I was asked to participate in
HorrorBlips "Horror for the Holidays" blog event and I was more than willing to come up with some holiday themed post for today. I had to really think about what I was going to write about. I mean it isn't easy to come up with something that you'd hope people would enjoy reading but had a holiday angle. I came up with a lot of stuff and I inevitably came up with Top 10 Holiday Characters That Could Be Turned Into Unstoppable Killing Machines. But just for shits and giggles here were some of my rejected ideas:
- Jack Frost (that killer snowman movie with Shannon Elizabeth) frame by frame review
- Black Christmas (Original vs Remake)
- A week's worth of reviews of the Silent Night, Deadly Night series
- Bill Goldberg's Santa's Slay Review
- Gremlins Retrospective
That Gremlins retrospective would have been cute. Oh that Gizmo! Instead, I've decided to just write about how we can turn nice, wholesome, family Christmas themed characters and mythology into unstoppable killing machines.
This is the stuff I think about when the TV and Internet are broken and I'm eating a Twinkie. So check out the list below!
Top 10 Holiday Characters That Could Be Turned Into Unstoppable Killing Machines
10.) Snowflakesthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn snowflakes into unstoppable killing machines? By going and turning them into diamond sharp, ninja stars of death! Nature has taken every opportunity to rid the Earth of this human pestilence. Now, they've turned snowflakes into razor sharp daggers falling from the sky!
9.) Jigsaw traps in giftsthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn Christmas gifts into unstoppable killing machines? By inserting Jigsaw like traps with timing mechanisms in them. Wouldn't you like to see a scene where a tweeny kid opens his present expecting to see a Wii but instead has to dismantle a device in less than 30 seconds or he gets mutilated? OK, well then that's just my bag I guess.
8.) Gingerbread Menthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn Gingerbread Men into unstoppable killing machines? By arming them with machine guns of course. Here's the quick synopsis. Witches have made gingerbread men come to life using magical dough. And instead of frosting with a smile, they've got machine guns and are marching down every suburban neighborhood seeking their revenge for their brothers and sisters who've been devoured by happy families. Logic problem: They may have trouble walking. Of course we could also watch
The Gingerdead Man.
7.) Mrs. Clausthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn Mrs. Claus into a unstoppable killing machine? We turn her into a sexy vixen of course. Imagine an Anna Nicole Smith type marrying Santa for his power and money. This is our new version of Mrs. Claus. She seduces men with candy canes and mistletoe and takes their souls! Megan Fox would be perfect in this role!
6.) Robotic Santa Clausthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn Santa Claus into a unstoppable killing machine? We make him into a cyborg of course! Think Terminator meets Silent Night, Deadly Night. He'd be armed with a futuristic sleigh of course and robotic reindeer. His bag would have an arsenal of weapons. Yes Virgina, there is a Santa Claus...and he's self aware.
5.) Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Futurethe jaded viewer says: How do we turn ghosts of Christmas past, present and future into a unstoppable killing machines? Well we make them not ghosts, but pure, evil demons of course. Oh yes, they do give you glimpses of your life as it could have been, and once they do each of the ghosts takes you into your worst nightmare. By the time Future gets through with you, you'll wish you were nice to Timmy and gave him a bike...but that will be too late when your being decapitated.
4.) Rabid Elvesthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn elves into unstoppable killing machines? We make them rabid elves of course. Elves with a thirst for human blood. These elves despise making cookies and have secretly made faulty toys and poisoned the water supply. When the human population is confused and sick, they attack like locusts. Oh btw, they have magic powers too. Seems like they made an
Elves movie back in the 80s. How about that?
3.) Christmas Trees (see Treevenge)
the jaded viewer says: How do we turn Christmas trees into a unstoppable killing machines? By making them into devouring, monsters from hell. After decades of being decorated with worthless ornaments and wearing a ridiculous star as makeshift hats, they've had enough. They are hellbent on killing millions of happy go lucky families on Christmas morning. And it's 100% glorious this has been made into a live action short. See all
the carnage here.
2.) Killer Reindeerthe jaded viewer says: How do we turn reindeer into a unstoppable killing machines? By making Rudolph the deadliest reindeer of all! Rudolph is still sore that he never played any of those reindeer games so he's hell bent on revenge. After making all the others bow before him (via his nose which is laser enabled); Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen, they are going to wreak havoc by killing Santa (they drop him into the ocean mid flight) and start bombing cities. Santa's Reindeer from Hell are not going to stop until every major city has been leveled. See? Santa should have paid them better.
1.) Zombie Santathe jaded viewer says: How do we turn lovable Santa into a unstoppable killing machine? Zombiefication of course. There is no effin way you can stop a Zombie Santa. Oh you can try to put a bullet in his head, but Santa still has some limited brain function and can do that magic chimney thing. Leaving cookies and milk won't do any good when he is craving the taste of human flesh. The damage he will do on Christmas Eve will be catastrophic. He will infect millions of kids in hours, kids will infect parents, parents will infect more kids.
Yes fellow horror minions, Zombie Santa will lead to the eventual end of the world.
Ho Ho Ho!
Merry Christmas everyone! Here's hoping you got all the presents you wanted and some you can hopefully re-gift. Well I do have a gift for you all as well. My gift to you is some of my holiday themed posts I've written this year packaged for you in this nice bow tied post.
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