Tuesday, March 31, 2009

After Dark Horrorfest III: 2009 (Reviews)

Today all the After Dark Horrorfest movies come out on DVD. It's a wide variety of horror subgenres ranging from cannibals, dopplegangers, witchcraft and time travel.

Honestly, most of these movies kinda suck.

So to spare you the "should I Netlfix or *gasp* even purchase" some of these movies, I will put all my reviews right in this post.

So this week is After Dark Horrorfest review week at the jaded viewer.

So far I've reviewed 3 of the 8 films to die for. I'll have the rest of them coming up this week as well.

Sometimes I question the After Dark's committee selection. Did they even watch these films? They are more like 8 films to stay away from.

Check out the reviews


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Dollhouse "Echoes" (TV Review)

Look at that picture of Eliza Dushku. Yowsers. I love this show.

In this week's episode of Dollhouse, we get some juicy info on Echo as her past self Caroline plus so many quotey quotable one liners, you wish you were playing scrabble. It's wacktastic!

Check out my review over at UGO.com.

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Autopsy (Review)

Autopsy

Autopsy (2008)

Directed by Adam Gierasch

[Think the Slap Chop infomercial]

Part of the mega awesome After Dark Horrorfest movies of 2009! we'd like to introduce you to Autopsy! Where we take every horror cliche and repackage it, put on the shelves and hope somebody buys it.

You want sterotypical, young looking hotties?

You got it!

You want fake looking latex mannequins that ooze out too much blood and have chicken parts as intenstines?

You betcha!

You want a creepy, abandoned hospital in Louisiana?

It's yours!

But that's not all. We'll even throw in a psycho, mad crazy doctor played by the one and only T-1000 Robert Patrick!

He slices and dices and so does the entire hospital staff!

How much would you pay for this? $9.99? $19.99? $49.99? Your first born? How about your soul?

But before you act to quickly, lets go over what you get.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young woman tries to find her injured boyfriend in a bizzare and dangerous hospital

Awesome Review-O-Matic

People have often thought our product was similar to say Insanitarium and many other cliched horror films.

But that's not true!

We got much more than that.

We've assembled super duper generic stereoptypical characters! We've got:

1.) Brunette, slutty final girl
2.) Generic boyfriend dude
3.) Druggie stoner
4.) Blonde bimbo bimbette
5.) Foreign guy

And trust me, they're all fuckin dumb as bricks!

But check this out! Our baddies are more of the same, because we think recycled horror indie veterans make this feel all snuggy!

1.) Robert fuckin Patrick!
2.) That Mexican gangsta looking guy thats in all those crime movies
3.) Some big white biker motherfucker
4.) Crazy fuckin meat cleaver wielding nurse

And a hundred walking mindless patients! With inept cops!

You're probably asking about plot. Why would a mad doc want to kill all these partying, Spring Break-ing kids?

Because he's trying to rehabilitate his semi dead wife back together! How about that!

If you watch this movie for the entire 90 minutes, we'll throw in the following absolutely free.
A ton of gratuitous quick scares, bad CGI explosions, thunder and lightning and running around.

And also these awesome medical puns like:

"It's not like this is brain surgery!"
"Bleed out bitch"
"I always wanted to be a doctor"

Still not sold? Did I tell you about the gore and nudity? And the WTF moment?

Gore-ipidia

Wrist slicing
Intenstine oozing
Head trauma
Wrist slicing
Stab to the neck
Body parts
Drill to the head
Canister to the face trauma
Organ and intestine works of art
Arm amputations
Hatchet to the fuckin face

Nude-ipidia

Cleavage

WTF moment

Orderly punches blonde bimbo in the face

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well that prognosis pun wasn't intentional. But let me tell you about the secrets of our product on DVD.
It's got an alternate ending! Whoa! And a 20 minute Behind the Scenes.

Our product is so cliched, so badly written, so "this has been done to death before" don't take our word for it, see what others have said.

It's out on DVD March 31st. Orders your today.

555-AUTOPSY-SUCKS


Rating:
1/2

The Trailer






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Friday, March 27, 2009

Ha Ha, You Died!


There are people with a sense of humor than there are people with a twisted, fucked up sense of humor.

My friend started up a little blog displaying the latter.

Their mission statement says it all:

While these are the darkest and most sorrowful of moments for most of us, there are those out there that almost seem to go out of their way to leave this world in a hilarious and entertaining manner. This site is here to bring those moments to light.

