Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Jaded Viewer Experiment: Share a Picture of your local movie theater!

That's my local theater. I'm not kidding. The movie theater I most go to is the AMC 25 in Times Square. I actually didn't take the picture above but it's such a better picture than something I could take.

But after going to Austin, TX and seeing the exterior of the Alamo Drafthouse I got intrigued of what everybody else's movie theaters look like. Sure we all don't live in a city and some of us live all over the world, I figured it'd be nice to share pictures of what your local movie theater looked like.

Is it a Loews? AMC? Regal? Is it located in a mall? A suburban parking lot? Or is it a mom and pop operation?

More so, what do the movie theaters look like in Europe specifically in England and France. I know I have some UK jaded viewers out there. Are your movie theaters owned by megaconglomerate corporations like in good ole America? How about in Australia or Japan? What does a Chinese or Filipino movie theater look like?

I'm also a little curious as to what kind of food you all have in different countries. The typical American movie cuisine consists of over sized popcorn, nachos grande and Raisinets...yes this is why we're totally fuckin fat.

Do they serve sushi in a Japanese movie theater? Wine in France? Please excuse my ignorance...I seriously am dumb about this shit.

So here's the experiment. Take a picture of your movie theater (exterior or interior...or whatever you want) and send it to me by either:
I'll try to gather everybody's pictures and organize it into something interesting to check out. I'm looking forward to what you all send in. And I will actually take a picture of a few local movie theaters around me and let you know what the movie theaters in NYC look like.

It's not as cool as you think.

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Monday, September 27, 2010

The 5 Hottest Actresses named "Jaime" in Entertainment

Sometimes you gotta break the monotony of horror-core posts with a feature that puts a smile on every alpha male's face (sorry girls, I'm pandering to my skewed male demographic). So after watching the 2MM plus YouTube views of a certain body wash "balls" commercial, I realized there were a lot of hotties with the first name Jaime or Jamie. You wouldn't think off hand there would be, but compiling 5 actresses or models was pretty easy.

So I've listed a Top 5 of the hottest actresses with that name in entertainment. No no, no need to thank me. I'm here to to put what all you red blooded male Americans are all thinking on the interwebs.

Onwards to the list!

5.) Jamie-Lyn Sigler

Where you've seen her: Meadow Soprano is all grown up but still can't park correctly. Let's forgive her for that already ok?



4.) Jaime Bergman

Where you've seen her: I remember seeing Jaime Bergman on an episode of Angel (where she met her now husband David Boreanaz) but she's been a Playboy Playmate and has had a variety of appearances on TV and movies.


3.) Jamie Chung

Where you've seen her: Former MTV Real World reality star, Jamie Chung is now infiltrating Hollywood with her Asian hotness. She was in Samurai Girl and Dragonball Evolution and now will star in Sucker Punch and Premium Rush.


2.) Jaime King

Where you've seen her: Horror wise, she was in My Bloody Valentine 3D (not looking smokin hot), They Wait and stars in the remake of Mother's Day. She's also been in tons of TV shows, Sin City and a new TV show called My Generation.

1.) Jaime Pressly

Where you've seen her: If you haven't seen a naked picture of Jaime Pressly, you're not looking hard enough. She starred in a string of Skinemax flicks and teen comedies before making it big in hits like My Name is Earl and that Axe commercial I was talking about. Now she plays the hottest white trash characters I've ever seen.

Jaime Pressly is the obvious #1 bar none.



*********************************

Did I miss any others? Maybe, so if you wanna chime in on a few other Jaimes, let me know. I think the next version will be hottest "Jena's". I've got a few names on that one too.

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Your Random Jean Claude Van Damme Movie Update

From time to time, I like to check in on the man who makes up the jaded viewer's rating system. Sure he turned down The Expendables but JCVD who last appeared in the aptly titled JCVD and Universal Soldier: Regeneration is still making movies....in Europe.

But after checking IMDB, its nice to see JCVD is making a new movie with Scott Adkins called Weapon (they actually fought one on one in The Shepherd: Border Patrol). Adkins is an action talent with serious awesome fight skills (think Van Damme circa Bloodsport).

So what's this about?

Rival assassins Jean Claude Van Damme & Scott Adkins — each of whom are masters of their respective weapons — form an uneasy alliance in their mission to take down a DEA-backed drug cartel.

