Friday, April 30, 2010

Freddy Kreuger vs An Insane Proctologist: Who will win?

Two movies come out today. Sure, I know 99.9% of you are going to see the remake today. But the 0.1% of the horror-verse will go see another movie...one I'm waaaaay fuckin hyped up to see. Yup. Today we go to the doctors office and see The Human Centipede.

So I've compiled some links from the jaded viewer archives for both movies to get you hyped up for both. My thoughts? I've already seen a child molester kill teens in their sleep. Been there, done that.

I've never seen a deranged doctor surgically connect humans from their mouth to an anus. It was an easy choice.

But these guys want your movie bucks. Make your choice.

Freddy says see my flick because......

Insane Dr. Giggles like proctologist says see my flick because......

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Never Evaaaaaar Play NES Nightmare on Elm Street: The Game

In honor of the bastardization to come in the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake that comes out tomorrow, let's look back at the bastardization of the original Nightmare on Elm Street via video game form.

CineMassacre.com's hilarious video review says it all. Thank you Angry Nintendo Nerd for suffering through this for our amusement.

Check out the video below.



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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The 2010 LAMMY Awards: Nominate and Vote for the jaded viewer!

I'm not going to spend too much time on this but if you're part of the LAMB and you've been a Joe Regular here @ the jaded viewer, why don't you nominate the jaded viewer?

I'd like to be nominated for something.
  • Funniest Writer?
  • Best Overall Post?
  • Best Movie Reviewer?
  • Best Horror/Sci Fi Blog?
It's all good. The LAMBS are good people and I'm proud to be part of this league of awesomeness. In any case, if you are a fellow LAMB and dig the viewer of jadedness, go vote here.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My 12 cents on the Piranha 3D Teaser Trailer

So the Piranha 3D Teaser is out. If you haven't seen, you can watch it below. Insano Steve and I talked yesterday on remakes and his thoughts were Hollywood should make remakes on bad movies and not GOOD movies. I agree.

Remake Phantasm or Leprechaun or some other crappy movie. But leave the Elm Streets alone.
In any case, Piranha is one that I guess should be remade because....

a.) Nobody saw the original
b.) You can showcase Spring break boobage
c.) Hire decent actors playing rubbery stereotypical characters
d.) See mother fuckin piranhas in a mother fuckin lake

OK here be the trailer.





OK let's start to shred this one with random thoughts shall we?

0:00-0:20

Fake James Cameron 3D PSA is a nice touch. You didn't fool me!

0:23

Boobs!!!

0:24


Is Lake Victoria right by Amity Island?

0:27

Trampoline bouncy boobs!!!

0:30


Gratuitous Eli Roth cameo. Where's your heterosexual lifemate Quentin?

0:32

Cheerleader boobies!!!

0:35


Gratuitous Kawasaki motorcycle product placement

0:39

Why is their an old hag in Spring Break? Die bitch die!!

0:46

Elizabeth Shue is still looking hawt...but nobody is going to listen to you unless you show your boobs.

0:47

Ving Rhames. You ain't know Samuel L.

0:48

Is that a Richard Dreyfus cameo? Dude the lake you want is down the road.

0:55

That's some mutant fuckin piranha...I think its got a laser beams attached to its head

1:02

Listen to Doc Brown...he's smart!!

1:07


Jet ski vs boat (its no zombie vs shark)

1:16

HA ha! I knew those piranha had laser beams attached to their heads. They just caused a boat to explode!

1:22

This shits going to be awesome in 2D!!! Umm I mean 3D!

Thoughts on this one? Please share. I hope the sequel has ill-tempered mutated sea bass. They're more deadly than this weak piranha bullshit.

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Monday, April 26, 2010

5 websites that inspired the jaded viewer

I started the jaded viewer in 2006. But really Insano Steve and I kind of started searching for underground horror back in 2002 or so. The internet had just started bursting with horror websites and we were Yahoo-ing sites (yes Yahoo was the big search engine back then) for some movies that could totally blow us away (via shock value and pure gore and splatter).

There were barely any horror blogs back then but there were plenty of websites that were devoted to horror with an emphasis on hard to find films. Most people created their websites on Angelfire or Geocities (both are now defunct). Some horror fans created their own websites from scratch (domain name and page layout). You just had to search real hard to find these sites.

Of course back then horror trading was rampant as Napster downloading. So most horror fans could be found in horror forums and Google newsgroups. This is where I spent most of my days talking about horror.

So when I decided to make my own site, I drew inspiration from those early websites that introduced me to so many of those fucked up movies I now share with you. So here are just a few of the websites that led to the creation of what is now the jaded viewer.

Thanks to the Internet Wayback Machine Archive, you can see them as they were circa early 2000s. These guys were the true pioneers of what we now call the horror blogosphere. Without these guys, my site and probably others wouldn't exist.

1.) Aylmer's Grisly Grimey Page of Unspeakable Horror

I wrote reviews for Aylmer's Grisley Grimey Page of Unspeakable Horror. The 2 reviews on here are Darkness and Luther the Geek. It had lots of guest reviews (people would submit reviews and they would be posted up) and had a wide collection of movies that I never even heard of. Good stuff, good reviews. A "Who's Who" feature was very educational for noobs like myself back then.

2.) Losman's Lair of Horror

Easily the most influential horror website I ever came across during the early days of my horror education. Insano Steve made it our mission to see every movie on his list (and we actually accomplished this with some tales to tell). His Disturbing Movies and Truly Great Horror were the definitive list of what I needed to see. And he introduced Insano Steve and I to cannibal movies. 100% good stuff here.

