Friday, September 30, 2011

The NYC Haunted House Reviews are coming....

October is right around the corner and the jaded viewer is in full swing to bring you reviews of all the New York City haunted houses. I'm going to try my hardest to hit all these HH's below.

These include:
I know some of my HH reviews have gotten some NEW jaded viewers to the site. Trust me, I'll go to these crazy f*cke d up place so you don't have to (but I encourage you ALL to go anyway)

So keep checking back here for insights and updates to all these NYC Haunted Houses.

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Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Insano Steve Review)

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who after a long hiatus was forced at gunpoint to write his thoughts after seeing Tox Six's The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence]

Rather than give a full review of Human Centipede 2, I thought I'd go through some things that I liked about the movie, and some that I didn't. In honor of the centipede, I broke it down into 10 good and 10 bad things.

Good
  1. The gore and special effects are excellent. Much more so than the original.
  2. The killer is a fat slob, who is mute, asthmatic, and retarded. Unconventional!
  3. The shameless flashbacks to the first part were (un) intentionally hilarious.
  4. A character from the first part miraculously returns!
  5. More feces than you will ever see, or would want to see.
  6. Lacking medical knowledge, our new "doctor" uses household tools.
  7. Watching a lady, who didn't know better, leave the theater in disgust.
  8. An actual centipede attacks and maims an old woman. Symbolism!
  9. Gratuitous prenatal infant trauma. And postnatal trauma.
  10. The use of laxatives as a plot catalyst!
Bad
  1. The whole movie is in black and white. It mutes the effect of the blood/guts.
  2. There's no actual plot. No attempt to explain. No attempt to attempt.
  3. Like 10 scenes of the fat slob using an inhaler. He has asthma. OK, we get it.
  4. Seeing the fat slob wearing a thong walk around the house. Not good times.
  5. Sorry, but seeing a room drenched in blood and feces needs to be in color!
  6. The acting was horrible. Even when you consider the low expectations.
  7. A little shit eating really goes a long way.
  8. I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't all "100% medically accurate".
  9. All of the boring non-centipede related murders.
  10. Black and white might've been an attempt at art. This shit ain't art. This shit is shit.
And there you have it, a movie that delivers all the over the top decadence you hoped for. And literally nothing more than that. Grading on a curve....

Rating:
1/2

Here are more photos via UGO.com





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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Review)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Directed by Tom Six

Sometimes your poop comes in pellet form, other times you need to set up a level 10 quarantine. It's these rather crude analogies that I've conjured up that equate themselves to the original and sequel for The Human Centipede . After eating a burrito, sometimes you fear the worst and sometimes that trip to the bathroom turns out not as bad as you thought it would be. That's what I thought of Tom Six's original.

The Human Centipede 2 is not a good film by any means but its like a newborn's dirty diaper....you get a hell of a surprise. Devoid of any decent plot, a psychopath that is a couple of deadly sins incarnate (think sloth) and 100% medically inaccurate, its a film that is a big "FUCK YOU" by Tom Six for anybody who claimed the original didn't go over the edge. I wrote in my original review: "I'd like to have seen it go over the edge and go into the realm of uncharted super duper uber fuckedupness"

Well Tom Six does exactly that. He should have taken elements from the original and mix in the fuckedupness in this film. But instead he goes waaaaay over the top in an artsy fartsy black and white splatter film and chooses to not give one single fuck about characters, plot and an antagonist we can fear or even be remotely memorable.

Sure the Human Centipede 2 makes 2 Girls, 1 Cup look like a Disney film, but at what cost?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence), fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The beauty of the original was the ridiculousness of Dr. Heiter and his obsessiveness to create a human centipede. Dieter Laser's performance was incredible and his "Feed her!" line will be uttered by horror fans for years to come. But our main sociopath, a mute and obese Brit named Martin is such a disappointment, one can only think that this is what Tom Six thinks of the hardcore horror fan. This fat penguin man, who is obsessed with Six's original film decides to go and make a 12 man centipede where the lovely Ashlynn Yennie will form the head (she's like the black Lion in this fucked up Voltron).

