Monday, February 28, 2011

Hobo with a Shotgun (Review)

Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Directed by Jason Eisener

"Delivering justice, one shell at a time..."

Don't fuck with the homeless.

That's the lesson I learned after watching Hobo with a Shotgun, the infamous grindhouse trailer turned full frontal feature from director Jason Eisener. If this was the 3rd film in a triple feature with Planet Terror and Death Proof, I'd have to say it was the best of the three by far.

Hobo with a Shotgun punched me in the face with it's witty humor, clever cleverisms and pure blood drenched awesomeness. It's a time travel throwback to 80s Troma mixed in with Street Trash and would be a banned video nasty if this were 1985. Each scene is like a mini trailer in itself, which you could cut up and edit and make 10 more trailers out of the film.

But even though it's hilariously ridiculous and you start scratching your head with one WTF after the other, it still never loses it's power to make you laugh, make you scream and make you applaud like a pimp at a whore convention.

Hobo with a Shotgun hits harder than a cop during a riot. You're not going to get a better throwback grindhouse movie this year. And for the first time in a long time, I'm giving it the highest rating the jaded viewer can bestow.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A train pulls into the station - it's the end of the line. A Hobo jumps from a freight car, hoping for a fresh start in a new city. Instead, he finds himself trapped in an urban hell. This is a world where criminals rule the streets and Drake, the city's crime boss, reigns supreme alongside his sadistic murderous sons, Slick & Ivan.

Amidst the chaos, the Hobo comes across a pawn shop window displaying a second hand lawn mower. He dreams of making the city a beautiful place and starting a new life for himself. But as the brutality continues to rage around him, he notices a shotgun hanging above the lawn mower... Quickly, he realizes the only way to make a difference in this town is with that gun in his hand and two shells in its chamber.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

There's not an overcomplicated story here. The movie is exactly what the title says. It's about a hobo with a shotgun. But our hobo (Rutger Hauer) arrives in Scum Town (renamed Fuck town by the locals) and immediately realizes this is one fucked up town. The town is run by Drake (Brian Downey), a clean cut evil crime boss who with his two sons Slick and Ivan (who are preppie douchebag killers) are willing to display their cruel and unusual punishment to keep the locals in line.

Did I mention the film takes place circa sometime in the 80s?

That's the first thing that makes you go WTF. Our hobo wanders the streets and we see what he sees. Boom boxes, video cassette video cameras, arcade machines and 80s jazzy clothing that makes you think we're in some Beastie Boys video. And it wouldn't be the 80s without some fuckin coke right? Cocaine is like Krispy Kreme donuts. Everybody is addicted! The town is full of low life pimps, bumfight entrepreneurs and Santa child predators. It's a fuckin shitty place.

Soon he meets a hot prostitute Abby and saves her from the clutches of our asshole preps. Abby and our hobo seemed to be both misfits in a town full of crazies but they start to form a bond. When you think HWAS would start to slow down during these non gore soaked moments, it doesn't. The conversation between our Hobo and our whore are hilarious. From talking about bears, an alternate job for Abby and to our Hobo's dream of buying a lawnmower!?!? so he can start his own business, the ridiculous and over the top conversation is as equally if not more awesome than the succeeding gore and splatter that embody a homeless man exacting vengeance with a shotgun.

Which brings us to the grindhouse and exploitation masterpiece that's been constructed by Eisener. It has a look and feel of a grindhouse films from the opening titles (Filmed in Technicolor!) to the shades of green and red tints that resemble your vintage graininess. But red is the color that dominates Hobo with a Shotgun and we get buckets of it. Your Gore-ipedia includes ripped off heads, shotgun trauma, blood splatter windows, hand splatter, neck gore and some sick slice and dice.

Once we get to the mid camp ending, all hell has broken loose. After some close calls in a battle between Slick and Ivan versus Hobo and Abby Drake brings in the big guns called "The Plague" to take down our Hobo who's been cleaning the gutter trash criminals off the street. These 2 heavily armored metal rejects slaughter a hospital staff before we get a Mad Max finale complete with a Mexican standoff.

