Showing posts with label crank 2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crank 2. Show all posts

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Best Movies of 2009 You May Have Missed (and others you saw multiple times)

Don't worry, my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 is coming next month (early January). But I wanted to make a list of some of the best non-horror movies I saw this year. I've broken out into the "Box Office Elephants" (your standard summer blockbusters) and the "You heard of these and you still didn't go see it" (straight to DVD, independents, DVDs picked up by US distributors, etc.)

Some of these movies were awesome, some were awesome if you went in with low expectations (ahem G.I. Joe, Terminator) and some were sleeper hits that totally shocked me with how mega-rific they were.

Let's look back on 2009 and see how Hollywood's summer elephants took on the mice of the independent scene.

"Box Office Elephants"

The LOLs

1.) The Hangover

the jaded viewer says: The best comedy of 2009. Nuff said.

2.) Bruno

the jaded viewer says: Not has good as Borat but the shock moments live up to the hype. Bruno brought about Middle East peace...in latex.

3.) Capitalism: A Love Story


the jaded viewer says: Love em or hate em, Michael Moore can turn our economic depression into ironic ha ha's.

The OMGs

1.) District 9

the jaded viewer says: Easily one of the best movies of 2009. The satire is pretty obvious but Blomkamp blends in alien buggers seemlessly into our world and they have personality!

2.) Star Trek

the jaded viewer says: Even if you aren't a Trekkie, you now know who James Tiberius Kirk is. But Spock easily steals the show by being more emotional than a WWE wrestler.

3.) Inglorious Basterds

the jaded viewer says: This jumped to #3 on my Best Quentin Tarantino movies (ahead of Reservoir Dogs!). Fear The Bear!

4.) Watchmen

the jaded viewer says: You really needed to read the graphic novel to get the subtleties of what Watchmen was all about. But Zach Snyder really did make a great movie out of the holy grail of graphic novels Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons Watchmen.

5.) Terminator: Salvation

the jaded viewer says: A lot of people really thought this was awful. Well, I didn't think so. I thought it captured the essence of the Future War that was always talked about. John Connor's scar origin, Arnold's cameo and Kyle Reese and Marcus are brought to life. McG did a solid job here.

"You heard of these and you still didn't go see it"

The LOLs with punches in the face

1.) Black Dynamite

the jaded viewer says: I gave this movie 4 spinkicks! What more needs to be said? Blaxploitation ha ha's at its freakin finest. Here's an actual line spoken by Black Dynamite:

"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only matched by your zest of kung-fu treachery"


2.) Big Man Japan

the jaded viewer says: It's hard to describe this "superhero" movie from Japan but take a bit of Ultraman and mix in Godzilla and you have Big Man Japan. You gotta take my word on this. You will laugh yourself into a coma when you see this.

3.) Crank 2: High Voltage

the jaded viewer says: Not an indie by any stretch, you may have missed Jason Statham's return as Chev Chelios (and his faulty artificial heart). Chev, Amy Smart and a horesetrack. If you've seen it, you know what I mean.

4.) Ong Bak 2

the jaded viewer says: Tony Jaa makes it look so easy. Not as good as the original, the stunts and action sequences here are still vintage Jaa and you won't get bored when knees, elbows and spinkicks are clobbering henchmen.

Spectacular DIY Independents

1.) Ink

the jaded viewer says: The best independent movie to come out this year. It's visually eye candy, a lovely story and filled with characters and dreams you wish you could dream about.

2.) No Right Turn

the jaded viewer says: Grime and crime noir at its best. David Noele Burke's films echoes Tarantino but turns in a crime fairy tale. Good times.

3.) The Local

the jaded viewer says: It's like a Bukowski poem come to life. Crime drama with some kick, Dan Eberle's NYC indie is filled with lowlife characters and an anti-hero with a heart.

You've all seen the elephants, I think you should try to feed the mice. Many of these films are available on Netflix, Amazon and other big box stores. If you need to go to the official site to purchase, seriously buy yourself a present this Christmas and get em. You won't be disappointed.

Did I miss one's on your list? Got any recommendations for me? Go and leave a comment and let me know. Like I said, my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 is coming soon (once I see the flicks I missed this year).

Bring on 2010!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fuck you Chev Chelios! (My thoughts on Crank 2)

X marks the spots

Look at Amy Smart's titties. You looking? Yeah you are you fuckin alpha male you.

I saw Crank 2 last week and it blew me away. Shit was better than Crank. I'm not going to review it as it's nutzoid to even review. I mean if you haven't seen it, stop whatever your doing and see this shit.

It's filled with comic book ultraviolence, loads of titties and boobies, crazy shootouts, stereotypical gang members from every race and Jason fuckin Statham.

What more do you need?

Fuck more boobies? Really? Those up there weren't enough? You wanna see a hot babe with guns? You got it motherfucker.

Hot Asian babe with guns

Damn you all are hard to please. This is a guy's guy movie. So much testosterone you can make Grade A steroids from. I can only describe the awesomeness of Crank 2 in disjointed grunt phrases which if you've seen the movie you'll get.

Here are the 20 things I love about this movie.

1.) Fuck you Chev Chelios!
2.) The doc's black momma
3.) Amy mounts the horses
4.) Bai Ling's broken english
5.) Severed hombre cabeza
6.) Young Chev
7.) Carradine in racist Chinese makeup
8.) Gratuitous porn star cameos (Jenna Haze, Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steele)
9.) Lloyd Kauffman cameo
10.) Every scene where Chev needs a jump
11.) Chev fucks up a social club
12.) Chev fucks up a strip club
13.) Chev statics up the granny
14.) What the fuck was in the cooler?
15.) Gratuitous big head fight scene
16.) The video game intro
17.) The diagram showing us how Chev's artificial heart works
18.) The dog collar
19.) The mental case from the first flick
20.) The gun up the dude's anus

There are so many other scenes in this flick that I'm forgetting but shit, for 85 minutes I was fuckin riled and revved.

Be sure to stay thru the credits as their are final final scenes of our man Chev. And their are hilarious outtakes at the end.


FUCK YOU CHEV CHELIOS!!!

Go see this movie, please.

The fuckin hilarious trailer is below. It's Red band mofo!