Monday, May 31, 2010

Incest Death Squad 2 (Trailer)

Cory Udler dropped me a line telling me the trailer to the sequel to his overseas cult sensation Incest Death Squad is now available for public consumption. As you know, the original DVD cover art had my quote of the trailer up on it which I'm really proud of. I also reviewed the original to a mixed rating.

But Udler has told me part 2 has nixed its Troma-ish color and got seriously serious and gritty. Hardcore shit for Incest Death Squad 2? We shall see.

Set to release in September, your favorite brother and sister incesty combo is back. Let's see if IDS2 pushes the proverbial exploitation meter up a notch.

Check out the trailer below.



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Friday, May 28, 2010

When Roommates Attack: 2LDK (Watch the entire film!)

How do I find some of the movies I watch? It's usually via 6 degrees. You watch one film from a director (in this case Kitamura) and that leads to another film which leads to another, etc. Or then again, I ask Insano Steve what he's been watching.

2LDK is one of those films.

Part of the Duel Project (read about that here) Yukihiko Tsutsumi's 70 minute roommate versus movie is part black humor part chick on chick violence. And it's fuckin awesome on so many levels.

So what's this about?

Nozomi and Lana share an apartment in Tokyo. They have both auditioned for the same role in a movie, and know that the shortlist has been cut down to just the two of them. As they wait the night before finding out who will get the role, their personality clashes erupt into an all-out battle.

Just pure hatred by Nozomi and Lana as they fuck up each other's shit and battle until the last woman is standing. Seriously, this is a hilarious, twisted flick on so many levels. If you've ever had a roommate, you know what its like to have somebody get under your skin. But usually it doesn't involve katanas, chainsaws and knives.....or does it?

Enough talk. Somebody has put the entire movie (with English subtitles!) on YouTube. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. Now you can watch it too. I've posted all the parts below. Get your katana out and slice and dice!

First, the trailer.





OK here is the entire movie. Tell me what you think if you watch the entire movie. It's only 70 min!

















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Thursday, May 27, 2010

WTF Films: Subconscious Cruelty

I've documented how my horror persona "the jaded viewer" came to be. With posts about the 5 Horror Movies that shaped my horror psyche and 5 websites that inspired this site, its a little glimpse into how the jaded viewer became jaded. The fact that I did a bit of horror trading back in the day has indeed made me witness some of the worst the best and the WTF of horror films.

But I'm going old school here. Some of you have heard of Subconscious Cruelty. Others have not. But if you have seen this visual mind fuck, you know where I'm going.

So introducing yet another ongoing feature, I bring you WTF Films. Films that are waaaaaaaaay over the edge when it comes to extreme underground horror.

Directed by Karim Hussain and produced by Mitch Davis, Subconscious Cruelty isn't an actual story driven movie but more of vignettes that make you question your morality. Truly one of the first shock movies of the 90s and early 00's, its there to obliterate your senses with scenes of full frontal nudity, deviant sex, masturbation, cannibalism and religious defamation.

Plus there is lots of bodily fluids oozing all over the fuckin place. Wanna see what I mean? Check out the clips below (OBVIOUSLY NSFW!)


Here is a weird Japanese trailer of the flick. Hahaha. I like how they compare it to David Lynch and David Cronenberg. It's a little more extreme than that dude.





Here's a couple of scenes of nekkidness and cannibalism and religious fuckedupness.




Not sick yet? Wanna see what they came up with for a birth of a baby scene No? C'mon yeah you do you fucked up mental case you.




I'm not saying it's good or bad, but you do start to wince quite a bit after watching the whole 92 min film. I mean even the clips above are quite gruesome and sickening. Sure it could all be artsy fartsy and avante garde. Showing tons of taboo shit in a film while narrating with Bad Religion like lyrics may be "intellectual" and metaphoric to some. Others will find it just a pile of heaping, smelly shit.

Who knows what the hell Karim Hussain was smoking back in 99. All I know is I remember this film for pushing me beyond what I could take visually in a "horror" film. Insano Steve and I always tried to go over the edge with our horror resume by searching and eventually seeing the supposed craziest, weirdest most fucked up shit possible.

Subconscious Cruelty was one of the first and most memorable.

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

5 More TV Shows You May Have Forgotten

After bringing you all a list of 5 supernatural TV shows you may have forgotten, I've come up with more TV shows that I used to watch back in the day. Some are from years back, others are from the 90s. Mind you, back in the 90s, cable wasn't the way it is now and only a few channels were standard back in the day.

Much of the exotic TV came in the form of syndicated shows and basically Fox putting anything on broadcast TV.

In any case, these are some shows I decided to follow because either they had a hot actress, involved some sci fi element and had kung fu. Ahhhh thank you You Tube for letting me time travel back to these awesome days of the toob.

5.) The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.


Network: Fox/Syndicated (1994)

the jaded viewer says: The thing about Bruce Campbell is that after seeing Evil Dead, you became a fan of anything he was in. Bruce is in a TV show? I'm so gonna watch it. It's a western with sci-fi elements and its oddly bonkers. I know Brisco fans became Jack of all Trade fans. C'mon admit it.





4.) Black Sash

Network: The WB (2003)

the jaded viewer says: My main man Russel Wong's second show that 's on this list (I watched any show that had Asians in it because American TV doesn't have Asians in it). I think they axed this show mid 2nd episode. Show was about some wrongly imprisoned Chinese martial artist who opens up a school in San Francisco. His students included Ray J, Missy Peregrym, Sarah Carter and Mako. Stereotypes galore in this one (because we all know every Chinese man, woman and child knows kung fu)





3.) Cleopatra 2525


Network: Syndicated (2000-2001)

the jaded viewer says: OK ok, as part of Universal TV's Action Pack series, I didn't watch Cleopatra 2525 for the acting, story or special effects. I watched it for the very revealing outfits, especially the ones worn by our ditzy blonde lead Cleo (played by the hot Jennifer Sky). It's so silly sci-fi about armed flying machines versus kick ass girls you'd really don't mind the cheesiness when Gina Torres and Victoria Pratt are blasting bad guys and machines in tight leather.




2.) Time Trax


Network: Syndicated (1993)

the jaded viewer says: I'll admit, I'm a time travel junkie. If it be Quantum Leap or a BTTF cartoon, I'm watching it. So a little show about a cop from the future traveling to the past to catch bad guys is MUST SEE TV for me. He had an AI disguised as a credit card!




1.) Vanishing Son


Network: Syndicated (1994)

the jaded viewer says: Another TV show that was part of Universal TV's Action Pack series and starring Russell Wong. Seriously, it had an Asian male as the lead and getting "action" from all sorts of yummy ladies. Basically Vanishing Son started off as 4 made to TV movies about 2 brothers who come from war ravaged China to start anew (thank goodness they didn't end up in Arizona). But racist bad guys are everywhere so Jian-Wa has to kick ass to protect the innocent.
Yes, this is the TV movies that had Rebecca Gayheart in them playing Jian-Wa's girlfriend. This show made it possible for Asian guys to date white women.



