Blackout Haunted House Testimonials Part 3: Off Season NYC Winter Haunt (2013)

For Part 3, I have treat for you. Survivor "Wrapped in Plastic" discusses HER thoughts about the infamous off season Winter experience. Men and Women alike attended this haunt and it left a crater sized mind fuck in our heads.

Seriously, the shit we did for this goddamn free t-shirt was insane.

Before I post my own review of Blackout Haunted House's NYC Off Season Winter Haunt, I believe it's necessary you get different perspectives of the others who attended well. Collected below and in the upcoming days are reviews and testimonials of some of the brave "Survivors" who dared to go where only a few decided to tread. You'll hear from men and women who decided to attain glorious bragging rights to the horror interactive theater production that is Blackout. Some are hardcore veterans while others are semi new. But all are bizarrely addicted to the adrenaline rush of being the protagonist of their own horror movie.

Check back at midnight over the next few weeks as you hear from the brave souls who survived.

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For the first time in four events, I left Blackout laughing. Granted, it was a wild-eyed, shell-shocked, half-hysterical kind of laughter, but the experience left me giddy. Over the span of 45 (sometimes too-long, sometimes too-short) minutes, I had faced up to my greatest fears, performed in acts that left me tearful and delighted, and left trembling and transcendent from the heady rush of adrenaline that Blackout produces so well.

More so than in the past, a clearly defined narrative dictates the overall structure of this show. This is the first time I've felt Blackout move definitively past the realm of walk-through haunted house and into being an act of immersive psychological theater. There's no doubt that this is a play, but a play unlike any you've ever seen before, made that much more effective by your involvement as the ostensible protagonist of the story. The caliber of performances and aesthetics of the set design are on par with any traditional staged play I've seen and certain themes echo throughout that remind you that this is still theatre, only evolved. 

The rooms are almost elegant in their simplicity. Even those that you immediately recognize as places of horror are carefully arranged so as to frame you and the actors in such a way that you can't forget that You Are Here and that you are a part of this and that really, you only have yourself to blame for it. The actors move as wolves around you, the sacrificial lamb cut off from your flock, always with a reservation of energy and an underlying threat of violence liable to explode at any moment. And it will. And it does.

These images, yellowed flashbulb snaps of me and them and us together and even rooms of no one at all, are still as vivid to me as though they'd just occurred - mental Polaroids that cut through the rush of adrenaline that is at times deafening. In the past the constant movement through the scenes tended to make everything that happens to you a blur in recollection, but the stayed hand you see exercising careful control over each moment creates an experience that will lingers vivid long after the emotion settles out.

Subtlety is a key word. By comparison, Blackout's Halloween events are a 30-minute long roller-coaster ride in which you're jerked from one startling encounter to the next. This time, however, the limited number of scenes and increased length of performance this time gives ample room to settle into the moment.
 
Considering I'd spent the previous several days in an increasingly panicked build-up to the event, being left with my own thoughts is a devious way to let my imagination get the best of me. The mind fills in the blanks that are left, and when you're already familiar with the experiences that Blackout can deliver, those blanks aren't going to be filled with warm fuzzies. At one point I became so wrapped up in my own paranoid delusions that I started to physically tremble, shaking uncontrollably under the weight of my own anticipation. The scene in question involved no one but myself.

But don't let any of this reserve lull you into a sense of security - it's only the deafening, dreadful quiet that comes between cracks of thunder. This is the most confrontational Blackout that I've experienced. Certainly Spring 2012 was challenging (who's comfortable getting naked in front of strangers? me, apparently) but the psychological games that this performance plays go far deeper. As a pervasive theme that amplified in Halloween 2012, Blackout continues to toe a very fine line between sexuality and violence. They push their own boundaries to create scenarios that all at once repulse and arouse, horrify and titillate. The scenes are visceral blows, senses assaulted by a barrage of smells, sights, touches, and sounds that shake you out of your day-to-day mind and pull you deep into the experience. Your body responds without your mind being able to catch up as each sense is overwhelmed in turn.

And if you think you're unafraid of anything, give it time. Blackout will find what disturbs you, and there's nothing quite like when they find what sets off those reptile-brain reactions and you forget all rationality. You will know that they know when they've found it, and that's almost as scary as actually experiencing it. It's through this give-and-take that personally, I've realized that maybe my greatest fear (when forced to either face it or quit outright) maybe isn't my greatest fear anymore, and though I couldn't call that experience pleasant, it's a bit of a revelation to realize how much Blackout has shaped my reactions to things that frighten me. Old fears seem less scary when you've survived them, but new ones emerge to take their place when you experience them for the first time.

When I fled from the location, I ran into another Survivor who came to meet me. She asked me what thought and the first thing I shouted, laughing, was "It was beautiful." Blackout has outdone themselves. Their voice has been evolving since this all began, and this time, I feel like they've nailed it. The lingering tones of faith and fanaticism, sex and violence, beauty and filth have never been as clear as they were this time around, from the looking-glass opening until the final shocking end. They've raised the bar not only for their eager audience but for themselves as well. I'm proud beyond description to witness this evolution and to be a part of Blackout. And after being so changed by these experiences, I'm even more proud that Blackout has become a part of me.

-Wrapped in Plastic

Were you one of the lucky Survivors? Want to share your thoughts to the world. Facebook or tweet me your review (no spoilers please).

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Blackout Haunted House NYC 2013 Off Season Haunt Testimonials

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)
• Special K's Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2012)
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)
• Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011) 
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)  
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House: Spring Edition (2012)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House (Spring Edition) Walkthrough Review (2011)

Leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter

Categories: blackout, blackout haunted house, haunted house, l, new york city, nyc halloween haunted house, play, theater, torture porn, vortex theater

The Loved Ones (Review)

The Loved Ones

The Loved Ones (2012)

Directed by Sean Byrne

A standard horror movie runs about 90 minutes. When it runs 80 minutes you start to think "Well, it seems there were some budget concerns". But you can do a lot in 80 minutes and The Loved Ones does just that.

Released in 2009 in Australia, one can only wonder why this movie didn't get at least a theatrical release. Is it because Hollywood plans a remake? God knows they wouldn't have the balls to make it. Sean Byrne's debut film is filled with WTF moment after WTF moment, it's relentless and will make gorehounds ejaculate with glee (that's glee you perv). What it also does is pack some black humor into the mix, as the torture porn is packed with LOL bizarre moments. A "B" story also gives us some high school comedy like moments that eases our tension throughout the film.

The Loved Ones is the perfect combination of sour and sweet. One moment your seeing all  hell break bloody loose and the next you're watching the nostalgia of prom night. It's the two perspectives on a special night, one that is awkwardly normal and the other straight out of a bizarro horror world. Our protagonist Brent gets the latter and it's been a while since I openly rooted for our final guy to get his revenge served cold.