Working at a parking garage, his victims come in all forms from happily married couple, drunk party girls, a pregnant woman, random hooligans and a few other unfortunates that Martin encounters. He's a victim of sexual abuse via his father and his mom begs to have their angry neighbor "kill them both". The family doctor is as degenerate as Martin and makes an appearance as a ro-beast.

The movie is as predictable as your run of the mill slasher. Martin watches the original, jerks off, feeds his pet centipede (yes you read that right he has a pet centipede) stalks his victims and kills. Lather, rinse and repeat. It's the same old shit for like an hour. Six decides this meta-verse is him being crazy fuckin clever (he's not). That's not to say our mute Martin doesn't make a few intentional ha ha's. His excited cheering during the "feed her!" scene as he rewatches the classic and a few phone calls from a casting agent give us winks to the audience's knowledge of part 1. Martin is a walking grotesque, a child with a loaded gun that enjoys inflicting harm for his obsession. He's his own Dr. Frankenstein and squeals with glee as he shapes his very own human centipede but the only thing WE the audience care about is seeing his creation.

And that's why you have to watch an hour of this film to see it. And it's like seeing a Rorschach test made of human feces. Your only reason for sitting through this film is to see the fuckin full sequence. 3 was not enough for us. We want 6...no we want 9...how about 12!

Where the original had Dr. Heiter use a clean sterile environment and had medical precision for his experiment, Martin uses a dirty, filthy abandoned warehouse complete with rusty tools for his operation. And here comes the Gore-ipedia. Sliced knee tendons, really bad dental surgery, tongue trauma, staple gun frenzy and a lot of duck tape. The splatter and gore are at its peak and they are making gorehounds rejoice. It's not until we get to Martin's own "Feed her!" scene do we get to fuckedupness levels of fuckedupness. It's LITERALLY shit in motion. Even Martin's comeuppance at the end is a level of the surreal and definitely 100% medically IN-accurate.

The Human Centipede 2 is a competitive horror viewing contest. The original was easy to stomach, participants easily digested everything they took in. But HC2 is seeing a dude eat beyond his capacity and then vomit it all up. Do you really want to see that shit?

I'm not buying into any theory that HC2 has some underlying meaning in it. I firmly believe Tom Six was responding to all of us who LOVED the original or HATED it but both sides agreed it didn't go over the line of what it was advertised to be. But this time he delivers a disgusting, gore soaked and diarrhea of a film that has none of the awesomeness of what made the original so memorable.

All that's left to do after watching The Human Centipede 2 is to flush the toilet.

Nude-ipedia

A few boobs and ass via our victims
Martin's shirtless obesity made me throw up in my mouth a little

Gore-ipedia

See above labeled Gore-ipedia

WTF moment

Martin's comeuppance

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I'm giving HC2 2 spinkicks. It's not a good movie like I said but it's got scenes that I'll admit leave a damn fucked up imprint in your mind. I did laugh a few times because of the ridiculousness of it all but those LOLs were few and far in between. I had HC2 as the #1 Remaining Best of the Rest Horror Movies of 2011. What can I say? I got caught up in the hype.

The Human Centipede 2 is being distributed by IFC Films and will get a theatrical release on October 7th.

The Vitals

Rating:


Check out the trailer below.





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Friday, September 16, 2011

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: DVD of your choice!!!

I'll be honest. This giveaway isn't going to be as awesome as The House of the Devil VHS Collectable. The 3 movies I was planning on giving away are pretty mediocre (some will say it sucks monkey balls) but hey it's free if you win right?

So for this giveaway, if you win you'll have a choice of which movie you want. I haven't seen any of these flicks. You can IMDB them for reviews. They are unopened and were saved from the trash bin. But one man's trash is another man's not trash right?

Enter by leaving your name and e-mail address in the comments. On or around October 12th or so I'll randomly pick a winner. That's it.