Ahhhhhhhhh. Damn those DEA backed drug cartels! I wonder what JCVD's master weapon is. Ninja stars? Katana? Whip? AK47? Breadsticks?

Weapon is going to be a family affair as JCVD's daughter Bianca and his son Kristopher also star. A Facebook page for the movie has appeared as well some behind the scene photos. Sure I'm a little psyched but I'm not holding my breath. The Eagle Path STILL hasn't come out yet (this is the film he made when he turned down The Expendables...sigh)

I mean how hard is it to get distribution when he already has a built in audience? Could it be his fanbase has diminished? Are Van Damme fans watching MMA fights instead? Could it be that Insano Steve and I the only Van Damme fans left in the world?

Hello?
Anybody else a Van Damme fan?
Hello?
Bueller?

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Sky Has Fallen (Review)

The Sky Has Fallen

The Sky Has Fallen (2009)

Directed by Doug Roos

Indie horror is where ingenuity and creativity still lives. What filmmakers have to do when they have a limited budget is quite amazing. Think Sam Raimi with Evil Dead.

Doug Roos makes the most out of what he's got with The Sky Has Fallen. A simple wilderness setting, practical makeup and splatter effects, 2 main characters and a boatload of dialogue.

It's a testament to the indie spirit of making YOUR movie the way you want which is what Doug Roos and his team did. As for the movie, it is what it is as well.

The Sky Has Fallen is post apocalyptic, diseased ravaged mutant zombie movie with elements of The Road and Versus thrown in. It reminded me of Ink, a childhood fantasy movie come to life with its HD-ishiness and its dreamy special effects. But at the end of the day, it suffers from the limitations of being low budget. Everything I mentioned from the boring woods to the heavy dialogue makes it at times a yawnfest.

But the back to basics effects are a saving grace and the ambition to make a different kind of zombie movie makes The Sky Has Fallen something interesting to watch.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Within a couple of hours, a new disease wipes out almost all of mankind. Trying to avoid infection, people flee to remote locations, but they start seeing mysterious black figures, carrying away the dead and experimenting on them. Now, Lance and Rachel, two survivors determined to fight back, must kill the leader of these creatures before the rest of humanity disappears.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The first thing you'll notice is the movie is shot in tight closeups. As Roos mentions on the special features of the DVD, it's done this way because wider shots didn't come out all too well. But I have to argue we need a few long shots when watching a film because even the casual viewer gets vertigo watching something close up as our eyes are just not use to watching close ups all the time.

Our main protags, Lance and Rachel have suffered horrific hardships as this disease has ravaged mankind. Seems we don't just get no eyes no mouth zombies, we also get mutated, black cloaked demon like creatures as the disease evolves. As Lance and Rachel go all Fellowship of the Ring determined to kill the leader of this new mutation, they encounter other survivors including a priest and a dad and his kids.

However, the encounters all are with the black cloaked figures, zombie creatures and the leader who now invades their dreams. The movie seems like it's more of a horror fantasy rather than a straight "according to Hoyle" zombie film. Evolving demons are the main adversary and they are on a mission to make all of humanity suffer.

Most of the scenes are conversations between Lance and Rachel discussing a variety of their past lives and the budding romance between the 2. The 2 actors do a good job with their performances but the dialogue could have been more interesting. If it had, I'd have praised it for being better than your run of the mill zombie movie. But it's unfortunately not.

But the breakthrough performance here is the effects. The zombie makeup is quite extraordinary as closeups of the horde are so disgustingly awesome. Sure you get your blood splatter on a tree effect, (it's the most reliable camera trick). Top notch makeup and effects here.

The action scenes are all tight shots of gun shot penetration and slice and dice woundage. Splatter and gore are shown sporadically. It's a good effect but I got kind of bored by it. I don't need tons of splatter even in zombie movie. A couple of wide shots I believe could have worked here.

I know this is a big gripe but 70% of the movie is done with tight shots and closeups and it gave me a headache. I'm sure there was a way to shoot it with a few wider shots without it looking cheap.

Overall, the movie has a few interesting moments and does keep you guessing in its 70 minute run time. You sense Doug Roos had a complete vision in his mind but due to the challenge of low budget film making, he had to shoot and compromise with what he needed to do instead of what he wanted to do.

I've seen worse post apocalyptic zombie movies and I've seen better. The Sky Has Fallen is ambition meets reality. Sometimes reality wins.

