a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, indie, asian, exploitation films and haunted houses
Friday, January 29, 2010
Live Tweeting while watching the worst of torture porn: Train (Review)
First the plot.................
In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride
OK here was my live tweet transcript from yesterday. Follow me Twitter for more upcoming live tweets of terribly bad flicks.
jadedviewerOk I'm starting my live tweet of train....supposedly the worst torture porn flick ever....if you miss this...ill post it on the site tom#jvtrain
jadedviewerWell opening scene they just deskinned somebody ala martyrs...on a train! Whatta surprise #jvtrain jadedviewerThora birch is looking oldish and she's on an american wrestling team? And they are in bratislava! E europe is like the w virginia of europe #jvtrain jadedviewerThora birch gave 2 creepy guys her passport...didn't she see hostel? #jvtrain
If you walk into any mom and pop video store, you'll see the same layout in each one. The action flicks are next to the sci-fi movies, which are next to the horror movies. And what's next to the horror movies? Yup, saloon style doors with bells on them signaling the entrance to the porn section.
Porn and horror are like a fat man is with a Big Mac. They go hand in hand.
So what happens when you mix horror with porn? You get Shane Ryan's Amateur Porn Star Killer movies. These trilogy of films aren't like Zombie Strippers where porn actors and actresses show some skin and die a gruesome death. It's not even having Sasha Grey in your flick. Nope the APK movies are serial killer, shot on video diaries where he lures girls, has sex with them (with full frontal penetration, BJ's and the rest) then kills them for his own delusional happiness.
Now that's blending the genres together. I unfortunately have seen the 2 other flicks in this trilogy. After reviewing Part 2, I went back and saw Part 1 (well you know for research purposes only) and they both sucked (...literally). I don't think I'll see Part 3 but that's why I'm posting this trailer.
The two camps of Shane Ryan's work are split. Some say he's a mad genius having perfected this subgenre.
Here's some PRO APK quotes:
"...AMATEUR PORN STAR KILLER 3 makes films like SAW and HOSTEL look like Disney films."
All other sites and blogs basically say these flicks are unwatchable pieces of garbage. But the fact that I am TALKING about this and I've warranted a post about his flicks says something. Like porn itself, there are different fetishes and types of pornography (and all of them are a Google search away to view for your perverted enjoyment).
So if we can have midget transsexual porn or 2 girls 1 cup porn, there is enough room for amateur porn star killer porn. It's highly amazing that he's made 3 of these flicks. Who actually watches these flicks when porn is plentiful and free on the interweb?
Hmm could it be because there is a horror aspect to it? That's why gratuitous sex scenes are in horror movies. Because somehow we want to see death when we are our most vulnerable. You can read into that all you want, find the subtext or some shit, but its true. It's like the fear of dying when we're asleep...we can't see it coming.
Horror and porn are very distinct in their goals. Horror poses to scare the shit out of you and make you see something cruel and disturbing. Porn is designed to make you aroused. These are two emotions that somehow are not designed to coexist at the same time. I'm just saying.
But more to the point, is horror porn a fad or will it become a mainstay in the various subgenres of horror.
Such with the August Underground films, new sub genres of horror are peeking into the horror consciousness. Some I've noticed are:
Serial Killer porn horror
Animal cruelty horror
The "lets kidnap a girl and threaten to kill her" pseudo snuff film
Religious iconography parody horror movies (eg. Jesus Christ: Serial Killer)
Incest horror (I've actually seen c/o of Corey Udler's Incest Death Squad which incidentally has a quote from this site on the cover)
In any case, you decide if these are fringes of horror or will we be seeing more of this stuff. I've posted the trailer to the 3rd APK movie below.
Well I nominated my own blog of course. Why wouldn't I nominate myself? This be America, where if we ever had a zombie apocalypse, I'd be the first one hording the gas. But to be fair, a few other awesome bloggers nominated the site as well. Nods for the jaded viewer came from Planet of Terror and The Horror Effect.
