Thursday, April 30, 2009

Big Man Japan (Review)

Big Man Japan

Big Man Japan (2007)

Directed by Hitoshi Matsumoto

Everybody talks about trying to get to know somebody else's culture. We Americans talk big, we want to know what life is like outside our borders. But in the end, we mock whats different to us. However, we sometimes embrace other cultures and blend them into our own.

So we can sometimes "get" that dry British humor or add in a Mexican phrase into our lexicon. But I gotta admit, I believe I've only glimpsed the pop culture world of Japan. So after watching Big Man Japan the fact that I know exactly what they are trying to mock makes it totally universal.

Big Man Japan is the ultimate mockumentary of the big monster/Ultraman/superhero subgenre in Japanese subcultures. And it's unbelievably brilliant.

Working off that Office-y feel and throwing in CGI monster battles to boot, I've never seen anything like Big Man Japan. It's a blend of sentimental sadness, hilarious spoof-a-rama and an ending of Monty Python like proportions.

I cannot contain myself with how wonderful and uber-funny Big Man Japan is. Tears streamed from my eyes from continuous laughter.....which ultimately in my book equate to 3 spinkicks of HA HA HA.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A middle-aged slacker living in a rundown, graffiti-ridden slum, Daisato’s job involves being shocked by bolts of electricity that transform him into a stocky, stick-wielding giant several stories high who is entrusted with defending Japan from a host of bizarre monsters.

But while his predecessors were national heroes, he is a pariah among the citizens he protects, who bitterly complain about the noise and destruction of property he causes. And Daisato has his own problems - an agent insistent on branding him with sponsor advertisements, an Alzheimer-afflicted grandfather who transforms into a giant in dirty underwear, and a family who is embarrassed by his often cowardly exploits.

A wickedly deadpan spin on the giant Japanese superhero, BIG MAN JAPAN is an outrageous portrait of a pathetic but truly unique hero.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I am not going to go scene by scene as I usually do when I start ranting about a flick I love. Suffice it to say, you need to watch this movie squeaky clean to get the full effect.

But I will tell you a few tidbits to get this on your Netflix or torrent que.

Told in a documentary style gimmick, we meet Daisato. An unseen reporter asks Daisato about his work....which of course entails being Big Man Japan. The questions are often unintentionally (or intentionally) funny and give many moments of pause to Daisato who contemplates his answers like a B list celebrity making sure he gets the best press possible.

The first hour is devoted to this characterology. We see where he lives, what he eats, what others think of him and how he works. Interspliced in all this, we are shown the epic battles between BMJ and the various monsters on the prowl. These include the strangest monsters ever conceived. You have to see it to believe it. Strangler monster, Leaping monster, Stink monster and big red monster are just a few that must battle our hero.

BMJ also has a few people in his life. These include his dog worshipping agent, his grandfather "the fourth" who also served as a Big Man. We also meet his ex wife and a TV blurred daughter who, well let's say has parts of her dad in her.

All this is told in that sympathetic Japanese way, where we are made to care about Daisato. We also discover he doesn't make alot of money, his TV ratings are poor and he has to put sponsored advertisements on his body. This is not your average salaryman.

Every aspect of the movie works perfectly, though sometimes trudges a little long. At 113 minutes, this is a heavyweight of a film where the movie gets you immersed into a land of make believe, one that is so prepostrous I loved every minute of it.

The movie goes back and forth between heartfelt drama and slapstick comedy, to some it may be confusing and may get you film-seasick. But each scene, each moment is so perfectly crafted by Matsumoto, that the fact this was 5 years in the making was time well spent.

Are you still there? You still reading? Well my vagueness is a good thing for this review because the ending is by far the most hilarious scenes I've ever witnessed.

Let me just say this. When you see the "live version" of our favorite TV show Big Man Japan, it was like a moment of clarity.

Everything made sense and it just H-bombed my mind.

Big Man Japan's courage to mock the big robot/radiation spawned monsters of it's pop culture TV and film world is to be applauded. America has done the same to our "grindhouse" culture but Matsumoto does it without being so vicious and curveballing us by making Daisato so puppy doggish you care about him.

