Sucker Punch Photos are Weapons of Mass Erections

Ahh that photo above is my current wallpaper. I'm a big fan of Jamie Chung (and sort of a big fan of hot girls named "Jaime" in general). But that photo is clearly the PG for this PG-13 flick. There are a few more below that will get those guns cocked. (you see what I did there? I'm going to do that a lot)

Sure on some level, I enjoyed Zach Snyder's other flicks (300 and Watchmen) and I predict that Sucker Punch will lead to one big Hollywood steampunk revival. But I digress. A flick like this is clearly hitting on Snyder's base of amped up alpha horndogs who want to see hot girls blowing shit up. This is all about CGI bullets killing CGI targets and cutting to hot American actresses in retro Sailor Moon outfits in super duper slo mo.

And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that.

How can you go wrong with a cast of attractive women including Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Jamie Chung, Vanessa Hudgens and Carla Gugino? Add in some sword play, some giant machines and blimps and you're sure to see the theaters packed with tweens and teens.

But let's check out the photos. They seem to be subliminally telling us something more than what's on the surface.

Go team go! Chicks with guns is your generic photo of awesomeness. It says we may be 5"2 and the guns weigh more than all of us combined but we can so kick your ass.

Did you see the size of that gun she fired at us? It was bigger than her.

Must. Maintain. Eye. Contact...

Sure it looks like the dressing room of a strip club but the fishnet stockings say otherwise.

[Wipes drool]....Does that say Gold Diggers in the background? Clearly it's a hidden message about.....oh whatever [drools...]

Bow-chicka-bow-wow....did you hurt your knee? I'll kiss it and make it all better Vanessa Hudgens. I know you're a sweet innocent girl who would never have nude photos of herself all over the Internet right?Ahem...RIGHT???

The audience will clearly not know WTF is going on so let's write down our goals on this here blackboard. We need a map, fire, knife and key. Can somebody post this on Facebook so we can remember?

So your like the creepy old guy that gives me the Sword of Omens...right? OMG! LOL! FTW!

Meow! Meow! I smell a cat fight coming. I think it's about who's going to go on stage next.

Clearly they just shot CGI bullets into a CGI target causing a CGI explosion leading to a sychronized landing and gratuitous slo mo pause. Clearly right?

*************************************************

Well there ya have it. Some tidbits on what you may have missed when checking out the Sucker Punch photos. You know you're going to thrust yourself into theaters this Friday to check out this steampunk homage (steampunkers around the world are weeping BTW). Never has movie made nerds and geeks turn into beta blocking alpha males like Sucker Punch.

I call it steampunk action porn....set to Led Zeppelin. And you know what?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Here be the trailer.

Categories: jaime chung, jena malone, steampunk, sucker punch, watchmen, zach snyder

Gratuitous Explosions vs Gratuitous Nudity: Are they the same?

With The Expendables coming out this week (see my Machete vs The Expendables comparison here), we are going to get a solid case of action porn with Stallone's alpha male awesomeness. This got me thinking that as a red blooded American male who grew up watching Van Damme spinkicks, Arnold slaughtering the entire Val Verde army, Bruce smokin Hans and his crew and Stallone saving most of southeast Asia, the action movie is pure male bravado porn.

Explosions, gun battles and mano y mano fistfights are what we crave. But do we get the same feeling seeing this mass slaughter as we do seeing boobs? Of course it's a little different seeing flesh than flesh ripped to shreds. But what would you rather see?

Would you rather seeing a cool single bullet gas tank explosion or a quick glimpse of a model turned actress in the buff?

When we see an explosion, it lasts about 3-5 seconds, pretty much the equivalent of seeing a pair of boobs flash onscreen. So I ask, are explosions as gratuitous as nudity?

Of course we realize seeing nudity on screen is highly gratuitous, but is seeing an exploding car really needed as well? What does it really add to a movie? A big flaming fiery red ball of smoke has been seen countless times yet we're still pounded with Michael Bay explosions time after time. Is this not the same as seeing a pair of boobs from waitresses turned actresses?

Hell if I can tell you which I prefer more. I'm as jaded as they come and both make no difference to me when I watch a film. I usually say the same thing when I see either an explosion or boobs:

"Whoa, that was cool"

So now I ask your 2 cents. Are you desensitized when you see a building explode as you are seeing some C cups?

Because when you see The Expendables on Friday, your gonna see some serious shit exploding. And no doubt it's going to be fuckin awesome. But if you replaced that RPG hitting a tank with a set of mega breasts, would there be a difference?

Categories: action cinema, gratuitous nudity, the expendables, watchmen, watchmen movie

Watchmen (Review)

Watchmen

Watchmen (2009)

Directed by Zach Snyder

I've been MIA for a while. My internet has been buggy hence the no posts.

But I did get to watch the Watchmen.

This is going be your a very un-jaded viewer-ish review as I don't really review the big blockbusters but I figure I'd add my 2 cents.

I told people to read the graphic novel since the summer. I've told users to do the same. If you can't find it online for free, buy it.

This is the best graphic novel of all time.

Don't judge the comic by the movie. As a comic book, it loves up to the hype of being the best of the bestest.

It's pure, it's groundbreaking and it's awesome.

The movie is a great adaptation of the graphic novel. The comic is a million times better. So get a copy will ya?

Many people will watch and not understand why the Watchmen is considered the greatest. The tweens and millenials expecting a nocturnal Bat related detective or an indestructable super man, these aren't the droids your looking for.

I actually saw 13 yr old tweens watching this movie!!!!

