Wednesday, August 31, 2011

3 Pairs of Arnold Schwarzenegger Films that are Unintentionally Connected


During Hurricane Irene, I bummed around the web looking for inspiration for a new feature. Shit, I had a few hours to burn before the hurricane-apocalypse (which turned out to be a dud). Remembering old conversations Insano Steve and I had and giving a quick glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger's filmography, one can find many instances where Arnold's films tend to blend together. [light bulb appears over head!]

Sure Arnold has made a ton of film series (The Terminator trilogy and the Conan series) but if you really think about it, some of his films are unintentionally connected. Sure I've made Arnold lists in the past (see Top 10 Villains from Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies) but bear with me as I try to connect 3 pairs of Arnold flicks and explain how they fit together.


3.) The 6th Day/The Running Man

How are they connected? The Running Man is a sequel to The 6th Day

Explain that shit: The 6th Day takes place in 2015 and if you've seen it, it's about a man named Adam Gibson who finds out somebody has cloned him and the clone has infiltrated his job and family. Gibson with the help of his clone obliterates the mad scientist and his goons and the Gibson clone decides to go out on his own to Argentina to start another branch of the charter helicopter business.

But what if the clone decided not to go to Argentina?

The Running Man is actually the Gibson clone (he's changed his name to Ben Richards because he doesn't want to be known as Gibson 2.0) and his adventures on a reality show gone amok. Oddly enough it takes place in 2017 and Richards is an ex Military pilot (ahem ahem). The two worlds are eerily similar with mad game shows, cloned pet commercials and violent football games.

Surely this can't be a coincidence right?

2.) True Lies/Eraser

How are they connected? True Lies is a sequel to Eraser

Explain that shit: Eraser was about a US Marshal (John Kruger) who "erases" the identity of a corporate whistle blower but ends up protecting her from the evil James Caan. It's clear Mr. Kruger does his job well and deserves a promotion. He's good with secrets, coming up with multiple identities for himself and his clients. So isn't it likely he got promoted because of his awesome reputation to The Omega Sector, a US terrorism task force.

True Lies continues the adventures of "The Eraser" as he uses his expert erasing skills to change John Kruger to Harry Tasker, international man of mystery. It's clearly in the same universe and not out of the realm of possibility that The Eraser erased his own identity to lead a double life.

1.) Commando/Predator


How are they connected? Commando is the sequel to Predator

Explain that shit: Insano Steve initially came up with this one and it's kinda fuckin scary how it could work. Dutch is the leader of an elite military special forces group and well yada yada yada... you know the rest. Everybody gets killed, the predator blows himself up and Arnold escapes from the island.

It's pretty traumatizing for our boy Dutch. Your best friends have been killed, you've encountered an alien life form and you barely survived. Clearly, you would want to tell people about your story about how the men under your command performed bravely against an extraterrestrial.

But the military decides to force you to retire and keep quiet about the aliens in Guatemala so you build a life, bang a Norwegian hooker, have a daughter and end up changing your name to John Matrix. I always thought Bennet killed Matrix's wife. In any case John and Jenny Matrix will live happily ever after...that is until General Kirby fuckin shows up.

That's when you start leaving bodies piled up and killing entire armies.

Somehow everything catches up to our boy Dutch/Matrix. Still suffering from post traumatic alien disorder, Dutch/Matrix deals with it the only way he knows how: obliterating Val Verde from top to bottom.

All for his little girl.

*****************************************************************
Can you think of any other connections in Arnold flicks? I've been thinking Kindergarten Cop is a prequel to End of Days (Lovable John Kimble has a tumor, quits the police force and battles Satan) but that might be stretching it a bit.

Are there any other films you know of that might be unintentional sequels or prequels to each other? Sound off fellow jaded viewers.



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Monday, August 29, 2011

Strigoi (Review)

Strigoi

Strigoi (2009)

Directed by Faye Jackson

I don't get it.

Every other reviewer seems to think this was a creative and unique take on the old Romanian legend that spawned the vampire. Maybe I have ADD and can't stand long, boring scenes of nothing. Maybe I don't get the humor in this. Maybe I don't understand why Romanians speak English. Maybe I don't get the fact the film is goofing around with a generational gap.

Maybe I just don't get this flick.


Boring Plot-O-Matic

Podoleni Village may seem like a typical Eastern European town, but when a young local named Vlad goes searching for his grandfather’s runaway dog, he uncovers a mysterious death. As Vlad digs deeper into the possible murder mystery, his trail leads him to the Tirescus — an ex-Communist couple who happen to be the richest landowners in town. Though Vlad is determined to confront the Tirescus, his quest takes a sudden detour when he learns that the two bullies may be bloodsuckers in more ways than one…

Strigoi: The Undead is a Vampire movie that defies categorization. Shedding a fantastic light on a post-Communist Romanian village, the film introduces us to an ancient myth: Strigoi, the belief that people who’ve been wronged can rise again after death to seek justice and satisfy their thirst for blood. A deeply human take on an old horror story, this dark comedy explores the old world versus the new and delves into the heart of modern Romania.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Faye Jackson's Strigoi is a British indie flick that uses the old Romanian legend of "strigoi" to get back the vampire to its roots. The central character Vlad is a young 20-ish hipster and former med student who's looking for guidance in his life. Returning to his hometown in Romania, he encounters his mom, grandpappy and a cast of townies who have a secret that they are trying to cover up.

