a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, indie, asian, exploitation films and haunted houses
Thursday, March 29, 2012
5 Semi Unknown Actresses about to blow the fuck up
Well I needed an excuse to post pictures of Katrina Bowden. So I decided to make up this post. You probably know who all these actresses are but Ms. Moretz has been making the news since the Carrie announcement and some people didn't know she was Hit Girl in Kick Ass. It would be easy to feature Jennifer Lawrence but you know me, I dig the actresses that are semi under the radar. Clearly these actresses need more exposure so here you go.
5.) Olivia Thirlby: Yup, you've seen her in Juno, but she was in The Darkest Hour and in the Dredd remake. I clearly see her doing the indie thing but a path similar to Amanda Seyfried isn't out of the question.
4.) Jamie Chung: She did the horror thing with Sorority Row but hit the mainstream radar with Hangover 2 and Sucker Punch. She's going to go all dramatic in Eden but I can't wait to see her star with JGL in Premium Rush. Oh yeah she's in Shimizu's 7500. Her hotness is bound to turn heads but I see performance gold as well.
3.) Katrina Bowden: Sure she's been on 30 Rock, but it was her performance in Tucker and Dale vs Evil that made me notice Katrina Bowden. She's in American Reunion as well and we hit the jackpot because we all know she's in Piranha 3DD. That means there is 100% confirmation she will be in a bikini.
2.) Juno Temple: She's probably the most relative unknown of the 5, but she's been in a lot of shit according to her IMDB. Most notably she was in Year One and The Three Musketeers. But I noticed her in Gregg Araki's Kaboom where she goes all grunty and nakedy. But her upcoming slate is full of awesomeness. She's in The Dark Knight Rises (heard of it?), Killer Joe, Lovelace and a werewolf lesbian film called Jack and Diane with Jena Malone. God damn yay.
1.) Chloe Grace Moretz: Clearly not unknown to genre fans, Chloe Moretz was our dear Hit Girl in Kick Ass. Her filmography is extensive and she technically broke out as Abby in Let Me In. But at only 15, she's damn versatile as an actress taking roles in crime dramas like Texas Killing Fields. Obviously Hugo was fuckin huge as well but I'm curious as hell to see her in Dark Shadows.
Clearly she is our new Carrie and that will make her skyrocket into the filmdom stratosphere.
Everybody should calm down and stop being elitist horror fans for a sec because you saw Battle Royale. How about the fans who READ the book? They're more hipster than the ppl who saw the movie. But they better not make a film about Ennis Preacher or I'm gonna bust heads....
Well don't I sound all fuckinhipserish right??? It got me thinking that we horror fans say and do some hipsterish things (sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't). Oh I do them too, don't get me wrong. But when you think of horror fans in their late 20s, early 30s and older there is a level between these age gaps that have them acting like the vile Williamsburg scum we all despise. We are all guilty. Girls, that dark eyeliner is horror hipster-nista. Dudes, that beard you're growing? Alpha hipster. Here are few of the things I notice. I'm gonna get shit from this I know. Fuck.
1.) Anything made in the 70s and 80s is a fuckin cult classic
Remember, millennials think Scream is a cult classic and that was made in the 90s.
2.) We tell noobs to see the originals before the remakes
Sure Hollywood bastardizes the originals but some of our "originals" are remakes too.
3.) We're too good to see a movie based on a bestseller because we saw a cult movie based on a cult best seller
What could I be talking about?
4.) We all wear ironic horror t-shirts with humorish text or 80s slasher nostalgia
Yup I own a few of these Fright Rags.
5.) We constantly refer to Cannibal Holocaust and Blair Witch Project as the best found footage flicks. Everything else sucks.
Many of you will disagree with this. I just want another cannibal movie.
6.) We rage when Hollywood skull fucks our childhood by remaking horror movies, yet we go en masse and see these shitty movies
How ironic right?
7.) We all have horror blogs
I just called myself a horror hipster douche bag. I'm a sonnavabitch.
8.) We tell noobs that we've seen obscure, foreign, hard to find, banned video nasty films.
Most of these are on Amazon.com.
9.) We also say the French, Japanese, Chinese, Canadian, British, German make the best horror flicks these days.
We don't watch any of these because we hate subtitles.
10.) We've all met Kane Hodder, Ken Foree and Tiffany Shepis at some horror convention.
And we've all made that our Facebook profile photo.
EXCLUSIVE! The Client List TV Plot Summaries Revealed!
When I first noticed Jennifer Love Hewitt's BOOBS were starring in "The Client List" I knew I had to write up a post on this awesomeness that would be unleashed on cable television. The poster, production photos and sneak peak videos were such a tease on the male American audience. So many questions came to mind. Would J-Love's boobs be able to give a star performance? Would we be able to accept them on the screen every time? Would we see them bounce? Were they still perfect like they were when she twirled around in I Know What You Did Last Summer?
These critical questions were answered with a resounding YES!