Bookmark it, make it your homepage or RSS it.

Everyday somebody dies and sometimes they poop a death we all can laugh about.

Check out the site by clicking here.

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Landlord (Trailer)

Indie horror is alive and kickin. And straight from the jaded viewer mailbox comes this little doozy of a horror comedy, The Landlord.

Here be the plot:

The Landlord is the story of Tyler, the unfortunate young owner of a demon-haunted apartment building. Finding tenants has never been a problem for Tyler, though he does have trouble keeping them alive to pay rent. No matter how nicely Tyler asks the demons not to eat the renters (or to at least wait a month or two), they never listen. And why should they? As far as the demons are concerned, humans are merely dumb, tasty animals - kinda like chickens - and Tyler is their pet monkey.

But all that might change when Tyler takes a liking to the newest tenant, a desperate young woman running from demons of her own…


Looks alot like the TV series Angel with the monster makeup palooza and Shaun of the Dead.

Check out the trailer below.



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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

From Within (Review)

From Within

From Within (2008)

Directed by Phedon Papamichael

From Within was my 3rd choice of excited movies I wanted to see out of the After Dark Horrorfest movies that came out last year.

Small American town, suicides, teen John Connor. Had to be at least decent right?

Wrong.

It's just a Ring knock off through and through.

This is basically what happens when America tries to make a basically Japanese shock horror film. The Japanese filmmakers will go all out to obliterate your senses with scary quick scares, nightmare visuals and hard R scenarios.

In a western reboot, it's just done too PG-13 to give a crap about.

The best thing From Within had going for it was the poster above and for me the panning credit sequence at the end of the movie.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The residents of a small American town begin to die one-by-one apparently by suicide..

Awesome Review-O-Matic

There is a movie called Suicide Circle that came out of Japan in 2002. The opening scene has 54 high schools jumping to their deaths in front of a subway train. That's how you start a movie about a plague of suicides. By just giving the audience a WTF moment straight out.

And don't give me any M. Knight shit. The Happening wasn't happening at all.

So when your rash of suicide movie starts out and you have two goth kids hanging out contemplating just aint gonna cut it.

Been there, done that.

So when the goth kid blows his brains out, we start on our journey of a mysterious evil force making people kill themselves.

It's a rash of sui-palooza. Next, the goth dude's girl stabs herself with scissors. Then an antiques dealer hangs himself followed by his niece slicing her wrists on broken glass. Later we meet our final girl, Lindsay and her boy friend Dylan. Dylan is the son of the local Jerry Falwell and they love the religion.

Later, Lindsay's BFF car explodes (Final Destination style) and her step mom gets the urge to drink some Drano.

All this happens because each of these victims sees their doppleganger chasing them with blue eyes, vein-y faces and eyes that cry blood.

This is as scary as sitting in a traffic jam.

We meet the other local townies, all Republican, God fearing, evangelist listening gun totin rednecks. As the suicides become rampant, they start to blame the crazy family that lives deep in the backwoods. Because every small American town has got that family.

This brings us to John Connor...ahem I mean Aidan (Thomas Dekker from Sarah Connor Chronicles). He's the goth kid's brother and his mom was mysteriously killed years ago by the townsfolk in a burning thingmajig.

Basically it's your mom got killed by townies so I have to evoke revenge movie by cursing the town. You'd think you could hire Freddy Kreuger for this gig. Alas, our final girl is next on the curse hit list and it's a race against time to stop the damn videotape...err I mean cursed spell book from killing her.

The thrilling conclusion is clunky and without any thrills. It was thrilless.

It ends with your now cliched mysterious evil gets the last laugh, which to me I usually like but when you don't really care about any of the characters, I was so indifferent.

And that's the thing. These genre of movies, "rash of suicide" movies have to result in a big payoff. If they don't, the build up just falls flat.

Each of the characters was so boring, it was impossible to pull for any of these people to survive.
Lindsay our final girl, was so goodie two shoes, innocent and tolerant you just wanted to throw up. Our resident warlock Aiden was Mr. Mysterious I thought stage smoke was going to accompany him everywhere. Our our main big angsty bad, Bible belt freak Dylan was so McCain-ish, I wanted to go all Obama on him (I have no idea what that means)

All in all, the movie is a straight to DVD PG-13 snooze. It begs the question how these movies even end up as part of the supposed elite 8 of the After Dark fest.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Gunshot to head
Scissors neck trauma
Hanging
Slicing wrists on broken glass
Drano drinking
4th degree burns


Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nada...does cleavage count?

WTF moment

The closing credit montage (probably the best scene in the movie)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a PG-13 rash of suicides movie. I didn't think that was even possible but From Within is it. Even The Happening got an R and that sucked. Nothing really special here. Go watch a remake or something.

The fact that I couldn't even get images of the suicides in the movie says it all.


Rating:

The Trailer






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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Dollhouse "Man on the Street" (TV Review)

Well this was the episode we've all been waiting for. When Dollhouse became the cult shows of cult shows.

Joss Whedon reminded us with this episode why he is THE MASTER.

So many juicy goodness came out this awesome episode I don't even know where to start.

Check out my review on UGO.com.

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Monday, March 23, 2009

Top 11 Underrated Horror Movies (Videotape Era)


[Remember the video tape era? Before DVDs and the Internet you had to actually go the video store and rent videos to watch obscure movies. Well Insano Steve remembers and he's got an awesome list to prove it. Check out his list of 11 underrated horror movies of the video tape era!]

As you know, recently, Hollywood's been re-making every horror movie that I grew up on. This is pretty annoying because on the one hand, they have almost no chance of being as good as the original, but on the other hand, I feel compelled to see them to confirm that they are as bastardized as I think they are.

The thing is, they remake all of the obvious popular ones. Friday the 13th? Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Who hasn't seen this? What was wrong with the original? Why remake them?

There were so many underrated horror flicks from my youth that not a lot of people saw, that might actually benefit from a remake. Here's a list of some of my favorites, though not really in any order.....

11 Underrated Horror Movies (Videotape Era)

Day Of The Animals

Day Of The Animals (1977)

Ozone depletion has caused all animals above 5000 feet altitude to go fucking nuts and start killing people. Oh yeah, totally possible! Sorry Denver, Colorado, you guys are fucked!

A bunch of hikers are trapped in a forest when the animals go crazy. Of course, the government quarantines the area, so they are left on their own.

This was one of the first movies I ever rented. I really had a thing for animal attacks on humans back then. The animal attacks are kinda silly, as you might expect from a 1977 horror movie. It's mostly just dogs and birds and squirrels and shit, and they're pretty fake looking.

Imagine the shit they could do these days with CGI animal attacks. Or just fuck it, just use real animals. Would PETA be upset about animals fucking up some actors? I figure they'd be all for it.




Slaughter High

Slaughter High (1986)

Back in the 80s, there were these vending machines that sold metallic glossy stickers that people would put on their school binders. I collected the 'Horror' series of stickers.

They featured all of the usual suspects, Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Mike. But then there was the 'Slaughter High' sticker. It just didn't seem to fit in with all those heavyweights, but as I'd like to tell all my other anti-social horror buddies back then, "Dude, Slaughter High kicks some ass".

The story involves Marty, a high school nerd, who kills a buncha 'cool kids' at a high school reunion, years after they accidentally disfigured him with acid.

The quality of these kills are pretty amazing for such a generic looking flick. Youtube this shit some time. Extra credit for the douchebag guy whose stomach explodes after drinking Drain-O





Pieces

Pieces (1982)

I would always watch these horror movies with my brother. Pieces was the first movie where my brother said "hey, I don't know if you should be watching this", which made some sense since I was only 9 years old at the time. Of course, the irony was, he was 13. But I convinced him that if the guy at the video store rented it to us, that must mean it's okay. Righteous logic.

Back in the 1980s, people didn't care that much about the welfare of kids watching fucked up shit. I'm not sure how we even got a video account in the first place.

Anyhow, Pieces is about some psycho who kills girls on a college campus so that he can make a big jigsaw puzzle from the girls' body parts. This is not really a Feminist movie. Lots of naked girls getting cut up here.

This movie has become a pretty big cult hit recently and does seems pretty tame now. But at the time, this was underground and a pretty big deal. If you had seen 'Pieces', then you were alright by me. I actually once rented a movie called ‘Parts’ because I thought it was a sequel. I was sadly mistaken.





The Stuff

The Stuff (1985)

Here’s a horror comedy, from the great Larry Cohen.

A buncha miners discover a white slimy ooze. Turns out that ooze actually tastes really good and they end up selling it in supermarkets as “The Stuff”.

Of course back in the 1980s, nobody gave a shit about health as long as the it tasted good. “The Stuff” is real addictive and becomes such a hit, that the ice cream conglomerate decides it has to find out what it is and stop it. Well, “The Stuff” ends up being an alien life form and when people eat it, they turn into wacked-out zombies.

The movie is one big commentary on the consumerism of those times. That all went over my head back in the day. I just thought it was an awesome movie about killer yogurt.

Lots of splatter, lots of laughs, the best of which is when the black dude’s face blows up and yogurt spews out. Or the huge tidal wave of Stuff at the end. I could actually see Hollywood trying to remake this one.





Sleepaway Camp

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

I remember picking up this box at the video store and thinking "This looks like shit, how comes there's 2 sequels?". But I was pretty jaded, and I could tell from the box for Part 2, that the killer was a hot looking girl, so I had to give it a chance.

So the movie is 88 minutes, and for 87 minutes it is just generic crap. But wow, that last minute! There are just some things that you see and you never forget.

A twist ending that comes so far out of left field, that it punches you in the face and kicks you in the nuts at the same time.

Speechless.

I remember rewinding the tape just to make sure that really just happened, and wondering how the hell does that make any sense at all? Somebody please remake this. I think the youth of America needs to feel what I felt on that uncomfortable day.

To this day, this remains the 2nd best ending in all horror history (behind the perfect ending to the legendary 'Nekromantik')





Link

Link (1986)

Yup, another animal movie. A scientist and his assistant (played by the lovely Elizabeth Shue) have taught his orangutan, Link, how to be helpful monkey butler like the ones you see on TV.

However, scientist gonna have the monkey put to sleep, as he no longer need his services. Somehow, Link finds out about it, and the ape shit hits the fan. Link fucks up some people stupid enough to visit the scientist’s house and chases Miss Shue around the house.

Best scene is when Link is checking out Shue while she’s in the shower. Not sure what they were going for there, but it sure as hell works! And Link is a real monkey, no fake shit. No dude in a suit.

Although that does make some of the kills kinda awkward. This movie was British, so you can’t really ever tell if we’re laughing at the movie, or with the movie. Those wacky Brits!

Anyhow, this is what ‘Monkey Shines’ should have been.





Patrick Still Lives

Patrick Still Lives (1980)

Now this was a great find in the tape trading market. This Italian movie is about Patrick who is in perpetual coma after getting hit in the head by a liquor bottle.

Anyhow, even though he’s technically a vegetable, Patrick has telekinetic power and he uses it to psychicly kill a buncha people at the health center he’s staying at. Why? I don’t fucking remember.

But I do remember there were 3 real hot girls in it. One gets naked and is then eaten alive by a pack of dogs summoned by Patrick. Patrick forces another girl to masturbate, which is just as awesome as it sounds! And the last girl, is severely impaled with a fireplace poker through her vagina, in what has become quite an infamous scenes amongst the gorehounds.

Yeah, this movie is some premium sleaze. The Italians really mastered that kinda shit. Besides all the sleaze, I liked the many extreme close-ups of Patrick’s unmoving eyes followed by super cheezy music (because cinematically, how else to show telekinesis from a paralyzed guy!?!).

Uh yeah, no way Hollywood gonna touch this shit.

Click here to see the trailer.


Lucker The Necrophagous

Lucker The Necrophagous (1986)

Sadly there are no online trailers for this classic. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Lucker breaks out from a mental institution in Belgium and starts his murder spree. But he takes his time.

This movie is 70 minutes long, but he spends 15 minutes just walking around. Literally, not stalking anybody, just mindlessly walking around, filling time.

Anyhow, Lucker like most psychos, prefers killing women. He kills a nurse at the institution and then proceeds to have sex on her (yup, he’s a necrophiliac).

Later, Lucker, who is mute, somehow, goes to a bar, orders a drink (w/o speaking), solicits a prostitute (w/o speaking), and negotiates a price (w/o speaking). He later kills the prostitute, and A WEEK LATER, overcome with his necrophilia, makes love to the slimy rotting corpse. And I mean that, Lucker really takes his time with that corpse (whose skin is pretty much decomposed off).

In Nekromantik, the necrophilia was pretty tastefully done. Uh, not here, this shit is really disturbing. Lucker got some real issues. The ending is abrupt and anti-climatic, but at the same time, kinda fits this movie.

What I like most about Lucker is, he’s not killing machine like other slashers. He’s some fat balding guy in his 50s. He wears a Member’s Only jacket!