This is the movie horror fans will call a cult classic and the ones horror fans will recommend to their causal movie fan friends. Prom has always had hijinky and quirky moments. That pesky virginity has to be lost. But you also grow up on that special night. In horror terms, you survive and that's all that counts.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Brent turns down his classmate Lola's invitation to the prom, she concocts a wildly violent plan for revenge. 

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Poor Brent. He gets a case of those sad as his father dies in a car crash as Brent who was driving avoids a figure on the road. Months later, he has an overly concerned mom and a pretty hot girlfriend Holly. He also has a horndog best friend, likes Metallica and smokes weed.

Lola has not none of that. Just a crazy fucked up dad and some finger licking good chicken.

And so begins one of the best movies of 2012. Soon Lola's obsession for Brent has her having her own personal prom with Brent, her insane dad and zombiefied mom and something in the basement. It's not going to be good times for Brent as he's going to have to endure a Hostel torture endurance challenge that would make even Eli Roth squeal. In a parallel story, Brent's BFF Jaime goes to prom with Mia (a goth chick chopped full of attitude). It's this story that gives us breathers in between Brent's unfortunate events. As his girlfriend and the sheriff search for our missing final guy, it all leads to a punch in the stomach ending.

What The Loved Ones does so effectively is not take it self so seriously. It's a horror movie no doubt but the mood is a mix of 80s John Hughes high school melo-comedy if it were on bath salts. The movie is very tight. There are no scenes that seem unnecessary. Nobody goes and talks in wild tangent monologues. We get serious bang for our buck and the ride is so demented, so fucked up and so hilariously awesome you want to say why can't all horror movies be this good.

Describing The Loved Ones, you'd easily say it's about a demented wannabe prom queen who tortures her obsession. But in a way, it's got suspense thriller written all over it. In a way, it's  kidnapping plot through and through where everybody is trying to figure out where the hell did Brent go? You want him to escape (and he does have his chances) and you want him to defend himself and somehow not get as badly damaged (but he totally gets badly fuckin damaged).

The performances are pretty dead on. Xavier Samuel plays a quiet, reserved but resilient Brent. At times he goes silent, showing the pain through serious squeamish inducing interrogation scenes. The father played by John Brumpton goes outback killer daddy. Skilled with experience on making people scream. But it's Robin McLeavy as Lola aka Princess who's decked out in a pink prom dress that steals the show. She plays the sadistic serial killer perfectly, blending in kid like happys with some black humor. Clearly insane, McLeavy does a fantastic job in bringing up fucked up bitch to a whole new level.

The Loved Ones does go into arduous scenes of Hostel territory. The slice and dice torture of Brent is masterfully executed. Armed with knives and a power drill, Lola executes her fucked up torture on a soundtrack of not being pretty enough. It's the little things that give you a glimpse of how Lola's world is like Leatherface family on steroids. Her mom has been zombified, she keeps a scrapbook of her best boy toys now dead and loves milk and chicken. It's well crafted to make you hate her so that by the end, you may want to clap at her demise.

Within here are skilled WTF moments, the craziest being what the fuck is in the basement. Also, just skilled playful scenes of a boy stuck in a tree. It's the balance of black LOL humor and horrific massacre of bodily harm that works. Because when we're not seeing Brent fucked up, we follow his BFF Jaime and his prom date Mia. It's this 80s comedy throwback of stoner boy with goth-tard chick doing teenager hi jinks that balances both story lines as we watch, then connects them at the end.

So you may ask who are the loved ones? Well it seems love comes in all form from what Byrne point of view. A father to a daughter, a mom/dad to a son, a girl to a boy, a crazy sicko girl to a boy. A boy to his dog. Clearly we must decide which relationship strikes a chord the most to us and realize love can be good or it can become the evilest thing you've ever seen. 

Whatever you may think, The Loved Ones cements what I love about horror movies. Sometimes watching over an hour of hardcore horror is way too much. Intersperse it with scenes of juvenile American Pie jokes and it lessens the eye strain. The way the Loved Ones completes its plot and story arc make it feel like you watched a damn good stand alone episode of Carrie but Australian.

We'll get our prom gone all fucked up this year when Carrie goes all telekinetic, but if you want your fix now, I highly recommend you watch The Loved Ones as soon as you can. It's as good as getting a hole in your head.

Nude-ipedia

Some steamy car sex boobs

Gore-ipedia

Lots of moments Kathryn Bigelow would be proud of

WTF moment

Finding out what was in the basement

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Loved Ones is out on DVD. Check out the official site. I really do recommend this film. It's a perfect horror film that should not have been relegated to straight to DVD status when it hit American shores last year.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.

Categories: 2012 horror movies, australian horror, Best Horror Movies of 2012, crime thriller, gore, indie film, indie horror, prom queen, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, top horror movies of 2012, torture porn

Eli Roth's Goretorium (Review)

My travels took me to Las Vegas recently and aside from a big fight I attended and being a degenerate gambler I was able to check out the most talked about haunted house besides the one named Blackout. Eli Roth's Goretorium opened up on the Las Vegas strip in October and the premiere was as what you would expect. A who's who of stardom ranging from Roth's horror buddies to Justin Bieber. But what makes Goretorium different than a funhouse only in October is that it's year round attraction hoping to get the tourist dollar and Vegas horror fans to get their scare on.

Oddly located on the 2nd floor of mini mall, you can't help not notice the Goretorium as you walk from casino to casino on the strip. A bar is on the ready near the entrance and a horror soaked Christmas tree is ready for you to take some possible dead Santa pics. The gift shop is accessible to the masses and it's a mess of wicked Hostel themed props and propaganda. Limbs, legs, oddities and branded shot glasses are souveniers you can walk away with but the haunted house was on my radar from the start.

Clearly I should have had some liquid coverage before I went in as it would have added more to the horror high of attending a haunted house in December. As expected, there was not much of a line or crowd outside the entrance and I figured there wouldn't as people were more in a Xmas mood then a horror mood. But having met my PR contact Alex and a GM Matt, we talked briefly about what was to come. It seems I'd have to go through the HH with only Alex by my side. I should have arranged for some company but part of me wanted to have the Goretorium all to myself.

As we walked on through the entrance, it seems I had company after all in the form of a man obsessed with his phone. A bellhop explains the horrific history of a hotel and a rickety elevator starts our journey in. A fun gimmick of the evils of texting while attending a haunted house caught me off guard and I'll say it's a twist that could only come out of the mind of Eli Roth.