But not everybody does. Even though people hate him, he destroys buildings, kills a monster baby and wreaks constant havoc....our hero never wavers, never gives up and always protects his country.

Well actually he didn't do that.

Nevermind.


Gore-ipedia
/Nude-ipedia

None of course

WTF moment

The ending. By far one of the funniest endings I've ever seen.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Big Man Japan DVD hits American shores via Magnolia Home Entertainment on July 28th. When it does, get your hands on it. It's culturally universal though I think if you've seen some Ultraman, some Godzilla and some Gamera it would help in noticing the trend of mocks.

Evil Adam will also be posting a review of this and I'll be sending you his take on this awesome flick when its up.

As we Americans do not have a monster subculture (Clover-crap doesn't count) to make fun of, I'm pretty sure this is remake proof.

But remember like I said, we tend to make fun of things we don't understand or sometimes we embrace them. However most of the time, we just steal the idea.

It's the American way.

Check out the official US site.

Rating:
1/2


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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Blurbs, Blahs, and other Mumbo Jumbo



Well share the horror wealth I always say. I recently reviewed Cheerbleeders last week and I thought it kicked ass. Now you too can check it out but only for 2 week.s

Check out Peter Podgursky's 11 minute short full of gothy goths, dumb ass jocks and cheery cheerleaders who go cheercrazy.


Black Dynamite premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival last week. The reviews have been coming in and they're all MOTHERFUCKING fantastic. The movie comes out theatrically on 9/4.

Check out new clip from the movie below.





And finally I have to be a super duper double dipper and self promote. If you like what you've been reading of late from the jaded viewer and you are part of the awesomeness of the LAMB, please vote me for a LAMMY.

I think I could get some votes for funniest writer or best rating system (i mean i rate via frakin JCVD spinkicks!)


That is all for now. Remember, when Skynet attacks, I'll be the guy first on line at the time displacement machine.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Dollhouse "Haunted" (TV Review)

[To save on time and effort, I figured I'd post my review of Dollhouse on the jaded viewer early. Enjoy!]

If the Dollhouse gets murdered by the Fox execs, can it be brought back to life? Oddly, with the talk of the DVD and the mysterious “13th episode” being included, the DVD kinda acts like a Dollhousey imprint…right?

So not to worry folks. If Fox does cancel our little awesome-rific show, we can all bring it back to life by buying 2 DVDs each of the show. It’ll be a crazy bestseller which then will force Fox to go all Family Guy rewind and bring the show back to life.

See everything will work out fine. Wait. This is the same network that cancelled Arrested Development and apologized right?

Oh crap. Never mind.

In this week’s episode of the Dollhouse Echo gets the imprint of Adelle’s BFF who was murdered and she has to solve her own death. We also see Topher and his BFF geek out and we see Paul and his BFF the ever sleeping doll, Mellie go boink crazy. It’s BFF-palooza!

Addy and her BFF

The big Riddler question mark this week concerning the human condition in the Dollhouse universe is whether or not the Dollhouse allows people to live forever. As we open the episode, Margaret a super duper rich woman gets murdered while horseback riding. Seems she’s been a client of the Dollhouse and been brain scanning her mind in case something like this happened.

Adelle and Margie are best of friends and though sad at the loss of her friend, Margie needs to find out who killed her. After attending her own funeral, we go all Scooby Doo and we find out who the suspects are.

Could it be….

1.) The womanizing slacker son?
2.) The photographer daughter?
3.) The drunken older brother?
4.) The young, exotic husband?
5.) The staff?


Margie as an imprinted Echo has casual, Wilma like conversations with all of the above. Being careful as to not divulge her true identity, she gets to hear what they really thought of her as a mother, wife and sister.

OK. I gotta chime in here. I know last post I was asking for a standalone, imprint of the week episode so we can lure other viewers to the show. Well you know what? I’m an idiot. That was a bad idea. This is because these types of shows are just boring and muddled. It’s a standard sci-fi premise to explore what would happen if your memories could be transferred to another body when you died.

I mean Star Trek did this a million times.

So nothing new is being explored. We all understand that everybody’s perspectives of you would be different. That people would be more brutally honest about what they thought of you. It’s a gimmick that has been done to death, and then brought back to life by other sci-fi shows. What really more needs to be said? Bad choice here by the writers on crafting this little regurgitated mess of a gimmick.

The debate of using the Dollhouse tech to have people live forever is also sorta clich├ęd as well. We’ve all heard the same issues regarding cloning and sci-fi movies talk about the morality issues implicit with such a thing.

I just didn’t think the show needed to explore any of these issues. So another episode was wasted by Joss and company. We’re deep in our end zone, in the 4th quarter and it’s 2nd down and long. And this is the big play you come up with?

Arghhh.

I’m an angry emoticon right now. Let’s turn that to a smiley face. So let’s talk about the Topher and his BFF.

Topher and his BFF

In a nice change of pace, Topher has to run an annual “yada yada yada diagnostic” which turns out as we see, that Sierra being imprinted with a geek playmate for Topher for the day. Sierra could probably be the hottest nerdette ever in the history of TV.

So what does Topher do with his Active for a day?

1.) Play Speeforce 3 on Xbox 360
2.) Throw a football and talk about classic sci-fi errors
3.) Play Laser tag

This leads to the quotable of the day as Sierra talks to Topher about having some fun with the Actives. I am positive Jane Espenson wrote this.

Geeky Sierra: Speaking of sci-fi, can we play with the sleepies?
Topher: No.
Geeky Sierra: C’mon Topher. We can have them battle one another and bet on them like Gladiators.
Topher: We can’t play with the sleepies.
Geeky Sierra: Or we could have them act out skits we write, film it and see who gets more hits on YouTube.
Topher: That’s not a bad idea, but no.

I’ve poured over the message boards as well folks trying to figure out who Topher imprinted into Sierra. Some say it’s himself, while others say it’s a geeky “man friend”. The mystery of Topher is he is the single most important person in the Dollhouse. Without him, there is no Dollhouse. DeWitt probably doesn’t even allow him to leave HQ.
As it’s a solitary life for Topher, I’m guessing this little present by Dewitt every year on his birthday is a way to keep the dude happy.

Poor Topher.

I’m sure Ivy is just a geeky BFF when she’s not getting him snacks and juice boxes. I’m telling you, these kids are the next Xander and Anya. Get them together.

Good comic relief for all us nerdy Whedonheads who love the word party, pop culture dial-licious dialogue.

Paul and his BFF

Paul Ballard has a lot on his mind. We know he knows Mellie is an Active and that’s complicated his relationship. He and Mellie are just out of synced. And we all know why.

Ballard (still in Dollhouse case mode) has Mellie’s fingerprints run through the FBI database. As it mysteriously gets erased, he convinces his colleague that something isn’t right. Yay. A converted dollhouse believer.

When Mellie starts to tell Ballard how she feels and is in love with him, our man Paul goes into rough sex mode and goes all hot and heavy with her.

It’s obvious what’s going on with Paul. His gritty boink session with Mellie is his way of expressing he is a “client” with a doll. He can’t actually have a relationship with her anymore because she is one of the “kidnapped” Dollhouse victims he’s trying to save.

I’m not sure where they’re going to go with Mellie but I’m going to go all Nostradamus here and predict Mellie/November is going to die.

Yes I said it. She will die in the season (series?) finale.

That will push Paul over the edge and become a rogue Dollhouse hunter. It’s all about the recycled Whedon show plot lines to keep us tuned ya know?
Addy and her BFF (the conclusion)

So as Margie goes all interrogationy on everyone, we all get potential motives and scenarios on making each of our suspects the killer. The brother arrived mysteriously a day early. Her daughter disliked her mother because she didn’t support her art and her son had a gambling problem. Even Jack, the husband is selling the horses she gave him in her will.

Later, her son discovers Echo is really his mother and the final mystery is revealed. Spoiler Alert!

A gratuitous chase ensues with Jack, her son and Echo. In a final twist, it turns out the son killed his mom via a horse tranquilizer/steroid concoction to pay off his gambling debts.

In the final scene, Margie returns to the Dollhouse and is wiped.

All in all, this episode is slightly below mediocre. Nothing new is introduced and our characters lives become more complicated. Topher’s little “date” adds more personality for “our voice” in the Dollhouse and we get Paul becoming more Angelish than ever.

This is probably one of the more forgettable episodes of the series so far. With the last 3 shows determining whether Dollhouse will see another day, you’d think we’d get more serialistic WTF and OMG episodes that push the main story arc.

With Alpha returning in the final two, we’re going to get just that. But by then, it may be too late. And I don’t want to get an apology years later explaining “Oops, we made a mistake on canceling Dollhouse.”

That would plain suck.

Here be the "Haunted" promo.



Monday, April 27, 2009

Fuck you Chev Chelios! (My thoughts on Crank 2)

X marks the spots

Look at Amy Smart's titties. You looking? Yeah you are you fuckin alpha male you.

I saw Crank 2 last week and it blew me away. Shit was better than Crank. I'm not going to review it as it's nutzoid to even review. I mean if you haven't seen it, stop whatever your doing and see this shit.

It's filled with comic book ultraviolence, loads of titties and boobies, crazy shootouts, stereotypical gang members from every race and Jason fuckin Statham.

What more do you need?

Fuck more boobies? Really? Those up there weren't enough? You wanna see a hot babe with guns? You got it motherfucker.

Hot Asian babe with guns

Damn you all are hard to please. This is a guy's guy movie. So much testosterone you can make Grade A steroids from. I can only describe the awesomeness of Crank 2 in disjointed grunt phrases which if you've seen the movie you'll get.

Here are the 20 things I love about this movie.

1.) Fuck you Chev Chelios!
2.) The doc's black momma
3.) Amy mounts the horses
4.) Bai Ling's broken english
5.) Severed hombre cabeza
6.) Young Chev
7.) Carradine in racist Chinese makeup
8.) Gratuitous porn star cameos (Jenna Haze, Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steele)
9.) Lloyd Kauffman cameo
10.) Every scene where Chev needs a jump
11.) Chev fucks up a social club
12.) Chev fucks up a strip club
13.) Chev statics up the granny
14.) What the fuck was in the cooler?
15.) Gratuitous big head fight scene
16.) The video game intro
17.) The diagram showing us how Chev's artificial heart works
18.) The dog collar
19.) The mental case from the first flick
20.) The gun up the dude's anus

There are so many other scenes in this flick that I'm forgetting but shit, for 85 minutes I was fuckin riled and revved.

Be sure to stay thru the credits as their are final final scenes of our man Chev. And their are hilarious outtakes at the end.


FUCK YOU CHEV CHELIOS!!!

Go see this movie, please.

The fuckin hilarious trailer is below. It's Red band mofo!


Friday, April 24, 2009

Rewind: Series 7: The Contenders


We've left them on an island, and seen if they could last. We've locked them in a house, and watched what they would do. And now, we've given them weapons.

Yup its a rewind. I've got a few movie reviews upcoming, just need to gather my thoughts and connect four them into a solid color first.

In any case, I was perusing my awesome dvd collection and stumbled upon this little gem of a satire of reality TV scummyness. Series 7: The Contenders. Back in 2001, when Survivor and Big Brother were little infants, this bad boy mocked the shit out of them.

After having watched MTV's The Phone, it reminded me of this little HA HA of a film.

Series 7 was directed by Daniel Minihan (he worked on COPS) and satired the shit out the boom of reality when we were all still mesmerized.

And the flick still holds up today.

Here be the plot:

Six ordinary Americans are chosen at random to participate in a "reality-based" TV show where contestants must kill or be killed. The reigning champion, Dawn Lagarto, is eight months pregnant and will win her freedom if she survives Series 7.

The film was ahead of its time. Its classic America run amok in that Running Man sorta way.

Check out the trailer below.





It's done all COPS style and it's fuckin brilliant. The contenders all get you sucked in.

1.) A pregnant defending champ
2.) An unemployed family man
3.) A God fearing nurse
4.) A rebellious tween
5.) A crazy old recluse
6.) A dying cancer stricken dude

It seems like the entire movie is on YouTube. But it would be best viewed on TV so Netflix it will ya?

One day, Fox will go too far and just arm the contestants. And this flick will have Nostradumused it. Check out the intro.....





Good times.

My daddy gave me this to win!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (Trailer)

I'm picking Vampire Girl in 7 death matches. Wow now that's a fuckin trailer. Give it up to the Japanese who made the subgenre of arterial/splatter gore films into a blockbuster juggernaut.

All this is brought you by Yoshihiro Nishimura, the man who brought us Tokyo Gore Police which I gave a stellar 4 spinkicks too.

Thanks to Twitch for the heads up.

Check out the trailer below.








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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Cheerbleeders (Review)

Cheerbleeders

Cheerbleeders (2008)

Directed by Peter Podgursky

I'm a big proponent of up and coming directors to tackle horror as a stepping stone to get their career moving. All the greats have done it. Raimi, Jackson, Craven.

We've all seen their first films and raved about how Evil Dead and Braindead and Nightmare are classic iconic horror. So when Peter Podgursky sent me his 11 minute short entitled Cheerbleeders, I knew I'd find it interesting to see what this generation's filmmakers are inventing for their first endeavor.

Cheerbleeders is Podgursky's USC thesis film and it's quite solid from start to finish. It's like the Breakfast Club mixed in with evil Greek mythos that turn cheerleaders into crazed psycho vixens.

We've all seen jocks and cheerleaders get their comuppance or learn their lesson when they mess with of the goths, geeks and rejects of high school. Cheerbleeders is the penultimate big cheer for the Benders of the world who always wanted to take the heads off of those big, dumb jocks. And for once, they get to do it literally.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Penny and Devon, a pair of high school outcasts, are best friends in their isolation in the small town of Blackfoot, Idaho. However, things take a nasty turn for the worst when penny inadvertently turns Devon into an unspeakable evil, the most popular boy in school.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

Podgursky has to cram a lot of plot into his little short. I'm sure Raimi thought the same thing when he made Evil Dead. And yes, this little short has alot of Raimi-ish qualities to it. So the inevitable comparisons has to be said.

But it's all modern day suburbia, in Blackfoot Idaho where we meet Penny and Devon, the gothiest goth kids in this American Beauty-ish high school. Almost bordering on a parody of those trippy Bring It On movies, Penny brings her grandfather's urn with Greek mythos powers for show and tell. However, when Devon gets cursed by the ancient spirits of evil, he gets the power to control the minds of all the beautiful cheerleaders at Blackfoot high.

A nice, tightly 80s homagy montage is perfectly placed as Penny and Devon have a hoot at the now subservient cheerleaders expense. But soon Devon goes all Dirk Diggler and gets power hungry to be the awesomest guy at school.

It's every man's dream fantasy (and probably 70% of all porn movie plots) to do anything you want with a cheerleader. And yes, Devon goes all give me "S" and a"E" and a "X" with all the Hayden Panatierre lookalikes.

Soon his master plan changes from cheer cheer orgies to taking down the football team. In the short's climax, a football game is turned into a bloodbath when Devon orders the now turned cheerbleeders to go splatter the football team.
Nice gore and splatter is intertwined with some ha ha moments which make this horror comedy short work.

It's up to Penny to save the day which of course is leads to Devon's ultimate demise.

Her final words say it all: "I'm the least popular girl in school!"


It's a good start for Podgursky. He's taken a few techniques and style shots from all the iconic horror directors and added a few of his own. Hopefully, he can come up with something new that we can someday call Podgursky-ish.

Gore-ipedia

Head gets ripped apart
Axe to the chest

Nude-ipedia

Bra and panties

WTF moment

Cheerbleeders go savage

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Cheerbleeders takes place somewhere more horrifying than abandoned cabin or a last house on the left.... it's high school. Your trapped for 4 years and everybody is like mindless zombies.

Because when you think about it, what's the difference between psycho cheerleaders and real cheerleaders....not much.