In between kills, he tastes a break to rest or just loiter around town. It’s almost like slashing is just a hobby for him, and he wouldn’t even be doing it …. if y’know, he wasn’t a crazy necrophiliac.

Thank you Belgium, first Jean Claude Van Damme, now Lucker. America is in your debt.

Popcorn

Popcorn (1991)

Sigh, the early 90's were one of the worst periods for horror movies. Times were changing. Nirvana had made it cool for people to be depressed. Ethan Hawke was considered a good actor. NWA was no longer just an airline. A lot of people were down with OPP. Black people hated white people. White people hated themselves. America no longer had a place in it's heart, for horribly disfigured psychopaths killing teenagers.

My interest in horror pretty much went away too, cause nothing good was coming out. One of the rare exceptions was Popcorn. My expectations were so low for horror at the time, it might've skewed my opinion, but I liked this shit.

A buncha film students have a horror festival with gimmicky 3D and seat buzzers and shit. A maniac ends up killing the movie-goers who think it's all part of the show. Great idea, decent execution. A lot of the 1990s kinda sucked.

Excellent trailer shamelessly name-drops all the other horror icons it's supposedly better than. And, it has the wonderful tagline "Buy a box, go home in a bag!"






Street Trash

Street Trash (1987)

Oh, the wonderful Street Trash. 2 parts horror, 1 part comedy, totally awesome.

A liquor store owner finds a box of really fucked up shit liquor called Viper and sells it to hobos for next to nothing. Problem is, Viper is toxic and ends up melting the flesh of all the bums that drink it.

There's some tremendous dark comedy here that was groundbreaking at the time. The best scene is when the hobos are playing catch with a severed penis of one of their fellow bums. Another is when a bum's entire body literally melts down into a toilet. Also, a necrophilia scene, which was the first I had ever seen and really blew my mind.

This was pretty messed up. Just about every female character in this movie gets raped at some point. Totally fun, off the wall type shit.

I remember asking the video clerk 'hey you got anything else like Street Trash?' I've been looking ever since, and still haven't found anything quite like this.




Night Of The Demon

Night Of The Demon (1980)

This movie combines 2 of my great passions (horror and cryptozoology).

A college anthropology class goes into the woods to find the legendary Bigfoot. And surprisingly enough, it's pretty easy to find him .... just follow the trail of dead bodies.

This is not the shy recluse Bigfoot posing for blurry pictures. Fuck that, this Bigfoot don't like humans and if you come anywhere near his shit, he will fuck you up.

Bigfoot literally rips the dick off of some biker that he catches pissing on his land. He cuts up a couple of Girl Scouts. He rapes a local woman. He choke slams a couple of rednecks. Throws some poor bastard out a window. Eviscerates some dude and then plays with the intestines. All this with his bare hands.

Bigfoot don’t need no weapons!

Super low budget stuff. The Bigfoot suit looks like the rug in my bathroom. Oh, and you get treated to BFPOV (Big Foot Point Of View), which is just like human POV except it's red which is bad news for whatever Bigfoot's looking at.

And the very best part, in the end, everybody in the movie dies!

Zero chance this ever gets remade!





[Do you have any movies to add to the list? Agree with the picks or want to poop on the list? Leave a comment and let us know what you think.]



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Friday, March 20, 2009

Battlestar Galactica - The Last FRAKKIN episode

So today is the last episode of Battlestar Galactica. I actually didn't get into BSG until the 2nd season. A friend said I should start watching, said it reminded him of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (which I loved). So I torrented athe mini series and a lot of episodes and got caught up.

I'm glad I did.

The show has been a great ride, ups and downs, twists and turns and lots of WTF moments.
I've said the last few episodes have been blah, but the last episode was awesome.

This little article from UGO.com entitled "What we'll Miss About BSG" says it all.

I'll also miss watching the hotness of Grace "Boomer" Park and Tricia "Number Six" Helfer.

Well there goes another show off the TV rotation. Now I'm left with Sarah Connor, Dollhouse and Lost.

I've actually kicked Heroes out of the rotation. Stupid Heroes.

**THE FRAKIN UPDATE**

10 THOUGHTS ON THE LAST EPISODE OF BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

So I watched the last episode and am still totally fraked up by the ending.

Let's go through all the unanswered questions shall we?

1.) What the FRAK is Starbuck?? Is she dead? An angel? A ghost? A Cylon? An imaginary friend?

2.) So basically Ron Moore is saying the Japanese will create Cylons with their sexbots and barking dogs??