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Do you remember any of these shows? Want to reminisce with me about the good ole days of odd TV shows? Share your thoughts.

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Monday, May 24, 2010

The WTF List: Lost and the Series Finale

As somebody who has watched Lost since it debuted, you always feel sad when a series you've been following for 6 years ends. So after watching the series finale, I thought I'd recap the finale with a WTF list but instead I'll do a list of what I liked about the show.

Sure I know some of you are NOT Lost fans so feel free to come back tomorrow and back to your regularly scheduled program. For you Losties, let's look back on some jaded leftover thoughts on Lost and why its one of the best TV shows ever.

Sure the finale doesn't seem Sopranos or The Wire-ish in its "ahhhhhh I get it" sorta ending but its as fitting as they come. Just more mythos to the bitter end, more "I'm not getting it" but pure resolution to the characters, which was always the most important aspect of the show.

Lost....The WTF List! (Spoilers obvious if you plan on watching the show)

1.) GENERIC DHARMA INITIATIVE LOST SERIES FINALE POST
2.) My running Tuesday Twitter support of Number of Miles Straume sarcastic remarks. I'll miss keeping track.
3.) I'll miss my daily Kate in a tight shirt emotional baggage scenes
4.) Mr. Clucks introduced its version of the Double Down....it's called the Quadruple Up. Thanks Hugo.
5.) I'm looking forward to watch Josh Holloway play a rogue, womanizer in a future film.
6.) Sun and Jin are the last Asians we will ever see on American television. If you see Asians on American TV, its like freakin Bigfoot.
7.) Where's my DriveShaft E retrospective?
8.) Benjamin Linus should have a whole site devoted to himself (somebody make this)
9.) Thank you Walt for being some sort of Deus Ex Machina that didn't Machina
10.) I'm thinking Sayid should stay out of Arizona
11.) John Locke is a metaphor and an allegory and a euphemism and a .....
12.) If we can get Betty White on SNL, we very well can get Expose made into a real TV show
13.) What happens when Emile De Ravine actually has a baby...its going to be sooo weird looking at her right?
14.) Love the pane glass window with the donkey wheel and images from different religions (from the finale)
15.) Can we get a Desmond and Penny sitcom going?
16.) Thank goodness Vincent made it to the very end...now about Hurley's bird....
17.) What's in an Apollo chocolate bar?
18.) Is it me or the next time you see a plane crash in a TV or movie your first instinct is to make a Lost reference.
19.) Jack, never stop believing (sorry I got mixed up with my series finales)
20.) It's a solid ending to a magnificent show

I liked the finale. Sure, there's a part of you that wanted some explanations but then again the main focus of the show is the characters. The theories abound on exactly WTF happened but lets just be happy we got to know these fictional characters for 6 years.

Thanks Darlton for that awesomeness.

"I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in duct tape."

-Miles Straume

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Friday, May 21, 2010

The Back Room (A Short Story)

[I wanted to share with all of you a semi-autobiographical short story I wrote when I was in college. I won numerous awards for this particular story and actually read it at a cafe in front of my friends, classmates and a few strangers. Part of my extensive knowledge of horror, exploitation and indie movies and my quirky sense of humor was the fact that I actually worked in a few video stores back when I was younger. This story was the result of all that trauma of staring at oversized boxes with oversized breasts. Enjoy!]

*Note: These are not actual pictures of the store*

The Backroom

“What’s the name of the movie?” I asked curiously.
“I think it’s ‘I seduced a straight tight end’ or something like that,” he whispered quietly.

The customer looked around the store, scared as if he had just announced this week’s lottery numbers. As I typed the movie’s name into the search screen another customer approached me from the left. He wasn’t so modest.

“Hey buddy! How much is this dildo?” he asked as he lifted up the clear yellow sex toy.
“I’ll be with you in just a minute,” I said.

The movie title came up on the screen and I told the customer it was in the “Gay Classics” section. The old man about 60ish with a slight speech impediment waddled his way over to the back corner and searched for his movie.

“It’s $15.99,” I said.
“The larger ones are $19.99 and the jumbo ones that are on the bottom shelf are $24.99,” I screamed across the room.
“Thanks,” he said, putting back the dildo back on the shelf.

I knew he wasn’t going to buy it. After a while you get to know the type of people that come into the backroom. They come in the early morning to avoid “the rush” and also the embarrassment. I wasn’t in a good mood. I didn’t need all these annoying customers bombarding me with pesky questions at about 10AM on a Saturday morning, especially when I didn't even have my first cup of coffee.

At first working in the backroom felt kind of odd but like all jobs, you get used to your surroundings. The only difference is your surroundings don’t usually have trans-sexual she-male movies and nipple clamps.

This job was sort of like the movie “Clerks” and I was a clone of Randall, just without the witty comebacks. With all of the zany customers and the unique co-workers that I work with my life was a running sitcom. I work at Videos Maximus and go to college full-time. It’s really like many other college student’s lives. It was a part time job and I needed money. But seriously folks, it’s not as like a typical student would pick this job out of the Help Wanted ads.

I’m a movie buff. I love horror, cult flicks and independent movies. I have an extreme hatred for Hollywood and the big picture garbage they put out. So instead of working at the rival, big business “Hollywood Video” I searched for work at a “mom and pop” video store. In about mid-October I landed a job at Video Maximus. It wasn’t without its own story.

The interview consisted of the assistant manager, one who was "money" hot, relentlessly asking me questions. I don’t remember half the interview but one particular question stands out.

“So, are you alright with working around adult related material?” she asked.
“Yeah, that’s no problem at all. Adult movies…porn. No problem here. I love porn! I’m a collector. Jenna Jameson…she rocks,” I said enthusiastically. I think I said too much. It looked like I had “dork” tattooed on my forehead from the way they stared at me.

I could see they were well amused. Three weeks later I was working and spending my mornings in what some certain conservative, church going citizens call “The Gateway to Hell”.

Every morning was a different story. I only worked in the backroom when I was scheduled to. I usually “float” which means I go where it’s the busiest. It’s fun working up with the regular movies but it’s quite hilarious patrolling the back because you never know what to expect.

Sundays are unpredictable too. They bring to the store a new kind of stupidity. One of my co-workers made a killer observation. It went something like “People in this town are so stupid but they all end up having Video Maximus cards”.

I usually read while I’m on duty. It’s something we shouldn’t do but the aesthetics of the backroom are surreal. Flamingo pink saloon style doors with a big warning sign that reads “Adults Only” separate the store. Meditative and classical music randomly play in the background from a CD player. Inventing games is one of my hobbies. One of the CD’s in the machine is The Smiths and I always pray that I’ll hear “How Soon is Now?” It usually never plays it.

The backroom is divided into sections. The area where you initially enter is devoted to gay porn. Thus, it is subdivided into further sections. I am constantly returning the oversize boxes to the “Uniform/Leather/Bondage” section. But that’s not all folks! We’ve got “Huge”, “Black/Hispanic Interest”, “Import”, and my favorite “Hardcore Wrestling”. It’s a wonderamma of all that is porn.

Toward the back is the straight, heterosexual section. There’s no need to alphabetize the movies but I do have to put them back into the proper category. I mastered that easily. “New Releases”, “Anal”, “Oral”, “Import”, “Couples Erotica”, and my all time fav: “Breast Lovers”. I knew where everything was in a matter of weeks. It’s how to handle the customers that I had a problem with.

A customer came into the store mid-afternoon on a Sunday. He complained about how the tape he rented had been cut off and somebody recorded a soap opera towards the end of it.

“Are you sure that somebody taped over the movie?” I asked.
“Yeah I’m sure,” he responded with verbally crunching words.

“Maybe the soap opera was the plot?” I asked.
“Hell no!” he screamed.
“I was watching it and then it suddenly got cut off. The next thing I know I’m watching some soap opera like ‘Days of our Lives’ or some shit like that. I thought my VCR stopped and the TV was on but I realized I was still watching the tape,” he continued.
“Where was it cut?” I asked him.
“Towards the end. I can get another movie, right?” he questioned. His voice turned deadly serious.
“Well I’m going to have to see if this movie is cut like you said. I’ll leave this for---”
He cut me off.

“Look I ain’t leaving till I get a free movie or my mother fuckin money. You can give me a refund can’t you?” he asked.

“I have to see if the movie is defective before I can credit your account,” I responded back with a glimpse of courage I had no idea I could muster talking to a huge 300-pound man.

“Well watch the movie then! You got a VCR right here,” he said pointing to the mini TV that consisted of a built in VCR.
“Let’s watch!!!” he yelled.
“We don’t watch the movies during the day. We usually watch them to see if there is something wrong after the store closes,” I said with a little hesitation.

The man looked at me with a certain distaste. He seemed like he was going to explode. His forehead pulsated and he leaned over the counter and looked me straight in my eyes.
I was fucking scared.

“I took the day off from work because somebody told me that they could take care of it today. I am not walking out of here without another movie or my fuckin money,” he said in a soothing, but tense voice.

I called for my co-worker. The customer roamed around the store hunting for a replacement. We discussed the current situation.

“This guy wants me to put a credit on his account,” I said pointing at him as he stood in front of the anal section.
“Just fast forward the movie and see if there is anything wrong. I gotta go up front now, there are a billion people waiting on line,” she said as she charged to the front rattling the saloon doors.

“Excuse me sir? Well I’m gonna fast forward to where it got cut off. Let me know when I’m close ok?”

I put in his tape one entitled “Black Street Hookers 17” into the VCR and proceeded to fast forward. With the remote control in my hand I periodically stopped and played the tape. On the screen was a sample of pretty much straightforward Larry Flint filth. A girl was giving a guy a blowjob as another guy, more muscular than his counterpart, was anally penetrating her from behind. It was quite a sight. I wasn’t use to watching what I rented out to people.

“Is it near this part?” I asked.
“No I think it’s past this. A couple more hookers later,” he said with a sense of surety.

I kept fast-forwarding and after 5 minutes stopped the tape. Pornography is truly an art form as this time I had ceased the movie in the middle of some gratuitous cum shots. The guy had emptied his load over a young black girl’s face. She smirked and tried to give a little smile to the camera. I really believe she didn’t like that. I kept fast- forwarding.

“Am I near it now?” I asked more impatient than ever.
“Yeah. It’s near this part coming up,” he joked.

I stopped the tape and pressed play. The scene that unraveled was quite a sight than the others. In a white painted bedroom, a woman was giving oral pleasure to two guys at once. Clinton style. She grabbed both their packages and was sucking like there was no tomorrow. I interrupted the silence that now had engaged the customer and I. He was focused on the TV. He probably missed this part.

“Are we near it now?” I asked again.
“Fast forward just a little bit more,” he said. I did and as we passed by some beaver shots he told me to stop.
“It’s right here, play it here!” he yelled emphatically.

I played the tape and as another man was getting down and dirty with two woman the scene was cut. Instead was a scene from a soap opera. The CBS emblem was on the lower right hand of the screen. Then the tape cut back to the end of an anal dildo scene. I stopped the tape immediately.

“OK pick out a replacement and I’ll give you credit.” I said.
“Thanks” he said as he trudged to the Oral section.

I scanned the tape and put it in a bag. He left the store without saying a word to me. It was truly an end to one of the most interesting customer complaints I ever got. That is until the next week when I got a call from a customer who rented “Up and Cummers 15” and told me the tape was stuck in the VCR and somebody from the store should come over and get it out. But that’s another story.

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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (Review)

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)

Directed by Chad Ferrin

I'm not a rookie when it comes to sleaze indie horror. I've seen the crappy side (see Hanger) and I've seen the good shit (see Header). But I had not seen a Chad Ferrin exploitation joint. Well that is until now.

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! is pure unrelenting sleaze slasher horror that throwsbacks to all that was awesome during the 70s grindhouse era. It's a mirror image of early Abel Ferrara and though takes a while to get to some WTF, it delivers.

So what the hell is this all about?

You've got a very fucked up asshole, a mentally retarded kid, a Coffy blaxsploitation nurse, a couple of whores, some soon to be deported Mexicans and a pedophile. Add in a slasher with a Easter bunny mask and you've got buckets of blood and some despicable kills.

The title is indeed indicative of what you get. Couldn't somebody just give our bunny a carrot?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When the mentally and physically disabled youth's mother, Mindy, begins a relationship with a psycho killer, bizarre events begin to unfold - especially after Nicholas takes a seemingly normal rabbit into the house. But when home intruders, prostitutes and street trash are murdered in bizarre gruesome ways, just who is the bunny-masked killer committing these horrendous crimes?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The first 20 or so minutes are kinda boring as you begin to watch Easter Bunny, Kill Kill but the last 70 min are completely off the wall splatter fun. Remington (Timothy Muskatell) is a low life hustler/killer who hooks up with Mindy our Coffy like nurse and her retarded kid (seriously, I'm not being PC here) Nicholas. Our 'tard has an infatuation with all things Easter, a day very memorable to him and soon gets a real life bunny from a stranger. But that's not important.

What's important is Rem decides to use his babysitting duties after mom has to work a double to party it up with the scummiest of the scum. Muskatell plays Rem as evil and as fucked up as you can only imagine. 'Tard abuse, drug abuse and like a perverted Ron Jeremy he brings the street trash home. It's a bastard of a performance that gets under your skin. Why?

Because Rem does this:
  • Brings a pedophile to "have fun" with Nicholas (for $)
  • Snorts coke and brings 2 whores to party with
  • Verbally abuses the Mexican handyman
Things look lost for our 'tard but our mysterious Easter Bunny is on a mission. You may not have guessed it but its Kill! Kill! Kill!