So it's awesome to be nominated from a major horror site like Bloody Disgusting. 60 other blogs were nominated too. 60!?!!? That's a hell of a fuckin lot of blogs. But those blogs are all top notch horror men and women who know their shit. Whoever wins, it's all good.
Hmm how the hell can I rig this? Oops...damn you inner thought bubble!! Well, looks like I'm going to have to plead, beg and buy your votes. So how can I convince you to vote for me?
If this is the first time you've visited here, this is what the jaded viewer is all about:
My rating is based on Jean Claude Van Damme spinkicks!
I rarely post any mainstream news on here but I gotta say, after seeing the trailer for The Dead, I got flashbacks of Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2. Damn this looks awesome. I thought the zombie film was a shotgun to the head away from dying, but I might be wrong.
I'm not too excited about George A. Romero's Survival of the Dead as the early exit interviews have been ripe with "ugh" and "WTF". But The Dead, directed by the Ford Bros. looks like a zombie classic waiting to happen.
After crashing off the coast, Lt Brian Murphy battles for survival across the vast terrains of Africa in search for a way to get back to his beloved family. Joined by local military man Daniel Dembele who is also searching for his son, together both men join forces all the while battling against the ever present threat of the living dead! the jaded viewer says: African zombies!!! Head shots! Slow moving zombies! An American soldier on the run. Damn this sounds like Resident Evil 4! OMG! It is!
I didn't really expect a good movie as I popped OneChanbara into my DVD player but I mean the cover has a girl with samurai swords, a cowboy hat and she's wearing a bikini. Least this could have been was Japanese Skinemax.
But it turns out OneChanbara, which is based on a PS2/Xbox game wasn't a Versus like zombie movie or Japanese hentai. It turned out to be some low end, cash in video game movie that was probably directed by the Japanese Uwe Boll.
So who is this girl on the cover? Her name is Aya, some mystical assassin with kick ass sword skills that by pressing "X" alot with "square" enables her to slaughter the attacking zombie hordes. She's got a fat fuck Japanese guy with her that plays as comic relief and Reiko, a shot gun toting zombie renegade.
Mission wise, they go from setting to setting killing zombies until they reach Dr. Sugita and his protege Saki (who is Aya's sister). Various hadoukens later, she kills her sister and they ride into the zombie filled sunset.
The girl on the cover was mute for most of the movie and oddly wasn't hot as I thought she was gonna be. Also, you've got your standard Sailor Moon schoolgirl outfits, zombies who use weapons and various goofy CGI.
I haven't seen a good Japanese zombie in a while and had low expectations for this but I'm eager to get our next good Japanese zombie movie. You listening Japan? Get to it.
Here's the trailer.
Wow these video game trailers have more skin than the movie....
So yes, it took me about 3 months to read a book. Well it was 400 pages so it was kind a long. But I'm glad I finished it. It's what you call a blockbuster action book. Pure Reading Rainbow, out of this world escapism at its best.
Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan co-wrote a solid novel, that easily reads from page to page and is filled with haunting visuals, NYC under attack from a deadly plague of vampirism and characters that are very real and very relatable.
The story is classic vamp noir. A plane lands in NYC unknown to the public that the Master, an ancient rogue vampire has set foot in NYC and unleashed the deadliest strain of a disease that has no cure. The vampires described are the non sparkly kind. Very reminiscent of the "Reapers" in Del Toro's Blade 2, they are demon-ish, their organs and innards become all squishy and reconfigured and they have "satin red eyes" and mandible mouths with stingers.
Bent on stopping this new undead army is Dr. Ephraim Goodweather of the CDC, his partner Nora and a mysterious old man named Abraham Setrakian who knows more about the Master and the upcoming plague.
It's a very Blade-like story, but I think the elements of the book that shined for me were the detailed passages about how individual New Yorkers experienced, coped and survived the outbreak. The back story of Setrakian is also compelling as is the family dynamic of Eph. But being a born and bred New Yorker, the descriptions of NYC are dead on. From Queens to Brooklyn to the Bronx, each description of the city were 100% accurate.
The Strain is the first of a trilogy, with The Fall due out this year and The Night External as the last chapter. If your looking to escape those sparkly vamps, priest vamps, tween vamps and vampires that may or may not be gay, then get infected by The Strain.
par·kour n. (park-joor') An activity in which the participant movies quickly and fluidly, by surmounting obstacles such as walls and railings and leaping across open spaces.
Not going to write a long review here. I recently picked this flick up at a cheap DVD store and with the pending US DVD and theatrical release upcoming, I'd thought I'd share my thoughts.
When I first saw the original District 13 I ranked it #9 on my top 10 movies of 2006. Back then I had only scene glimpses of free running and parkour on YouTube, I was to say the least intrigued. The guys who created parkour David Belle (who stars in this D13) and Sébastien Foucan (he was recently in The Tournament) have turned into action stars and the original was outright fuckin awesome.
Parkour moves are a thrill to watch. Seeing dudes jump from tall buildings is outright fascinating. And to see dudes effortlessly jump in and out of tight spots and maneuver from angles and heights that would scare Evil Knievel is freakin fun.
As for the movie, following the story of the original, France is still divided into districts, each with their own racial gang. You got your I-talians, Blacks, Asians and Arabs. When the corrupt police plan to destroy District 13, its up to Belle and fellow traceur Cyril Raffaelli (he plays the super cop) to kick ass, parkour away from inept French police and unite the gangs to save their beloved home.
All in all, a good solid action flick filled with humor, uber action porn and the best traceurs (parkour performers) the discipline has to offer. Be sure to check out the original before you see this (as its actually better). Parkour!
Check out the trailer below.
Here is the trailer of the original movie.
And finally here is one of the first American parkour videos I ever saw. Pretty awesome.
Look at that. That's not a typo. This film was actually directed by Joel Schumacher. So 75% chance this is gonna suck. I mean this is the man who gave us Batman nipples. I think the only flick I liked of his was 8mm.
But I digress. Lion's Gate poops out horror movies into the dollar bin every year, sometimes they give low budget theaters a chance to screen their horror line. They did the same thing with Midnight Meat Train, a film that deserved a chance to be pushed mainstream and to be seen because it was awesome.
Well what we got here is a Lions Gate clunker that could have easily been on After Dark's Horrorfest lineup. Blood Creek is a very odd flick. It starts out all Martyrs like and then becomes Nazi occult demonology kung fu.
I mean it stars Dominic Purcell. And if your watching a movie with him in it, there is a 100% guarantee he's going to punch somebody in the face.
A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich. Awesome Review-O-Matic
I don't have enough brain power to actually review this movie so I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions that you were gonna ask anyway.
Ummm. Yeah sorta. Supposedly a Nazi officer named Wirth who with orders from Hitler goes to West Virginia (West Virginia has redneck cannibals and Nazi zombies...note to self: NEVER EVER GO TO WEST VIRGINIA) in the 30s to dabble in some occult Nordic rune stones. He entraps a German family and becomes a redneck cannibal.
2.) So what does this have to do with brothers? Are they redneck cannibals too?
I'm going to say nope, they aren't. Seems Vic (Dominic Purcell) went missing on a fishing trip but mysteriously pops up and tells his brother Evan (Henry Cavill) to help him kill a family. Of course he doesn't explain why he wants to slaughter mom, dad, sis and big bro. I mean if you said:
"Bro, we need to kill them because they tortured me in a shipping container and fed me to an undead Nazi officer bent on world domination!"
Would you believe him?
3.) So the brothers and the family are the good guys?
Yup. The family turns out to be good plus they haven't aged since the 30s. The daughter Liese (Emma Booth) knows all about Wirth and his plans for taking over the world because she stole them and went to www.nazioccultforbeginners.com.
4.) So I heard this Wirth guy has rules he has to abide by and he has powers like he can melt your face. I hate fuckin rules in my Nazi occult monster movies. So are there boobies?
Nope. Sorry dude, no boobies of any kind. But as for the rules, poor Wirth has more things he CAN'T do than a freakin vampire. See below.
He can't enter a house with blood rune markings
He can't fight you if your wearing the bones of his ancestors
He can't drink his own blood, it will poison him
As for powers, he's got:
He can reanimate the dead (humans and animals)
He's got killer nails
He can transform and develop a 3rd eye of DOOM!
It's not as awesome as it sounds. Trust me.
5.) Are there horses in this? I love horses, they are such beautiful, peaceful animals. They are so majestic and strong and brave.
Yup, there are horses. In one scene, Vic and Evan shoot a horse to death by riddling it with shotgun shells. They blow chunks of horse meat all over the house. Horses rock.
6.) How's the splatter content? Will I say "Fuck yeah!" in any of the gore scenes?
Gore is solid here. Lots of oozing yellow puss, blood and various excrement. Wirth's Nazi zombie makeup is top notch (as you can see on the cover). 7.) I heard the CGI makes Avatar look like Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. Really?
What planet you on Avator boy? The CGI and visual effects are laughable at best. You could see better effects from the prize out of a Cracker Jack box.
8.) I know the Nazi's stole the Ark of the Covenant and searched for the Holy Grail. So is this based on true events?
Yes it is. Is it time for your meds yet?
9.) So does Dominic Purcell inflict violence in every scene he's in?
You betcha **wink wink**. I mean has there ever been a TV show or film that Dominic Purcell's starred in that he hasn't punched somebody in the face? The man loves punching people in the face. He's so good at it.
10.) Is there a wildly, ambiguous ending that foreshadows a sequel that will never see the light of day?
Yup. Seems other Nazi occult agents were sent all over West Virginia to look up Runes. Here's hoping we send Indiana Jones after them.
There ya have it. That's your Blood Creek FAQ. The fact that I didn't see a creek in this movie is the least of my gripes. There is blood, there is no creek and there is no town. So what is there?
There is one helluva bad movie. WTF moment
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
This came out yesterday on DVD. You may be tempted to rent this, Netflix it or *gasp* even buy this, I implore you...DO NOT! But hell, you may not listen to me and think a Joel Schumacher horror film is worthy of an hour and a half of your time.
Horror Blogging 101 (or what the hell do I write about?)
I've noticed a lot of new bloggers starting their own horror blogs recently. That's good to see. People who are passionate about the horror genre and want to chime in on their thoughts makes this little horror blogosphere better. Joining this horror blogosphere is supe duper awesome. All the people I've talked to, tweeted, e-mailed and left comments for are some of the uber coolest people from across the country and the world. All have a unique style to their writing, some are cleverly Tricks are for Kids hilarious and others come up with theme posts and running gags that never get old.
But starting up a blog is a huge undertaking (ok maybe not, it's pretty much like tweeting but longer).
Anybody can write a blog. Right now, as you're reading this, some 14 year old tween girl wearing black nail polish and listening to Sonic Youth is writing on her Twilight blog and is anxiously waiting for that first comment. (it usually is "FIRST!") In another part of the country, a 38 year old film school dropout just watched Saw VI and wants to share his thoughts so he's registered DiscountJigsawsTraps.blogspot.com.
I don't know the exact figure but shit, I'd say 5,000 people a day start up a blog. Some write 3 posts and forget about it, some write 25 posts a day. But to be effective as a horror blogger, you have to go with a few foolproof generic posts that will get people engaged. I'm here to show you the ropes, give you some tips and tricks of the trade and for only two easy payments of $19.99 make you the next jaded viewer.
(Some of you may be saying...Jeff, why are you qualified to teach ME about horror blogging? Your site SUCKS BALLS and is filled with lists, pictures of horror queens I've never heard of and your reviews are like Bible long. And your taste in horror movies is equivalent to a poor man's Dread Central. Well if you put it that way......you're right. You guys are mean. Fuck, I'm going to watch Avatar again. Oh screw that Mr. or Ms. Horror Bourgeoisie! Yeah my qualifications can be called in to question, but I promise you like a Billy Mays infomercial, you'll find it funny, slightly interesting, very arousing and you'll use what I have to say)
Still interested? OK let's list a few tricks to get you started.