3.) Vidjunkie

From 1995 to 2005, this site blurb reviewed some great titles. From Euro to Asian cinema, the massive movie database here was unbelievable. Introductions to Fulci, Naschy, Bava, Argento and countless others were pivotal in my cult movie schooling. The reviews are hilarious as well.

4.) Kung Fu Cult Cinema

If there was one site I had to go to know what's the what in Chinese, Japanese, Korean and Thai movies, I went here. They knew their stuff inside and out and their reviews were must reads. Without KFC Cinema, I would have not seen the j-horror originals that inspired their American counterparts. The site had a massive following and their forums were pretty solid too.

5.) Luminous Film and Video Works

It's the only site that still exists from the 5 websites on this list. It was an Amazon site for hard to find sleaze titles. Checking back here weekly, I would know what was coming to DVD. The first of its kind to sell some underground shit.

Honorable Mentions (most of these sites are alive and well) : Teleport City, HK Flix, BadMovies.org, Midnight Eye, Mobius Home Video Forum, Monsters at Play, Maggot Video.

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I wish some of these sites were still around. They would have enjoyed where the horror community has taken itself since the inception of the web. Thanks to these sites, the jaded viewer exists and is part of a very awesome horror blogosphere.

So what sites influenced your blog or site? (if you say the jaded viewer, thanks!! :-P) Everybody has an origin story for their little corner of the web. What's yours?

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Raging Phoenix (Review)

Raging Phoenix

Raging Phoenix aka Deu suay doo(2009)

Directed by Rashane Limtrakul

Move over Tony Jaa. There's a new kick ass fighter that makes you look like Daniel-son. And it's not a dude.

JeeJa Yanin sophmore effort after her mega awesome Chocolate lives up to the hype and more. Simply more WTF plot, more zany bad guys and more henchmen to dispose of.

This movie has it all.

Aside from the goofy plot revolving bottled tears (seriously, I'm not kidding) and some overly melodramatic cut scenes the movie has to be graded on the fight scenes alone. Plots in muay thai action are like dialogue in porn, it's totally irrelevant. I mean that's how I graded Chocolate and its really what you want to know right?

Let me just say this. Every time I see Thai action, I usually think I've seen it all and then somehow to my surprise I see something totally jaw dropping. Limtrakul and this crew create elaborate settings to hold massive, super awesomely choreographed fight scenes that are like dancing to violence. It's violent ballet and its fuckin beautiful.

Raging Phoenix is violent poetry and Yanin is an action ballerina. You will see stunts, gymnasticy flips and severe elbows and knees to the head. And it's a work of art. This is hardcore, uncensored action porn my good jaded viewers.

And its got a beat!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Depressed socialite Deu (Jija Yanin) picks fights and plays the drums in a rock band. One drunken night, a mysterious woman and tranvestite ambush Deu in a garage, but she gets rescued by Sanim (Kazu Patrick Tang) and his crew of Muay Thai-savvy B-Boys. From Sanim, Deu learns about a kidnapping ring that targets special girls like herself and Sanim's bride, who disappeared on their wedding day. Determined to get revenge, Deu trains hard in martial arts under Sanim to prepare for the ultimate fight.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This is actually the first movie where we hear JeeJa Yanin speak as she played a mute Jaa disciple in Chocolate. Thai-logue is very squeaky to say the least but Yanin in her acting performance plays the damsel then the slayer in a nice rounded performance. Her crew, consisting of Sanim, "The Leader", "The Joker", "The Drunk" and "The Loner" are a crew bent on dismantling the evil women kidnapping ring who like I said before kidnap women who have a certain odor. Once they kidnap these smelly women, they extract their tears (I'm not kidding!!!).

OK now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the fight scene ratings. I've given these fight scenes unique names describing why the fight scene is taking place and my rating (out of a scale of 1-4 spinkicks....obviously!). Don't like it? I'll elbow you in the head.

"Save the damsel"

The opening fight scene is quite awesome. Deu who is a noob is saved by Sanim as he fights off the lowe tier henchmen. Dudes on 2 legged pogo sticks with razors attached to em attack Deu as he fights em off. Lots of kicks to the head and pure athleticism.

Rating: 2 1/2 spins (because JeeJa Yanin didn't take part yet)

"You got Served"

Not 10 minutes later do we have another round of henchmen attack our drunk breakdancing crew in their hideout. Solid shit here. Break dancing, hip hop muy thai action-o-graphy. Totally freakin insane. I have never seen dudes breakdance while kicking and punching minium wage henchmen. They even pulled off tag team shit flipping JeeJa into kicks and punches. Some solid comic relief as well.

Rating: 3 spins

Gratuitous training montage!!!

After being rescued, Deu learns the way of the drunken Muy Thai martial arts. It's an ode to Jackie Chan's Drunken Master and serious boozing results in serious ass kicking. Very light hearted, very athletic. Even the montage had me seeing serious skill and gymnastic awe and wonder.

"Girls just wanna have fun"

Deu goes out on her own to show off her skills. She easily disposes of some badly trained henchmen with some awesome high flying kicks and choreographed blocks and counters. Good times.

Rating: 3 spins

"The Respect"

Deu takes on "The Loner" in a non romantic, waves pounding beach action scene. Deu seriously wins in a shutout. Beautifully shot, some serious counters and high flying kick-assery. The team gets united and forms Voltron. All 5 team members get ready to take on the uber evil kidnapping crew.

Rating: 2 spins

"The Hideout"

Using Deu as bait, our Thai Force Five find the not so secret hideout of the kidnappers. They've got some heavy duty mini bosses who are tough as shit. One is a red haired dude and the other is a old man master kinda guy.

Everybody is going nuts, punches are flying and our crew is getting their asses kicked. All looks doomed for our team.

Rating: 3 spins

"The Teaser"

I call this "The Teaser" because this is a fight scene with our main boss Roontawan (she's the Asia Pacific Woman Bodybuilding Champion...no seriously). Crazy looking boss, heavily built and she can be lethal. Sanim and Deu use some tag team shit but that doesn't work at all. I should also mention Sanim is there to save is fiancee who got kidnapped.

Rating: No rating as this is just a teaser to the next scene.

"The Bridges"

And we get one of the best fight scene in the entire movie. Taking place on all creaky Temple of Doom like wooden bridges, our hero and heroine battle it out against Boss Lady. Serious rope flipping, duck and cover and awesome counters. Even tag team shit comes at a mile a minute. Totally insano stuff here...pure action ballet to the uber max.

When you think our heroes have won, you'll be shocked to see what happens.

Rating: 3 1/2 spins

"The Catfight"

After our other crew get their asses kicked, its up to Deu to step it up (get it!!!). Our Thai Force Five are badly beaten, Muscular Boss Lady looks to have won but Deu won't give in. Quick montage of Sanim, her training and those poor kidnapped women...she knows what she needs to do to get the strength she needs to defeat evil HGH Boss Lady.

She drinks her spinach tears!!!!

This leads to an easy ass kicking off the mini bosses and sets up the ultimate muy thai catfight. This has gotta be the best catfight action scene evaaaaaaaaaaaaar!!!!!!

Both get some serious shots in. Elbows are a flying, kicks are connecting and both women are eating floor. But Deu goes ballistic and takes care of business. I fell in love with JeeJa Yanin as she elbowed and kneed 'roided up Boss Lady in the face. Some reverse kicks and a spectacular finishing maneuver make this a happy ending.

Sanim is played by Kazoo, a TRICKZ martial arts champion from France. Thai B-Boys, some awesomely trained stuntmen and the hot JeeJa Yanin make Raging Phoenix a Must See film. If your tired of the boring American action films that rely on *yawn* guns and explosions, then hit up the alternative that is Thai action cinema.

JeeJa Yanin is clearly the cute action slayer and whatever her next film is, its going to be filled with the action you clearly paid to see. She's Tony Jaa with boobs and their really is nothing sexier than seeing a women elbow and knee somebody in the face. That's fuckin hawt.

Nude-ipedia

It's action porn, not regular porn

Gore-ipedia

This is not the gore you are looking for.

WTF moment

The final scene

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I gave Chocolate 4 spinkicks. I'm giving Raging Phoenix 3 and a half. That's not to say Chocolate is better, but at the time I had never seen anything like Chocolate before. The movie has a run time of 1 hour and 50 minutes (I know right?) and some of the movie is filled with melodramaticy moments which make the movie longer than it should be.

But damn those fight scenes are awesome.

(Shhhhh the movie on YouTube right now, so you can actually watch it)

It's a happy fun time watching Raging Phoenix. I guarantee.

Rating:
1/2

Check out one of the fight scenes below.




This is a stunt show demonstration from a Thai TV show (funny stuff)





And of course the trailer.



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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Dread (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Dread.

"In the same vain as Martyrs, Dread's psychological (then physical) trauma inflicted on the victims is done to prove a point. While Martyrs went beyond the limit, Dread goes a tad lite on the issue.

Yes, I'm actually calling Dread a diet version of Martyrs."


Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My quote is in a trailer!!!

If you've followed this little corner blog on the web, my running joke is if a quote from one of my reviews ever ended up on a DVD box, poster or advertisement, I would immediately shut down the jaded viewer.

I've come close though the criteria hasn't always applied (and I find nice loopholes to keep the site going :-P). My quote from a review of the trailer of Incest Death Squad (full review here) is on the cover of the DVD box. Some of my quotes were requoted on filmmakers and directors blogs (the most notable was when Toby Wilkins (director of Splinter) posted a quote from my review)

I get kinda excited and happy when that happens, I won't lie. It's an exhilarating feeling for an unknown blogger and critic to see that. It's a little bit of happy when your hard work gets noticed. I'm sure other bloggers can attest to having that happen too when they've gotten some press work for them for a change.

So its now super awesome that the Soska Sisters have put in my quote from a review I wrote of their film Dead Hooker in a Trunk (full review here). The review laden trailer is below and my quote is towards the end (at about 1:05 mark). Some will think I gave the movie a positive review maybe because I wanted to get quoted but I'm here to say that shits not the case. I saw the trailer, got excited and once I saw the film, I honestly liked the flick (and in my review I have a few nitpicks) but overall thought it was kick ass.

And I'm not alone as from the other people quoted in the trailer from Eli Roth to Arrow in the Head to Gorezone.

Well this made my day. Check out the trailer below. Dead Hooker in a Trunk is going on a festival tour this year and if you have a chance to see it please do. It's a fun little flick with some great performances and some top notch slaughter.

(look it's another awesome quote!)



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Monday, April 19, 2010

What did you think of Kick-Ass?

Hopefully some of you have seen Kick-Ass (click for full review here) by now. As I said in my review:

"Kick-Ass is simply perfection in what a comic book movie is suppose to be. It politely mocks the genre but knows what the audience came to see. Witty humor, POW! BAM! action and a new band of heroes that you won't ever forget. Kick-Ass sits on the throne of comic book movie royalty daring anybody to take away it's crown. Hit Girl says it best."

"OK cunts, let's see what you can do now"

But not all the critics have agreed with my 4 spinkick review. Currently Kick-Ass is at 77% Fresh at Rotten Tomatoes and a few notable critics like Roger Ebert have bashed it for glorifying Hit Girls violent and profane actions and words. Others think there is no satire in the entire film.

