Tuesday, June 30, 2009

No Right Turn (Review)

No Right Turn

No Right Turn (2009)

Directed by David Noel Bourke

Every now and then we here at the jaded viewer take a break from reviewing the horror and grindhouse and delve into the indie scene. Why? Because indie movies from every country are where filmmakers still bring creativity to cinema.

And the indie spirit is where you can find a movie like No Right Turn, a full fledge fairy tale pulp crime thriller that can only be described as eclectically unique and darkly comedic.

You'll get the feeling somebody's been eating your porridge and sleeping in your bed.

Well this is my first review of a David Bourke movie. I did not see his previous effort Last Exit so I'm coming in fresh on his work. I've never seen anybody blend pulp crimeyness, film noir and fantasy all together. Does this soup of genres work? You better believe it does.

No Right Turn is like a stage play come to life, depicting the seediness of Denmark's underworld and relying on four characters that pull us into the mystery filled with twisty twizzlers and shady betrayal.

What made this work so well? Let's explore.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Nina is the voluptuously alluring girlfriend of Johnny, a charming but delusional crook.
To escape from her weary life she casually sleeps with an old friend, Teddy, but is fed up of her current lifestyle especially the drunken dreams of Johnny. One night after an argument with Johnny, she storms home where she is abducted by a pair of thugs and is fortunately rescued by a timid and guilt-ridden girl, Monella.

Even though they are from two very different worlds, they quickly become close friends and sooth each other lives.

Johnny hearing about Nina's ordeal with the thugs, sadly attempts to win her heart back by going on a crazy revenge spree.This scares Nina off even more. Nina eventually tells Monella of her ploy of escaping from Johnny’s seedy world by conspiring to steal his much talked about hidden stash, stored in a safety deposit box deep in the neon city.

Monella reluctantly agrees to help...

...and we follow each of their dangerously entangled lives until their ultimate and bloody fate.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

No Right Turn slaps your senses right from the start. From the opening scene of Nina pleasuring a character straight out of a Coen Bros. movie Teddy, we're in for a jam packed grimy world that you will feel dirty after viewing. What drives this film in the beginning is the characters and for the first hour we get to explore their characterologies to a level where we have to be comfortable with so that when we get into plot mode (which we finally get to in the last 30 min), we can see the motives all spinning out of control.

First, we get Nina (Laura Bach) a blonde, hot vixen who wants to be an actress. She's multifaceted in more ways than one. More likely than not she is the town whore as we find out later but her ever changing hair colors and lesbian inklings are devishly sexy. It's Uma from Pulp Fiction, but nastier. She's the angel that fell from the heavens but ended up with Johnny.

Johnny (Tao Hildebrand) is Mr. Asshole Junkie. A drug dealer by trade, a junkie by hobby. He's our Mr. to the Mrs. that is Nina. Johnny works for Pedro our big drug czar. For now, Johnny is our "pizza" delivery guy delivering but he's aspiring for bigger things. Johnny's days go like this.

1.) Bang Nina
2.) Drink and smoke
3.) Deliver drugs
4.) Sniff coke
5.) Bang Nina (ever harder)
6.) Drink and smoke
Repeat 5 times.

He's a slimy dimebag of a dude that if you make him mad, he'll fuck you up.

One of Johnny's customers is Teddy, a John Waters looking chap who is a writer and pseudo engineer. Teddy is quirky times infinity, doing his drugs and smoking like a chimney (that's on fire). An odd cat, he's wrapped in secrecy that will be revealed toward the end.

Wrapping up our quartet is Monella. Her introduction is somewhat Irreversible but with a beatdown. After Johnny gives a drunk tirade to a some patrons at his local bar, the patrons decide to go out for some old fashioned raping in a dark alley.

Poor Nina ends up being the victim but is saved by Monella. They then proceed to have a very Wachowski's Bound like relationship. Monella, her mother having past away is a suicidal painter. The two go all Ying and Yang and go all lesbian grunting. Good times.

Like I said, the first hour establishes each of these characters. At times I got bored of seeing repetitive smoking and drinking. It wasn't until we see the Nin-nella relationship did I feel like I got some worthiness of my time. This was best illustrated in a scene where both women are playing darts and Nina tells off a man hitting on her. Cue lesbian love scene.

The plot kicks in on the last 40 or so minutes as Nina's proposed heist with Monella's help ensues. It's filled with twizzler twists to keep you on your toes, even going all fantastical in the last 10. I'm still scratching my head.

What's the goodyness in No Right Turn? The characters are never boring, more so cardboard cutouts of pulp. A junkie drug dealer, a sexy siren, a innocent ordinary and a quirky 50s wannabe writer. The comparisons to Bound are hard to ignore. Nina and Monella's sassy relationship has that same Gina Gerson-Meg Tilly feel with Joey Pants as the Johnny type. NRT can be described as Bound's cousin once removed.

The visuals are shot remarkabely well for an indie. From snowy hills to Johnny and Nina's loft apartment are very top notch. Even the film quality makes this feel IFC-ish.

What's the baddyness in No Right Turn? Well it's the fact that the first 60 minutes has no plot whatsoever. Part of a mystery is to get the audience hooked and I had to wait a whole hour for that.

The first hour was also filled with scenes to promote the soundtrack. It almost looked like a music video. The characters are not doing anything special and after seeing Johnny drink, smoke, snort for the 20th time, I was wondering if anything from the trailer was ever going to happen. The scenes are so disjointed going to character to character. It's almost if you could have skipped the first hour and still understood the movie.

Even with my gripes, I enjoyed No Right Turn for what it was. A fantastical pulpy mixture with a dash of crime gone awry. The fantastical twist in a pulp fiction cocktail is completely different from anything I've seen before. And that's the beauty of independent film. You can do that and let the audience decide if it worked.

Thank goodness it worked.

Gore-ipedia

Some shot off fingers
Bloody nose


Nude-ipedia


Grade B boobies from Nina


WTF moment


The ending ending...I'm still going huh?

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a crime fairy tale movie from Denmark! I was able to watch this from DVD screener from Mr. Bourke (thanks!). No Right Turn should be on the festival circuit soon, no word yet on any distribution.

You can check out the official site here. And yes the MySpace page. And yes the Facebook page as well.

Also, a collection of awesome pulp posters were made (like the one from above) which you can check out here.

If you get a chance to see No Right Turn, you won't be disappointed.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.






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Monday, June 29, 2009

Reviews of Movies that Sucked

Why do I watch movies I know suck? Well, first off because all these movies were free DVDs I got from work. Secondly, some seemed they may actually be MST3K worthy. Finally, some of these flicks had pseudo horror stars in them.

So in the posts below are reviews for Killing Ariel, Against the Dark, Black Swarm and Legend of the Bog.

In any case, I figure these reviews are more of warnings to avoid these films at all costs. These reviews will be short and savagely brutal. Fuck em. They don't deserve real in depthyness.

DO NOT WATCH ANY OF THESE MOVIES!!!

I've done my civic duty to the horror community. You're welcome.

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Against the Dark (Review)

Against the Dark

Against the Dark (2009)

Directed by Richard Crudo

OMG I'm reviewing the anti-Van Damme!! It's Steven "I have no other facial emotions" Seagal!!

Think of Against the Dark as the poor, bastard cousin of I am Legend. It's like 28 Days Later but with horrible acting, reusable vampire stuntmen and stuntwomen and Seagal barely lifting his sword in any action scenes.

Seems a virus has hit the entire fuckin planet and everybody who gets infected becomes all vampiry and gets a taste for blood and zombie mutilation.

The survivors all end up in an abandoned hospital and like a side scroller level game, they have to make their way to the exit or be mushroomed cloud by the Army. The flick just has random encounters with the infected who get easily slaughtered by the rogue hunters led by an overweight, barely audible Seagal. The survivors are just a bunch of white people who you know will become easy fodder for the mass of vampires.

Action scenes are barely action scenes and any level of tension is like watching an infomercial. This is the movie where Seagal said fuck it. Where's my paycheck?

Rating:
1/2 a

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Legend of the Bog (Review)

Legend of the Bog

Legend of the Bog (2009)

Directed by Brendan Foley

Wow this was just terri-awful. Just outright fuckin dumb. Everything about this movie made me want to kick myself in the groin, rip out my eyeballs and ramble obscenities at my TV for having watched this atrocity on film.

Random tourists (Americans and Irish and Brits folks) and some archeologist with a blonde hottie (Nora-Jane Noone who was in The Descent) converge on a cabin in the woods in Ireland. Yada yada yada they meet up with a hunter played by Vinnie fuckin Jones.

Seems like their is some sort of legend about bog bodies and these bodies come to life and look like Kane from the WWE.

Let me say this. I've never seen a bog. Seems like a puddle of muddy water to me. How you can possibly a justify a movie about bog bodies coming to life is unfuckinbelievable. This flick is 90 minutes of annoying people doing dumb shit.

Even Vinnie Jones was outright shitty in this.

Nothing redeemable in this flick. No nudity, no gore, no splatter, no suspense. Nada. Legend of the Bog is one of those flicks you'll see at the $5 DVD bin at Walmart where you may be tempted to buy it. DON'T!!!!!

0 Spinkicks

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Black Swarm (Review)

Black Swarm

Black Swarm (2007)

Directed by David Winning

It's a Sci Fi monster movie of the week!

You know how these movies go. Innocent family moves to suburbia, encounters local community, meets a member of the opposite sex and then killer insects try to kill them all.

I'm not going to say this was completely awful but it was in the vicinity of crappiness. I mean I'm all for watching killer, mutant wasps savagely stinging the shit out of helpless suburbans but my main problem was the wasps just seem like a bunch of pussies.

At least in the other Sci Fi movies, those killer monster animals are fuckin savage. These wasps don't have any creativity in them. All they came up with were sudden attacks in a house or an attack in the farmland which is lame. These motherfuckin wasps should be attacking teenagers while they are having sex. Or better yet stinging in unison some newborn or some 105 yr old grandma whose bolting on her walker.

And Robert England plays the Doc Brown crazy, wild eyed scientist who may or may not be evil.

What a waste of an England performance.

Killer wasps are no motherfuckin snakes on a plane.

Rating:
1/2 a

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Killing Ariel (Review)

Killing Ariel

Killing Ariel (2008)

Directed by Fred Calvert & David Negron

Some middle age American salaryman decides to cheat on his wife with some Euro-hottie. Seems his mommy got it on with a succubi demon or some shit or the other.

Fast forward to the euro chick and dude going fuckin in a cabin in the woods when the dude goes going all crazy. A few killings of Ariel montage scenes later, I was bored out of my fuckin mind.

I didn't care about the dude or why he was all mental. It literally was 90 minutes of the dude acting nuts. Sure you can bang some Euro chick and then add a twist ending. But seriously, how does one get funding for a lame Shining ripoff.

Totally incomprehensible flick, loaded with generic T&A and scenes of violence that fit into a non existent plot. Yay. Now why don't you go F off.

0 Spinkicks

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Friday, June 26, 2009

RIP: Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

I had that red and black jacket when I was a kid. I learned that Thriller dance. I had leather pants with the white socks.

It's a sad day all over the world because the King of Pop is now dead.

I remember rewatching the Thriller music video on a VHS tape that I would rewind countless times over. It was one of my first time also watching zombies. WTF are zombies I would ask my parents?

Fuckin scary.

Just forget the eccentric lifestyle, Bubbles, Macaulay Culkin, the oxygen tank, the pigmentation, the pedo-molestation charges, etc.

For a second, just remember the music and pop culture-ness of the icon of MJ.

Michael Jackson, you will be missed.

Now listen to Thriller live below.





And to cheer you up, go watch Filipino inmates do the Thriller dance again.





And if that doesn't cheer you up, nerd up with UGO's King of Nerds tribute.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Box Trailer and Twilight Zone "Button, Button" Episode

Richard Kelly (director of Donnie Darko and Southland Tales) is back and doing his best M. Knight Shyamalan impersonation. With The Box, he takes a short story by Richard Matheson which was in turn, turned into an episode called "Button, Button" on the new Twilight Zone in 1986.

Starring Cameron Diaz, the story is an interesting premise or a load of twisty badness. You decide. You are the experiment.

A small wooden box arrives on the doorstep of a married couple, who open it and become instantly wealthy. Little do they realize that opening the box also kills someone they do not know ...

I love Richard Kelly's Donnie Darko but Southland was scratch your eyeballs bad. So who knows about this one.

Would you push the button?

Fuck yeah I would. Of course you all can see the twist coming a thousand light years away but fuck it, it's a million dollars.

Check out the trailer below.





If you want to be spoiled way ahead of the October 30th 2009 release date, you can watch the Twilight Zone episode "Button, Button" below. Hell, I did.

"Button, Button" Part 1






"Button, Button" Part 2






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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dead Snow (Review)

Dead Snow

Dead Snow (2009)

Directed by Tommy Wirkola

It wasn't too long ago I was blogging about Nazi zombies.

After the flick was getting mega hype from Sundance film festival, you knew this was gonna be one of those horror films that just gets it. It wasn't trying to appeal to the PG-13 millenials so Hollywood could $ca ching. Dead Snow was appealing to the horror-sphere and won the Nazi zombie race against Worst Case Scenario and others.

Wirkola's previous film was a Norwegian parody of Kill Bill so what we get with our Nazi zombies are some ha ha moments that seem right for a flick about an undead German army fighting against a group of medical student hipsters.

I missed seeing it at NYC Fangoria Weekend of Horrors.Well I'm glad the IFC picked it up for VOD and DVD distribution.

It's a horror film that's self aware. It knows it's premise and makes note of it. It's also follows the standard formula to a tee. Dead Snow makes no allusions of not being a horror comedy. Wanna see younglings get slaughtered my blood hungry, ravenous zombies? You got it!

The twist is we're seeing Nazi zombies in the mountains of Norway running in the snow.

And that's so completely nutty, you have to applaud this snowy D-day of destruction.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The plot of the film is set around a group of Norwegian medical students who go away for an Easter vacation in a cabin up in the mountains. Unfortunately, the area they are staying in was used by the Nazis in the German occupation of Norway during World War II. The Germans raped and pillaged the locals and stole all their gold, until the locals chased the Germans up the mountains, where they supposedly froze to death. The medical students find a box of gold in the cabin they are staying in, which had belonged to the Germans. As a result, zombie Germans come back to reclaim their gold, with deadly results.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

We are going to use the "what makes a good slasher movie" list for Dead Snow. Just because, if I do a regular review it will probably be boring whereas answering my own questions is funtastic!

Does Dead Snow achieve everything on this list?

1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Let's replace slasher with a shitload of zombies.

We get the meanest, great makeup FX of full fledge SS Nazi zombies complete with WWII gear and some decomposing Skeletor corpse faces. These are top notch looking zombies. And the fact that they are semi self aware, 3% intelligent and run after our snow mobiling yipsters is a testament to their army training.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

We get our standard sex scene in a frigid outhouse. And you know the rule. If you get some, you get dead.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Oh man. They so die such awesome over the top deaths. It's not a spoiler in a sense that you know that most of these people have to get bloodified and slaughtered so us gorehounds can rejoice.

So lets meet our would be victims!

