a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, indie, asian, exploitation films and haunted houses
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Prayer to a Vengeful God (Trailer)
Last year, I reviewed a great indie crime noir film called The Local, directed by Dan Eberle. I gave it 3 spinkicks because it was like a Charles Bukowski poem come to life. Well Eberle is back with his latest movie called Prayer to a Vengeful God and from the trailer it seems its a combination of tearful drama and a gritty revenge noir film put together.
So what's it about?
After the tragic murder of his wife, and mortal wounding at the hands of her murderer, John Krause wakes up from a four-month dream, to a waking nightmare of pain, addiction, violation, loss, and finally, all-consuming vengeance.
PRAYER TO A VENGEFUL GOD is the story of one man’s journey from successful, upper-class citizen, to debilitated mentalcase, to battle-hardened street killer. All to kill a man he’s never met, to commemorate a wife he never really knew.
Told in a lyrical cinematic style, entirely without dialogue, PRAYER TO A VENGEFUL GOD is a silent study of how the lust for revenge twists and rends, and despite its carnal satisfactions, can never change the past.
Hmmm, its completely without dialogue? Now I'm intrigued. I'm not sure how Eberle will pull this off but he's talented enough to do it.
Check out the Facebook page for more info. Its looking like it will be released Fall 2010.
Nobody makes serial killer movies anymore. Sure, we get the occasional made for TV movie but the sleazoid epic is pretty much extinct.
Well Paul South and Bill Taft aim to change that by profiling one of the most notorious though largely unfamous American serial killers of all time. Bob Berdella: The Kansas City Butcher.
Berdella's crimes are as sadistic as Dahmer's, Gacys, etc. However, few have heard of him. He's got his own Wikipedia page so we know when they say this is based on true events....well it is.
As for the film, Berdella is clearly an echo to Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer. It's unrelentless in its depiction of Berdella. He is an odd man, with peculiar friends and his crimes were horrific. Watching this film was like viewing an Unsolved Mysteries episode though if it were made for a grindhouse audience. Sorta docu-horror, it balances between that world of documentary with pure horror chillness.
What you get is a simply a film that is wicked as hell, but raw and gritty as a Henry or a Dahmer. Berdella seems to be a combination of both of them. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Bob Berdella, Kansas City’s most notorious serial killer, was most notable for luring young men to his home throughout the 1980s. He drugged them and tortured them, repeatedly experimenting to see how much pain he could cause them and still keep them alive. And when he went too far, his victims died. He cut up their bodies and set them out with the garbage.... (via Horror Society)
What you'll notice right away about the film is the throwback scratchy look of the film. From the opening grindhouse title intro to the color schemes that saturate the film, it's made to look like a vintage Times Square shock film. I don't know if this is intentional but it really feels like a 80s VHS 3rd generation dub that I got through a dealer at a horror convention.
At about 80 or so minutes, it's all about Bob. The movie follows Bob through his hard drinking, his day job at Bob’s Bazaar Bizarre where he sold offbeat items and his obsession with all things gay. It's this daily life look that makes Bob Berdella seem ordinary.
But he definitely doesn't give off the "hey he looked like a normal guy" sorta look. Fat, balding and with a vintage Selleck mustache, Berdella looks shady and he is. When night falls, Berdella is a predator Chris Hansen would be scared shitless of.
The movie chains most of the more prolific murders into the movie with one man being hammered, another having his eyes evacuated and also being electrocuted by some starter cables. All these end with asphyxiation via plastic bag. The Gore-ipedia is raw and fucked up as advertised. Tons of blood and splatter are on display and it's not for the squeamish. What we get for a WTF moment is full frontal penis shots. And you're just unprepared to see it. But its true to Berdella, who was a homosexual serial killer who picked up his victims in gay clubs and bars. It's this truthiness that makes Berdella seem oh so real life cruel and deparaved. As is Seth Correa's performance as Berdella. Correa plays him eccentric and odd and we can feel like he is as bizarre and fucked up as can be. Even his friends and the occasional stranger encounter the off-ness of Berdella but most can't believe that a serial killer could be in their midst.
The movie does suffer from inconsistent performances by the would be victims as well as Correa. The dialogue at times is clunky and a scene with mysterious chili hints at a Dahmer Top Chef but then goes nowhere. Exploitation films were never known for their acting but if all this was intentional, to me it knocks a spinkick off the rating.