Of course there is SATIRE you dumb mofo's!

The satire is in the fact that a regular dude could become wildly popular in this Internets viral age. Where some people can get famous for whining in front of their web cam or doing some silly dance, the fact that footage of Kick-Ass doing something heroic and it being the trigger to his popularity and spawning of "other superheroes" is the satire of the social and internet age.

Anybody can get their 15, but Kick-Ass states: Can you get your 15 and do something positive with it?

That's the satire. That a kid with no superpowers becomes an icon for the viral age and annihilates "the evil in the city".

Sure it's pretty comic booky in its violence, but that's where the fun comes in.

Back to Hit Girl's violent poetry and profanity laced 'logue. These middle aged, web illiterate critics denounce Chloe Moretz's awesome performance and feel deep hatred towards Matthew Vaughn's direction. I respect Ebert and his opinion but I heard the same echoes from those critics from At The Movies.

So I put this question for ya.

What if Hit Girl was Hit Boy. Would you still feel the same way?

Would seeing a tweeny boy kill and curse make it ok? Is it because Mindy Macready and her father are a 1-2 punch of death fury that makes it uncomfortable? C'mon now, don't be fuckin hypocritical now you old geezers. Why can't we have girl power ala The Bride in Kill Bill?

We've had movies where tweeny girls have put in very adult situations (shit wasn't that Precious movie was fucked up in that way)

Yeah the movie has intense uber action scenes (rockin out to Joan Jett's Bad Reputation) but its the reverse hierarchy. Kick-Ass is the wimp, Hit Girl is the one man army. Remember, when Buffy the Vampire Slayer came along, Whedon reversed this dynamic and wanted to give us a positive girl power heroine.

Sure, Hit Girl isn't in high school, but 11 yrs old or 10 (depending on the comic) but it's putting that idea in our head that anybody can be a superhero be it nerdy, comic book geeky kids or a tweeny pre-pubescent girl.

I guess the mentality of these old geezers is still the same as ever. Wake up guys. It's a whole new world and you're being left behind.

Watch Hit Girl curse and blow mafiosos away.





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OK, if you've seen the movie...what did you think? Was the movie awesome or average or horrible? Did you notice the satire as I did? What do you think Hit Girl and her character? Was her portrayal good, bad or ehhhh? Do you think seeing a 11 yr old girl assassinating mafiosos glorifies violence and how girls should act?

Leave a comment!

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Friday, April 16, 2010

It's Chiller Theatre 2010! That means we salute Sci-Fi Ninja Theater!

The Chiller Theatre Expo is taking place this weekend April 16th to 18th in Parsippany, New Jersey. I think I went to my first Chiller in the late 90s or maybe in 2000. I forget. Good times all around. However, having went 2 years ago, I may not go this year. I documented that I thought the horror conventions of late were gasping for air. I've had no motivation to go of late though I must admit the guests seem interesting.

I mean where would I get to meet and talk to.....
  • Ruggero Deodato!
  • Alice Cooper!
  • It's Blossom! Mayim Bialik!
  • Jeffrey Combs!
  • Brutas "The Barber" Beefcake!
and
  • Kristanna Loken!
OMG. Tom Savini is not going to be there this year. It must be a sign of the apocalypse. In any case, almost guaranteed to be there is Vincent Vlado aka Sci-Fi Ninja Theater guy. I met this guy and he interviewed me though I never got to see the footage. If you're not familiar with Sci-Fi Ninja Theater, it's a TV show that's broadcast on public access here in NYC.

Check out all his videos on YouTube. They're all a hoot, sometimes a little awkward but always filled with costumed freaks, cosplay hotties and long long long footage of models (big breasted and the ones of memorabilia). I can honestly say, kudos for interviewing such well rounded "actresses".

Though Sci-Fi Ninja Theater has interviewed some horror icons including George A. Romero and Scream queen herself Tiffany Shepis.



The intro to the show is a mish mash of anime and Asian movies. Truly bizarre and oddly hyptonizing. Our host for the show is "Shadow Ninja" and I always get a kick out hearing a man in a ski mask with no eye holes tell me he needs help with reviews and to e-mail him.

Good ninja stars times.

So we here at the jaded viewer salute Sci-Fi Ninja Theater. You get an honorary Ninja Star of Death for all the great footage of Chiller Theater and the other conventions you've covered. Thank you Sci-Fi Ninja Theater and we hope you continue to cover these conventions for years to come.

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Collector (Review)

The Collector

The Collector (2009)

Directed by Marcus Dunstan

I never liked Saw. My main gripe was it was told in flashbacks that destroyed the suspense. So all that was left was seeing how somebody died or lived through the trap.

Mind you I still watch the Saw movies even though I despise them. Why? Because it's like a bad TV show you've already watched a couple of episodes and you feel like you gotta keep watching just to see what they do next.

So going into The Collector, I expected more of the same. More traps, more flashbacks and an unstoppable killer. Well what do you know? There were traps, no flashbacks and we got an unstoppable killer.

Sigh.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Desperate to repay his debt to his ex-wife, an ex-con plots a heist at his new employer's country home, unaware that a second criminal has also targeted the property, and rigged it with a series of deadly traps.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

To review this in a regular way would give me a headache, so instead you get some Q&A. Deal with it.

1.) Jigsaw can be hired for house calls now? The bad economy hit him hard. So what's the deal?

OK, it's not Jigsaw but it's Jigsaw's cousin who likes Home Depot alot. Dude where's a black lucha libre mask and he likes collecting people. Yes horror minions, this dude collects people. I guess he thinks they'll go up in value in a few years.

2.) So who's our final guy? I'm betting he's Asian because Asians make good final guys.

Hmm I don't see Asian Final Guys in the slasher handbook. But no it's a regular white dude. Seems this guy needs to help his wife and uses is burglar skills to rip off some rich guy's safe. But Collector Man hits the same house. Oh fuck for non Asian Final Guy.

3.) I hear Madeline Zima plays a goody two shoes, God fearing, very devout virgin in this flick?


She plays a chain smoking slut. What did you expect?

4.) Do we get to see her boobs?

Yup. They're real and they're spectacular.

5.) I wanna discuss the traps. They seem like real traps that can be put together in a few minutes without any real skills. I mean a table from IKEA is harder to put together than these elaborate traps...right?

Hahahaha. Holy fuckin cow jaded viewers. The biggest logic issues (besides Collector Man's tendency to collect people) has gotta be how he puts these traps together. Let's go through the list shall we in a WTF list?
  • He boards up all the windows with wood planks with razors attached to them (WTF!?! This would take at least 3 hours and a crew of 3...c'mon now)
  • He puts nail heads on the steps (WTF!?! That's a lot of hammering)
  • Acid on the floor in a room (WTF?!? Wouldn't the acid burn through the wood?)
  • Like 20 Bear traps on the floor (WTF?!? Bear traps are heavy and take a long time to prensap into place)
  • A scissors trap that results on a death by nails on a wall (WTF?!? Now this takes some serious levers and pulley systems...who is this guy? MacGyver?)
  • Another trap which pulls a victim by the feet (WTF?!? More wires and pulley systems. Does he have MIT students helping him out?)
  • Fish hooks in the shower (WTF?!? I mean seriously..this is some tedious type shit)
  • Various other traps that would require a crew of 25, working 24/7 and take at least 3 months to set up
6.) So do people who seem like douchebags die? I like seeing death by douchebaggery.

Yeah some rich people get zilched so thats always a plus. A few sporadic others die.

7.) I'm a proud card carrying member of the More Gore in Gore Movies Association of America. Should I watch this? Also, can you not tell my mom that I'm a member of the MGIGMAMA.

If you love the gore, you'll see the following: Some intestinal fortitude spewage, tongue trauma, nail trauma, bear trap trauma and death by dog neck trauma, lip trauma, teeth trauma

8.) Do any little kids spew any vulgarities?

Umm no dude. This isn't Kick-Ass.

9.) So is this Collector Man as badass as Jigsaw, Jason, Freddy or Michael?

It's like this dude saw too many Saw movies and wanted to be a slasher in real life. You know a Unabomber intellect but gothy. I suspect this guy has severe mental problems and he is from Bulgaria. Also, he's fuckin fat.

10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?

You know how these movies go. When you think you've won, shit comes out of nowhere to mess up your day. I blame inept cops and terrorists.

WTF Moment

How the fuck did he put all these traps together in like 20 minutes?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well if you're a fan of those Jigsaw traps, I guess you'll like this flick. It's got some serious wicked ones which is why it gets half a rating more than it should get. The obvious logic questions in all these Saw and The Collector type movies has gotta be this:
  1. How the hell can they afford to make all these traps?
  2. Is there a website where I can learn to make these awesome traps? Say deathtrapsforbeginners.com?
Well I checked, there is no such site. Sigh.

Rating:
1/2


The Trailer


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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Hero We All Need To Believe In!

Watch this video and see the hero we all can believe in.





He will never retreat, never surrender!!!

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Ong Bak 3 (Trailer)

The original Ong Bak was super duper awesome. Ong Bak 2 was awesome. With Ong Bak 3, it's hard to know what to think. But what you can count on is Tony Jaa jumping on elephants and kneeing and elbowing people in the face. So that's gotta be good right?

Check out the trailer below.



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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Dawning (Review)

Dawning

Dawning (2009)

Directed by Gregg Holtgrewe


There are perks to being a part of the horror blogosphere. One of them is getting to see a film the blogosphere has been praising for a while now. After getting a screener from director Gregg Holtgrewe, I had high expectations as much of the buzz was overtly positive.

So would I be part of the "Yay" team?

I cannot lie. Dawning is quite yay, a few hiccuppy nays but all good.

When a indie filmmaker like Holtgrewe can make a small budget movie look completely Hollywood, that alone is all kudos. The movie looks professional, the imagery and photography are top notch and the acting solid. But what makes Dawning stand out is the drawn out suspense that chills you to the bone.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Takes place at a Northern Minnesota lake cabin where a brother and sister visit their father and step-mom. As the first night unfolds with uncomfortable small-talk and tension, tragedy strikes.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Dawning as described by Holtgrewe in a interview with Rhonny Reaper @ Dollar Bin Horror is the best of a drama and the great elements of horror. In essence the movie is really 80% drama and 20% horror. So I'll try to break it down that way.

80% Drama

Chris and Aurora go visit their father and step mom. Their relationship with their father is already disjointed. Various conversations and actions play out like a Lifetime Movie of the Week and you can sense the tension within all of them.

The family is looking to come together but this is not going to happen. The acting here by the cast is really solid. You sense the strain between him, his wife and his 2 kids. Alcoholism is a main factor but resentment is ever evident. Najarra Townsend who plays Aurora emotes over a lost dog seems genuine as does Jonas Goslow's Chris who plays the slacker happy pothead.

The first half of the movie is truly mesmerizing as a broken family tries to put the pieces back together.

20% Horror


After their dog dies, the family is equally disturbed. Soon a mysterious man bursts into their home and holds them hostage. Seemingly crazy, the family tries to MacGyver a plan together to get out of this situation.