Filled with slight goofy humor as the strigoi infiltrate the lives of Vlad, his family and the town, none if it really clicked for me. Lots of 'logue filled with generational gap humor and investigative protocol. I probably wasn't really paying attention but if the movie were interesting, I'd be on alert. None of the humor was very funny and none of the scenes were remotely memorable.

The monsters weren't really that terrifyingly funny. And running at 106 minutes, you need a good pace to keep somebody like me interested.

Maybe I missed the point, the humor and whatever was going on in this flick. I'm just going to mark it as a gap in my jaded viewer memory.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie is being released via Breaking Glass Pictures on their Vicious Circle Label. These may not be the vampires you're looking for. Move along.

The Vitals
Rating:
1/2 a

Here's the trailer.



Saturday, August 27, 2011

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program....

Well with Hurricane Irene about to hit NYC, the Jaded Viewer might be on hiatus until things all settle down and return to normal. Here's hoping this is all hype and it's not as bad as they say.

On the horizon are some screener reviews and a few more features for you to chuckle on. I'll keep you posted on this pending apocalypse and you can follow me on Twitter for any updates.

Stay safe East Coasters!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Stake Land (Review)

Stake Land

Stake Land (2011)

Directed by Jim Mickle

When I saw the trailer for Jim Mickle's Stake Land, I have to say I got excited. Mickle's Mulberry Street to me is one of the best films to come out of the lame-o After Dark Horrorfests. So after tackling zombies, the next logical step has to be vampires right?

Stake Land draws a world of post apocalyptic America filled with non sparkly vampires and religious extremism taken to it's most extreme. Comparisons to The Road meets the Walking Dead meets Red State have to be made. And these are all good things in an above average flick. Characters come first in Stake Land, with eerie scenes of a wrinkled and abandoned America coming in second and finally fight scenes coming in at bronze.

There are no 3D gimmicks or star power to drive Stake Land. That's the beauty of a straight forward genre piece by Mickle. You're here to enjoy the road trip of these rag tag strangers who are looking for the mystical New Eden. Like in all road trips, you're going to get bored a few times along the way and Stake Land does suffer from stretches of boring nothingness. Not even a hint of dialogue to get more character development.

But clearly you have to take the good with the bad. Stake Land is a safe bet, a sunny day in a world of the bloody thirsty.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned towns and cities, and it's up to Mister, a death dealing, rogue vampire hunter, to get Martin safely north to Canada, the continent's New Eden.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

No extensive review here. I'm sure you can browse through the IMDB external reviews to get what you need about plot and such. I'm going to just give you a few thoughts on the film via list form because well I can't come up with coherent sentences.
  • Mister (Nick Damici) is one badass vampire motherfuckin hunter. A tough guy's tough guy. No jokey slayer. Nuff said.
  • Martin is Daniel-son, padwan and youngling. I like how the opening credits are a freakin training montage.
  • Their one man wolfpack includes: a nun, the lovely pregnant Danielle Harris and a Marine brotha
  • I loved the backdrops of burnt out cars, houses and vampires hanging on ropes. Just great post apocalyptic scenery bordering on a Hollywood set design. This might not be to far off from the real America.
  • Jebedia and the Brotherhood seems like a extreme satire on all that is Republican religious right wing nutzoids. I know these people actually exist but in Stake Land they come out as a crazy cult bent on survival. It seem to unbelievable to me but I'll give it a pass
  • The American government and military seem so half ass in a vampire apocalyptic world. I would hope they wouldn't fold this easy.
  • The father-son relationship between Mister and Martin is solid, pretty much the driving force of the flick.
  • The action scenes are straightforward. Gunshots, slicing and dicing, stake through the hearts, yada yada yada.
  • Who dies first...the nun or the brotha?
  • The final battle is sad and sadder and saddest
  • The ending is clearly a nod to all zombie flick endings
Stake Land is indie horror with a precision pulse on the genre. A lot of indie films try to emulate a post apocalyptic world be it zombies or vampires but Stake Land is one of the few that does it right. It's a little slow at times, yes even boring at points, the characters aren't totally flushed out, a few hiccups with the plot and story but all are minor grievances in an otherwise fresh take on the vampire run amok genre.

I can only guess where Mickle will go next. Maybe werewolves? How about a regular slasher flick? Maybe even a killer shark. I can see Mickle headed towards some big budget remake and I'm praying that doesn't happen.

That would be a stake right through my fuckin heart.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

Gore-ipedia

Your standard stuff

WTF moment


Danielle Harris.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie is now out on DVD via IFC Films. I'm sure you can Netflix it or whatever. It's a good solid 140 min and has a few themes running through it for the more intellectual horror fan. You'll definitely leave feeling like you've seen a solid horror flick.