Berdella is a time machine to the mid 80s and its filmed in a world full of VHS-ness of the time. If there was an indie horror equivalent of McNaughton's Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Berdella definitely qualifies. These days, serial killers are made to be likeable (see Dexter) and even are made into PG-13 Lifetime movies of the week. But turn over the other side of the coin, you get Berdella. His crimes were fucked up and the movie plays it out as such.
If you don't get the wiggins watching this, it hasn't done it's job.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Feeling like seeing an uber fucked up serial killer movie? Then Berdella is my pick and coming from the jaded viewer, that's high praise. The DVD is available now from the official site. Also check out the Facebook and Twitter pages for more info.
I like how South and Taft marketed this flick. The pictures in the screener they sent me have various grindhouse looks and serial killer sarcasm. It's like they were parodying the fandom that has arisen with serial killers of late. Very clevery.
Critique This! The 4 Types of Critics that I love to HATE
You'd think it would be hypocritical of me to write a post about critics I hate being a supposed pseudo movie critic myself. But oddly, established critics sway what we all think of movies when they come out and they think they know everything about everything regarding movies. I'll tell you straight out, I don't know everything but when I review a movie, I do it subjectively and will tell you what I liked and disliked.
If I like a movie a lot, I will freakin tell you everything I LOVED about it like a Star Trek fanboy next to the Shat. If I hate or dislike a movie, I will comepletely make fun of it and bash it into smithereens. It's just how I roll, its total extreeminess.
I don't have a favorite movie critic myself but I do check Rotten Tomatoes and MetaCritic to look at the averages to see if a movie I want to see is great, average or utter shit. I use to check out all of Roger Ebert reviews and did watch Siskel and Ebert back in the day, but I began to realize old people had different tastes from young people so their opinions weren't really attuned to mine.
As a DISCLAIMER, let me say I respect some fellow critics. Many have the credentials to back up reviews. Many have been in the industry, others have seen more movies than me and others just are an encyclopedia when it comes to their favorite genres. But their are the ones below that I just fuckin wanna punch in the face. You'll ALL know what I mean.
So here ya go. The 4 types of critics I love to hate. 1.) The Celebri-CRITIC
Yes, these are your Roger Eberts and Harry Knowles. When Ebert chided the video game community about video games not being art, he was so fuckin full of himself. Fuck you Ebert. Your a movie critic and you shouldn't add your 2 cents in about something you know nothing about. But I digress. The celebri-critic is a failed filmmaker or a guy at the right time and at the right place who got his 15 and extended the shit out of it. You see them being the "movie expert" when interviewed.
Ugh. These people get on my nerves as their celebrity-ism seems unjustified due to their lack of cred. It's just a dude's opinion and somehow they've become a representative of a certain age group. Ebert for the neo moviephiles and Knowles for the fan boys. So what we've got is these celebri-critics at times misrepresenting moviegoers thoughts on a particular movie because they are the "voice" of that group.
Plus they're probably just being bribed by the studios anyway.
2.) The Old Guys CRITIC
Lots of newspaper critics get to see their blurbs in their own newspapers. I hate the movie advertisements in newspapers. Because I know some old guy who has been reviewing movies since the 1920s seems to think the movie about a 10 year old who lost his dog is "the best family movie of the year!".
Really sir? Also within this old guys type of critic are the radio reviewers. Really? They still review movies on the radio? Has anybody actually heard of a movie review on the radio? I group the newspaper and radio movie reviewers into the old guys group.
They are dinosaurs and only like movies in black and white. God forbid you don't get why Watchmen was awesome or why Kick Ass was so much fun. When the old guys review horror, they've already attached a negative review.
I'm so glad you guys will be unemployed in a few years. All the dinosaurs will die. Reduced to oil to make my car go "Vrooom!"
3.) The Tour De Force Guy CRITIC
I know, I know. It's to easy to make fun of the tour de force guy. But every time I see read a tour de force review, I wanna smack these people in the face. The main characteristics of this type of critic is they believe they have a MENSA movie IQ. You need to Wikipedia all the references they make in their reviews. They make obscure references to some old flicks 3 people have seen. They reference Fellini and Welles and think Scorsese is a demi-god.
Here is an example from some critic from the Minneapolis Star Tribune about Inception.
"Nolan's film is surely the most ambitious psychological thriller ever, and yet also the most personal. His baroque imagination makes most directors' efforts look like beach-pail sand castles alongside Mad King Ludwig's Neuschwanstein Castle."
Fuck your baroque imagination and your Mad King Ludwig Neuschwanstein Castle.