FUCKIN TWEENS AND MILLENIALS!!!

I hope you got traumatized by the gratuitous gore and the murder of a pregnant Vietnamese girl. I hope that almost rape of Silk Spectre I and Dr. Manhattan's schlong have you scratching out your eyeballs.

This movie, this comic book is NOT FOR YOU!!!

Grow up first and read some Clowes, some Morrison and some Ennis and then watch this. This is for the purists, the comic book geeks, the men and women who appreciate the art.

FUCK YOU G4 and MTV!!

You bastardize the shit out of this like it a pop culture history lesson.

In any case, the tweens and Gen Y-ers won't "get it". You probably hated this movie, got confused or didn't understand what was going on.

You probably said: "Hey they stole that plot from Heroes!" or retorted: "This sucked, Dark Knight was way cooler".

Fuck you.

You didn't read the graphic novel. And that's why it won't make sense.

The Watchmen, to me is the first. It spawned the progeny we see today. It's the beginning of the everything that has come after it.

Here is why. And I won't even explain any of these. You'll get em or you won't.

1.) Watchmen is supposedly the first to take costumed superheroes into an adult, gritty world of realism

2.) Alan Moore is a god in the world of comics

3.) Rorschach is fuckin awesome

4.) The year is 1985. The US and Russia are superpower enemies. Wikipedia it and you'll understand why it's a big fuckin deal.

5.) Courtesy of IMDB, read this:

Watchmen is based on a graphic novel which emulates and satires the history of characters from Charlton Comics company which had been acquired by DC Comics. Many of the modern superheroes people know today, like The Flash or Green Lantern, are actually the second bearers of those names and in the Charlton Comics world there were two Blue Beetles. The first were characters from the "Golden Age of comic books" of the 1930s and 40s, when superheroes first became a growing fad. The trend eventually died away, but was revived in the late 1950s by the introduction of new characters with new costumes and altered powers, bearing the names of their wartime counterparts, thus beginning the "Silver Age," which led to superheroes becoming a permanent part of Americana.

Moore is making a statement about the history of comics in Watchmen. Show some fuckin respect

6.) The tale of the Black Freighter is essential when reading the story of Watchmen as it portrays a metaphoric parallel to the main story

7.) The Ozymandias plan was the first of its kind and has thus been ripped off by other comics, films, TV shows (ahem Heroes) and books

8.) The Comedian is a bad ass mofo

9.) It won a fuckin Hugo award

10.) It's the greatest graphic novel of all time

I should talk about the movie right? I liked it. I think it did the graphic novel justice. I didn't notice what was changed at first, but having slightly reread the comic, I can now see what was changed.

Some shots of the film are out right sick. Panel by panel remake shots are awesome. All the performances were top notch (except Silk Spectre II).

It was bloody, violent, gritty, dirty and fucked up.

Yay.

On in all, I was very satisfied.

The die hards will super duper love it, the tweens will be all confused and the mass public will avoid it.

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' And I'll look down, and whisper "No"

-Rorscach

Rating:

Tags:
watchmen, watchmen graphic novel , alan moore , zach snyder, watchmen movie, greatest graphic novel ever, top movies of 2009, watchmen review

Categories: rorschach, the comedian, watchmen, watchmen graphic novel, watchmen movie, watchmen official trailer, watchmen review

Watchmen (Trailer)

"Who watches the Watchmen?"

On March 6, 2009, everybody will because the trailer below has blown me away.

Wow.

Holy fuckin cow that was fuckin amazing.

My head exploded.

Zach Snyder may have pulled off the impossible feat of putting the most unfilmable graphic novel ever and actually made a great film from the 2 minute and change trailer thats below. If this lives up to the hype, I'll be astonished.

I reminded you all to read the graphic novel first. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons gave us a new frontier in comics with the Watchmen. Every ingenious plot device, flawed characters, dystopian fucked up future and storytelling technical device you've seen in other comics, TV shows (ahem Heroes) or movies was STOLEN from the Watchmen.

Believe the hype of why the Watchmen is considered the uber best graphic novel/comic ever.

They got Rorscasch dead on. Dr. Manhattan is amazing. Silk Spectre is hot. The Comedian looks ready to kick ass. Ozymandias and Nite Owl are in glorificus mesmerizing effect.

This is going to kick ass.

Watch the trailer before Warner Bros pulls it down.



Tags:
watchmen, watchmen graphic novel , alan moore , zach snyder, watchmen movie, greatest graphic novel ever, top movies of 2009, jadedviewer, watchmen trailer, zach snyder , the watchmen official trailer, the watchmen, Rorscasch, Dr. Manhattan, silk spectre, Ozymandias, Nite Owl

Categories: alan moore, watchmen, watchmen movie, watchmen official trailer, zach snyder

Watchmen (Read the Graphic Novel!)

On March 6, 2009, Zach Snyder brings us the movie version of Watchmen. As much as I'm excited to watch the greatest graphic novel ever be turned into a movie, do yourself a favor and read the graphic novel.

Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons masterpiece is brilliant and thought provoking.

Snyder's vision seems to keep the elements of what makes Watchmen great but seriously, read the comic.

Alan Moore may be nuts, but the comic is genius and mesmerizing.

It's the forerunner for everything that has come since. Read the Watchmen.



Tags:
watchmen, watchmen graphic novel , alan moore , zach snyder, watchmen movie, greatest graphic novel ever, top movies of 2009, jadedviewer

Categories: alan moore, david gibbons, watchmen, watchmen movie, zach snyder