Rutger Hauer is nearly flawless as our 100% hobo vigilante. It's like he copied the persona of one of the bumfight participants and as he yammers in his peculiar conversations you get 100% hooked. He's an old cranky man who knows shit and Hauer makes it believable. Downey as Drake plays it pretty over the top and our two preppie douchebags (Gregory Smith and Nick Bateman) give performances like they were mutated evil from a John Hughes film. Molly Dunsworth as Abby evolves from down and out hooker to an ever dedicated sidekick and does a great job looking hot and kicking ass.

Everything from Hobo with a Shotgun is viciously fucked up. It lives up to it's title because it's initial premise evolves into a full frontal assault of pure tastelessness. From vulgarities revolving orifices to maddening threats of torture, it's going to be obscene just to be obscene. Damn how I love that. I love the fact it never wavers, never says let's be a little PG-13 here or be a little tame in this scene. Nope. It goes all out to make you feel like you've been exploited for having seen this. Your going to laugh at seeing somebody get the shit beaten out of em and your not going to feel guilty at all.

Neo grindhouse has been on the up and up with remakes of 70s cult classics being assembly line made. It's refreshing to see a homegrown (in this case Canada) being made. Hobo with a Shotgun is old and new. If this was made in the 80s, it would SO be remade by now. It's because of all this that I proudly give Hobo with a Shotgun the rare 4 spinkicks.

Now give that homeless man on the street corner some spare change or you might get a hole in your chest.

Nude-ipedia

We get some titties

WTF moment

The Plague battle an octopus?!?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I was able to see this gem during a screening courtesy of Magnet Releasing. Hobo with a Shotgun comes out on April 1st on Demand and May 6th in theaters. Here are some interesting fun facts:
  • Original grindhouse trailer was made for $150 and won the SXSW Tarantino/Rodriguez Grindhouse trailer competition
  • The Director of Photagraphy is Karim Hussain who made the cult classic Subconscious Cruelty
  • Producer Rob Cotterhill (with Eisener) made the short Treevenge
  • Only a few scenes from the original fake trailer made it to the feature
The Vitals

Rating:


Check out the trailer.



Here's the original fake trailer






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Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Time Life Books still creep me out!

I've been pulling double duty in the blog world as I've been trying to get my new Tumblr blog: Who is that hot ad girl? off the ground. That blog is dedicated to finding out who unknown actresses are in TV commercials. You should really check it out ;-)

But let's back to to your regularly scheduled jaded viewer programming.

Commercial hunting got me thinking about the scariest commercials I had seen as I was a kid and what popped into my head were those wickedly haunting Time Life books commercials dealing with the "Mysteries of the Unknown".

You remember them don't you?

I remember my friend giving me 3 of those books and I read it cover to cover. I mean all these concepts were so new to me and I dug the unexplained phenomenon and ate it up. It was perfect timing that The X Files debuted and I was so hooked. I currently even have a "I Want to Believe" poster hanging up in my home and it all stems from those books.

I watch those commercials again and I still get chills. Dismissed as coincidence? How do you explain that? I really don't know!!!

So let's go into the wayback time machine and check out the spookiest commercials from the pre-Internet age.








This one stars a young Julianne Moore!



And finally we have Time Life Horror Books starting with Wizards and Witches. I'm getting chills.



So how's that for some nostalgia? Jeff @ Dinner with Max Jenke also had some thoughts on these commercials too. So who remembers these creepy late night commercials?


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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Insano Steve’s One Sentence Reviews-O-Matic (Koreans are Wacky Edition)

It's this week's Insano Steve's one sentence review-o-matics. If you missed the previous editions, check out Perverted Militant Edition, Japanese Militant Edition and Slice and Dice Japanese Edition. I tasked Insano Steve to review every movie in his DVD collection but instead he gave one sentence reviews (lazy bastard).

This week's edition: Koreans are Wacky Edition! Enjoy.
  • Memento Mori - The Korean lesbian atrocity. Nowhere near as good as I just made that sound.

  • The Record - After making an impromptu snuff film, an exceptionally attractive Korean cast is killed off one by one. Chae Young Han!

  • Attack the Gas Station - My personal favorite Korean movie. It's about a Korean gas station that is being held hostage. Features lots of wacky hijinks and assorted foolishness!



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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Let Me In (Review)

Let Me In

Let Me In (2010)

Directed by Matt Reeves

Didn't I already review this?