Gore-ipedia

Close up splatter (inc. sword trauma and gun shots)

Nude-ipedia


Nada

WTF moment

The makeup effects

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Sky Has Fallen has won many awards and needs your help in getting distribution and marketing. You can go to the links below to support the film.
Rating:

Check out the trailer below!


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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Rare Exports (The Full Short Films and Trailer)

By now, you've probably seen the trailer for the upcoming film Rare Exports. I've posted it below if you missed it. Suffice it to say, this is a Christmas tale with a very unique spin that put a smile to my face.

What you may not know (hell I didn't know and both the shorts below went crazy viral years ago) is Jalmari Helander (who hails from Finland) actually made an 8 minute and 11 minute short before he made this movie. Done in a documentary style National Geographic video, its your intro into this world of this rare and exclusive Christmas import.

Sure, we may be over 3 months away from Christmas, but you can never not be in the mood for some holiday cheer. Check out the shorts below.

"The Hunt"




"Safety Instructions"




Well this year, we'll see a full movie on these shorts. From the reviews its getting, everybody thinks its awesome. I can't believe I totally missed these hilarious yet poignant shorts from 2003 and 2005. I'm glad I'm now caught up because Rare Exports is going to be one of the most classic, inventive and LOL awesome films to come out of Europe.

Check out the fully extended trailer for the upcoming movie below.



What are your thoughts on the shorts and upcoming movie? Let me know!

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hello fellow interweber! You've reached the jaded viewer's "About Me" page !

You've been Dim Maked!!!

Welcome to my About Me page fellow time traveler! I figured I should write one as I use a very old Blogger template as you can see and can't actually make pages using the new Blogger. One day I'll redesign the entire blog, but for now it is what it is.

Being the lazy fuck I am, I'm going to just repost the Mr. Horrorblogosphere entry I wrote for Zombies DON'T Run. That entry sums up everything I wanted to say about me and the site. So here be a Q&A you can enjoy between the jaded viewer and the jaded viewer. Why you would want to read this is beyond me.

Sorry no pictures you crazy stalkers.

Q: Who the fuck is the jaded viewer?

A: The simple answer is I'm Jeff and I'm from NYC and I dig the bosoms and the horror genre. The complicated answer is I'm the jaded viewer, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.

The jaded viewer, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless in a world of criminals who operate above the law. When I'm not battling my bizarro self, I work a steady Internet related job, enjoy the perks of living in the greatest city in the world and eat mucho nachos.

Q: What are some of your favorite horror films?


A:
My favorite horror film of all time is Romero's Dawn of the Dead because you know that one has zombies. I also have an international tint and dig the Takashi Miike (Ichi the Killer is stellar) and the arterial spraying gorefests of Japan. I respect the classics (Exorcist, The Shining, etc) but I adore the original NOES, Carpenter's Halloween and Friday the 13th Part 3 (yes part 3). Recent favorites have slanted French but Hatchet, The Descent and Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon have been standouts.

Q: What are some of your least favorite horror films?


A: I can't stand the remakes of almost anything Hollywood puts out. That's not to say I won't see them, but I dislike the fact they think they can nostalgia me to spend $10 in a theater to see something I can Netflix.

Q: Blogging can be fun as well as drama filled, so why do you keep doing it?

A: I keep asking the same question. I started the blog for a way for others to see the LOL reviews by Insano Steve and I. It's evolved into a place where I can hopefully give a few ha ha's to some like minded minions who enjoy the horror. You may not see it, but I get a happy when somebody comments on something I wrote and it makes them think, laugh or makes them fuming mad. A great philosopher once said and I quote:

"The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."

I couldn't agree more.

Q: Who's your favorite female lead in horror and why?

A: I'm going to go with Rose McGowan with Eliza Dushku a close second. Why Rose McGowan? Well #1, she's like uber hot in that Suicide Girls sorta way. She hasn't been in many horror movies, but her role in Planet Terror was bar none super duper awesome. She also played awesome victim fodder in Scream and was a top notch nihilist in Doom Generation. I got this wrong didn't I?

Q: What do you look for in a woman? Is liking horror movies required?

A: The first thing I look for is their feet. No, I don't have a Tarantino like feet fetish, I look at what kind of shoes a girl is wearing. I dig a girl who can sport some Chuck Taylors and look good in them. Sure, I'd like a woman who isn't squeamish when watching defenseless teens get slaughtered by a masked unstoppable killer but its not a requirement. If you can hold a conversation, talk like Diablo Cody or Joss Whedon it doesn't matter if you look like Buffy or Willow (but she has to love the Whedon).