Here are the 3 movies you get to choose from.

1.) Ferocious Planet DVD (a SyFy Original Movie via Maneater Series)


the jaded viewer says: Stars Joe Flanigan and John Rhys-Davies. New copy of this SyFy original movie. Who knows what the plot is but I'm sure the flick has awesome CGI. Here's the trailer.




2.) Savage County DVD (via MTV New Media)

the jaded viewer says: I think the soundtrack may be better than the movie. Texas Chainsaw ripoff for sure for the MTV generation.

Trailer because you didn't ask for it.





3.) Fertile Ground (via After Dark Originals)


the jaded viewer says: I think the house doesn't like this big city couple too much. You know how I LOVE After Dark originals right?

Trailer because you want to see scenes that are way too dark.



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On a side note, the jaded viewer will be going on hiatus for a week or so. I'll be in Los Angeles for reasons well beyond my control. If you're a jaded viewer in LA, drop me a line via Facebook or Twitter and let me know any good food yum yum spots I should check out or not for tourists places to visit.

See ya when I get back!

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sweatshop (Review)

Sweatshop

Sweatshop (2009)

Directed by Stacy Davidson

"It's always the quiet ones that cut your dick off while you're not looking"

-Token black guy DJ

It's rare to see a film that takes the slasher formula and hammers in the gore relentlessly. If there is one thing that nails this down, it's Sweatshop, a splatter soaked gore-o-thon that gives us sex, beats and a big fuckin sledgehammer.

Director Stacy Davidson and writer Ted Geoghegan clearly went for the jugular in this film. I'll get to the gore in a second but the cast of characters who we'll get to meet are the anti-Hollywood Hollister/American Eagle bunch of white people. They're ravers/punk rockers/crustycore motley crew sorta bunch and kudos to the costume department for making them all stand out in their own way.

A few plot points are scattered around, a few LOLs dabbled in but the gorehounds will rejoice when "The Beast" and his banshee she-demons get their kill on. It's the gore and splatter that drives Sweatshop, make no doubt about it. It's not reinventing the slasher genre but it's making sure the definition is being 100% adhered to.

Sweatshop's The Beast is a slasher even Thor would be scared of.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I review every slasher flickwith my handy jaded viewer slasher checklist. Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Sweatshop achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check. The Beast's backstory is never told, we don't even know why he wants to kill these glow stick motherfuckers. He's got a pimp fur coat and a welding mask and his fuckin large...like Butterbean large. I'm going to assume he's an inbred redneck as that's what I always assume.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Definite check. The raver-tastic Krystal Freeman who plays Lolli shows us her lovely lovelies (that's boobs) and it's mucho fantastico. Top it off with a sex scene with a fat guy and..... ::shivers::

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check. Clearly there's a final girl in here somewhere. We have Charlie, the greedy raver in charge, Scottyboy the mohawk sex fiend, Wade the hillbilly, Jade the malicious vixen, Lolli the slut, Miko the other slut and a token black DJ.

4.) No Plot?

Check. Kids have a rave in an abandoned warehouse where a Thor envy slasher kills them. What more you want?

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. I'll say that they went old school with this one.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hammer frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. Top notch over the top gore in this one. Severed heads via a hedge clipper, sliced heads via machetes, entrails and intestines ripped out and many many many splatter inducing, modified sledge hammer wallops that result in pancake ravers. Ocular trauma, penis trauma, hand trauma, neck trauma...there be a whole shitload of fuckin trauma in this.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Nope. Nothing. Nada. Nobody really takes charge. Everybody fends for themselves. Bunch of savages in this town.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

There are a few jokes that made me chuckle but overall it's the final rave scene at the end where The Beast goes exterminator on the raver "roaches" that had me laughing.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Nope.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

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Sweatshop isn't the most creative slasher movie but it's the most bloodiest one I've seen in a while. It's got its gimmicks (ravers doing ravy things) and a masked slasher with a weapon that would make Jason Voorhees jealous. The characters are your standard cardboard cutouts of not white teen suburbia but cutouts of what we think ravers dress and act like. I mean they had them drinking and smoking weed...but not doing meth or taking E? WTF?