Lesson 1: Picking a name for your blog
Well this is it. The single most important thing you can do is pick a fuckin awesome name for your blog. Remember this is the name that you're going to promote the shit out of. It has to be clever, easy to remember and really works if its 4 words or less (though this can be ignored if your name is really clever like Chuck Norris Ate My Baby). The easiest route is to put "horror" in some form in the name. My suggestion, use a variation of a title of a horror movie or play Scrabble.
For inspiration, check out the blogs to the right.
(Oh yeah, you gotta pick a place to create your blog. I'd suggest Blogger as its already got a built in horror community so you can Follow peeps and easily comment. Wordpress is fine. Their layouts look way nicer than Blahger. Only drawback on Wordpress is you're gonna have to PR the crap out of it)
END TANGENT ALERT!!!
Lesson 2: A post title that LOLs or that can easily offend most of America
OK, now that you got your name, you need to actually write shit. Everybody on the Internet has ADD and usually skims through post titles so you need to either tweet a good subject line or fill it with high levels of vulgarity.
My favorite Ice Cream flavor: Zombie Brains!
Trick R Treat fuckin sucked monkey nards (if you liked this movie you have the IQ of a Triceratops)
Lesson 3: Reviews of mainstream horror movies where you make fun of the audience
OK, its guaranteed that the most reader response will come from horror movies that everybody has seen. It's definitely OK to write a review of Zombieland. People love that movie. It's total water cooler horror. But filling your review with "Bill Murray was awesome!" and "Clown zombie was scary!" is not gonna cut it.
To get people to comment, you now have to make fun of the audience for no apparent reason. Why? Because they won't see it coming! Like a bad M. Knight movie, you'll sucker the reader into a false review read and then make fun of them because they didn't see the twist coming.
I'm writing this totally buck naked.
See! There ya go. Who saw that coming? Fuck, it's kinda chilly in here and even I didn't see that horrible horrible thought in the middle of this lesson.
Who doesn't like jello? It can look like brain matter, jiggles like a pair of D cups and it taste yummy. As a horror blogger, there are a few foolproof things to write about that will get people hyped.
1.) Writing about gore and splatter movies gets people highly excited. Everybody loves a good arterial spraying and decapitation so writing a lot about splatter movies is guaranteed to get people to word verify.
2.) China can't see pornography so they have to rely on you to post nudity in your blog to get their fix. Write about nudity in horror, post pictures of horror hotties and talking about hottest zombie women can only get that hit counter moving.
3.) When you're scraping the bottom of your brain for something to write about, the old reliable horror list is the way to go. Who doesn't like a list? Like some mac and cheese, you can nuke up a list in about 2 minutes. Shit, it don't even have to be a good one.
Lists are like cocaine to horror fans. We're addicted! Look, I'll show you.
Top 3 Japanese Horror Movies where technology tries to kill you
1.) The Ring 2.) One Missed Call 3.) Pulse
See...that list got you as high as Lindsay Lohan at a BYOW party.
Lesson 5: Be a productive member of the horror blogosphere, Comment!
Well this is actually the hardest of all because you have to visit at least a dozen sites and leave your mark. Long, elaborate comments on the other person's blog is good. If you didn't agree with what they wrote, say so. People love defending their work and they will reply to your comment.
Instigate a tsunami of replies by disliking something everybody likes and leaving a comment. They'll all be so intrigued that they'll comment on your blog and if your lucky...send you hate mail.
If you want to be a "good" blogger, leaving a comment praising the article is the way to go. But don't expect it to be regifted.
Well there you have it. This concludes Horror Blogging 101. If I get a lot of people interested in this class, we'll have a 102. OK I see you raising your hands. If you have a question, leave a comment and I will definitely answer it.
[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]
So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)
OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:
It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
Let us delve into these items individually....
A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.
Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.
The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'
Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.
The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).
Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.
Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).
Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.
T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year. WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....