Roth had created a Hostel mini haunted maze for Universal Studios Haunted Horror Nights last year but Goretorium is clearly the uber amalgamation of Hostels 1 and 2 and a few more torture devices that were left on the cutting room floor. The rooms are full of the most elaborately constructed horror sets I've ever seen, equivalent to a "hot" horror set. I walked slowly from room to room hoping to take it all in and the fact nobody was in front or back of me made it 10 times better. Simple illusions were taken up a notch such as a decapitated woman's head being lifted and a torture device involving a wooden grinder machine activated by me seemingly showing a man get grounded into pieces. Lots of old school effects  had me doing double takes and I'll admit, I was dumbfounded trying to figure out how these were all pulled off.

The actors who I had thought would not give any energy in their performances were actually quite at the top of their game. They interacted with me to the fullest extent, answering my questions directly, and redirecting my sarcastic remarks with some of their own. This was amplified when I met a sarcastic bartender who kept spewing out dirty drink names with various combinations. As I pushed him to keep going, he was a Wikipedia of answers giving me Long Island Tea Baggers and such. It's the type of humor that breaks the monotony of jump scares.

The rooms were quite Hollywood-tastic. Animatronics are at a minimal and the CGI is useful where it should be. Chainsaws, body parts and all hub of torture devices are on display to get you to piss in your pants. Various women and men are in all sorts of levels of being eaten, killed and exterminated. This all climaxes at Vegas style wedding set in a chapel and reception. Walking through the aisle, I see a bride and groom on the cusp of saying their vows with a preacher when all hell breaks loose. Suffice it to say I was sprayed with some bloody arterial spraying. The reception was an orgy of zombie like actors feasting on wedding guests. The food covered in CGI maggots and it clearly was a satisfying climax to a haunted house that lasts about 20-25 minutes.


Aside from the HH, there is a great bar called the Baby Dolls Lounge that gives an awesome view of the strip. The drink specials all have horror themes such as Eli Roth's blood which I tried out. There is nothing like ending a haunted house acid trip with some yummy alcoholic beverages.

All in all, I'd have to say I had a fun time checking out the Goretorium. Roth and CEO Robert Frey have a pure home in Vegas and with an agenda of changing themes (be it Christmas, New Years and Valentine's Day)  it seems it will be a main stay for years to come. It's quite a challenge to be a year round horror themed attraction but Vegas could use some fear and scares along with their magic acts and death defying circus attractions.

With Roth's horror intellect, they have created a movie studio equivalent of visiting the sets that made Hostel memorable. If gore, torture and mind baffling effects are your idea of fun, the Goretorium is a must see. The actors I was told are true fans of the genre, who want to amplify the thrills and chills for every brave tourist who enters. From the macabre, to the freaks and geeks, to the horror fan everyman, Eli Roth's Goretorium caters to a variety of horror fandom. It's a gorehound's wet dream come to life, something Eli Roth probably had in mind.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Eli Roth's Goretorium on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter
• Eli Roth's Goretorium is located on the Northeast corner of HARMON and LAS VEGAS BLVD.
  3717 Las Vegas Blvd. South on the second level
• Tickets are $29.95.
  
• For more photos of Goretorium, check out the jaded viewer Facebook page.
• Special Thanks to the Alex and the management team for making me welcome and for an awesome time!

Check out the trailer.

Categories: eli roth, gore, goretorium, haunted house, hostel, las vegas, splatter, torture porn

Blackout Haunted House 2012 (Walkthrough and Spoilers)

It's now a bicoastal phenomenon.

When I first started writing these walkthroughs in 2010 and 2011, they were more so therapy for me to get what I had just experienced into some sort of coherent thought pattern. Also, I wanted to share this fringe theater experiment with the rest of the interwebs. I was excited to share what I had done and hoped others would try their luck at the baddest haunted house on the planet.

So let me first tell you what I know about Blackout Haunted House: Los Angeles Edition. I didn't get to go but a flurry of bloggers, critics, writers and reporters have splurged on what happened. Basically, Blackout LA was a "greatest hits" version of the last 2 years. You got eerie TVs, total darkness touching, suffocation, condoms and shoes, staple guns, rapists and naked chained victim girl. Sound familiar? That' because these are all elements from what NYC and myself experienced the last 2 October haunts. Cracked.com gives an overview of the LA experience if you want to read further.

But this year's NYC edition as I wrote in my review:  

"Blackout continues to remove you out of your normal world, scars you with  imagery you will have dreams and nightmares about for days to come and if you survive it, welcomes you in becoming part of the scariest and challenging horror events you will ever go through. Because of Blackout, I will never see a haunted house the same way again."

Tons of people have experienced themselves what they've only read about on this blog and others. But clearly from the e-mails, tweets, Facebook messages I've received, it seems my experience is the one people want to hear about. And I'm here to oblige. But this year, we're adding a bit of a twist. My fellow Survivor Special K has written about her experience, from a female perspective and having gone through twice. I'll be posting that soon and and possibly other Survivor perspectives as well.

Blackout Haunted House c/o of Blackout Facebook Page

I'm doing this because even though the people who went to Blackout all experienced about 70% or so the same horror formula, 30% was different throughout the run and each person wound up with some rather disturbing yet cool differences. Now you get to read about all the little nuances Blackout employed to get you go WTF when discussing with other Survivors.

I went in early October having convinced the Downtown Traveler that this was the baddest haunted house in NYC. When you get to scare the noobs, you totally do it. I also came to realize that if I asked if they read up on Blackout, they'd say they read a walkthrough on The Jaded Viewer which put a smile to my face. I sometimes would let them know who I was, but more so I listened as they would describe what I wrote. Pretty fuckin funny. Mind you, what I wrote below is as best as I can remember. Memories start to fade and months later, I'm still confused by events, dialogue and the order it all occured. But I'll have a few versions for you all to read so that should make up for it.

Now let's get to what all the fuss was all about shall we?

• We start off where we began. Back to the semi abandoned storefront from 2010. The door is covered up (see photo above) and as you enter the space a mist of foggy gloom hovers in the air. Back near the door, two woman educate you on the Blackout experience, give you your ticket and your waiver to sign. After completing all that, you're given a number  which you stick on to the front of your shirt or whatever you're wearing. I was #17 and then you wait.


• And wait. And wait. It's a waiting like no other. As you wait with other patrons who are all behind a rope in the middle of the room I see Josh (one of the masterminds of Blackout) directing the action and picking the next victims. A few feet from the rope is a lone door with an X taped in front of it. As you watch each person go through they stand on the X, their back to the door. And suddenly WHOOSH! The door opens they're grabbed into the darkness with the door loudly closing behind them. Now that's one helluva way to scare the shit out of the people in the waiting room.


• Josh heads in my direction and though I had heard him go through the spiel with other firs timers ("Do you have epilepsy?" and "What is the SAFETY word?") He goes to me and says, you know the drill right? Of course I do. I'm a fuckin veteran.