4.) The Freelance-Blogger CRITIC
Well finally its our turn folks. We too are some of the biggest assholes I've ever seen. I group myself into the critic I love to hate. We're the web nerds who voice their 2 cents about ANY movie we've seen. But sometimes we to don't do a good job of actually reviewing movies.
Lot-o-bloggers just write a 3 sentence review that resembles this:
"Predators was awesome! Lots of blood and gore and the girl in it was hot! Go see it!"
I'd hope we'd write something a little more intelligent than that dribble. Sure I do this as well and take the shortcut review with my WTF Lists. But I do those for shits and giggles. When I try to review a film, I try to make it humorously while doing a little bit of analysis. I have no idea if it works but some think so.
We have to be a little bit better when we review films and you know the interwebs community is more harsher when it comes to feedback. If you really hated a flick everybody loved, say so. The blogger critic is a mixed bag of nuts. It's fandom meets pseudo objectivism. A total pot roast of a reviewer and probably the most important movie critic for the future.
Well that's my critique of critics. Hell if I know if you all agree or want to kick my ass but we all utilize our 1st amendment rights when we log into Blogger or Wordpress. I don't hate all critics and their are quite a few I highly respect with most of them coming from the horror blogosphere.
But I'll continue to be hypocritical when I check on whether or not some movie is "Fresh" or has a high MetaCritic score. I hate these critics, but I just gotta know what the score is.
The summer movies are in full swing and without a doubt Inception is probably going to be the best movie of the summer blockbusters. It's almost made like a bajillion dollars already and the critics are dry humping this movie. Color me interested.
So Inception had to be seen to see what the fuss was all about. And it is indeed freakin awesome. It's a thinking man's movie filled with ideas and layers and more layers. But at its core, Inception is original and different. So many movies these days are remakes, sequels or stories from other mediums. Christopher Nolan wrote the story over 8 years or so and though it draws from what's been done before, it's cleverly unique. Don't call it The Matrix meets something. I hate when critics do that.
So I bring you a WTF List within a WTF List. Oh its gonna get trippy.
1.) I will always think of Leo DiCaprio as Luke, the homeless kid Kirk Cameron adopts on Growing Pains (but I do think he is a solid actor and I usually buy into the characters he plays) 2.) The # of Dark Knight returning actors is a little much 3.) Well things are getting a little Matrixy 4.) The falling down/water "kick" is completely real (I usually wake up when I feel like I'm falling in a dream) 5.) The thing about Ellen Page is she seems like somebody you'd actually like to hang out with, whereas the wife (Marion Cotillard) you'd just want 10 minutes with (if you know what I'm saying) 6.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt is no longer Tommy from 3rd Rock to me anymore. Ever since I saw him in Brick, the dude can freakin act. 7.) Michael Cane could be in a KFC commercial and it would win Best Picture 8.) Shit's flipping and flopping and its just seamless CGI. Nothing looks too computer generaty. 9.) Obviously, you have to watch and listen closely to understand what's happening. I did. But the other jabronis in the theater are fuckin retarded. Jabronis can only compute: Hot girl, big explosions and celebrity sighting. How in the world will they understand Inception???? 10.) It's a heist movie but in dreams. It gets a little complicated, I thought I needed to put what I saw seeing in a Powerpoint graph. 11.) SPOILER (sorta) Airplane (real!) Van chase (Dream 1) Hotel (Dream 2) Snow Mountains (Dream 3) The buildings crumbling you saw in the trailer (Limbo). Got that? 12.) I turned back to see how everybody was enjoying the flick and there were 90% faces of confusion. I'm going to conclude they are gonna so IMDB after they watch the flick so they can explain to their friends how cool it was because they didn't understand it in the first place. 13.) The subconscious is full of some heavy weaponry and lots of car chases and explosions 14.) Upon retrospect, this is how the movie plays out:
Ending of the movie is at the beginning,
The tutorial for us the audience
Recruitment of heisters
We are told what the fuck "Inception" actually is
The wildly ambiguous ending!
15.) I came to the realization after seeing this movie that I missed a few things and I'll probably have to watch it again to "get them" 16.) Sneaking into Inception a half hour in or an hour in would be super pointless. 17.) The few jokes that were sporadic...worked 18.) I hope to visit Limbo one day....seems kinda awesome 19.) The movie had to end with a wildy non solid ambigious ending...I called it before the movie started. 20.) Here's my take on the ending (SPOILERS!!!!!)...............
He's still dreaming. We didn't see Cobb waking up from the others dreams (limbo, snowy world, hotel or the van). We saw Ariadne "wake up" from each different dreamscape. All we saw was him wake up on the plane. The fact that he still sees his kids the way he saw him in his dreams says he's still dreaming.