1.) Vegard (our X-games extreme sporter)
2.) Roy (our horny horndog)
3.) Erlend (our resident horror movie geek)
4.) Martin (our doctor who is scared of blood)
5.) Liv (our hot blonde)
6.) Hanna (GF of Martin, pseudo final girl)
7.) Chris (hot chick, mostly fodder)

Erlend is the first to make the observation that a bunch of good looking Norwegians are headed to the scary cabin in the mountains where evil will probably ensue. It's clever enough to make a reference to their situation is a horror staple and his Braindead t-shirt at least homages the great old school Peter Jackson.

4.) No Plot?


Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. I was rather impressed by some of the gore and splatter. See below.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Check. Dead Snow combined gallons of blood, intenstines, gore, splatter and CGI blood splatter and *Gasp!* made it work.

Here is your Gore-ipedia.

1.) Ocular trauma with special head brain explosion
2.) Head decaps (x infinity!)
3.) Gratuitous intenstine trauma
4.) Chainsaw arm surgery
5.) Body rippage
6.) Sliced throats
5.) Zombie ocular trauma
6.) Zombie Arm trauma
7.) Zombie shotgun trauma
8.) Zombie intensine trauma
...suffice it to say the zombies get chainsawed, scythed, knifed and obliterated in various splatter happy ways.

And there's like an never ending army, so there's solid carnage throughout.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Geeky leader does take charge. And we get our mysterious old man who describes the spooky legend (see the plot above)

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. Very Evil Dead and Brain Dead-y

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Final man?!?!?

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

You betcha!

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Nazi Zombies working together to rip the arms and limbs of one of the hipsters

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

That scene of Nazi zombies coming out of the snow and the one where they are fuckin Usain Bolting is fuckin priceless.

Dead Snow will inevitably be compared to Evil Dead and Brain Dead (both films they reference and homage). It's got the ill timed humor working well (and even though it was subtitled, it worked, see the subtitled version and not the dubbed one). It's funny and makes you know it.

Let's get straight to the point. Dead Snow is one of the best horror movies of 2009. The movie takes a while to get revved up, with the first 30 minutes full of quick scares but the characters are not overtly annoying and do enough to make sure when they get dead, you have a good time watching their demise.

But as the first movie to put Nazi zombies in the snow on screen, Dead Snow hits all the right targets, makes you laugh and is just like storming Normandy.

All we see is tons of carnage, slaughter and splatter.

But you can't look away. And honestly, you don't want to because it's too fuckin awesome to watch.

Rating:


Check out the trailer.





Also check out some clips from the flick.

Clip #1 (no gore, but gratuitous sex!)





Clip #2 (ATTACK!!!!)





Clip #3 (Ash would be so proud)






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Monday, June 22, 2009

Surviving Evil (Trailer)

Did everybody miss me? Well due to unforseen shit I had to take care of last week, I was of course MIA in my updating. Well I'm back and I've got some zany reviews to put up. In the meantime, I figure your getting your horror fixes from other horror-sphere sites but whose gonna cover a horror movie that takes place on the Philippines???

Well the jaded viewer will.

Surviving Evil stars Billy Zane and hot Natalie Mendoza (from The Descent and Descent 2)

Here be the plot.

A TV documentary crew arrive on a remote island in the Philippines to film a survival special. Their back-to-the-wild adventure proves to be more terrifying than they ever could have imagined.

More so the movie is about the Filipino mythical Aswang, or female vampire like creatures.

Check out the trailer below.



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Friday, June 12, 2009

The Horror Continuum (Links from the Horrorsphere)

It's Horror Continuum Fridays. Where I give you links from around the horrorsphere and the interweb.

.....I met Alejandro Aja when he screened Haute Tension a while back. Now he's got porn stars and Eli Roth cameo-ing in Piranha 3D. Wow.

.....this show is a fake tv show...whereas this show is a REALITY show and they both have the same plot

.....whats with Japanese youth's fascination with wrist slice and dice?
(I realize these would make excellent tweets but I've forgotten my Twitter password)

.....The NYAFF schedule has been released. You may see me at Tokyo Gore Night!

.....That's 5 expos in 1!!!

.....Dead Snow is being released theatrically and on video in demand (though this version is dubbed)

.....Good feature-a-rama from Horror-Movies.ca about 5 New Zombie Movies Worth Watching

Got more links? Leave em in the comments section.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Cinemassacre.com's You Know What's Bullshit (DVD special edition)

I stumbled upon the video below while surfing for porn. Porn and old Quantum Leap episodes.

Don't ask.

But it hits the nail on the head with what's wrong with DVDs. I fuckin hate the damn multiple security tape and locking mechanism clippy things. You need to fuckin Oceans 11 to open the fuckin DVD box.

Enjoy the Bullshit Man's latest rant. Fuckin DVDs.



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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ong Bak 2 (Review)

Ong Bak 2

Ong Bak 2 (2009)

Directed by Tony Jaa

The Jaa is back.

Let's get this out of the way first. This is a pseudo sequel to the smash and bash that is Ong Bak. Got that?

Let's also get this out of the way too.

Thailand is still the king of action cinema for now. Stunt-a-palooza, muy thai kneeing and elbowing and just rampant 1-2-3 punches. Sick shit all around.

