T.M.A. aka Darkness (Review)

T.M.A. (The Missing Address) aka Darkness

T.M.A. (The Missing Address) aka Darkness (2009)

Directed by Juraj Herz

What the hell is this?

I'm not sure what I watched but I have to say it wasn't good. I haven't watched many Czech horror films...actually I haven't watched any as far as I can recall but when Darkness was dropped into my lap courtesy of Breaking Glass Pictures, I figured Id get get an education on what Czech films we're all about.

I think this was a lesson I could have done without.

Darkness aka T.M.A is a cliched ridden haunted house story full of so many multiple plots that I had no idea what was going on. Well I think it was a haunted house/poltergeist story. At times Darkness turned into a locals have a secret flick than a Nazi atrocities movie. Who knows?

I had to watch this over the course of 3 days as I was getting bored every 20 minutes. That's how irritating this film was. I mean seriously, the film had one death in the entire thing. ONE!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Weary of his rock-and-roll lifestyle as a successful musician, Marek takes time off to live in the country home of his childhood so he can pursue his hobby of painting. Unfortunately, the old, forgotten manor offers anything but peace and quiet. Haunted by strange noises and vivid childhood memories, Marek soon senses hes living in the midst of a dark presence.

With the help of Lucia, a sweet girl from the nearby town, Marek embarks on a journey to unearth the houses sordid past and historic ties to the Nazi occupation. As he delves deeper into the houses secrets, Marek finds himself wondering whether the ghostly occurrences are a product of the house or his own troubled sub-conscious.

Thanks to expert storytelling and a gorgeous, brooding aesthetic Darkness pulls the audience into a riveting mystery that shakes a layer of dust off the classic ghost story genre.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I'm not sure how I can even explain the plot here. Marek a musician/painter heads to his childhood home to paint. But his childhood home is chock full of evil lore. Soon weird shit happens and we get a full on cliche-o-rama which includes:

• Secluded house in the middle of nowhere
• Angry, suspicious locals
• Mysterious light flickering
• Mysterious children singing
• Mysterious nightmare dreaming
• The local who befriends the stranger
• Gratuitous sex scene
• Retarded kids
• Nazis atrocities?!?!
• Flashbacks to fill in the gaps
• Gratuitous leg amputation
• Ocular trauma
  
• One death
• Abrupt ending

See? Mucho cliches. Darkness has some eerie scenes (but nothing I'm writing Blood Disgusting about) but it's mostly full of scenes involving Marek trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I don't know what passes as a horror film in the Czech Republic, but I'm not going to find out.

Many countries take the ghost story seriously and put it into their films. In the case of Darkness, its a blend of sibling drama and ghosts of retarded kids....oops I mean mentally challenged Nazis....err I mean retarded kids who tortured Nazis. Forget it, it doesn't matter. Sure there's some boobage and a few gore scenes interspersed throughout but that's like seeing a side boob in a porn movie. Did that even make sense? No? Just like this movie.

So what did I learn from my first ever Czech horror movie?

Nazis are evil in every country.

Nude-ipedia

Some full frontal European chubby babes
Skinemax sex scene


Gore-ipedia

Leg amputation
Ocular trauma

WTF moment

I have to admit, the lullaby the dead children kept singing got stuck in my head...."Augustin Augustin...." Dammit!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

For more information, you can head over to Breaking Glass Pictures. The movie gets released on DVD on September 7th. Breaking Glass Pictures has been bringing American indies as well as international indie flicks to American audiences. Sometimes they bring awesomeness like Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! Other times, we get vampire lesbians.

Hopefully another gem gets dropped in my lap the next time.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

The Shortround: Enter the Dark (Review)

Enter the Dark

Enter the Dark (2010)

Directed by Todd Miro

My one success story that I brought to the horror blogosphere was getting some buzz and attention for Alex Horwitz's short Alice Jacobs is Dead.

Shorts are the quickest way to get an indie filmmaker's talent some buzz and with Enter the Dark, Todd Miro (who was the producer and editor for Elisabeth Fies' cult-thriller The Commune) does just that.

So does this Paranormal Activity lite short reinvent the ghost haunted house genre and take it into new territory?

My quick hit answer is "ehhh not really but sorta." It's a quick 18 min and some of the interactions between our main characters Rob and Charles are funny and slightly suspenseful. It's slickly produced, some of the scenes are new and inventive and put a chill down my spine. But here's the thing. If say they did this a few years ago, I'd be glowing about Enter the Dark but Paranormal Activity single handily rebooted the POV/shaky cam haunted house genre and unfortunately now all other films in this genre have to be compared to it.

That's not to say Enter the Dark didn't do things to scare the bejesus out of me.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Enter The Dark is a short film that takes you into the dark recesses of a haunted house and the even darker fathoms of the human soul. Although it may seem similar to Paranormal Activity and Blair Witch Project, its sensibilities are really rooted in films like The Haunting, Poltergeist and especially The Exorcist, Alien, and The Shining.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I'd have to say the best parts of the short are the very Rated R conversations between Rob (Rob Sandusky) and Charles (Charles Yoakum). Some of the light hearted conversation is hilarious and had me LOL-ing. The short forces you to get all chummy with these buddies but soon it's Mulder and Scully time as Charles has an X-File he needs help with.