Of course I could be wrong as the spinning top looked like it was about to fall (which is the way he knows he's not dreaming). It's open ended but that's my theory.
All of Nolan's films have ended with a little downer and I don't think Inception ending with everything working out. He's still dreaming and I'm sticking with it.
But than again, this is not really a WTF List of Inception. You're actually dreaming your reading this in front of your computer (what the hell kind of dream is this?) Or do you really think your reading this review of Inception and think its in reality.
It's Comic Con Time! What's your other side of geekiness???
San Diego Comic Con 2010 starts today and lots of my friends are at SD as I speak. I've been to New York Comic Con twice and its quite crazy and massive. It's an experience everybody has to have once so we all can channel our inner geek (because being a geek is now so fashionably cool).
As this site is mostly devoted to 70% horror, cult and exploitation geekiness, there are a couple of other followings I am also a part of. Why am I going to tell you what these are?
Because an unknown masked man has pointed a gun to my head and demanded I tell you all!!!!
You all know some part of you has some other geeky following you're a part of...I'm just admitting it now because my life depends on it! OK so here we go.
Star Trek: Yes folks, I'm 60% Trekkie. I watched all the series but I really dug TNG and DS9 mostly. I loved JJ Abrams reboot and I do have a few DVDs and toys in my home. Make it so!
Harry Potter: I'll admit it. I read ALL THE BOOKS and have watched all the movies. Somehow back in 2000, I was led to believe it was acceptable for a man in his 20s to read a childrens book and I got hooked. Wands, potions, Voldemort and Hogwarts. I'm a muggle but I love me some magic.
Back to the Future: Great Scott! This is my favorite trilogy ever (more than Star Wars or the Matrix, etc). I've always been a time travel diehard and really considered getting a DeLorean at one point (I'm not kidding)
Tarantino: I'm a big Quentin Tarantino fan and have all his movies (well except Inglorious Basterds and Grindhouse (that shits gotta be one movie dammit!). We're all Q.T. fans in some form but his movies are totally MUST SEE for me.
Kevin Smith: Yup, I dig the fat man from Jersey. I've seen all his films (well except Cop Out as I'll wait to see this on DVD). I've actually seen Smith perform his Evening with at Carnegie Hall. It was mega awesome.
OK...is that enough Mr. Masked Man with the very large hand cannon? I've admitted all my geekiness to the blogosphere. What more do you want??
You want others to tell everybody what their hidden geek cult following is as well? OK guys and gals, what are you a secret devoted follower of? C'mon now, time to share.
It's Comic Con time. It's the perfect time to reveal your inner geekiness. Umm and the masked man really wants to know.....
(if I missed anyone who sent this my way, my apologies!) Award Rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you this award 2. Share 7 things about yourself. 3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic for whatever reason! (in no particular order…) 4. Contact the bloggers you’ve picked and let them know about the award.
Last year's awards fiasco has prompted me to not do #3 and #4. My blogroll to your right is filled with Versatile Bloggers and they have all probably gotten this award in some fashion.
Let's just say, the horror/movie blogosphere has the best community on the interwebs and as long as we support and comment on each other's blogs, it's going to continue to get better.
As for the 7 things....
1.) I absolutely hate tourists. 2.) I have mild insomnia 3.) I once saw 7 movies in one day at the same theater (they were all crappy movies) 4.) I played a zombie once in a short film (I never saw the film) 5.) I'm a devout Rockstar Games fan 6.) I start my day with some NOFX every morning 7.) I'm heading to Texas next month. Dallas, Austin and Houston are all stops..so where my bloggers at for a blog meetup!
Sure we've seen them in the Ghost Whisperer but who the fuck actually watched that show? I sure as hell didn't. But you know JLove's tits were going to make mucho appearances about a mom turned hooker for the love of her family (awwwwww..yay for mom!)
Was it sappy as hell? You betcha! *wink* *wink*. Was their gratuitous cleavage and seriously hot whores? Yuppers. Was their alot of crying and waterworks. Boo Yeah hoo. But you know why we all watched this of course. Because remember folks, everything is bigger in Texas and JLove's boobs fit right in.
Jennifer Love Hewitt's BOOBS star in "The Client List"
So I was at my local mall last weekend and while on a search for a new belt (I'm not kidding) I noticed my mall seems to have advertising all over the place. It looked like a Times Square movie billboard. I counted 15 posters for Step It Up 3D (which is to be expectted), 11 posters for Despicable Me and 6 or so posters for a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Yes folks, a Lifetime movie. And this was no ordinary movie...no no. This one stars Jennifer Love Hewitt. Or more precisely, Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs.
