a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, indie, asian, exploitation films and haunted houses
Friday, February 26, 2010
Can't we all just get along? (Racial Satire at its raciest)
With February being Black History Month, I could have done what Andre @ The Horror Digest has been doing all month and honoring famous black actors and movies. But we here at the jaded viewer tend to skew our look at black history with a different perspective. I've already put up my sarcastic A Not So Good Moment in Black Horror Movie History (if you have another suggestion, let me know)
African Americans have blended into pop culture and should be honored in our new Obama nation. But the struggle continues. And the one thing we should learn about the past is its been a difficult path to gain full acceptance into Americana. The struggle and the revolution continues and we should all keep fighting the good fight.
But the history of this movement in film is filled with lots of satire, anger, revenge and humor. Yes folks, humor. I've pulled some trailers below of some infamous racial satires that slant towards the struggle, the horrifying truths and the improbable funnyness of all that is black and white.
Fight the power!
First the racy raciest race movies of the 70s. Here is the trailer for Fight for Your Life, a film about racist motherfuckers that get their comeuppance.
What could be worse than that? How about the trailer for Goodbye Uncle Tom, a movie about the slave trade by notorious Mondo Cane directors Gualtiero Jacopetti and Franco Prosperi.
A little too much for ya right? OK, let's go get some funnies. Here's the trailer for The Thing with Two Heads.
What is the Horror Blogger Alliance? Simply an organization on the interweb to unite us all horror bloggers together and get us to talk about horror issues, debate on some interesting questions and link up on our common reviews and posts.
So far it's been awesome. And the best part?
Anybody can join!
Now up to over 130 blogs, if you have a horror slanted blog you can join the Alliance. No fancy membership process, no gender or racial divide. Nothing. The only so called rules is your blog should be horror-rish.
Think about it. There are probably well over 200 horror blogs running right now (I totally just made up that number based on minimal info). Until Carl created the HBA, nobody thought to organize a grassroots org like structure for all these blogs. Sure there are the League of Tana Tea Drinkers and now the newly formed Tea Party of the Dead but special criteria applies for these.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have these orgs as well, but it's more like a frat/sorority horror blogging group rather than an all inclusive group like the HBA. No disrespect to the LOTTD or TPD as I'd be honored if chosen to be part of the LOTT D (though for the TPD, I'd have to get a special operation to join).
My main point is that after all the weird bullshit with the awards crap which even resulted in the LOTTD's Bloody Blogger Awards being cancelled, we finally have a org in which everybody can join and feel like they're part of a real internet community.
I just wanted to say thanks to Carl for creating the HBA. He picked a damn good time to start it up and its looking like it's just what we needed after all these weird awards issues that came up.
Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.
Honest to blog, thank the cheesy fries for me.
So here is The WTF List: Jennifer's Body Edition. Beware, I'm going all Buffy comparison in this list.
1.) OK, let's get it outta the way. She may look whorey, but Megan Fox is fuckin hot 2.) This movie is like an episode of Buffy. I mean they could be in Sunnydale and it totally feels the same way. Needy is Willow, Chip is Oz and Jennifer is a Cordelia/Buffy hybrid. 3.) Looking beyond her character, Amanda Seyfried is waaay hot too. Just had to get that outta the way 4.) Low Shoulder ain't no Dingoes Ate my Baby
5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line 6.) OMG that's fuckin Screeching Weasel. Damn you Diablo Cody!!!! 7.) Victim #1 was a jock douchebag (yay), Victim #2 is a Hot Topic addict (double yay) 8.) How many people from Juno are in this? 9.) It's like Teeth but without the mutant hoohaa 10.) Gratuitous use of an homage to Evil Dead via a t-shirt 11.) Hot lesbian scene is super stimulating on a intellectual basis....ok I'll be right back. 12.) Back......wait not done yet. Now I'm back. 13.) The female natural cycle to sexual innuendo ratio is like 2:1. 14.) Really? Satanic rituals and succubi. You gotta love 3rd grade level horror. 15.) The big final fight scene was all tampons and eating disorder talk. Funny one liners should have lead to chick on chick violence. 16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring 17.) That ending was on Season 3, Episode 12...aspect of the demon. OMG, did Diablo Cody just watch all of Buffy to write this shit? 18.) Gratuitous use of Lance Henrickson....why I ask you why? 19.) The waterfall thing is kinda cool 20.) OK, now lets talk about the dialogue. Sure I know its too overly clever but the Diablo Cody speak is exactly the same as Whedon-logue. So I'm not going to say that the movie is bad because of this.
I like how the dialogue is populated with pop culture references, Internet lingo and cleverly cleverisms. Because I mean look how I write for blog's sake. I'm a true Whedon disciple and every since, I've started blogging and talking this way. I think it might be a severe disorder that I will have a press conference about one day.
