedupness."

-from Donkey Punch Review

"Really? 3 different endings in a span of 6 minutes? Pick one already!"

-from Dying Breed Review

"WTF?!?!? You never see the slasher run. EVER!!! He ALWAYS runs off screen to get ahead of the would be victim. That's why Jason would always be breathing heavily. Yeah I know he ran in Part 3 but its unfuckinbelievable they messed this shit up. It's in the fuckin slasher handbook."

-from Friday the 13th Remake Review

"It's a PG-13 rash of suicides movie. I didn't think that was even possible...."

-from From Within Review

"Is there a scene where one of them says "We can lose him in the woods."?.....When has a victim fodder ever thought they could outrun a killer in the woods? I mean honestly."

-from Gnaw Review

"The dialogue is cluttered with every vulgarity and sexual nastiness you can think of. Blowtorch mediaval torture. What else can I say?"

from Hanger Review

"It literally was 90 minutes of the dude acting nuts. Sure you can bang some Euro chick and then add a twist ending. But seriously, how does one get funding for a lame Shining ripoff."

-from Killing Ariel Review

"Let me say this. I've never seen a bog. Seems like a puddle of muddy water to me. How you can possibly justify a movie about bog bodies coming to life is unfuckinbelievable."

-from Legend of the Bog Review

"Also, after a while I got used to the 3D and it loses it's novelty....By the end, it started giving me a headache. And it's not like the 3D is that amazing. I was kinda expecting the stuff to literally fly out of the screen like in the commercial. I had read that the 3D gore would 'kick my ass', and the 3D nudity was so good, I could "cop a feel". Shit would change my life. Not quite."

-from Insano Steve's My Bloody Valentine 3D Review


"But remember, this is a man vs nature theme and both husband and wife take part in "messing with nature". From killing ants, throwing plastic bags and beer bottles into the ocean, to smashing eagle's eggs, they are the environment's public enemy #1. The final straw is broken when Peter kills a sea cow with his rifle. You just don't mess with sea cows."

-from Nature's Grave Review

"The fight scenes are badly executed, the dialogue a little cheesy and the costumes look like they were bought at a less than a dollar store."

-from Jack Ketchum's Offspring Review

"The reveal/twist lasts for 20 minutes! OMG, it was such overkill I can't believe they actually did that. We flashback into all the subtle conversation hints YOU should have picked up on while eating your $6 bag of popcorn."

-from A Perfect Getaway Review

"A few of the kill scenes are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about."

-from Perkins 14 Review

Cruelaity #1: Alan (a staff member) ridicules and belittles Ronnie at every moment.
The Comeback Kill: Alan becomes the unfortunate victim of penis fishing as his wanker is ripped off by some fishing line attached to a jeep. (that's gonna be some bait!)

-from Return to Sleepaway Camp Review

"After a walking tour of a festival, their tour guide Ping abandons them in the middle of Nowhere, China. You’d think a country filled with a billion people would not have any nowheres. But you’d be wrong."

-from Seventh Moon Review

"The horrible filler of bad acting, from moonshine dialogue and hunting references, can't be ignored. The attacks by our Wild Man make a SyFy channel original movie look like a masterpiece."

-from Wild Man of the Navidad Review

"But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap."

-from Wrong Turn 3 Review

Hope you enjoyed that quoteable quotes list. Don't worry, my Best Horror Movies of 2009 list will be posted later this week!

Categories: 2009 horror movies, friday the 13th 2009, worst movies of 2009

Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?

This is going to be a fun week here @ the jaded viewer. I've got a ton of yuck yuck posts going live this week which include:

• The Best Quotey Quoatbles from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009
• Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20)
• Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#1-10)
• Best Horror Movies of 2009 (Compilation of all the blogs and horror sites across the interweb that have put up a top 10 or best of list of 2009)

Now on to some fun facts about the blog so far!

• The jaded viewer will celebrate it's 3rd birthday on January 15th. I officially launched the site with this post of the Top 10 Horror Movies of 2006 on January 15th, 2007. An interesting tidbit is it wasn't until August 07 that I dedicated my time to update it regularly
• We now have over 30 followers on Google Connect (Thanks!)
  
• We also have over 130 followers on Twitter! (Double Thanks!)
• I'm now up to 460 posts...closing in on 500!
• Insano Steve is freakin lazy when I give him something to review so I may want to have some guest posts this year

Things to look forward to in 2010

• I've got a few more DVDs to review (some horror, some straight to DVD)
• More The Shortround (to keep shorts on the horror radar)
• More Horror Hotties (if you've got a suggestion let me know)
• More The Threads (because arguing about things is fun!)
• More random lists (because who doesn't like lists)
• More features about the horrorverse

Again, I'd like to thank everyone whose supported the jaded viewer over the last few years. I started this 3 years ago because I love horror movies and wanted to share my thoughts to the horror community. Your comments and replies have been awesome.

But basically I wanted to make you guys laugh with everything I write and post on here. If you got a chuckle out of a review or a list or a feature, then this blog has done its job.

So if your a follower of the jaded viewer or somebody whose stumbled on here, thanks for supporting the site!

Follow me via Google Connect (its on the right hand nav bar) and via Twitter.

Categories: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Is it 2010 already? In 5 years we should have flying cars! (Happy New Year from the jaded viewer!)

I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Hope you all had fun celebrating.

I can't believe it's 2010 already. In the future timeline of movies here is what we will be promised....

• By 2015 we should have flying cars (BTTF trilogy)
• By 2029 Skynet will have wiped out humanity and we will all be part of the resistance (Terminator series)
  
• In 2 years (2012), the world ends (well that kinda sucks) (2012)
  

Those things may never happen, but what WILL definitely happen next week is you will get to read my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009! And here's the big news. This is going to be a jaded viewer "fat as Texas" edition as I'm extending it to 20 movies this year!!!

Yes horror minions, the Best Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20) and (#1-10) will be posted next week. That's a kick ass way to kick off the new year. By reflecting on the year in horror and checking out what kicked ass.

Also, I'll be posting my very handy compilation list of every major horror site and blog's Best Horror Movies of 2009. I've been compiling it and if you have one, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment below and I'll include it.

Well in the world of horror, we got some very bad 80s horror movies made about this holiday. New Years Evil (yikes!). But look at what we have here. A new 80s cheesefest horror movie called Bloody New Year!

Here you go. Check out the trailer.

Happy New Year from the jaded viewer!!!

Categories: happy new year, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer