Friday, May 27, 2011

A Disoriented Recollection of NYC Haunted House (Spring Edition)


Check out my review of Blackout Haunted House 2012!

PROLOGUE

It's not often that on a nice sunny day in May, you get to experience a "haunted house". I say haunted house in quotes because Vortex Theater's NYC Haunted House is not your typical haunted house. What it is, well it's kinda beyond description. But that's a cliched answer I know. Suffice it to say, you're not walking from room to room with actors scaring you . No No. This crew has no need for elaborate sets (though what was to come would change all that), haunted house themes or anything else. There is no giggling, no screaming (well actually there was) and no rushing from room to room. Vortex Haunted House sets up what I am calling "a personal horror interactive experience".

In their spring version which remotely resembles their Halloween version, you go through the experience alone and you can't share the fear with others. In a nutshell, this "haunted house" is more like experiencing an interactive horror anthology composed of disturbing vignettes. The deal is you play the part of the "victim" kinda but not totally like the poor guy or girl who in every horror movie has to suffer at the hands of a insane slasher or a family of sadists. Playing part of the sadists is Vortex Theater. The twist here is you're PAYING for this privilege of being the torturee.

Having experienced NYC Halloween Haunted House last October (full walkthrough here) I believed I had a good grasp of what was to come. But the journey to last Saturday's events was just as fun as the event itself. You can check out the online ARG journal I composed here. This will give you the idea of the e-mails that were sent so you could get an opportunity to take part in this off season event.

So here's the deal. Reading about what happened won't really give you any idea of what it was actually like. I've decided to give you a moment by moment perspective of what was happening and what I was thinking and feeling. Every moment was a WTF moment but each scene seemed to have a designed and desired emotional response they were going for. YOU ARE THE STAR of this horror freakshow and all I can say is I had fun playing Victim #5.

So here we go.

THE EXPERIENCE


Basically I was told to meet at a certain area in Chelsea (a neighborhood in NYC). Greeted by one of the creators I had to sign a waiver/consent form plus read the part of the disclaimer on camera! Clearly, this was more paperwork and consenting from the previous haunt. I stumbled on the word indemnity. I still have no idea what that means.

Once signed, the experience begins. Told to enter the back of a van, I'm greeted by 2 men dressed in black (like they were 60's Batman henchmen). They order me to sit towards the edge of the van. I assume I'm suppose to do something and I keep handing them the keys but they don't move. This game I signed up for is deadly serious to them and they keep in character. Handed a blindfold I wrap it around my head but then am doubly blindfolded and noise cancelling headphones are placed over my ears.

The van ride was rough and as I sat there blindfolded listening to staticky AM radio that echoed throughout the van I have to admit I wondered where exactly we'd be going. It's a disorienting feeling to ride around not knowing the destination. This may be close to a kidnapping feel I may ever get. This little ride around the city was a new twist and it's a good one. I kept my composure and as the van stopped, I knew this was only the beginning.

Told to exit the van (still blindfolded) I was told to follow the sound of my mysterious guides voice to an entrance. The first thought that popped into my head was I must look completely crazy to innocent bystanders who are just walking around the city that day. Here is a kid, blindfolded walking with his arms out like a mummy. The funny thing about partaking in an experience like this is that you still are concerned about how you may look to others. Did I look like a fool to random pedestrians? To the Vortex crew? Of course I looked like a complete moron! It should be the least of your concerns at that moment but the fear of being embarrassed or looking ridiculous is one we have everyday and I'm sure I'd even do a double take if I saw what was happening.

I now enter what I believe is a warehouse and I am told to remove the blindfold. As I do, garage door shutters which were gleaming in pulsating afternoon sunlight were sent crashing down and now I'm in complete darkness. For a second, I felt like I was in the umpteenth Saw sequel. Fuckin Jigsaw. I can see this new space is filled with piles of junk and right in front are 2 more men in cat burglar suits with candles lit in a circular fashion. My initial thoughts were, this looks devilishly Satanic. And on the day of the supposed Rapture, it echoed a little harder.

What they asked me to do next was probably the BIG turning point for all who participated. They asked for me to remove all my clothing and put on a hospital gown and rubber shoes that lay next to it. I sort of hesitated at first and couldn't believe at what I just heard. I knew yelling the safe word was not an option. I had paid a good deal of money to go through this ENTIRE experience and a little case of nudity was not going to derail me from this goal. I undressed, put my clothes into a basket and put on the gown and shoes. After this was done I was told to sit in a chair which lay in the center of a dozen candles. One by one, the men blew out the candles.

What would happen next? I assumed they'd plan a nice mock Satanic ritual here. And my instincts were right. They then smothered a wet, sticky liquid on my arms, legs and neck. It was a little disconcerting as they did this. The liquid was cold, icky and dreadful. Thoughts of Druids and ritual chanting were entering my head. It had to be the horror fan in me developing possible scenarios of what would happen next. But the most distinct feeling that I had was one of being 100% vulnerable to anything. I had no clothes, no cell phone and no level of safety or comfort. Sure I knew this was all an act but 70% of your mind and body start to make it feel real. It's sort of like your dreaming and you know it's a dream but it feels real.