Oh yeah I did. As most horror fans already watched Let the Right One In (review here), we all probably were comparing the original while watching the remake. I can't say I blame you. I did the same thing.

Everything I wanted to say is pretty much in that original review. The American remake is almost similar to the original though upon reflection I have to say the Swedish film is a little better.

Why?

Oddly enough, it's because I saw it first. Something about seeing the Swedish version and watching superb characters, a mesmerizing story and that stellar invitation scene the first time around sticks in your mind. Seeing a replay in all American speak makes it less powerful sorry to say. That's not to say the film is any less better. It's still strong with stellar performances by Chloe Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee.

Director Matt Reeves does a beautiful job of shooting the film, the story still emotionally impactful and the performances top notch. But it's that damn elephant in the room (the original) is kinda standing there going...."What? I wasn't good enough?"

I'm totally stealing from my original review.

Let the Right One In [or Let Me In] is a movie that is a journey in to a fantastic world, where the love of two people, be it tweens or grownups, is complicated, tender and always full of hardship.

But choices have to be made. And everybody has to live with the consequences.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A bullied young boy befriends a young female vampire who lives in secrecy with her guardian.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Seriously. I'm not going into an in depth review here. I wrote all my thoughts about the Abby and Owen relationship in my original review. I explored the themes, the relationship and the vampire mythos they created. So read that in my first review. So what else is there to talk about?

I'll say this. Chloe Moretz (who was last seen in the awesome Kick-Ass) gives an outstanding performance as Abby. From playing a vicious Hit Girl to tender blood sucking vamp, she shows a clear understanding of what makes her characters tick. Her blood dripping savageness is mixed in with an innocence lost. You have to applaud the balance of her performance as Abby.

Kodi Smit-McPhee (who I last saw on The Road) does a good job as Owen, our bullied tween. He has a soon to be love struck champion feel to him. Like in the original, Owen is not overtly shocked by seeing Abby's true nature but mesmerized by it all (and even possibly blinded due to his undying love for his new girl).

What I didn't like was the overt use of CGI to make Abby look like Blade in Blade 2. WTF was that all about? The original film lacked any of that and worked. Reeves figured he'd Clover some field into Let Me In and it totally wasn't necessary.

Finally, I was waiting for the invitation scene (which I have said is utterly inventive as it is brilliant) and I'll admit the Swedish version handles it a little bit better.

Check out the original.

The blood dripping from the ears and the eyes. It looks like Eli is crying. Also the way its shot, you see Eli's face dead on like Oskar does. In Let Me In, its a bit more distant. Abby has her head down and you can't see the pain that's being inflicted.

It's still a powerful scene in Let Me In but clearly it's done so creatively and in your face in Let The Right One In, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I hate to compare but I HAVE TO. The remake was made only 2 years after the original. 2 years!!!!

Let Me In is one step below the original but it's good enough to stand on it's own for the American viewing audience. It has the alienation, the loneliness and it develops the relationship of two people (no matter their age) as they connect in the frigid winter of Nowhere, America.

I'd like to say it had the same impact as Let the Right One In, but I can't. The remake was made because Let the Right One In was so successful and so powerful. If the original didn't captivate us, no way would Hollywood goes all remakey. That's what Reeves had to realize. And that's exactly what Director Tomas Alfredson said about the remake:

"Remakes should be made of movies that aren't very good. That gives you the chance to fix whatever has gone wrong. I'm very proud of my movie and I think it's great, but the Americans might have another opinion. The saddest thing for me would be to see this beautiful story made into something mainstream. I don't like to whine, but of course - if you spent years on painting a picture, you'd hate to hear buzz about a copy even before your vernissage"

(vermissage meaning the start of an art exhibit)

(from MoreHorror.com)

I couldn't say it any better.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Neck trauma
Acid face
Blood and blood and blood

WTF moment

Invitation Scene
Pool Scene

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you can't stand subtitles, watch the remake. But if you want to see the original in its now classic glory, it's the only way to see it. And because of this, we have 2 ratings.

Rating:
1/2 (if you've seen the original)

Rating:
(if you haven't seen the original)

Check out the trailer.






