Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Gnaw (Review)


Gnaw (2008)

Directed by Gregory Mandry

You've all seen the posters for Joss Whedon's upcoming Cabin in the Woods right? The taglines take a shot at all the slasher convention "rules" of well cabin in the woods horror films.

These rules were obviously made famous in the Friday the 13th flicks but they've infiltrated many other flicks as well. Cabin Fever, Hills Have Eyes, etc.

Well before you see Whedon's flick, you should watch a movie like Gnaw to know what they are probably going to parody. In the posters for Cabin in the Woods the taglines are....

If an old man warns you not to go there..

Make fun of him.

If you hear a strange sound outside...

Have sex.

If something is chasing you...

Split up.

All the characters in Gnaw follow these rules to a tee. Just a generic horror movie for the generic horror generation. I really thought the UK would be a little better than this. I mean cannibal families in the UK country? Sorry, I just don't buy it. You're too damn civilized for that premise. What else, what else?

Oh yeah, did I mention that the killer family grinds up their victims and makes them into pies?

It's not as cool as it sounds.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In this dark, tongue in cheek, British Horror,
six friends take a holiday in the heart of the English countryside which turns into a culinary nightmare when they discover that their hosts are a sadistic family of cannibals, set on turning their guests into their next meal!

It's nice to have your friends for dinner.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's the speed review. I'm here to answer all your pertinent questions about Gnaw.

1.) How many dumb kids go into the woods?

2.) How many have sex?

3.) Do they eat the human meat pies?

4.) Is it gross?
Not really. They discover a hair in one, a gold tooth in another and a ring in some soup.

5.) Is the caretaker landlady in on it?
You betcha.

6.) Is the final girl preggers?
Yup which makes sure she'll survive all the way to the end.

7.) I heard the slasher dude is known as the Slaughterman, so is he bad ass?
Think a younger Vinnie Jones meets David Beckham with a pitchfork.

8.) Is his mask a raccoon tail with eyeholes?
Yup. Wow strike fear into your victims with roadkill on your face.

9.) Any awesome scenes of kill carnage (aka Gore-ipedia)?
Err.Umm. Ehhh. Girl gets stabbed in the stomach. Some tongue trauma and some grind chipper foot. Nothing to write Fangoria about.

10.) Boobies (Nude-ipedia)?
Yeah, real and not spectacular.

11.) For a movie about cannibals, do they even eat their victims?
Nope. WTF?!?

12.) Is there a scene where one of them says "We can lose him in the woods."
Here be your WTF moment.
OMG, yeah. When has a victim fodder ever thought they could outrun a killer in the woods? I mean honestly.

13.) The ending sucks right?
Fuck yeah it does.

And there you have it. I was expecting a little more effort from a indie UK horror production. I'm gonna have to call out the UK and say leave it up to the revolutionists across the pond when it comes to cannibal, redneck horror. We kinda do it better and it's a little more believable.

Gnaw's tagline is "It's nice to have your friends for dinner". It should be "Been there done that, don't watch this movie"

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Umm. That's it. The end. Go home now. Review is over. Good night.


Check out the trailer.

jaded viewer related linkage:
The Cottage (Review)
Dismal Eat or Be Eaten (Review)

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  1. A girl gets stabbed in the stomach?@@?WQ! Im all in!!2

    Sounds like a real winner, will look to avoid it like the plague =D

  2. I obviously disagree with you but quite enjoyed your review.