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Donkey Punch (Review)

Donkey Punch

Donkey Punch (2008)

Directed by Oliver Blackburn


Does this look familiar?

Group of young hot coeds go on vacation + fucked up shit happens (somebody dies) + normal dudes turn into evil psychopaths = Donkey Punch.

See? The UK can make generic horror just like the good ole US of A.

With a title liked Donkey Punch, you'd hope the Brits would go extreme-o with this type of sexual horror gone awry. However, they obviously don't and go the same generic route of formulaic horror and become an outright B-grade copycat of Dead Calm and all the other horror hijinks (maybe hikink?) on the high seas.

If this was made in America, it would be called The Yacht or Dead Water. It wouldn't have any sex in it, most certaintly be PG-13 and star one token black guy. Yes folks. It would be The Hills meets Dead Calm. I'm thinking Tara Reid as the blonde....maybe Freddy Prinze Jr. as the evil captain.

Oh oh. I can hear the Hollywood remake machine. Fuck.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After meeting at a nightclub in a Mediterranean resort, seven young adults decide to continue partying aboard a luxury yacht in the middle of the ocean. But when one of them dies in a freak accident, the others argue about what to do, which leads to a ruthless fight for survival.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

[Cue Gilligan's Island theme song]

Just sit right back & you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip
That started from this Spanish tropic port aboard this tiny yacht ship.
The mate was a mighty sailing man, The skipper evil for sure.
Six passengers set sail that day for an orgy, drug fueled tour,
an orgy, drug fueled tour

The sex started getting rough, the large blonde chick was donkey punched,
If not for the evil of the fearless crew
The audience would be bored,
The audience would be bored.

The final girls started running around while everybody went nuts
With Tammi,
Lisa too,
Sean and Josh,
The DJ

The Lawyer and Kim,

Here on Donkey Punch Isle

OK that didn't turn out too good. But overall that sums up the movie in a nutshell. Lets make fun of the characters ok?

1.) Final Girl Mary Ann (not her name but lets go with the Gilligan theme ok?)
2.) Movie Star big boobies, blonde chick
3.) Brunette with short hair that looks like that Survivor chick who was in that movie with Rob Schneider
4.) Some Gilligan looking guy in a light blue shirt that does the donkey punch
5.) DJ guy who does his best Ali G impersonation
6.) Skipper/captain guy
7.) Another dude in a white shirt

Let me start off by saying I needed subtitles. Sometimes you can't understand even Brits speaking english with the level of slang and heavy accents vocalizing all over the place mate.

The movie is at 1 hour and 40 minutes. Seriously? I think the extra 10 minutes was because of the sex scene. Which honestly is why any horror hound would be intrigued to see this flick.

So as our 3 really dumb Brit chicks accept an offer from some rich, young Brit dudes to go aboard their yacht and do drugs, you can see this is going to Natalie Holloway into really bad fuckedupness. Soon we see the hot blonde chick get double teamed and she gets donkey punched to death while another couple are skinemaxing on the couch. Still thinking of the sex scene? Yeah Metacafe!

Watch some of the gratuitous sex scene below:



Donkey Punch - Funny home videos are a click away


You good? Soon we go into coverup mode as everybody doesn't want to go to jail. Lots of talking, threatening speeches, yada yada yada and we get to some stabs o plenty from the generic horror vending machine.

So our Gore-ipedia includes a stab to the shoulder, flare kaboom! and a rotor to the neck. Yawn. I've seen more gore from an episode of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors.

Soon our goody two shoes final girl and her BFF are trying to figure out ways to escape the yacht from hell. Horror-rity ensues until we get to the uber anti climactic ending. The movie is more thriller on the high seas than a gorehound's delight. It just didn't seem to go clickity click on any of my "wow" radar. At least we got to see some boobies.

Nude-ipedia

Umm see the scene above dummy

WTF moment

Rotor to the neck by Survivor chick didn't make any fuckin sense

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Dude the donkey punch scene does not live up to the hype. I'm sure you can find it online. Surrounding this high level of gratuitous nudity and sex is another B grade Caucasian horror film that could very well be on Skinemax real soon.

Best if you catch it then. 2 spinkicks for being at least watchable for what it was trying to do. At least it wasn't about teen vampires.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.








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Wow. I remember reading a review of this in some magazine and wondering... guess I don't need to waste my time. It sounds terrible.

Thanks for the head's up!

JM

Fuck, it sounds awful!

"Let me start off by saying I needed subtitles. Sometimes you can't understand even Brits speaking english with the level of slang and heavy accents vocalizing all over the place mate."

Yeah well, I don't understand Canadians or Americans, eh.

If you know what a donkey punch is, then you should know that this was heading down hill.

Mucho generic horror here. Just what Hollywood loves to remake!

I want to try to do a donkey punch!

Don't we all dude.

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