Friday, December 31, 2010

The Best Quotey Quotables from the Worst Movies I saw in 2010

Everybody has their worst of 2010 lists. Seriously, so much crappy flicks seem to have come out this year. I can't really make a worst of list because I actually didn't see these horrible films. Sure it would have been fun to butcher and make fun of these flicks, but why torture myself. I'm not a sadist.

In any case, I did see some UGH, SIGH and OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! flicks and I've pulled the best quotey quotables from those reviews.

So enjoy some quote snippets from the crap chunks of 2010 that made me smash a few walls with my head. The jaded viewer exits 2010 with a LOL. Enjoy!

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"But at the end of the day, it's a low budget bait and switch propaganda shockfest that says I'm blood drenched insanity when its more of an 70 minute death metal music video instead."

-from The Back Room Review

"It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on."

-from Bitch Slap Review

"I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face."

-from Blood Creek Review

"Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button!"

-from The Box Review

"The acting is a little cheesy....How do you make up for this? Add boobs!"

-from Brainjacked Review

"The boobs make their first appearance. They're real and they're spectacular!"

"Jeez jlove's [Jennifer Love Hewitt] cleavage are weapons of mass erections
"

"
These are the hottest massage therapists ever."

"
Omg its a montage of jlove boobs in lingere...this is unfreakinbelievable"

"
Jlove's boobs are hooked on coke....omg the cops just busted in! (Pun so intended)"

"
Only 30 days in jail for whoring...way to go jloves boobs!"


-from The Client List starring Jennifer Love Hewitt Live Tweet

"Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?"

-from The Collector Review

"Holy hamburger phone! Juno is alive!!....The girl we wanted to die is alive and she's now freakin an expert crawler assassin."

-from The Descent 2 Review

"Yes, I'm actually calling Dread a diet version of Martyrs."

-from Dread Review

"The title is indeed indicative of what you get. Couldn't somebody just give our bunny a carrot?"

-from Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! Review

"The best way to describe The Final is its Saw 90210. In a typical suburban high school, a group of self aware misfits and outcasted teens devise a plan (based on horror movies, oh how self aware!) to take revenge on the jocks, popular douchbags and mean girls. Inviting them to a costume party, the partygoers are drugged and when they wake up are cuffed and chained together. Suffice it say, our teen outcasts are gonna get medieval"

-from The Final Review

"How could a movie that consisted of hot girls in tank tops with bouncy cleavage and two horror titans, Bill Moseley and Tony Todd end up a worthless pile of crap? The Graves is completely clichéd, annoying, repetitive and cheesy. And that's me being nice."

-from The Graves Review

"It's your typical Hollywood fare, but you know...more Koreany."

-from Tidal Wave Review

"What we do have here is a slow burn, drawn out psychological drama that is amped with so many clichés it could be labeled “GENERIC SUSPENSE FILM” by the Dharma Initiative. After Dark is famous for adding these types of films to its lineup and passing them off as “international horror”. Sigh."

-from Hidden Review

"However, at the end of the day the movie is a wicked slow slow slow burn. It takes so long to get to the nitty gritty that no Red Bulls were helping to keep me awake."

-from The House of the Devil Review

"Manhater is a supernatural pseudo rape and revenge movie pure and simple. Have I ever seen a supernatural women scorn revenge film? Nope. This is what makes it different and also interesting to watch. It's not without its flaws in story, sometimes laughable FX and stiff actors. But hey, it's got a porn star on the cover and its got gore and that gets at least a half a spinkick in my book."

-from Manhater Review

"So who is this girl on the cover? Her name is Aya, some mystical assassin with kick ass sword skills that by pressing "X" alot with "square" enables her to slaughter the attacking zombie hordes. "

-from OneChanbara Review

"OK so we got a Ruskie, a Yakuza, an ex Con, token blood diamond slavemaster, Israeli sniper hottie, Eric from That 70s Show and Brody. Odds token black guy dies first. 2:1."

-from Predators Review

"The one thing I’ll say about The Reeds is, well it had actual planty like reeds. As for the movie itself, it’s a muddy boggy creek. In other words, a complete mess."

-
from The Reeds Review

"Temptation has hot British chicks with red contact lenses and plastic dollar bin fangs."

-from Temptation Review

"I had to watch this over the course of 3 days as I was getting bored every 20 minutes. That's how irritating this film was. I mean seriously, the film had one death in the entire thing. ONE!"

-from TMA aka Darkness Review

"Thora birch is looking oldish and she's on an american wrestling team? And they are in bratislava! E europe is like the w virginia of europe"

-from Train Live Tweet

...........And finally the best quotables from the WORST HORROR MOVIE OF THE YEAR comes from the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake.