It was the best made for TV movie starring a pair of boobs...well ever (check out my review made of live tweets HERE!). But now, the gods of cleavage have gifted us again. Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs will return and star in The Client List: the TV show!!! Yes my fellow boob hounds, we are going to get to enjoy J-Love in various states of undress, meet a unknowing husband and kids and see some Forever Alone sleazy johns week after week!
So what's this series all about? Let's go over the plot first.
Everyone’s got something to hide and Riley Parks is no exception. Jennifer Love Hewitt plays Riley, a single mother, living in a small Texas town and leading a shocking double life. Her secret would send shockwaves through the community and possibly land her in jail if it was ever exposed. Riley’s taken a job at a seemingly traditional day spa, but soon realizes that the parlor offers a little more than just massage therapy. It’s not the happy ending she was expecting but it does open her eyes to a world she’s never seen before. The series follows Riley balancing these two worlds - one that revolves around her kids and family - and the other that revolves around the massage parlor and it’s special clientele. These two worlds couldn’t be farther apart, yet she’s totally comfortable in both. Keeping them separate … now that’s the tricky part as she discovers she’s not the only one with secrets.
You totally didn't read that didn't you?
OK check out this music video/teaser. This will get your tent pole up.
Now check out this behind the scenes footage. One promo has J-Love's boobs popping out during an interview. This ain't your momma's Lifetime.
I think you all need a break. Here's a picture for you to look at.
Hi, I'm Riley Parks. Just a small town girl who LOVES karaoke, a good margarita and my two kids Katie & Travis. (Beaumont, TX)
Isn't that cute?
But you've all been waiting for that big exclusive right? Well here you go. I've received the plot summaries of the first 10 episodes of The Client List! You haven't seen anything yet as these future episodes are steamier than a Turkish bathhouse.
1.) Episode 1: "Pilot"
Riley Parks starts her first day as a masseuse but has quickly realizes things aren't as they seem. As she works up the courage to "satisfy" her first customer, she accidentally pulls the wrong muscle. To make matters worse, she has to pick up her son from Little League during the incident leaving the client worse for wear.
2.) Episode 2: "Slippery when Wet"
An Olympic gold medalist swimmer comes into the spa looking for more than a massage from Selena, a fellow masseuse. Unfortunately she has trouble satisfying his every need (marijuana, sub sandwiches) and asks Riley for help. Riley, who has at the same time having bedroom troubles with her husband Colin, agrees. However, she asks for a favor from Selena that will have everybody seeing threes.
3.) Episode 3: "Happy Beginnings"
Riley encounters a customer who is willing to give her a bonus if she performs "characters" for his pleasure. These include being a psychic, a horror scream queen, the popular teen girl and Audrey Hepburn. Riley agrees and soon starts lavishing her family with gifts making husband Colin and her mother suspicious. Soon both husband and mother start tailing Riley across town and wonder why she's buying a Wonder Woman outfit. How will Riley explain her odd purchases and who actually is following who? 4.) Episode 4: "Riley does Beaumont"
Riley encounters a few customers including her nephew who is obsessed with cyberporn. Meanwhile, Riley's daughter is being cyberbullied by unknown students. As she tries to juggle these family issues, the spa gets a case of the paranormal that is scaring everyone. Who can talk to these ghosts and make them see the light? 5.) Episode 5: "The Massage Oils of War"
When a rival massage parlor opens across the street, the ladies of the day spa start checking out the competition. Riley and Jolene (a fellow coworker) convince one of their clients to "spy" on the new place and start to realize he isn't the only one not coming back to the spa. As tensions mount between owners, it's up to Riley and her crew to make sure the up and coming parlor know a full blown explosion is just and the corner if they don't stop stealing their customers.
Are you looking forward to seeing The Client List? Sound off. I'll be live tweeting and reviewing it when it airs. The Client List premieres on Lifetime on April 8th. Check out the official site more info.
Back in the day, I would search out for the most fucked up, goriest, splattered fill horror movies out in the underground. I soon stumbled upon German splatter like Ittenbach's Burning Moon or Schnaas Violent Shit trilogy. I would get excited when I'd get my hands on this type of movie because I'd see unrated gore and splatter in all it's 8th generation dubbed glory.
Those movies did it old school. Old school tubes, animal intestines and red faux blood to create those effects. Sure they were balloons filled with red dye and such but it looked awesome. Well those days are long gone unfortunately.
Today we get shit like The Summer of Massacre. A movie whose sole premise is that it holds the Guinness Book of World Records for the Highest Body Count in a slasher film at 155. To get this record it fills 1 hour and 37 minutes with HORRIBLY BAD CGI KILLS. And I don't mean these were Romero like CGI, I mean this is MS Paint bad CGI. It's the equivalent of super transposed 16 bit Genesis graphics on top of the movie. Atari had better graphics than this film.
