They Wait (Review)

They Wait

They Wait (2007)

Directed by Ernie Barbarash

After watching the opening scene of They Wait and after the intro credits started to roll, up came the foreboding credit of:

Executive Producer

Uwe Boll

I should have just shut off the movie right then and there. But I knew what I was getting into. I knew a film based on Chinese mythos and ghost stories would be your typical The Ring-like dash and scare.

But dammit, it had the hotness that is Jaime King. And the there's this clip I saw where she gets into the shower and gets spooked. So I spent the next 80 minutes hoping that this would turn into a very good American remake ala The Ring.

And I kept waiting. And waiting. And freakin waiting.

I'm still fuckin waiting.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young mother and her six-year-old son come face to face with the mysteries of two murders and a great crime against the Chinese community into which they have recently arrived from Shanghai.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Before I review, let me answer all your most important and pertinent questions about this flick.

1.) Are you telling me that in They Wait, Jaime King is married to a Chinese dude?

A: Fuck yeah. Kudos to the filmmakers for making all Asian guys think they have a chance to score with Jaime King.

2.) So you're telling me when some Chinese dude and Jaime King have an offspring, it looks like a 100% Chinese kid?

A: Yes. Not even a hint of any Caucasian genes is in this kid. Look at the pic below. Is that kid even look like he's from a mixed marriage?????

3.) OK, I just want to watch this movie because I heard there is a Jaime King shower scene. Does she get naked?

A: Well naked is a relative term. It looks like she is naked, but you don't see shit. It's like the Jessica Alba scene in The Eye. Fuckin big tease. Check out the scene here.

4.) So just tell me already, this is like the Ring right?

A: Yup. Hot blonde with son tries to stop a ancient spirits of evil from killing her family. She needs to uncover the deep dark secret the family has covered up so that the spirits can rest. Yada yada yada.

5.) Are you sure the hot blonde isn't Sarah Michelle Gellar?

A: Hold on let me check the DVD box again.......nope. It's Jaime King.

6.) I read other reviews and they said there were scary moments and big chills. Is that true?

A: Those people are fuckin idiots. This wouldn't scare an ass out of a hole.

7.) Is this film Canadian?

A: Yeah. Hey. Hosers.

8.) Is there any gore or splatter that would make this film even worth putting on my Netflix queue?

A: Let's see. A tree bleeds. Meat cleaver in the head. Some bones and skulls. Nothing that I can think of.

9.) Will there ever be a good Asian movie that can be remade for Western audiences?

A: Not really. You might as well rent or buy the originals. Read the english subtitles. It's not going to kill you. These movies were made for their core audience for that particular country. They are on the most basic levels movies about the fear of the supernatural in all of us. Wow that sounded like a real review.

10.) So what exactly are they waiting for?

A: I think for the movie to end.

To sum it up, Jaime King basically emotes alot and tries to rid her 100% Chinese son from these demons. A few CGI scares and some flashbacky ending later, you really can't believe this was a DVD movie and not some episode of Fear Itself or a segement of Masters of Horror.

Influences

The Ring
The Grudge
Every other J-horror movie
Every other Thai-horror movie
Every other Chinese-horror movie

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

A hatchet through the head (didn't I write that already?)

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

So close to seeing some Jaime King boobies. But trust me, in a few years we'll be seeing her do Skinemax soon enough.

WTF moment

Why didn't I just turn this off in the beginning?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I really should have shut off the flick after seeing the gratuitous Jaime King shower scene. But I was so intrigued by the premise that she was married to this Chinese dude and had a kid that was 100% Chinese I kept watching. I thought they'd explain it. Like it was a kid from the husband's 1st marriage or that he was adopted. I wanted a fuckin explanation for this.

So I kept waiting. And waiting.

Trust me, you don't want to wait this fuckin long.

Rating:
The Trailer:





Tags:
they wait, they wait review , jaime king , jaime king naked, gratuitous nudity, chinese demons, j-horror, multiracial couple, top horror movie 2008,they wait horror, ,chinese horror,

Categories: canadian horror, chinese ghosts, demons, ghost stories, j-horror, jaime king, jaime king naked, jaime king shower scene, multiracial couple, they wait, they wait review, white girl with asian guy

Death Note (Trailer)

The good ole Japanese film industry keeps churning out some really, good interesting creative horror. And when you think we've stop stealing from them, Hollywood is ready with their checkbook.

The next movie in line for a horror remake is Death Note.

Plot-o-matic:

A battle between the world's 2 greatest minds begins when Light Yagami finds the Death Note, a notebook with the power to kill, and decides to rid the world of criminals.

The original Japanese trailer is below (with English subs!)



Tags:
death note, desu noto , death note trailer , japanese horror, hollywood horror remake, light yagami, top horror movies of 2008, bloody violence

Categories: death note, hollywood remake, j-horror, japanese horror, manga

Steve's Movie Review Of The Day: J-Horror Edition

I know it's been a while since I've updated. But I've been watching a lot of horror and now I soon will have many more reviews to post.

So for now I present to you some classic Insano Steve reviews (J-Horror edition)!

Inugami

Inugami (2001)

Directed by Masato Harada

Rural Japanese village is haunted by ancient spirits of evil which are essentially a scapegoat for all the shit that goes wrong in town. Lady goes through mysterious reverse aging process when she hooks up with new stranger in town. She wishes to leave God-forsaken village but finds it difficult when she realizes she's the cause of a large majority of the haunting.

Very stylistically shot film doesn't have much gore but does have good ole Oedipus Complex (sex with mother for the uninitiated). Movie won various awards whose names escape me at this time.

Kakashi

Kakashi (2001)

Directed by Norio Tsuruta

Pretty girl looks for her brother who has become missing. She ends up in a cursed Japanese village which holds scarecrows in high regard. Here, the dead can be resurrected but only in scarecrow form, where they are pretty much the same, only evil. Girl must find brother before he becomes a scarecrow.

This village is probably near the fucked up town in Inugami. If you go to Japan, you'd probably be best advised to stay in the cities.

Pyrokinesis AKA Crossfire AKA Kurosufaia

Pyrokinesis (2000)

Directed by Shusuke Kaneko

Japanese version of Fire Starter, only way better. Another pretty Japanese girl (there are no ugly Japanese girls or if there are, they don't do anything worth making a movie for) is blessed/cursed with power to start fires with her mind. After a friend is killed in a snuff film, she unleashes her revenge pyrokinetically and combusts some ass.

Great scenes of human combustion. You'd swear somebody was killed filming this. The next time a Japanese girl puts her hand in her jacket and squints at you, get the hell out of the way. From the makers of the recent Godzilla movies in Japan. Recommended.

Tomie

Tomie (1999)

Directed by Ataru Oikawa

If The Ring was the Japanese 'Scream', then this is the Japanese 'Urban Legend'. Underrated flick features title character being continuously murdered then subsequently resurrected. Apparently, girl is so hot, she'll cause guys to kill each other, themselves and/or her. This has been happening over and over for hundreds of years. One really has to bring into question the Japanese ability to solve murders when you hear that. Wildy ambiguous ending!

Categories: crossfire, inugami, j-horror, kakashi, kurosufaia, pyrokinesis, tomie