"Wow, New Freddy killed a dog. You so badass New Freddy."

"Why does this Joy Division wearing t-shirt motherfucker look like the douche from Twilight?"


"Micronapping is the "new twist" in this. It's blending reality and dream world. I was micronapping while watching this flick. I also took a shit while watching this flick."


"Also, they had a
mirror scare/false alarm cliche in here as well. Jeezus you fucks are lazy."

"I hate remakes. I hate Platinum Dunes. I hate New Freddy. I hate New Nancy. I hate micro-naps. I hate this movie."


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What's your worst horror movie of 2010? Got any quotey quotables you want to add from some not so good movies this year? Comment away!

Happy New Year to all you jaded viewers!!!



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Thursday, December 30, 2010

The WTF List: The Last Exorcism (Review)

I decided to go with a WTF List instead of a regular review because I know most horror fans have seen this movie already. I'll admit, the promotion for this flick had me scratching my head. I figured it was a Blair Witch meets The Exorcist ripoff. Sure it had Eli Roth's name attached to but I figured it could wait.

Well the wait is over.

The Last Exorcism is one of the best horror movies of 2010 by far. Not because it had elements of Paranormal Activity or exorcism scares, but because somehow the mockumentary feels as real as real could be. Evangelism is clearly a scary thought in general, but when you you see how real the fakery can be and how people will believe in "the show", that's what's truly scary. The Last Exorcism amplifies this horror wise but the foundation is not without a chill to the bone factor as well.

The shot on video POV should have jumped the shark here but didn't. It reminded me of Lake Mungo, which is on my top 10 list as well. When done well these fake docs somehow get the jumpy jumping. It's a smart mock and I liked the mockery of religion. Sure it got a little cliched towards the end though it ended cleverly, it's a haunting feeling nevertheless.

On to the list!

1.) Our scammy Reverend is clearly an anti Father Merrin.
2.) Religion is really magic and banana nut cake.
3.) Cotton is clearly a vampire slayer
4.) You may be part Sweetzer and not even know it.
5.) I'm 100% sure a crystal meth tweekers killed those animals...or Chupacabra
6.) Nell looks like she drank too much Four Loko
7.) All magic has fishline in some way or another
8.) The camera guy actually does a decent job of pointing the camera to where I WANT him to point the camera
9.) But he keeps doing damn reaction shots..STOP IT!
10.) I tell ya, any girl wearing Doc Martens becomes 10x more hotter

11.) Jump scare, BOO scare, dark scare, BOO scare
12.) Sorry I don't bend that way
13.) The lack of CGI is giving me a happy
14.) You don't wanna hear it, but I think America has an incest problem
15.) The film likes to play with your belief vs science struggle. If you're acting crazy, your freakin crazy. For 90% of the movie you feel she's just mental. And that 10% makes you think. Though 9% of me still think's she's looney.
16.) Nothing ever good comes out of a bonfire and people dressed in cloaks and funny hats
17.) I'm one of those people that gets dizzy when the POV goes into nauseous mode
18.) Poor Cotton. He should have called the Vatican 911.
19.) Well he'll never be ahead of a corporation
20.) They don't even try to go all found footage. Imagine this was on A&E or Bio and portrayed as real. 40% of Americans would BELIEVE THIS IS REAL. Seriously...right?

The Last Exorcism is so bumping another flick from my Top 10 list. Dammit. I now have like 3 cinema verite flicks on my top 10. Somehow this feels wrong. But you gotta give credit to where it's due. The Last Exorcism is scamtastic heavenly fun.


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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Exam (Review)

Exam

Exam (2010)

Directed by Stuart Hazeldine

Exam is not a horror flick but more of a psychological thriller. The easy comparison is to say its one of those trapped in one room with some offbeat characters type movie. Like Cube, The Killing Room and others it takes that one setting gimmick and milks it for all its worth.

I have to say I liked it.

When you have one of these one room movies, your characters have to be very interesting. And we get a mish mash of characters from the angry Brit to the muttering Frenchman.

The movie is like the Apprentice but with a more insanity and yet somewhat futuristic feel. The candidates try to decipher what the question may be and do everything they can to solve the final test riddle.

I'm not describing it well so you can read the plot below.

Eight talented candidates have reached the final stage of selection to join the ranks of a mysterious and powerful corporation. Entering a windowless room, where an armed guard keeps watch, they are given 80 minutes to answer one simple question.

The invigilator outlines three very specific rules that they must obey – and if they don't, they will be disqualified:

1. They must not speak to the invigilator or the guard.
2. They must not spoil their papers.
3. They must not leave the room.

The invigilator starts the clock and leaves.The candidates turn over their question papers, only to find that they are completely blank.