More blindfolds more darkness. Oddly this felt familiar (as it was a gimmick used in the October haunt) But I knew this wouldn't be the same old stuff. Random touching, shoving and yelling. Then nothing. Just silence. It was an iambic pentameter of dread. Ordered to scream. I never ever scream. I scream. I follow orders because that's in the rules. My mind wanders and all I think about are the rules. I'm not suppose to speak. Suddenly I'm hands are handcuffed. My arms are lifted and the handcuffs are on a rope of some kind. My wrists are now getting irritated. It's a uncomfortable position, standing handcuffed to a rope above your head in total darkness. I actually feel slightly scared.

And now I feel a rope around my neck.

I can honestly say this was the first time I felt completely terrified. Something about strangulation doesn't sit well with me. Handcuffed, naked and helpless. I felt for the first time things were out of my control. It's an eerie feeling. 90% of you know it's not real but that pesky 10% is louder than the rest of the voices. Your body is saying "YO DUDE! YOU BEING STRANGLED! YOU SHOULD REALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS SHIT!". Who knows if a NYHH production PA had an argument with his significant other and he wants to take it out on strangers. I paid them to strangle me?? I'm a sick motherfucker. Then nothing.

Bust out WTF Moment #2 and all that can be said is I got mouthraped. Yeah you heard that right. Latex gloves, voices telling me to open my mouth and wiggling figures are being inserted down my throat. I start gagging (because HOLY FUCK! it's a reflex action you know?). It seems to go on for a while. Like Dr. Giggles decided to check for cavities. It's a double whammy and it was a convulsion of fear and a bit of anger. But in the back of my mind, I'm clearly impressed by it all. Then silence again and an order to go to the next room.

Holy fuckin rapture, these guys tripled the intensity from last October's haunt. My preconceived notions of mild touching and being lazily pushed around were gone. These guys had gone Hostel 1 and 2 hardcore. They got degrees in asphyxiation and dental surgery. It's not everyday you get actually physically abused. I was completely caught off guard and was a little angry. Somebody does that to you, the first instinct is to retaliate. Emotion and logic were having a field day in my head. This time logic prevailed and I remembered: I PAID FOR THIS.

Now handed a lit candle I enter a next room and am told to sit in a chair. The only light source is my candle and I see a woman, a completely naked woman with dark curly hair staring at me a few feet away. I also hear a sound of an infant, making noises and crying. My first instinct is to see WTF is going on and I put the candle a little closer to the woman. She is dripping blood from all orifices. It's quite a sight (from what I can tell). She movies closer to me and saddles up on top of me. It's like Hostel strip club. She suddenly digs out what I believe to be fetus entrails (wow I can't believe I actually wrote that) and starts to stuff them into my mouth I turn my head and she starts smearing it all over my face.

Probably to a serial killer, this is a very arousing experience but I'm clearly disgusted and grossed out. I am definitely not scared but a little weirded out. In the past haunt, nakedness was displayed in a fucked up Skinemax sort of way. But seeing an impromptu abortion will make even the hardcore gorehound cringe. The fact that this is happening to me front and center has made it feel more real than anything I've ever seen. I've watched countless horror movies and have seen some pretty disturbing shit (newborn porn in A Serbian Film comes to mind) but I'm aghast at being present in a make-believe sexually deviant sideshow. However, in the back of my mind a little part of me is going "Holy fuckin shit, this is fuckin awesome!"

After the unfortunate planned parenthood event, I'm told to head to another section of the funhouse of fucked up funhouses and see a girl push a basket towards me. She is completely naked and only wearing pants from what I can make out. She hands me the lit candle and tells me to put on my clothes. Obviously, my modesty juts its head but Ms. Topless doesn't turn around. I quickly put on a shirt and search frantically for my pants. The naked girl eerily creaks out "Would you like your pants?" I nod my head.

She starts unbuttoning her pants which I now realize are my jeans. I move the lit candle and see that something is written on her stomach right below her breasts. The night before, we had e-mailed NYHH an emergency contact name and number and answered a few questions. I had put down my father's number (you know just in case they electrocuted my balls or some shit and they needed to call somebody because I passed out from the pain). Now scrawled on her stomach was "I fucked [My Dad's name]".

I have to admit, I smirked and giggled a bit. I mean a very hot looking girl who now had removed my jeans and now was completely naked had fucked my dad. It's quite a sight. I mean it's technically not scary. It's a mixture of WTF and peculiar exotica. Clearly, this is not the time to ask hot naked stranger girl if she wants to get some coffee. My mind was clearly focused. I wanted to get dressed. Hell she is probably comfortable being naked in front of strangers in a dark damp warehouse but I'm not. I've got my pants on (unbuckled), my Museum of the Weird - Austin, Texas t-shirt on and a hooded sweatshirt. And that's when I'm rushed out into the blinding light.