• I'm soon guided to the X and stand patiently with my back to the door. It's then I see goodbye to the crowd, a hand comes across my chest and I'm grabbed into the darkness.
  
  

  

  Blackout Haunted House c/o of Blackout Facebook Page



• A voice calls from the darkness and puts a thin surgical mask over my mouth wrapping the string  around my ears. Then goggles are put on which partially blinds my view with a hazy cloud. I'm then told to put my hands on the wall, police brutality style. It's a physical pat down, one the NYPD would be proud of. Bear hugged I'm led into a room where I would have a soundtrack to my terror.


• In the next room, my hands are placed face down on a table and roped across left to right and strapped down. I can barely see through my foggy goggles but I can feel somebody spreading my fingers across the table. Headphones are put on and now I can clearly here a crazy staticky metal tune that one Survivor pointed out was from Funny Games. Clearly Blackout has employed Jigsaw with a minimum wage job and once my hand is in place I hear the dreaded smash of a hammer on the table. SMASH! It starts on the far edge of the table and slowly inches towards my fingers. BANG! It's getting damn close and I'm getting a bit freaked out the actor might decide today is the day he'll accidentally take out his anger of his girlfriend dumping him or some shit. CRASH! It's now as close as can be and before I can brace for impact.  Then smoke emanates across my back. What seems to be a fire extinguisher has now engulfed my back and part of the room. It's an odd smell, an odd sensation  to feel it work across my back. The equipment is removed (headphones and goggles) and I'm screamed at to leave and into the next room.


•  I'm led into a corner of a room where in far point in the room is what I now refer to as weird gay naked dancer. Though initially I thought I'd get my first feargasm I start to notice that who I thought was a she, is actually a he. He's naked from the waist down and I can see his bait and tackle and it's giving me Silence of the Lamb flashbacks. This isn't good at all. Handed a music box I hold to my left ear, it chimes melodic bells playing a tune while WGND asks me "Let's Dance". I oblige as what the hell right? Might as well play the part of "Victim #17". We start dancing and it's really awkward but somehow in a David Lynch way, it's a surreal creepy experience. He breathes heavy into my ear and my bat sense is tingling this is the lull before the storm. It seems this is designed to get those alpha male/gothtards uncomfortable and I'm sure SAFETIES are called due to a mild case of homophobia. But I push...because somebody grabs me and pushes me into the next room.


• Down some stairs and now on to the next room is a scene that echoes all what I love about Blackout.
  I immediately hear music playing from a record player, the spin skipping every so often. The room is lit for maximum mesmerization. Broken records and by records I mean vinyl records (remember those kids?) litters the room and in the far corner is a girl, partially naked wearing what seems to be a hospital gown, ripped to shreds. I'm sure you're asking if I saw her lady parts and yes I did and it's quite yummy in a fucked up sort of way. Because my experience has always let me know nothing is what it seems here. She looks at me, in a plotting and conniving way then turns her back to me, hops on a step in the room. My back is against a wall in the other end of the room and I start to watch the show. She slowly starts to reach down to her vajayjay, between her legs and pulls out (oh god it's going to be tampon-mania again I think) but it's much worse. It's a fully loaded, PornHub approved condom and she's quite pleased with herself that she gave birth to this piece of latex. She slowly moves towards me, I look deep into her eyes as she dips her fingers into the used Trojan. My face is making an "O" face and it's not for the letter it usually stands for. She then proceeds to pull the condom and drink the yummerific white liquid inside....holy mother of Jenna! Thoughts of porn scenarios enter my head (not that I watch that filthy stuff ;-P) and that concludes our show. That free clip courtesy of the folks at Blackout Haunted House.


• Now off to the next room and a beige plastic bag is thrown over my head. Here's your perspective. Surgical mask over your mouth and bag over your head. Breathing now becomes a premium. Now the first true twist I've seen in a while is thrown into my face as I'm led into the "Whiteout room". I call it the Whiteout room because it's very bright, like tons of illumination is making this room glow and making my bag feel like I'm in the inner part of a light bulb. I stand in what seems to be a shit load of time, my breathing now is taken in small bursts as the bag contracts with every breath. I'm shoved into a wall and smacked in the head. I see the silhouette of something through my bag and immediately I feel tongue smashing into my mouth through the bag. I start to squirm, turning my head to left and then to the right but this shape (a guy? a girl? a werewolf?) wants to get to 3rd fuckin base with me. I'm yelled at if "I like it" and my mouth would like to say something but it's constantly full of tongue. I feel kibbles and nibbles and bites oh my. I unwillingly made out with a stranger who I will never see their face. With that makeout session over, the bag finally removed I'm led out into a hallway to see what else they'd like to do with me.





via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

• I see a girl in a blue dress, partially torn so that her breasts can breathe. But breathing and touching are going to be something that one does not want to do at this moment. My new feargasm friend is squatting over a bucket. She tells me to kneel and I comply and then she grabs my head and pushes it near the edge of the bucket. "It's coming!" she yells and so it is. I start to realize as she makes those #2 noises we all know so well that the bucket is full of shit. I thought when girls take a shit, bluebirds fly and it smells like lemon pie. Clearly I was mistaken. Because she's done her business into the bucket and I get to see it. Suddenly, she grabs my right wrist right into the bucket and I start feeling the contents. It's putrid, smelly when it hits my nostrils. I can feel it's squishiness, the texture like wood chips and oatmeal. God I hope it was only oatmeal. She then guides my now bacteria-ed hand onto her chest and I am forced to smear it all over her boobies. In any other fuckin context would this seem like a dream scenario, but no my friends. This is a nightmare. This shit shouldn't be taken lightly.


• Now back to my feet I'm guided by a Blackout employee and given some sort of squishy toy. I soon realize it's a rag or sponge so I can clean off the vile feces from my hand. I proceed to do so but clearly it's not done it's job and I use my shirt instead. With this brief breather done, bizarro Neverland continues.


• My memory of the order may be questioned here but here is what I can remember. Also what follows differs from person to person. I'm shoved into a wall where my head is strapped to the wall with some sort of rope. My head is turned to the left my face smacked against the grimy wall. Obscenities are yelled at me, my name is used and more taunting. I'm given a some sort of foam log and told to hold it and if I drop it the dude will bash my skull in. The rope is tightened and I can feel the strain on my head and neck but there is no god damn way I'm dropping this log. It's not an intense pain, it's more of a workout pain, lifting that last weight before a session ends. Oh yeah. I don't really work out. Soon the restraints are removed but I still don't drop the log from behind my back but soon it's taken from me. I passed motherfuckers! What's my reward?


• Well the reward is a stream of flash bulbs, camera lights and flickering from a group of trigger happy photographers. It's a blinding wave of flashing and I'm sure this is the Instagram from Hell. I later realize this is Blackout's version of those pictures from Splash Mountain at Disney World. They're going to post my "Oh Shit" face for everyone to see.