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Friday, February 18, 2011

Bleading Lady (Review)

Bleading Lady aka Star Vehicle

Bleading Lady aka Star Vehicle (2011)

Directed by Ryan Nicholson

Let's just be real.

If you know of Ryan Nicholson's previous Plotdigger films, the last 2 being Gutterballs and Hanger, you've come to either be on the side of "his films are fuckin awesome" or "what a piece of shit these films are".

Ironically I'm still on the fence. I praised Gutterballs for being a brilliant exploitation masterpiece while destroying Hanger for being to gross and boring. I figure Star Vehicle (renamed Bleading Lady) would be my tiebreaker in the Nicholson filmography.

Well it turned out it didn't break the tie.

Bleading Lady has elements of the good shit I expected. Over the top gore, gratuitous nudity and self aware cleverisms. It also has the elements of what I hated. It's got serious pacing issues, horrible dialogue and minutes of nothingness.

Bleading Lady ends up being a the equievelant of seeing an ugly naked girl getting her armed disemembered. Your like "ewwwwwwwwww" and then "fuckin A!!! That was awesome!". So how did we all end up here?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

"Star Vehicle" follows the downward spiral of movie driver Donald Cardini, a self-professed movie buff with a penchant for explosive violence when provoked. Driving the stars of low-budget movies, along with their fragile egos, to and from locations in the middle of nowhere, pushes Don's buttons in all of the wrong directions.

When Luke, the young and self-absorbed writer/director challenges Don's authority, murder and mayhem ensues. The movie's Scream Queen' starlet, Riversa Red, to her dismay finds herself the target of Don's obsession. With his encyclopedic knowledge of her "body" and body of work, Don worms his way onto Riversa's good side, no easy task. Not knowing whether to fear or friend Don, Riversa finds herself at the center of a cyclone with Luke and Don both vying for her attention. A mysterious Hotel Bellboy and an unknown "watcher in the woods" lend themselves to the growing suspense as the cast and crew hold-up at Forest Grove Lodge...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's clear that from the outset we're getting a full on horror film from Ryan Nicholson. It's clear we're getting a little horror movie within a horror movie ala Scream to get our share of boobs, gore and in jokes. Our main dude Don (Dan Ellis) is the driver of the "star vehicle" and his passenger the lovely Reversa Red (Sidney Faraguna). We meet a few others along the way from the scumbag director, the Nicholson easter egg from the makeup artist, some scream queen noobs, another fellow driver and a lodge bellboy.

Don is a horror buff with knowledge of who's who. He adores Ms. Red and is her biggest fan. From bashing a friend's head he is an overprotective father to the scream queen. The movie intersplices scenes from the movie they are making and it at times I was a little more interested in that movie than the movie that was unfolding.

As we trudge along we get the inside of life within an indie horror movie. Making fun of an indie horror movie in an indie horror movie is surreal. Reversa converses with Don on her exploits and having done a "full frontal" nudity scene. He goes all "your talented then these whores" route while Reversa defends how these actresses get into the business. Some of this is interesting take on the inner workings of indie horror.

We even get to see Don break the 4th wall half an hour in as aside from an intro of kills, we see shit. He narrates "I know you are saying to yourself: 'let us get on with the blood!'" and so the movie does. Nicholson knows what we want and I LOL-ed from that bit of 'logue.

With every Nicholon film we do get full on boobs and buckets of blood. The boobs are solid Grade A boobage and the splatter is top notch. Sliced throats, crowbar trauma, severe OJ-ish stabbing will make every gorehound a happy happy boy. It's over the top and it's hilarious in that happy sickening sorta way.

But with all this horror happiness, we get the ugly girl portions of the film. At 70 or so minutes, there is so much emptiness in a lot of scenes that I rang up a decent score on Angry Birds waiting for something to happen. It just felt like 60% of the movie was filler with double talk conversations and our director being a douchebag. Reversa Red is our final girl but does nothing to make us care about her either.

Which leads to the dialogue of the whole film. Some of it was completely incomprehensuble. You know they are over acting and hamming it up in the movie within the movie but when we see the behind the scenes, it's still as bad. What the fuck? And that damn 80s cheesy soundtrack started to get on my nerves as well.

As we go along it seems Reversa's got a stalker and Don's gonna have to be the knight in shining armour. This leads to some slaughter and some tension between him and the director. The body count piles up and as we get to the end Don's making his own horror movie.