In any case, final thoughts on Buffy's Body. The movie is heightened Diablo Cody for the prepackaged, T-Mobile Sidekick text happy MTV crowd. I liked it in that mindless horror mainstreaminess sorta way. We got cock teased with Megan Fox partial nudity, thought we'd get some decent monsters slaying and it promoted the soundtrack as best it could. Here's the simple calculus.
Cleverlogue + Megan Fox + demonology + tongue on tongue happy = Yay!
It's a horror comedy with LOLs and OMGs and FTWs. Sit back, relax and eat some green M&M's. You get 2 spinkicks Jennifer's Body.
Well if you've been stuck in a fridge lately, you may have missed the awesomness of the soon to be newet cult phenomenon Birdemic: Shock and Terror. The trailer is superbly, brilliantly uber bad its kick ass. Going to be released theatrically (really, get the fuck outta here!) by Severin Films, this is truly the greatest bad movie in our lifetime. It makes SyFy original movies look like Citizen Kane. It makes Uwe Boll look like Spielberg.
Birdemic is going to make The Room look Oscar worthy.
OK enough gratuitous hype. If you haven't seen the trailer, check it out below and prepare to be mesmerized by the LOL hilarity of Birdemic!!!!
The Shortround: The Sweet Hand of the White Rose (Trailer)
Davide Melini (director of the short: The Puzzle) dropped me a line to tell me that the teaser and trailer are now live for his new short "The Sweet Hand of the White Rose".
Here is the plot:
"How many times have you had a bad day? How many times have you thought you would run away from everyone and everything? That is exactly what happens to Mark. In order to forget about a heated discussion with his girlfriend, he decides to get in the car and go far away. But a little mistake will change his reality forever...".
A few facts: It's a 16 min short and it was shot all over Spain.
I just want to say, for the record that I do watch TV. :-P I'm a big Lost fan and an even bigger Joss Whedon fan (as you can tell from my very active reviews of Dollhouse). But a DVD release of a TV show I had watched years back jogged my memory of a few other TV shows that I use to watch back in the day.
I'm guessing you may have forgotten these. And if by some miracle, you remember any of these shows (which is why I'm writing this post), it'll be awesome to reminisce about em.
So here are a few cult TV shows from back in the day that had me as a devoted follower. Were you one too?
Before Jessica Alba was being invisible and starring in various romantic comedies, I fell in love with her uber hotness in James Cameron's futuristic sci fi weirdness called Dark Angel.
Fun Fact!: I developed a serious disease because of this show. See below.
Dark Angel Syndrome noun
1.) Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show.
2.) Dark Angel is a reference to the hotness that is Jessica Alba and the reason why men watched in pain 2 seasons of this James Cameron inspired show.
Mind you the plot of super engineered soldiers, an electromagnetic pulse crippling the USA and covert government searching for said soldiers was kinda cheesy it did have Alba riding a motorcycle in the outfit above.
Forever Knight was part of the Crimetime after Primetime schedule before Letterman got his Late Show.
It had similarities to "Angel" in that it was a show about a vampire named Nick Knight who wants to atone for his evil by doing good and working as a Seattle cop.
I'll admit, I have all 3 seasons of this show as it was filled with some interesting characters ( he had a comic relief partner, his pseudo BFF was a medical examiner and his sire was Nigel Bennett, a very old vamp).
Good cop show which had vampire mythos mixed in. Glad I can rewatch this anytime I want.
So this is the show that sparked this post. It recently got released on DVD and I'm thinking of buying it.
It sounds like its from the old classic movie but it has more in common with An American Werewolf in London.
Starring the hot Kate Hodge, she gets bitten by a werewolf which leads to one of the funniest werewolves you'll ever see on TV. She teams up with an English professor (we call them Gileses) and they investigate supernatural cases all over England.
I mean it wasn't the most awesomest TV shows but for its time, it suppressed my appetite of werewolf fancy. I have to say, I thought it was a bloody good time.
If you remember any of these shows, drop a line and go all nostalgy. Don't be ashamed that you too watched Dark Angel for Ms. Alba. The fact that these shows have gained cult followings and warranted DVD releases years later is pretty amazing.
Are there other supernatural/paranormal/horror/sci-fi shows that you want to see again?
So after cheering the shit out of the other 3 movies above, where does this heavenly movie stand?
It's pretty solid.
Richard Griffin (who directed Splatter Disco and Beyond the Dunwich Horror) takes the campy premise of crime fighting nuns going all renegade and taking on the Mafia and makes it part Troma film, part exploitation homage and as politically incorrect as you can be.
It's totally goofy, totally over the top and totally nun-tastic!
When you watch Shock-o-rama films, you have to take a different perspective. It's DIY cinema. Sure there are budget limitations, its got B-level dialogue and the CGI is laughable. But you genuinely see the director, the crew and the actors all give it their best and sometimes, something miraculous happens.