His house is haunted and he tries to make Rob believe this is such. His initial evidence? A strange video recording. This leads to a walk around the house with a video camera POV (the film also is shot regularly which should relieve the nauseous viewer). Soon our duo are hearing voices, feeling cold spots and in one stellar scene communicate with the ghost via a children's audio book This scene works beautifully and I admit I got a little freaked out.

Check out the scene here:

Enter The Dark scene 4 preview from Todd Miro on Vimeo.

However, we also get our standard cliches in the mix. A locked door, some toy stacking and some written mirror messages (thank the movie gods Miro didn't put in a mirror scare). It's all your standard stuff that have seen before. My hope was that though this was in the same vain as PA, it would try to do things slightly differently to scare us. Basically, the scare factors here in Enter the Dark hit average, a baseball average of .333.

My only other gripe was the acting and dialogue. It's not bad bad but there seemed to be some over explaining. A rule in filmmaking is to never talk about what you're doing and at times this is what happens. Also the performances are adequate yet both Rob and Charles don't seem frightened by something very frightening. The charm is Rob is Scully-ing as far as he can go even though the evidence that's stacked in front of him is overwhelming.

My final issue is with the ending which employs an interesting twist. The ending shows a little too much visually and I'd hope we wouldn't actually "see" what the audience is dying to see. I may be nitpicking but that's the point of an effective ghost story is to let your imagination make up the monster in your head.

The film is very well produced and shot. The fact it was shot in Todd Miro's actual house (much to his wife's displeasure) gives it such an authentic quality that can't be duplicated. A fast 35mm lenses and a Sony HD infra-red camcorder were used and you can tell by the quality of the visuals. It's edited nicely so the long suspenseful build shots are drawn to a nicely edited switching between the 2 POVs.

Enter the Dark is an effective short in this post Paranormal Activity age. There are always new ways to amp up the scare quotient and Todd Miro and his crew do this effectively. I just needed to see more and by more I mean scenes that were creatively scary. There's some good stuff to make a feature and this genre is definitely prime to get some new blood in it.

Hopefully, Todd Miro is the man to do it.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Negative Zero

WTF moment

The ghost talks via book (hell it could have been a Kindle)
The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So where can you see this short? The film will be screening at the Chicago Horror Film Festival on Sunday, Sept. 26th. It's also been submitted to various other festivals including Screamfest and Slamdance.

Check out the official site for more information and also check out Todd Miro's blog Into the Abyss. Also you can check out the opening scene on Vimeo

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Enter The Dark Trailer from Todd Miro on Vimeo.

Brainjacked (Review)

Brainjacked

Brainjacked (2009)

Directed by Andrew Allan

The tagline for Brainjacked is:

Drill the Brain, Command the Mind, Control the World

Well isn't that overly ambitious? But ambition and effort go a long way in this independent sci-fi gorefest. The production value is at the max and I appreciated the effort of such a project.

Andrew Allan's first feature length film is jampacked with holes in the brain, mind control, cult escapees and full figured nudity. You would think a formula like that would automatically warrant awesomeness. But you'd be wrong.

Brainjacked isn't terrible but it isn't uber awesome. It's a solid 90 minutes of indie horror fun but riddled with story, acting and pacing issues. But aside from that it's got a mad doctor drilling holes in people's heads. Yay.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Sinister and stylish, Brainjacked tells the tale of Tristan Davis [Chris Jackson], a teenage runaway lured by the enchanting and beautiful Laney [Somali Rose] into a secret underworlde ruled by a psychotic nerosurgeon [Rod Grant]. The doctor's deadly prescription:Trepanation, the very real and gruesome practice of drilling bloddy hole's in one's head for mental relief and enhancement. Suffering from head-grinding migraines, Tristan submits to the doctor's drill. But surgery unlocks more than just Tristan's mental powers. It opens a dark realm of terror... Packed with sexy sirens, mutated abominations, and an army of murderous, mind-controlled teenage slaves.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's not everyday you can pack a shitload of gore and nudity and not get a high rating from the jaded viewer. But in the case of Brainjacked I have to say I was completely jaded. I've seen stellar boobs and I've seen generic gore. The movie has both but the story which from the onset seemed interesting went downhill during the course of the movie.

Tristan, our teenage runaway has a shitty life. Suffering from headaches and a family which he explains"My father killed himself, my stepfather’s a son of a bitch, and my mother’s his gang-bang party favor. I’ve got nowhere else to go." He's meets Laney (a super hot blonde) who takes him to meet Dr. Karas, who claims he can cure his headaches. Seems the good doctor takes in runaways and performs trepanation (which is just a fancy way of saying he drills holes in people's heads).

All is good until the blinks (aka blackouts) begin and soon Tristan realizes all is not what it seems. The doc seems to using his procedure for mind control and he's pretty much brianjacked most of St. Petersberg, Florida. With the help of a gang of rebels, his new GF Tristan tries to stop the doc from controlling the world.