I wasn't shocked to see a movie ad for Lifetime movie. Tons of moms watch this channel including mine. So it's easy to figure they were advertising to these mothers. But the picture of JLH got my attention looking all seductivey and once I got home I had to find out what this was all about.
A mother will do anything for her family! And it's "Inspired by a True Story"! Holy fuckin cow. I am so watching this today!
So what's the whole story? Here ya go.
Inspired by a true story, this Lifetime Original Movie is the story of Samantha Horton (Jennifer Love Hewitt), a former Texas homecoming queen and physical therapist. When both she and her husband, Rex (Teddy Sears), are laid off from their jobs, Samantha accepts an offer to work at a massage studio in a nearby town, not realizing that the other staff members are actually prostitutes who service a clientele of wealthy and powerful businessmen.
Eventually realizing what goes on behind closed doors, but desperate to provide for her family, Samantha goes along for the ride. But when the police raid the business and Samantha is arrested, she ends up as a key witness in the case — putting high-profile johns in handcuffs and bringing a small Texas town to its knees.
It also stars Cybill Shepperd and that hot black girl from that movie I forget! Oh man, it gets so much better. Even the preview pictures are awesome.
I'm doing this for my family! Not for the thrills or money!
I'm just a regular mom with regular size boobs. Don't call me a MILF!
My daughter baked these cookies. You have to eat one before you see my cookie.
I'm the luckiest sonnavabitch ever. Why am I crying like a sissy?
OK that's enough of the photos. Now it gets waaaaay better. Now check out the videos. Holy cow man, I think Love's boobs need to win an Oscar for their performance. Somebody call the mammary police because these should be locked up.
First up, the trailer!
This is the best performance by JLH boobs in a drama. If this doesn't make you see this, I don't know what will.
And finally, I want to visit this town as this is some excellent massaging going on.
Well I'm definitely watching this badly disguised Skinemax film for sure. Whose with me? Do I need to give you another visual? Jeez.
I can't believe this documentary was not on my radar at all. But perusing around Twitch, this trailer will smack you like a Weng Weng punch. From Mark Hartley, who gave us Not Quite Hollywood (his doc about the Australian exploitation boom), here he gives us a glimpse into the retro nuttiness of all things Filipino exploitation.
I should be an expert on this but I'm not. I've only seen a handful of 70s and 80s Filipino exploitation movies (some goofy war flicks and most of the Weng Weng flicks). I've also seen their cheesy B-movie horror flicks where monsters and pseudo vampires (they call them Aswangs) films. Obviously, I've seen some of the blaxploitation and kun fu-sploitation that took the jungle meets civilization approach. This excellent blog profiles all the Filipino Vietnam war movies When the Vietnam War raged... in the Philippines.
Knowing a few things about Filipino culture, their identity is a very mixed bag of colonization, war and corruption. Blending in Spanish, Chinese and American influences with their own culture, its reflected in their entertainment. Their film and TV spoofed Hollywood and took knee deep lore and legends and blew them up into rubber monster movies. War movies spawned and Bruce Lee was the hero the everyman Filipino could believe in...so why not imitate him.
The trailer alone is chock full of kung pow insanity. I am very psyched to see this. It premieres on July 24th @ the Melbourne Film Festival...in freakin Australia! Damn, I wish I lived in Australia...for like a week.
[this review brought to you by Insano Steve who'd like to have his DNA re sequenced one day]
I've always enjoyed movies where doctors try to fuck with human DNA in order to satisfy their genetic curiosity (and spite all of God's creation). Therefore, I was very excited when I initially saw the trailer for Splice. During a long layover in San Francisco recently, I was able to see this very unique film. It's a bit difficult to review this film without giving out any spoilers, so I'll just tread lightly on a few important points.
Plot: Two brilliant geneticists (played by Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) are working on a gene splicing project in order to help find cures for all of life's many diseases. So far the project has been a huge success, as they've genetically engineered a couple of amorphous sloth-like creatures who's bodies are chock-full of cure-all medicinal chemicals. These blobs are made from DNA from a variety of animals (and some plants!).
One day, however, the two geneticists (who are also lovers) come up with a great idea: Wouldn't it be scientifically awesome to add some human DNA to their amorphous blobs and see what happens? Suffice it to say, the resulting offspring is not what they expected. And, at that point is where the spoilers would start to become necessary.