The kills are savagely magnificent and even garnered applause from me. Like a Driller Killer homage, we get a variety of kills by our masked Bugs. Your Gore-ipedia includes:
  • Screwed brain to the head
  • Hammer to the skull
  • Mop to Mouth trauma
  • Strangulation
  • Chainsaw stomach trauma
  • Sliced throats
All in all, solid kills with solid effects. Sure its your typical slasher carnage kills but somehow in the context of killing street walkers and Chris Hansen potential interviewees, they add more to the "Fuck Yeah!" attitude of seeing these scumbags get offed.

Sure the twist ending supplies a flashback that seems misplaced but the ending is a complete 180 WTF but I dug it.

Easter Bunny Kill! Kill! is a time machine of exploitation and grindhouse cinema. Not all grindhouse had muscle cars and Herschell Gordon Lewis extra red blood. Most of the 70s were urban slick grime and dime fuckedupness and Ferrin makes sure we remember what's the what.

Clearly Chad Ferrin knows what his audience wants and delivers. Carrots be damned.

Nude-ipedia

Whore boobies (their very spectacular)

WTF moment

The ending ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Interested in Chad Ferrin now? Check out his company Crappy World Films. Also check out official Facebook page as well. The movie comes out on DVD via Vicious Circle Films from Breaking Glass Pictures. They are also releasing Ferrin's next film Someone Knocking on my Door this month.

I'm looking forward to that film.

So if your looking to go down that dark alley of blood and guts slasher exploitation sleaze, you best work up some amp to go see Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! An egg this is not.

Rating:
1/2

Check out the trailer below.



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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Random List of things you DON'T see in horror movies


  • A fat, black final girl
  • An Asian kid kung fu-ing a slasher
  • A slasher running on screen chasing teenagers
  • A fully functioning GPS on a road trip
  • A fully charged cell phone
  • A slasher married with 2 kids and a dog
  • Full on penetration
  • A kid that doesn't whisper in Satanic verses
  • A bunch of teens who listen to "the crazy old man telling them about the killer" and then hightail out of the woods and to a McDonald's
  • A McDonald's
  • A slasher who chases a victim around a studio apartment
  • A hot, slutty vixen staying fully clothed
  • A final guy who is gay
  • A car with a full tank of gas
  • Inbred rednecks that are misunderstood
  • Monsters who do minimal damage when they visit a highly populated city
  • Google as a search engine when they do research
  • A fat kid outrunning a slasher
  • Ghosts who realize they are actually ghosts
  • An amateur camera guy who can keep the camera steady
  • The public trusting the government during a crisis
  • Guidos
  • A mutant ostrich with a taste for human flesh
  • Zombies who crave only Canadian human flesh
  • A shower that doesn't fog the shit out of the bathroom
  • Somebody Wikipedia-ing something
  • Vampires who look like hipsters
  • A massacre at a baseball game
  • Small towns with hidden secrets
  • Were-bunnies
  • Blood thirst demons that look like Casper
  • Asians
  • People from Madagascar
  • Mad scientists who are looking for a cure for AIDS
  • A likable jock douchebag
  • Non gratuitous nudity
  • A post apocalyptic world where future people dress normally
  • A Jewish, blonde slutbomb
  • "We shouldn't split up"
  • Prescription drug use
  • A movie that's not a remake
OK some of these you could call me out on so go ahead and let me know in the comments. Want to add your own? Go ahead. I just wrote what popped in my head. Let me know what else I missed. Comment away!

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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Old Scratch (Teaser Trailer)

I may be in the minority as one of the horror fans who loved Laid to Rest (full review here). I gave it 3 spinkicks even ranked it #8 on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009. So no doubt I would have the director, Robert Hall on my radar to see what he would come up with next.

So news via Bloody Disgusting and HorrorMovies.ca got me excited when the teaser trailer for Hall's new film debuted. It's called Old Scratch and it takes that record played backward for Satanic verses in for a spin.

Here be the plot (via HorrorMovies.ca)

Old Scratch follows Neven, a washed up musician living his his own faded shadow in Atlanta. One night, after another sparsely attended gig one his his former bandmates Terry shows up and plays one of their own demo records backwards with fatal consequences.

Now he must return to his roots and revisit a past he had hoped would stay forever buried. He has to find all six cursed demo records and decipher the eerie hidden messages before more blood is shed.


It stars Mr. John Connor himself and LTR alum Thomas Dekker, Ashley Laurence and Kevin Gage.

Check out the trailer below. What do you think?



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Monday, May 17, 2010

The WTF List: Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake)

I took every body's advice and didn't watch this movie in the theater. I ahem....watched this movie via the magic of the internet. Bless you internet for saving me $12. Thanks to Insano Steve, we were able to dissect this heap of piling, smelly crap from the comfort of my home.

Sure, it wasn't the best quality, but at least I didn't spend my hard earned money eating overpriced popcorn next to Joe and Joanna Moviegoer and a couple of Jabronis. Let me just say straight out the movie isn't overtly terrible, it's just predictable and boring.

A mish mash of the originals, some new micronap garbage, a rewriting of Freddy's backstory, some choice scenes from the original and a cursing Freddy.

God that sucked ass.

So as I could never top my fake review of A Nightmare on Elm Street remake, here is a WTF list. Hopefully these mindless framed thoughts will invade your nightmares.

1.) Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! (oops wrong movie)
2.) Is it reality or a dream? Am I actually watching this movie? OMG! I am. Sigh.
3.) Oh oh, John Connor is brooding like crazy. He's an uber brooder.
4.) New Freddy (I refuse to call him just Freddy because Robert England is the real Fred Kreuger) looks like a real life burnt victim. Who cares about realistic burn scars? I mean seriously...I prefer ridiculous fake burnt scars from my Dream Master
5.) Insano Steve says this blonde is on one of the CW shows so chance of her getting naked: 0%.
6.) New Nancy is the most yawnfest, boring, snooze final girl I have ever seen in a movie.
7.) Wow, New Freddy killed a dog. You so badass New Freddy.
8.) Gotta love that CGI glove through the chest!
9.) Why does this Joy Division wearing t-shirt motherfucker look like the douche from Twilight?
10.) Dude, there is an endless supply of energy drinks in any convenience store and nobody thinks to load up?
11.) This swim team is kinda lame and the entire scene is utterly pointless
12.) OMG, am I right? Is Freddy actually innocent in this one? I'm fuckin Nostradamus folks! I will read your fortune! I am a real life psychic!
13.) Micronapping is the "new twist" in this. It's blending reality and dream world. I was micronapping while watching this flick. I also took a shit while watching this flick.
14.) Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! (isn't that now in repeating in your head? muhahahahha)
15.) People's shadows just infiltrated our "legitimate copy" of this movie. Insano Steve and I bust out laughing.
16.) Nancy looks at the supposed victims of Freddy. There is a Chinese kid and a black kid in the group school photo. C'mon Chinese kid! I know you can kung fu and muy thai Freddy. hoooooowaaaaa Bruce Lee his ass.
17.) Oh man he died while filming a video on YouTube....godammit. Why does the Asian kid always die???
18.) I like how the fake search engine GigaBlast is a real search engine. Good one Platinum Dunes!
19.) They really are fucking us in the ass by overusing the dream/not a dream gimmick
20.) Also, they had a mirror scare/false alarm cliche in here as well. Jeezus you fucks are lazy.

OVERTIME WTF List!

21.) They gave the jumping rope lullaby molested children lots of screen time and actual lines. I sincerely believe they are all 21 year old actors that look like 12 year olds. Thank you Chris Hansen.
22.) Nah, he didn't molest those kids. Those photos are fake I tell you. Freddy is innocent!
23.) Wow, we all know how they defeat Freddy and this actually is the worst of all of Freddy's demise/"death scenes".
24.) This overused cliche of riding along in the ambulance. It really bothers me as I think this doesn't really happen on planet Earth.
25.) The last cliffhanger is a mirror scare and ocular trauma 2D CGI. OMG, that was Uwe Boll bad.

There ya have it, my thought in micro-nap form. I forgot to add Freddy curses in this which made me LOL. This is a bad movie minions and you should all be ashamed of going to the theater and making Platinum Dunes rich (I know its not your fault as you all HAD to see this monstrosity).

I hate remakes. I hate Platinum Dunes. I hate New Freddy. I hate New Nancy. I hate micro-naps.

I hate this movie.

Son of 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs! Son of a 1000 Maniacs!

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Friday, May 14, 2010

The Spiral Downward to Irrelevancy of Sarah Michelle Gellar

More than a Forgotten Horror Hottie, Sarah Michelle Gellar is iconic when it comes to kick ass girls. With Whedon is my Master's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gellar stamped her mark playing the slaytastic heroine.

So instead of posting a few pics and reading her resume, I wanted to examine...well what the happened to her career?

I'm not saying she was the best actress, but with Buffy her performances were all top notch. Spewing that Slayer speak, emoting with those eyes and lips and going all comedy in a few standout episodes, you'd think after the show ended she'd enter ScarJo or Megan Fox elite bombshell status.

But things haven't panned out for our former Slayer. Her career since the series ended has been filled with some rather odd acting choices. Her foray into horror seemed to be a good move since she played the lovely but totally gonna die Helen Shivers in I Know What You Did Last Summer. But after BtVS ended, it's been kinda downhill.

So let's see where her career jumped the shark shall we?

MID BtVS films

1.) Cruel Intentions (1999)

the jaded viewer says: Wowsers. She tries to seduce Ryan Philippe and instead makes all the guys take notice of her "assets". Good film, good vixen performance.

Career Prognosis: 9 (on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Skinemax and 10 being an Oscar winner)

2.) Harvard Man (2001)

the jaded viewer says: Wowsers again. I never really watched the whole movie but she has a very awesome sex scene Mr. Skin would be proud of.

Career Prognosis: 8 (when a sex scene is your BEST scene, you're in trouble)

3.) Scooby Doo (2002)

the jaded viewer says: You just made a movie based on a cartoon. And the movie also starred your husband and a CGI animated talking dog. This is not a good move. You should have fired your agent.

Career Prognosis: 6 (How can we take you seriously when your dressed in purple?)

POST BtVS films

4.) Scooby Doo 2 (2004)

the jaded viewer says: You made a sequel to the cartoon CGI dog movie? Sigh.

Career Prognosis: 5.5 (Who is your agent? Bugs Bunny?)

5.) The Grudge (2006)

the jaded viewer says: Somebody had to star in all those J-horror American remakes. Not a bad performance, just a bad remake. Very boring and as scary as bumper cars at an amusement park. Wasn't Naomi Watts part open for The Ring?

Career Prognosis: 4 (You picked the worst of the j-horror remakes)

6.) Southland Tales (2006)

the jaded viewer says: OK I applaud the move here. Take a part in an ensemble cast in a quirky Richard Kelly movie. And yay! You played the stripper Krysta Now. Somehow this resulted in negative points as this movie sucked.

Career Prognosis: 3.5 (Good change of pace role, bad change of pace movie)

7.) The Return
(2006)

the jaded viewer says: With her career falling rapidly, SMG decides to partake in psychological and supernatural horror films. These films are dull and boring and boring and dull. Did I also mention she's a brunette in these flicks? Booooooo.

Career Prognosis: 3 (I don't like brunette SMG)

8.) Possession (2009)

the jaded viewer says: Romantic love triangle turned supernatural thriller. I watched the trailer and I don't get it

Career Prognosis: 3 (Blonde SMG is back!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fun Fact! SMG did some voices for Robot Chicken. Her geek cred ups by +2!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.) Veronika Decides to Die
(2009)

the jaded viewer says: Supposedly a good drama movie. I haven't seen it but based upon IMDB users, let's say she gives a good performance.

Career Prognosis: 5 (+2 on the geek cred!)

10.) The Wonderful Maladys (2010)

the jaded viewer says: HBO pilot that was not picked up.

Career Prognosis: 4 (Maybe she could guest star on True Blood?)

-----------------------------

So what have we learned? She picked lousy Hollywood roles post Buffy. She picked lousy Hollywood horror movie roles post Buffy. She tried to take daring, uber indie roles post Buffy. But maybe SMG's personality has something to do with her selection in movies.

Via Wikipedia.

During her 2006 interview with Marie Claire, Gellar spoke about her thoughts on the movie industry for women. She spoke about her views on the roles of women in movies saying:

"You realize it's a very tough market for women. For me it's about getting roles where women get to do something active, not the girlfriend, not the wife. There are mainly two types of roles for us, women in-jeopardy films and romantic movies."

Hmm. That is true. Maybe SMG was looking for something different instead of the damsel in distress hence all the odd movie choices. In any case, it looks like she'll be out of the acting biz for a while as she and Freddy Prinze Jr. just had a baby girl named Charlotte.

Maybe it's not a spiral downward to irrelevancy for Sarah Michelle Gellar after all. Looks like it's a upward spin to relevancy for her and for her family.

Only time will tell. So Sarah, can you make a Buffy movie already?

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Can you hear me now? (and other horror movie cliches)

AT&T and Verizon and their stupid maps are all lies. AT&T claims 97% coverage in most of America so does that mean 100% of horror movies where a phone doesn't work take place in this remaining 3%?

I guess it does. Well I have nothing new today to post so you get a Dharma Initiative: GENERIC HORROR BLOG CLICHE POST.

Enjoy!










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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Legend of Red Room

Sometimes an underground film becomes legendary becomes it avalanches into something more.

During Insano Steve and myself's heyday of looking for the most fucked up films to watch, we'd have to make contact with horror traders to get our fix. I documented this in a post about Horror Trading circa 2002. It was a weird time and the standard protocol was this:
  • You'd dub a movie on VHS in SP mode and make sure to tell your trading counterpart the quality (1st generation dub, 2nd, 3rd, etc)
  • You'd trade lists and each person would choose what they wanted (this would entail 1 for 1's, 2 for 2's and sometimes 5 for 5's)
  • Send it out as quickly as possible
Of course there were bad traders that burned you (you'd send them stuff but they wouldn't or take their sweet fuckin time to send the tapes to you), but your reputation grew on news groups and message boards if you were a prolific trader. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED was a term you wanted.

But this brings us to how we got two Japanese films called Red Room and Red Room 2. After searching for this movie at horror conventions, we met up up with a one GoreMaggot (a legendary trader) at Chiller. After getting his trading list, many trades were initiated. But I believe Insano Steve initiated a trade for the Red Room double.

Trade for a fucked up Japanese film we've never heard of? Yes we want that! The fact we traded for a movie with no subs and was only in Japanese made it exciting.

Here was my original review from my trading list:

you want underground mofo? this is it. straight from the motherland of sick shit...Japan. holy depravity batman! let's start off by saying this flick had no english subs, no dubbed version...just straight Japanese language. so this negates what i know of the real plot. the movie starts off with an extreme closeup of 2 women french kissing while a guy watches and you know what. anyway 4 people (3 girls and a guy) are trapped in a "red room" and seemingly are talking, arguing and playing a card game. the game consists of 4 cards 3 of which are numbered 1,2, and 3 and the 4th has a crown on it. they each pick a card. the person who selects the crown card gets to order 2 participants to do very sexual and depraved shit to each other. this is where we enter guinea pig territory.

***SPOILERS AHEAD!!!***


a woman is twirled on a chair until she blows chunks, a man has a hair dryer inserted into his mouth and hot air blows into his brain, the man inserts a screwdriver and bulb into a woman's ummm...well you know. guy beats the crap out of a woman and then rapes her. mr. wang gets separated from mr. rapist guy. and more fucked up shit then imaginably possible.

downright disturbing. totally fucked up. sicko perverted atrocities. the insanity of a movie with no morals. lowest common denominator appeal. underground, bootleg, cancerous disgusting. this is it. guinea pig is still the pinnacle but red room has its moments.


This was one of the movies that had THIS company send me a cease and desist e-mail! After I got this movie I had added it to my horror trading list which led to some bullshit copyright crap. In any case, the legend of Red Room was born.

A ridiculous Japanese gore movie, a horror trade, watching a movie without subs and a cease and desist letter. That is the Legend of Red Room.

Intrigued by this movie? Well here is the trailer and now you'll know why we had to see it!





Isn't that just uber fucked up?

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

From the makers of Black Devil Doll comes.....BottomFeeder!

If you follow this online blogging publication, you know how much I praised Shawn Lewis Black Devil Doll so much, I might as well have been is internet slave. I even reviewed the book! So when I got the update of what Lowest Common Denominator's next flick was going to be, I got fuckin wet.

It's not Black Devil Doll 2. Oh man, its waaaay fuckin better.

Let me introduce you to the next big thing in rape monster horror.......

Bottomfeeder!

Look at the poster above (go here for a even larger look). Here is the plot like we need one.

Lieutenant Joe Angell is a bad cop whose seen it all . . . but he's never seen anything like the hideous monstrosity that shambles out of a dark California river with a taste for blood, on the hunt for nubile female victims.

It's a monster spawned of toxic waste and depraved humanity, a mutation of man and fish that must rape and kill to state its distorted desires---and only Joe Angell knows where it will strike next! As the insane, deformed creature stalks it's prey, Angell is haunted by bizarre visions that lead him into a slimy web of evil . . . until the final, fiery confrontation explodes with a fury you will never forget. Prepare yourself.

Where HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP and BAD LIEUTENANT left off . . . the sick, twisted nightmare of BOTTOMFEEDER begins. And no one is safe.

This movie had me at "hunt" "nubile" "female" and "victims". Yay hip hip yay.

Head over to the official site and become a fan on Facebook.

Shawn and Jonathan Lewis are the pioneers of the modern exploitation horror genre. If you still haven't seen Black Devil Doll, your missing out on the most fucked up LOL funny movie ever made in Oakland, California.

Bottomfeeder is going to put monster rape horror back on the fuckin map. Seriously, that's a good thing.

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Monday, May 10, 2010

The WTF List: Iron Man 2

Oh let the summer popcorn flicks begin. Well, the first superhero movie of the year was Kick-Ass (which I absolutely loved). There will be plenty more robot action, but Iron Man 2 is solidly solid. I mean Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark with a carefree douchebaggery, its fun fun fun. Add in Gywneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson as your eye candy (is it me or does Scarlett's boobies get bigger every movie?) and its smash em up, blow em up action.

So lets WTF with a list shall we?

1.) So do the youngins think Mickey Rourke is the guy from the Wrestler or the guy from Sin City? I think he's the guy from 9 1/2 weeks.
2.) Garry Shandling plays the dick, Jewish Senator.
3.) Why is it that a simple iPhone can crack into the Department of Defense?
4.) Tony Stark's basement is waaaaaay awesomer than the Batcave.
5.) We've got the anti-Stark Justin Hammer. He's not too much of an asshole...which he should be.
6.) Don Cheadle plays the black guy...because black guys in Hollywood are all Don Cheadles.
7.) Jeezus Scarlett, can you get more hotter?
8.) Well Whiplash vs Iron Man battle #1 was sorta yawn.
9.) My Iron Man knowledge is very limited. So is my Avengers knowledge.
10.) I thought Nick Fury was white, ran in slo mo and had a tan?
11.) Jeezus Scarlett, are you wearing leather? I'm going to need 10 minutes...brb.
12.) Iron Man vs War Machine was fun. Stark's house is getting all kinds of fucked up. I feel sorry for the contractor who's gonna have to do repairs.
13.) Everytime I see Iron Man, I think the Sabbath song"I am Iron Man" theme song is gonna play.
14.) Can you believe the Stark Expo is a few stops away from my apartment?
15.) I swear to God, if Iron Man fucks up Citi Field in any way, I'm going to call 911.
16.) OK let me tell you that I know the layout of Flushing Meadow Park and right now the globe, the circular steel structure and the MIB saucer thingies are not as awesome as you'd think they are close up.
17.) Lots of shit is getting blown up....lots of blast beams and lots of gunfire. It's like Baltimore.
18.) Oh did Tony Stark make a gay reference to Captain America...oh yes he did!
19.) Whiplash still sucks in Iron Man vs Whilpash battle #2
20.) Fuck, I missed the scene at the end of the credits...somebody please post this on YouTube ASAP.

OK to conclude, Tony Stark is a douche, Scarlett Johansson is yummy, Whiplash has a bad Russian accent for someone who is Russian, Citi Field remained intact and we are probably going to get an Avengers movie.

Now go see IM2 and get your robot suit porn action on.

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Friday, May 07, 2010

A Jaded Spotlight: Maurice Devereaux

OMG! Is this a new feature on the jaded viewer? Hell if I know. All I know is I wanted to spotlight Maurice Devereaux, a Canadian director who seems to be running hot in the horrorosphere.

I'm not going to go into details on his bio (which you can Wikia here) but what I will spotlight are 2 of his movies and a short he directed. The first movie that put Devereaux on my radar was his Fangoria presents feature $lashers$. I actually own this movie on VHS. If I had a VCR, I'd watch it again (alas I don't). I remember it being a little low budgety but the Japan game show slasher premise stuck in my head for well....just being totally off the wall.

Check out the trailer.




His next movie after $lashers$ was End of the Line (full review here) which I ranked #15 on my Top 20 Horror Movies of 2009. It's a good cult gone crazy movie earning a solid 3 spinkicks.

Trailer? Yes please.




Finally, this short below entitled "PMS Survival Tips" gone some acclaim and buzz a few years back. It's a nice little parody of those 50s educational flicks with a horror slant.

Duck and cover the short below.



I'm not sure what else he has in store, but his resume keeps building and creating some good stuff. Canadian horror is in good hands with Devereaux and we should all keep him on our horror radar.

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Thursday, May 06, 2010

More Gimmicky Horror: Cut (Trailer)

Maybe the jaded UK horror viewers have seen this movie already. So do chime in if you have. But here is yet another example of a horror movie using a gimmick to draw attention to itself. Nope it's not in 3D, nor does it have a viral marketing machine and it isn't a faux documentary or bill itself as "based on true events".

Nope, that's not the gimmick. The gimmick is this:

The entire movie is shot with one continuous take for 62 minutes.

I gotta admit, it does sound damn intriguing. So what's Cut all about?

Five friends return from a cocktail party to a cottage deep inside the English woods of the Peak District. Having brushed off the notion of urban legends as rubbish, never occurring in reality, our protagonist's slowly find themselves weaving through their very own horror story.

Well lets just say its a home invasion flick, one long continous home invasion flick ala The Strangers, Vacancy and Ils aka Them. I'll say this , well because it's next.

Without any cuts, it actually might work. No jump scares, no rapid edited shots of "slasher" and "victim". Then again, what are they going to fill the time with? I mean it seems like it would be boring to see the characters talk about...well EVERYTHING. How the hell are they gonna scare us without cuts? (no pun intended)

Some reviews are in and though slightly negative, the consensus is the gimmick is sorta effective. Well we'll be the judge of that. Check out the mile a minute, very much edited trailer below. What do you think? Can a gimmick like this actually work?



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Wednesday, May 05, 2010

This is the only reason they are remaking Deadly Friend in 3D

Have you seen Wes Craven's Deadly Friend? Probably not. And you're not alone. I've seen it but it's been a while since I remembered while it's memorable. Well of course! It's the infamous basketball death scene which sticks out like Shaquille O'Neal at a little people convention. I posted the basketball scene a while back and now with news that Deadly Friend will be remade in 3D (which I freakin Nostradmused that would happen), the basketball scene is the #1 reason why its going to be in 3D.

So I pose the question: Can one scene warrant a 3D Hollywood remake?

You be the judge. Watch it below.




I mean that scene is awesome right? Did Hollywood actually do what I think it did?

Did they see this one scene on YouTube and some exec was like: "Holy Eli Roth! That scene is fuckin the shit! Let's remake this movie immediately!!!!"

Umm, that's exactly what they did.

The only reason why Deadly Friend was remotely interesting was the uber hotness of Kristy Swanson and our 80s obsession with everything robotic. I mean we all know about Chopping Mall right?

Even the premise is completely ridiculous.

Paul is a new kid in town with a robot named "BB". He befriends Samantha and the three of them have a lot of good times together. That is, until Samantha's abusive father throws her down some stairs and kills her. In an effort to save her life, Paul implants BB's computer brain into Samantha's human brain

So what else could they steal from the original and make it burst from the screen? How about glass through the stomach? You want that shit in 3D don't you???




That not enough? How about one of the Sam killing her dad? (FF >> 3:55) See that shovel throw (its going to be awesome in 3D!!) , wrist snapping in 3D (soo cool!), strangulation comin right atcha!





And of course the ending is ripe for some 3D-ness.




This is movie has so many potential 3D moments, I can't believe they didn't think of doing this sooner (umm that was all sarcasm my horror minions)

I am 100% sure the basketball scene is why we're getting this entire movie in 3D. The movie is about killer robot!!! A Yellow killer robot!

It's not going to be too long until they remake Night of the Comet and Chopping Mall as well. It's scary when I'm too psychic for my own good.

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Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Happy Town has hot women, good food and magicians!

Once in a while, you say to somebody..."Oh, I'd be more than happy to do that!"

How can you be "More than happy?" To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition!

"We had to put Dave in the mental home!"
"He was... whoa...."
"More than happy!"

-George Carlin

I always loved that quote from George Carlin. How can you be more than happy? Somebody lock anybody who is more than happy immediately!

Somehow watching Happy Town, ABC's new TV show reminded me of that awesome Carlin bit. So as this show has a tinge of horror in it, I figured I'd give my thoughts after watching the pilot episode entitled "In This Home On Ice". And what better way to review a new show with by doing a WTF List!

Can you smell the freshly baked awesomeness?

Here we go.

1.) Ice fishing...because middle America loves beer, guns and ice fishing
2.) He totally nailed it!
3.) Holy Hostel lovers! It's Laura German from Hostel 2!
4.) Holy Whedon-holics! It's Amy Acker from Dollhouse and Angel!
5.) Holy Parker Can't Lose! It's the fat, big guy....the fat, big guy dude!
6.) Oooooooooh its a mysterious halo question mark sign...I'm shitting in my pants
7.) It's the guy from Wings!
8.) People seem to have gone missing in Haplin....wait Magic who? Damn you Magic Johnson!
9.) It's the guy from Jurassic Park and Event Horizon!
10.) 3rd floor is off limits....please go to the 3rd floor!
11.) Representing the token black guy: Bunny Colvin! (aka the guy from The Wire!)
12.) Oh that teenage bullying angst!
13.) Gratuitous investigative red herring
14.) Sheriff is suffering from some sort of too much happy!
15.) These women are like desperate housewives from the 1930s

16.) Well everybody has a mysterious back story...sheriff, Jurassic Park guy and now the girl from Hostel
17.) Sheriff has gone nuts...he needs to take a chill pill
18.) Ooooooh semi twist that makes no sense because we don't know anything about the story or what the hell is going on
19.) See that's the problem with mystery shows....you get thrown into the deep end and you hope the viewers get hooked early on...if they don't your totally screwed and canceled in a heartbeat.
20.) Let me just say all these young actresses on this show are super duper hot...it could keep me watching this show before it gets canceled next week.