It's not as cool as it sounds.

Brainjack follows the conventional formulas of a "destroy the cult" movie but with a sci-fi twist. It's got elements of Videodrome, Body Snatchers and every other cult movie you've ever seen. If the movie had not strayed from being a evil cult flick and not turned into a zombie/bad rock em sock em action, it probably would have worked.

The acting is a little cheesy though Chris Jackson as Tristan and Somali Rose as Laney do their best as the coupling that tries to save the world. Rod Grant's doc was very cardboardy and his dialogue in particular sounded robotic.

How do you make up for this? Add boobs! Our Nude-ipedia has tons of full frontal and even a Skinemax-ish love scene. You would think a indie sci-fi schlock movie like this would have fat women getting naked but the women are fuckin hot and I appreciated the effort of getting top notch babes to show some flesh.

The Gore-ipedia is solid with some no cutaway drilling brain closeups. It's definitely non CGI kind and we get the blood deep red. The final gore scene is pretty gruesome and gave me a happy. You only get this good splatter from the indie horror filmmaker and Brainjacked is maxed up on the gore meter.

So should you watch this movie or drill a hole in your brain? It's worth a watch as a scifi-horror fan. The indie spirit is there to make you happy and it's loaded with tons of stuff you'll enjoy. Hot looking women, ample amounts of gore and an interesting concept. If you can forgive the cheesy acting and the uneven first and second halves of the movie, it won't give you a headache.

And if you do get one, just take some aspirin instead of drilling a hole in your head. I think that's good advice.

WTF moment

The ending and than the ending after the ending (watch for a scene after the credits)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Brainjacked is being released on DVD on August 31st via Breaking Glass Pictures. The DVD will have these features:

• Commentary with the Director Andrew Allan and Producer Andy Lalino
• Commentary with Director of Photography Wes Pratt, Sound Designer & Composer Eddie "Enotide" Sturgeon, and Director Andrew Allan
• Commentary with Actor Rod Grant, Special FX Artists Marcus Koch, andindie horror funny man Shelby Mcintyre
• Behind the scenes featurette
• Brainjacked location tour
• Spaventare [Bonus Short Film]
• Trailers

Also check out Unearthed Films as well as Film Ranch International (the official site) for more info.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Tales of Woe (Book Review and Interview with John Reed)

Sometimes being a blogger has its perks. Curiously, I was offered a chance to read a book that grabbed my attention the moment I read the description.

True stories of totally undeserved suffering. Spectacularly depressing. Nobody gets their just desserts.

Crushing defeats.

No happy endings.

Abject misery.

Pointless, endless grief.

Sin, suffering, redemption. That’s the movie, that’s the front page news, that’s the story of popular culture—of American culture. A ray of hope. A comeuppance. An all-for-the-best. Makes it easier to deal with the world’s suffering—to know that there’s a reason behind it, that it’ll always work out in the end, that people get what they deserve.

The fact: sometimes people suffer for no reason. No sin, no redemption—just suffering, suffering, suffering.

Tales of Woe compiles today’s most awful narratives of human wretchedness. This is not Hollywood catharsis (someone overcomes something and the viewer is uplifted), this is Greek Catharsis: you watch people suffer horribly, and then feel better about your own life. Tales of Woe tells stories of murder, accident, depravity, cruelty, and senseless unhappiness: and all true.

The Jaded Viewer says: What John Reed has compiled is pure punch in your stomach agony yet it's oddly mesmerizing to read. What you have is a mish mash of human suffering with no happy endings. The book emphasizes even in the description that these stories have no redemptions and feel goody outcomes yet as I read, my empathy gene was constantly triggered hoping that somehow, someway after each gut wrenching story this would be the one that goes all Cinderella.

But that only happens in Hollywood.

As a writer myself, I've written things that were in the realm of depressing hoping the reader realizes it's how real life plays out. The fact that all these stories are true makes it a million times harder to think that this ACTUALLY happened to these people.

Similar to documentaries, the book plays out the facts and intertwines them with a narrative that cleverly gets you to turn the pages with anticipation. The art is Dali meets graffiti and it plays out like visual candy. No holds barred gore and nudity to get images stuck in your head for days.

But it's the stories that get stuck in your head and force you to Google this real life horror. Animal death, grotesque death scenes, absurd sexual fetishes, human trafficking and infant death are just a few of the stories that line Tales of Woe.

The ones that got me utterly shocked was the tale of "The Crime Scene Centerfold" which delved into a car accident and the infamous photos that circulated across the interwebs. Another was of "Momma's Little Angel" detailing the plight of 2 year old home alone.

It's lasting sadness and your first instinct is to scream "these are pointless deaths!" Tales of Woe never let's you off the hook, makes you dig further into these stories and does exactly what it set out to do.

Make you feel better about your own life.

And after reading Tales of Woe, I actually do.

I also got a chance to interview John Reed. The Q&A is a look into the inception of the book, how the art came to be and even what was edited out for being too sick. Check out the entire interview below.

1.) How did you come up with the concept for the book?