I'm not a big fan of period piece action cinema. Whenever some Chinese or Japanese movie is set in the past, I get bored. I like my action in the present day, where stunts are performed in an urban setting, parkour becomes commonplace and a final scene can play out on the side of a fuckin building.

So you can see my dilemma after having watched Ong Bak 2?

The simple review is this. The historical ploppity plot is a yawn but the stunts and the actionography is fuckin fantastic and the stunts as always are awesome the magnificent.

You still want a review.....arghhh ok.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Set in the regal times of King Naresuan, Tien (Tony Jaa) is a man who was born into nobility but had it stripped from him after his parents were brutally murdered. During his childhood Tien learned Khon, a form of dance which is usually reserved for royalty. Although he didn't know it yet, Khon would later prove to be an invaluable aide to him. After seeing his parents murdered at the tender age of 10, Tien is forced to live on the streets where he is eventually captured by a group of thieves who take him in and teach him how to steal and fight.

Tien's expertise as a thief and fighter grows and it isn't long before he is made head thief. Then Tien sees something that makes his stomach churn. A competition is being held to find the best knights to serve under the very man who had killed Tien's parents all those years ago. Tien passes the tests easily and is made Lord Rachasana's 2nd Knight. Now, he has his opportunity to strike but he will have to use all his skill and ingenuity if he is going to get his revenge on the man who killed his parents.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Read the plot above because I'm not going to talk about it anymore. Let's get to the action scenes shall we?

1.) Random medieval army vs army carnage

Slyly put into the sword on sword and bow and arrow battles is CGI blood. You know the one...that fake "300" CGI blood. I do not like this and there was way too much of it during the fight scenes.

However, good crazy choreographed action-rama when 2 battle armies go mano y mano is never a bore.

2.) The Elephant Scene

Tony Jaa has always tried to top his stunts and in this one he balances off a pack of wild rampaging elephants than does a sick backwards flip off its trunk. Totally sick...very nice.

3.) The training montage plus SAT Pirate tests scene

Jaa has to pass 3 tests to become the man of the pirates gang.

a.) Beat some schmuck with a sword
b.) Beat some schmuck with his muy thai
c.) Beat some schmuck with everything he's got in his arsenal

Suffice it to say he does.

4.) Tien's Uber Revenge Scene

Jaa's is in full revenge mode using Pacquiao like speed and lightning quick martially arts to dispense of the people who fucked up his village. Tons of different weapons are used, crazy numchucks, swords, that rope with the rock at the end of it (what's that called?) and plain old bare fists and legs.

The scene blows by so quickly if you blink you may have missed something unfuckinbelievable.

5.) The Ending is 20 -30 minutes of action porn

Seriously...its like he exploded and went completely nuts. Jaa has all the cylinders working. Guys are coming at him left and right and he's disposing of them like he's blowing his nose.
It's Jaa vs an army of 300. Slice and dice, punch and crunch. Jaa is kicking ass so fast its a ballet of brutality. A battle on top of an elephant made my mouth stay open for a good 10 seconds.

It's great choreographed insanity and it's pretty fun to watch.

The ending leaves a soon to be sequel ready to be filmed. All in all, a good solid flick. Though it didn't have the magic of the first Ong Bak. The original had humor, a very funny motivational plot device and muy thai-ing that went off the radar.

Ong Bak 2 had none of that. But that's ok. It's like getting psyched up for your favorite dish and it not living up to your expectations. But it's still satisfying.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Nada. More like one big sausage factory but with flying spinkicks.

WTF moment

That crazy elephant back flick

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Ong Bak 3 was greenlit and its suppose to start filming at the end of this year. Hollywood has been itching to get Tony Jaa to Hollywood. Please don't stick him in a buddy cop movie...fuckin Hollycrap.

Ong Bak 2 is your fix for all that is the uber martial arts action genre has to offer. If you can keep awake during the pointless plot pushing the action scenes do not disappoint.

Somehow they need to tie this flick and part 3 to the original. Maybe that head in the first movie is Tien's head.

Yeah that make sense. Hmm maybe not. Oh fuck it. Just knee kick somebody in the head please.


Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer below.





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Tuesday, June 09, 2009

The Last Gasps of the Horror Convention

Well I was planning to go. But I didn't. I was thinking of going to go to the NYC Fangoria Weekend of Horrors last weekend. I elected not to go. Not because I was booked to do anything else, I just got that very eerie feeling it was going to suck.

And from my Evil Adam's account via UGO.com it really sorta did.

I've been to my share of Fangoria fests and Chiller conventions. When I first heard of Chiller being the mecca of horrorfests, I was psyched.

In my first Chiller, I met Kelly Hu (super hotness!) and Virgil (the former Million Dollar Man bodyguard) who happen to be sitting at his rented dealers table wearing a nWo shirt begging people to get his 'graph and pic for $20. $20!!! You gotta be frakin kidding me.

You entered the tent outside (you Chiller vets no what I'm talking about) and could meet the girl from Night of the Comet, WWE divas and former washed up wrestlers, that guy who played Jason in that Friday and of course Tiffany fuckin Shepis.

You could stare at the big breasted Playboy model from 1975 or you could see that bikini model on Page 3.