3.) Will Facebook and Twitter become self aware and become the next Skynet??

4.) HOLY FRAK! We're all part cylons! We're all part toasters!!!

5.) Are cylons even partly robotic? Or are they all fleshy and full of blood?

6.) So Baltar and Six are talking to "gods messengers"??? I thought they were just frakin crazy??

7.) What happened to the raptor Adama was piloting? Did they keep the parts? Why isn't their evidence of this from the fossil records?

8.) Did the Cylons really give up that easy? Dude, you were enslaved and you go ahead and call for a truce. FRAK that. Never let go of that grudge.

9.) So technically, one of the BSG members is my ancestor. I'm thinking I'm like Starbuck/Helo hybrid.

10.) Will the new show Caprica or the upcoming "The Plan" TV Movie explain frakin anything??

It's like the Sopranos ending because, after it ended, it kept ending and then ending again.

Wowsers.

I liked "Daybreak" Part 1 and 2 in some parts, in others not so much.

Well it still beats watching an hour of Heroes.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment and Mermaid in the Manhole (Reviews)

[We're going to the vault for some rewind reviews. I've got two short ones for you courtesy of Insano Steve's warped mind. The infamous Guinea Pig series. Nothing gloriously long or in depth. Just a tidbit of the grossness and utter disgusting of what appeared. Enjoy!]

Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment

Za ginipiggu: Akuma no jikken

Directed by ???

Pseudo-snuff film is missing any semblance of plot. The horror equivalent of a gonzo porno.

Woman endures torture from multiple assailants. Torture includes slapping, kicking, plier amputations, severe noise, chair spinning, Indian rope burns, hot oil burning, maggot eating, and the absolute ultimate in eye trauma.

Basically, this lady gets fucked up in much the way you'd expect in a snuff film, if such thing existed. There's a counter displaying the quantities and qualitites of her pain.

Has already inspired some psycho in Japan (of course) to emulate the film in his real life murders. Perhaps the sickest movie ever made though it's kind of a stretch to call this a movie.

So fucking depraved, you'd never forgive yourself if you miss this.

HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION.

Guinea Pig: Mermaid in the Manhole

Za ginipiggu 4: Manhoru no naka no ningyo

Directed by Hideshi Hino

Lonely artist gets inspiration for his latest work in a sewer where he finds a pus-spewing dying mermaid and takes her back to his bathtub.

Surprising enough, he doesn't rape her but instead draws her using her multicolored pus so ass tobest captures the theme of his painting. Luckily for him, mermaid girl is spewing pus from every orifice (this girl has a lot of pus!!!)

Twisted as fuck tale is something like a Twilight Zone Japanese style which is to say it's really wierd and extra extra fucked up.

Allegory to man's imbalance with nature but mostly the story of a girl and her pus. Artistic gore at it's finest.

What's a review without pictures!

-from Devil's Experiment-


-From Mermaid in the Manhole-



Check out the trailers here.

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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Thirst (Trailer)

I dare you. I double dare you. I dare you Hollywood to remake Chan Wook Park's latest movie.

I vampire priest sucking blood, boinking and killing. The Bible belt would go insane if this was remade.

Thank God its straight out of Korea.

If you haven't seen Oldboy or any of the flicks from Park's Vengeance trilogy, get caught up now.
Because Park is known for some hardcore craziness in his films (and he makes comedies too!)

Check out the trailer below. Thanks to Arrow in the Head for the trailer.



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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dollhouse "True Believer" (TV Review)

So I recently rewatched the 3rd season of Buffy. Oh how I miss Faith. Her feistyness, her five by five. Her grunting.

Last week's episode had some flashes of the old Faith we all love.

Oh well, we're too far gone from those days.

In this week's episode of Dollhouse, Echo has to infiltrate a cult, Topher and the doc talk about "man reactions" and Paul Ballard has a stalker.

Check out my full review at UGO.com.

**SIDE NOTE!!**

Do we have any Dollhouse fans out there? I know your there. Show yourself!

Let me know what you think of the shows, my reviews and such. Hopefully my reviews are converfunny and without the super duper deep thoughtiness from other official sites.

Drop a comment!

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Monday, March 16, 2009

Hard Revenge, Milly (Trailers)

We here at the jaded viewer love ultraviolent gorefests from Japan. So when I heard there was another crazy martial arts gore-a-thon coming soon, I was intrigued.