Well, you know, environmental factors, and probably a genetic disposition. I was sitting around with Jacob Hoye (my editor) at this fancy restaurant, just praying I wouldn't have to pay for any of the food and trying to pitch ideas as quickly as possible, and when I talked about "true stories that just got worse," he perked up and said, "now that's a book."

I like to think it was entirely the idea, but the pitch happened to coincide with the arrival of a giant plate of baked garlic, which Jacob had been eagerly anticipating. Young writers always get this thing told to them: "the fate of your book may be decided based on what that editor had for lunch."

Make sure to let your editor chose the spot.

2.) Which was the most interesting story from the book to you?

Interesting? Not sick or depressing? Hmm. The three most interesting are Cyco, Bee to the Honeyslut, and Crime Scene Centerfold. In the first, a man was placed on a sex-offender list for having sex with his bicycle. In the second, an alleged MILF seduction caught the participants up in a national scandal. In the third, a series of accident scene photos were half-intentionally released by one or more police officials; the incredibly grotesque photos of a mutilated young woman became, and remain, a top internet search.

What's so interesting to me about these stories is the viewer participation. Without the popular curiosity, without us, these stories, and certainly the first two, aren't that bad. And the third story: the death of a young woman in a car wreck is terrible, but her abuse after the fact, which was totally gratuitous, is the part that makes me feel like throwing up.

3.) How long did it take for you to research this? Were there any stories you didn't publish?

It took longer than it should have, because I looked for 50 stories. It turned out that the stories were so awful they were about twice as long as we'd expected. I'd say two to three months just finding the stories—that's not including the research that followed.

Yes, there were three stories that didn't make the cut. One was just not quite there, missing something. The second was a great story, but a long animal story, and we already had a number of animal stories, including one that was quite long. The third—we swore we wouldn't self censor but we did—was just too sick. Gang rape, woman forced to blow her son, and worse from there. We couldn't do it.

4.) How did the art come about?

I looked at over 3000 artists—comic conventions, anthologies and online. I worked with Jacob in the final selections. I usually knew what I wanted, had ideas. I give all the credit in the world to 8Pussy, my hero, but I will gloatingly take credit for Sarah Palin in a Sharon Stone Basic Instinct pose. The Pop Gun illustration, by Kiki Jones, was after my compositional notion to work off Caravaggio's The Entombment of Christ—but Kiki made some major adjustments that made the reference workable. There were other times, and I think of Ralph Niese's Art Attack, that I said do what you want. Of course, he did that one three times before we were happy.

5.) What are you hoping readers come away after reading the book?

Pre-publication, in planning what I would say in my own defense, I kept thinking to cite Greek Catharsis, that you'd read about these horrible things, and then feel better about your own life. That did happen to me, but the assumption that it would happen to anyone else—well, it seemed like a pipe dream. Only a fool would jump and down saying, "I was right! I was right!" but I guess that's what I'm going to do. People are telling me they feel better about their not-so-fucked up lives.

A journalist friend recently emailed me with her take on Tales of Woe. "Do you know what the first Noble Truth of the four Noble Truths of Buddhism is?" she asked.

I looked it up.

"Life is suffering."

The book is available via Amazon.com. For more information, check out the official site and John Reed's site.

Phil Messerer's Underbelly Blues needs YOUR support

You've all probably noticed that within the indie filmmaking community, the fund creativity site KickStarter has been gaining big exposure. It's a great idea: help fund artists and filmmakers with their ideas and movies and get credit. Depending on the pledge amount, you can get some interesting exposure for yourself such as pledging a grand gets you a date with one of the stars (pending a psych evaluation)

Philip Messerer has done just that. His breakthrough film: Thicker than Water (review here) was a revelation of vampire ingenuity warranting 3 spinkicks from yours truly. So Mr. Messerer dropped me a line that his new film is a bit if a turn...he's going pulp!

More than that he's flipped the casting upside down. Via the KickStarter site:

Rather than casting actors for parts, the director gathered 26 underground comic virtuosos and asked them to create their own characters (one for each letter of the alphabet). For the next two months the actors / comedians lent their characters to weekly improv sessions which were then turned into a feature length screenplay.

So what's this film all about?

The plot of Underbelly Blues follows a mysterious briefcase as it exchanges hands amongst the colorful denizens of the underworld. These include a corrupt cop, a sleazy strip club owner, a pair of lesbian strippers, an ex-military gun-for-hire who suffers from O.C.D. and has a penchant for creative torture, a Jewish pawnshop owner and his dominatrix mother, a British sophisticate who cooks crystal meth, a pair of surfer pot dealers, a legally blind albino gangster, a 7 foot tall, 400 lb neo-nazi, a sexual deviant redneck, a wild-eyed Mexican named Take It Easy, and a brilliant 'brain' called The Architect.

All of these characters are connected through a series of bizarre coincidences which inevitably lead to the downfall of corporate America as the rivalry between two soft drink companies goes out of control.

Well I gotta admit, this sounds damn fun right? Well let's all get it off the ground.

Here are some ways to support this project.

• The official site
• The KickStarter Page (Help support the movie!)