The Vitals
Rating:


Trailer



Monday, August 22, 2011

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (Review)

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2011)

Directed by Eli Craig

Sometimes looks can be deceiving and that's never been more evident in Eli Craig's Tucker and Dale vs Evil.

The fun in Tucker and Dale is that it takes the redneck/hillbilly slasher and turns it upside down. What if the hillbillies were just regular Joe Schmoes and the douchebaggy college kids were the dumb schmucks that caused 'da killin.

If you ever saw Wrong Turn, Friday the 13th. Texas Chainsaw and Hills Have Eyes films, you can grasp where this is going. It's been a while since I've seen a horror comedy that knows the genre its making fun of. All the stereotypical elements are dropped in from the music to the scary general store owner to Dale's maniacal laughter. But all are misunderstood elements that twist the hillbilly horror genre into a world of strange coincidences and full of LOLs.

It's a film that definitely holds its own in the Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland horror comedy pantheon of films. Tudyk and Labine are a comedic duo of devilish funnies. I'll say it right now. It may be the best horror comedy this year.
It hits all the right banjo notes, is awesomely quick witted and a very clever parody of redneck slashers.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Tucker and Dale are two best friends on vacation at their dilapidated mountain house, who are mistaken for murderous backwoods hillbillies by a group of obnoxious, preppy college kids. When one of the students gets separated from her friends, the boys try to lend a hand, but as the misunderstanding grows, so does the body count.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The formula is followed to the tee. Group of douchebag, frat potheads head to West Virginia (I mean seriously where else could this movie take place?) for some camping fun. You got the polo shirt (collars up) dickhead frat boy, his goofy friends, the one hot blonde chick (Katrina Bowden), the slutty girl and get this TWO! token black people (a guy and girl). They are easily spooked by their surroundings as well as our heroes Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine).

The misplaced stereotypes hit a mile a minute as our college kids think Dale is a carbon caricature of all that is redneck. But in reality Tucker, the confident thinker with dreams of a vacation home and Dale (a shy but smart bowler) are just regular folk doing regular things and somehow get caught up in a web of stupidity caused by our frightened college dweebs.

And the jokes are pure Three's Company like. From out of context conversations to Tucker yielding a smokin chainsaw, all the comedy revolves around Tucker and Dale's unfortunate events as they vacation and fix their vacation fixed upper. After they rescue Ally (the hottest blonde I have seen this year) after an accidental lake incident, she starts to realize Tucker and Dale are not what they thought they were. She and Dale bond because as you all know the fat guy always scores the hot chick.

But where Tucker and Dale shines are the ridiculous self deaths of our college kids. Impalements via trees, via sticks, via wood chipper and via gunshots are LOL hilarious. All are caused by the kids themselves with Tucker exacerbated tells the inept policeman: "Oh hidy ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property."

The movie does tend to drag a bit towards the end. A rescue goes awry and dogs are in danger. Ally goes all therapy session as Dale and Chad (our douchebaggy leader) try to talk things out. But the fiery conclusion is a bit over the top as Tucker and Dale try to rescue Ally from the clutches of Hollinger boy.

Tucker and Dale vs Evil is full of ridiculousness and genre cliches turned inside out. It works because the audience likes our heroes. Tudyk and Labine work well together acting as perfect clones of beer guzzling rednecks. Labine of course known for his work on Reaper and Mad Love (I remember him fondly for Dead Last) gives us the lovable unconfident fat guy he plays so well. Alan Tudyk (Firefly and Dollhouse 4 life!) is the perfect counterbalance to Dale. If your not a fan of The Tudyk, you will be after this flick.

Eli Craig makes this work because he knows what we look for in this sub genre. And by twizzler twisting it all around and making us root for Tucker and Dale, he's giving us a gimmick we haven't seen before. The movie has won a ton of awards via the festival circuit and a sequel is already being hinted at.

Whoever Tucker and Dale take on next is going to be in a world of hurt. Hurting from all the laughter they'll inflict to the audience.

Nude-ipedia

Katrina Bowden in skimpy outfits is hotter than any naked chicks

Gore-ipedia

Self inflicted deaths are o plenty and they are gruesomely hilarious
Impalements in various forms
Accidental fire combustion

WTF moment


The safety is off

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Tucker and Dale vs Evil will be released by Magnet Releasing and will come out on August 26th via VOD and September 30th in theaters.

This a must see for all horror fans. It's that damn good.

The Vitals
Rating:


Here's the trailer.



Friday, August 19, 2011

Help get Before The Mask: The Return of Leslie Vernon made!

The best horror movie of 2007 needs your help for a sequel and from the synopsis it looks pretty interesting. Leslie Vernon wants to do a Part 2 and as you can see in the video below he needs your help to get it done.

By pre-ordering the BluRay/DVD and buying other stuff, YOU THE VIEWER help the film get made and ensure a sequel can be greenlit. BTM: The Return of Leslie Vernon is one of the best slasher mockumentaries in recent years and for them to follow up with a sequel would be insanely awesome. By PRE-ORDERING the movie, you help to get it made.