Tensions rise as the clock counts down to zero, and each candidate must decide how far they are prepared to go to win the ultimate job.

So who are these candidates?

We got a conniving Brit, a brotha, a Middle Eastern looking dude, a hot blonde, a brunette psych major, an Asian hottie and a muttering Frenchman.

Suffice it to say the Brit takes charge and starts to try to figure out what the question and answer is. Lots of bickering and info is exchanged between all the parties and they try several different methods to see if their papers hold the question.

But suffice it to say, it's filled with lots of old reliable reality show cliche antics, characters and double and triple twists. Exam makes you pay attention to every syllable each character utters, makes you notice the room they are in and has some high tense suspense scenes that leave you on edge.

It's like a stage play in form and creates a mythos pretty quickly. Good solid flick that had me go "Ah Ha!"at the end. Sometimes it's those type of flicks that you need to break the monotony of a horror-thon.

Rating:
1/2






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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Top 5 Action Movies of 2010

Ahh, the first list of many to come for yours truly, the jaded viewer. Actually, this is a Top 5 Action Movies I SAW in 2010. I can already hear I left out this movie and that movie. So I just had to clarify. This is all solid mainstreamy flicks that were filled with alpha male artillery shells and explosions galore.

And one that had me toppling over....seriously for real (pun so intended).

Click on the title to read my full review. Well on to the list!


5.) The Tournament

The moment I saw the premise of The Tournament I was like this is an awesome idea. Throw in the poor town that has to hold a tournament of the world's best assassins and you got all hell breaks loose.

Starring Ving Rhames, Kelly Hu and other familiars you'll be rocking and rolling through this mish mosh of guns and sniping and car chases.

The assassins just don't kill each other, they fuck each other up beyond recognition. In this new age of action flicks (as Rambo illustrated beautifully) it's not just capping yr ass, it's obliterating the enemy.

The Tournament is an apex in action porn, where guns are blazing, body counts are mounting and parkour and martial arts are needed to win and be called the greatest assassin ever.



The Expendables was the most hyped up action movie of the year. The Big Three was suppose to turn every alpha male action fan into drooling idiots.

The movie wasn't perfect but it showed we can check the egos and put an all star cast of action heroes and still make a good action flick.

I mean the plot is a little contrived and Stallone a little slow but Jason Statham steals the show and is probably the air apparent of the action movie (umm he's not in any Disney movies that I know of)

Seeing Jet Li and Dolph and Stone Cold and Terry Crews reminded me of the original Predators. Just massive huge men kicking and annihilating entire countries.

Good times.


3.) Machete

They say Danny Trejo has played a killer in 62 movies. He's played a rapist in 25 movies. And he's played a killer who is a rapist in 19 movies. Talk about being typecast.

But that's all over now for Danny Trejo. He is Machete and boy can he fuck up people badly as a good guy as he does a bad guy. Machete is mega-tastic and hits on all cylinders. As a grindhouse/exploitation film, as an action film and as a comedy. It even works as Skinemax!

It's bar none one of the best movies this year. Full of the Times Square grindyness I adore it has so many WTF moments you can't help but fuckin applaud. Robert Rodriguez takes the Tarantino formula into exteeeminess, pure of adrenaline knife slaughter, side Jessica Alba boobage and a stoned out Lindsay Lohan.

I will never think of intestines the same way again.


2.) Inception

Inception is probably the best movie of the summer blockbusters. It's made like a bajillion dollars already and the critics are dry humping this movie.

Sure not your traditional "action movie" but it did have your standard heist plot colored in within dreams. Car chases, shootouts and mind tripping layers and you got an action cinema for the mind.

It's a thinking man's movie filled with ideas and layers and more layers. But at its core, Inception is original and different. So many movies these days are remakes, sequels or stories from other mediums.

Christopher Nolan wrote the story over 8 years or so and though it draws from what's been done before, it's cleverly unique. Don't call it The Matrix meets something.
I hate when critics do that.


1.) Kick-Ass

This is one of the best movies of 2010.

Kick Ass kicks so much fuckin ass, I wanted to put on some spandex, fight crime and spew witty vulgarities with my 11 yr old female cousin dressed as Hit Girl. Which brings us to why Kick Ass is awesome-tastic.

It's not the titular character that blows you away (though he does have his hilarious moments) but it's Hit Girl, the potty mouth pre-pubescent tween daughter of Big Daddy (Nic Cage doing his best Adam West impersonation) that steals the show. Chloe Moretz is so fantastic as Hit Girl you sincerely believe she loves ice cream sundaes and switchblades and can assassinate an army of mafiosos with a blink of an eye.