You get a fun flick.
Boring Plot-O-Matic Sister Kelly Wrath has got a habit… of flying off the handle. After being gunned down in an alley, she ascends to heaven to receive training from some of the great figures of religious mythology. She is then set back to Earth to join the other members of the Order of the Black Habit, a group of supernatural vigilante nuns, as they fight evil and seek revenge against the mob. Awesome Review-O-Matic
Well you gotta give them credit, the nunsploitation genre of grindhouse flicks hasn't been tapped for a while. It was about time for a reboot. If you're a Catholic or God fearing Republican, you may have a heart attack after you see Nun of That. This ain't Sister Act.
So who are these nuns in the Order of the Black Habit?
Sister Wrath: She's a got temper like Jules and likes her women a la lesbo.
Sister Pride: She probably make Ellen her bitch
Sister Lust: Black mamba with a side of vengeance
Sister Gluttony: Food is her mortal sin
So after Sister Wrath is kicked from her convent, she ends up on the other side of the tracks, dispatches of some would be thugs and dies and meets the J-man. J-man goes all Mr. Miyagi and we get a gratuitous training montage where the following happens.....
She gets trained by Gandhi in the art of non violence violence
Sees J-man sing a musical number
Meets her guardian angel
After meeting her fellow sisters, they get down to business and start to kick ass. So whose ass are they kicking? Well there are a few baddies that need to be sent to hell. These include....
Big Mama (the mama kingpin)
Richie Corbucci (the #2)
Viper Goldstein (a Jewish assassin)
And various henchmen
So how do our vigilante nuns strike fear in the hearts of the criminal underground? Well with a 12 gauge shotgun and lots of ammunition. Various scenes of carnage include...
A massacre of justice at a strip club
A trip to an all nun bar called Bar-Nun
A final climactic battle at a whorehouse
It's B-level justice delivered in short bursts of hilarity. Standard gunshots to the head, torso and a few Jewish ninja stars all make this a very fun flick Jesus would be proud of. Sure you get your standard molesting priest, Jewish jokes, lesbo nuns and holy priests (get it?), but its all tongue and cheek and tongue on tongue (wink wink) fun.
This is actually the first Richard Griffin or Shock-o-rama film I've seen since Cannibal Campout and I thought I'd have a hard time diggin the B-level and Troma like humor. But the fact is, the Troma movies tend to grow on you (I mean Poultrygeist was freakin damn good) and here you get special appearances from Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman giving their stamp of approval.
So when you get in the mood to see mindless entertainment and want to see nuns kickin ass, Nun of That might be your prayers answered.
Lots of gunshot trauma Nude-ipedia
You'd think we'd get lots of boobies, but Nun of That stays pretty clothed
WTF moment Viper Goldstein the Jewish assassin needs his own movie
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
You kinda know what to expect when your watching a movie like Nun of That. I found it totally turn off your brain good. I mean it's not as good as Black Devil Doll or the others I mentioned but it's not irritatingly bad as you'd think it would be.
Double Edge Films was recently commissioned by Pentax cameras to make a short film. Most of the actors from Ink are back in this one, so your bound to see some familiar faces.It stars a few of the Ink crew including Chris Soren Kelly, Quinn Hunchar, Jeremy Make, and Shelby Malone.
Check out the short below!
That little 5 minute short just made my day. So full of coincidental fun and lots of LOLs. If you still haven't seen Ink, you can head over to the official site.
The tagline for Midnight Movie is "The New Face Of Horror". Wow, such freakin bravado isn't it? Well the dude to the left is a new face, as I mean I've never seen em before. But its not like he's going to win rookie Slasher of the Year or anything.
Not much to say about this flick. It's your generic MTV generation hack and slash, slasher film. It's got an interesting premise, but its a total yawnfest. You'd think it would be one of those self aware Scream like films, but it plays like a generic bag of potato chips.
Oh yeah, Brea Grant was in this (she was on the TV show Heroes and Halloween II remake) so that was sorta cool. Umm, I'm gonna go through the slasher checklist on this review.
A midnight showing of an early 1970's horror movie turns to chaos when the Killer from the movie comes out of the film to attack those in the theater.
As always, we here at the jaded viewer go through our "what makes a good slasher movie" list.
Does Midnight Movie achieve everything on this list? Umm no it doesn't.
1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?
Umm The Killer is mysterious, insanely strong, probably not ridiculed as a child, very much deformed and yeah, I'm going to say he's from West Virginia. 2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?
Nada. Nope. Zip. Zilch. Zippo. Negative. No Can do.
3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?
Yeah, this one has a few of em.
1.) Blonde final girl who goes from hysterical GF and older sister to "I'm gonna fuck up this slasher wannabe" 2.) Her emo BF 3.) Douchebag asshole friend 4.) Douchebag's slutty GF 5.) Fat Biker guy 6.) Fat Biker guy's GF 7.) 2 inept police officers 8.) Oversexed dork guy 9.) The lovely Brea Grant 10.) Final girl's little brother
Most die and you could care less. Trust me. I was hoping the killer would come out of my TV and make me a victim.