The movie has a clever premise (see below) and had an all star cast and the trailer had shit blowing up, could it live up to the hype?
Fuck yeah it did.
The assassins just don't kill each other, they fuck each other up beyond recognition. In this new age of action flicks (as Rambo illustrated beautifully) it's not just capping yr ass, it's obliterating the enemy. The Tournament is an apex in action porn, where guns are blazing, body counts are mounting and parkour and martial arts are needed to win and be called the greatest assassin ever. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Every 7 years in an unsuspecting town (this time its some town in the UK), The Tournament takes place. A battle royale between 30 of the world’s deadliest assassins. The last man standing receiving the $10,000,000 cash prize and the title of Worlds No 1 (which itself carries the legendary million dollar a bullet price tag). The Tournament is set up by a group of sick high stake billionaires who watch the mayhem unfold via CCTV and bet on its outcome.
I love how I don't have to talk about plot at all in this flick.
Let's look at our players shall we? Here are the notables. Place your bets on who you think will win!
Joshua Harlow (Ving Rhames): Reigning champion he's as bad as Marsellus Wallace and cold blooded as they come. His wife's been killed and he's looking for revenge.
Lai Lai Zheng (Kelly Hu): Lethal assassin from Asia. She doesn't kill the innocents but has her own motivations to win the tourney.
Miles Slade (Ian Somerhalder): Ruthless Texan who is as fucked up as they come. He'll kill women, children and a dog and his shotgun is his weapon of choice
Anton Bogart (Sebastien Foucan): Frenchmen whose got awesome Parkour skills (Foucan invented the damn thing) and he can double gun shoot with the best of em.
Yuri Petrov (Scott Adkins): Demolition expert and all around badass.
Father Joseph MacAvoy (Robert Carlyle): Father Joe gets pulled into the tourney after swallowing a tracking device designed for the assassins. Also he's a drunk and not a very good priest.
25 other assassins that die in an awesome montage
The action scenes are top notch. I mean when a cow airgun is used to blow somebody's head off in the first 5 minutes, I got hooked. And we don't see no off screen BS. Nope, we see Scanners like head explosion. Good times.
The other scenes are pure unfortunate timing kills that are set up cleverly. Hu's Zheng is pure, stereotypical kung fu treachery as she anihilates the other opponents. Foucan's Bogart is a joy to watch as in one scene he parkours after Zheng whose driving a police car with Father Joe in tow. But probably the bloodiest and sickest of all the scenes is when half a dozen or so of the assassins converge at a titty bar and all hell breaks loose.
The surprise here is Somerhalder's Slade who is utterly evil. He didn't just kill the other assassins but murders a bunch of innocent bystanders and some lovely well figured strippers. Look at what the Island did to him! A pure gun battle that was an outright orgy of unrelenting violence. Sliced arms, fingers and decaps. All over the top, slightly cartoony and Grand Theft auto bloody. If you don't like the video game violence, go play some Wii.
With the assassins all having 24 hours to kill each other before their tracking devices turn them into human grenades, we see some good matchups of our notables. Zheng vs Bogart, Zheng vs Petrov, Zheng vs Slade and Zheng vs Harlow. Inserted is also a montage of assassin on assassin violence so we can get the count to 2.
As this all happens, Powers is the man who orchestrates this tournament so a group of diverse rich guys can bet on the action. Some subplot is thrown in with something about Powers and Harlow but it really isn't important. What you should know is this. The Tournament is zany, double barrel funness with never ending action. Sure there's some conversations, but that's like set up to get to the action scenes. In its 90 minutes, it lives up to its premise of what would happen when 30 assassins destroy a small little town. If you've played Call of Duty, MWF2 or Grand Theft Auto multi player you know what to expect. I've never seen a movie where video game violence is excellently captured in a film.
Well now I have.
I placed my bets on Zheng because I actually met Kelly Hu at a Chiller convention in Jersey. She was really nice and signed my cover of Maxim. Plus she was super hot. Did I win? Her odds were 25:1. Harlow's was 2:1. What do you think?