Never has a little girl been so lethal with guns, yo yo string MacGyver devices and a blade.

Kick-Ass turned the superhero genre upside down and had fun doing it. You won't see anything like it again...until Kick-Ass 2.

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I only saw a handful of action movies this year. I did miss a few. So let me know what was your favorite action movie of 2010.



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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Watch The Taint for for Free via The Jaded Viewer!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Jaded Viewers. I hope you all have a good holiday today and a Happy New Year as well.

I'd like to thank you all for your continued support and thank the viewers who keep coming back to the jaded viewer. Now, I want to hear from you. Leave a comment, ask a question via FormSpring or send me an e-mail. I want to hear from you.

I'm not just a blogger, I want to be your blogging friend.

So I leave you with two gifts today. Your Jaded Viewer Santa gives you the Rare Exports short featuring those pre-packaged Santas.




And from The Jaded Viewer and director Drew Bolduc, here is an opportunity to watch The Taint in its entirety! This is will be only available for free Christmas Day. I've said it before, The Taint is one of the best movies this year. Check out my review!




I hope you enjoy your gifts! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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Friday, December 24, 2010

Insano Steve’s One Sentence Reviews-O-Matic (Japanese Militant Edition)

I'm introducing a new feature. This one is Insano Steve's one sentence review o matics. I tasked Insano Steve to review every movie in his DVD collection but instead he gave one sentence reviews (lazy bastard).

They're still hilarious when broken down into different editions. This will definitely be a reoccuring segement on the jaded viewer. This week's edition: Japanese Militant Edition! Enjoy.

  • Kichiku - Militant Japanese students fuck and kill each other. yes, in that order, you sicko. has some graphic hari kari scenes! very underrated.
  • Fudoh: The New Generation - a girl shoots poison darts out of her vagina. otherwise, it's the usual Miike manga inspired madness
  • Female Convict Scorpion: Jailhouse 41 - Japanese grindhouse movie. a female in prison escapes to kill again. features random stabbings in Tokyo streets. awesome movie!
  • Battle Royale series - part 1 was great. part 2 sucked. the idea's been copied to death. i own both movies....on vcd!
  • Female Inquisitor - a Japanese "interrogation company" uses rape and torture to acquire sensitive information from targets. with all parties involved having big breasts.



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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Triangle (Review)

Triangle

Triangle (2010)

Directed by Christopher Smith

It's that time of year where I look at every body's Top 10 lists and watch the one's I think may make mine. So I saw that Triangle was on one of these lists and I gave it a shot.

It's no square.

Triangle delivers everything you want from a horror movie. Heightened Hitchcockian suspense, twizzler twists and turns and there is blood by the pint. For a movie created out of the UK/Australia that boasts a group of Aussies doing their best American accents, it delivers on everything you want in a horror thriller.

Your mind will trip out from the amount of WTF is in this film. So much head turning plot twists you may need to drink some Four Loko to get it all straight. It all comes full triangle and by the end you checking IMDB message boards and trivia to find out what's the what.

Well I did.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When Jess sets sail on a yacht with a group of friends, she cannot shake the feeling that there is something wrong. Her suspicions are realized when the yacht hits a storm and the group is forced to board a passing ocean liner to get to safety, a ship Jess is convinced she's been on before. The ship appears deserted, the clock on board has stopped, but they are not alone... Someone is intent on hunting them down, one by one. And Jess unknowingly holds the key to end the terror.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This review won't be that long because if I explained what's going on it would give away tons of good stuff. Like all movies like Inception, Sixth Sense, The Others you have to pay close attention to get the clues sprinkled throughout. But the film gets into the creamy filling quite quickly. Jess (Melissa George) and her friends go yachting, big storm, encounter strange ship. Spooky strange things happen on the ship.

SLIGHT SPOILERS below...

So we get into weird time travel mode and things get kooky doubly as they investigate the ship. Our crew gets bloodied and shot at and everything seems to revolve around Jess. The best comparison to Triangle is the low budget brilliant Timecrimes which I never reviewed because my head hurt after watching that awesomeness. I would say Triangle is a horror version of Timecrimes.
END SLIGHT SPOILERS

The performance of Melissa George is solid. She plays her part well evolving her character into different iterations. The rest of the cast are just stand ins to the reveals we see. Smith who directed the uber awesome Severance cleverly employs the stand by suspense techniques with Kubrick's The Shining and Hitchcock flicks. There's talk of mythology scattered throughout as the film creates its own. Sure there may be BIG plotholes and logic questions. Even I started questioning if our main hottie Jess did this or that, her dilemma would get resolved but I decided to go with it. When your watching a fantastico time triangle, you just have to shut down the old cerebral CPU.