It's funny because just recently I wrote up this post about filmmakers bribing us for money and now I'm considering actually donating to get this made. Just like Indie GoGo and Kickstarter, there is a donation structure with the most expensive being:
  • GET KILLED IN THE MOVIE! That's right every horror fans' wet dream come true! Air trans & hotel incl. Seriously low on avail. Limit 1 per person!: $7,500

  • OWN LESLIE VERNON'S OUTFIT SCYTHE & MASK! The Ultimate B4TM collector's item! VFX will make 3 that Nathan Baesel will wear during filming: $5,000
I never said these sites were a bad thing, though I questioned the ridiculous donation structures to get the fans cash. But now I can see the benefits of such a venture. I may just buy the Blu-ray to help support the film.

There has been lots of talk of supporting indie horror. This is as supportive as you can be.

Head over to the official Facebook site for more info.





Wednesday, August 17, 2011

5 Social Media Sites that would reinvent the horror movie

I've been thinking a lot how our lives have all changed with social media. I check my iPhone constantly. On the train to work, waiting for my food, on the shitter (yeah you do it, don't lie).
I'm pretty sure 95% of the people who are reading this are on Facebook. I'm betting 60% are on Twitter. Maybe 30% on Foursquare.

The funny part is that our horror movies don't reflect this. Every new horror movie you see, some poor soon to be dead schmuck is still on his Nokia flip phone. OK maybe I'm exaggerating as iPhones and Droids have popped up and touchscreens are the new cool phone (if there are appropriate product placement dollars anted up). But I figure that horror movies have always pushed the boundaries of being creative. Horror has always gone over the edge be it in their tolerance for gore or via nudity. It's the one genre where gimmicks can be experimented with to see how an audience will react.

So if I had my own studio, I'd start to try out new gimmicks. There have been preliminary attempts to incorporate social media into horror. Check out this pilot concept via Germany called Last Call where users would submit their number and one of the characters would call a random person in the theater asking for help. It's a different concept where a midnight crowd would have fun with. But I'd take it a step further.

Why not intertwine all 5 social media sites into your movie? Blend in real life with fiction. If you're thinking this sounds like an ARG (alternate reality game) you're not to far off. So I've listed below the benefits of how we could blend Web 2.0 into a horror movie. Of course this won't succeed without an actual awesome plot, colorful and interesting characters and kill scenes that are creative and inventive. And if it's a slasher film, we'll need a standout slasher with an aura of mystery. But look at the benefits these social media sites could offer. Here is what I would do.

5.) ARG

the jaded viewer says: OK not really a social media site, playing an ARG say on the official site would set the stage months before the release date of the movie. This has worked well with video games and movies already so its proven it drives interest into your film. This would be way above EA's Majestic but more in line with what ABC did with Lost or WB's The Dark Knight.

Say in order to solve a cryptic message from our killer, players had to go to real life places all around a major city or around the web. Sites would be created solely to make an intricate web of direction and misdirection. Back story could be filled in via fake sites and news articles.

The best thing an ARG does is to mix real world with fake world. Flyers in one city with a clue or a billboard in another city with another clue would build up hype like nothing that's ever been done before. An ARG is perfect for a horror movie, plain and simple.

4.) Facebook

the jaded viewer says: Obviously fake Facebook profiles are all the rage. Tons of movies have done them to create interest for their flicks. A Facebook page is one thing, but the creation of Facebook profiles and their friends from the movie would make it all seem to eerily real. This plays into the ARG of it all and tons of cool shit could be done. Weird Facebook messages left on our characters walls weeks before the "supposed events of the movie". That's some solid ARG-ing. Photos of said people would probably add some love to our characters (or fuel hatred for the haters). In any case, Facebook has to play a part in this because of its massive reach.

The best part is that you could add them as a friend and comment on their status updates. I mean obviously the Internet would be fueled by racist and dumb comments (its gonna happen) but for the people who want to play along, it's kinda cool.

3.) YouTube

the jaded viewer says: Obviously viral videos will play a part in intertwining our movie with our ARG. Footage of our characters or mock crime footage would play an appropriate part in getting the viewer intrigued. But I would take it a step further.

Just like the Last Call gimmick, I'd show a scene where our characters "discover" the footage online and the only way to see it is to go online and check it out. This would happen while watching the movie. OK OK. I know what your saying. Use your phone during a movie? WTF DUDE!!!

First the 3G would crazy explode (here's hoping WIFI can be installed in the theater). Plus who wants to fuckin start YouTubing during the movie. It's dark, its annoying and people are gonna get upset they have to do this. I'm thinking the same thing.

But KNOWING this is part of the movie would give it a cult film-ish feel. Like you're playing a part in the movie. I'm thinking you maybe could download this video before you go to the theater to avoid the massive bandwidth issues. Think if the views this video would get during each screening. I mean somebody could watch the video before they see the flick. It wouldn't make sense without any context but I'm sure a majority would go in to see the film blind and adhere to the social media rules.

It's only a problem if somebody doesn't want to play along and I think it's kinda fun to get to watch what the characters are watching and somehow piecing it all together.