You could meet Leslie Neilsen, meet a dealer hocking his own home made movie or buy a rare toy from a dealer who kept that He-Man doll from 1985.

You could meet Tom Savini and Kane Hodder.

You could buy that old Inspector Gadget cartoon from the Saturday morning cartoon dealer or buy a vintage poster from the poster guy.

The dealers rocked. This was before the commonplace ebay/torrents/internet rare palooza that now makes it easy for us horror fanatics to get our fix. I picked up so much good shit back then. 2nd and 3rd generation dubs on VHS. Bad box and cover art. The rarity of getting something on DVD-R was like finding a needle in a stack of needles.

I remember my dealers.

Long haired guy
Mexican wrestling video guy
Blackheart (aka Blackest Heart Media)
JJ (aka Maggot Video)
Mr and Mrs. Old man and old woman selling rare shit

But that's all over now.

The 21st century horror convention is filled with "reunion" specials, special previews, bad TV collectable peeps and overpriced DVD specials.

EVERYTHING IS WAY OVERPRICED!!!

I bought a Herchell Gordon Lewis Bloodfeast for $5 and I couldn't fuckin believe I got such a bargain. Everything else...$30 or over.

My biggest gripe of all was I was just plain bored. Possibly the excitement of these fests was gone but nobody had the rare shit I was looking for.

I couldn't find one exploitation or grindhouse film I was looking for. Blaxploitation movies? Nada. Sexploitation?... zip. Ilsa? I couldn't even get a fuckin Ilsa movie.

There was a time I would be a kid at the candy store sugar rushing as I looked at all the crazy fucked up horror movies I could buy. The rarest of the rare. Movies bootlegged over and over again. Shared horror community trades. Circa 2002 I was part of this community trading horror movies on the internet.

Read this post. Here's an excerpt.

Watching a horror/exploitation/cult film on an underground, imported, no cover art, mislabeled VHS tape in your slowly decaying VCR is an unbelievable feeling. The picture is kinda grainy after the 8th generation dub. The sound is kinda off. Volume goes from high to low. You try to fix the tracking. That doesn't do shit. And you watch.

Then towards the end something mysterious happens. The dude you bought or traded this flick from just taped over midget porn and you see the tale end of it. Or he's used a tape where all his old cartoons were on.

It's oh so magically delicious. This is where bootlegging becomes special. Where you feel like your part of the mainstream. The mainstream of the underground.

Ahh bootlegging + horror conventions (circa late 90s early 00s) were a dynamic punch. We recommended titles, shared stories and propagated the urban legend of snuff.

And just like a horror remake, this new 2009 version of a horror convention has raped my childhood.

It's almost now obiliterated into smithereens. Gone. All gone.

The modern horror convention is going to die a gruesome death soon...and all that will be left is Kane Hodder sitting in a corner by himself reading a copy of Fangoria.

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Monday, June 08, 2009

Babysitter Wanted (Trailer)

Sometimes you can watch a trailer and not think anything of it. Perusing Terrorfeed, I scanned a trailer for Babysitter Wanted. It seem like your run of the mill slash and dash but I did more research as it stars the hot Sarah Thompson (she was Eve on Angel) and it has Nana Visitor (Kira Nerys! from Star Trek: DS9) as well as Bill fuckin Moseley.

Shockingly, from all the reviews I glanced at the horrorsphere is claiming this is an actually rockstar horror of a movie. Hmmmm....now I'm going to have to watch this. Check out the trailer below.





Doesn't seem just blah? Check back for a review in a few days.

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Friday, June 05, 2009

The Horror Continuum (Links from the Horrorsphere)

I've been thinking it over and I figure there should be a day where I share what I find on the interweb with the rest of the horrorsphere. So every Friday (hopefully), will be The Horror Continuum. Where I'll post just random things I find on the Internet that maybe you missed.

If you have some links to share with everybody, feel free to post them in the comments below.

First up free press courtesy of the jaded viewer mailbox.

....Interesting web series called The Happy Face Killer

....New comedy web series called Safety Geeks

OK now back to our regularly scheduled program.

....Great List from Eeerie books on the 50 Must-See French Horror Movies

....Fearnet has been putting some awesome free movies online

....Fangoria is having their Weekend of Horrors this weekend in NYC

....The NY Asian Film Festivall is right around the corner

....Indie horror trailers galore at Terrorfeed

....Watch some funny porno trailers of your favorite TV shows including Seinfeld, The Office and Scrubs

....Black Devil Doll has listed more theatrical screenings

....A Map to Where Everyone Died Hard in "Die Hard"

.....RunPee.com tells you went to pee during a movie

....Keyboard Cat + Haley Joel Osmont + Chuck Norris = FUCKIN FUNNY

And in case you missed the last week on the jaded viewer (yeah I gotta plug my own stuff)

I found a few more awesome trailers....

....yup you need you to see the Dead Hooker in a Trunk trailer

....it really did eat his face in the It Ate His Face trailer

....I never get sick of seeing Asian tween kids kicking ass in Power Kids

.....the new Van Damme trailer The Eagle Path is up

.....Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

Seen any other funny viral interweb videos? Or found a crazy horror trailer when scavenging for porn? Or stumbled upon a list that made milk come out of your nose?