Head explosions Body explosions Shotgun blast carnage Finger decaps Hand decaps Bullet wound carnage All sorts of assassin on assassin violence
Is this the flick we see Kelly Hu naked? Nope sorry, these aren't the boobs your looking for. Stripper boobage
Miles Slade's last stand
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I thoroughly enjoyed The Tournament. It's a movie where you don't have to think, you gasp in awe of the awesome carnage and you commend a movie that takes a clever premise and takes it to the extreme. It's action porn at its finest. I am so happy to see a film that went no holds barred and jacked it up. My only gripes were the Father Joe storyline (where he's an innocent caught up in the chaos), Rhames being Rhames and the ending. It's a little convoluted at times where they could have cut out some of this waste.
But all in all, a solid flick and you won't be disappointed. Here's hoping we don't have to wait 7 years for another Tournament to take place.
Her Horror/SciFi Resume: TV Series Angel, The Chronicles of Riddick, The Mist, Clash of the Titans
Other Notable Films: Defiance
The Jaded Viewer says: My first glimpse of Alexa Davalos was on Angel where she played the hottie electroshock vixen with a heart Gwen Raiden. She also appeared with Vin "I grunt alot" Diesel in The Chronicles of Riddick. Her only horror movie was The Mist.
I think she's gonna jump all mainstreamy when she appears as Andromeda in Clash of the Titans. Before she becomes farthest from a forgotten hottie, here are some pics below for you to enjoy her yumminess.
Must be a wind tunnel near by
I try to look hot even in a post apocalyptic world
According to the rules I can only give this to 2 other horror bloggers. Also once you get it you can't pass it on. The infection stops HERE so as to quarantine this new awards strain. Well ahhhh chooooooo! You're infected........
So on a cold, frigid day last week I went to see the overly hyped, groundbreaking behemoth that is Avatar. What can you say that hasn't been said already? I dug the Real D awesomeness but the story was equivalent to a high school film club pitching potential Star Trek episode ideas.
Insano Steve said it best. It's the same rehashed story they use for every other movie. Dumb, stoopid guy has to join group and learn their ways. Meets girl. Likes girl. Gets in fight with girl's pseudo BF (he's a douche) and pseudo BF makes fun of guy. Girl sees this. He wins girl. Big fight ensues. He has to choose old culture or new culture. He chooses new culture. The End.
But damn those effects are spec-fuckin-tacular. So without further ado, it's the WTF list: Avatar Edition! Spoilers Ahoy.
1.) Really? 5 3D previews in a row? Jeezus...those piranhas look fake 2.) I haven't even put on my Real D glasses and I have a headache already 3.) Well, color me impressed. The virtual displays look holodecky 4.) Damn, these be tall motherfuckers 5.) Have we not learned from our mistakes? Guess not. USA! USA! USA! 6.) I am mesmerized by colorful, spinning bugs 7.) Dude! I see Na'vi boobage! 8.) So are there like Samoan, fat Na'vi? 9.) This is reminding me of the time Sigourney Weaver tried saving Gorillas in the Mist 10.) These rhino-elephant creatures are very awe-ish. So is the rainbow plant life. 11.) Giovanni Ribisi is the best overacting actor of our generation 12.) Dude, it's like Top Gun but with dragony creatures. Maverick this is Goose... 13.) Holy Shit! They gonna do it!!! They gonna hook up their tentacles, use a condom bro 14.) The whole Native American angle is a bit overused...couldn't we just give them some whiskey and wait a few generations (oh snap! He just didn't say that) 15.) Ewoks vs Empire all over again...and yet somehow we all believe this is plausible 16.) Great job USA, you blew up a tree. Pat yourself on the back. 17.) So is Jake Sully....Obama or am I reading too much in to this. You the chosen one! 18.) Well this be my first 3D action flick and I'm loving every minute of it 19.) Damn, America can't even win a war in a movie, we suck 20.) I now have a slight headache but I'll admit Avatar is very breathtaking visually
21.) FYI. Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top is visually yumminess
If I have to give this a spinkick rating it be 3. I mean the last 3D flick I saw was My Bloody Valentine and the gimmick use of this format in that flick was slightly entertaining.