• As the flashing subsides, I have two angry dudes guide me into the middle of a room. One of them yells at me to "Kneel Down!". I proceed to do so on the hard concrete floor. Another yells at me to "Stand Up!" I obey. They circle around me like vultures. "Did I say to stand up? Kneel down motherfucker!" I concur. The other guy yells "I don't think I told you to kneel, fuckin stand up!" I do as I'm told. This goes on for what seems to be quite a while and my knees are getting semi fucked up. As this finally concludes, I'm shoved into a small room. I would then be here for a while.


• Shoved into this closet or as I like to think of it, the closet underneath the stairs I can hear the gate close as they pull it down. I'm not claustrophobic so tight spaces don't bother me. I start to look around and see some tiny spaces I think I can crawl into but I'm not entirely sure if that's something I'm suppose to do. So I stand here, in the dark in this damp tiny space. Soon I hear the metal gate open and another person is thrown into the closet. This happens again and there are 3 of us trapped in the closet (hahahaha, I made a lame joke) Quiet for the first 2 minutes, my new closet-mates think I'm part of the show but I inform them I'm in here not of my own free will. Soon they are removed one by one until I'm alone again. I'm not sure what the point of that was. I can clearly see Blackout experimenting by having you interact with your fellow Survivors but it was quite weird. I guess claustrophobia and bottled in with others is suppose invoke that walls closing in feeling. It kinda didn't have that affect on me unfortunately.


• Now finally led out of my closet home, I see a girl on her knees and am told to do the same. I am now facing her, kneeling down and told to scream. I do. As always my first scream isn't good enough and am told to scream louder. I yell like my dick got cut off. It works. Now I'm told to ask my fellow patron for forgiveness. I yell out "Please forgive me!" I don't hear her response, just a scream.


• I'm then given a pair of pliers from a Blackout staff member and led into a bathroom. The room is covered with blood splatter and I see a girl who's completely naked in the corner. Her body is bloody, like she just had come from Dexter-ing a few victims, but she appears frightened like she was just a victim herself. As she comes closer, I can see her mouth is dripping blood and some of her teeth are partially missing. She looks at me and says "Did you do this?" I say no, shaking my head. She stares at the pliers I was holding. "Liar!" she yells and grabs the pliers from my hand. She then takes the pliers and soon there near my mouth and this is the pinnacle of my feargasm. I'm about exchange bodily fluids with a naked, bloodied hot girl but not the way I imagined. She then says get out of here and pushes me out the door and out into the lobby I go ending my Blackout experience.

I'm pretty sure I messed up the order and probably forgot a few things. It was almost 2 months ago but my fellow Survivors have helped me remember what I may have missed. My experience took place in early October as Blackout was probably experimenting with what worked and what didn't. What you'll read in Special K's Walkthrough may be a bit different but some stuff stays the same. Some of it got more intense as the month went on from what I read on Blackout's Facebook page and what I've been told. There were a few twists and turns and somethings were a bit more wicked as you'll find out.

Overall this is the Blackout experience LA wasn't ready for. It's the type of stuff people from all over the country road trip to, who visit from Canada and from across the pond. Goths, metal heads, punk rockers, alpha jocks, nerds and geeks all come to NYC to try their luck in Blackout NYC. They've heard the stories, mostly from me and this blog and want to see if I've been exaggerating all this time. Trust me I'm not.

To the readers who've only read about Blackout through this blog and via various reviews, I wish you could join in on the fun. Some of you might be saying I'd never do anything like that. OK, nobody is putting a fuckin gun to your head. You read this walk through in the safety of your home. But over 5000 people in LA and NYC went to Blackout this year (which I think is some sort of record). All of these survivors have now a pretty awesome story to tell.

Sure there are people who hated it. Fear is all relative. I'm not claustrophobic, but the person next me might be. Some heterosexual male might be feel too weirded out and call SAFETY once he starts to see some dude's cock. I also heard somebody SAFETIED 5 minutes in. Jeezus. So anything that might scare you, might not have the affect on somebody else. If this were a horror movie, you get your standard amounts of quick scares, blood and guts and lots and lots of disgusting shit (literally).

Whatever your fear may be, Blackout will eventually find it.

But if you need more, here is some trivia for you to salivate on. The creators of Blackout have informed me that some filming was done for one of The Travel Channel's programs on haunted houses! It should air sometime next year. Two of my close Survivor friends had cameras mounted on them as they experienced the haunt. So for the first time, you'll see on TV what you've only read about.

How about them razor bladed apples?

So now I open it all up. Did you go to Blackout Haunted House in Los Angeles or NYC this year? Leave a comment below, on The Jaded Viewer Facebook page or tweet me your thoughts. You may have loved it or hated it but let the conversation begin. I think a lot of people want to know if they'd like to take the plunge into the baddest haunted house in the country.

Check out all my walkthroughs and reviews of Blackout Haunted House including the invite only off season Spring haunt!

Blackout Haunted House Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Special K's Blackout Haunted House 2012 Walkthrough and Spoilers
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2012)
• Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011) 
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)  
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Blackout Haunted House Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House: Spring Edition (2012)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House (SPRING EDITION) Walkthrough Review (2011)

If you have any questions or comments let me know. I was thinking of doing a Reddit AMA in addition to my standard walk through.If you think that's a good idea, let me know.

You can go also leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter.

Categories: blackout haunted house, darkness, halloween, haunted house, new york city, nudity, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, torture porn, vortex theater, walkthrough

Blackout Haunted House 2012 (Review)

courtesy of Blackout Haunted House

Well a lot has happened since I posted my 2011 review of Blackout Haunted House. Blackout made the front page of Reddit and my review in turn did as well. My walk through from 2010 and 2011 was massively dissected by Redditors, message boards and readers all across the world and is now the single most viewed posts in my entire blog.

I've been posting about Blackout since 2010. I've been to two October haunts  and two Spring off season events. (2010 and 2011). I'm pretty sure some people have been to more than I have (Blackout started off as NYC Halloween Haunted House in 2009). But the fact that creators Josh Randall and Kris Thorgeirsson knew instantly who I was and that I am part of the infamous Survivor Club (brave men and women who've endured their Spring haunts) makes it seem I'm an unofficial member of the Blackout team. Suffice it to say, before noobs and first timers went through, Josh  ask the disclaimer questions. "What is the SAFETY word?" and "Do you have epilepsy?"  For me, he totally bypassed it as I already knew the drill.