Similar to M.Knight and even a few Twilight Zone episodes, the suspense is built up over time. It's a slow burn that is built up predominately with sound, exterior shots and closeups. Minimal conversation is uttered. Very Hitchcockian in that way.

At one point, our mysterious hostage taker screams "Eviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllll!!!!" This is pretty much our only glimpse into what may be outside their log cabin. Because something is outside the cabin and we and the family DO NOT KNOW what it is. Soon chaos ensues as the stranger, the evil mysterious force haunting them start to breaks up the family into madness.

You would think the family would become stronger when dealing with a common enemy but here Holtgrewe has us see them falling apart in front of our very eyes. It's done well and we really empathize as they turn on each other as the evil consumes them.

With this 20% horror is an unknown assailant. The fact that we don't get an explanation is good as it opens it up into interpretation, but without a hint of what this evil force is, the horror element is lacking. Even in The Mist we got to see what this ultimate monster was. You cannot introduce a unstoppable, uber coercing evil and not try to explain what's going on. That's a disservice to being partly a horror movie.

All in all, Dawning is a solid suspenseful and chilling film that will have you hearing things in the middle of the night. It's a delight to see a independent movie that isn't a generic horror movie in a box. Holtgrewe's blending of two genres was a risky experiment but Dawning makes it work.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

Gore-ipedia

Dog trauma

WTF moment

The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

My fellow horror bloggers have reviewed this movie and you can check out all their reviews by going here. Check out the official site for more info on screenings and press.

Rating:
1/2


The Trailer


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Monday, April 12, 2010

After Dark Horrorfest 4: Hidden (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Skjult aka Hidden.

"It's a little odd that Hidden has ended up in the After Dark Horrorfest 4 lineup. The film has some elements of horror, but it’s really a psychological suspense movie disguised as horror by a deceptive poster and a rapid edited trailer."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

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Friday, April 09, 2010

5 Foreign Movies that are Shocking as Hell (and that you may not have heard of)

Clearly, my post on the new freakishly bio-torture film, The Human Centipede has got me thinking of other foreign flicks that have been labeled as "most disturbing" or "totally shocking". I had to search long and hard to figure out what I HAD seen and what I could put comprehensively on a list. What I have down below is what I can remember and probably just a few of the movies I've seen that are disturbing as hell.

Sure there are others, but I tried to think of the ones that you may NOT have heard of. So sit back and relax and feel comfort that you probably haven't seen it (applause if you have). Note that all these films are either from 1992 or 1974...weird.

5.) Man Bites Dog

Country: Belgium (1992)

the jaded viewer says: One of the first serial killer movies that was funny, yet highly disturbing. It's a mockumentary as a film crew follows Benoit, a sadistic serial killer.

So why is it shocking?

Well the fact that our protagonist kills without any remorse and the crew though appalled does nothing the murders and even helps in some cases.

Also the ending is by far ironically twisty. Just a good indie flick but with some of the blackest humor you will ever see in a movie.

4.) Dr. Lamb

Country: Hong Kong (1992)

the jaded viewer says: Sure the easy pick from China is to go with an Anthony Wong Ebola Syndrome flick. But for some unknown reason Dr. Lamb sticks in my head.

Simon Yam stars as Lam Gor Yu aka Dr. Lamb, a disturbed loner who drives a taxi at night, looking to rid the streets of what he considers to be human garbage.

This is Category III stuff which has graphic scenes of mutilation, necrophilia and serious amounts of splatter, gore and carnage.

It's one movie that sticks in my head as the pinnacle of HK splatter and shock.

3.) Benny's Video

Country: Austria/Switzerland (1992)

the jaded viewer says: It's a Michael Haneke film that's NOT Funny Games. Haneke's Benny's Video is disturbing as shit in that arthouse sort of way.

The subject matter is pig slaughter, kid on kid violence and some haunting family issues. It's methodical (as Haneke shows in his other movies) and the violence is a look into Haneke's thesis of violence on film.

It has a lot to say and leaves an impact you soon don't forget. Mostly because of Benny and his video.



2.) Vase de Noces aka The Pig Fucking Movie

Country: Belgium (1974)

the jaded viewer says: It's a movie about a guy fucking pigs...but it's done all avante gardy.

So I will leave you with some phrases because there really is no plot in this black and white grainy film.

Pig Fucking
Pigacide
Human/Pig Hybrids
Feces Urine beverage
Suicide


1.) Sweet Movie

Country: Canada/France/West Germany (1974)

the jaded viewer says: Coprophilia people. Yup. This movie has it. That's eating shit for pleasure for the uneducated.

But more than that, Sweet Movie loads up on all sorts of no no's that will ban your film in many countries. Pedophilia, real sex on film, childacide.

Read the insane plot at Wikipedia involving 2 separate narratives, one of a "Miss Canada" and the other of Anna.

For some unknown reason the only thing I remember is the second narrative of Anna luring kids with candy and doing the unspeakable to them.

Hell I have no idea what the themes are in this. All I know is my jaw dropped after watching this flick.

********************************************************************
Well there you have it. I hope this was somewhat educational. If you decide to hunt down these flicks, be warned you have to have some uber warped mind to get through them. They easily will make you sick to the stomach.

Did I miss one? What are your most disturbing or shocking films you've seen (American or foreign)?

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Thursday, April 08, 2010

After Dark Horrorfest 4: The Reeds (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of The Reeds.

"The one thing I’ll say about The Reeds is, well it had actual planty like reeds. As for the movie itself, it’s a muddy boggy creek. In other words, a complete mess."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

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Wednesday, April 07, 2010

I'm a fan of watching people get surgically connected by their anus

Last September, I first heard of The Human Centipede and my jaw dropped. The stills were WHA!?!? The plot was double WHA?!? I even wrote:

"Is this the start of biotorture horror?"