Q: Who is your biggest inspiration?


A: Sure, you'd like me to say its my parents, another blogger, a famous movie director or some horror movie that imprinted the horror on me. But I'd have to go with my local video store in the neighborhood I grew up in. Thank you bored and indifferent video store clerk for renting R rated horror movies to young tween me. If it were not for his blatant disregard of store policy, I would never have gotten my horror fix at an impressionable young age.

But I get my inspiration from most of the horror blogosphere (just can't name one site) as all these bloggers know the pulse of the horror universe.

Q: How would you best describe your blog?


A: The Jaded Viewer is a spinkick into the world of horror, splatter, cult, grindhouse, indie and exploitation films.You'll get funny reviews, WTF Lists, lists of pure randomness, horror hotties, profiles of indie shorts,community threads and possibly some trailers you haven't seen yet. Did I mention my rating system is based on Van Damme spinkicks? Also, I have a running joke where if a quote from a review I’ve written appears on the back of a DVD box, I will immediately terminate the blog.

If you want to send me gifts, screeners or M&Ms, you can reach me at jadedviewers at yahoo dot com

Look I even won some awards from the blogosphere!

Awards-O-Matic







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Monday, September 20, 2010

Haunted House NYC: Nightmare: Superstitions Opens September 24th!


Sure it's over a month away from Halloween, but that doesn't mean you can't get your scare on. Because NYC's best haunted house is planning on making you feel really uncomfortable as you break every superstition you hold dear in Timothy Haskell's latest incarnation of his Nightmare series of live action haunted houses.

This year, it's Nightmare: Superstitions.

So what's this one about? Let's go straight to the official site.

Visitors to NIGHTMARE: SUPERSTITIONS enter a surreal insane asylum. The patients have voluntarily admitted themselves, seeking protection from the danger they perceive is awaiting them because they broke a superstition. They feel they’re safe behind padded walls, and that they can be set free if NIGHTMARE patrons break these superstitions and accept bad luck themselves. They have to…it's the only way out!

FUN HOUSE, a smaller, equally demented haunted attraction, is the second component of this year’s NIGHTMARE. Here, the inmates are truly running the asylum in a twisted carnival-style event that visitors walk through before they experience the main attraction.

NIGHTMARE: SUPERSTITIONS runs from September 24 through November 6.

Yes, it’s scary.

As you know, I went to last year's version which was about Vampires and I had an awesome time describing it as follows:

"An uber sensory overload that heightens your hearing, vision, smell, touch and taste. You will scream, shout, laugh and be utterly mesmerized. Believe me, it's not for the faint of heart."


I can't wait to see what's in store for this year. So what are the superstitions you'll have to face beside the insane mental patients scaring the bejesus out of you? Well Tim Haskell has revealed all 13 in the video below.





Think you can endure these superstitions? Care to challenge these curses? Brave enough to challenge these myths? Well here is your first one. Click on the video below!





So what superstitions are you scared of the most? Do you really believe in any? Could you endure 13 of em?

If you're in the NYC area, I think we all might have to try our luck. Nightmare: Superstitions opens up this Friday, September 24th!

Check out the below for more information:

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Friday, September 17, 2010

Who should be in the Action Hero Hall of Fame?

After watching The Expendables, I was disappointed in the fact that assembling a bunch of heavy duty action stars didn't just equal super uber awesomeness. We saw the "Big Three" in one scene for the first time. It's a given if there was an Action Star Hall of Fame, these 3 names would be the first ones inducted.

Arnold Schwarenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis have the stats, cred and films to make their induction a foregone conclusion. I'd even throw in posthumously Bruce Lee and maybe even Chuck Norris and Jet Li in there.

But as of today, who else could get the votes to join these guys?

Well, I'm going to put a poll in the right nav bar with the nominees below. You can go ahead and vote who you think should be in the HOF. But first here are 4 that can make a case for getting in.

I know there are probably some write in votes, so if you have somebody in mind leave em in the comments. Also, I'm not forgetting about our favorite action heroines. We'll get to that one at a later date.


1.) Jean Claude Van Damme

Why he should get in: Bloodsport is the pinnacle of full contact tournament movies. Throw in Univeral Soldier and one of my hidden gems Lionheart and he has a resume of uber action.