The funny thing about Triangle is when you think it's over, it keeps hitting you with more crazy WTF.

Suffice it to say Triangle is the one flick I've seen this year that had me Wikipedia-ing, Googling and IMDB-ing after I saw it. I enjoyed the film but wanted to understand it completely. There is always one film a year that makes my Top 10 list that has me hitting the message boards to get some answers. That makes you think minutes, hours, days and months after you've seen it. I like seeing those films (though in small quantities).

Triangle tries to out clever you and it succeeds. You want a horror thriller to challenge you, make you really try hard to find out what's going on. As the ending approached I had my theories and I kinda knew what was going to happen. You can see the cliche coming but it's all good. You want to see THAT ENDING. The one you feel is coming.

Triangle does just that. It's definitely going to make my Top 10 List for 2010.

It's that time of year where I look at every body's Top 10 lists and watch the one's I think may make mine. So I saw that Triangle was on one of these lists and I gave it a shot.

It's no square.

Oh oh. Fuck me.

Gore-ipedia

Shotgun trauma
Head trauma
Slice and dice

Nude-ipedia

Melissa George for an hour and change is in a tight white tank top and Daisy Dukes. Yum.

WTF moment


A pile of dead bodies....say what?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

One of the year's best horror films you never heard of. Its out on DVD and probably on Netflix as well. One of the year's best....ARGHHHHH I better stop writing now.

The Vitals
Rating:






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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The WTF List: The Crazies (Review)

The Crazies I've noticed has ended up on a lot of Top 10 lists of late. Because I'm always late I figured needed to see this to see what's the what. So what's the what? It was OK. A decent horror remake that actually lives up to the original by making it modern and believable. I'm not sure this movie is making the Top 10 of my list but it was filled with some good moments and a few moments of utter panic.

The Crazies gets a WTF List because you've all seen it already and I drank some tainted water.

On to the list!

1.) Wow, Iowa looks demographically correct. I didn't spot one minority in the entire flick. Hollywood went believable in this one.
2.) I like my crazy in small morsels of childacide
3.) If you've got a bonesaw in a movie...it has to be good
4.) Never humanize the gas mask wearing army... I like my military vague and scary
5.) That is Radha Mitchell as the hot blonde doctor...I forget sometimes my Pitch Black cast members at times
6.) One thing you can count on is redneck hunters will kill for sport whether or not they are infected or not
7.) Pitchforks aren't utilized in enough horror movies...somebody bring us the pitchfork slasher!
8.) If you got a flamethrower in a film, you've won points on my scorecard.
9.) I thought Iowans were good citizens and did everything the government told them...you know like dying.
10.) Oh mama, what a carwash scene. This is your WTF Moment and it's a helluva scene. Note to self - go to bikini car washes only
11.) Everybody turns crazy eventually...that's why you have to be friends with people who already crazy....because they turn normal...or more crazy. I'm not sure which.
12.) So if the wife gives birth will the baby be crazy too? I wanna see crazy baby in its own movie.
13.) Knife through the hand trauma through the neck trauma was pretty good trauma
14.) I realized I would be screwed during some sort of mass population apocalypse. I have no hand to hand combat skills, no firearms and I can't run really fast. But the one skill I do have is that I can mooch on people that do have those things.
15.) I've been to Des Moines, Iowa. That's the most middle of America I've ever been to.
16.) If your acting crazy in New York, we'd give you our loose change.
17.) There has gotta be better containment procedures than killing everybody. You know, maybe give them 20 Advils...or better yet 3 Aleves.
18.) A bomb being detonated in Iowa wouldn't prevent me from not going to work the next morning...that fallout is like a million miles away
19.) They should have had the same character in Romero's Crazies where they had the crazy scientist.
20.) Was it better than the remake? Ehhhhh it was OK. But with DADT now repealed I think we'll have a less eviler army, don't you?

Now, I'm going to drink my bottle of Fiji water. I doubt its tainted.


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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Back Room (Review)

The Back Room

The Back Room (2010)

Directed by Tim Stover

You'd think Las Vegas would be a perfect place to make grindhouse movie. Strip away the glitz and glamour of Vegas and dig into the underbelly and it might be grimy and filthy and fucked up.

But somehow whenever there is a horror movie that takes place in Vegas, it feels like filmmakers miss the point and never use Vegas to its potential. That's what I thought when I watched this grindhouse homage The Back Room. It's in the same vain of the most famous serial killer exploitation film shot in Vegas Nick Palumbo's Murder Set Pieces.