Acting: There's only maybe 6 actors in this entire film and they all do pretty good. The budget sure didn't seem that big, so acting actually mattered here.
Before Splice, I'd never seen an Adrien Brody movie. He's been in many movies that have won awards. Movies that I've never seen, and never will see. Brody was born in Queens, NY. Most recently, he was seen kicking a surprising amount of ass in 'Predators'. In Splice, he plays the more thoughtful/ethical/wimpy scientist.
Sarah Polley was the star of the underrated slacker movie, "Go". She fell off the face of the earth after that. Good to see her back working. Polley totally rocks the shit in this movie. In Splice, she plays the reckless/down for whatever scientist. Kind of like a grown up version of her “Go” character.
Finally, Delphine Chanéac, a Frenchy model/actress, plays the resulting humanoid DNA experiment. Her 'acting' in this film is 1 part Frankenstein, 1 part Natasha Henstridge.
Gore: Minimal gore. A couple of human deaths. Several random farm creatures are eaten alive. Bad humanoid! Bad humanoid!
T&A: Oh yeah, we get to see some female humanoid nudity. But as a guy, I'm still confused on how I should have felt about that. Um, I'm going to say I didn't enjoy it, just in case.
WTF Moment: Oh, there's a couple of good ones. A separate future article would be necessary for this.
Conclusion: See Splice. Seriously, see Splice! This was a super fun movie to watch. At first, I had hoped this would be a semi-realistic look at the dangers of gene manipulation.
As it turns out, it was just a B-movie, but a thoroughly enjoyable one. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it yet, go see Splice!
Over at Big Daddy Horror Reviews, Brandon is making July Obscure Horror month. He's got other horror bloggers going into the time machine to remember the forgotten horror of old. I've chimed in my pick for this series by contributing my review of Luther the Geek.
In the sweltering heat, what better way to get cool by watching the action summer movies. As we get into action-palooza, I figure I'd get in the mood by watching Predators. I wasn't expecting much but 64% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes convinced me to give it a try. So let's head over to the game preserve with a WTF list.
1.) They're not even fuckin around, drop em in and lets get slaughtering 2.) Adrien Brody makes artsy fartsy movies doesn't he? 3.) Danny fuckin Trejo is a Mexican enforcer? This is like a totally new role he's never had to play before 4.) OK so we got a Ruskie, a Yakuza, an ex Con, token blood diamond slavemaster, Israeli sniper hottie, Eric from That 70s Show and Brody. Odds token black guy dies first. 2:1. 5.) Predators dogs are like Star Wars reject pets 6.) Predator vision has not improved since the 80s. 7.) Gratuitous reference to Ah-nuhld! You'd think the Predators would want revenge on Dutch and transport him to the preserve. 8.) It's not a Predators movie without a guy with a mini-gun. 9.) Jeezus. Topher Grace is one whiny bitch. 10.) OMG! Is that other alien target Species 8472?!? 11.) Hello crazy Laurence Fisburne 12.) Goodbye crazy Laurence Fisburne 13.) Original Predator vs Uber Predator. It's not as climactic as I was hoping. 14.) That twist was lame . 15.) Yakuza vs Predator! Awesome! This is the best scene in the entire movie. 16.) Dude. Is that CGI on Adrien Brody body? 17.) Well looky here, he went all Dutch. 18.) None of the characters are that memorable as in the original and there aren't as many memorable lines. 19.) Seriously...how would Brody know how to fly a Predators ship if he was able to hijack one??? 20.) If we had to tally Predators vs Human matchups, it would look something like this: Predators: 30,492 Humans: 3
All in all, Predators was a decent action movie that let me cool off for a few hours. It's hard to live up to the original and even Danny Glover's drive by Predator 2 is good to watch on TBS from time to time. Only time will tell if Predators will rounds out this trilogy for the better.
Machete vs The Expendables: Which one will punch you in the face the hardest?
The latest Machete trailer came out today and it looks badass. In the battle of alpha male minds everywhere, we are going into full action porn mode when Machete will battle it out with The Expendables in a month or so.
These 2 mega giant rock em sock em movies won't go head to head. Mind you The Expendables comes out August 13th during peak summer movie time while Machete comes out September 3rd. But they are 2 of the biggest action flicks to come out this year.
So who has the edge? Let's break it down star by star and X Factors.
1.) Stallone vs Trejo Edge: Stallone Stallone is an icon and he can't be denied his legendary status. He has single handily kept the action movie alive by reincarnating his iconic characters Rocky and Rambo. Trejo has always been "That Guy" in movies but he's as badass as they come. I'm going with Stallone.
