The WTF List: Scream 4

Well it took me a year later and I finally watched the meta first master at work, Wes Craven. Yes folks, I watched Scream 4. I'm well aware that New Nightmare is the one of the ones that started it all and so I give the man his due. But clearly I'm in a Cabin in the Woods state of mind and having seen that beaut of a flick before Scream 4 has warped my tiny little horror mind.

Here's a few tweets I shelled out while watching.

@jadedviewer Watching scream 4. It's amazing there hasn't been product placement from Verizon claiming excellent 4g coverage in woodsboro

@jadedviewer Chromeskull should be asking for royalties from scream 4.

@jadedviewer The thing about scream 4 is even though the characters are knowledgeable of horror flks they still follow the conventions. It's meta to a pt

That last tweet sums up what I kinda thought. But here's a WTF List to add to it all.

1.) The intros were quite catchy I must admit. Though I love my bimbos blonde and perky
2.) I can't believe they brought back the originals....kudos.
3.)  I can honestly predict the killers in the first 15 min. I'm fuckin uncanny X-Men with a lame super power.
4.) I hope one day Emma Roberts does Pretty Woman 2
5.) Hayden Panettiere's mandatory wardrobe in any movie or TV show should be a cheerleader's outfit
6.) I guess I'm getting tired of the movie within a movie references...that or I'm old
7.) Have all the noobs seen the original trilogy?
8.) Clearly they are pointing out the fact the hatred of the American horror remake system. Oh Dimension, you are so fuckin guilty yourself
9.) Thank goodness for these films or Neve Campbell would be at the tent at Chiller Theatre in NJ
10.) The movie cop ineptness is a thankless job. It's hard to this stupid.
11.) This clearly had the best phone coverage of any horror movie I've ever seen. No dropped calls!
12.) They still have cinema clubs in high school?
13.) I'll admit, I've never seen Peeping Tom.
14.) The knife still looks fake (pun intended)
15.) The end monologue and motivation from the killer is daftly clever. It's scary in a way that makes you think.
16.) The victim fodder still do the most horror cliche-eey things. Alison Brie doesn't stay in her car? Call 911? Though her chest jiggling makes me happy
17.)  I'm thinking the Ghostface outfit isn't the most comfortable slasher uniform.
18.) I know millennials watch the horror classics I grew up watching and laugh at them.
19.) The horror trivia had me SMH.
20.) Scream 4 is part meta, part remake zingers

Scream 4 wasn't bad. I actually liked it and I had no doubt Craven/Williamson would make a film worthy of the name. It's a repackaged, re imagining of the original and it made me smile for it's witty self awareness. But all in all, it's a sequel and I've come to accept what this franchise is.

I always thought Billy's line was brilliant.

"...don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!"

 Actually, that's not the case anymore. It seems in Scream 4, it makes them copy the original.

Categories: 2011 horror movies, hollywood remake, horror remakes, meta horror movies, scream 4, wes craven

10 Hipsterish Things Some Horror Fans Say and Do

I wrote on my Facebook page:

Everybody should calm down and stop being elitist horror fans for a sec because you saw Battle Royale. How about the fans who READ the book? They're more hipster than the ppl who saw the movie. But they better not make a film about Ennis Preacher or I'm gonna bust heads....

Well don't I sound all fuckin hipserish right??? It got me thinking that we horror fans say and do some hipsterish things (sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't). Oh I do them too, don't get me wrong. But when you think of horror fans in their late 20s, early 30s and older there is a level between these age gaps that have them acting like the vile Williamsburg scum we all despise. We are all guilty. Girls, that dark eyeliner is horror hipster-nista. Dudes, that beard you're growing? Alpha hipster. Here are few of the things I notice. I'm gonna get shit from this I know. Fuck.

1.) Anything made in the 70s and 80s is a fuckin cult classic

Remember, millennials think Scream is a cult classic and that was made in the 90s.

2.) We tell noobs to see the originals before the remakes

Sure Hollywood bastardizes the originals but some of our "originals" are remakes too.

3.) We're too good to see a movie based on a bestseller because we saw a cult movie based on a cult best seller

What could I be talking about?