I get pushed out of the building and I don't have my sneakers! Also, I'm missing my hat which I now realize somebody has thrown into a fuckin puddle (thanks guys!). My sneaks are dropped in front of me and I'm told to put on my shoes but my eyes are now adjusting to the sunlight having not seen it for what I can tell is about half an hour. I put on my sneakers leaning against the white van seen previously. I am then handed a index card with 3 dots, told to give it to the ice cream man in the green ice cream truck and to get a treat. And it's at this point, I assess the damage.

I've try to straighten myself out. I've got blood on my hands and I can tell it's on my neck and face. My hat is filthy and I try to dust it off. I stand behind another customer (a tall black man) as he orders an ice cream. He's looking at me, then checks out the selection of ice cream. He then checks back at me. I think this dude thought I was going to murder him for his ice cream in broad daylight. I mean what would you think of a man with blood over his mouth, neck at hands was behind you at an ice cream truck?

I get my ice cream (I picked a lemon/lime icee) and was told to walk down the street. I'm not sure where to go next. Suddenly my Spider-sense is tingling and in the corner of my eye I see a dude and takes my ice cream and puts a t-shirt over my head yelling "It's never over!". I'm confused at this point. I have a black t-shirt on my head and a spoon in my right hand. So I walk to the end of the block and enter some sort of feather art exhibit. The art patrons must have been confused by this man who obviously broke out of Bellvue. I walk around the art exhibit and decide to remove the t-shirt from my head which I realize is a shirt with 3 dots on it. Holy shit it's a souvenir!

I figure I should check with the ice cream man for further directions but then I spot a PA who's laughing. I ask him so is it over? He says yes, still chuckling. I realize I have the blindfold in my pocket and give it to him.

Fin.

THE AFTERMATH

Walking home I receive a few looks from the residents of Chelsea. I stare into a parked car's window to see what I must look like and I look awful. I use the t-shirt to wipe away the faux blood but this shit ain't coming off. It's not until I get to a Starbucks do I wash away the last remnants of the mid-spring nightmare.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is kinda the amped up sequel and it was intense and more crazy just due to the naked thing. Vortex Theater clearly are masters at pushing the boundaries of the supposed "haunted house". It's a psychological mind fuck within a pseudo snuff experience. The content NYHH came up with were sick and twisted. The actors and especially the actresses must be from a cast of fringe theater to muster this performance. But kudos to them. They all acted as menacing and as crazy and their performances were again top notch.

If I am calling Vortex Theater sick and twisted I must say the same has to be said about me and my fellow 19 participants. We volunteered and paid for complete strangers to torture us. I feel like all 20 of us lucky (unlucky?) participants should meet and go through therapy. "Hi my name is XXX and I'm addicted to paying to be tortured and humiliated by a group of strangers."

So who's really more sick and twisted?

But I did have a few gripes. I felt it lacked the POW! factor from October. Maybe it's because last year was my first NYHH but there were a few elements in that experience that worked so well. Crawling down a tube with a supposed dead body which was scary the first time wasn't part of the Spring haunt. Also, I'm not sure what the point of the blood was. To freak out people as I walked home?

Also in October, you were told to grab a rope to help guide you in the darkness. Somehow, this served a purpose psychologically. The participant seemed to have a initiative within the house. Something we could latch on to. What the Spring event seemed to lack was a sense of involvement or motivation. People love to figure something out on their own. An ARG so to speak. If I had a chance to navigate on my own with possible clues of what to do next, I would have felt like I was a real VICTIM of this twisted nightmare. Instead, I was moved from place to place. I just expected a little more creativity on what I needed to do within the experience, like something for us to do to make it feel like we were motivated to escape from this warehouse of horrors. Maybe some made up back story?... I just don't know.

Finally, was the nakedness needed? It did up the ante and make you feel as vulnerable as you could be. I did feel helpless. Being partially naked, handcuffed to a rope and being strangled was the most terrifying part of the entire thing for me. But in this germ-phobic society of ours, one can ask was everything completely sanitary? I hope so. I wouldn't change the gratuitous nudity on either side (I'm all for it!) but it's a little disconcerting and you have to trust everything was on the up and up.

As for an overall feel, it's top notch. Audience participation at its most extreme. I loved the fact I was playing a part in this interactive horror movie. The 20 of us who paid for this must be insane but that's kind of why we went. As for the execution, some of it was stellar (the van, the security gate, the handcuffed naked strangulation (i can't believe i just wrote that). They do know how to startle you with gratuitous nudity.

NYCHH made a true horror sequel. More extreme rules, more gore, more splatter, more gratuitous nudity and more psychological mind fucks. It's an experience I won't soon forget. I've already told my friends and they all don't believe that this really happened.

Am I still dreaming? They did say it's never over.

The top is still spinning.

Oh fuck.

For more information on Vortex Theater's NYC Halloween Haunted House check out the links below.

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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Cory Udler's Mediatrix (Teaser Trailer)

Cory Udler, the mastermind behind the sick and depraved Incest Death Squad movies just released the teaser trailer for his latest flick, Mediatrix.

So what's this about?