They are eerily similar and almost run the same in some cases. The funny thing is I didn't like MSP when I saw it. It seemed kinda pointless, boring and not as shocking as you'd think it would be. And that's what I thought of The Back Room as well. It was supposedly "banned" from the US which might be a hook to get you to see it because it might be "too shocking". But at the end of the day, it's a low budget bait and switch propaganda shockfest that says I'm blood drenched insanity when its more of an 70 minute death metal music video instead.


Boring Plot-O-Matic

A man is haunted by his nightmares to the point he goes into a downward spiral to do anything that would appease this figure in his dreams. The audience gets to see what goes on insides of his head. It's a film that makes one wonder who the quiet neighbor living next to him really is. What would you do to make the nightmares go away?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

And death metal music video it is. William is our Dexter who seems to be clearly insane as he dreams of a ghostly woman who tells him to kill. And so he kills and kills and kills. He kills the girl that likes him, a hitchhiker, a prostitute and others. Throughout the movie, we can hear him narrate what's going inside his head. He doesn't want to kill these women but he's manipulated to.

So it goes.

The Back Room is clearly a low budget affair that tries all the tricks of being an grindhouse movie. It has the old timey Tarantino/Rodriguez feature presentation intro, staticky lines, weird VHS saturation and a frenetic editing metal pounding to it.

My first gripe is that the tagline of "A modern take on the grindhouse horror" is cool and all but the whole point of the disclaimers, crappy editing and the numerous cigaratte burns and staticky lines is that's just how it was back in the 70s and 80s. If you put that in to make it feel grindhousey, setting it in modern times feels weird...y know? You really don't need that crap. I mean its not like your filming your movie with a video camcorder right? Shit, it was probably edited on a Mac.

You can be grindhouse with your themes and your splatter and nudity. No need for the gimmicks.

The splatter and gore in The Back Room is adequate. Lots of cliched kills for the gorehound. You know, spitting up blood, beatened heads and sliced hands and so forth. Yawn. I've seen worse gore in a PETA video.

The acting is mediocre and filled with lots of film noir narrating by our Dexter. The most WTF Moment has gotta be that in one scene where our serial killer is on the prowl, the death metal soundtrack is playing in the background. I couldn't hear a word between the killer and the killee during their conversation. Sure, you gotta get the music in there but not in what's suppose to be a tension filled scene.

Lots of flashbacks are also melded into the flick that were just rehash scenes from things we saw 3 minutes ago. I know it was for dreamlike effect but cmon now, that's just being lazy. In all honesty, it was one big death metal music video instead of a coherent grindhouse movie.

Even the women victims who could be relied on to fill that nudity staple was lacking. I mean I'm sure for a few chips and a all you can eat buffet, a few hot looking Vegas strippers would be in a horror movie.

Let me just say I appreciated the effort to make a modern day exploitation movie filled with serial killer wickedness, nudity and splatter. From talking to a lot of independent and indie horror filmmakers, it's an endeavor you go into and do your best at. Then you have some run of the mill horror blog say yucky things about it, well you gotta take your lumps. Tim Stover and his crew do the best they can but at the end of the day, they were a few years late on this concept.

With Murder Set Pieces having already getting the notoriety of a Vegas serial killer flick, it's kinda hard to see a movie in the same subgenre and not compare it. Even though I didn't like MSP, it had its moments, was original when it came out and was bloody awesmoerific.

The Back Room is MSP's little brother copying what big brother already did. Sorry little bro. Time to grow up and take a different path.

Gore-ipedia

Bat Bashing
Strangulation
Slice and dice
Blood drenched splatter
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Nude-ipedia

Beer goggle boobage

WTF moment


The soundtrack plays throughout the entire movie

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The film is still available in Canada. Let's just say if your eager to see every serial killer made, check out The Back Room. It does have a few crazy visuals that stick in my mind like a blood soaked tub filled with naked women and the visual of the aptly titled back room was a trip and half.

Hopefully, in Stover's next film he'll take Vegas and it's potential into a new horror frontier.

The Vitals
Rating:


Check out the trailer below.


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Monday, December 20, 2010

Ask The Jaded Viewer anything!

I figure what would be fun by answering your questions. I know everybody doesn't like leaving a comment as you have to login and then do that word verify captcha. I know its annoying. So let's try this via Formsping and see how it goes.

You can ask me anything you want and I'll try to answer it with Buffy quotes and vague horror references. Please keep the insults at a minimum.

Here be the Formspring box. Ask away!



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Friday, December 17, 2010

Adam Green's Hatchet II (Review)

Hatchet II

Adam Green's Hatchet II (2010)

Directed by Adam Green

By now you've heard about the controversy that surrounded Hatchet 2's theatrical release. It was pulled mid run from theaters from AMC who cited "poor performance" at the box office. But the horror-sphere will argue that releasing an uncut, unrated and uncensored version of the movie in theaters was a huge gamble by Dark Sky Films and AMC and it was pulled because it contained too much exteeminess, gore and splatter.