Best Movie: Bloodsport

Why he should NOT get in: Early success led to a later straight to dvd crapfest. Van Damme's insistence on "character action" has led to most of his movies ending up in the dollar bin and an absence from any American theatrical releases.


2.) Steven Seagal

Why he should get in: Seagal's 90s movies were "I beat em up and I don't even get hurt at all" slaughterfests. An American turned Japanese who seemed to create a new kind of action hero. He's stayed relevant with a few name flicks with the last being Machete.

Best Movie: Under Siege

Why he should NOT get in: Seagal also ended up in the dollar bin with bad straight to dvd snoozefests. Action stars usually get beaten up and redeem themselves at the end. Seagal never ever got a scratch on him. Where's the action in that?



3.) Will Smith

Why he should get in: The Fresh Prince is the most bankable Hollywood action star. His movies gross obscene amounts of money, he's got the humor, the brawn and the kick ass attitude.

Best Movie: Independence Day

Why he should NOT get in: He's tried to move away from the action cinema and gone towards more dramatic roles. His action resume is shorter than the others on this list.


4.) Jackie Chan

Why he should get in: He made the kung fu/comedy action movie popular again and took action scenes to another level. Nobody can duplicate these scenes of insane martial arts with funny ha ha's. Chan's action resume is insane.

Best Movie: Police Story

Why he should NOT get in: His first stint into American action cinema didn't go well and his latest movies have lacked the "oooomphh" of his early work. Those Rush Hour movies were kinda ugh no?

***************************************

OK, now it's your turn. I know you have others you want to nominate and you should. So go ahead and chime in. Who else should be on this list?

Now out of these random 4 action stars, who DESERVES to be in the Action Hero Hall of Fame with the other 3??? Oh BTW, explain why they should be in there.

[Cue gunfire into gas tank and big explosion]

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

From Black Devil Doll director Jonathan Lewis comes "The Black Box"! (Trailer)

I have my favorite indie horror directors and I usually keep track of what they're up to. But yesterday, I recently found out what Jonathan Lewis (director of Black Devil Doll) had been working on. Can you say a horror anthology movie?

With The Black Box, we are going to get 4 stories wrapped around a little boy watching his favorite horror TV show.

Here be the plot.

Eight year old Bobby is a strange boy. Between spying on his teenage sister's sexual exploits, and peeping at his prostitute mother in the nude. Bobby loves to watch the midnight horror shows. But when the host of Bobby's favorite horror show begins speaking to Him directly, and the people in his life dreadfully appear to him on television, the lines of reality and fiction start to blur!!

So what are the 4 mini flicks in The Black Box? See below.
  • "Freddie and the Goblins" segment by Scott Dawson & David Sherbrook
  • "Wax Off" segment by Buz Danger Wallick (starring Joe Pilato)
  • "Thirsty" segment by Andrew Kasch (starring Tiffany Shepis, Joe Lynch andMichael Bailey Smith)
  • "Mister Video"segment by Jonathan Lewis & Jerry Franck.
To check out a trailer or preview of the segments above, head over to the video section on the Facebook page for The Black Box.

Now that we got all that out of the way, you can finally check out the trailer below.



The big news is that THE BLACK BOX world premiere will take place at The New Beverly Cinema (that be in Los Angeles) on Friday night October 29th 2010 at Midnight!

You can buy tickets here.

I'll admit, I've watched the trailer a few times now and it looks bloody awesome. With Lewis teamed up with Infested Films, this horror anthology might make Creepshow look like a Disney film. Trick R Treat? That was so 2009.

The Black Box might make us all start talking to the TV.

For more info head over to the Facebook page and become a follower on Twitter!

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Spring Break Massacre (Review)

Spring Break Massacre

Spring Break Massacre (2008)

Directed by Michael Hoffman

According to IMDB Trivia, Spring Break Massacre was filmed in only 6 days and with one camera.

Welcome to the world of low budget horror.

With the Hollywood reboot of Piranha 3D, not only has Hollywood tried to reboot grindhouse films, but they're even trying to bring back those 80s campy horror films. You know the ones...gratuitous nudity, ridiculous dialogue and tons of carnage and blood.

So it wasn't long that we'd see more 80s horror rebooted. With Spring Break Massacre, director Michael Hoffman reboots the slumber party/spring break genre , indie horror style. You have to give him credit, for a movie shot in 6 days, one camera, limited funds and a multi cast and crew, the movie came out looking pretty solid.