It is the story of Mary Ann Van Hook-false spiritualist who parlays her manipulation skills into wealth, power and even her own cult of followers.

Kinda vague but one can only look at the IMDB keywords to know what we are in for.

Brainwashing? Yup. Pedophilia? Yah. Self Mutilation? Fuck yeah! And of course Rape.

The film also stars Viscera Film Festival/Chainsaw Mafia founder and Fangoria Magazine's 2009 Spooksmodel, SHANNON LARK as "The Virgin Mary". Kaylee Williams (Slices of Life) stars as "Carrie". The movie also features Tom Lodewyck, Greg Johnson, Melissa Murphy and Michael Katzenberger (all stars of the Incest Death Squad Series).

Udler says: "This is a true indie exploitation movie that pulls no punches, makes no excuses and holds nothing back".


Check out the teaser trailer below.



For more info about the flick.....

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Monday, May 23, 2011

Beach Spike Trailer shows us Hong Kong is just as shallow as America

When Hollywood conjures up ways to somehow show beautiful hotties in bikinis, they usually put them in surfing or cheerleading movies. It's pretty much standard now. When they really think the audience won't care, they also like insert these hotties in tight leather and parade them as super secret agents, fledgling singers or dance street competitors. Regardless of the case, you know the movie somehow will involve a boy, a hardship that has to be overcome and some sort of life lesson learned.

But lets be real.

As much as we'd like to think these camouflaged chick flicks are designed to get women to see their life problems addressed, they are aiming for that 18-34 year old male demo as well. Remember that rom-com starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston? Nope? Do you remember it also starred Brooklyn Decker in a bikini? See now you do.

It's not too hard.

Well rest assured the Hong Kong film industry also likes to parade their young and beautiful hotties and put it into movies where they have to do what's right. In this case, 2 attractive beach volleyball girls defend their beach from ruthless developers. But the twist here is they learn kung fu to aid them to victory. Yeah it echoes Shaolin Soccer alot but there be boobies bouncing around in this.

First check out the plot:

(via BeyondHollywood.com)

Hong Kong’s Paradise Cove is like Venice Beach on the South China Sea, a haven of tanned bikini-clad Asian babes, bronzed bodybuilder types, artists, surfers, musicians, beach bums? Chrissie (Chrissie Chau) and Kim (Theresa Fu) are two of Paradise’s sunniest spirits, working at the restaurant of their kung fu master uncle Tao (Lo Man) and taking on all comers in lively beach volleyball matches. One day, a shadow falls on this apparently endless summer: The wealthy Bu Family plans to turn the beach into a playground for the rich, banishing the young, poor and fun-loving. Mrs. Bu’s two arrogant Eurasian daughters, Porsche (Jessica C) and Phoenix (Phoenix Valen) challenge Chrissie and Kim to a volleyball match, and our heroines suffer a humiliating defeat.

The two Eurasian vixens lay down a challenge: if the two local girls enter and win the upcoming All Hong Kong Women’s Volleyball tournament, Mrs. Bu will revise her plans to further develop the area. Though they accept the challenge, Chrissie and Kim feel they have little chance of winning the tournament, until Tao teaches them superior kung fu skills that can be applied to the volleyball court.

After surviving their training under Tao, the girls get to test their newfound skills both on and off the sand. Comedy, curves and kung fu collide in a fast-paced actioner in the madcap martial arts tradition of? Shaolin Soccer. And Kung Fu Hustle.

Now let's whet your appetite with some stills.

(via Twitchfilm)

We're like your typical Eurasian hot girls. We love stacking chairs!


She's got a good grip on that ball. Go team go!

It's a staredown! The evil bitchy volleyball hottie is like "I'm taller and have a bigger cup size!" If this was America, she'd be a brunette with a tattoo.


Finally, here is the trailer with gratuitous slo-mo bouncing boobies...errr I mean volleyball action. I like how their is a Miyagi figure and a nerd and fat guy for comic relief. I think Chrissie Chau is my new favorite Hong Kong pseudo model of all time.




Clearly a film like this has only one goal in mind when it gets released. But it goes to show you Hollywood and HK know how the male mind works. Sure you don't want to see the beach be turned into a resort, but I'm still hypnotized by the in game action.

And to all the dudes, you know you flipped on ESPN and checked out beach volleyball for that. Well that and the other thing.

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Friday, May 20, 2011

NYC Halloween Haunted House: Invite Only Spring Edition (The Buildup)


It may be 164 days until Halloween but I get to experience a haunted house right in middle of the Spring. I was one of 20 or so lucky participants who'll get to partake in Vortex Theater's NYC Haunted House Spring edition. If you haven't heard of them before check out my review and walkthrough.
Vortex Theater put on a helluva ARG to get to this point. They first mentioned that invites would go out in early March via their Facebook. Then if you were lucky enough to get picked you started receiving the following e-mails.
  • 3/21: 3 e-mails with one dot each were sent.
  • 3/25: An e-mail with an image that read: "...You've been Chosen" was sent. Go here to view the image.
  • 4/1: An e-mail explains: "there are only twenty spots available and sixty-two people invited. so when it starts, it will go fast" Also included was a video: this link.
  • 4/13: An e-mail with the rules: Check them out below.