It's technically an anthology with self contained stories about a mad killer on the loose, some grotesque handicapped kid, killer father back from the dead to torment his son, camp kids killed by mutant firemen and serial killers with a nuke. It's not as cool as it sounds. Bad acting, bad makeup effects, bad stories and utterly fuckin shitty CGI kills. Sliced necks, ankles, necks, etc. Bullet would deaths. A whole level of stupid gross shit. I could list shit but honestly I don't even remember. This is pretty much the worst horror movie I've seen in the last 10 years. And trust me, I've seen a lot of bad ones.
I just can't stand movies who use CGI in their horror these days. I'm an old school guy with a throwback to the grind mentality. I'm pretty sure it's necessary at times but I like seeing the vicious realism of trauma. It's what I grew up watching and I appreciate the effort by the filmmakers when they go this route.
The Summer of Massacre is a crappy induced diarrhea mess of a film. I'd rather have my eyes gouged by hot pokers than see this film again. I'd rather be eaten alive by cannibals and shown by beating heart than see this film again. I'd rather have all my arms and legs chopped off and placed in a wooden box buried alive than see this film again.
The scary part is all those scenes are going to probably be in the sequel in really fuckin bad CGI.
Did you ever want to see the Suicide Girls take on a sea monster?
Well Australia has got you covered. Because in Stuart Simpson's El monstro del mar (translated to Monster of the Sea) you'll just see that. And that's pretty much it.
Monstro goes into the way back time machine to give us a throwback to B-movie monsterpalooza where a quiet seaside town goes under attack by 3 hot Aussie vixen pussycat kill kill killers as they battle a tentacle rape octupi.
The movie starts off as From Dusk til Dawn style as our 3 tatted up, goth femme fatales lay a Venus fly trap for some man fodder. They party hard, booze it up and sniff those lines. They meet a young girl (another Aussie hottie) and her grandfather but secrets lay deep in this beach town. Soon locals are slaughtered and much blood is lost.
The CGI monster is slightly above your SyFy original movie but the buckets of blood and gore is unrelenting. Kudos to Simpson and his team for going all out. But hell the tentacles are pure laughable as are the death scenes. It's definitely intentionally "bad", with ridiculous carnage of serpent arms vs man. But do I buy into the "it's so bad, it's good" formula? Well too a point I do. I'm all for seeing our 3 whores from hell Beretta, Blondie and the hottest of all Snowball go swimming and acting badass but without a real story or any interesting scenes of fun, it also becomes outright boring. It's fairly predictable and generic as they come.
If you want to see Aussie Suicide girls battle sea monsters, this will be your favorite movie. I liked the eye candy and the fairly cheesy monster mash gore. But clearly it's the same as watching a Skinemax action movie. Pick your poison.
In this edition of The Shortround, we go all sci fi. JG Barnes, director of Thieves sent me his short to check out. I figured, let's break the monotony and check out a sci-fi short. Here be the nuts and bolts.
One scene. One Room. A nice long chat simmers between a cold and precise Agent (Kelly Kirstein) and a brilliant yet fanatical terrorist (Sheldon Simmons). This man harbors the key to saving lives or the tool of ultimate vanity. But what exactly is it? As the veil slowly burns, the truth unfolds.
the jaded viewer says: Well to call Thieves a short would be a stretch. It's more of an excerpt from a proposed feature movie. Barnes short, done on a $300 budget is to be admired as the set, the surveillancePOV and the acting is all solid. But thrown into the mix of an interrogation between a replicant? and a revolutionary is intentional dialogue of ideas of what it means to be human and how we can easily lose our identity with our tech. Cyberpunk is ever evident but one can get easily lost in the spewing of back and forth questions and answers. Sure budget limitations aside, one can forgo action or CGI, but if the conversation is confusing, it's headed towards disaster.
It's hard to gauge Thieves. We haven't had a decent cyberpunk film in such a long time (Johnny Pneumonic anyone?). I love the ideas of data transfer, a dystopian universe and a revolution against an evil corporation/government entity but I'm not sure where Thieves will go if made into a feature. Lots of interesting parallels to our modern world can be explored, one you hope may be touched on at some point.
Look out for Thieves as it makes a run on the festival circuit.
The Raid will revolutionize the modern action movie
After watching the umpteenth trailer and clips of The Raid: Redemption, you just get the feeling this shits going to be fuckin awesome. Sure we can all get hyped by The Expendables 2, but I get the eerie feeling Gareth Evans Indonesian action flick is going to get rewashed, rebooted and remade in that repackaged American way.
Haven't seen the trailer? Check it out.
Remember when Ong Bak came out and it fuckin exploded in your brain? I think Thailand may get dethroned by Indonesian's action stunt teams. I mean look at these scene below. Holy fuckin cow.
There is nothing like seeing some dude gets his head blown up point blank. Plus there a few more scenes of just pure WTF. "Silat", the Indonesian martial arts style seems like it's replacing muy thai for pure action awesomness.
My friends who know me, know I'm a stickler to see original flicks before the remakes. I'm pretty sure they got The Rock and Will Smith lined up for some pussy PG-13 American bullshit. Sorry Tony Jaa, your ass got replaced.
Is The Raid going to revolutionize the action film? What do you think?