But James Cameron seems like the guy to be the chosen one to lead us into this new tech. I mean he made tall, blue smurfs look and feel "real". And you gotta give him his props. But that's the thing. Even the Star Wars fans know Lucas can't write or pen any sensible dialogue and Cameron seems to suffer from "Dialogue and plot may be regurgitated but this shit be in 3D!".
Avatar is simply visual eye candy that has pushed the envelope that we will now all be watching movies in funny sunglasses for the foreseeable future. Sigh.
Awards are like gremlins, just add water to get more of em!
Well it looks like awards mania isn't done yet. It's like that damn H1N1, spreading like a 3rd graders toy collection. Well color me infected because I've gotten 2 more awards from some super awesome bloggers.
The only way to say thank you is by remaking 2 Girls, 1 Cup in 3D and starring Lindsay Lohan as "the cup". But if Jack Palance were alive today, he's say "Fuck you! Shit taste good"
So thanks Jayson at the Basement of Ghoulish Decadence for this award and I hope to one day tell James Cameron that this is the next evolution of 3D and he's guaranteed to make at least $3 from this epic viral video.
If you've been an avid reader of this blog, you know I've been reviewing Dollhouse for UGO.com. Well that's sadly coming to a close as the series is down to 2 more episodes after this one. It's funny that now, Dollhouse is getting uber awesome, packing in characters that I adore and plot twists that have you scratching your head and high fiving at the same time, its all coming to an end. I NEED MY WHEDON!!! HE IS MY MASTER NOW!!
So over the next few weeks, I'm going in depth-y and will splurge my thoughts, theories and overall excitement for Dollhouse.
Seems I have to follow some rules for the Kreativ Blogger Award and return the favor. They are as follows:
1.) Thank the person who nominated you for this award. 2.) Copy the logo and place it on your blog. 3.) Link to the person who nominated you for this award. 4.) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. 5.) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers. 6.) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. 7.) Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated
OK here we go.....
4.) Well this should be educational.
I was a college radio station DJ for 3 years and would play punk rock and talk about myself in the 3rd person. I even got a cult following of tweens from a small upstate NY town.
I was walking in the East Village in NYC and almost stepped on Famke Janssen's dog
I worked at a video store while in college and worked in its "adult" section. I can now no longer look at porn the same way again.
Years ago, Insano Steve and I drove to at least 5 different video stores across a hundred miles looking for Cannibal Ferox (we eventually found it in a video store next to a farm)
I work for a video game/movie website doing tech related stuff
I love Man vs Food and competitive eating
I am a die hard Mets fan, bleeding orange and blue
5.) Well it seems the blogs I want to nominate have already been nominated. So I'm just gonna give my thoughts on how I feel about everybodys blog....screw the rules!
All Things Horror: Mike and Chris's opinions are always dead on and in sync with mine. One day I want to go to one of their screenings!
Basement of Ghoulish Decadence: Jayson's got a awesome collection and he shares them with all of us. Solid blog and eerily we got the same taste in flicks
Chuck Norris Ate My Baby: Matt can kill two stones with one bird. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a CNAMBtatorship. Dollar Bin Horror: From my little quote: Dollar Bin Horror digs into the used bin of films and books that have gone the way of the dinosaur, repackages them into small morsels of insightful funnyness and keeps you posted on all things horror. And it's free to read! Entertaining Evil: Rene spews his venom at all things pop culture. Dude curses more than me.
Freddy in Space: We all know Johnny and FIS. I gather horror inspiration every time I read his posts.
Full Moon Reviews: Fred's reviews are hil-freakin-larious. His Things I Learned from... are clever and creative. Good times.
Horror Dose: The rookie on the block. Chris's blog is right up my alley, short and to the point.
The Horror Digest: Andre's "Way to Go Moments..." keep making me comeback to the site over and over again. One of the best in the business.