In any case, kudos to Podgursky and his crew for making something inventive and LOL for the Gen Y crowd. The thing is even though you may think your work is original, somebody out there may have beaten you to it (check out Jack Brooks or Dance of the Dead).

I'll be looking forward to seeing what Podgursky comes up next. He could be the next Adam Green.

If this is what the American filmmakers of tomorrow are up to, we are going to be A ok.

Rating:

Check out the trailer below and also the official site.

The Trailer







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Monday, April 20, 2009

Butterfly Effect: Revelations (Review)

The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations

The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations (2009)

Directed by Seth Grossman

On my list of movies to see for the After Dark Horrorfest III: 2009, this movie ranked dead last on movies I wanted to see.

I never saw the original or its sequel and though I like time travel stories, I just couldn't see myself watching Ashton Kutcher in something he would ultimately fuck up.

But Revelations is Kutcher free so I figured its now safe to enter the water.

So seeing this 3rd installment is a complete shocker as its actually a tolerable, mediocre piece of filmmaking. It's isn't completely horrible and it's not critic proof brilliant. It's just average. And being average for an After Dark movie is like climbing Mount Everest.

You made it to the top!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Sam Reed can travel back in time, and makes his living helping to identify killers to the police. The problem is that if changes anything, deliberately or accidentally, the "butterfly effect" causes history to change. When he returns to the present, things are often completely different and he has no clear memory of what happened in his new history.


His troubles begin when he "breaks the rules" by trying to help the sister of his murdered girlfriend find out who the murderer was, and ends up changing his own history. Every attempt he makes to fix the problems that occur create even worse problems, and each trip scrambles his memory even further and puts him in an even worse situation than before.

Can he solve the mystery before he loses his mind?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I gotta admit, there's an actual ample amount of splatter and nudity in this flick which totally caught me off guard. So as the movie started off with some dude bashing a woman's head in, I was like WTF.

Sam (Chris Carmack) and Jenna (Rachel Miner, girl from Californication, Bully) are siblings and have a nice, cozy family dynamic. Seems Sam use his time travel skills to help the police solve cases so he can support his deadbeat sister. Oddly enough, the movie takes place in Detroit.

Really Detroit? White people live in Detroit? From the opening montages of some brothas playing basketball and some rundown houses, are we really suppose to believe this suburban white kid and his semi hot blonde sister live in the projects?

Who was the location producer on this? Kidding aside, there was even one scene where Sam is walking down the street and some brothas eyeing him like WTF you doing in this neighborhood?
I really think they had no idea they were filming a movie.

Anyway back to the flick, Sam loads up a bathtub full of ice and puts on some electrodes to go all Flux Capacitor.

However as his fat Doc Brown friend reminds him he has to abide by the BIG RULES which are:

1.) Never jump to into aspects of your life (personal and family) and try to change anything
2.) ONLY observe and report

But it wouldn't be much of a movie if good ole Sam abided by the rules right?

Seems Sam went back in time and saved his sister from a burning house but the laws of physics and shit say you can't do that unless you pay the reaper which of course happens as instead of his sister dying his parents die.

Later, a blast from his old cases comes in as a friend of Sam's old GF who was murdered tells Sam to investigate her case. Seems the guy who supposedly did it is on Death Row and possibly innocent.

I know what your thinking. Everytime I say Sam goes back in time your thinking Quantum Leap right? Shit people, I was thinking the same thing to. I was waiting for Sam to say: "Al, ask Ziggy what I'm here to change?" Boom! Blue light. And Sam's in a girl's body.

So the odd part of Sam's time travel is he goes back in time in his body. So when he jumps back to a point in time when he was a kid (say around the 1970s) he's in the body of of a 8 year old him.

Soon Sam is jumping in to try to save his ex. But that fucks up the timeline and creates a Pontiac serial killer. Sam leaps back and forward in time investigating whose doing the killing and each time changes the future.

So our killer is going all serial killing people with an arsenal of machinery. Chainsaws, dice and slice, etc. Seems like our time traveler just can't figure it out until it's explained to him.

Suffice it to say, you can figure out whose the Big Bad killer 30 minutes in. The ending is little bit cliched, though a nice evil touch is added at the end.

I don't want to ruin or add any spoilers so you know, I won't.

Even our killer has fun explaining the entire craziness of all the slayings by saying:

"This is so Scooby-Doo, isn't it? I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids."

Butterfly Effect: Revelation is not a perfect movie, but it's a competent one. It doesn't go too far off its own logic and it moves quicky for its 90 minutes. Each of the characters have their own little job to push Sammy along to find the truth. His fat physics professor friend, the inept detectives and the big breasted waitress who he boinks all contribute to his timeline life.

Seems people like the 1st one so maybe, just maybe I'll go see that one. But I mean it has the Kutcher. But it does have the hotness that is Amy Smart. Hmmmm. Do I risk watching Ashton the douche to see a hot blonde? Tough choice.

Maybe if future me went back in time to tell me what I should do, this wouldn't be a tough choice. You hear me future me? What do I do?

Gore-ipedia

Bashed head trauma
Sliced finger trauma
Foot trauma
Sliced torso trauma
Sliced neck trauma

Nude-ipedia

Hot blonde waitress boobies (in multiple positions!)

WTF moment

The killer explaining everything (motive, involvement, plot, etc) to our man Sam

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I gotta admit, this one surprised me. I didn't know I'd actually find this "EH" instead of "ARGH".
If you like time travel or the other Butterfly Effect movies I guess you can watch this one.

If you ever go back in time, tell the After Dark commitee to stop making movies. Please.

Rating:


Trailer:








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Friday, April 17, 2009

After Dark Horrorfest III: 2009 (DVD Reviews)

You know how much the After Dark Horrorfest III 2009 box set actually cost? $112!!!
Get the fuck outta here.

You might as well spend that dough on a hooker. At least you know you're getting ripped off.

In any case, as you know I've been reviewing all of these movies for your benefit so you can get an idea of what you may be getting into. It's just one man's jaded viewer opinion but honestly they all pretty much suck. What did you expect...a good film? Maye something awesome like Frontiere(s) or Mulberry Street?

Don't believe the hype. It's mediocre-ville bordering in suckyburg in this year's After Dark Horrorfest.

So UGO.com was happy to take my reviews plus add their own and make a nice PG-13 mini DVD review of the flicks.

You can check out all the reviews by going here.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Smash Cut (Trailer)

I'm joining the horror-sphere bandwagon and decided to post the trailer for Smash Cut. Why?
It looks spiffy funny. The flick stars David Hess, Michael Berryman, Herschell Gordon Lewis and the porn star turned indie mainstream princess, Sasha Grey.

If this were a porn movie, I wouldn't even put down the plot...but it's sorta not. So here it is.

After his latest film is met with horrible reviews, Able Whitman sets out to prove the critics wrong by finding inspiration in his cast and crew. Sometimes great art requires great sacrifice- and the director always gets final cut!

Let's talk about Sasha Grey for sec. Yes we know porn is becoming more mainstream. Jenna Jameson and others have pseudo crossed over to the mainstream. And yes I know porn stars have made horror movies (see Zombie Strippers). But Sasha Grey seemingly has burst (pun so intended) into mainstreaminess in such a short time, it's kinda an oddity.

She also starred in Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience which is the ultimate indie street cred.

It's definitely an homage to Herschell Gordon Lewis flicks of old and an appearance from a porn star fits perfectly in that mold.

Fake blood, fake boobies and over the top acting. Like porn!


She's pornstream!

Check out the trailer below.



Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Bad Biology (Review)

Bad Biology

Bad Biology (2008)

Directed by Frank Henenlotter

Tagline: A God Awful Love Story

When I first heard about this flick, I praised it as the return of Frank Henenlotter, the director of who gave such classics as Basket Case, Basket Case 2, Basket Case 3, Brain Damage and Frankenhooker.

Back after a 16 year hiatus, he returns with a blood pumping, pulsating, throbbing (pun so intended) and wacko of a movie called Bad Biology.

This twisted little fucked up film comes from the minds of Henenlotter and R.A. The Rugged Man a legendary rapper.

Bad Biology can be summed up as grindhouse 2.0. A surreal episode of Skinemax with the old Henenlotter jolt of craziness.