2.) Foursquare

the jaded viewer says: The new kid on the block. How can checking into places be scary? Well by possibly leaving traces of where our characters are in relation to say the killer. I'm not Foursquare user but I figure somehow we can bleed Foursquare into real life locations. Maybe even use it to make fake locations where viewers can follow where our characters have been. It would also add a level of suspense by our killer or killers.

Killer X is now the mayor of the Leatherface Chainsaw factory.

or

Johnny Victim unlocked the "Being a douchebag" badge.

Clearly, I'm not really thinking this out to much but I'm sure we can make location play a factor into our movie.

1.) Twitter

the jaded viewer says: Clearly, this would be the apex of all social media tools to use in a horror movie. Viewers would follow the characters or the killer or whoever to see what they may be tweeting. And the thing is it would be a silent partner. What does that mean?

At different points in the flick, maybe during some discovery or tense scene, you'd have to check a characters Twitter account to see what's the what. The stuff happening on Twitter might be something happening off camera. I'd even go as far as when the movie premiered, it would be a live Twitter feed. I'm sure it would be hard to not check out the Twitter feed before the movie premiered. Maybe add a few tweets creating some pre-story and having that intertwine with the ARG, Facebook, YouTube and Foursquare elements.

Twitter's real timey-ness makes it a perfect tool to merge social media with horror.

*****************************************************************
Well these are just a few ideas rolling around my head. I'd like to think social media could amplify a horror movie in a way that's never been done before. I'm not that creative to come up with a story where all these things play a part but I'm sure somebody is. There have been movies where social media is a plot point in a horror movie but using the technology in a way where it blends reality/faux-reality has at least got to be attempted.

Now that I think of it, this is either the best idea I've ever had or the worst. Tweet me what you think.



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Friday, August 12, 2011

5 Horror Movies Hollywood will NEVER remake (because they don't know how to)

OK, maybe I shouldn't have said NEVER. Because knowing Hollywood, anything is possible if they think they can make a buck. Hell I was going to put Hitchcock's The Birds on this list but according to IMDB there is a remake on the way. Sigh.

I always assume Hollywood would never touch the horror classics to remake. And you'll see some are on this list. But here are 2 flicks that probably won't be remade either.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cannibal Holocaust


the jaded viewer says: No way Hollywood exploits this exploitation masterpiece. I mean its still offensive today as it was 1980. But then again, a remake of Faces of Death is on the way so I could be wrong.

Jaws

the jaded viewer says: I'm pretty sure Spielberg will never make a remake or allow a remake of his classic to ever appear on screen again. We can kinda make movies around a killer shark (ahem Shark Night 3D) or different killer fish (ahem Piranha 3D) but a whole remake with all the classic characters. Never gonna happen.

Here's the top 5.

5.) The Blair Witch Project

the jaded viewer says: Surely the classic 1st person/shaky cam/found footage originator is going to be remade at some point right? But like I say, I don't think Hollywood knows how to remake a movie where the characters are pseudo real people. You might think they'd just rewrite it a bit and show the scares we all saw in 1999. But part of the creativeness of BWP was the actors had no idea what would happen. Could Hollywood attempt to do this today? They could but it would probably turn into the campers tweeting their way into the woods.

4.) Freaks

the jaded viewer says: Just like Cannibal Holocaust, this would be waaaay offensive to remake in this day and age. Currently, Freaks is #23 on the best horror movies of all time on IMDB. Remember, real midgets and the like were cast and I'm assuming little people (I think that's what they want to be called) would absolutely freak out (see what I did there?) if this was remade. It's exploitation genius back in 1932 is now sadly a buried genre today. Hollywood knows this would be toxic, never ever to be remade.

3.) Suspiria

the jaded viewer says: Hollywood I don't think will ever remake Dario Argento's classic because well they don't have a clue about how to make Italian Giallo. And because Argento's Giallo totally went into a clusterfuck with the whole Adrien Brody thing, we'll probably never see any attempt at Hollywood to revitalize this genre. It's probably better this way as it's hard to imagine Argento allowing this to happen.

2.) The Exorcist

the jaded viewer says: Sure there have been prequels, but there has never been a mention of a whole remake of the classic. And Hollywood knows, if they fuck it up they would be totally screwed. But I don't doubt Hollywood wouldn't try it but it's hard to think they'd do it half ass. Attempting a remake would be so fuckin scary for Warner Bros. they know nothing and I mean nothing would change how we feel about the original. Every actor/actress cast, every production still, every little change to the story would be super analyzed in this Web 2.0 day and age.

Would you watch a remake of this classic? It might be the first one where viewers actually boycott a remake of a film. OK I'm probably going a bit overboard there.

1.) Brain Dead

the jaded viewer says: It's to be argued if Peter Jackson's Braindead is the penultimate zombie flick of all time. It's definitely top 5 zombie film of all time. And with zombies somehow still bankable in the Hollywood system, you would think one studio exec would be like "well we could remake Braindead. It's like on every top 10 zombie movie of all time list". It's amazing there hasn't been any rumor of this being remade.