4.) We all wear ironic horror t-shirts with humorish text or 80s slasher nostalgia

Yup I own a few of these Fright Rags.

5.) We constantly refer to Cannibal Holocaust and Blair Witch Project as the best found footage flicks. Everything else sucks.

Many of you will disagree with this. I just want another cannibal movie.

6.) We rage when Hollywood skull fucks our childhood by remaking horror movies, yet we go en masse and see these shitty movies

How ironic right?

7.) We all have horror blogs

I just called myself a horror hipster douche bag. I'm a sonnavabitch.

8.) We tell noobs that we've seen obscure, foreign, hard to find, banned video nasty films.

Most of these are on Amazon.com.

9.) We also say the French, Japanese, Chinese, Canadian, British, German make the best horror flicks these days.

We don't watch any of these because we hate subtitles.

10.) We've all met Kane Hodder, Ken Foree and Tiffany Shepis at some horror convention.

And we've all made that our Facebook profile photo.

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Guilty as charged? What other shunning the mainstream things have horror fans done they may not be aware of? Now I'm going to watch Addio Zio Tom because you never heard of it.

Categories: cannibal holocaust, hipsters, hipsters dying, hollywood remake, horror blog, horror remakes, the blair witch project, the jaded viewer, tiffany shepis

The Best Elephants, DIY Indies and OMG! Movies of 2011

Before I post my top 10 horror movies (yes it's coming soon), I wanted to go over the other movies (yes I saw other non horror flicks) that I thought were super duper awesome this year. From the box office Hollywood juggernauts to the indie spectaculars, these stood out like no other (plus there the only ones I saw). There are also a few films you may have missed that will completely blow you away.

"Box Office Elephants"

1.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Best sci-fi/action flick of the year. Serkin made me care about ape-kind.

2.) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: I'm a big Potter fan (shhhh) so I liked how it all ended.

3.) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Rooney Mara gets all naked/grunty/scary in this remake of the Swedish bestseller. She drives a typical crime mystery into awesomeness.

"DIY Indie Spectaculars"

1.) Super: Not as good as Kick-Ass but fun nevertheless. Wilson and Page made an awesome crazy dynamic duo as normals become superheroes.

2.) Kaboom: Gregg Araki makes a comeback with a WTF film that will make you sexual uncomfortable as it will make you scratch your head...and your balls.

3.) Waldo the Dog: Best indie screener I received this year. Waldo the Dog will be unlike any other film you have ever seen. It's the equivalent of seeing a fancy car get wrecked, miraculously repaired and then totally wrecked again. As much as you'd like to look away you can't. It's just so mesmerizing to watch.

4.) A Foundling: A Foundling breaks the handcuffs of the conventional indie film. It's a serial Western with a twist and though follows such a simple story of 2 sisters reunited, it's even smart enough to comment on the world around them.

"The OMGs"

1.) Ninja Kids!!!: One of the best films of 2011 from Takashi Miike. Ninja Kids is like Spy Kids on acid. Think Harry Potter but with over the top ninjas and slapstick comedy. It's a cute Japanese family film with a Miike insanity mixed in. And it works from start to finish. It's super duper funny, has some dog poop humor and a ton of CGI madness that only Miike could think up. Based on a long running Japanese TV show called Rantaro the Ninja Boy, it's filled with humor that's international in the LOLs. It's got visual wackiness, self aware parodies and villains that are basically clowns with swords and ninja stars.

What you get is a family comedy that leaves you feeling freakin awesome after you leave the theater. Ninja Kids is heartwarming Japanese wackiness, the Miike way.

2.) BKO: Bangkok Knockout: BKO: Bangkok Knockout which is without a doubt, the best action movie of 2011. BKO is an orgy and ballet of violence set to a soundtrack. You won't know the names of the characters or care if the bad guys get their comeuppance. Seriously, it's not important.

As long as you were mesmerized by the punches, kicks, double kicks, double punches and the synchronized attacks, BKO has done it's job.

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What non horror movies did you think were the best of 2011? Let me know!

Categories: bangkok, comics, hollywood remake, independent cinema, indie film, indie horror, ninja kids, nyaff 2011

5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)

OK, maybe I shouldn't have said NEVER. Because knowing Hollywood, anything is possible if they think they can make a buck. Hell I was going to put Hitchcock's The Birds on this list but according to IMDB there is a remake on the way. Sigh.