Arguments aside Hatchet 2 deserved at least a decent theatrical run to prove old school American horror can survive theatrically. When all that floods US theaters are PG-13 3D CGI kills snoozefests, one can only wonder if the 80s inspired slasher films can survive in this climate. Obviously not.

But on the merit of a horror film, Hatchet 2 is a sequel that literally starts off where the last one ended. Everything about Hatchet 2 follows the sequel formula to a tee. It's been said before that Green's Hatchet is to Alien as Green's Hatchet 2 is to Aliens. Hunters abound in the sequel and all hell breaks loose. But we'll get to that in a sec.

Hatchet 2 is an unapologetic splatter slasher flick that says "Fuck You" to the other horror movies of 2010. It's the big bully in the room that taunts you, gives you wedgies, makes you feel sympathetic towards it then punches you in the face and takes your lunch money. Straight out, it's one of the best horror movies of 2010 and will easily make my top 10 list.

Victor Crowley slaughtered his way into a great rookie season in the original. Here he gives more of the same. It's the same formula and somehow it works again. I might as well go with my same review formula to.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Marybeth escapes the clutches of the deformed, swamp-dwelling iconic killer Victor Crowley. After learning the truth about her family's connection to the hatchet-wielding madman...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you are any kind of horror fan, you will appreciate Hatchet 2 for what it is. A fun, goofy gorefest slasher film. It doesn't take itself seriously and if you just relax and take it all in, you know Adam Green is winking at you with a few inside jokes. If you missed it, here are a couple.
  • The film starts off exactly where the first film ended
  • Adam Green makes a cameo as Ben and Marcus's friend whose still in New Orleans
  • The character Chad references living in Glen Echo and if they heard about Leslie Vernon (referencing Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon)
  • The character Parker from Adam Green's movie Frozen is seen briefly on the TV in Reverend Zombie's voodoo shop speaking to news cameras about her lawsuit and settlement against the ski mountain from the film.
  • Troma's Lloyd Kaufman makes a cameo as one of the would be hunters
But let's get to the standard slasher jaded viewer checklist for this review

What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Hatchet 2 achieve everything on this list?

1.) Does the movie have..... a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Check.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity?

Check. Plus we get a cameo from our former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member. You can't go wrong with the best nudity in a horror film. Gratuitous nudity. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Partial check. Well it's more like redneck caricatures who are old people who die gruesome and horrific deaths. Old people dying is fun.

4.) No Plot?

Check. It's a check in the fact that sure in Hatchet 2 we get to know a little more about the backstory of our freak show Hatchet face Victor Crowley. Seems like he's a bit Obama-ish which explains why he has the body of Ray Lewis. More Crowley mythology was OK but it wasn't necessary. You tell me he's a ghost/spectre from the swamp, I'm good.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem?

Check. I especially enjoyed the double saw as well as the hatchet in the vagina kill. Parry Shen has now been killed twice and both were solid. Poor Parry. Some face scraping and propeller trauma weren't that original but Green was quite creative on the kills. I give the kills a B+.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Sorta Check. A few fodder victims never believe the legend and get to meet good ole Vic up close in person. Hot girl Marybeth takes charge and Danielle Harris does a great job in being the final girl. Her Southern drawl accent came and went but I let it go. Her uber hotness and cuteness negates any "bad acting". Parry Shen is hilarious as Justin, twin brother of Shawn from the first movie. I like how he had the faux goatee like he was the evil twin. Tony Todd plays creep Rev. Zombie who knows how to kill Crowley. But his theory is as good as looking it up on Wikipedia.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. A former couple add some random sex before they're eliminated. We get a token black guy making token black guy funnies that come out flat.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check. Tony Todd is the only one in Hatchet 2 but when he's battling Victor Crowley I was like: "It's Candyman vs Jason!!!! This is fuckin awesome!!!!"

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Actually...well.....ummm....no?

If you haven't seen the original, seeing these movies back to back makes the Hatchet series a solid entry to the American slasher genre. It's not as good as the first one as the characters in Hatchet 2 were more of the locals rather that the funny, goofy tourists. But the on screen kills were all top notch and quite creative.

And at the end of the day, your going to watch Hatchet 2 to see those gallons of blood tossed on a tree. I mean it's such an old school effect but somehow I don't mind. I don't need to see CGI kills to be a happy horror boy. All I need are dumb victims, a secluded area and a body being twisted in a way that's not humanly possible.

It's that same formula that worked in the 80s, worked in the 90s and worked the aughts. And it works. Hatchet 2 is old school American horror. Got that motherfucker?