2.) Rodriguez/Alba vs Statham/Li Edge: Rodriguez/Alba
As much as I bow down to the greatness of Jason Statham and Jet Li, you can't argue seeing Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez in scantily clad tight leather shoot heavy artillery and blowing shit up as not being totally fuckin awesome. They're hot and they're kicking ass for Machete. Statham and Li can helm their own action franchises but seeing Rodriguez and Alba is enough to put them over the top. Yummy.
3.) Seagal vs Lundgren Edge: Seagal
Sorry Dolph fans, but the pseudo Japanese Westerner gets the edge here because Seagal brings in the I'm overweight but I can use a Katana like no other mofo. Both are has been 80s stars but Seagal seems to get the slight edge as we last saw Lundgren with JCVD. Now if JCVD was in The Expendables, that would be a different story. 4.) Lindsay Lohan vs Terry Crews Edge: Crews
In a few incoherent words....PA PA PA PA POWER!!!
5.) Marin vs Austin/Couture Edge: Marin
Cheech Marin plays a priest turned killer. Plus if he says titty twister, I'm sold. It'll be interesting to see a wrestler and a MMA guy join the crew but Cheech is Cheech and he is fuckin hilarious.
6.) Don Johnson vs Eric Roberts Edge: Johnson
Sure Eric Roberts was decent in the Dark Knight but seeing Don Johnson might be awesome for shits and giggles. Both were 80s stars and both are now way off the radar and will act for food. I hope they both die in their respective films.
7.) Robert DeNiro vs Mickey Rourke Edge: Rourke
The battle of Oscar winners will bring class to both flicks but I have to with Rourke here based on the fact that somehow Mickey will totally overact in The Expendables somehow. It's too easy to have DeNiro play a corrupt Senator, shit I don't even know what Rourke's role is but my money is on demolition expert.
8.) Gratuitous Cameo Battle: McGowan/Savini vs Schwarzenegger/Willis Edge: Schwarenegger/Willis I love Rose McGowan and would automatically default to giving her the edge. It helps that we'll get to see Tom Savini as well in Machete. But c'mon now, Ah-nuld and John fuckin McClaine are cameo-ing in a Stallone flick and that is unprecedented. Without a doubt the cameo battle is won by these 2 legendary kings of action. 9.) Who will have more EXPLOSIONS? Edge: The Expendables
10.) Who will have more MACHETES? Edge: Machete
So after tallying everything up we've got:
The Expendables: 5
It's a TIE!!
I can't deny I'm salivating for both movies. I really don't know which one is going to be better. But maybe you guys do. Which movie do you think will make you punch your fist through a wall?
I'm not going with a long review of this movie as it was 2 hours long which was an hour and half longer than it should have been.
Haeundae is Korea's biggest budget movie in their film history at $11 million dollars. The disaster movie has never really been done outside Hollywood so it was nice to see some other countries take a crack at it.
So how does Tidal Wave rate?
It's not too bad. The movie for the first hour and 20 or so minutes makes you care about a certain group of characters who live in the sea resort town of Haeundae. We got a fisherman and his crush, a jokester, a scientist and his stubborn wife, a rich business man, a lifeguard and a rich party girl. Honestly, aside from the lifeguard/party girl story line, I could have cared less about the others.
What I wanted to see was mass hysteria, shit blowing up, bridges crashing into the sea and people drowning. And you do get it in the last 30-40 minutes. The special effects aren't too bad with scenes of the mega tsunami hitting the beach and the skyscrapers getting flooded by a huge tidal wave. People are being washed away, trapped in flooded elevators, stuff is getting wrecked and people are dying. It's your typical Hollywood fare, but you know...more Koreany.
Douchebags you wanna see die, don't. Heroes you empathize with, sacrifice themselves and our main characters make it out OK. It's all utterly ridiculous but then again, the tsunami in 2004 killed over a thousand people in a few hours so maybe it's not too preposterous. Who knows?
Korea takes a crack at the disaster movie and they are right up there with any 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow but on a smaller scale. It's a little too long though and they should have had more action. I was a little bored but when the waves are attackin, I was rooting the mega tsunami to do its worse (that's so wrong I know)
Next time your at the beach, you'll be more inclined to make sand castles than head out to the water after seeing this flick.