4.) No Plot?
5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"
Yawn. My grandma's grandma could do better.
6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem.
Here is your Gore-ipedia. So the Killer has some sort of screwer thingy as his weapon. Seems like he bought it at a 99 cents store.
1.) Screwer through the stomach 2.) Screwer through the stomach 3.) Screwer through the stomach 4.) Screwer through the stomach 5.) Screwer through the stomach
Sensing a pattern here?
7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)
Actually none of that happened in this movie. Where were you geeky leader?
8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)
Hmm maybe I should try smoke some weed and then watch this. It probably depress me than make me laugh.
9.) Final girl goes all final girly?
Oddly she does and starts praying for no apparent reason. And she starts praying alot. I think this is the first time I've seen gratuitous praying in a horror movie.
10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
I think so. I kinda wasn't paying attention. WTF moment The odd dream sequence that I didn't understand because I went to the bathroom for like 20 minutes.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Wow this review didn't even give you any idea of what this movie is about did it? Well it was about some people who see a midnight cult movie where the slasher in the movie comes to life and starts killing the people in the theater. The movie flashes between the cult movie called "The Death Beyond" oops that's "The Dark Beneath" and the people run around and start getting picked off one by one.
Yawn. Double Yawn. Can I go for gold!??! OMG it's a triple yawn! He's got the gold.
Shut Yo Mouth! Black Dynamite is out on DVD/Blu-Ray Today!!!
Did you know that if you purchase Black Dynamite on Blu Ray or DVD you SAVE an orphan from being addicted from smack???
You didn't know that did you? Well it's true. I know you guys don't want to see a 6 year old, addicted to smack breaking into your home, playing your Xbox 360, drinking a Dr. Pepper and then selling your horror collection for a fix.
So do something about it! By purchasing Black Dynamite, you get that kid off the street and into a detox program where he will be given the best in medical treatment (or what's under Black Dynamite's health coverage, plus he gets a lollipop and a dollar worth of quarters for the local arcade).
If that doesn't convince you, then check out the links below.
Directed by Lance Hendrickson/Troy McCall/Mike P. Nelson/Steven Rhoden/Ben Trandem
Holy #2 pencil! Summer School was a shockingly damn good indie horror flick. Let me preface by saying I have to thank CTK @ Planet of Terror for being the winner of his Summer School contest he had last year. I submitted my own high school story and surprisingly won.
CTK has done extensive research into the film and has written a review and procured a interview with the directors. After you see the film, be sure to check his review and the interview. They give deep insight into the making of and the writing of the film.
In any case, Summer School is somewhat of a success story of what 5 guys can do when they collaborate their creative genius into one cohesive story. Just as CTK mentioned, the poster and the trailer don't do the movie justice. You have to actually see this flick free of propaganda to get the twists and turns of it all.
OK enough yapping, I'll just give my quick thoughts on each of the "classes" within the film.
Having spent the last three days watching crappy B grade horror films, to catch up on his website movie reviews, Charles attempts to attend his first day of Summer School. All he wants to do is get his Physics class out of the way before starting senior year. Attending Summer School as well, by court order no less, are two of Charles' friends Dennis and Steve. Also his crush Lindsey appears to finally be noticing him. If his teacher, Mrs. Wickham, doesn't drive him insane what lurks in the school just might.
I hate to keep quoting from CTK's Planet of Terror review but he hits the nail on the head describing Summer School as "a horror movie version of Groundhog's Day". The movie follows Charlie, a horror blogger who can't stay awake during class and thus falls asleep and has his nightmares turn into an anthology of the greatest horror genre hits.
This leads into various "segments" that are directed by 5 different directors. So lets go over these segments or as I liked to call em, Summer School for the Horror fan.
Intro to Ancient Cultures and their tendency for human sacrifice
This is the first nightmare and it gets you into what the rest of the movie is about. I'm a non -Druid horror fan and bloody cloak and daggers were a solid opening set up. Intro to Infections and how to die painfully when you get infected
This nightmare for Charlie was a little goofy but seemed to be purposefully be comedic. Very The Thing-ish and homages all those infection movies. The "monsters" at the end were too corny for me.
Intro to Nazi Atrocities and how you can avoid being genocided
My absolute favorite of the nightmares. This one tributes those exploitation/grindhouse She Wolf of the SS films. The scenes here have the most suspense and are cleverly done. The one thing about Summer School is its low budget but these filmmakers do alot with what they have. Lots of angles where we see Charlie and his friends hiding in the foreground and an enemy approaches from the background. Good stuff.
And this had ocular trauma! Intro to Emo Vampires (or why Goths wear black)
It was either going to be vampires or zombies. They went with the one's that sparkle. You can see some Raimi and Peter Jackson in this nightmare. This is a horror comedy segment with all the bells and whistles. Even a few one liners had me chuckle.
Intro to the typical citizen of West Virginia
Rednecks and hillbillies in this one. Lots of Deliverancey ickyness and a few gun toting rednecks on the chase. Poor Charlie, he did his best to not squeal like a piggy.
Intro to the mind of the serial slasher (or little knives work as good as big ones)
Slasher time. But with a twist. The movie follows Charlie and we see his evolution has he keeps waking up in a different nightmare. By the time he wakes up here, he's fuckin pissed off. ...Class Dismissed
The movie ties in all of these well. Poor Charlie plays victim but in each of his nightmares and his friends (his stoner buds Dennis and Steve, his crush Lindsey, his teacher and the school officer show up in various alter egos.
The ending was definitely the WTF Momentof the entire movie.
Summer School is out of pocket, love of the genre, indie horror done uber awesomely. The gore and splatter is top notch for the minimal budget, the actors and actresses are solid and the use of the school interior is never repetitive.
The best comparison is those 80s comedies about Summer School (I mean there's only one 80s comedy about summer school) but with a horror twist with a shot of red tequila. What the filmmakers created is a credit to what a good story, a creative gimmick, solid acting and old school effects can accomplish. So enroll now and you'll love all the classes in Summer School for the Horror fan.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I believe the movie is on Netflix as well as on DVD. I'm sure you can watch the flick somehow. Not all indie horror is theatrical and sometimes you have to search long and hard to find a few diamonds in the rough.
Summer School gets an B+, 3 gold stars and a scratch and sniff sticker that reads "Great Job!"
The one thing that I've been not familiar with is the world of web horror and horror shorts. I've been trying to correct this with my ongoing The Shortround series where I put up shorts or web series that I think are pretty cool.
So after stumbling on a short by Drew Daywalt called Suicide Girl via Horrorland, I must say I was impressed. Once you see something you like, you start Fox Mulder-ing the investigation to see what else you can find. Thus, my extensive viewing of FEWDIO.com shorts on their YouTube Channel.
Color me floored. This is some good shit.
I am ecstatic that I found these videos and these are some of the best high quality, top notch horror shorts I've ever seen. All the shorts are masterfully produced, feature solid acting, eerie soundtrack and music, expert camera work and deliver the BOO! scares you won't forget.
First, go watch what caught my eye and you can be my Dana Scully and believe the hype I've been throwing at you.
Check out the Drew Daywalt's short called "Suicide Girl"
the jaded viewer says: For a 4 minute short, it packs a creepy punch right out of the park. Internet horror is usually hit or miss but this little short blends social tech with Ringu style madness. One of the best shorts I've seen.
Here are a few more shorts I think are standouts from the mass filmography of Fewdio Entertainment. Some of them are long slow burns that BOO! you, others are a minute or so of Twilight Zone twisty twizzler horror goodness.
A Not So Good Moment in Black Horror Movie History
I enjoy seeing white teens get slaughtered by unkillable slashers as the next horror fan but we'd hope Jason Voorhees and his alum would be equal opportunity slashers. The Friday the 13th series proved that even the token black guy (or girl) in the movie got some good shots in before they were ultimately slaughtered.
But one man, Julius Gaw gave Jason Voorhees a run for his money in Friday the 13th Part VIII Jason takes Manhattan.
So in honor of Black History month, let's honor the flipside of African Americans in horror movies by giving mad props to Julius. He wasn't the hero but if he'd just taken some HGH, he could have had the stamina to say "I knocked Jason Voorhees the fuck out!!"
So for that effort, we salute you Julius. And this is this week's A Not So Good Moment in Black Horror Movie history.
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. Definitely, not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Valentine's Day is better when you scare the one you love
Having been to Blood Manor for Halloween, it really is quite an experience to say the least. So for you New York and Tri-State peeps, Blood Manor is going to be open Valentine's Day Weekend.
What is Blood Manor? It's one of the best haunted attractions in this here city. So if your feeling blue this Valentine's Day, cheer up and get scared..or better yet scare the shit out of your significant other.
Here be the press release in its hyped up glory.
Blood Manor, NYC's Premier Haunted Attraction, presents a special Bloody Valentine's Weekend February 12th & 13 7:30PM- 1:00 AM at 542 West 27th Street (bet. 10th & 11th Ave). All are welcome for this passionate, if not quite so romantic, experience. Jilted lovers, despondent lonely hearts and those looking to hook up with a freaky last minute date will commune with slightly dysfunctional couples (you know who you are) to bury old relationships alive and/or memorialize their love. There's a razor thin line between love and hate and Blood Manor is the perfect marriage of attraction and repulsion. Make mayhem the highlight of your Valentine's Day Weekend.
