Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hell Ride (Review)

Hell Ride

Hell Ride (2008)

Directed by Larry Bishop

The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.

Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.

But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.

And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.

Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.

And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.

It's all style and no substance.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.

For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.

Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.

The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.

Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.

Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.


Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Throat slicing
Gunshot wounds
Arrow trauma
Fire killing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nudy magazine nudity
Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal)
Biker girl nudity (some full frontal)
Stripper nudity (some full frontal)
Cherokee Indian girl nudity
Asian girl nudity (full frontal)
Girl on Girl action
Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action
Punk rock girl nudity

WTF moment

Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.

But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.

You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.



Watch the trailer below.

, , , , , , ,

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear that this one is a disappointment - it looked like it was going to be pretty good.

    It just dropped from a Long Wait to a Short Wait in my Netflix Queue - perhaps word is getting out that it is not so good...