The ending is completely out of leftfield. Hell I think it's out of the 20 yard line. Come to think of it, I had no idea what sport I was watching. The movie spun out of control and ended up being one long scene of boring.

Bleading Lady pushes a standard horror film into overdrive with it's mish mash of horror caricatures and inside jokes. The gratuitous is solid in nudity and gore. But as it's racing towards the finish, it crashes into a tree and like an over cliched action movie, the gas tank ignites and blows up the entire car.

It has the smashing homage awesomeness of Gutterballs but the stupidness of Hanger and ends up with the standard 2 spinkicks from the jaded viewer. Like I said before, it's an ugly girl getting her arm chopped off. Somehow its ugly and cool at the same time. But I expected more. I expected a hot naked girl getting beheaded in full slo mo glory.

Weren't we all?

Gore-ipedia

Throat slashing
Slice and dice
Crowbar trauma
Stab and jab

Nude-ipedia

Full frontal boobs
Top and bottom full frontal nudity

WTF moment


I predicted the twist 10 minutes in. I was like WTF! It can't be that obvious can it?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Bleading Lady comes out on DVD March 29th from Breaking Glass pictures via their Vicious Circle Films label. If you have to watch every Plotdigger and Ryan Nicholson film, than you'll need to watch this flick. If your a noob to RN, start off with Gutterballs because it has all the stuff your looking for and more.

The movie was filmed in Maple Ridge and Vancouver Canada.

The Vitals
Rating:

Check out the trailer.






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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Roommate (Review)

The Roommate

The Roommate (2011)

Directed by Christian E. Christiansen

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who got a 4.0 after his freshman year roommate went mental]

I knew from the moment I first saw the trailer for “The Roommate”, that it was a must-see movie (not necessarily a must-pay-to-see). As a bad movie connoisseur, I was pleased when this film received less than 10% positive reviews. Comically bad acting and incoherent plots are what I’m all about.

The Roommate definitely delivered the bad movie I was hoping for.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

College student Sara finds that her new roommate Rebecca has an obsession with her, which quickly turns violent.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Plot: SPOILER: If you’ve seen the 1992 film, “Single White Female”, then you already know all the spoilers for this movie. The Roommate is essentially a remake. The setting this time moving from uppity NYC to the University of Los Angeles (good ole ULA!) Almost everything else is verbatim. SWF has the better acting. The Roommate has the better overacting.

And a more attractive cast.

Acting: The regular girl is played by Minka Kelly who is smoking hot, but not that much of an actress. She can play beautiful and horrified very well. Not sure if she can handle much more than that. Kelly is the real-life girlfriend of New York Yankee/son of a bitch, Derek Jeter.

The psycho girl is played by Leighton Meester. Though not as pretty as Kelly, she is obviously the better actress. She provides some decent chills in the movie, especially when she starts beating herself up (with a boxcutter!).

The other notable character is Minka Kelly’s boyfriend in the film, Stephen, who plays the douchebag fratboy with the heart of gold. His character spends the entire movie squinting for some reason.

Gore: Well, this was a PG-13 movie, so nothing could be genuinely be considered gore. But there were some notable scenes such as:
  1. Belly button trauma
  2. Mid-coitus homicide
  3. Hyperthermic feline-icide

T&A: Very sad to report that there was none. Unfortunately, this is the price to pay for having semi-famous actresses. There are mild simulated sex scenes, and some gratuitous lesbian experimentation. But certainly nothing titillating. But, I have to give kudos for the random cinematography!

The WTF Moment:

You Were Never My Friend”

My favorite scene in the film, was one of those obsession-movie clichés. While Kelly and Meester are at a coffee shop, they encounter a girl that Meester had terrorized previously.

A very bizarre conversation ensues. It’s always an awkward moment to meet up with an old friend who had tried to psychologically destroy you in high school.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you like bad movies, the Roommate will not let you down. Go in with the lowest expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised. You can forget what those 50 year old dinosaur movie critics say (hey Rex Reed, do the world a favor and kill yourself).

In a sold out movie theater filled with audience participation, the Roommate is a fun-filled 90 minutes!