The best way to see what this is all about is via the video below. These improv rehearsals help to get what it's all about. If you want to see originality, it'll come from jaded viewers like yourself. Check out the video below and get the word out.

A Jaded Viewer Pictogram: The National Museum of Funeral History

I'm back! Did you all miss me? Please say yes and I will give you some bacon. OK, I'm all out of bacon so instead my gift to you all is a pictogram of one of the most absurd yet intriguing places I visited while I was roadtripping through Texas.

According to Buzzfeed, the National Museum of Funeral History is the #1 Most Unnecessary Museum. It may be unnecessary but it was oddly mesmerizing. The pictures will tell the story but first a little back story.

Insano Steve and I are baseball fanatics. And we decided for our possible final "Baseballpalooza" (this version is #10) we'd go to Texas visiting Dallas/Fort Worth, Austin and Houston. Texas to us is the frontier and we knew we had to brave the sweltering heat to check off 2 more stadiums off our list. In doing so, I totally missed a tweet from CTK @ Planet of Terror, my online bizarro counterpart in Dallas for a meetup. (Next time dude!) Also, seems the site has a few fans from Texas and if I had time to down a beer with all of you I would have.

How did I find this museum? Various sites of weirdness but Trip Advisor guided the way. If there was one thing I could share that was remotely horror-ish, it had to be this museum. It's in North Houston oddly in the middle of nowhere suburbia. After entering, I gleamed we were not the only curious folks but a mass funeral had taken place...but upon closer inspection it was a bunch of old people who seemed like corpses.

Who in God's name would visit such a morbid, depressing and creepy place?

Answer: Nobody!

Yup, Insano Steve and I were one of maybe 5 people at the museum (oddly there were 2 hot girls who must have thought this was the way to the mall). You're not getting a tourist-y NASA crowd here. It was old people and probably a few mentally ill patients. If this museum isn't the definition of what weird America is all about, I don't know what is.

So here you go, some pictures of this offbeat curiosity of a museum. I think it's best enjoyed when you're fully alive.

The picture above is of a "money coffin". I think it was Scrooge McDuck's.

A Houston Police officer gets lots of shiny things when they don't make it.

Inside a Japanese hearse. It's like the Yakuza of hearses.

Snow White's glass coffin. Sometimes a kiss doesn't cure shit.

An embalming table. Somebody had to invent this so we wouldn't see decomposing bodies during a funeral.

The Egyptians were the first funeral experts. Their mummy's would be proud (c'mon that was freakin funny!)

This coffin had an interesting story. In the early 1920s, a couple lost their child. So distraught by their loss, the parents contemplated a murder/suicide and asked a funeral director to build a coffin large enough to fit a father, mother and child. Oddly, they changed their minds at the last minute and did not go through with this insane idea. Later, after the father had past, the mother asked for a full refund from the funeral director.

[which begs the question, why didn't the funeral director notify the police of a pending murder/suicide??!?! I think in the 1920's everybody was totally drunk from bootlegged liquor]

Who wants to be buried in a boring, Walmart-ish like coffin? How about being buried in a boat coffin? A cow coffin? or even a crab coffin!

They had a special exhibit on the Pope and papal burial procedures. Fun Fact Time! The Pope gets buried in a coffin inside another coffin inside another coffin! Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

And finally............

Al Lewis aka Grandpa Munster's funeral program. Gotta love Grandpa.

Those are just some of the pictures I took at this most peculiar museum. They had copies of death certificates of the stars, a few hearses from the 1800s and from all over the world. They also had funeral practices in regards to the President as well as some odd coffins donated all across America.

It really seems totally unnecessary until you go see these exhibits and are amazed of the art and bizarreness of our death rituals. What can you say about this? I realized it's better to see a coffin from the outside rather than the inside. You kinda get more out of it..y'know?

The museum was $10 and is located at 415 Barren Springs Drive in Houston, TX. For more info, go here.

Here's a glimpse from the inside (video not by me)

the jaded viewer heads to Texas to meet his long lost cannibal family!

The Jaded Viewer will be on hiatus starting today and all of next week as I go on vacation. Where you might ask? That big blob of a state called Texas. I'll be visiting my long last family who have a chainsaw fetish. Uncle Leatherface is always fun to hang out with. He loves scaring oversexed teens and killing the disabled. I'll be road tripping across this great state, downing beers, eating cow and watching baseball.

As always, I'll be mindlessly tweeting my thoughts on anything that seems remotely curious. If you live in Texas, say hi. I'll be the goofy looking tourist guy who will be staring at over sized cowboy hats.

You can follow me on Twitter @ jadedviewer to read about all the fun.

• While I'm gone, I implore you to keep the FIRST EVER Horror Blogosphere "Choose Your Own Adventure: The Detention Dungeon" going. Read my original story, pick your choice and head over to horror blog to continue the story. Then you can write a continuation of the choice you want! Trust me, it'll be awesome.
  

See you when I get back!

Gratuitous Explosions vs Gratuitous Nudity: Are they the same?