In the awesomeness of flicks like The Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police comes double trouble in the form of Hard Revenge, Milly. This flick and it's a sequel Hard Revenge, Milly: Blood Battle are the work of Takanori Tsujimoto.

From the trailers below, they are as bloody fuckin bloody as advertised.

Simply it's ULTRA VIOLENCE JAPANESE MOVIE

What more do you need?

Hard Revenge, Milly Trailer





Hard Revenge, Milly Trailer: Bloody Battle





Thanks to Twitch and Nippon Cinema. Go to those sites for more info.

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Friday, March 13, 2009

Top 5 Rape and Revenge Movies of All Time

With the remake of The Last House on the Left coming out today, I'd figure I'd get you noobs caught up on this subgenre of exploitation films. For you jaded viewers, move along, these aren't the droids your looking for.

There seems to be a reimagining boom for this genre. Run Bitch Run comes out this year, plenty more will probably come up if Last House grosses a jillion dollars.

There's a few on this list that I'm not covering from what you can read here. I love how Wikipedia summarizes rape and revenge movies in the same ole 3 act structure:

  • Act I: A woman is raped/gang raped, tortured, and left for dead.
  • Act II: The woman survives and rehabilitates herself.
  • Act III: The woman kills all of her rapists.
But check out the trailers below to see whats come before.

Honorable mentions: I Spit on Your Grave, Dogville, the Virgin Springs

Also, House on the Edge of the Park should be on this list as well as it was #2 on my Top 10 Ruggero Deodato Movies of All Time. I've placed that as a bonus trailer at the bottom.

On to the list!

5.) Freeze Me (2000)

Why it kicks ass: Haven't seen it. But its directed by Takashi Ishi so its gonna be crazy right?





4.) Irreversible (2002)

Why it kicks ass: Gasper Noe's reverse chrono flick features Monica Belluci in a sick 20 minute plus rape scene and the most fraked up use of a fire extinguisher as a deadly weapon.





3.) They Call Her One Eye (aka Thriller a Cruel Picture) (1974)

Why it kicks ass: Starring the beautiful Christina Lindberg, this movie has everything you need in your revenge bent vixen: an eyepatch, a shotgun and she's frakin mute. What more needs to be said?





2.) The Last House on the Left (1972)

Why it kicks ass: Wes Craven's first movie delivers the exploitation goods. It should be watched in all its grindhouse glory and not in a shitty remake.






1.) Ms. 45 (1981)

Why it kicks ass: Abel Ferrara's masterpiece of NYC slime and crime. Zoe Lund plays Thana who gets raped twice and then goes all revengy armed in a nun's outfit and a .45. The ending is like an LSD trip of awesomeness.





IT'S A BONUS TRAILER!!!

House on the Edge of the Park which is a glorious #6.





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Thursday, March 12, 2009

Top 5 Sketches in Kentucky Fried Movie

I recently bought Kentucky Fried Movie for $5. Yup, five measly dollars. John Landis's kooky, spoofy, sketch o rama is still funny today. I just couldn't stop laughing at how good the sketches still are.

If you find this at Walmart, pick it up. It's worth it.

So, with me being bored and not reviewing any movies, I figured we'd pick the top 5 sketches in KFM.

Actually, I couldn't find some of my favorite sketches anywhere on the net. Fistful of Yen and A.M. Today are nowhere online.

Well here's the best of what I could find. On to the list!


5.) Scot Free





4.) The Wonderful World of Sex





3.) Feel A Round






2.) Catholic High School Girls In Trouble



Lfmao - video powered by Metacafe



1.) "Danger Seekers
"





If you can find any of the others on line, let me know. Enjoy!

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Girls Gone Gangsta (Trailer)

Thanks to a fellow jaded viewer Richard who gave me a heads up on this little exploited beaut of a flick. Guns, blood and girls. I mean that's gotta equal yummy goodness right?

And it has John Goodman!

Check out the plot

It's a cruel world. So it is in Neon City, where 3 young women (Scorpio's Girls) must fight for the only thing their murdered father Scorpio left them, their body shop.

Von Drago, the evil mastermind of Neon City, and leader of the H.O.E.s (Heads of Evil) has a grand plan for one stop criminal shopping, the Von Drago casino!
There's only one problem. He must first get the body shop from the girls, and they're not selling!

Watch as Scorpios Girls battle a motley collection of Clones, witches,Gang Bangers, and canibalistic clowns in this tale of revenge and redemption.The girls hapless metromosexual boyfriends only make matters hillariously worse!