The Vitals
Rating:


(because it was so bad its good logic)


Check out the trailer.






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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Paranormal Activity 2 (Review)

Paranormal Activity 2

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

Directed by Tod Williams

I gave the original Paranormal Activity 3 spinkicks on the basis that it reinvented the POV shaky cam found footage horror genre. Not since Blair Witch had a movie techno supersized the typical supernatural film into cult like status.

It brought in surveillance footage blended with shaky cam and a running timer that actually fast forwarded to the good parts. Yes folks, these little things were clever in the original.

But then it got a sequel and it went all down hill.

Paranormal Activity 2 is clearly inferior to its big brother. The quick review is it uses new and old characters, the same techniques, the same story and the same scares to deliver the goods. But oddly this sequel which is actually a prequel then sequel jumped the shark once it was announced it was going to be made.

It's not that it repackages everything, it's that the characters who drove the first film (Micah and Katie) somehow were more cooler than this family (in this case Katie's sister Kristi, her husband Daniel, their daughter Ali and the newborn Hunter). Sure Michah was an asshole but we bought into it. Coupled with the fact Part 2 loses its glamor and originality just by existing, I can only declare this movie a yawn.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After experiencing what they think are a series of "break-ins", a family sets up security cameras around their home, only to realize that the events unfolding before them are more sinister than they seem.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Since I've seen PA1, I've watched a handful of found footage flicks. Evil Things (full review here), Rec and 2 flicks that made my Top 10 List of 2010: The Last Exorcism and Rec 2. Rec 2 is clearly the winner in the sequel department has it was all super sized for full effect.

For Paranormal Activity 2, we clearly have a Book of Shadows effect here. How do you top a one of a kind flick like PA? Rec 2 did the impossible and stayed true but so did PA. So we'll go all formula review here.

Let's get to the breakdown by seeing how Paranormal Activity 2 worked the BWP formula to perfection.
  • The camera "person" films everything
  • His friends who become part of the video
  • Something sinister starts to scare them
  • The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

The camera "person" films everything

Sometimes the logic of why everybody films everything is illogical. In PA2, it's gratuitously overused. It works in PA1 because Micah wants to document the weird paranormal shit. But a newborn doesn't warrant this much filming. Dad, mom and daughter take turns filming everything in this hell week before the events of PA1. I thought they'd get the damn nanny to start filming them as well.

Hell, why not put cameras on tripods and have 2-3 takes?

Sure the multiple surveillance cameras are a nice touch but they totally fucked up the one thing that made Paranormal Activity had going with it. THE RUNNING TIMER!!!

The running timer (which fast forwards during the night and somehow gets us to the good part) does not come in until 1 HOUR INTO THE MOVIE?!?!? The beauty of the timer was it built up serious oodles of suspense. You knew when it stopped, some fucked up shit was gonna happen. Here it's not used at all and your left with boring attempts at humor, some Katie and Micah cameos and some family bickering. Sigh and yawn.

His friends who become part of the video


Not much to say here. Like I said Micah and Katie make a cameo which enable us the viewer to start seeing a prequel unfold. Good to see our yuppie San Diego couple in pseudo extra footage.

Our Misifits loving daughter Ali soon becomes a YouTube cam girl as we go on. She starts Fox Muldering herself and night camming her way all over the creepy house. Seriously, this house is fuckin huge. 4 bedrooms, big ass TV, large ass pool. What does dad do? Run a mega corporation or run drugs from Mexico?

Something sinister starts to scare them


The eerie comes in all forms and follows the same formula. We get low rated scares to progressively yowser scares. So what do we get to see? Baby toys move, dogs barking, pots and pans trying to escape a hanging, flame wars, mysterious shadows, doors closing babies running amok, cabinets wanna party, dogs battling demons and dragged out house stunts.

I actually predicted a few of these scares. That's how boring it got.

I know you lose the luster in a sequel which is why you CAN'T do more of the same. You have to add something completely different than will outright shock and awe the shit out of the viewer. Rec 2 totally did this. PA2 which seemed especially Hollywood-ized feeds you the same generic pizza you've had before. Sonnavabitch.