With The Expendables coming out this week (see my Machete vs The Expendables comparison here), we are going to get a solid case of action porn with Stallone's alpha male awesomeness. This got me thinking that as a red blooded American male who grew up watching Van Damme spinkicks, Arnold slaughtering the entire Val Verde army, Bruce smokin Hans and his crew and Stallone saving most of southeast Asia, the action movie is pure male bravado porn.

Explosions, gun battles and mano y mano fistfights are what we crave. But do we get the same feeling seeing this mass slaughter as we do seeing boobs? Of course it's a little different seeing flesh than flesh ripped to shreds. But what would you rather see?

Would you rather seeing a cool single bullet gas tank explosion or a quick glimpse of a model turned actress in the buff?

When we see an explosion, it lasts about 3-5 seconds, pretty much the equivalent of seeing a pair of boobs flash onscreen. So I ask, are explosions as gratuitous as nudity?

Of course we realize seeing nudity on screen is highly gratuitous, but is seeing an exploding car really needed as well? What does it really add to a movie? A big flaming fiery red ball of smoke has been seen countless times yet we're still pounded with Michael Bay explosions time after time. Is this not the same as seeing a pair of boobs from waitresses turned actresses?

Hell if I can tell you which I prefer more. I'm as jaded as they come and both make no difference to me when I watch a film. I usually say the same thing when I see either an explosion or boobs:

"Whoa, that was cool"

So now I ask your 2 cents. Are you desensitized when you see a building explode as you are seeing some C cups?

Because when you see The Expendables on Friday, your gonna see some serious shit exploding. And no doubt it's going to be fuckin awesome. But if you replaced that RPG hitting a tank with a set of mega breasts, would there be a difference?

Incest Death Squad 2 (Review)

Incest Death Squad 2

Incest Death Squad 2 (2010)

Directed by Cory Udler

I received my first credit in a movie. Nope, its not the massive credit sequence from the Paranormal Activity DVD, but from Cory Udler who gave jadedviewer.com a "Special Thanks".

After I posted my review, Cory and I talked a little more about the original movie. I gave him an honest critique hoping to bridge the gap between filmmaker and blogger/fan. He was very responsive to what I had to say and to actually have a director listening to a fan of the genre I promote and love, was to say the least very cool.

Suffice it to say, what I wanted from Incest Death Squad 2 was simple. I wanted it go over the edge plain and simple. More incest, more death and more squad. After watching IDS2, it does just that. Where its predecessor seemed to be a Troma clone, IDS2 stands on its own and glorifies all that is wonderful when you get extreemy in the exploitation genre.

Gone is the funny, visual ha ha's. We've slowly transitioned into hardcore shit here. IDS2 slaps you harder than a dominatrix on LSD. Your going to get your fill of God, gratuitous nudity, whore encounters and blood and guts. It's a movie the entire family will love!

My original quote after watching the trailer of IDS1 was this: "Are you going to hell if you see this movie? Probably so."

Udler's sequel finally makes that seem 100% true.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Jeb and Amber Wayne embark on a murderous road trip as they hunt for the man that witnessed their gruesome ministry.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Incest Death Squad 2 is a true sequel. You really need to have watched Part 1 in order to understand what's the what. What I've come to realize is though IDS2 continues the story of Jeb and Amber and Aaron and Andrea, both the original and sequel really need to be watched back to back. The original ended on a semi-cliffhanger and IDS2 continues a month later. If watched consecutively one right after another, this makes it feel like a more completed feature length movie. This is the true Incest Death Squad film.

In any case, let's break down the squad.

More Incest (and various degrees of fuckedupness)

The first movie hinted at the big "I". But here, Udler releases the hounds and goes nuts (even literally as we get to see Jeb's full frontal). Sexual depravity is on display here with Jeb and Amber and we get to see it in all it's incestuous glory. If only Udler had James Cameron's cameras, we could have seen this in 3D. Oh well some dreams will have to stay dreams.

The story continues as our Ambiguous Incest Duo still feel the need to do God's work (you know killing tourists) but Amber has unfinished business with Aaron (our intrepid reporter). Seems his "seed" has been planted and Amber's got to go all Maury on him and relay the paternal news. This leads to a road trip to Milwaukee.

Meanwhile, our functional couple Aaron and Andrea seemed to be living the normal life. But not everything is at it seems. Both have secrets with Aaron's being more fucked up than Andrea's. Let's just say one the parts of my trio of fuckedupness gets hit (read about it in my original review of IDS1) thanks to Aaron.

Like I said, more incest, more fuckedupness, even more rape. Yes folks, more rape. It's handled a little avante gardy slo-mo which was a little weird. Sorta like softcore in a hardcore movie. However, everything in IDS2 raises the bar to make you feel uncomfortable. As the jaded viewer, I'm too jaded to feel anything. But if you live on the Bible belt, you're fuckin screwed.

More Death (and various degrees of nudity)

Jeb and Amber continue their murderous ways and we get our solid quotient of blood and gore. A good Samaritan gets whooped and Jeb disposes of a vocal whore. It's not until we get to the end do we see some blood splatter walls. But more than the death is the nudity which was absent from Part 1. Various pairs of boobage are flaunted and taunted. You just can't go wrong with gratuitous nudity. Somehow it's like CGI explosions. It makes you feel happy.