Check out the trailer or view the extended trailer here.





Here also be the official site.

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dollhouse "Gray Hour" (TV Review)

Well it took until the 4th episode to actually get good too shoes, but finally Dollhouse seems to be getting good.

As I've been doing all season long, I've been reviewing the show for UGO.com.

Check out my latest review here or clicking on the picture of Eliza in tight leather.

Also, all episode reviews I've done can be found here.

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Monday, March 09, 2009

Watchmen (Review)

Watchmen

Watchmen (2009)

Directed by Zach Snyder

I've been MIA for a while. My internet has been buggy hence the no posts.

But I did get to watch the Watchmen.

This is going be your a very un-jaded viewer-ish review as I don't really review the big blockbusters but I figure I'd add my 2 cents.

I told people to read the graphic novel since the summer. I've told users to do the same. If you can't find it online for free, buy it.

This is the best graphic novel of all time.

Don't judge the comic by the movie. As a comic book, it loves up to the hype of being the best of the bestest.

It's pure, it's groundbreaking and it's awesome.

The movie is a great adaptation of the graphic novel. The comic is a million times better. So get a copy will ya?

Many people will watch and not understand why the Watchmen is considered the greatest. The tweens and millenials expecting a nocturnal Bat related detective or an indestructable super man, these aren't the droids your looking for.

I actually saw 13 yr old tweens watching this movie!!!!

FUCKIN TWEENS AND MILLENIALS!!!

I hope you got traumatized by the gratuitous gore and the murder of a pregnant Vietnamese girl. I hope that almost rape of Silk Spectre I and Dr. Manhattan's schlong have you scratching out your eyeballs.

This movie, this comic book is NOT FOR YOU!!!

Grow up first and read some Clowes, some Morrison and some Ennis and then watch this. This is for the purists, the comic book geeks, the men and women who appreciate the art.

FUCK YOU G4 and MTV!!

You bastardize the shit out of this like it a pop culture history lesson.

In any case, the tweens and Gen Y-ers won't "get it". You probably hated this movie, got confused or didn't understand what was going on.

You probably said: "Hey they stole that plot from Heroes!" or retorted: "This sucked, Dark Knight was way cooler".

Fuck you.

You didn't read the graphic novel. And that's why it won't make sense.

The Watchmen, to me is the first. It spawned the progeny we see today. It's the beginning of the everything that has come after it.

Here is why. And I won't even explain any of these. You'll get em or you won't.

1.) Watchmen is supposedly the first to take costumed superheroes into an adult, gritty world of realism

2.) Alan Moore is a god in the world of comics

3.) Rorschach is fuckin awesome

4.) The year is 1985. The US and Russia are superpower enemies. Wikipedia it and you'll understand why it's a big fuckin deal.

5.) Courtesy of IMDB, read this:

Watchmen is based on a graphic novel which emulates and satires the history of characters from Charlton Comics company which had been acquired by DC Comics. Many of the modern superheroes people know today, like The Flash or Green Lantern, are actually the second bearers of those names and in the Charlton Comics world there were two Blue Beetles. The first were characters from the "Golden Age of comic books" of the 1930s and 40s, when superheroes first became a growing fad. The trend eventually died away, but was revived in the late 1950s by the introduction of new characters with new costumes and altered powers, bearing the names of their wartime counterparts, thus beginning the "Silver Age," which led to superheroes becoming a permanent part of Americana.

Moore is making a statement about the history of comics in Watchmen. Show some fuckin respect

6.) The tale of the Black Freighter is essential when reading the story of Watchmen as it portrays a metaphoric parallel to the main story

7.) The Ozymandias plan was the first of its kind and has thus been ripped off by other comics, films, TV shows (ahem Heroes) and books

8.) The Comedian is a bad ass mofo

9.) It won a fuckin Hugo award

10.) It's the greatest graphic novel of all time

I should talk about the movie right? I liked it. I think it did the graphic novel justice. I didn't notice what was changed at first, but having slightly reread the comic, I can now see what was changed.

Some shots of the film are out right sick. Panel by panel remake shots are awesome. All the performances were top notch (except Silk Spectre II).

It was bloody, violent, gritty, dirty and fucked up.

Yay.

On in all, I was very satisfied.

The die hards will super duper love it, the tweens will be all confused and the mass public will avoid it.

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!' And I'll look down, and whisper "No"

-Rorscach

Rating:


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