But it's still plagued by a hiccupy screenplay, flashbacks upon flashbacks and cameos that seem gratuitous as the nudity.

But aside from that, Spring Break Massacre loads up on everything you want from a movie that's called Spring Break Massacre. There's spring break, there is a massacre and their are tons of awesome top only nudity that puts a smile in every alpha male's face. Throw in some generic kills and you got a indie throwback that should make every horror fan sigh after paying $16 for some 3D flick.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A sleepover party during spring-break turns deadly for six beautiful sorority co-eds. Stanley Peterson, convicted serial killer, has escaped from maximum security prison. It's up to the college cuties to unravel the mystery of their assailant before the night is over.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If your reading this review, all you wanna know is the following:
  • How much nudity is in the film?
  • Are there any good scenes of splatter and gore?
  • Does this movie have a crazy slasher or twist ending that makes you go WTF?
The quick answers are yes, yeah and yes on both. C'mon now don't stop reading just yet. Don't you want to know a little more?

First let me say the "spring break" in Spring Break Massacre is a little misleading. Sure it takes place during spring break but if you're thinking the beer and wet t-shirt contests from Piranha 3D, these aren't the boobies you're looking for. Instead we go from lakeside spring break montages in a small Illinois town to a horror slumber party genre flick in a few short scenes.

CAMEO-PALOOZA!

So when we're not hanging out with our oversexed, drugged up white coeds, we meet the local sheriff (Reggie Bannister from Phantasm) and his deputy Hendricks (Linnea Quigley). Part of every spring break/slumber party movie is to chill with the police and show how inept they are and we get that feeling from the cameos from our stars. My gripe here is we spend too much time with our local law enforcement. It's good to have the horror star power of the past, but short cameos work best.

I LOVE ME SOME BOOBIES

See? I knew you'd keep reading if I wrote that. Let's be real. Sometimes indie horror movies will not get the best looking actors and actresses. But Spring Break Massacre really felt like a real throwback. The guys look like jock-o-douchebags and the girls, wowsers. Holy fuckin hawtness. These girls were actually hot (aside from a pimple faced Asian and a chubby chubster). And they get totally nude (OK boobies nude but they are all real and spectacular)

You rarely see this in low low low budget horror (I'm thinking this isn't as low budget as I think it is). The standout is our lead Heather (Sarah Minnic) who is gives a Jaime Pressly like performance of hot blonde meets funny facial expressions. The other girls all follow your usual sorority stereotypes as we have: "the smoker", "the lesbian", "the hot brunette", "the other hot blonde" and "the virgin".

Before we can get to our kills, we get our campy camp humor. This is illustrated in a scene where the guys fantasize what the girls are doing at their girls only slumber party. These lead to dream sequences that were LOL. But we just don't get a few sporadic random boobage. Other scenes of aborted skinny dipping and a lesbian shower scene are added in. If there is one thing Spring Break Massacre did well, it was making sure gratuitous nudity was used gratuitously.

IS THAT A KNI-.....OWWWWWWWWWWWWW


So a lot of red herring killers are touted in front of us. Who is the mysterious killer? Is it the wrongly accused escaped convict? A "To Catch a Predator" creepy neighbor? Or is it one of our spring break bunch? Hoffman throws in many probables to get us confused. This is repeated as we see our creepy neighbor (Bob Farster) show up to scare the girls and act all perverty.

Most of what we see is after carnage kills. Bodies littering the house and a few quick cuts to death. It's not until the end does it go all splater-palooza. Some of the kills are basic, nothing I'm writing Fangoria about.

I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON

A few of the weirdness from Spring Break Massacre comes in the use of grainy black and white flashbacks that are intertwined in the film. As the twist is revealed and motive is explained we even get full flashbacks of scenes we've already seen!

The biggest problem is the bulk of the movie is told in a flashback. We see one of our characters in the aftermath of the massacre pretty much showing that she survives. I hated this. Why do this? It takes out the fun of "who will survive" aspect of a horror film. Saw did this and that's why I disliked the first flick.

When our killer is finally revealed it doesn't make sense. I can "get it" that it's not suppose to make sense because all those spring break/slumber party/sorority house/summer camp horror movie killers never made sense and always had odd motives for why they killed. We get a full explanation of why the slasher kills in SBM. I just didn't like it.