The thing about a movie like The Human Centipede is its like eating really uber spicy food. Or kinda like eating super apocalyptic, nuclear hot wings. It's not going to taste good, you are probably going to vomit and it's going to make you feel sick, but if you get through it....well you're one of the few to get to experience the glory of getting through it.

I'm for one want a challenge. Only a few movies have seriously disturbed the shit out of me. And most of them have been German. But never did I think the Netherlands could come up with this (they must have awesome weed).

There are a few people who would seek out a film to see like this. In my 5 Types of Moviegoers who watch Horror Movies, The Core are #1. I'll go one extra. The Uber Core are the one's who want to experience seeing the vilest, disturbing, horrific films ever put on celluloid (or video).

These are the few, the brave men and women who've seen pseudo snuff horror, porn torture-core and vomit horror. Well let's add biotorture to the list. Are you Uber Core? Well if you want to be, a viewing of The Human Centipede is step 1 in joining this rare group of horror-ites.

If you missed the trailer, check it out below. Thanks to Twitch Film for the trailer.



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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

I watch Skinemax for the acting and story!

I watch Skinemax for the acting and story! Don't you?

Part of my tagline above is to review the world of erotica. Well I've been slacking on that subgenre of late. I mean the only erotica review I've ever done was detailing the exploits of the titular character Anita in Anita: The Shocking Account of a Young Nymphomaniac.

Starring Swedish girl next door Christine Lindberg, this is some quality erotica. But here in the good ole United States of America, the modern day version is of course Skinemax.

As Urban Dictionary tells us:

skinemax

Nickname for the premium cable channel Cinemax due to it's penchant for showing soft-core porn at night.

"Skinemax is a lot cheaper than going to the strip club."

Oh c'mon now, admit it. You just came home from the bar and don't have the mind power to pop in some horror or watch the late late night Sportscenter so as your flipping the channel, you vaguely hear the groans and moans and see a passing shot of a boob. Well bro, its on. I mean it hooks you right there right?

Sure you stopped the channel to see the scene play out and to enjoy the simulated sex but oddly, if you really try and actually watch the story *gasp*, they are funny as hell. Most of these follow the same plot conventions. Stop me if any of these sound familiar.
  • A couple go on vacation at a hypersexed up resort only to encounter the friskiest, horniest couple known to man
  • The struggling female artist looks to sell her art the beach, only to meet an art gallery dealer with the means to make her famous
  • 2 frat dudes are going to be kicked out of their apartment unless they can come up with the money...so what's a couple of dudes to do? Topless carwash!
Oh there are plenty more generic storylines that are so outrageous you applaud the writers for coming up with these hi jinks. Sure, most of these are set up to get to the public displays of affection (really? the hotel kitchen?) or the easiest of sex transitions (massage time!). But sometimes even the set up will actually be vaguely interesting. I mean who knew a high class brothel was where a prostitute could meet the man of her dreams. Shit...good for her.

With the story, comes the lovable acting which is put on like a sitcom on crack. In the uber reality of Skinemax, one date is all you need to get it done. Even the women are the aggressors in this smorgasbords of erotica. Let's not forget, the women are the stars of these flicks and the men are reusable props. Spewing lines like:

"I'll show you who's head of this class"

or

"You're not just a customer....you're my friend too"

Classic shit. The queen of Skinemax is of course Mrs. Gene Simmons....the one and only Shannon Tweed. Probably the first MILF of Skinemax.

Every movie cable station has their "After Dark" program. With the interweb full of free boobies and hardcore shit, gone are the days of when you'd see a side boob on a partially scrambled pay channel. Is Skinemax even relevant these days?

I know what your thinking. Did he really post something about this? Hahahaha. Yes I did. And now I open it up to you. Thoughts?

**SHIVERS**

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Friday, April 02, 2010

Leftover Thoughts: Jaded Viewer Edition

Before I started the jaded viewer, I had a personal blog filled with my leftover thoughts. The blog was aptly titled leftoverthoughts. It was pure continuum of thought, just randomness, blurbs and mumbo jumbo. I figured I'd share the more movie and horror themed thoughts I posted on this now defunct site. Enjoy!

  • You know, its actually hard to speak like you're in the Buffyverse...I know this for a fact because I tend to skew my nouns into adjectives and verbs (and when you do this, you tend to create nouns that shouldn't be verbilized (see?))
  • When I was in college, I worked for a adult video store and sorta had the "8mm" type job. On a weird night where business was slow, 2 hot looking lesbians started to flirt with me and started to make out gratuitously right in front of my eyes, they started taking off their tight knit shirts...(or that could have been one of the many pornos I watched with my free rental employee perk)
  • One day I'm going to pretend I'm a vampire and go to sleep during the day and stay awake all night, I'll even pretend to imagine sunlight hurts me and I'm allergic to garlic and silver...and on that day, I will get hit by a speeding drunk driver who thinks he's a vampire slayer

  • Superman totally outsmarted General Zod in Superman 2. Fuck you Superman.

  • The one thing about living in New York is that you get to see the most disfigured people in the world. Not just people who have multiple eyes or have no ears but people who suffer from a disfiguring disease like that bumps disease. I recently passed a woman on the street where her entire right side of her face just drooped. It was like 2 feet of droopiness. Even the homeless couldn't stop looking at her.

  • Does anybody have a copy of the episode of Different Strokes when either the following happened?