RULES:

1. FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS AT ALL TIMES.

2. YOU WILL BR PROMPTED TO DO CERTAIN ACTIONS, (i.e. "sit down", "stop", "move forward") PLEASE DO EXACTLY AS YOU'RE TOLD.

THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS, YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE.

3. DO NOT EVER TOUCH THE ACTORS.

4. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SPEAKING, SCREAMING, OR NOISE OF ANY KIND TOLERATED WHILE INSIDE.

5. YOU MUST WALK THROUGH ALONE.

** If we believe that you are not alone or you have someone trailing you, we will stop and you will have to leave. **

6. If you have an emergency and need to stop, please say the word “SAFETY” as loud as you can. The experience will stop and you will be escorted out with no refund. Once you call “SAFETY”, the experience is over. No exceptions.

  • 4/15: An e-mail with the location is given. It mysteriously says: "start: Chelsea end: a different part of chelsea"
  • 4/22: An e-mail states a unique code will be given to purchase tickets. The date is given: May 21st.
  • 4/27: An e-mail with YOUR unique code is sent.
  • 5/2: An e-mail explaining how to put in a special code is given.
The entire online ARG was a pretty brilliant way to get you in the mood. An online haunt if you will. The price I must admit was a little steep but they explained in the last e-mail: "these off-season events are now more intricate and elaborate and consequently require a higher price - and trust us, it's worth it."

So there ya have it. The entire buildup was eerily planned and I am one of only 20 people who'll get to experience this unique haunted house in May.

But here's the deal. You'll get to experience it with me. My scheduled time is Saturday, May 21st at 3:45pm. I'll be tweeting as I go along (probably not during the experience but definitely before and after the haunt).

So you can follow along on the jaded viewer's journey by following me on Twitter @jadedviewer. I'll also be posting my thoughts on the jaded viewer Facebook page.

I'll be writing up walkthrough and spoiler review next week as well!

Seriously if it was like last year's Halloween haunt, I'm fuckin scared shitless. If you don't hear from me after this post well....you know what to do.

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Pornstars in horror films: Yay or Nay?

Yes I'm posing that question to you all. Is it a good thing or does it make a indie horror film better when their is a pornstar in it?

The most recent pornstar cameo in a horror film has gotta be Riley Steele's performance in Piranha 3D. The movie itself was awesome and somehow her appearance fit in with the Girls Gone Wild theme. But I've noticed a trend of late of pornstars being top billed on indie horror flicks like somehow we're going to flock to theaters or q up the Netflix because hot Pornstar A is in it.

Really? I mean really? It's obvious this type of casting is done to get more exposure for your indie horror film. But aren't you already sabotaging your film by making it "XXX Pornstar's first mainstream film!" What a disservice it is if the film might actually be good. Yeah right.

We can see these girls in action with a click of our mouse. Do I really need to see them half naked screaming with blood oozing down their heaving chest...umm I'll be right back.

Where are those tissues?

OK I'm back.

Below you'll find the invasion of pornstars in indie horror flicks. The one's below showcase the pornstar with actual speaking lines and who have a significant part in the film. Not like a Jenna Jameson cameo for like 5 secs.

What do you think?

The most recent......

Title: Bloodlust Zombies
Pornstar: Alexis Texas
The Jaded Viewer says: She's covered in blood as expected and somebody acknowledges a dancing naked lady. Really?
This is the 2nd time Breaking Glass Pictures has distributed a flick like this.




Title: Half Moon
Pornstar: Tori Black
The Jaded Viewer says: OMG I reviewed this film. Check out my review here. It's so bad, it's like the anti-Viagra. The first flick via BGP I know of with a pornstar hyped as the lead. Sigh.





Title: Smash Cut
Pornstar: Sasha Grey
The Jaded Viewer says: Sasha Grey's acting seems so slacker-ish. Like she's disinterested in whatever she's doing. It's probably because she's not use to acting without something in her mouth.





Title: Piranha 3D
Pornstar: Riley Steele
The Jaded Viewer says: Review of the flick here. Riley Steele fits into her role here actually perfectly. And that skinny dipping scene....just pure gratuitous naked awesomeness.




So pornstars in horror films: yay or nay? Chime in via the comments.

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Monday, May 16, 2011

Ninjas vs Vampires (Review)

Ninjas vs Vampires

Ninjas vs Vampires (2010)

Directed by Justin Timpane

Well let me first say I never saw Ninjas vs Zombies, Justin Timpane's first cult film. Maybe that's a good thing as I can judge Ninjas vs Vampires without any baggage.

Clearly a film with a title like this makes you think you're going to see some SyFy smoke and mirrors bad CGI, bad acting and incoherent plot. And that's not to far off from the truth. Ninjas vs Vampires is a b-movie low budget spectacle with mediocre CGI, quirky acting and an incoherent plot. But all of what's above is what makes it likable.