The 2010 Blood Manor Valentines Day Weekend escapade begins the moment you arrive at this little bit of hell in Manhattan. Upon entering Blood Manor, revelers pass through The Chapel of Death where visitors will become reluctant guests at an unfortunate couple's unholy matrimony celebration (bring extra hankies). Then it's on to the Thunderdome where Mother Nature is joined by a high priest--talk about a natural disaster. The Insane Asylum features a couple that have been married for far too long and, let's just say, it hasn't exactly been wedded bliss The Manor Chef will make a Valentine's Day feast, and although it's not the usual candlelight dinner you might anticipate on such a romantic holiday, you will find it ghoulishly innovative (and well-sauced).
That's just a sampling of the sinister smorgasbord awaiting guests at Blood Manor - there's plenty more where that came from - it's a blood buffet. Adam and Eve will give you a glimpse into the first Valentine's Day gone wrong in the Garden of Evil. For you insatiable men, a 3-D bedroom with three lovely (yet not entirely shy) ladies await. From sexy showers that aren't quite what they seem, to Bordellos that have a new twist on lustful encounters, there is something for everyone in this sexy house of horrors. The Vortex Tunnel of Love has some spectacular laser effects that are sure to get wild hearts thumping and the Heartbeat Room will be pounding harder than ever. Warm up in the cozy boiler room, which has some sizzling characters running amok. For those looking for some help in the quest for love-- Cupid is on the scene and, let's just say, you can't miss himLadies who might need some help getting ready for their Valentine's date can visit the Beauty Shop of Horrors. Once the staff there gets through with you, there will be all kinds of new excuses as to why he's just not that into you.
There can't possibly be a better way to spend Valentine's Day. From the jaded, anti-Valentine singles to the couples who are looking to keep the thrill in their relationship and let's not forget those on their first dates. If anyone can survive this horrifying display of love gone wrong, they can survive anything. It's a surefire way to test one's love or a terrific new reason to remain forever single.
Blood Manor is owned and operated by Jim Faro, Mike Rodriguez and Jimmy Lorenzo, whose combined passion for all things spooky, created this lustful den of iniquity. Sparked by insurmountable cravings for the macabre and decades of their own incredible Halloween houses, the trio have reached scary, sexy nirvana with this 'special' Blood Manor.
If Blood Manor doesn't scare you into each others arms or make you glad you are single these guys just won't be satisfied. In their twisted minds, Valentine's Day is not a holiday that should be savored by lovers alone--any old freak should be able to partake of the festivities.
Bitch Slap is an homage to those genres, ripe with T&A and some serious amounts of bitch slapping. You're not going to be intellectually stimulated by the film (though if you got the XY chromosome you'll be stimulated in another way). Let's make this simple and do the math here.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
So a typical review would be pointless here. So I'm going to just answer the questions you have in your perverted little mind. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.
OK, I know my reviews tend to be long drawn out paragraphs. So for mass consumption intellect, here is a very easy to read Q&A review, one even George W. Bush could understand.
1.) Oh for the love of all that is nipples, just tell me already does any of the hot looking stars in the film get naked???
Sadly, no. Our 3 sexy vixens, Hel (Erin Cummings), Camero (America Olivo) and Trixie, the "Perfect 10" (Julia Voth) keep most of their clothes on (the few they are actually wearing).
In other words, these aren't the nipples you're looking for.
2.) I heard there is serious amounts of lesbianism, women on women sex, lots of boobie groping and even a montage of the 3 splashing water on each other in a climaxing slo mo. So it's a family movie right?
Oh most definitely. Yup, lots of Baywatch slo mo (director Rick Jacobsen is a Baywatch alum) of our trio acting uber slutty with closeups of their yummy parts. This all hits an apex when the 3 have a water fight dumping pails of water on their perfect looking bodies....ummm I'll be right back......
OK I'm back. There's also a hot scene of Trixie and Hel going all L Word on each other. Man oh man, I think I have my new favorite hottie in Julie Voth.
3.) I could just go and surf for porn or even watch some Skinemax for some hot chicks. So why should I watch this shit?
Well, because what porn and Skinemax don't have is serious amounts of bitch slapping and chick on chick violence. Fight choreographer Zoe Bell (from Tarantino's Death Proof) has designed the ultimate kick ass scenes for you to enjoy.
Not since Nada vs Frank in They Live has their been an uber fight scene that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes. And we just don't get one fight, we get 2!
4.) So who' s the big bad in all of this?
Plenty of enemies get the call including Road Warrior reject Hot Wire, his own GoGo Yubari Kinki and a mysterious Keyser Soze ultimate super villain of legend, Pinky.
5.) What the fuck dude? I heard there are a bunch of flashbacks to explain the plot in this. Can you explain because I get dizzy when that happens.