Spring Break Massacre is a throwback to the glory days of 80s camp horror. Most of us today don't appreciate this genre if we're not wearing funny glasses. But I appreciate this subgenre of horror and I know Michael Hoffman does to. In every scene, you know Hoffman is parodying the Roger Corman labeled spring break movies but also making one for today.

The formula for these movies is pretty simple. Tits, slaughtered teens, a crazy slasher and then more tits. Spring Break Massacre is exactly that, nothing more and nothing less. And at least it didn't cost me $16 fuckin dollars.

Gore-ipedia

Gunshot wounds
Knife trauma
Head bashing
After carnage bodies

Nude-ipedia


Lots and lots and lots.

WTF moment

The final line in the movie.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I appreciated this indie effort to reboot this genre. If you want to see what Michael Hoffman can do with actually funds, you can support him by "liking" the Facebook page. It seems they are about to get started on the reimagining/sequel to this film.

Kudos to Hoffman and his team. I'm looking forward to see what a bigger budget will bring.

Want to see what the fuss (and boobies) are all about?

Also check out the official site. Also you can buy the DVD at Amazon.com, Best Buy or Blockbuster. It's also on Netflix. Support indie horror dammit!

Rating:

Check out the trailer below!


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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Piranha 3D (Review)

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D (2010)

Directed by Alexandre Aja

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve who "copped a feel" from a 3D boob]

After the disaster that was 'My Bloody Valentine 3D', I was totally over the whole 3D craze. But as usually is the case with me, I never learn.

Reading all the great reviews for 'Pirahna 3D', really got me excited. So hyped up in fact, I made it a point to see it while it was still in theaters, in order to experience it in all of it's 3 dimensional glory.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's break this down to easily digestible morsels of awesomeness.

Plot: Spring breakers descend upon Lake Havasu for their annual drunken debauchery. Hot on the trail is a sleazy 'Girls Gone Wild'-like movie producer (played by the awful Jerry O'Connell). Jerry is led around by a local teenager who knows the area. A recent seismic event has awakened a prehistoric form of super piranha in the lake. Much much teenage death and dismemberment ensues.

Could prehistoric piranha possibly be living in a subterranean lake underneath Lake Havasu? Um, probably not. But those teenagers must die, and this is the reason.

3D: Let's just get this out of the way. The 3D helps a little bit but definitely nothing dramatic. Some of the gore looks different with the help of the 3 dimensions, but I don't really think I would have enjoyed this any less in 2D.

Gore: Now this is where this movie excels. The surreal ending when the full scale piranha attack comes is unforgettable. The entire student body screaming in pain as half eaten bodies are dragged to shore and the entire lake literally overflows with blood, reminds me of why I watch horror in the first place. Good times.

Here's my Top 5 favorite kills from the movie (SPOILER ALERT:)

5.) The annoying Eli Roth is rescued out of the water onto a boat. But whoops, Eli forgot the lower half of his body in the water! That's gotta hurt.

4.) A wire that holds up the stage that the strippers dance on snaps. This broken wire proceeds to snap back and slice a buxom co-ed completely in half (right between the cleavage!) Best large breasted kill in the movie.

3.) One of the 'Girls Gone Wild' ends up underneath the boat. One enterprising piranha decides to swim into her vagina and literally eats it's way out of her, exiting through her mouth. Superb creativity.

2.) Probably everrybody else's favorite kill is poor Jerry O'Connell getting brutally eaten alive, and most painfully, losing his penis in the struggle. The 2 pirahna subsequently fighting over his severed member definitely provides a good laugh.

1.) My personal favorite doesn't directly involve the piranha and is not even a confirmed death. A co-ed struggling to swim to shore gets her hair caught in the outboard motor of a boat. The motor continues to run, pulling her hair so hard that it pulls off her entire face! This is as good as it gets people!

T&A: So much tit. So much ass. In 3D. Give credit to the director for getting well endowed females to bare all here. Piranha 3D definitely delivered on the nudity. This was the first movie I've seen with model, Kelly Brook. It was well worth the wait. She plays another Girl Gone Wild. And yes, she gets naked.

WTF moment

Paying $16.50

The Insano Steve's Final Prognosis

In conclusion, hey a 3D horror movie can be good after all. As long as it is good as a 2D movie first. Don't be fooled just by the 3D part. Although, something must be done about the pricing. $16.50 for a 3D movie makes these things hard to recommend.