I wouldn't go as far as to call it "It's so bad, it's good" but what I will say is it's got a DIY indie spirit that pushes it into a Rebecca Black Friday likable. Ninjas vs Vampires is a pop culture machine of funness. It never takes itself to seriously, zings in cleverly clever one liners and has some not too shabby fight scenes. Bringing in the elements of the kung fu film with the retardedness of the cliched vampire genre, NvV is a cult classic for the horror fan who thinks they've seen it all.

Score one for Team Ninja.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Ninjas battle vampires for the fate of the world in this all new Action-Horror-Comedy from the creators of 2010’s cult smash, Ninjas vs. Zombies! Moments after down-on-his-luck Aaron is rejected by the girl of his dreams, they both are attacked by blood-sucking vampires. Driven to save her, Aaron tracks down the mysterious ninjas, who wage a nightly war against the forces of darkness. Now, as the vampire overlord Seth plots to destroy mankind, Aaron has only one choice - join the ninjas, save the world, and get the girl... or die trying.

Sexy, funny, shocking, and bloody, Ninjas vs. Vampires delivers an action-packed comedic adventure unlike any other!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Well a standard review would be pretty much be boring. So I'm going with random Karate Kid and Buffy quotes to get you in the mood of the film.

"Get him a body bag! Yeah!"

Seems like we our BFF's Aaron and Alex stumble unto a full on war between vamps and ninjas. One begs to question if this is what happens everyday in Suburbia, America. I like to think a daily war happens between these two groups at the Hot Topic.

"To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?"

The vamps are straight out of the Joss Whedon rejected characters list. Your typical Anne Rice metrosexual, his horny whore, a few Jay and Bob rejects, some Phantom of the Opera dollar store dweebs and a "I'm a crazy homicidal vamp guy". Plus vampire henchman.

"Wax on, wax off"

So our ninjas are of the non asian variety. I mean I figure asians trained in karate are in short supply in the indie horror world. Their's your Willow clone witch, 2 Caucasian Akira's, an ex vampire (see like Spike!) and our new recruits.

They get inducted and we're off to fight the vamps.

"We like to talk big. Vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people, billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs."

So the vamps have some sort of plan, set traps and want some sort of amulet. It's not really important. What is is how when our vamps battle our ninjas, we get our standard supply of Blade fire poofing. Lots of CGI done on a Mac here. Lots of sliced legs, punctured CGI blood and vamps going all flamey combustion.

Some of it is indeed laughable but you start to realize what kind of movie you're watching. OK guys, read this because it's technically important part of the review.

Ninjas vs Vampires is a b-movie horror fandom flick made my horror fans who love b-movie horror flicks. Timpane, his crew and his actors homage all the genre films and make fun of the one's they loathe. From insults of "sparkling vampires" to quotable quotes uttered in a Scooby Gang fashion, it's a love letter to kung fu flicks and vampire cheesiness.

And you either buy into watching this fan made film or you don't. We've all watched our share of fan made shorts, trailers and films on YouTube. This one is just done more professionally, relatively speaking.

"Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?"

But of course that doesn't mean it's all happy skippity doo. The dialogue is clever but the actors don't seem to have the comedic timing I was hoping for. Sure you'll get a chuckle on a few one liners but mostly it's a rushed indie blockbuster film with lots of ambition. The movie was made in some dude's house (maybe without their knowledge!) and their isn't a lick of gratuitous nudity (well somebody was gonna ask)

I sometimes don't understand why a low budget indie has to order the complete package of cheesy CGI, ridiculous costumes and over the top dialogue. Or wait...is that the point? Is that intentional? Hmmm I'd like to know. Did they want to go in that direction to make it more funny. Hell even BtVs look kinda bad compared to todays CGI.

In any case, Team Ninjas prevail in the end and a double kicker sets up another sequel.

I'll admit, I didn't get bored watching Ninjas vs Vampires. It has some delicious hotties to look at, has some adept fighting scenes and a few ha ha's that make it tolerable. It's a little ambitious yes, but it's so self aware that it probably knows it's ridiculous.

Hell, I mean the title says it all.

Gore-ipedia

Pixels of gore and splatter

Nude-ipedia

Sigh...none.

WTF moment

The vampire henchmen are kinda dumb as bricks

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Need a vampire and ninja film fix? This be the film for you.

The Vitals

Rating:


Here's the trailer.



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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Is 2011 the return of the horror anthology film?

Is it me or did it seem the horror anthology seem to have died since the heyday of Creepshow and Tales from the Darkside? With Trick R Treat being somewhat successful utilizing the horror anthology theme, I've noticed a rise in the amount of horror anthologies of late. And I like it. Maybe it's because I never took notice before, but my "to watch list" now includes a few horror anthologies on my radar. These all have some big name directors you may have notice and some you don't.

But I think this may be a big year for the return of the horror anthology. As horror fans, this can only be good. Talented directors collaborating their talents to tell their story in one feature film. That's like a buffet of bloody awesomeness. Here are a few that I've taken an interest in.

