EXCLUSIVE!!! A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake Review)

A Nightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake -2010)

Directed by Samuel Bayer

I must be the luckiest man in NYC. Somehow the stars aligned again and after I got to see an early screening of Kick-Ass, I couldn't believe I got to watch the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street yesterday. April is starting out super awesome!

But my dream turned into a nightmare after I saw this turd of a turd.

Sorry folks, it's a big giant pile of heaping crap.

And I'm not alone. The crowd at the theater was equally vomitus. Towards the middle of the flick during a gratuitous chase scene that lacked any suspense, somebody yelled "Freddy you suck!" At this point everybody applauded, laughed and tossed their remaining refreshments at the screen.

I too joined in. So why the unhappiness for our Dream Master? Let's find out with a Q&A.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A re-imagining of the horror icon Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer who wields a glove with four blades embedded in the fingers and kills people in their dreams, resulting in their real death in reality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This NOES remake doesn't even deserve 10 Q&As so I'm going with 5. Let's get crackin!

1.) I heard Freddy Kreuger is in this and only has 1st degree burns. He also has "a different outfit" he wears other than the sweater, fedora and glove. Is this true?

Yes folks. The burnage is sad to say the least. It's like Freddy got singed by boiling water. The makeup here is atrocious. And the different outfit is true my horror minions. He wears an almost clownlike "alternate" outfit towards the end of the flick.

My jaw dropped. The bastardization of Freddy had only yet begun.

2.) So how's the new Nancy? I heard she gets naked in that bathtub scene and you see boobage. So is it a shot by shot remake from the original scene?

You see some side boobage but the other good solid nudity comes from Skinemax stars playing high school cheerleaders. You'd think this scene would be solid but Platinum Dunes spins this into a dream sequence that is littered with cliches. From mirror scares, to hallucination scares to some cackling and those damn kids jumping rope, this entire scene and movie could be labeled "CLICHED HORROR MOVIE" by the Dharma Initiative.

3.) Damn man, wasn't there anything good in this flick? C'mon the gore and splatter are fuckin A right? I heard Freddy performs some ocular trauma on an unsuspecting nerd.

Dude, the 2 words I hate to hear in any horror flick are in full effect here: CGI gore. Sigh. I mean this CGI gore makes Diary of the Dead look like Savini effects. Sure you get some solid dream deaths, one in particular involving a locker that you don't want to open as well as Jesse getting some much needed R&R to hell. But Freddy's actual kills with the beloved glove are the worst since Revenge. You have an awesome weapon and they underutilize it here.

4.) Is Freddy going to go all Stand Up Improv or will he make me pee in my pants?

Haley is horrible as Kreuger. Some of the one-liners are flat and his scary-tude is non existent. But that's not the worst part...oh no folks.

Here we go with the giant screaming head twist!

FREDDY KREUGER IS INNOCENT!!!!

Yup he didn't molest or kill those kids. I'm not going to tell you who really did it but this is why the audience was going bonkers. They singlehandidly destroyed the mythos in 90 minutes. Why or why Platinum Dunes?!?! You sonnavabitch.

Gore-ipedia

Not even gonna get into this. I mean it had 100% CGI gore. That doesn't count.

WTF moment

Umm dude he's innocent.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

OK, my last Q&A is below. Scroll down after the picture if you want to read a BIG ASS SPOILER. Seriously, you'll want to read this.

Rating:

0 Spinkicks!!!

5.) Is this review one big April Fool's joke?

Oh yeah. 100%. I didn't see the movie and I have no idea what the fuck happens. Shit, the flick could have unicorns as far as I know. In any case dude, if Freddy turns out innocent we all should riot.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did I fool you? You should no better....it's April fuckin first.

Happy April Fool's Day!

The Trailer