More Squad (and various degrees of WTF)

As our iDuo threaten our now dysfunctional couple, Andrea hires her cousin Brent to protect her. It's a flash of mischief from Brent who goes toe to toe with our iDuo. Brent seems to be out of place here, as he was written for comic relief or to be the asshole of our movie.

The performances by everybody here are more solid than the original. Greg Johnson plays Jeb as a very overarching father figure, his sister his only concern. Carmela Wiese's Amber is full of vixen vixing as she seduces tourists. She also has a full emotional arc after being raped. Melissa Jo Murphy does her best overreacting intentionally melodramatic performance as Andrea when all the secrets are discovered.

But I have to say Tom Lodewyck steals the show as Aaron. His progression from Part 1 to Part 2 is evolution of insanity at its best. It just seemed he got the best lines, got the best material and his speech at the end is hilariously evil.

At 70 or so minutes, it packs alot in. Still some parts of the movie feel forced and yawn-ish at times. Conversations sound a little telepromptor-ish and when Andrea gets a phone call from our duo who are on their way to HER house, your first instinct is to run the fuck away from the house as far as possible. Andrea does not do this. Logic problems should be ignored but sometimes they can't.

I'd even say they should have focused more on the Wayne's. They are the heart of the movie and their relationship is the core. But their dialogue is cluttered with religious hyperbole and lacks that sibling feel. However, it finally gets that towards the end.

The sequel has been more tightly edited, shot and produced than the original. It feels more rounded and that shows the evolving work from Udler. Udler's vision of religion, death and a duo of fuckedupness has made a cult classic in the making. But the sequel is only the second half of this. Like a 2 robot lion Voltron, they have to be connected. That's the full Incest Death Squad.

And if you watched it, that's how you go to hell.

Gore-ipedia

Sliced Throats
Blood splattered walls

Nude-ipedia

Lesbian boobage
Whore boobage

WTF moment

Amber makes a deposit in the tiolet and shows it off

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So how do you get to see Incest Death Squad 2? Glad you asked. On September 17th 2010, you can get to see it for FREE. Yes fellow jaded viewers, you can see it for FREE at HorrorSociety.com. Go here for more information.

IDS2 is a worthy successor to the original. Everything is amped up and jacked to the extreme. I don't want to take any credit away from Cory Udler, but I think my input helped in getting this movie way over the edge. So you can thank the jaded viewer for this masterpiece of horror exploitation sleaze.

Head over to the official Facebook site and the official site for more info. You can also follow Cory Udler on Twitter @ IDS2

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Choose Your Own Horror-venture: The Detention Dungeon CONTINUES...

Thanks to the following awesome bloggers who've already participated in keeping this first ever Choose Your Own Horror-venture going. So far, all 3 choices have been continued by:

• Ryne @ The Moon is a Dead World who continued the story in the GYM.
• Simon @ Four of Them who continued the story in the CAFETERIA.
• Geof @ Enter The Man Cave who continued in the BIOLOGY LAB.

Now here is where the rest of you come in. Read the opening story by heading to my original post located here: The Detention Dungeon!

Pick where you want to continue the story. Once you've made your choice, there should now be 2 or 3 more choices to choose from. Pick the one you want to write about and continue the story! It's that simple. A caveman could do it. [insert ticked off GEICO caveman here]

If you want to write up multiple continuations, feel free to do so. If you want to continue on the original choices I gave, you can do that to but the best case scenario is to contribute your story from one of the blogs above. We can keep this going all over the blogosphere.

If you don't have a blog and want to use your Facebook Notes page, I think we can allow that as well. Hell, if you want to put your story up on a message board or a Tumblr page, go for it! Let's get this viral out into the interwebs and take it as far as it can go.

I want to see what the horror and movie blogosphere can come up with.

Thanks to Brandon @ Big Daddy Horror Reviews to help get the word out on this experiment.

Now get choosy!

The Forgotten Cult Classics of Cannon Films

One of my favorite MST3K episodes was when they riffed on Alien from LA starring Kathy Ireland. I recently watched this episode on YouTube and it still freakin hilarious. So one thing led to another and I realized this movie was produced by Cannon Films, a now dedunct film company. So doing a bit of research I realized Cannon Films produced a lot of my favorite movies from the 80s and 90s. Such classics like Bloodsport, Masters of the Universe, Cyborg, The Barbarians, the American Ninja series, Cobra and Over the Top.

So what else did they produce? I'm glad you asked. There are quite a few laughers and rock em sock em awesomeness in their collection and I figured I'd pick a few to showcase. To get you ready, here's a seductive picture of Kathy Ireland in her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue days.

Feeling good? OK let's check out some good schlock and goofiness from some awesome movies courtesy of Cannon Films. First up Alien from LA starring squeaky voice Kathy Ireland.





Oh those center of the world hijinks. Gotta love em. Up next, is Hollywood making a comedy out of nuclear war fear...it's America 3000!