1.) Slices of Life

Director: Anthony G. Sumner

Plot: Sexual Parasites, Disembowelment, Zombies, Serial Killers, Demon Children, Violent Vixens, Rabid Office Workers and Angry Embryos all spring to life from the flesh covered sketch books featured in Anthony G. Sumner's (Gallery of Fear) SLICES OF LIFE.

Mira (Kaylee Williams) awakens in front of a seedy roadside motel with amnesia. She searches for clues to her identity in the pages of three bound sketchbooks, in which each book represents a different aspect of everyday life, maybe her life.

WORK LIFE A lowly clerk at a nano technology firm unleashes a deadly virus at the office headquarters, giving new meaning to the term corporate zombie.

HOME LIFE As local girls begin to disappear, a young pregnant woman is haunted by visions of evil demonic children hell bent on stealing her unborn fetus.

SEX LIFE A young brother and sister on the run from a sexually abusive home life, take refuge in a countryside Victorian manor- only to discover the monsters hidden in this house have been looking for a new home. Convinced that the characters from these books are roaming around the motel, Mira's reality begins to crumble. Are these visions real or is she going insane? Desperate, Mira turns to the motel caretakers (Marv Blauvelt and Helene Alter-Dyche), only to discover the true evil bound in the flesh covered books and the destiny they hold for her.





2.) The Black Box


Directors: Scott Dawson & David Sherbrook, Buz Danger Wallick, Andrew Kasch , Jonathan Lewis & Jerry Franck

Plot: Eight year old Bobby is a strange boy. Between spying on his teenage sister's sexual exploits, and peeping at his prostitute mother in the nude. Bobby loves to watch the midnight horror shows. But when the host of Bobby's favorite horror show begins speaking to Him directly, and the people in his life dreadfully appear to him on television, the lines of reality and fiction start to blur!! More info here.




3.) Chillerama

Directors: Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Adam Rifkin, Tim Sullivan

Plot: The last drive-in theater in America is closing its doors. The owner is having one final night.

(via Bloody Disgusting)

Rifkin's segment is entitled "Wadzilla", which is in sprint of '50s monster movies. It's about a guy looking to raise his sperm count, and things going disastrously wrong. The special effects work are being done by Chiodo brothers (Killer Klowns from Out Space).

Sullivan is presenting "I Was a Teenage Werebear", which is like '50s surf movie (Beach Blanket Bingo).

Green presents "The Diary of Anne Frankenstein", which is a '40s war film starring Joel Moore (Avatar, Hatchet), Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th films, Hatchet), and Kristina Klebe (Halloween, BreadCrumbs). It's about Hitler (played by Moore) creating the perfect killing machine to win the war.

Lynch will bring us a new zombie movie that's in the vein of '70s/'80s undead flicks. Lynch says the best way to sum it up is "when there's no more room in hell, the dead will f*ck the earth."


4.) The Theater Bizarre

Directors: Richard Stanley, Tom Savini, Buddy Giovinazzo, Karim Hussain, Douglas Buck, David Gregory

Plot: THE THEATRE BIZARRE is an anthology horror film set in an old, disused theatre wherein six twisted tales play out over the course of one night. Each tale, inspired by the term "Grand Guignol", is the work of a different director: Buddy Giovinazzo (COMBAT SHOCK), Douglas Buck (SISTERS), David Gregory (PLAGUE TOWN), Karim Hussain (SUBCONSCIOUS CRUELTY), Jeremy Kasten (WIZARD OF GORE), Tom Savini (NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD) and Richard Stanley (HARDWARE). Daryl J. Tucker Presents A Severin Films Production In Association With Metaluna Productions.

5.) Little Deaths

Directors: Sean Hogan, Andrew Parkinson, Simon Rumley

Plot: Composed of three disturbingly sensual and terrifying short narratives, unified by the twin themes of sex and death.





6.) Psycho Street

Directors: Anthony G. Sumner, Pete Jacelone, Raine Brown
Plot: Four Twisted Tales that lead to a Dead End. Details of each segment can be found here.

Trailer for short "Lewis"




**************************************************
Which horror anthology are you excited for? I'm kinda psyched for SOL, The Black Box and Chillerama. Have I missed an upcoming horror anthology? Let me know!

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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The WTF Films of Filipino Exploitation

I've been dying to see Machete Maidens Unleashed, the documentary by Mark Hartley (Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation!) about Filipino exploitation flicks. Most of these flicks were filmed in the Philippines and ranged from blaxploitation to kung fu. I remember my dad having some of these flicks on VHS and they were horribly cheesy. But my dad let me watch these flicks and as an impressionable tween, I got to see some partial nudity and random acts of violence.