Comment and share with the group. Because sharing is caring.

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Thursday, June 04, 2009

Dead Hooker in a Trunk (Trailer)

Fuck. I'm late on this one too. Oh well. I know this trailer came out a while ago but hell if you didn't see it here's your chance.

I've been a grindhouse/exploitation junkie of late looking for those off the wall, fucked up funtastic trailers that make you want to see some hilarious shit.

And Dead Hooker In A Trunk fits up that alley.

Directed by the Soska Sisters of Canada and brought to you by Forty FPS Productions, this little slice of the exploitation pie seems as good as the other Most Anticipated Exploitation/Grindhouse Movies of 2009 I've been previewing your way.

What's not to love about junkies, bad asses, hot women and a dead hooker in a trunk?

Check out the teaser as well as the official HD trailer.

teaser





the official trailer





Also check out the official site. Here's hoping this gets distributed AS fuckin P.

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Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Enter the Void (Teaser Trailer)

Gasper Noe's new full length feature film since Irreversible looks out right mesmerizing. Enter the Void is definitely going to be a "tour de force" (I love how this is always the most quotable quote for a movie). Thanks to Twitch, you can all see the teaser trailer which is now online.

For you noobs, Noe's films are artsy masterpieces of surreality. If you want to do your homework, see I Stand Alone and Irreversible (that's if you can take the punishment within).

Enter the Void plot is below.

Oscar and his sister Linda are recent arrivals in Tokyo. Oscar’s a small time drug dealer, and Linda works as a nightclub stripper. One night, Oscar is caught up in a police bust and shot. As he lies dying, his spirit, faithful to the promise he made his sister ­ that he would never abandon her - refuses to abandon the world of the living. It wanders through the city, his visions growing evermore distorted, evermore nightmarish. Past, present and future merge in a hallucinatory maelstrom.

Check it out the very vague teaser below.


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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

It Ate His Face (Trailer)

I follow a simple formula on the site. I post reviews, top 5 lists and trailers. But not just any old trailers. I figure you can get your regular horror trailers via the popular horror-sphere sites. What I try to do is dig for the more obscure trailers. Sometimes I grab em from the mainstream horror sites, sometimes I'll YouTube for hours to find something new.

But when I watch something that looks like it would be jaded viewer material, that's when I figure it's a worthy post.

I may be late on this, but It Ate His Face is a worthy trailer to put up. I mean the fuckin title says it all and the trailer lives up to it.

Here be your plot.

After setting out to research an unknown section of the great lakes in Michigan, four adventurous students find themselves battling crazed rednecks, and something lurking in the water the hasn’t evolved in over 250 million years. This pre-historic parasitic monster has turned the once quintessential eco-system in this small town flat on it’s back and all living creatures are soon finding themselves prey to it. Intially distracted by the good time they are having and the loss of their friend’s brother in a sick and twisted unexplained accident only a month before they find themselves trapped in a gruesome situation as old as time itself- will they kill or be killed? They will discover that this evolution phenomenon is as deep and wide and dark as the great lake they came to research- if they survive.

Here be your trailer.





The movie is written and directed by Aramis Sartorio (aka Tommy Pistol). Seems so jarringly kooky it may actually should be on the list of my Most Anticiapted Grindhouse/Exploitation movies of 2009.

Due to funding problems it may not get completed. Here's hoping it does.

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Monday, June 01, 2009

Evil Things (Review)

Evil Things

Evil Things (2009)

Directed by Dominic Perez

I've been on a tear reviewing some indie horror films of late (see The Landlord and Thicker than Water: The Vampire Diaries). Its a credit to the fact that I want the jaded viewer to be a haven of where little engines that could can reap the benefits of getting press and pub from the horror-sphere.

Because it's the indie filmmakers that put Hollywood on their toes. This is where creativity is still alive and where we the audience can go to when we're sick of the umpteenth Saw film or the remake of another remake.

So I'm glad director Dominic Perez sent me over a screener of his film Evil Things. The first thing when I received it was I thought I was being busted by the FBI. The packaging of this little film is done quite inventively.

As you can see below, we get an "official" FBI letter (not pictured), a DVD in FBI style labeling and a very authentic looking FBI evidence bag. Wow. I thought Fox Mulder would be knocking on my door any second.

Now that's some creative viral marketing. With the officialnessy comes the official website which has some short pleas for help from the family members who seen their kin disappear.

I know what you're saying. You're getting the sinking feeling you've seen this all before.

Ahem.

Yes, the movie feels very Blair Witch Project which is the inevitable conclusion people may come to when they see the trailer or movie for the first time. With the proliferation of SOV/POV movies (see Cloverfield, Rec, Diary of the Dead) that's been invading the horror-sphere of late, I have to admit I'm not a big proponent.

So would a movie that follows the formula be any different?

Let's see.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

On January 9th 2009, 5 college students left New York City for a weekend in the country. 48 hours later they vanished without a trace. There were no leads and no evidence...until now.