And that's why it will probably be never remade. Because there is no possible way to remake Jackson's gore soaked classic without resorting to CGI stupidness. And if you're thinking that Jackson himself would remake his own classic (or even make a sequel) I think he's probably to big time to do it.

In any case, one of the greatest gore and splatter flicks will remain untouched from Hollywood's hands...and seriously that's a damn good thing.

**************************************************

OK am I wrong with these picks? Which of these flicks do you think has a good chance of being remade? Any other flicks you think should be on this list?

Sound off jaded viewers.




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Monday, August 08, 2011

Exit 33 (Review)

Exit 33

Exit 33 (2011)

Directed by Tommy Brunswick

Really? $20 to fill up a tank of gas?

Clearly this film takes place in bizarro world. Exit 33 is not a good movie. To say it's a piece of crap is to insult crap. I mean that poster says it all doesn't it? Kane Hodder and his menacing stare armed with a tire iron? This is the best you got for this man?

Sigh.

What could have been a Hodder Hatchet-like performance turns to crap. Exit 33 is the equivalent of Rebecca Black's "Friday" but with dead bodies. Let me use her lyrics to illustrate this:

[Verse 1]

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my jerky, gotta have it smoked
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the gas stop
Gotta kill some babes, I see my customers

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which girl can I kill?

[Chorus]

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the Hodder

[Verse 2]

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which girl can I kill?

[Chorus]

It’s Hodder, Hodder
Gotta get down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin, killin
Hodder, Hodder
Gettin’ down with Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the killin

Gettin’ down on Hodder
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Killin’, killin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the Hodder

Yesterday was a blonde girl, Thursday was a black girl
Today i-is brunette, Hodder (killin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is some random dudes
And Sunday comes after...wards (killin a hipster)
I don’t want this weekend to end

I won't include the rap verse. Wasn't that painful? Now you know.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A few miles off Exit 33 lies Ike’s Last Chance Gas, an old, forgotten hideaway where the reclusive Ike pumps gas and practices his taxidermy skills. Though he might come across as a simple soul, Ike has a dark secret: he’s obsessed with women who have enchanting eyes — eyes he wants to keep for himself. Now, as four friends make their way to their 5-year high school reunion, they all make the mistake of taking Exit 33, and they won’t be making it back to the highway any time soon.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I decided to tweet out my thoughts as I watched and hit up a couple of awesome horror bloggers Fred from Full Moon Reviews, Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, CTK from Planet of Terror and Geof at The Man Cave. Here our a few of their tweets surrounding the most important portions of the flick.

INITIAL THOUGHTS


fredthewolf: It's not a good flk at all. Hodder is the best part about it. I was bored watching it.

Mattsuzaka: It's not, but it's slightly entertaining in its ineptitude. I enjoyed it as a low-level B-Movie, that's about it (and) when I saw it had a 2.8 on IMDB, I had a good idea what I was in for!

realmancave: if you haven't watched Exit 33 yet, you are luckier than me.

THE CUSTOMERS

So Kane has kills because his dead wife tells him to or some such nonsense. However, nobody notices and Ike seems to get a ton of customers. This is summed up nicely by Matt and Fred in a few tweets.

Mattsuzaka: You have to wonder how this dude gets so much business when he certainly isn't getting repeat costumers!

fredthewolf:And no one ever wonders about the abandoned cars that park on the same spot of the road. Sigh...

THE DRIVING SCENES

Speaking of the road, the driving scenes are LOL bad.

fredthewolf: BTW, fave part were the driving scenes. Haven't seen backgrounds that good since Airplane!

planetofterror: that movie is so fucking terrible. Worst green screen scenes ever.

THE HODDER

But the reason we all watch this is for the Hodder. But it seemed like Kane was really giving much effort on this film. Here are mine and Geof's tweets on Kane's performance.

jadedviewer: I'm watching exit 33. Kodder is like giving it 13 percent effort in this flk.

jadedviewer: This Kane Hoddef flk is the "4 the paycheck" equivalent of Tony Todd doing those final destination flks

jadedviewer: Kane is just randomly punching women in the face. This should be a sitcom

jadedviewer:Kane's trademarked menacing stare just made a cameo! Oh wait his face is always like that

realmancave: Kane from WWE would have mailed in a better performance than Kane Hodder.


THE BATHROOM

More killin ensues via ocular trauma, slice and dice (you figure out where he the jerky comes from) and then our final girl shows up. This then gives our first look at the bathroom which has no stall doors, is covered in blood and filth and shit and doesn't have toilet paper!

Mattsuzaka: It reminded me of a time when I had to take a shit at a bar during a metal concert. The stall didn't have a door. That was scarier than Exit 33. Well, except for the crappy gas quality.

fredthewolf: Yeah, she was pretty hot. But I'm not into girls who use shitty toilets without paper on the seat 1st.

Suffice it to say, the only way you can get through a horrible film like this is to RiffTrax/MST3K it with some horror blogging friends. Exit 33 is boring, dull and a waste of the Hodder. If only they auto-tuned it, maybe it would have turned out better.