Some will claim this is utter garbage. Bad acting, rubber penises and porn stars playing porn stars.

But I really could care less what people say.

Because when you see a 15 inch johnson attack scantily clad women you have to grade this movie on a fucked up curve.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other's existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a truly god awful love story....

Awesome Review-O-Matic

There is nudity every 15 seconds in this flick. And it comes in the form of Charlie Danielson who plays Jennifer, an erotic photographer who is born with 8 clitorises. She narrates the film and tells of her mutant vagina and its affects on her very nympho lifestyle.

Like a meth addict, she constantly craves sex and picks up guys at bars. The dudes think they've scored but getting screwed and having your head bashed in at the same time are the consequences when you hook up with Jennifer.

Jennifer is hot, in that hip hop music video vixen sorta way (she's one in real life). We get plenty of simu-sex and it's Skinemax-ish to the extreme.

The problem with Jen's mutantism is her reproductive system is a Benjamin Button fast forward. She can get pregnant, go into labor and plop a baby in an hour. A mutant baby that is.

Henenlotter loves the mutant babies and they are fucked up as advertised. After every sexual encounter, she plops one out and leaves it screaming and crying.

BB has some qualities of Teeth in that the guys are macho fodder for our crazed Jennifer. She leaves bodies behind and she still can't get satisfied.

Let's go thru the list....

1.) Bad boy gets head bashed in
2.) White trash kid gets lucky
3.) Suave dude gets massacred by a lamp

But that all changes when she meets Batz. Batz is not a normal boy. When he tells a lie, his Pinnochio nose can't get off. So what's a dude to do?

Inject it with roids and HGH. That makes perfect sense.

So now he has a mutant, self aware cock thats craving some pussy all the time. Holy shit. He's got a super duper steampunk Swedish penis pump machine just to get off. After meeting his dealer to sedate this big ass snake monster, he volunteers his house for Jennifer's photo shoot.

Three nutty gonzo scenes are illustrated in total insanity.

1.) A hip hop photo shoot with naked models who have vagina masks
2.) We see Batz's wild mutant schlong going all wild
3.) Batz gives a hooker an eternal orgasm

Soon, these 2 lovebirds meet up not before we get the most fucked up scene in the entire film.

4.) Batz's mutant dick detaches, goes all claymation, starts breaking floorboards and starts to attacks 5 really hot chicks in an apartment complex.

It's the most bizarre, oddly arousing totally fucked up piece of cinema I've ever seen. I can honestly say I've never seen a rogue, mutant, 'roided up, veiny penis attack and pleasure hot, big breasted porn stars in awesome claymation and rubbery animatronics.

Now that's a first.

To say Bad Biology is bad is critically asinine. Henenlotter wants you to laugh and squirm and feel aroused all at the same time. It reminded me of Killer Condom in its squirty cheesiness and has a very Brain Damagy feel as well.

The one thing you come away (yeah the jokes just write themselves) with is that you didn't watch this for a well conceived plot or any gore or splatter kill scenes.

For once admit that you wanted to see hot naked women get boinked in every position plus see some mutant penises and babies.

What more do you want?

Gore-ipedia

Head bashing
Lamp bashing
Penis mouth to mouth

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous
Big boobies
Small boobies
Shower boobies
Asian boobies
Black boobies
Porn on TV boobies
Penthouse Pet boobies
Playboy boobies
Porn Star boobies
Gratuitous full frontal

WTF moment

The penis monster goes on the prowl

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well with this much nudity and sex you were bound to get some porn stars, Penthouse Pets and Playboy beauts in some cameos. Tina Krause, Krista Ayne, Rachel Robbins and hot porn star Jelena Jensen are all penis monster victims.

Don't kid yourself. You know exactly why you would Netflix, torrent or actually buy this film.

This is sleaze at its finest. No holds barred grindhouse erotica. So sexually charged amptitude, you want to visit this Henenlotter universe because its a throwback to all that is B movie glory cinema. The sleaze-meister is back. Can Brain Damage 2 be too far behind?

Rating:
1/2



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