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

But I hold to some principles and I'm still the jaded viewer and so being a veteran gives me a unique perspective on their event. Going in, I wanted them to push the envelope so to speak and integrate a few of the interactive horror elements I've asked for in my previous reviews. What we get in 2012 is completely different from past versions. My walkthroughs which you are all reading obsessively....just throw them out the window because none of that stuff happens. Blackout has made it a point to reboot itself every year which is why the event for even myself causes me to get pterodactls in my stomach. I have no idea what's going to happen and that's why it remains addictive.

As I've said before, Blackout Haunted House is the haunted house other haunted houses are afraid of. It is a journey out the the realm of the normal, where the bizarre, the surreal, the terror all come to life right before your eyes. It is full of visual eye candy vignettes that take you out of comfort zone and place you into situations that test your endurance mentally and physically.  I tweeted out after I had gone through: Oh how do I summarize my thoughts on #blackout2012 @NYChauntedhouse I think it can be best summed up if you found a David Lynch snuff tape. It's kinda the best metaphor right after I went through.

David Lynch snuff tapes and feargasms

I know what you're saying. They aren't going to harm me, they're all actors. But let me ask you this. You signed a waiver and even through everything around you is "make believe", like in The Matrix says "You're mind makes it real". And that's when I saw 3 safeties get called at night before I went in. I'll say as a hardcore veteran, I wasn't actually scared or frightened but I did have my moments of pure WTF. A first timer might be unaccustomed to it all and SAFETY 5 minutes in. But Blackout tests you in ways you've never have been subjected to in this loose concept of a "haunted house".

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

So what did 2012 offer? In a nutshell, it's a curveball of weird Lynchian visuals with a signature gut wrenching moment, in the dark torture, interrogation gone awry and naked WTF moments that will give you multiple feargasms. You'll start off signing a waiver which in the dark, is hard to read which gives you the complete rules and possible situations you will encounter. Everything in the rules WILL HAPPEN. Once that's complete you are given a number you'll need to paste on your clothing. I was number 17 and then comes the hardest endurance challenge you'll have to suffer through other than going to the DMV. Waiting to be called. The waiting area is dimly lit, full of fog and has a few chairs as people wait to be called. There is a rope that divides the room and a lone door that begins your journey. As I wait I try to implant red herrings to my fellow haunted house partner in crime this year "L" (check out her review here) As I watched her go through for the first time ever I see the door open, she's grabbed and then whisked away into the darkness.

My experience was clearly one of sheer joy and adrenaline. I won't give a walkthrough or spoilers until after both NYC and LA versions are over but it was full of unexpected challenges that even I had to get through for the first time. The event will roughly be 20-30 minutes but when you're in there you really do lose all sense of time. You will be physically challenged, minimally abused, ridiculed and made to do things that make sense and don't make sense. Some rooms will be in complete darkness others are not. You will interact with the actors and sometimes the actors will interact with you. In essence, you're completely not in control of when it's over and what you can do.

Blackout is.

What you do while you're in these visually stimulating rooms containing both male and female nudity is to watch, but don't touch and perform the actions called for. Following orders is key because you just have to let go. I did as I was told when given every command. Because remember, YOU PAID FOR THIS. Why challenge the way it was designed?

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

Blackout will stimulate 4 of the 5 senses during your experience. There are very uncomfortable moments of touching something icky, horrifying sounds echoing throughout the experience, smells of grime and filth and the sights of the bizarre. This is what makes Blackout unique in they make you experience each of these senses in a warped bizarro horror world. Some rooms have a soundtrack to them that play magnificently on what you're seeing.

There are moments of pure physical distress that will have you gasping for air while feeling all mortified by what's happening to you physically. It's probably where most SAFETIES occur I can imagine. There is also a claustrophobia moment that had me going WTF. I don't have that phobia so I was clearly getting itchy to have me some alone time with the Blackout crew. There are a few more twists and turns that are completely new and innovative this year and when I encountered them for the first time, I had a big grin on my face. I was like, Holy Shit! this is completely different.

The actors all give solid performances (from the one's that I saw and some from I only heard from). Being an actor in Blackout must be physically and mentally exhausting and to do this for hours straight is a testament to these men and women. I've wondered how difficult it is to be an actress at Blackout. What's their preparation like? They have no idea what type of person they'll be performing to one on one. I mean it's just you and her. I would love to interview one of these stellar actresses one day. Even your torturers must have fascinating stories to tell. The crew does a good job in moving you from "room" to "room" and it's paced in a way where you get a sense of lull for few minutes, torturous action over a few frenetic minutes then a breather. It ends with a very suspenseful moment that would make even Eli Roth proud.

Will the real survivors please stand up?

I will say that even through you're playing victim in this interactive horror movie you are partly a prop being moved along from place to place. I would have liked to partly push some of the action along that made my scene with the actors be more personal. However I will say my name was being tossed around so clearly they knew who I was and made me the star of my little "short" which was cool.  If I was allowed to go about and perform some limited easy task where it triggered a unique "cut scene" that would have been cool. These were elements from last year had that and I hoped for more this year. As I mentioned before, I seemed to be boxed in for a period of time that had me scratching my head. Who knows what I missed as I heard other people be tortured?

via The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page

Josh and Kris have said each Survivor passage is different for each person. No two people may actually experience the same journey but they will experience all the main meat and potatoes of the event. Does the order switch up? You'd have to probably go through twice but what sicko would want to do that? (The Jaded Viewer raises his hand)

Blackout Haunted House is the baddest haunted house in the country. You walk through it alone and will  feel what you've only watched in these torture-core horror movies. You can read my reviews and walkthroughs all you like, ask me questions on the experience but there is no exhilarating rush like going to a Blackout event. It's spawned a group of 20 strong members of hardcore fanboys and fangirls called the Survivors Club, became legendary over night due to Reddit and now will probably start scaring some brave celebrities and LA trendsetters this year. What use to be a haunted house only talked about in whispers, on a few message boards and in cult blogs like this one is no longer an underground secret.

Blackout Haunted House is now a phenomenon, a viral challenge for Halloween goers looking for a hardcore thrill. It's opened up a debate of can be done to you if you sign up for it. It's making believers out of everybody as survivors begin to emerge telling noobs of their tale about this haunted house in NYC. The one with all the touching and nudity.

But it hasn't lost it's edge. Blackout continues to remove you out of your normal world, scars you with  imagery you will have dreams and nightmares about for days to come and if you survive it, welcomes you in becoming part of the scariest and challenging horror events you will ever go through. Because of Blackout, I will never see a haunted house the same way again.

You won't either.


The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Blackout Haunted House on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter
• Blackout Haunted House (NYC) is now open and runs until November 4th. It is located at:
  115 West 27th Street (between 6th & 7th) New York, NY 10001
• Blackout Haunted House (LA) will run from October 20th-November 4th. It's located at:207 S. Broadway, 2nd Floor
  Los Angeles, CA 90012
  
• Tickets are $45 and will get more expensive closer to Halloween. They usually get sold out quickly. You can purchase tickets on the official site.
  