The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked


There be a bit of a mythos slightly explained and a bit of a twist as our prequel goes into sequel mode. It's clear that Tod Williams seemed to have watched Rec a few times and we get full frontal night vision when our big sis gets all demonized. The only difference is we have a toddler clogging up camera time.

Yeah we get a few more WTF but their mild WTFs. I mean if you wanted to give yourself a PA marathon, the best case scenario is to watch PA2 then stop it when we see Katie pull up in the driveway and meets Micah. Then pop in Part 1 and when that's over resume Part 2 again. They clearly blended this all together. They should just make one mega Paranormal Activity that intercuts both movies (ahem ahem I'm talking to you INTERNET!)

The big final shot was clearly anti climactic. If we were to look back at the original ending of Paranormal Activity this other ending wouldn't really exist but remember folks, Spielberg always wins in the end.

I was a little worried we'd see little Hunter get a vicious pair of teeth and start babbling violently into the camera. Don't worry, that doesn't happen...well not until we get Paranormal Activity 3.

What more can I say? I didn't like PA2 as much as the first one. Yes it was the characters, the recycled scares and the lack of cliches (eg. running timer) they used in the first one. And then again with the Ouija board? C'mon now. Hell they could have killed the daughter's boyfriend.

It's a sequel that had problems from the get go and it doesn't really go.

If you've never seen any of these flicks, go with the original. Why? The jokes were a bit better.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Negative Zero

WTF moment

The sequel in the sequel which is a prequel then a sequel

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

You'd think I'd have seen this just in case it was good enough to be on my Top 10 list. Hell it doesn't even make my Top 20.

Paranormal Activity 2 is out on Blu-Ray, VOD and DVD.

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer.






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Monday, February 14, 2011

Celebrate Valentine's Day with the one you love...even if they're dead

Has your partner past away?

Has a long lost love died horribly in a devastating car accident?

Don't let death get in the way on Valentine's Day. We here at The Corpe Lover Factory won't let you spend a Valentine's Day alone. With a special price plan special today, we can bring your loved one who's long past to your door in 24 hours!

You're probably scared of diseases and stench. Don't worry! We'll take care of any olfactory and deterioration that might cause an issue between you and your special person.

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"CLF was professional and courteous when my husband fell down from a large plant. They brought back my husband in even a better condition then when he was alive. Even when he lost a special part, they replaced it free of charge!"

-Jill (Beantown USA)

"My girl was accidentally poisoned...you know not by me or anything....but I called up CLF and they brought her to me so we could be together one more time and this time we're gonna go out together!"

-Romeo (Shakesland, USA)


One of our customers even put together this tribute video!




So call today! We'll dig up your loved one, clean em up and plop em on your sofa in 24. Only 20 installments of $19.99!

Call 555-CORPSE-F*CKER!



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Friday, February 11, 2011

I stayed up until 1am for this? An Ode to the Spice Channel

Is that a nipple?

I've neglected far too long the Erotica part of the jaded viewer tagline. So, this post is rectify the situation and to go all nostalgia for my jaded viewers who are old enough to remember the days of scrambled porn.

If you were like me, back in the late 80s and early 90s when you got your first cable box you were like a kid celebrating Christmas. These teen years were full of awe and wonder...and the search for free porn. With cable, gone were the days of finding a Playboy in your friend's fathers secret stash. Now you had to find that friend who had a illegal descrambled cable box or didn't give a shit and ordered that pricey Spice Channel.

But we all had the same methods to get a glimpse of a boob or something simulating that would be stimulating. I've compiled the list below from various message boards on the Internet that we all remember vividly on what we did to get our fix.
  • The closest thing to the Spice Channel was HBO After Dark. Red Shoe Diaries and the like were a taste of the Skinemax

  • During the day, the Spice channel was "The Box" a music video channel where you called in and ordered a music video you wanted to hear (shit was 99 cents!) (One time, it was all Wu Tang all the time because of me)

  • If you kept flipping the Spice channel back and forth with another channel, there were times you could get 5 seconds of footage. Of course it usually was 5 seconds of a fully clothed couple kissing or *gasp* reciting cheesy sensual dialogue

  • You got the audio to work only and never was moaning and groaning so wonderful to a 13 year old's ears