Now years later, looking back at these flicks I realize now my interest towards all that was weird and edgy is probably due to the 80s action flicks of Cannon and Filipino exploitation. My dad should be proud he let me watch. Now all I do on this site is reminisce about these films :-)

So here's a taste of my childhood, in all its bad kung fu, gratuitous nudity, horrible acting and incoherent plots.

the jaded viewer says: Raw Force. It's pretty much the pinnacle of Filipino exploitation.




the jaded viewer says: One Armed Executioner: He scores the white chick and kicks ass with one arm. He's Handi-armed and dangerous!





the jaded viewer says: For Your Height only. Weng Weng is legen...wait for it....dary!




the jaded viewer says: TNT Jackson. She'll kung fu your ass while her titties be bouncing sucka!



the jaded viewer says: Black Mama, White Mama. Women in Prison 'sploitation! Stars Pam Grier and Sid Haig and directed by Filipino vet Eddie Romero. Probably the awesomest premise ever.




Makes you wanna see some of these right? What exploitation flick is MUST SEE for anybody who wants to catch up on this type of stuff?

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Wednesday, May 04, 2011

How did I miss this? JCVD's Reality Show Behind Closed Doors

"You know I would love an American studio to trust me to make a comedy, I would be so good"

That's a quote from Jean Claude Van Damme from his reality show "Behind Closed Doors". I'm not sure how I missed this as I knew he was making a reality show but figured I'd never see it as it'd be on some Bulgarian cable channel. It's actually on ITV (UK) Thank the Google gods, it's on YouTube.

So I've only watched the first episode and here's is what we get.
  • We meet JCVD's family (minus the wife) Mom, Dad and his kids Kris and Bianca (a semi cutey)

  • We see scenes from "Weapon" his new movie (this is probably the only footage we'll ever see from this flick)

  • JCVD starts crying for no reason about how "we have to save this place [the world I guess is what he's talking about or it could be a Dennys]"

  • The Eagle Path was JCVD's "environmental film" and it's still and probably never will ever be released

  • He has his shirt off like 90% of the episode

  • His son is totally riding his dad's coat tails

  • JCVD gets a cameo in some Russian comedy directed by an American?!? He thinks he's playing Napoleon but instead he's playing a 19th century Van Damme...wait say what?

  • He then starts partying at a fashion show in Kiev. At this point there is a 99.9% chance he's going to OD on whores, booze and coke. Probably in that order. Damn this is getting good.

  • Note to self: Kiev has some damn hot looking hotties

  • The cutaway breaks are hilarious (JCVD spinkicks, JCVD pets a puppy, JCVD giggles...seriously I'm not making this up)

  • Bianca and Kris take a puppy to a vet (the puppy is suffering from a case of worms and his peeing and crapping everywhere) QUALITY TV here folks.

  • Scott Adkins plays out a scene with JCVD (probability of a JCVD spinkick: 1.2%)


  • "I have an addictive personality...we will go to hell together" Yes this is a quote. I don't no what he's trying to say either.

  • JCVD waits for his new puppy to make "poo poo". Like I said jaded viewers, QUALITY FUCKIN TV here.

  • JCVD heads back home to Brussels and we have an extended scene of Van Damme waiting for his luggage in the baggage carousel. It's a tense scene. Will the baggage show up? Is it lost? Is it damaged? Did it fall out of the plane mid flight? Holy shit! We don't know!

  • JCVD cleans up dog piss

  • OMG!!!! Jean Claude has a DOG SANCTUARY!!!!!! Van Damme is my fuckin hero.

  • Oh I forgot to mention JCVD wears various colored "JCVD" hats

  • He plays with his dogs on the beach while snorting some coke
OK I made that last bit up. Holy Dim Mak. I'm gonna watch the other episodes as soon as I can. Have I peaked your interest? Go watch it for yourself.
Check out the teaser trailer below.






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Monday, May 02, 2011

Loading Cartoon Internet Memes circa early 2000's.........

The early Internet meme's are well documented. But I wanted to bring some light to the one's I thought were more hilarious when they went viral in the early 2000s. As a child of the 80s, when the first 80s cartoon parodies went live, I thought it was hysterically brilliant. From bloopers to "porkchop sandwiches", the one's below made me LOL and ROFL.

These were the the first viral vids for Generation X. C'mon, if you remember these you know they still give you a chuckle 10 years later. First up, Thundercats blooper reels. There was no YouTube back in the day. These videos propogated and were sent via .mov or swf exe files via e-mail.

To hear Lion-O, Panthro and Mumm-ra curse was unbelievably funny. Hell I hear it now and it's fuckin hysterical. Good times.





Up next, all the videos from the GI Joe PSA spoofs by Fenslerfilm. The "porkchop sandwiches" one is by far the best and still cracks me up to this day. If you remember the first time you saw these, raise your hand.

"Porkchop Sandwiches"





More GI Joe. OMG, I remember when we'd quote this shit left and right and start cracking up during way important meetings.

"I'm a computer"





Body Massage....umm nuff said.





When he calls him "blanco nino" I lose my bowels.





Yeah it doesn't make sense. That's why it's awesome.

"Reggae"




Poor Spirit. Can you believe his eagle was named "Freedom"??? That's so ironically wrong.

"Campfire"



And finally, the Superfriends dubbed with the Budweiser Waaaassssup True commercial. Still a classic.





So what other early Cartoon Internet meme's do you all remember? What's your earliest recollection of Internet meme's. If one of you says Rebecca Black, I'm offically banning you from the site.


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