• For more photos of Blackout Haunted House, check out the jaded viewer Facebook page.
• Special Thanks to the Blackout team for making me welcome and for an awesome time!

Check out the trailer.




Check out all my walkthroughs and reviews of Blackout Haunted House including the invite only off season Spring haunt!

Halloween/October Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2011)
• Blackout Haunted House Review (2011)  
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Walkthrough and Spoilers (2010)
•  Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House Review (2010)

Invite Only, Off Season Spring Haunt Reviews and Walkthroughs

• Blackout Haunted House: Spring Edition (2012)
• Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House (SPRING EDITION) Walkthrough Review (2011)

If you have any questions or comments let me know. I was thinking of doing a Reddit AMA after their run ends  in addition to my standard walk through.If you think that's a good idea, let me know.

You can go also leave any comments/questions on The Jaded Viewer Facebook Page or on Twitter.

Categories: blackout, blackout haunted house, halloween, interactive horror movie, new york city, nudity, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, nyc horror, torture porn, vortex theater

Blackout Haunted House 2011 (Review) (NYC Haunted House 2011)

 . . .

**Hello fellow Redditors, it seems you are all curious of this haunted house that other haunted houses are afraid of. I'll be posting my review of 2012 edition in the next few weeks. In the meantime, be sure to ask your burning questions in this AMA which  The Raven and Black Cat has created. TRBC and myself have been to at least 4 Blackout haunts including the infamous invite only Spring event. We're part of the Survivors Club and we know what we're talking about. Also, head over to the Jaded Viewer Facebook page and check me out on Twitter. Also check out TRBC on Twitter as well.**

Check out my review of Blackout Haunted House 2012!

There was once a boxer from Brooklyn who started making waves in the sport. At first, people would hear whispers and first hand accounts of a kid with a serious punch who was knocking the shit out of his opponents. Nobody knew if this kid actually existed but then he got some exposure and the knockouts kept coming. He soon became the world heavyweight champion.

He didn't come out to any fancy ring music. He didn't wear a robe but instead wore plain black trunks and plain black socks and sneakers. You knew what you were going to see when he stepped into the ring. You were going to see the most intimidating man on the fuckin planet and a scared shitless opponent. When the fight started, there were hits you didn't see coming, punches that came out of nowhere and a knockout that brought you to your feet. This poor opponent didn't stand a chance and was left beatened, downtrodden and utterly stunned by what had happened.

That's the best way to metaphorically describe Blackout Haunted House, bar none the best haunted house in NYC. It's like stepping into the ring with an in his prime Iron Mike Tyson and though you know you're gonna get the crap kicked out of you, you'll live to tell about it. What's more awesome than that?

Having attended last year (see review here and walkthrough here) and the Spring edition (see review here) I am truly proud to be part of "The Survivors Club", a group of 20 or so strong men and women who have become hardened veterans of Vortex Theater's Haunted House. These select few who went through the May "invite only" have experienced the most extreme trauma they've ever paid for. I think some have not spoken about it since that day (well except for me). But even as a survivor, I was still a little nervous of what was to come. I had a gut feeling Josh Randall and Kris Thor, the minds behind this fringe experiment in terror, would up the ante and go over and I mean way over the edge of their previous installments. And they totally freakin do.

Blackout is their best version yet. It's like being a star in a living, breathing torture porn horror movie. You're the final girl (or guy). You meet the characters of Blackout, interact with them and even push the story to its final conclusion. But make no mistake, it's not going to be an easy journey.

YOU WILL SUFFER.

YOU WILL BE TORTURED.

YOU WILL BE FORCED TO DO THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SICK.

YOU WILL SEE THINGS YOU WISH YOU NEVER SAW.

But as all final girls/guys do, you're going to survive. It's the most gratifying feeling you will ever get. Being a survivor of Blackout Haunted House is a graduation from your most dreaded fears be it sexual depravity, germ warfare, Abu Gharab torture, claustrophobia and the eerie quiet of pitch black darkness. Blackout has conjured up a class in each of these and the only way you actually FAIL is by screaming the word: SAFETY. And as far as I know, they've gotten a ton of failing students.

I however got an A+ and never uttered the word. But the experience was still as frightening as ever. It seems, unknown to me, Josh had personalized my walkthrough. Characters were uttering MY NAME as they leveled me with trauma. That really hit hard for me and made it 10 times more intimidating. As much as it was a treat for me, it's not standard treatment so don't expect you'll be hearing your name in the darkness.

I'm not going to give a walkthrough and spoilers until after Halloween. So if you came here to read a step by step guide, move along this isn't the review you're looking for. But I will tell you that Blackout is 100 times better than it was last year and more terrifying than the Spring version. You will have to go through it alone and you are equipped with a protective mask and a flashlight and all the rules will come into play. You will be touched, pushed and shoved like a protester at Occupy Wall Street (but without the baton beatings and pepper spray attacks). It's this level of physicality that separates itself from all other haunted houses. Expect it...it's gonna happen and it's gonna freak you out.

Blackout is NYC Halloween Haunted House on Grade A steroids. The performances by the actors are stellar and frightening. The crew is more volatile and unyielding. The sets and rooms and backdrops are beautifully crafted and convey a filth and deterioration of utter despair and hopelessness. As you go from room to room, you slowly fall apart. I started very aware and was mentally preparing myself for what was to come. Rooms with high tech jeepers creepers bring the creepy. As you move on to total darkness, your eyes shut down and your other senses get heightened. I even began to get some sort of Spider Sense. As I sat in a room, possibly all alone? shining a pathetic flashlight on any thing I sensed was getting too close...my spider sense started tingling.

Then BOOM! here comes the torturous depravity and by the time that's ended I'm completely disoriented and in the midst of my panic I don't hear an order to walk down some stairs and I'm stumbling into rooms I've already been in and being pointed towards the way out. But it continues and continues and you have to keep trudging along knowing in the back of your mind there is an end to this madness.

My one gripe I always had with previous installments is that there was limited interaction with the characters. But that has all changed this year. I played the part of final hero guy and I played it well. You'll have to do actions when told to and some of these will make you gag and squirm. I even hesitated at times but I knew that in order to keep going I HAD TO DO IT. These new little quirks in the experience amplified the overall experience. You really do feel like your playing a part in a sadistic horror story that you've accidentally stumbled upon. And you don't even have to wait to get to the good parts. You're thrown right into the ending.

And it's an ending you won't forget.

Blackout Haunted House is the haunted house other haunted houses are afraid of. It may lack the glitzy blockbuster sets, tech and visuals of it's competition. It may not be artistic or thematic or have a catchy premise. But it is the best haunted house in NYC. It's pure blacked out storefront oozes of intimidation. Once you walk through the doors, you enter their ring.