I always assume Hollywood would never touch the horror classics to remake. And you'll see some are on this list. But here are 2 flicks that probably won't be remade either.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cannibal Holocaust

the jaded viewer says: No way Hollywood exploits this exploitation masterpiece. I mean its still offensive today as it was 1980. But then again, a remake of Faces of Death is on the way so I could be wrong.

Jaws

the jaded viewer says: I'm pretty sure Spielberg will never make a remake or allow a remake of his classic to ever appear on screen again. We can kinda make movies around a killer shark (ahem Shark Night 3D) or different killer fish (ahem Piranha 3D) but a whole remake with all the classic characters. Never gonna happen.

Here's the top 5.

5.) The Blair Witch Project

the jaded viewer says: Surely the classic 1st person/shaky cam/found footage originator is going to be remade at some point right? But like I say, I don't think Hollywood knows how to remake a movie where the characters are pseudo real people. You might think they'd just rewrite it a bit and show the scares we all saw in 1999. But part of the creativeness of BWP was the actors had no idea what would happen. Could Hollywood attempt to do this today? They could but it would probably turn into the campers tweeting their way into the woods.

4.) Freaks

the jaded viewer says: Just like Cannibal Holocaust, this would be waaaay offensive to remake in this day and age. Currently, Freaks is #23 on the best horror movies of all time on IMDB. Remember, real midgets and the like were cast and I'm assuming little people (I think that's what they want to be called) would absolutely freak out (see what I did there?) if this was remade. It's exploitation genius back in 1932 is now sadly a buried genre today. Hollywood knows this would be toxic, never ever to be remade.

3.) Suspiria

the jaded viewer says: Hollywood I don't think will ever remake Dario Argento's classic because well they don't have a clue about how to make Italian Giallo. And because Argento's Giallo totally went into a clusterfuck with the whole Adrien Brody thing, we'll probably never see any attempt at Hollywood to revitalize this genre. It's probably better this way as it's hard to imagine Argento allowing this to happen.

2.) The Exorcist

the jaded viewer says: Sure there have been prequels, but there has never been a mention of a whole remake of the classic. And Hollywood knows, if they fuck it up they would be totally screwed. But I don't doubt Hollywood wouldn't try it but it's hard to think they'd do it half ass. Attempting a remake would be so fuckin scary for Warner Bros. they know nothing and I mean nothing would change how we feel about the original. Every actor/actress cast, every production still, every little change to the story would be super analyzed in this Web 2.0 day and age.

Would you watch a remake of this classic? It might be the first one where viewers actually boycott a remake of a film. OK I'm probably going a bit overboard there.

1.) Brain Dead

the jaded viewer says: It's to be argued if Peter Jackson's Braindead is the penultimate zombie flick of all time. It's definitely top 5 zombie film of all time. And with zombies somehow still bankable in the Hollywood system, you would think one studio exec would be like "well we could remake Braindead. It's like on every top 10 zombie movie of all time list". It's amazing there hasn't been any rumor of this being remade.

And that's why it will probably be never remade. Because there is no possible way to remake Jackson's gore soaked classic without resorting to CGI stupidness. And if you're thinking that Jackson himself would remake his own classic (or even make a sequel) I think he's probably to big time to do it.

In any case, one of the greatest gore and splatter flicks will remain untouched from Hollywood's hands...and seriously that's a damn good thing.

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OK am I wrong with these picks? Which of these flicks do you think has a good chance of being remade? Any other flicks you think should be on this list?

Sound off jaded viewers.

Categories: brain dead, hollywood remake, horror remakes

Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

With all the horror remake hell that's invaded screens of late, who knows what the fuck Hollywood will remake in the near future. Remember, Hollywood DOES NOT come up with new ideas anymore. They are actually like the New York Yankees. They either do the following (or sometimes they do both):

1.) Remake an old, crappy, 80s horror movies (similar to the NYY buying old, has been players and overpaying them)

2.) Remake an independent, foreign or surprise film that has gained a cult following (similar to the NYY scavaging for players in the minor leagues)

It's sad but true. So after libraring thru the 80s horror movies of old, below are the Top 5 I think Hollywood would pick the rights up to and remake because they actually think these would be sellable and profitable movies to the millenials and Gen Y generation.