By the end of the first hour, the body count is quite high and your waiting to see what the hell will happen in the final 30. And I'll admit it doesn't disappoint. It's a crazy gore soaked ending.

I've always said that if you have gratuitous nudity, some semi interesting characters and a formidable killing machine, you've made a decent slasher film in my book.

You may not have expected it, but Sweatshop cuts off a good solid dick.

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous

WTF moment


That hammer is seriously pimped out

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Sweatshop is being distributed via Screen Media Films and was released on DVD September 13th. Sarah Jahier of Fatally Yours has a quote on the DVD box (which peaked my interest in watching this) and a Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central gave good reviews.

The Vitals
Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer.


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Monday, September 12, 2011

The Remaining Best of the Rest Horror Movies of 2011

With about 4 months to go, I've scanned the remaining upcoming horror schedule for the rest of 2011 and picked my favorites. Of course I don't know if any of these will actually be good but one can only hope they live up to their buzz.

I always think the best horror movies usually release around Halloween (for obvious reasons) and then the battle for the horror supremacy gets packed with contenders.

Let's see if any of these pan out.

10.) American Horror Story


Releases Date: October 5th

the jaded viewer says:
FX's new show is not a horror movie, but a show that all horror fans should be on the look out for. For now, the teaser is vague as fuckin hell, haunted house meets weird imagery? I need something to keep me entertained this fall.





9.) Grave Encounters

Release Date: August 25th - VOD/Theaters

the jaded viewer says:
Already released, it's hard to judge Grave Encounters. It's got that Paranormal Activity ripoff going against it but it's got that reality ghost hunter thing going for it. I'm on the fence with this one but it's peaked my interest.




8.) Red State


Release Date: Sept 1st - VOD, Select Theaters - Sept. 25th

the jaded viewer says:
I'm a Kevin Smith fan but even I am kind of up in the air on this flick. I guess I should ask all of you who've seen it. Yay or Nay?





7.) Paranormal Activity 3

Release Date: October 21st

the jaded viewer says:
The prequel to the series might answer some questions. PA2 was a little too dumb but we could get something new to reinvent the series. But cmon now...Bloody Mary legend in your teaser?



6.) The Dead

Release Date: October 1st

the jaded viewer says:
The Dead is probably the most anticipated zombie movie I've seen in a while. Old school Fulci zombies and actually set in Africa. It could turn out to be just another run of the mill zombie flick or it could kick so much fuckin ass. We shall see.




5.) You're Next


Release Date: ???

the jaded viewer says:
Adam Wingard's latest flick is a horror comedy described as "Home Alone" horror flick. Just premiering at TIFF, it's gotten crazy good buzz with a bidding war ensuing. I always keep Wingard, an indie filmmaker extraordinaire on my radar.

4.) Chillerama


Release Date: November 29th

the jaded viewer says:
The Adam Green/Joe Lynch/Adam Rifkin/Tim Sullivan grindhouse drive in horror comedy anthology looks b-movie-tastic. I mean its rare to have the following filmmakers get behind a project like this but as I said before, I believe the horror anthology is posed to make a comeback. Chillerama might be that juggernaut.




3.) The Woman


Release Date: October 14th

the jaded viewer says:
Lucky McKee got great hype with that Sundance video where a guy so disturbed by the flick walked out of a screening. But the film is probably one of the most odd and unique flicks to ever come out this year and though may not totally shock, it will definitely be the definitive film of McKee's movies.



2.) Piranha 3DD

Release Date: November 23rd

the jaded viewer says:
I can't wait to see this flick. Piranhas in a water park can only make for awesome kills and awesome nudity. I mean Katrina Bowden is in this and she's guaranteed to be in a freakin bikini. Great Scott! This is going to be heavy.