Gore-ipedia

See checklist item #6

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous


WTF moment


Double saw kill...fuckin awesome

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Hatchet 2 is already on Video on Demand and will come out on BluRay/DVD on February 1st. Many in the horror blogosphere have made it their mission to support Adam Green and unrated horror. As a horror fan, you should be for this when it comes to horror movies that deserve it.

Hatchet 2 is violent, sick and twisted. It's a gorehound's delight and a top notch slasher flick. It deserves your support and will show up on my Top 10 list for sure.

The Vitals
Rating:






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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Things I Learned Researching Japanese Genki Porn on the Internet

After my random discovery of this YouTube subculture that embraces sick and twisted fucked up films, I have to say I applaud some of them for owning the sickest shit I've ever heard of. I mean many films on their list are now commonplace in the world of mainstream underground horror. Guinea Pig Series, August Underground trilogy and your standard rape and revenge flicks are now readily available for purchase. Back in the day, the only way to get these flicks was through horror trading and conventions.

Call me a fuddy duddy, but it was a little exciting back in the day to get these movies via VHS through a 3rd generation dub, but with the advent of the intertubes anybody can download them from a torrent site or through eBay.

But it seems even the hardcore of the hardcore obtain films that have not made it yet to the mainstreemy underground. Most of the YouTubers mentioned owning Genki porno films. I was vaguely familiar with this Japanese subgenre but it seems its just standard for these hardcore underground enthusiasts.

Japanese have their scat porn and their genki porn. It's a double whammy and honestly I've seen neither. I do not want to actually see this and my only viewing of shit eating was everybody's shared YouTube experience of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. So let's talk about the latter. Genki porn is the genius of Daikichi Amano who takes this fetish so far off the edge, I can't believe this actually exists on Planet Earth.

Daikichi started off doing straight Japanese AV, moved on to dog on human female porn then to bug eating and fish insertion in the hoohaa porn. But my discovery of the site where you can view this sick shit is mesmerizing to say the least.

Genki-Genki.com

I implore you to not click on this link if you're not prepared to see photos of some of the grossest shit ever put on the web. Thank the horror gods the videos are pay to see. One of the most interesting and hilarious things on the site are the Engrish translations of the titles.
  • The crunch a cockroach and abuse it with lechery

  • The red iron is eroded by a beating cockroach and earthworm

  • The insect that a cockroach makes noise in witty greed

  • The cockroach is jealous of an earthworm in a vagina to dislike

  • The helpless eyes by the neck torture

  • The earthworm is vagina in an adhering to desire and a spiral

  • Obscene doll that fritters white sigh and drops to black dripping

  • The tragedy that earthworm is bitten to skin and shouted

OK that's a few of these insane titles. The pictures that accompany the movies are dry heaves that will make even the most jaded viewer squirm. And squirmfest you will. Yikes. Never in my wildest imagination would this type of porn be a turn on.

But to each his own. If you ever said to yourself "Hey I always wanted to have eels and fish eggs inserted into my vagina or asshole" YOU to can star in your very own Genki!!! All you have to do is fill out a form. Ahhh the simplicity of the internet. Connecting fucked up porn fetish enthusiasts together.

"If you want to remain anonymous on film we will find a way to do that."

See? They're concerned about your privacy! Not like those bastards at Facebook. I mean your face is not going to be in most of the movie y'know?

I mean wouldn't you want to tell your parents you were in an actual motion picture?

Daikichi Amano is a weirdo.


Daikichi Amano is an odd man himself. His photos are quirky weird to say the least as you can see by clicking here to head to his official site. Lots of eel on woman, eel on man, cocoons, dolls and just overall weirdness. I mean his photos are sometimes happy. See happy Japanese girl eating earthworms!!!




Some are cute with a hint of yucky.



Then some are just outright vomitorium pics.




And finally others are just WTF?!?!




An Inside Look into Daikichi Amano and his world of Japanese eel porn.

Finally, the most informative thing I found was Viceland's video of Daikichi with a group of Americans as they got an inside tour of Japan and their obsession with anime and genki. This video gives a behind the scene look of Daikichi's creation of his "pornos"





If the video doesn't work, click here to watch it.

So now you know what I know. Are you now ill and feel nauseous now? Jeez, I am. I mean I feel like some of these photos are burned into my brain. The one final question you might be asking is:

WHAT THE HELL DOES GENKI MEAN?

Well this dude happily gives us the definition.





Well isn't that ironic. It means happy and full of life. I thought it meant "fucked up fuckedupness". Be genki!!!

Sorry folks, there will probably no reviews for genki porn on the jaded viewer. It's a line that I won't cross. What's yours?


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