Nude-ipedia

A sex scene with clothes on is not acceptable under any circumstances for a horror movie

Gore-ipedia

Tom Savini is spinning in his grave (oh wait he's alive)

WTF moment


Kane punches women in the face...randomly

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie is now out on DVD via Breaking Glass Pictures horror arm Vicious Circle Films. If you need to worship the Hodder, watch it. All others don't exit on Exit 33. I gave it 1/2 a spinkick because my review is awesome because of this crappy film.

The Vitals

Rating:
1/2 a

Check out the trailer.



Friday, August 05, 2011

Asylum Seekers (Review)

Asylum Seekers

Asylum Seekers (2009)

Directed by Rania Ajami

Lock me up and throw away the key.

Now this movie was tons of crazy fun. And when I say crazy, its literally crazy. Rania Ajami's Asylum Seekers is a film I haven't seen....well ever. It's like seeing a collage of crazy and making sense of it all. It's not going to be easy but your damn pesky brain tries.

Asylum Seekers is like Terry Gilliam's Brazil but in a mental institution. It's full wacky characters, surreal sets and live neuroses blended into a slushee of awesomeness. As the jaded viewer, the name exemplifies I've seen it all and nothing on screen will surprise me. But then comes along Asylum Seekers and makes some addictive dopamine that gives my brain a happy.

Asylum Seekers is a black comedy that takes you into the world of the surreal. It's the equivalent of tripping on acid, getting stoned, doing shrooms and drinking a cold glass of lemonade on a hot summer day. While totally whacked out of your mind, you may have no idea why your naked and feeding hard boiled eggs to a statue of a seal, but you know you're having fun. That's the same feeling you get watching this film.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Work, deadlines, family, terrorism, information overload... As modern life pushes the world to the brink of madness, six strangers decide there’s only one sane response: head through the door marked EXIT. It leads to a deluxe, exclusive, luxuriously-appointed mental asylum where a staff will wait on them hand and foot for the rest of their carefree lives. The problem? The asylum has only one vacancy. Now, the group of would-be patients will have to prove who among them is truly most deranged. Of course, not everything in the asylum is as it seems, and as the applicants turn themselves over for evaluation, they learn that the insanity has just begun.

Director Rania Ajami’s boldly original feature-length debut is a surreal black comedy that questions the ways we define what is normal and what is not. Asylum Seekers takes its characters – and the audience – deep into the rabbit hole to a place where sanity is not an option.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

Our six insane in the membrane lunatics are all vying for a chance for that comfy bed and a place in The Asylum. They all each have unique disorders that cry out for help. We have Paul "the evangelical nihilist," Maude "the trophy mouse wife," Alan "the gender bender refuge", Alice "the cybernetic Lolita", Miranda "the introverted exhibitionist" and Raby, "the virgin nymphomaniac". Each member will be judged during their time in the asylum by Nurse Millie and her staff plus Dr. Beard, the all knowing honcho who echoes his voice through loudspeakers planted all over the building.

Now in a contest to claim the spot, each of the contestants wrestles with their neuroses with each other, with the staff and in a room of curiosity. Later, they duel out in a mock American Idol competition with stage performances and concoct their own plans to narrow down the competition. But what's a mental institution without loading up their patients full of drugs and experimenting on their subconscious by turning their heads into animals right?

It's just this amount of wacky that echoes an Alice in Wonderland style of eccentricity that makes the movie all out bonkers. What stands out are the production sets that are a saturation of vivid reds and greens and blues. Each room is unique from a mild mannered tile bathroom, to a makeshift bar to a waiting room where you well....wait. The costumes are each a delight when mixed in with the background. Alice our compu-nerd-holic (played by super hottie Stella Maeve) cosplays an awesome Sailer Moon outfit with a yellow tie. Miranda glows in green and Alan in super duper pink. It's a clash and contrast of rainbow visuals that makes for a stellar dreamlike quality. M&Ms meets Inception.

The cast does a stellar job of showing off the crazy. The movie focuses on Raby and Maude later in the flick and shows off some back story for each character. However, with such an ensemble like this, I'd like to have seen all our patients stories when they were on the outside. Being crazy in an asylum is one thing, but being nuts on the outside is like infinity times better.

And now we come down to the jokes. There are a few one liner zingers that had me cracking up "How do you have 0.4 kids?" Most of the LOLs and Hahas work but other's don't. There are moments of zzzzzzzzz and a few jokes that are clearly out of place. As much as I like completely banana characters, some of the musical numbers, dance numbers and one act numbers probably would have been funny in an off off off Broadway play.

But those are nitpicks to an otherwise insanely LEGEN wait for it DARY film. From impromptu karoake singing to oversized animal heads, Asylum Seekers might be the box office juggernaut in Wonderland. It has a hint of romanticism, a dash of wackiness, a nutmeg of linear saneness and a smidge of twisty twizzlers. I honestly have never seen anything like it and for that I'm glad. Ajami's first feature length film is a blast of creativity and fun. I'm looking forward to what she will do next.