1.) The Human Centipede 2

Release Date: October 7th

the jaded viewer says: Love it or hate it, the Human Centipede made sure you thought of how far a film could go. Though it didn't go over the edge, the FULL SEQUENCE Tom Six promises is going to be way fuckin crazier. "Martin" looks absolutely fuckin slothy nuts. I can't wait.



*****************************************************************************

Any other horror flicks you excited for? Let me know what you think of my picks and anything else I've missed.

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Friday, September 09, 2011

iCrime (Review)

iCrime

iCrime (2011)

Directed by Bears Fonté

The Truth and Cyberspace Collide

That's the tagline for iCrime, a stylized, indie film 2.0 that uses the MTV formula to tell a story about a Midwestern girl finding her way in the City of Angels.

I'll be honest, the poster and trailer make it look like it's a late night Skinemax after dark production. Go watch the trailer and don't tell me you didn't expect a scantily clad female seducing a dude to show up. But I was kind of surprised that this wasn't the case (and a little disappointed). In a weird way, iCrime is a perfect fit for a midnight showing on MTV. It clearly calls for the 18-34 year old demographic to eat up the content.

So what's the appeal to the Millennials? You have a murder mystery wrapped up with iJustine homages (or maybe a bit of Lonely Girl 15) with some fancy window editing, texting gimmicks, small town girl in a big city looking for love and a TMZ ripoff. It's a blend of Web 2.0 and film noir that clearly is more ambitious than it should be.

I'll admit I was very much entrenched in the goings of our lovely cutie Carrie but that's not to say it didn't have a mountain of flaws. It felt a bit unfocused at times and sometimes stressed style over substance. A supporting cast with little depth as well as subplots all over the place made it a bit over packed with shiznit.

But for a movie that plays on themes of the unsparkly side of Hollywood, family bonding, trust and betrayal, it works and for that I enjoyed my iCrime film viewing experience. Now check out what two millennials think.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Carrie Kevin may seem like a typical Hollywood ingénue – a small-town girl looking to break into acting – but underneath her fresh-faced appearance is a girl on a mission. After learning that a journalist is about to go public with an old sex tape made by her cousin Stefy – a moderately successful pinup girl – Carrie makes a deal to provide the journalist with an even bigger story. Now she must venture into Hollywood’s seedy underbelly to expose the latest Internet sensation Jordan Rivers as a fraud. Yet, as Carrie delves deeper into the lies, deception and betrayal, she may end up making a name for herself after all – as the latest Hollywood murder victim.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's Fake-O Tweet-O-Vision!

MovieLover1992: @SelenaLovesKyle6 I just saw this awesome flk iCrime!

SelenaLovesKyle6: @MovieLover1992 OMG. Whats it about?

MovieLover1992: @SelenaLovesKyle6 Well this Okie girl comes to LA and works for a website called Echo Report and tries to prove this girl Jordan on YouTube is a total fake. As if!

SelenaLovesKyle6: @MovieLover1992 Sounds a bit like one of those shows on CW or ABC Family....I'm totally gonna watch!

MovieLover1992: @SelenaLovesKyle6 Yeah its got texting on screen, internet videos and chatting and OMG that ending is just crazy. Srlsy I was so shocked!

SelenaLovesKyle6: @MovieLover1992 Send me the trailer and a review. I wanna chk it out!

OK that's enough of my fake-o tweet-o vision. Director Bears Fonte debut film is clearly entrenched in a world that spins the small town girl in LA into a whole new direction. We've seen it before but here he's added a few Web 2.0 add ons to the mix. Carrie (Sara Fletcher) our Oklahoma noob tries to protect her cousin Stefy from a sex tape going public. But that plot line is just one of many which either detracts or enhances the film (to me, there were way to many things going on). The main plot line revolves around Carrie who works for "the Echo Report" online tabloid as she tries to expose the internet phenomenon Jordan, as she tries to prove she's an actress and not the innocent school girl she plays online.