So to get to why they are in the middle of the desert searching for the diamonds, everybody's back story is told in flashbacks ranging from 6 months, to 3 days to 3 weeks. The flashbacks tell how everybody met and are quite the hoot.
Camaro in a convent taking advantage of nuns, Trixie is a stripper who using her assets to get the info she needs and Hel's got some government contacts and isn't who she says she is. Lots of hilarity ensues and its all kooky crazy.
6.) I heard there are a few cameos from people I know. Is Taylor Swift in this and if so, is she naked?
Sorry, I don't want to interrupt but Julie Voth got better boobs then you do. Yup, there are cameos. Kevin Sorbo makes a cameo as does Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. If you watched Xena, Renee O'Connor makes an appearance as well as does Zoe Bell herself.
Also the midget prostitute from Total Recall (I shit you not)
7.) Can you check again if any of the stars got naked in this? C'mon maybe you missed a nipple slip.
Sorry no dude. But America Olivo got naked in Friday the 13th, so go watch that. On second thought, don't.
8.) I heard that the women in this movie are strong, powerful female characters who are not just beautiful but are also intelligent and evoke some feminist message about empowerment. Is this true?
**Wipes drool** Yeah sure. Whatever you say.
9.) So there's a twist right?
Yeah, even a monkey with a computer could figure out this twist.
10.) Is their enough to warrant a sequel so that I can see Julie Voth again?
Yup. Most definitely. We all want that.
If you have anymore questions, leave em in the comments below. Bitch Slap is total mindless B-movie fun. Sure it's like a strip club, all tease but no show (or touching in a sense) but it is very arousing and very stimulating.
Lots of punches to the face, high powered assault rifles, yo-yo's with razors attached to them and solid bitch slapping. It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on.
But the thing about Bitch Slap is it actually feels like its a better quality of Skinemax. The 3 stars are decent actresses and make the laughable movie into something actually tolerable.
The best way to describe it is when your skimming through a copy of Maxim sometimes there's an article on some ex Green Beret special ops guy who killed like an army all by himself and you stop looking at the pics to read the article. Good article, awesome pictures.
Gratuitous slo-mo water fight....Yes!
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Bitch Slap had a limited run in the theaters and comes out on DVD March 2. It's one of those movies that the trailer made look so freakin awesome. Does it live up to the hype? Sorta. I mean it's got the best cleavage closeups I've seen in a while. Remember dude.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
I never heard of Jeremiah Kipp until he sent over a link to his latest short Contact. But a quick search on his name and his career comes into clear view on the interweb. So never turning a deaf ear on the indie scene, I watched the short (and you can view here).
the jaded viewer says: Simply, its a story about a couple (a black dude who look like Andre 3000 and a white woman) who score some crack, get naked and smoke it. But it's done a little more avante garde than that.
Entirely in black and white, the film I thought was a silent short until somebody spoke and seems to echo a message that drugs are indeed a virus that can break up the family mold.
It's shot nicely, the establishing scenes are very dark but with light filtering in. The naked drug use gives way to some surrealistic kissing hallucinations that were top notch.
Contact is a dream that seems like a nightmare but we don't know which is true. Not sure what the message is, but for a 10 minute short, it's going to make you think twice on doing hard drugs. Just say No, but say yes to this short.
I'm not going to lie. I got caught up in the hype for Adam Green's new movie Frozen. I absolutely loved Hatchet, dug Spiral and have enjoyed all the ArieScope shorts (including some awesome Halloween themed shorts). So suffice it to say, I am a big fan of Green and his work.
So my bias had me giving this movie 4 spinkicks even before I saw it. But I realized I needed to review this flick with some sort of objectivity and so as I watched, that 4 spinkicks would be modified as the flick went along.
OK, so with my prejudice out of the way, what did I think of Frozen?
I absolutely loved the premise of what would you do if you were trapped on a ski lift and there was no hope of rescue. I had a few coworkers watch the trailer and we all came up with theories. Some of them would sit and wait for help, others would go all MacGyver and work out a way to get down.
The movie shows some of these theories play out and a few others that seem quite preposterous. Like the movie its ultimately compared to, Open Water (a movie I also thought was average at best) the best part of the movie is not seeing the suffering or the panic on the faces of our would be survivors, it's coming up with ways we think we could survive the same ordeal.
It's a mixed bag of nuts for me. I liked the premise, the escape attempts and *gasp* even the characters. What I didn't like were the other obstacles that nature threw their way that seemed outright ridiculous.
So for this review (as I try to be non spoiler-ish), I've come up with my own rules of how to survive being on a ski lift without the hope of rescue.
Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.
How to Survive Being Stuck on A Ski Lift 1.) Have your cell phone at all times (and make sure it's got coverage at the ski resort!)
Sure you don't want to break your phone while snowboarding or skiing but it sure would be a good idea when your stuck on a ski lift. Hell, even if it doesn't work you can play MindSweeper while you wait to die.