A comedy like this needs to be seen. It has some of the most bizarre and WTF moments and like a hypnotic spell it's mesmerizing to watch just to see what would happen next. To put it another way, Asylum Seekers is exactly what I think a Lady Gaga dream looks like.

Nude-ipedia

I thought I saw side boobage. It could have just been porn I was looking at before I saw this film.

Gore-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment


Dr. Beard is revealed

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The movie comes out on August 30th via Breaking Glass Pictures. It's about 90 minutes of the most shock therapy happy you'll get this year. I didn't have big expectations going into seeing Asylum Seekers but it totally blew me away.

I'm now picking up the pieces.

It may take some time but Asylum Seekers is bound for cult classic status. Hopefully we all discover this sooner than later.

The Vitals
Rating:


Check out the trailer.


Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Kickstarter/Indie GoGo: Are filmmakers bribing us for money?

I've been perusing KickStarter of late reading on what I could get if I donate funding for a film. You know how it goes, donate $1 get your name on the website. Donate $50 get a signed DVD or something. Donate $500 you can a blowjob from all the female cast members (including Grandma Holly)

It's not even the projects that I'm really interested in. It's the shit they attach to the donation amounts. I find the stuff they giveaway just out right hilarious. Like this one from Emma Caulfield who played Anya from BtVS. She wants to make a comic of some sort and is asking for $7000. For $40 you get "A signed photo of Emma in her famous, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Bunny Suit, holding a sign saying thank you, with your name on it" (that's kinda cool).

I like the one's for films where if you donate like some crazy, ludicrous amount like $2500-$5000 dollars they'll give you a role or you'll be an extra in the film. I started thinking if I did this I would so have to document my experience. Sometimes the exception is you have to pay for your flight and hotel to get to the shooting location. Really? I donated 5 grand and I still gotta pay for my plane ticket? If I donated that much I'd want a damn speaking role.

Now this is crazy. Remember that low budget horror flick Thankskilling? Well they are looking to make a sequel. Holy shit. Check this out. There are 3 backers for the $10,000 dollar donation. This is what you get:

And for the first time ever -- CHOOSE WHEN YOU WANT THANKSGIVING! You pick the time, date, and location...and we bring you this -- the ULTIMATE THANKSKILLING PARTAAAAY! Available cast & crew will come to your hometown, office, frat house, church (uh, yeah), etc for a PRIVATE SCREENING, Q&A, and THANKSGIVING FEAST! Gather everyone from your high school or college to raise the money to get us there, and we'll bring tons of prizes and help pack the house! This would be an absolute blast!

The filmmakers are gonna have to throw this party 3 times! And you know some of the people you want to come won't show up.

See if I donated to this indie horror movie called Alpha Girls, I'd want a slumber party with the actresses. I feel if your going to bribe me into giving you money, I need the best case scenario. I find these sites are useful to fund your movie. The fans now have the power to back projects they like. But it feels all dirty doesn't it? These artists are pandering to US to give them cold hard cash in exchange for something of lesser value. Is $5000 dollars worth a speaking role in a film or getting killed by a crazy turkey where you are in the film for 3 seconds?

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the fact that the fans are direct contributors to these projects. But I question the price these filmmakers are asking. It's an interesting concept and I'm sure there are pros and cons for sites like KickStarter and IndieGoGo.

But in any case, I want to know what you think of these KickStarter and IndieGoGo pledges. Have you donated to anything on KickStarter or IndieGoGo? How was your experience? Do you dig the fact that you can get something cool for your donation? Or are you skeptical about what you get in exchange for your donation?

Sound off! I want to hear both sides of the argument!

Monday, August 01, 2011

A Jaded Viewer Giveaway: The House of the Devil Collectable Clamshell VHS

After a few weeks of voting, the most requested item for the giveaway was by far The House of the Devil VHS Collectable. It garnered 19 votes and I don't need any more time to make it the featured item in this jaded viewer giveaway.

I reviewed this film waaaaay back when. Babysitter meets the devil flick. I gave it 2 spinkicks. I kind of liked Babysitter Wanted a little bit better but I can't be to harsh with this flick. I mean Ti West created a solid throwback babysitter horror nostalgia flick and put it out in VHS form which is uber cool to say the least.

This VHS clamshell collectable is pretty awesome. It's just the clamshell and the VHS tape inside. Nothing else. But it's pretty damn cool if you have a VCR (which I don't). I always say it's best to give to those who do (....have a VCR...really? You have one? Kudos)

So what do you need to do to enter this giveaway? Simple. Leave your name and e-mail address and name a celebrity that you want to be your babysitter for one night.

I'll get it started and say I'd love my babysitter to be Ellen Page. (Ahhh you thought I'd go with the sexy bombshell nymph didn't you?) I figure me and Ellen would just chill, eat some popcorn and watch some Canadian horror. And you know plank around the house. I hear she loves the planking.

Simple right? At the end of August I'll randomly pick a name from all the entries and BOOM SHAKA LAKA, we got a winner. Well here's the trailer for The House of the Devil. Enter the giveaway via the comments!