Well there ya go. Will Happy Town even last until tomorrow? I'm not sure. I kinda think its "ehhhh" so far. I mean its visual female yumminess, a little Leave it to Beaver meets X-Files and its got its own mythos and that's all from the first episode.

Hmmm I figured it out. The Magic Man is the Smoke Monster! Nice crossover ABC!

Well in any case, ABC give it a chance. Lost is ending, what else you got really?

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Monday, May 03, 2010

The Human Centipede (Review)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

Directed by Tom Six

I've already seen a child molester kill teens in their sleep. Been there, done that. What I've never seen is an insane surgeon surgically connect 3 human beings ass to mouth. If you had the choice....which movie would you have seen last Friday?

It was an easy choice for me. It didn't hurt that the cast of The Human Centipede would be in appearance at the IFC Center in NYC to do a Q&A after the film (Tom Six, the director and actors Dieter Laser, Ashley Williams, Ashlynn Yennie and Akihiro Kitamura were all there)

So in a packed theater which I knew would add to the "midnight feel" of the experience of his "100% medically accurate" film, it was quite an experience. You could hear some gasps, screams, groans and disturbed applause when you finally see the human centipede onscreen.

Damn that was awesome.

So what did I think? The Human Centipede is a tornado of a film that challenges your visual senses and challenges your brain to compute what you're seeing. It's really something you've never seen before and that's the beauty of it. It takes about an hour to get the completion of this new Frankenstein like creation but its well worth it. Its definitely for "The Core" type moviegoer and is on the edge of indie horror cinema. My only gripe is it didn't go over the edge which is what I had wanted to see.

So let's pass some gas on this one shall we?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Two pretty American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in his terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man.

An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy "the human centipede".

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Human Centipede can be broken down into 3 distinct situations like a doctors appointment. So let's get run with that analogy because I'm a sucker for medical puns.

"The Waiting Room"

The movie starts off with a photo of a preliminary centipede made by Dr. Heiter. We'll get to know the great Evil that is Dr. Heiter later on but the first 30 or so minutes is dedicated to the party girls Lindsay (A. Williams) and Jenny (A. Yennie) who are in Germany on a backpacking trip.

Six said during the Q&A that he loved those American films of the 70s and 80s and the basic premise of an American girl who gets involved in dastardly circumstances. Six does nothing new here as we all know that a flat tire on a car will lead to Dr. Heiter's house of horrors. There is scene as our beloved American fashionistas have to converse with a icky, fat German man who has more on his mind then the girls flat tire. It's purely comical and that is your first introduction that you're not seeing a straight horror flick but a black comedy of sorts as well.

It's this balance that Six tries to deliver over 90 minutes. He injects comedic visuals and dialogue with the most disturbing imagery we have ever seen. And I have to admit, it works. To get a few laughs in makes it somewhat tolerable.

There will be a minority of people who "get" the black humor in this movie and I believe the majority will be appalled by the sensory overload. If you get it, you'll see the movie's awesomeness. The NYC audience got it completely (well nobody walked out of the theater as far as I could see)

"The Diagnosis"

Now @ Dr. Heiter laboratory of freaks, the girls are kidnapped along with a Japanese dude (A. Kitamura). Here, they (and we) are told in some awesome diagrams what will be done to them. The diagrams are completely simple and explained by Dr. Heiter in such bold, grandiose fashion that he his insane surgery becomes 1% plausible in all our minds.

Dr. Heiter (D. Laser) may go down as one of the most craziest, eviliest and mentally disturbed doctors in horror movie history. His speech in a drawn out, monotone German accented voice is clearly chilling. Laser's performance is brilliant, making the doctor who originally separated Siamese twins evolve into a mad surgeon that is similar to that of the iconic Dr. Frankenstein. All that is important is the medical breakthrough.

Later, the good doctor has to deal with some cat and mouse action with an escapee and we see the doctor at his uber evilest. He even taunts his mouse, threatening intense pain and in a wicked scene that plays out in a swimming pool, he proves his point.

The movie goes into suspense mode but the outcome has a foregone conclusion. The audience is obligated to root for the insane proctologist at this point and I happily obliged. I wanna see a fuckin Human Centipede...I mean who wouldn't?

"Surgery and Recovery"

Montaged is the surgery so the grossness of it all is compacted into quick edits of fleshy gore. The montage is hilariously LOL, as we see Dr. Heiter exhausted and upon looking at his final creation egotistically kisses himself in the mirror, proud of what he's done.

Seeing our new human centipede in action is quite a sight.The Japanese dude is at the head, our escapee in the middle and our American diva at the rear. Dr. Heiter treats this monstrosity almost as a pet, teaching them new tricks, locking them up at a cage and feeding them morsels of food.

Now connected gastronomically, the first eating, digesting and shitting transaction would seem to be the penultimate scene of the entire movie. In this movie history first our Japanese head yells in banzai-like Japanese "I'm sorry, I have to shit!!!" This initates our fearless surgeon to utter "Feed Her! Feed Her!" and thus becomes the most memorable quote in The Human Centipede.
The scene is utterly goofy and lacks the punch I wanted to see. Did I want to see Montezuma's Revenge or a 2Girls 1Cup style fuckedupness? Yeah, a part of me wanted to see some sick shit. But the movie plays it out visually R and I guess we should be thankful.

As the movie concludes, we have a Mexican standoff of sorts between our human centipede, our insane medical professional and law enforcement. The ending delivers some goods, though one final encounter between master and creation lacked the payoff I was hoping to see.

The Human Centipede is not a perfect movie but it does something that the other movie that came out the same day doesn't do. It's fuckin original.

Six mentioned during the Q&A how that the idea started out as a joke with friends that he thought the best punishment for say child molester would be to get his mouth connected to some dirty truck driver's ass.

He then concluded this would make a great horror film.

Well he's right. The Human Centipede is clearly a film that stands on the edge of horror. The simple joke that turned into an idea that turned into a movie is clearly a connected centipede of horror awesomeness.

Sure I'd like to have seen it go over the edge and go into the realm of uncharted super duper uber fuckedupness, but the First Sequence is a step in the right direction.

Nude-ipedia

As part of the centipede, our American fashionistas are nude

Gore-ipedia

Unscheduled medical surgery ickiness
Various forms of violence
.....THE MOVIE HAS HUMAN BEINGS CONNECTED ASS TO MOUTH!!!

WTF moment

The digestion process scene

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Six has said that part 2 "The Full Sequence" is in the works and could be a full 12 people (I'm not sure if he was joking). He also mentioned that he had some stuff that's more crazy and intense in store for the sequel.

Sure you can take your child molesters and burn them, but all that would have done is make the perv make a deal with dream demons and thus cause him to kill your teen kids in their sleep. What the parents on Elm Street should have done was connect the child molester's mouth to somebody's asshole.

See, that would have been the better choice.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below.



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