2.) Have interesting stories to talk about while waiting for that eventual, slow painful death
So if you've been stuck in a winter storm, our main characters are as follows:
Dan (college X-Gamer who plays Rational Guy)
Parker (his GF who plays Panic Girl)
Lynch (Dan's BFF who plays Hero Guy)
The one thing about Frozen is the characters feel real. None of them seem like hipster douchebags who you want to die. I actually felt sympathy and was pulling for all of them to survive (especially Lynch who is the stereotypical stoner but comes out instead as a dude you wanna have a beer with)
Adam Green made Frozen quick and probably in budget but he has pretty much one setting for 80% of the movie. 3 people on a ski lift. So how in the world do you get people to tolerate such a thing for an hour or so?
You really need them to talk about themselves and tell stories that are interesting to the audience. And Lynch does this well (he talks about meeting Dan, awesome cereals, his lost love and celebrities he would do). The others, Parker and Dan are in relationship mode and console each other. But Lynch makes all the difference as he's the Shaun White guy with the funny one liners.
One scene that had me squirming was the eventual death of one of the 3. Two characters only looked at each other as a slaughter occurred. Very good Adam Green stuff on this. Kudos.
3.) Bring various objects that can be MacGyver-ed into a device that can be made into something that can aide in your escape (and also gum)
So our 3 X-gamers don't have ski lift tix but fandangle their way via the ski lift operator for one last run. But circumstances work out perfectly, that this dude and dudes "forget" about them (they are probably gonna be charged with manslaughter at the end of the day)
But in the meantime, our group of 3 are hungry, they are having urination issues and are cold as fuck. Night is approaching and its time to think of ways of escaping these freezer box torture. If they had brought a hanger, a bungee cord, a Phillips head screwdriver and some gum, they could have easily created a device to get them down.
So how does one get down from a ski lift?
Here are some of my outrageous theories (some of them are even plausible!)
Use one of the ski poles to slide down on the wire where the lifts are attached
Use your clothing and various snow equipment to make a rope and lower yourself down
Jump to a nearby tree to break your fall
Use the cushion your sitting on and jump off with that to break your fall
Of course the movie plays out the worst of the ideas and that's where it shines. Seeing the gruesomeness and consequences of these escape attempts even got me, the jaded viewer, a little squeamish. I winced quite a few times which goes to show you how the movie is effective in this way.
The movie is very realistic in what happens when you try to do the impossible. Nobody here is going to the Winter Olympics and they are all amateurs in survival. I really liked this about Frozen and it doesn't skim on the gore factor. You're gonna get hurt and it's going to hurt like fuckin crazy. 4.) Bring some Chapstick and a portable heater
So the effects of a prolonged cold are going to wreak havoc on the human body. Frostbite is the main adversary in the battle vs the winter. Frozen does do a great job of illustrating the evolution of it on the human body (and for us gorehounds, more so gratuitously).
5.) Bring Samurai Swords, a flamethrower and a high powered assault rifle (to scare any woodland creatures away)
The movie was at a high 3 spinkicks for me until we got some nature vs man moments inserted into the flick.
**!!!!!!SPOILERS!!!!!** (sorry can't help it)
The wolves were a bit overkill on here. I can believe sharks in Open Water but wolves at a ski resort? Sure, that could happen but where are the wolves when the ski resort is opened? I'm no Animal Planet expert but these wolves are like an LA street gang. I mean our crew is only in their territory a short time and the wolves are performing drive by mauls.
This is indeed the WTF moment of the film and for me it's not a very good Big Bad and destroys the realisticness of the movie. The mega cold, blizzard conditions, frostbite and human error are all things that COULD happen but the wolves were overkill in my opinion.
Frozen ends a little differently than I would have wanted it to and for that another spinkick gets knocked down. Sure we've gotten a few survivor stories (many unbelievable from the Haiti earthquake) but more so, it's more probable that there are more sad endings than happy.
All in all Frozen is a slightly above average film that delivers the goods and the reactions of what people would do if the worst case scenario happened to them. I applaud Adam Green for taking a very obvious question and extending it to a movie that has some solid suspense, some shiverish moments and ample amounts of gore.
Frozen is a survival movie where nature attacks from all sides. But its our will to survive that usually ends in our downfall. Go see it and decide what you would do if that were you up on the ski lift is sub zero temperatures. Because what you think might work, doesn't.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Indie Horror has to be supported so if Frozen is playing in your neighborhood, please go see it. Here is the link to the cities it's playing at. Right now, the movie is got people leaning in the middle. Some absolutely love the movie, others thought it was dribble.
I fall on neither extreme side. I loved some parts of it and others I felt were too goofy and unrealistic. But that won't stop me from telling you to see Frozen to see why everybody has such a diverse opinion about it.
Now I'm going to make me some hot chocolate. It's cold outside.