Monday, October 15, 2007

Review of the Day: Captivity

You really have to think twice when you decide to watch a horror movie where the lead actress is soooo hot you'll see her in anything. Of course you'd like to see her naked, covered in blood or screaming in pain. Or doing something sexually deviant or psychotic or violent.

But if you do watch a movie because of this reason, you have a severe case of "Dark Angel Syndrome".

(Dark Angel Syndrome: Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show. )

Well I've got a severe case of DAS because I watched both Captivity and Rise: Blood Hunter (which I'll review this week) back to back. And all I know is my head is spinning from the after effects of seeing these turds.

So on to the review!

Captivity (2007)
Directed by Roland Joffe

Elisha Cuthbert is freakin hot. Her blondness. Her full figuredness. Her voloptuousness. Her breastedness. Her blue eyes-ness. Her Canadianess. Super hot.

OK now that I got that out of my system.

Regurgitated plot is about a super model and stranger are abducted by an unknown serial killer and are held captive where sadistic games are played on the both of them.

Of course its rippin off Saw but Saw didn't have a hot actress screaming in every scene and crying in pain for almost the entire movie (hmm actually all the Saw movies did...never mind).

Torture-core has been secretly embedding its way into mainstream horror but its 15 minutes are up. But that's not to say that the sub sub genre doesn't have merit. Captivity was utter garbage. Cuthbert's overacting, the lack of tortureific devices was non existent and the twist ending was sooo predictable a 3rd grader could have figured it out.

Of course I watched recut edition that seems devoid of any gore or torture. But it would have all been the same anyway.

Cuthbert is waaay hot but no way does it save the movie.

If you want to watch torture-core in its finest and purest form, you need only see a few movies on a short short (midget-ish) list.

August Underground (Original, Mordum and Penance) and Murder Set Pieces.

All of them are sadistic, sick and twisted. Worst than Saw, worst than anything known on the planet. And thoughts spew out just thinking of the sick shit that's in these torture-core masterpieces. (I'll share them on a later date)

But if you need your Elisha fix and need to see a innocent woman tortured, then Captivity is your bag.

I mean look at her: How could I not suffer DAS on this.


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