Prepare to be knocked out.

The Vitals

• The official site
• Like Blackout Haunted House on Facebook
• Like the NYC Halloween Haunted House on Facebook
• Follow on Twitter
• Blackout Haunted House is located at 54 West 39th Street (between 5th & 6th) and it's close to all major subway lines
• Tickets are $35 and are usually get sold out quickly. You can purchase tickets here.
• Blackout Haunted House runs until Halloween, 10/31/11.
• For more photos of Blackout Haunted House, check out the jaded viewer Facebook page!
• Special Thanks to the crew and actors from Vortex Productions/Blackout HH for all the kind words about the jaded viewer and giving me an awesome experience!

Check out the trailer!

*******************************************************

Here is my walkthrough and spoiler review of Blackout Haunted House!

Did you survive Blackout Haunted House? Leave your thoughts and comments below!

Categories: blackout, extreme violence, halloween, happy halloween, haunted house, interactive horror movie, new york city, nyc halloween haunted house, nyc haunted house, torture porn, vortex theater

The Collector (Review)

The Collector

The Collector (2009)

Directed by Marcus Dunstan

I never liked Saw. My main gripe was it was told in flashbacks that destroyed the suspense. So all that was left was seeing how somebody died or lived through the trap.

Mind you I still watch the Saw movies even though I despise them. Why? Because it's like a bad TV show you've already watched a couple of episodes and you feel like you gotta keep watching just to see what they do next.

So going into The Collector, I expected more of the same. More traps, more flashbacks and an unstoppable killer. Well what do you know? There were traps, no flashbacks and we got an unstoppable killer.

Sigh.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

To review this in a regular way would give me a headache, so instead you get some Q&A. Deal with it.

1.) Jigsaw can be hired for house calls now? The bad economy hit him hard. So what's the deal?

OK, it's not Jigsaw but it's Jigsaw's cousin who likes Home Depot alot. Dude where's a black lucha libre mask and he likes collecting people. Yes horror minions, this dude collects people. I guess he thinks they'll go up in value in a few years.

2.) So who's our final guy? I'm betting he's Asian because Asians make good final guys.

Hmm I don't see Asian Final Guys in the slasher handbook. But no it's a regular white dude. Seems this guy needs to help his wife and uses is burglar skills to rip off some rich guy's safe. But Collector Man hits the same house. Oh fuck for non Asian Final Guy.

3.) I hear Madeline Zima plays a goody two shoes, God fearing, very devout virgin in this flick?

She plays a chain smoking slut. What did you expect?

4.) Do we get to see her boobs?

Yup. They're real and they're spectacular.

5.) I wanna discuss the traps. They seem like real traps that can be put together in a few minutes without any real skills. I mean a table from IKEA is harder to put together than these elaborate traps...right?

Hahahaha. Holy fuckin cow jaded viewers. The biggest logic issues (besides Collector Man's tendency to collect people) has gotta be how he puts these traps together. Let's go through the list shall we in a WTF list?

• He boards up all the windows with wood planks with razors attached to them (WTF!?! This would take at least 3 hours and a crew of 3...c'mon now)
• He puts nail heads on the steps (WTF!?! That's a lot of hammering)
• Acid on the floor in a room (WTF?!? Wouldn't the acid burn through the wood?)
• Like 20 Bear traps on the floor (WTF?!? Bear traps are heavy and take a long time to prensap into place)
• A scissors trap that results on a death by nails on a wall (WTF?!? Now this takes some serious levers and pulley systems...who is this guy? MacGyver?)
• Another trap which pulls a victim by the feet (WTF?!? More wires and pulley systems. Does he have MIT students helping him out?)
• Fish hooks in the shower (WTF?!? I mean seriously..this is some tedious type shit)
• Various other traps that would require a crew of 25, working 24/7 and take at least 3 months to set up

6.) So do people who seem like douchebags die? I like seeing death by douchebaggery.

Yeah some rich people get zilched so thats always a plus. A few sporadic others die.

7.) I'm a proud card carrying member of the More Gore in Gore Movies Association of America. Should I watch this? Also, can you not tell my mom that I'm a member of the MGIGMAMA.

If you love the gore, you'll see the following: Some intestinal fortitude spewage, tongue trauma, nail trauma, bear trap trauma and death by dog neck trauma, lip trauma, teeth trauma

8.) Do any little kids spew any vulgarities?

Umm no dude. This isn't Kick-Ass.

9.) So is this Collector Man as badass as Jigsaw, Jason, Freddy or Michael?

It's like this dude saw too many Saw movies and wanted to be a slasher in real life. You know a Unabomber intellect but gothy. I suspect this guy has severe mental problems and he is from Bulgaria. Also, he's fuckin fat.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

You know how these movies go. When you think you've won, shit comes out of nowhere to mess up your day. I blame inept cops and terrorists.

WTF Moment

How the fuck did he put all these traps together in like 20 minutes?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well if you're a fan of those Jigsaw traps, I guess you'll like this flick. It's got some serious wicked ones which is why it gets half a rating more than it should get. The obvious logic questions in all these Saw and The Collector type movies has gotta be this:

1. How the hell can they afford to make all these traps?
2. Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?

Well I checked, there is no such site. Sigh.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer

Categories: 2009 horror movies, 2010 horror dvd, gore, saw, splatter, splatter gore, the collector, top splatter movies, torture porn

I'm a fan of watching people get surgically connected by their anus

Last September, I first heard of The Human Centipede and my jaw dropped. The stills were WHA!?!? The plot was double WHA?!? I even wrote:

"Is this the start of biotorture horror?"

The thing about a movie like The Human Centipede is its like eating really uber spicy food. Or kinda like eating super apocalyptic, nuclear hot wings. It's not going to taste good, you are probably going to vomit and it's going to make you feel sick, but if you get through it....well you're one of the few to get to experience the glory of getting through it.

I'm for one want a challenge. Only a few movies have seriously disturbed the shit out of me. And most of them have been German. But never did I think the Netherlands could come up with this (they must have awesome weed).

There are a few people who would seek out a film to see like this. In my 5 Types of Moviegoers who watch Horror Movies, The Core are #1. I'll go one extra. The Uber Core are the one's who want to experience seeing the vilest, disturbing, horrific films ever put on celluloid (or video).

These are the few, the brave men and women who've seen pseudo snuff horror, porn torture-core and vomit horror. Well let's add biotorture to the list. Are you Uber Core? Well if you want to be, a viewing of The Human Centipede is step 1 in joining this rare group of horror-ites.

If you missed the trailer, check it out below. Thanks to Twitch Film for the trailer.

Categories: 2010 horror movies, 5 types of moviegoers who watch horror movies, the human centipede, the human centipede photos, the human centipede trailer, torture porn