It’s Miriam’s 21st Birthday. As a birthday gift, Miriam’s aunt Gail lends Miriam her beautiful country house for an entire weekend. Aunt Gail’s country house is amazing. It’s a four bedroom house surrounded by breathtaking mountains and miles and miles of woods. Miriam invites her college buddies Cassy, Mark, Tanya and Leo to join her at the country house for what looks to be the most amazing weekend ever. Of course they all jump at the chance to spend a free weekend in the country, in the middle of nowhere.

Miriam’s friends are totally in the mood for a big time party weekend. They’re also anxious to escape the dark and gloomy concrete jungle known as Manhattan. Miriam, Cassy and Tanya bring the food. Mark brings the beer and Leo, the aspiring filmmaker, brings his new video camera. Leo hopes to produce a short movie by documenting every amazing moment of this weekend getaway. Unfortunately, what Leo ends up capturing on camera is not a weekend of peace and tranquility, but a nightmarish descent into pure terror.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's start off with what the formula for shot on video, POV horror films.

1.) The camera "person" films everything
2.) His friends who become part of the video
3.) Something sinister starts to scare them
4.) The film ends with "the final shot" that gets the audience shocked

This is of course how Evil Things starts off as Leo, our camera guy wants to document his vacation with his friends. His friends are of course OK with the fact that he is filming EVERYTHING. Which begs the standard..."Stop filming me!" quotables throughout. There is really no justification for him to film while horror ensues, but he does which makes only sense in this universe.

Leo's hipster friends fall into their hipster stereotypes. That's not to say it's a bad thing. We've got Leo of course our NYU film student gone wild, Miriam, the birthday girl, Cassy, the pseudo leader, her boyfriend Mark the tough guy and the hot Tanya, our sick yet sassy friend.

When I reviewed Cloverfield, I wanted all the hipsters to die. All of them we're terribly annoying. However, in Evil Things I must say, I didn't have this homicidal tendency. Each of the characters, though flawed and prone to panic every 5 seconds, had me actually rooting for them to survive (though we know they all die because of the fact this is FBI evidence).

This is very important in these POV films. If I am not to made to care about this inner circle of friends, boredom sets in. All of them we're not terribly annoying nor were they people I'd actually want to hang out with (except Tanya :-P). The other thing I need to have is some funnies. Blair Witch had some awesome one liners and spread throughout Evil Things we get a few charactery tidbits. Leo caught in a bubble bath and Cassy doing a mom impersonation are quite funny. I only wish there were more of these characterologies. When you have Girl X ,Y and Z screaming all the time, complaining and arguing , it turns out just blah.

Now lets go over the sininster stuff. As the group heads out on vacation, they encounter some oddities on their way there. A mysterious red van impedes their route, then the same van makes an appearance at a gas station then a cameo at a diner they stop at. None of these make you jump out of your seat but they do add some eerie quality to whats soon to come.

As the vacation progresses, a quick hike to the woods turns out to plagiarize the Blair Witch Project to a tee. I was almost thinking we'd get a Heather POV "We're gonna die" monologue with snot coming out of her nose. But alas we get a few quirky noises and lots of arguing.

In the final act, normalcy gets interrupted as a mysterious knock on the door produces a grainy videotape. The group watches it Ring style and sees someone has been videotaping them (from the POV from that van) since they arrived in the country. Filmed while they sleep and while they were lost, it's very well done and we get the scary feeling we're headed to a home invasion movie waiting to happen.

The movie suddenly switches back and forth from Leo's footage to our mysterio footage. Even eerie music is backdropped in. Suffice it to say, we do get our "final shot" as indiciated by the rules of this genre not before we get another 2nd ending that sets up an inevitable sequel.

All in all, I have to say I liked Evil Things. Though it follows the formula you've seen before, it breaks it and makes it different. Whereas the camera would always videotape the supernatural (zombies, a monster, etc.) here we see a grounded in reality (or pseudo reality) footage of wacko hunters.

Evil Things is an entertaining indie horror film that goes back to the basics on what scares us. As Blair Witch taught us, we don't necessarily need to see the sinisterness, we just need to see just enough to get us paranoid. It's forgiveable that Perez used the hand held video cinema technique as he was constrained to the budget he had.

As much as I hate this hand held world we live in, Evil Things works. The whole mock FBI packaging and the fact what we're seeing something SENT to the FBI brings up some good unanswered questions. Perez creates an odd mythos about this snuff like evidence and I dug the fact he went all the way with it.

Here's hoping we get to find out more about these mysterious killer voyeurs and see them dash and scare another group of hapless hipsters.

Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia

Wow. None for both. You have to use your imagination!

WTF moment

The "final shot"
The 2nd ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

First some fun facts!

-Filmed this year (2009) in January up at the Catskills Mountains in NY
-Shot in 7 days

It's a good first effort from Dominic Perez. This is not the first movie to go all hand held POV but it's definitely one of the better ones. Though I have to say, one question that kept bugging me throughout is the fact that a movie like this could never be used as a commercial for Verizon or Sprint or T-Mobile or AT&T.

Do none of these cell phone carriers have coverage in any place rural???

I mean seriously folks. Nobody could get a signal?

It's just one final gripe on logic from an otherwise great film. Because the most evilest thing you can do to any New Yorker is take away their ability to use their iPhone or Crackberry.

Rating:
1/2


Check out the trailer.






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