The first thing about this film is the Web 2.0 generated gimmicks that get maxed exposure. We get the following:
  • The Echo Report (TMZ-ish parody)
  • Some gratuitous Skype-ing (video chatting)
  • Texting in movie (as the texts appear like subtitles on screen)
  • YouTube videos of our LonelyGirl/iJustine phenom "Jordan"
  • YouTube response videos of Jordan's fans reacting to her ordeal
  • Various references to message boards and social networking sites (you know the ones)
I don't mind all of these things in my movies. I laugh when Spyder Crawler or FrienderZ show up. Making an internet UGC movie without mentioning the obvious brands they reference is a staple. I mean you can't just say Twitter you know? The beauty of iCrime is it taps into a generation spoon fed info via 160 characters at a time. The Nancy Drew mystery Carrie investigates is a wee bit ridiculous but Sara Fletcher's performance was stellar and her presence onscreen negates any ridiculousness we see.

A few supporting roles from Zeffer (Carrie's possible love interest), Stefy her cousin looking for another big break, Raychel a fellow blogger and Jordan the web star are solid as they are just outright cardboard cutouts of a teen Lifetime movie of the week.

As Carrie searches for the truth, she also goes onto side quests that got distracting. From a blackmail plot of her cousin, to Hollywood insider parties she attends, to the budding relationship between her and lovable goofball Zeffer to ultimately the final reveal, it's a mish mash of filler scenes that got a bit convoluted. Fonte may have overloaded his script in his debut film with all these plot lines. In doing so he forgot to develop the characters into something more than caricatures. Carrie ultimately reveals a slew of problems she's dealing with, but all I cared about was the kidnapping gone awry. The twist can be predicted without a degree in sixth sense powers but it's as MovieLover1992 says: Srlsy I was so shocked!

That's not to say the it isn't fun to watch.

iCrime is filled with various LOLs that kept the movie moving. Fletcher does such a good job of being the champion of anti-fakeiness it becomes addicting. She's got that girl next door look, has various "cool" outfits and smokes...alot. The supporting players though one dimensional are still interesting and the movie has a decent soundtrack (including a live punk rock performance) It's a perfect film for the millennial generation as the web and CW-ish plot are easy to buy into. Occasionally, I like watching betrayal soaps with an interweb style that can be consumed in easily digestible morsels. Yeah I said it.

It's a credit for iCrime to deliver an indie movie that knows how to speak that Millennial language. Sometimes you feel like watching something that "MovieLover1992" and "SelenaLovesKyle6" are gonna love. There's no shame in that.

Nude-ipedia

Nada...but some PG-13 cleavage. Does that count?

WTF moment


Srly that ending OMG! FTW!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

iCrime is being released via Breaking Glass Pictures via their Vicious Circle Films brand. It'll be out on DVD on September 27th. The DVD will include Deleted Scenes and runs about 103 minutes.

The inner millennial in you is itching to see this. It's up to you to decide if you should listen to that voice.

The Vitals
Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer below.



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Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Coffin (Review)

The Coffin

The Coffin (2008)

Directed by Ekachai Uekrongtham

It's been a while since I've seen a film via the Pacific rim be it J, K, HK or T-horror. In this case, the T is Thai horror with a Singapore flavor mixed in. The Coffin is an example of a film that's distributed abroad across all the countries bordering the Pacific Ocean. From Korea to Japan to China to the Philippines, each of these countries has a supernatural angst to the highest degree.

We in the west are not engulfed in all that is ghosts and dismiss this phenomenon as bogus. But when a movie blends deep cultural beliefs with some BOO! GOTCHA! ARGHH! scares it's suppose to make the viewer scared of what he or she most fears. As for me, it's a boring mess of supernatural romantic soap opera nonsense.

