Monday, March 30, 2009

Autopsy (Review)


Autopsy (2008)

Directed by Adam Gierasch

[Think the Slap Chop infomercial]

Part of the mega awesome After Dark Horrorfest movies of 2009! we'd like to introduce you to Autopsy! Where we take every horror cliche and repackage it, put on the shelves and hope somebody buys it.

You want sterotypical, young looking hotties?

You got it!

You want fake looking latex mannequins that ooze out too much blood and have chicken parts as intenstines?

You betcha!

You want a creepy, abandoned hospital in Louisiana?

It's yours!

But that's not all. We'll even throw in a psycho, mad crazy doctor played by the one and only T-1000 Robert Patrick!

He slices and dices and so does the entire hospital staff!

How much would you pay for this? $9.99? $19.99? $49.99? Your first born? How about your soul?

But before you act to quickly, lets go over what you get.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young woman tries to find her injured boyfriend in a bizzare and dangerous hospital

Awesome Review-O-Matic

People have often thought our product was similar to say Insanitarium and many other cliched horror films.

But that's not true!

We got much more than that.

We've assembled super duper generic stereoptypical characters! We've got:

1.) Brunette, slutty final girl
2.) Generic boyfriend dude
3.) Druggie stoner
4.) Blonde bimbo bimbette
5.) Foreign guy

And trust me, they're all fuckin dumb as bricks!

But check this out! Our baddies are more of the same, because we think recycled horror indie veterans make this feel all snuggy!

1.) Robert fuckin Patrick!
2.) That Mexican gangsta looking guy thats in all those crime movies
3.) Some big white biker motherfucker
4.) Crazy fuckin meat cleaver wielding nurse

And a hundred walking mindless patients! With inept cops!

You're probably asking about plot. Why would a mad doc want to kill all these partying, Spring Break-ing kids?

Because he's trying to rehabilitate his semi dead wife back together! How about that!

If you watch this movie for the entire 90 minutes, we'll throw in the following absolutely free.
A ton of gratuitous quick scares, bad CGI explosions, thunder and lightning and running around.

And also these awesome medical puns like:

"It's not like this is brain surgery!"
"Bleed out bitch"
"I always wanted to be a doctor"

Still not sold? Did I tell you about the gore and nudity? And the WTF moment?


Wrist slicing
Intenstine oozing
Head trauma
Wrist slicing
Stab to the neck
Body parts
Drill to the head
Canister to the face trauma
Organ and intestine works of art
Arm amputations
Hatchet to the fuckin face



WTF moment

Orderly punches blonde bimbo in the face

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well that prognosis pun wasn't intentional. But let me tell you about the secrets of our product on DVD.
It's got an alternate ending! Whoa! And a 20 minute Behind the Scenes.

Our product is so cliched, so badly written, so "this has been done to death before" don't take our word for it, see what others have said.

It's out on DVD March 31st. Orders your today.



The Trailer

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  1. I thought I might see this but now...

    Do not bother watching Dying Breed. It is weak. Looking forward to Perkins and the Lena Headey film.

  2. I thought this one was okay, but nothing really new.

  3. I guess I will stay away from this one.