If I've Nostradumsed any of these, I'd like Hollywood to cut me my check.

On to the list!

Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

5.) Q The Winged Serpent

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Because after the success of Cloverfield, people want to see monsters attacking Manhattan

In Q, NYC is being terrorized by a giant lizard. A photographer is the only one who knows where Q's nest is.

I mean you could do this on a meager budget and shoot it POV style ala Cloverfield.

Millenials love monster movies and if there are teenagers running around being eaten you can bank on Hollywood trying to cash in.

The Trailer





4.) Night of the Creeps

Why Hollywood would remake this:

With the success of creepy crawlie and zombie movies, this combines both.

I mean the tagline reads: The good news is your date is here. The bad news is...he's dead.

This is ripe for Hollywood to exploit.

Teenagers, the prom, a small town, the inept cops and sluggy like creatures turning people into brainwashed zombies. This is a proven formula for success.

Throw in some jokes and you've got American Pie meets Slither.

Hollywood is probably salivating to remake this.

The Trailer





3.) Deadly Friend

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Well they are already remaking Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street. So why wouldn't they just rape his other movies too.

I mean this would have a nerd kid, a hot next door neighbor and a girl who becomes an unstoppable, killer robo-coppy killing machine.

The original starred Kristy Swanson as Samantha, the dead neighbor who comes back to life through microchip technology (Intel inside!)

They could easily turn this into a PG-13 borefest.

This movie had an awesome death scene by way of a basketball which you can check out here.

The Trailer






2.) Chopping Mall

Why Hollywood would remake this:

I don't think Hollywood would remake this. But then again they remade My Bloody FUCKIN Valentine so who the fuck knows anymore.

But if they can remake Dawn of the Dead, why can't they have 8 teenagers in a mall getting slaughtered by killer robot mall security??

I'm sure Hollywood can easily PG-13 this little turd and cast Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens to be dual final girls.

When Terminator Salvation puts the spark in killer AI and cyborgs, Hollywood will want to get the rights to any films where a machine goes on a murderous frenzy.

The Trailer






1.) Night of the Comet

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Valley Girls+Apocalypse = FUN and Ca Ching!

Take any pseudo reality stars and have them fight a horde of flesh eating zombies will inevitably give Hollyood the appetite to remake Night of the Comet.

It takes place in Los Angeles and it could have a bunch of Valley Girl, Clueless and Buffy-isms so we can all start talking..like...you know...like this...it would be totally...like cool.

And instead of the Native American guy, it could be Tyrese firing a gun.

This has all the elements of remake-hood. Sci fi, horror and comedy. Chances of this happening 3 to 1.
The Trailer





Other films they may infect:

The Howling
The Gate
Near Dark
CHUD
The Wraith

I'm so sick of the pillaging Hollywood has done to my horror movie childhood. I even sometimes get brainwashed and see the damn things. Friday the 13th, Halloween and even My Bloody Valentine.

So it wouldn't surprise me if any of the movies on this list were remade.

Did I miss any others that you think should be on this list? Let me know.




Tags:
Top 5 80s Horror Movies, night of the comet , american horror , night of the creeps, horror remake, hollywood remake, deadly friend, 80s horror,

Categories: 80's horror, chopping mall, deadly friend, hollywood remake, horror remakes, q the winged serpent, Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

Death Note (Trailer)

The good ole Japanese film industry keeps churning out some really, good interesting creative horror. And when you think we've stop stealing from them, Hollywood is ready with their checkbook.

The next movie in line for a horror remake is Death Note.

Plot-o-matic:

A battle between the world's 2 greatest minds begins when Light Yagami finds the Death Note, a notebook with the power to kill, and decides to rid the world of criminals.

The original Japanese trailer is below (with English subs!)



Tags:
death note, desu noto , death note trailer , japanese horror, hollywood horror remake, light yagami, top horror movies of 2008, bloody violence

Categories: death note, hollywood remake, j-horror, japanese horror, manga