The movie's main plot point is that there is a Thai custom that to cheat death and rid oneself of bad luck, a man or woman must lay in a coffin with some ritualistic chanting. The one dude wants to have his girlfriend wake up from a coma and a woman wants to get rid of her cancer. So they perform the ritual and shenanigans arise from pissed off ghosties. Lots of the occasional BOOOOOOOO! mirror scares, moaning sounds, bloody corpses and none of this is really at all scary.

Most of the film is excruciatingly boring as all hell. Conversations in part English and part Thai of whatever mumbo jumbo beliefs. The film is generic as a bottle of tomato flavored "Catsup". I'm not easily impressed by cinematography or foggy cemeteries (this has both and more).

The fact that I could watch YouTube FAIL videos while I watched this flick shows how long these boring scenes were. I'll admit, I've got American ADD and it's not my style to watch long drawn out scenes that set up a BOOO! scare. But even the scares were like flat soda.

Best to keep the Thai supernatural horror across the ocean. Send us some revenge flicks. We like those better.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie is being released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Label. It's now out on DVD. For more info check out the official Breaking Glass Pictures site.

The Vitals
Rating:
1/2 a

Here's the trailer.



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Tuesday, September 06, 2011

The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil VHS is......


Thanks to all who participated in this giveaway. It was very interesting to read all your answers to who would be your celebrity babysitter for a night. I mentioned my babysitter would be Ellen Page who I think is super duper awesome. But check out the list below of who others picked to be their babysitter.

  • Oprah
  • Jean Claude Van Damme
  • Jamie Lee Curtis (The ultimate babysitter.)
  • Elvira
  • Werner Herzog
  • Emily Perkins
  • Joe Bob Briggs
  • Mila Kunis
  • Hulk Hogan
  • Julianne Moore
  • Linnea Quigley
  • Milla Jovovich
  • Jocelin Donahue
  • Quentin Tarantino
  • Christopher Lee
  • Vincent Cassel/Klaus Kinski
  • John Goodman
  • Falcor from The Neverending Story
  • John Waters
  • Edwige Fenech
  • Kurt Russell
  • Serj Tankian
  • Jeff "The Dude" Bridges
  • Alison Lohman
  • Elijah Wood
A bunch of hotties, respected directors and actors and a wrestler. Clearly, we value a good conversation over eye candy.

As for the film, I reviewed this film a while ago. I gave it 2 spinkicks. I kind of liked Babysitter Wanted a little bit better but I can't be to harsh with this flick. I mean Ti West created a solid throwback babysitter horror nostalgia flick and put it out in VHS form which is uber cool to say the least.

The odd history of how I came to get this House of the Devil VHS clamshell was that my former dot com company moved offices and left a pile of goodies for us employees to pick up. Somehow, the editors left this beauty of a prize. I swooped it up and figured a true horror fan would enjoy this instead of it being in the trash.

Like I said. this VHS clamshell collectable is pretty awesome. It's just the clamshell and the VHS tape inside. Nothing else. But it's pretty damn cool if you have a VCR (which I don't). I always say it's best to give to those who do (....have a VCR...really? You have one? Kudos)

Well without further ado and via a random drawing (I assign every entry a random number and use random.org to pick the number) The Winner of The Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil VHS is......

Murphy who picked Edwige Fenech as the babysitter.

Congrats Murphy!

Thanks to all who participated in this contest. I have a few more DVDs to giveaway including Fertile Ground, Savage County and Ferocious Planet.

I should be putting up another giveaway in a few days. So check back here in a few.

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Monday, September 05, 2011

The Human Centipede (Full Sequence) - Teaser Trailer

Who knew Australia was more hardcore than Britain and the USA? It seems Tom Six's sequel to his infamous The Human Centipede (full review here) is being released uncut and uncensored down under. Those lucky blokes.

Check out the Aussie teaser trailer for THe Human Centipede Full Sequence below. No footage from the film is shown, just more reaction from supposed viewers.





Here's the original teaser with Tom Six.




What do you think? Is this movie going to be all hype or will it actually deliver the gory goodies?
I hope it goes way over the cliff in terms of insanity.

Full Sequence motherfucker!





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