What's a better segway from post apocalyptic 80s hair? Christina Lindberg of course. Here is Maid in Sweden. A young girl's story as she searches for the man of her dreams in Stockholm by sleeping with every man in Stockholm.





How do I top a naked Christina Lindberg? With Captain America of course. You knew this was coming. Fuck the Avengers movie. This has Red Skull!




And finally, the last trailer was the last movie ever produced by Cannon Films. It's Street Knight where Jeff Speakman (aka "The Perfect Weapon") battles Mexicans gangs, Black gangs, the Mafia, the police, convenience store clerks, horses and mechanics.





Got any other favorite Cannon Film classics? Do you remember these flicks? Nostalgia away!

Hey Horror Blogosphere: Choose Your Own Horror-venture!

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Weren't they awesome? It was like a video game but in book form. You'd read a few pages and then you'd have to make a decision on what to do next. Depending on your choice, you'd either succeed or you'd pretty much die horribly. The trick was you'd have to pick the choice that seemed more harder or dedicated in order to progress. I usually did the opposite. I'd pick the choice that seem to get me to the goal quicker which of course was totally freakin wrong.

I'm fond of these books and I wanted to see if we could do our own choose your own adventure book. But in this case, it's choose your own horror-venture.

I'll write a passage and will give you 3 different choices/endings and you write the ending of your choosing (pun intended!). The 3 choices or endings are in the same vain of the choices you'd get in the book. You could write a happily ever after choice/ending, another could be an open ended ending or it could be a completely miserable surefire death ending. It's up to you.

Hell if you wanted to write up your choice and continue to write a passage with a few more choices you could do that too. I just want to see what we all come up with. It's like a game of TELEPHONE sorta. It would be interesting to see what would develop from the story I wrote below.

Be sure to send me the link to your post with your choice/ending. It can be a paragraph or a few, it's up to you. Let's see what the horror blogosphere can come up with. If you don't have a blog and want to participate, leave your choice/ending in the comments.

I'm not sure if this will work but hell I think all of you are damn creative. And it should be fun.

The Detention Dungeon

You and your friend Terry are in detention. Seems Mr. Smith didn't appreciate your comment about gerbils in a blender and now your stuck in detention. You've been passing the time pretending to study your textbook "Animal Extinctions of the Last 20 Years" but in reality you are tweeting to one of your 106 followers.

Terry asks "how long do you think we'll be here for?"
"I don't you know" you respond, feeling angsty after drinking your 2nd Red Bull.

Mr. Smith puts down his newspaper and gets up. He's got a pulsating forehead and his mustache seems more twitchy. You're a little scared because this time he seems more serious. He usually talks big but he's a big softy inside.

"Gerbils huh?" Mr. Smith starts. "If you really think that's funny, maybe something more than detention is needed for the both of you."

"Detention is fine," says Terry. Terry has told you on numerous occasions that she doesn't like Mr. Smith, who recently gave her a "D" on her paper. You feel this is a waste of time and your gerbil comment (which garnered lots of chuckles from the class) was freakin awesome.

"No, I don't think detention will do. I am going to have to have Mr. Lasher talk to you. I think he's the only one who can discipline the both of you" yammered Mr. Smith. You watch him collect his newspaper and pick up his bag and open the door. He sticks his head through the door one last time.

"You both stay here you hear until Mr. Lasher arrives."

You and Terry look at each other at the same time. Oh Mr. Lasher. You've never actually seen Mr. Lasher. The rumor was the really bad kids got a "serious talk" from him and we're never the same again. Some kids who "talked" to him usually became robotic and kept to themselves after talking to this unseen teacher. They also started muttering things under their breath and talking to people who weren't there. It was all weird. One kid even developed a speech impediment after talking to Mr. Lasher.

One thing's for sure, you didn't want to talk to him.

"C'mon, Terry I don't have a good feeling about this. I don't want to talk to Mr. Lasher" you say.
"You spooked by the urban legend? Terry asks in a sarcastic way.
"No" you respond, "but the kids who have talked to him are not right. Let's get outta here right now." you demand.

You quickly grab your backpack and your phone and crouch down as you open the door. Terry gives a sigh shrug and follows you out. You quickly dash to the exit but it's padlocked. You need to find another way out.

You start to hear footsteps and they're getting closer. It could be your heart pounding but Terry confirms your suspicions. Which way to go. You need to find an exit before the infamous Mr. Lasher arrives.

If you decide to go to the gym, turn the page to this blog: The Moon is a Dead World

If you decide to go to the cafeteria, turn the page this blog: Four of Them

If you decide to go to the biology lab, turn the page this blog: Enter The Man-Cave

**********************************

OK it up to you. Pick your choice: the gym, the cafeteria or the biology lab and write up what happens. You can keep the story going or you can write an ending. I get the feeling we're not going to see a lot of happy endings.

Once you're done, send me the link and I'll insert your link to the choice you picked. All I asked is when you do, please link back to my site (http://jadedviewer.blogspot.com) or to this post. It'd be fun to get a lot of the horror blogosphere involved. So if you can retweet and post links to get people to try this little experiment, the more the better.

Happy Choosing!