  • Sometimes, you'd even get a full few minutes of Spice channel unscrambled and you'd search for a blank tape, pop it into your VCR and tape that motherfucker but by the time you pressed record and play (you remember taping shit in a VCR, SLP Mode!), it'd be fuckin gone

  • When the channel was started for late night programming, you'd get the beginning of a movie they were featuring...sometimes for like 10 minutes...then it would go all scrambly

  • You'd be at your friend's house who owned an illegal cable box and when his parents were out of the room, you'd switch from wrestling to the Playboy or Spice channel

Alas, all these problems were solved as you got older. I'm sure all of you at some point found your dad's secret stash of vintage 70s porn or horded all those early Victoria Secret catalogs. And admit it, that Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was the fuckin bomb. I remember there was a sports magazine called Inside Sports that had a more graphic swimsuit issue than SI's. Classy they were not.

So what did you miss? Well thanks to "Wildcock23" from YouTube, you can finally view what you missed all those years. And it looks to not be much. **SHIVERS** Oh 90s pornstars had big hair, were kinda fat and a wee bit hairy. And you gotta love the pun names (Sindee Cox!)

Wow after viewing some of the vids below, the Spice Channel had some odd programming and some hilarious parody movies. Can you believe you stayed up until 1am for this? Check out the footage......all finally unscrambled. SFW BTW.


Oh oh. It's Sexual Anarchy!



He's Passenger 69!



Pizza Pizza! By the Slice!



Check out more videos here.

So do you have any memories you'd like to share? I'm guessing you're all too embarrassed to admit it. Gone are the days of rejoicing if you saw a side boob at 2am. Share your thoughts.



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Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The Shortround: Kill Devil Hill (Review)

Rarely does a short pack a punch in it's 12 minutes to leave me with my mouth wide open. But there's a first time for everything I guess. Ace Jordan's Kill Devil Hill I thought was a slow burn horror flick with Satanic overtones. But that slow burn fired up and by the end I was completely shocked by the intensity of it all.

Let's get the plot out of the way first. See below.

On a day trip with his family to Kill Devil Hill, Jesse Reed (Taylor Graham) chases after his son Joey (Aiden Miranda) who has mischievously run off into the woods nearby. Joey discovers the remnants of some demonic pagan ritual. The skull of a bull head, made entirely out of gold, hangs from a large oak tree. Joey touches the inverted pentagram on the skull only to find that it has been drawn in blood. Frightened, Joey slowly backs away.

Suddenly, the skull begins to 'come to life' inside an epic orb of light. Joey's eyes glow as it appears that something supernatural is trying to enter his body. He faints and the golden skull vanishes into thin air. Moments later, Jesse finds his son laying on the ground. He picks him up and carries him out of the woods. Late that night, Jesse wakes to use the bathroom. While washing his hands, he looks in the mirror and sees that his eyes are glowing with the same supernatural force that has invaded his son just hours before...

the jaded viewer says: Kill Devil Hill is a slick reenactment of past crime in small town America. Many of these horrific crimes never get told but they should and Kill Devil Hill is a step in the right direction to tell the tale.

As I said before, it's a slow burn for a short but the final 4-6 minutes is a helluva a jolt. The set up is clearly intentional with a relaxed atmosphere of sleepy time as we meet our Americana family. But it seems not all is what it seems and through a flashback we see how the morning's events are going lead to a long night.

The Satanic overtones are clearly visible. Devil stars and makeshift sacrifice altar are in the woods Joey visits. We see something is haunting both father and son and when we get to the end, all hell is unleashed.

The performances are solid with some nice funny ha ha's all around. The final minutes are brutally vicious in their rawness. I thought they'd go all PG-13 but nothing is quite impactful than seeing a crime photo slaughter of innocents.

My only gripes would be the special effects. There are quick shots of a bullhead acting a little supernaturally floaty as well as a quick scare bullhead attack. Somehow I felt this wasn't necessary. It bordered on cheesy and little over the top. Having it grounded in some sort of "what we don't see is a little more scarier" would have made this film perfect.

But that doesn't diminish a real world crime translated into a fictional what if scenario. The short clearly screams "Why? Why? Why?!" but all is left unanswered. Kill Devil Hill is a fantastic slice of pseudo True Crime cinema. Here's hoping it can be extended to a full length film one day.

The Vitals
Check out the trailer below!






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