But in the end, if you know what to expect here (a fun gore-filled teenage t&a slaughter fest), well then Piranha 3D delivers on that. Whether that means I'll go see Piranha 4D (or whatever they call the sequel), that remains to be seen, .....

Rating:

Check out the trailer below!





Ving Rhames slaughters fishies



Piranha 3D Chew on this
Uploaded by teasertrailer. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

NSFW Wild Wild Girls Trailer (or I love boobies)



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Monday, September 13, 2010

School Yard Nostalgia Month: Poltergeist scared the hell out of 8 year old me!

Over at Big Daddy Horror Reviews it's School Yard Nostalgia Month. BDHR is asking the question: What's your first horror film experience?

I decided to participate and had to think waaaaay back on what it was. Obviously, as you can see from the picture above it was Poltergeist.

Go inside the jaded viewer's memory banks and read up on how Poltergeist affected 8 year old me over at Big Daddy Horror Reviews.

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Thursday, September 09, 2010

Rewind: Swamp Thing (Review)

Swamp Thing

Swamp Thing (1982)

Directed by Wes Craven

[this rewind review brought to you by the jaded viewer's first guest reviewer Dylan Duarte, who secretly works at Area 51]

When watching a film a few decades old, especially a horror film, you have to adjust your expectations. Well, you don't have to, but you might be disappointed. You should expect camp and you should expect cheese, partly because of traditional effects, and partly because what worked back then is just different than what works now.

So I went into Swamp Thing with these expectations and was pleasantly surprised by the lack of either, though Adrienne Barbeau's hair is very much a product of the 1980s.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After a violent incident with a special chemical, a research scientist is turned into a swamp plant monster.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Swamp Thing tells the story of scientist Alec Holland (Ray Wise), who runs a research station in the middle of a swamp, working on plants. He develops a chemical that makes plants overly aggressive, which he hopes will help them survive in harsh conditions. Unfortunately, the dastardly Dr. Anton Arcane (Louis Jourdan) wants Holland's research for himself and employs a group of mercenaries to take it by force. In the ensuing battle, Holland comes into contact with the chemical and is transformed into the monstrosity known as Swamp Thing.

The immediate problem, as someone who's familiar with Swamp Thing, is the lack of moss and other leafy greens that should be decorating the creature's body. Swamp Thing has always looked like something of a giant plant, whereas in this adaptation he's just a smooth, green-skinned giant that looks more like the Hulk. Not only is it disappointing as a fan, but it also takes away one of the more unique aspects of the character. Now he just looks like any old thing you'd see in a creature feature, when he should look like a living, breathing salad.

Granted, a disgusting living, breathing salad, but one all the same. This may seem nitpicky, but it really does damage the overall feel of the movie and makes it seem more derivative than it actually is.

The acting is exactly what you'd hope for, especially with Arcane. Jourdan chews the scenery all to hell in the classic villainous pursuit of power. Barbeau is a tough cookie as Alice Cable, a government agent sent to protect the lab. She's reminiscent of Sigourney Weaver's Ripley in the Alien franchise. Not only does she look similar, but she displays the same scared confidence. She doesn't know what the hell is happening, but she's not going down without a fight.

And then there's Ray Wise, who takes his role much more seriously than he probably needed to but the movie is so much better for it. It's difficult to truly embrace a character when you're so familiar with the actor, but that's an issue with the viewer, not the actor, and Wise deserves credit for breaking through that barrier.

And then there's Jude, a young man that Cable meets while running from Arcane's goons. Jude is played by Reggie Batts, who to this day has never starred in another movie nor a television show. Batts gives one of those performances that blurs the line between terrible and amazing, because he isn't really acting. He's just himself, Reggie Batts, and he's gotten caught up in some monster madness in the Louisiana Bayou. He looks something like Steve Urkel and he talks like Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle and he's far and away the best part of the movie.

Unfortunately, the cheese begins to creep its ugly head in as we near the end and the movie takes a serious downhill turn that embraces the horror clichés of the time. It's truly disappointing where Swamp Thing ends up, especially considering what it started out as. It's still a good movie, but if it had the stayed the course that it established early on, it could've been something great.

"Dylan Duarte is a horror buff and writer who regularly writes about
StarCostumes.com He can be reached at dylnduarte at gmail.com."

Rating:

Check out the trailer below!



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