New York, New Yuck (NYC Movies from the Exploitation Era)
Oh New York, New York. The city so nice they named it twice (well you know they did that because they knew somebody was gonna steal the first name). My hometown is the greatest city in the world. But it wasn't always the Disney-fied, tourist filled haven we have today. I remember walking the fucked up Times Square and being offered drugs for sale at 2pm in the afternoon. Oh those were the days.
Mind you this is not me reminiscing about the 70s grindhouse Times Square, this was even in the late 80s and early 90s. I saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation in one of the last grindhouse theaters near the Crossroads of the World. About a dozen people packed a theater that should have been shut down. But I digress.
I love my city but the movies during the Exploitation Era made it seemed we were fuckin Detroit. And at times, they were deadly accurate. So here are 10 movies (not necessarily in fucked up order) that showed the seedier, dirtier and grimier side of NYC back in the day.
When are ya gonna come and visit?
10.) Maniac Cop
Fictional NYC is...filled with a maniac cop who kills innocent people.
Reality NYCis...filled with a maniac cops who kill innocent people. OK maybe not all the time but if your color is off white or brown you may get maimed. See ya later if you're black. The NYPD have hiccups every now and then which is why we got Rev. Al Sharpton holding a press conference and march every 10 minutes.
9.) C.H.U.D. Fictional NYC is...filled with cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers who kill and eat people. Need I really say more? Reality NYCis...inhabited by rats the size of footballs and insects that rival SyFy cheesiness. I'm serious about the rats as during the summer months they will show up on the train platform and wait for the 7 train while checking their Facebook on their iPhone 4. These are some of the smartest, mutant rats you will ever see.
8.) Q The Winged Serpent
Fictional NYC is...a giant serpent monster that lay its egg in the Chrysler tower and start terrorizing New Yorkers. It also likes grabbing sunbathers and window washers.
Reality NYCis... the NYPD is ill equip to handle a giant monster serpent who is under the control of a deranged madman. Sure they can stop a bomb threat or two in the middle of Times Square but let loose a ravenous monster and we're all fucked.
7.) Escape from New York
Fictional NYC is...a maximum security federal penal colony where gangs, criminals and the unwanted live in chaos.
Reality NYCis...we call this place the Bronx.
6.) The Warriors
Fictional NYC is...over run with gangs who pretty much own every piece of real estate in all 5 boroughs in NYC.
Reality NYCis...oh NYC still has gangs but they are all in the bad bad places we direct tourists to when they're lost. "You're looking for Rockefeller Center?" asks a tourist. "Oh thats in Bed Stuy, you should go at night" directs a disgruntled New Yorker. "...and be sure to wear red"
5.) Combat Shock
Fictional NYC is...deteriorating and completely falling apart. We ignore our returning vets who have shell shock, we can't get them jobs because of the economy and the streets have been taken over by drug dealers, pimps and prostitutes. Oh and all the babies are deformed freaks.
Reality NYCis...ditto. except for the deformed babies. Hmm then again, I'm sure there are deformed babies somewhere that we don't know about.
4.) Street Trash Fictional NYC is...the homeless and the despair will drink anything to forget their troubles. NYC is where life is cheaper than a bottle of Viper
Reality NYCis...the new place where the homeless and the despair congregate is called "Williamsburg". The new drink of choice is "Pabst Blue Ribbon aka PBR" and we call these people "hipsters". You can identify these hipsters with scruffy beards, sports jackets with t-shirts and smoking Clove cigarettes and playing kickball. They are highly toxic.
3.) Ms. 45 Fictional NYC is...filled with drug dealers, pimps and gangs that prey on mute women and rape them....repeatedly. Oh yeah, vigilantism is totally legal so get your vengeance on!
Reality NYCis...now just filled with women who all look like the Sex and the City meets Hannah Montana. The women who have been scorned or fucked up get revenge by getting into flame wars on Facebook or deleting their boyfriend's WOW account. Also, somehow the ex boyfriend's comic book collection ends up on Craigslist. Wow, that's just fucked up brutal.
2.) Driller Killer Fictional NYC is...a psychotic dude goes around killing people with a drill.
Reality NYCis...this is what most New Yorkers want to do to tourists who block pedestrian traffic.
1.) Maniac Fictional NYC is...a mad man is on the loose and killing people all around the city.
Reality NYCis...seriously, you don't want to come here. I think I wanna move now.
When's the last time you were in NYC? Do you like our tourist friendly, Nickelodeon city now? Did you visit the city when it was a haven for debauchery and filth? Are you totally fuckin scared of NYC???
If you know of any other NYC grindhouse/exploitation movies, share em by leaving a comment below.