    A.) Arnold gets molested/kidnapped
    B.) Kimberly gets molested/kidnapped
    C.) Sam gets molested/kidnapped
    D.) Willis smokes up joint
    E.) Arnold, Dudley, Kimberly, Willis and Sam get kidnapped, molested and smoke up a joint

  • When is the appropriate time to just go on a killing spree?

  • Remember when you discovered the Internet?
    The first time I used the Internet was to accomplish these 3 things.

    1.) Find Information
    Yup. Find information. What kind of info you ask? Who the fuck cares? I wanted to find out about anything. Cannibal movies, old 80's television shows, celebrity corpses, who invented toothpaste? Is my final exam tomorrow?

    2.) Porn
    "What the fuck is the Internet?" Of course. To share pornography with one another.
    Are you telling me I can see Jenny McCarthy naked...........for free? Yup. At one point in college I saw somebody put up crippled midget porn as wallpaper. No shame at all.

    3.) Mp3's
    Music, for free? God bless the Internet!! Thanks pre lawsuit Napster!

  • Porn is really repetitive.
That is all for now. Now that I think of it, leftover thoughts have evolved into leftover tweets. So if you want to hear more random leftover thoughts, follow me on Twitter @jadedviewer!

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After Dark Horrorfest 4: Lake Mungo (Review)

As I mentioned before, I'm reviewing all the After Dark Horrorfest 4 movies on UGO.com. I've made up a hub for all my reviews. Keep checking back as it will be updated once the reviews go live on UGO.com.

Here's a little excerpt from my review of Lake Mungo.

"I must admit, Lake Mungo was not on my must-see radar when reviewing the After Dark Horrorfest movies. But this is the hidden gem beneath the proverbial sand of the eight films. I was exceptionally surprised at how great the movie was and amazed that it didn’t slowly evolve into a cheap Paranormal Activity gimmick. The trailer and poster are very misleading and you may be convinced you’re seeing a midnight movie set to deliver jolts of jump scares.

I am here to say jump scares be damned."

Read the rest of the review by heading to UGO.com.

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Thursday, April 01, 2010

EXCLUSIVE!!! A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake Review)

A Nightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake -2010)

Directed by Samuel Bayer

I must be the luckiest man in NYC. Somehow the stars aligned again and after I got to see an early screening of Kick-Ass, I couldn't believe I got to watch the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street yesterday. April is starting out super awesome!

But my dream turned into a nightmare after I saw this turd of a turd.

Sorry folks, it's a big giant pile of heaping crap.

And I'm not alone. The crowd at the theater was equally vomitus. Towards the middle of the flick during a gratuitous chase scene that lacked any suspense, somebody yelled "Freddy you suck!" At this point everybody applauded, laughed and tossed their remaining refreshments at the screen.

I too joined in. So why the unhappiness for our Dream Master? Let's find out with a Q&A.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A re-imagining of the horror icon Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer who wields a glove with four blades embedded in the fingers and kills people in their dreams, resulting in their real death in reality.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

This NOES remake doesn't even deserve 10 Q&As so I'm going with 5. Let's get crackin!

1.) I heard Freddy Kreuger is in this and only has 1st degree burns. He also has "a different outfit" he wears other than the sweater, fedora and glove. Is this true?

Yes folks. The burnage is sad to say the least. It's like Freddy got singed by boiling water. The makeup here is atrocious. And the different outfit is true my horror minions. He wears an almost clownlike "alternate" outfit towards the end of the flick.

My jaw dropped. The bastardization of Freddy had only yet begun.

2.) So how's the new Nancy? I heard she gets naked in that bathtub scene and you see boobage. So is it a shot by shot remake from the original scene?

You see some side boobage but the other good solid nudity comes from Skinemax stars playing high school cheerleaders. You'd think this scene would be solid but Platinum Dunes spins this into a dream sequence that is littered with cliches. From mirror scares, to hallucination scares to some cackling and those damn kids jumping rope, this entire scene and movie could be labeled "CLICHED HORROR MOVIE" by the Dharma Initiative.

3.) Damn man, wasn't there anything good in this flick? C'mon the gore and splatter are fuckin A right? I heard Freddy performs some ocular trauma on an unsuspecting nerd.

Dude, the 2 words I hate to hear in any horror flick are in full effect here: CGI gore. Sigh. I mean this CGI gore makes Diary of the Dead look like Savini effects. Sure you get some solid dream deaths, one in particular involving a locker that you don't want to open as well as Jesse getting some much needed R&R to hell. But Freddy's actual kills with the beloved glove are the worst since Revenge. You have an awesome weapon and they underutilize it here.

4.) Is Freddy going to go all Stand Up Improv or will he make me pee in my pants?

Haley is horrible as Kreuger. Some of the one-liners are flat and his scary-tude is non existent. But that's not the worst part...oh no folks.

Here we go with the giant screaming head twist!

FREDDY KREUGER IS INNOCENT!!!!

Yup he didn't molest or kill those kids. I'm not going to tell you who really did it but this is why the audience was going bonkers. They singlehandidly destroyed the mythos in 90 minutes. Why or why Platinum Dunes?!?! You sonnavabitch.

Gore-ipedia

Not even gonna get into this. I mean it had 100% CGI gore. That doesn't count.

WTF moment

Umm dude he's innocent.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

OK, my last Q&A is below. Scroll down after the picture if you want to read a BIG ASS SPOILER. Seriously, you'll want to read this.

Rating:
0 Spinkicks!!!

















5.) Is this review one big April Fool's joke?

Oh yeah. 100%. I didn't see the movie and I have no idea what the fuck happens. Shit, the flick could have unicorns as far as I know. In any case dude, if Freddy turns out innocent we all should riot.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did I fool you? You should no better....it's April fuckin first.

Happy April Fool's Day!

The Trailer


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